Day 196: The Descent

The Descent

Brought to you by Sepia Tone

I'll never understand thrill seekers that go jumping off mountains or diving out of planes chasing after their parachute. The real world is scary enough. If you don't believe me, just read the ingredients used in a Boston Cream donut. You'll never look at a Dunkin Donuts the same way again. I don't need to go spelunking to have a good time. I understand enjoying the great outdoors, but you won't crash into the ground at 300 miles per hour watching a movie on your couch. Of course, that doesn't make for an entertaining horror movie.

The Descent is a 2005 horror movie starring Shauna Macdonald (The Mutant Chronicles, Silent Night, Deadly Night) as Sarah. After a trip whitewater rafting with her friends in Scotland, Sarah's family gets in to a car accident, killing her husband and daughter. One year later, Sarah is reunited with her friends Juno (Natalie Mendoza, Moulin Rouge, Surviving Evil), Beth, Sam, and Rebecca at a cabin in the Appalachian Mountains. They are joined by Juno's new friend and “protege” Holly. The next morning, the group goes caving and Juno apologizes to Sarah for not being there for her after the accident. Sarah is distant and aloof, often thinking about her daughter celebrating her birthday. The group descends down into the cave and through a tight passageway. It collapses, trapping the group. They try to get their bearings when Juno reveals that they are in a different, unchartered cave than the one they expected to explore. She believed it would be a bonding experience for the group to discover a new cave and even suggested naming it after Sarah. The group discovers cave paintings suggesting there is a way out and descend deeper into the darkness. Holly believes she sees daylight and falls down a hole, fracturing her leg. As they help her, Sarah spots a humanoid creature in the darkness. The group is attacked by these creatures and Holly is killed. Juno fights them off and accidentally stabs Beth. Sarah is separated from the group and watches the creatures feed on Holly. She escapes the feeding pit with a pickaxe and comes across a mortally wounded Beth who asks Sarah to kill her. The group is slowly picked off by the monsters, leaving only Sarah and Juno. Will they be able to survive and what else has Juno been keeping from Sarah?

Red is totally your color

The first half of the movie focuses mostly on the group's relationship as the deal with being stuck in the cave. While it is slow at times, the first half does have some thrills and a good amount of tension. In all honesty, the movie could have just been about being stuck in a cave. It wouldn't have been a horror movie in the traditional sense, but I think it still would have been scary. If James Franco can make a movie about having his arm pinned against a rock, they could have done it first. It's the second half where the action picks up and becomes a more traditional monster movie. The creatures look good as they still look vaguely human, but monstrous enough to be unsettling. The movie has a good amount of blood and gore, but doesn't rely on it to tell the story.

I am not afraid of small spaces, but The Descent made me feel completely claustrophobic. The movie is very dark, which serves to create a greater sense of fear and atmosphere, but also made it difficult to tell just who was who in the group. I couldn't really keep track of which character was being killed and it led to some confusion. The movie has many great clean shots, like Sarah running up a hill of bones or ascending from a pool of blood. I particularly liked that scene as it is a metaphor for her spiritual rebirth. When she rises from the pool of blood, she is no longer the shell of a person she had been after her daughter's death and goes on a monster killing spree. Shauna Macdonald is very good in both her roles and is a very convincing action hero. Natalie Mendoza also does well in her action sequences.

For the last time, I wasn't The Master from Buffy!

There were two things in the movie that really bothered me. First, I was disappointed that a movie with an all-female cast came down to a fight over a man. There was no need for it and it cheapened the entire experience. Why thrown in a story of adultery when it really adds nothing to the movie? It also forces the hero of the movie to do something very unheroic, which didn't sit well with me. The second was the ending. Apparently, I watched the U.S. version of The Descent which had a different ending from the UK version. The U.S. Version ended so abruptly that I legitimately thought there was something wrong with my version. This version also makes all the scenes involving Sarah's daughter completely moot. You can actually view the UK ending on Youtube which is far better and makes much more sense. There is supposed to be a sequel to The Descent and that is my only guess as to why the altered the ending.

The Descent is a good monster movie with a few fatal flaws. The monsters look good and the action is fast-paced and really entertaining. It takes some patience to get there, but it's worth the wait. There is a good amount of blood and gore, but nothing too over-the-top. The acting is good and the direction is particularly great with some really cool shots and scenes. It was really good to see an all-female cast involved in a horror movie, but disappointing that they had to reduce the story to a fight over a man. The altered ending is abrupt and confusing made all the worse because it makes previous scenes in the movie pointless. If you want to see The Descent, do yourself a favor and find the UK version. It really makes a big difference because the ending in the US version brings down the entire movie.

7/10

Special thanks to reader Camie (@silvershamrockd) for helping me figure out the differences in the UK and U.S. Version.

Day 184: Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark

Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark

Just turn on a night light and you'll be fine

The entire world is devastated by the news of the breakup between Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. I thought those kids would make it last forever. If they can't make it work, can any of us find true happiness that involves jumping on a couch on national television? It's tough, but we'll have to persevere. May Lord Xemu grant us the strength and may out thetan levels reach maximum Hubbardedness. In honor of their magical time together, I thought it was only right to review a movie involving Katie Holmes being attacked by mythical creatures. Grab on to your e-meters and let's go!

Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark is a 2011 horror remake of a 1973 film of the same name. Co-written by Guillermo Del Toro (Hellboy, Pan's Labyrinth), the movie stars Katie Holmes (Batman Begins, Dawson's Creek) as Kim and Guy Pearce (The King's Speech, Memento) as Alex Hurst. Alex has purchased and is restoring Blackwood Manor, an old mansion in Rhode Island. His 8 year-old daughter Sally (Bailee Madison, The Haunting Hour, Just Go With It) arrives to live at the house and immediately hates it. Kim, who is dating Alex, tries to connect with Sally, but is unsuccessful. Sally is depressed and on Adderall, thanks to her mother. She wanders the grounds of the mansion and comes across a basement hidden by trees. Mr. Harris, the groundskeeper, warns her not to go in the basement, but she ignores his warning and explores the room. She is drawn to a fireplace and begins to hear voices coming from deep inside, beckoning her to let them out so they can play. The creatures soon reek havoc throughout the house, with the blame going to Sally. They soon begin to attack her and even put Mr. Harris in the hospital. Her increased fear and anxiety prompts Alex to call a psychiatrist. Meanwhile, Kim visits Mr. Harris in the hospital who tells her to go to the library and research Lord Blackwood. She discovers artwork by Blackwood that depicts dark, evil creatures, strikingly similar to pictures that Sally draws. These creatures feast on the teeth of children and occasionally turn a human into one of them to replenish their ranks. Will Kim be able to save Sally before it is too late?

I miss Dawson and Pacey so much right now

Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark is different from a lot of R-rated horror movies in that the main character is a child. It's kind of odd considering the original didn't do this and you have two relatively big stars in more supporting than starring roles. While this adds a different level of fear and suspense, it also adds a new level of annoyance. I don't know what it is, but it feels like every child in a horror movie is either extremely annoying or extremely stupid. The Sally character is more the former than the latter. She is far too moody and made me cheer for the creatures to get her. By having the main character be a child under duress, the movie felt like it was geared more towards pre-teens than adults. This movie would be better suited for a sleepover party than a midnight movie. The movie tends to drag between action scenes

That doesn't mean it isn't scary. The movie focuses on good old-fashioned atmospheric horror than outright startling moments. If you like Vincent Price-style haunted house movies, you'll probably get a kick out of certain scenes. There is good usage of shadows and sound as the whispering creatures are creepy to listen to and leave the audience with an uneasy and unshakable feeling. The creatures themselves look decent for CGI special effects, but I couldn't help but feel that a swift kick to a few of them would have solved a lot of problems. There is some violence, but not as much as you would expect. Katie Holmes' and Guy Pearce's performances are both fine, but nothing special.

Looks like a Chupacabra mated with an alien

Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark had a lot of potential, but just didn't fully succeed in execution. While it was nice to remake a movie that a good amount of people have not seen, the new version didn't improve upon the original. There are some good atmospheric scares and a general creepiness, but nothing shocking and truly haunting. Focusing too much on the little girl took away from the story and made me look at a character I found very annoying. The performances are all passable, but there wasn't much in the way of character development. The movie lacked an appropriate amount of blood and violence, which would have made everything far more enjoyable. Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark is watchable, but it's not very enjoyable. We'll miss you, TomKat.

5.5/10

Day 126: Vampire Bats

Vampire Bats

Bats all, folks!

It's Creature Feature Saturday once again. I was debating whether or not to watch George Romero's “Monkey Shines” for today, but I just couldn't commit to it's long running time (around 113 minutes), especially when the New York Rangers are playing right now. If I accidentally type “Shoot the damn puck!” that's why. Maybe I'll try it next week. It's not like I'm rushing to watch the latest CGI SyFy Channel animalfest. I wasn't sure what else to watch, but I saw that Xena, Warrior Princess herself, Lucy Lawless, starred in an animal horror movie. She's always enjoyable, so I figured I'd give it a shot.

Vampire Bats is a 2005 horror/animal attack movie starring Lucy Lawless (Xena, Warrior Princess, Eurotrip) as college professor/scientist Maddy Rierdon. Maddy and her husband Dan are both professors at Tate University in Louisiana. Her students Jason, Eden, and Aaron go to an underground rave out in the bayou. They drink punch that is spiked with Ecstasy and Jason wanders off. Lost in the woods, he is attacked and killed by vampire bats. Sherriff Herbst questions Eden and Aaron in Jason's death, but Maddy is able to prove their innocence. She inspects Jason's body and points out vampire bat bite marks. The bites are strange and don't exactly match up to those of a typical vampire bat. More bat attacks occur, including at another rave and at a fancy yacht party attended by Maddy. After some investigation, it is revealed that a local chemical company called Carbide Waste Resources has been dumping chemicals in the local water, mutating the vampire bats. Mayor Poelker (Timothy Bottoms, The Paper Chase, The Girl Next Door) is working with Carbide and is trying to keep Maddy and her students from exposing them. Will Maddy be able to stop the bats and save the town?

Xena is deadly with a broom

This movie is better than your average animal-based horror movie, but not by much. The bats are thankfully not over-CGI'd or look like cheap Halloween decorations on strings. It's somewhere in the middle, but believable enough to not hinder the movie. The plot is pretty standard with an evil corporation poisoning the environment, mutating animals and turning them into murder machines. Unfortunately, not a lot of time or effort is given to said evil corporation. That aspect of the story only comes within the last 30 minutes or so. Most of the time is spent with a slow build for a movie that doesn't need one. It's just mutant bats, let them go nuts and eat some flesh. There's too much “in-between” time in the movie. That's not to say there's no action or blood, just not enough for my taste, and when they have close-up shots of the bats attacking, it looks incredibly fake.

Lucy Lawless is very good in her role and pretty to boot. Timothy Bottoms is a nice mixture of George W. Bush and Rick Santorum, so I feel OK when I want to smash his face in. The various college kids are fine and I never felt like they didn't belong in college, which is a problem for some horror movies. There are some plot holes in Vampire Bats that stuck out to me, particularly the local police department so easily giving information to Maddy after Jason's death. Jeez, has this place ever heard of protocol or standard procedures? They even let her inspect his body. A lawyer would have an aneurism over this type of negligence.

"This isn't an old bat...it's a new one! RUN!!!!"

Vampire Bats has it's moments, but overall, it's nothing special. Lucy Lawless puts in a good performance along with the rest of the cast, but it's not enough to overcome a plain story. The action is passable, but I would have preferred more. For creature features, you could do plenty worse than this movie, but you could also do better.

4/10

Day 91: Humanoids From The Deep

Humanoids From The Deep

Fishing for love in all the wrong places

Time for Creature Feature Saturday. I wasn't in the mood to watch a mind-numbing SyFy channel Megasharkasauruspodalypse whatever movie with bad acting and even worse special effects. I decided to go back to the 80's for a terrible animal horror movie. What better way to do that than with a movie produced by Roger Corman (Deathrace 2000, The Terror)?

Humanoids From The Deep (also known as “Monsters” in some parts of the world) tells the story of a small fishing village called Noyo. A large corporation called Canco is planning to open a cannery in the town which would create lots of jobs, but local Native American Johnny Eagle is challenging the legitimacy of claims to the land. Local townspeople don't take too kindly to Johnny protesting the cannery. At the same time, a fishing boat catches something big in it's nets, too big to be pulled up and through a series of unfortunate events, the boat explodes. That same night, an unseen creature goes around town killing all of the dogs except Johnny's. Jim Hill and his wife Carol begin to suspect that something strange is going on when they find their dog horribly mutilated. Local teens Jerry and Peggy sneak off to the beach for some alone time. Unfortunately for them, the humanoid is on the beach, kills Jerry and rapes Peggy. More mutilations and disappearances occur. Dr. Susan Drake goes in search of the humanoids with Jim and Johnny where they discover and kill one of the creatures. Dr. Drake reveals that Canco had been experimenting with a growth hormone on salmon to make they mature at an accelerated rate. The salmon got out into the ocean and were presumably by larger fish which in turn mutated them into the humanoids. It's the night of the big Salmon Festival in Noyo and the whole town is invited. Will they be able to stop the humanoids before they destroy the town?

My heart will gone ooooooonnnnnn

Clearly inspired by the Creature from the Black Lagoon and other 50's horror movies, Humanoids From The Deep has a very basic creature feature story. Man messed with nature, so nature is messing with man. What sets this movie apart from the others is that there is lots of gore and nudity, Corman staples. The movie was directed by Barbara Peeters, but apparently her version lacked the “required” exploitation level that would bring people into theaters. Another director was brought in to increase the gore, sex, and nudity and believe me, there's plenty of that. The blood flows freely and the makeup on the victims looks pretty good. The humanoids are unintentionally funny looking. The heads have a lot of detail, but I'm thrown off by their gigantically long arms. It's like someone took Dikembe Mutumbo's arms and shoved them onto a 5'8 body. The rape aspect of the story makes me very uncomfortable and is just not entertaining. They could have easily just said the humanoids are planning to mate rather than having a guy in a rubber suit dry humping a naked woman.

The music in the movie is actually pretty good. The score was composed by Oscare and Golden Globe winner, James Horner (Aliens, Titanic) . That's right, I said composed. Clearly, he was too good for this movie. The acting is fine, nothing particularly good or bad, so I guess that's a win. There is plenty of action, violence, and nudity to keep you interested and distracted from the mediocre story. 

Michael Bay's version of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Humanoids From The Deep would have been a perfect candidate for Mystery Science Theater 3000 if it wasn't for all the cursing, gore, and nudity. The story is weak and the monsters look silly. The violence and gore are pretty good and the music is just great. If you're curious, this movie is worth checking out just for the exploitation factor, but beyond that, there's no need to rush to see it.

4/10

Day 84: Vipers

Vipers

SSSStop me if you've sssseen this before

It's another Creature Feature Saturday. I've been putting off seeing Vipers for a few weeks now, mostly because Tara Reid is starring in it. It's nothing really against her, she just hasn't had a stellar few years. Throw in a ridiculous SyFy channel movie about killer snakes and the heart doesn't exactly leap for joy at the thought of watching. That being said, I figured it had to be better than The Beast of Bray Road. Lucky for me, I was right.

Vipers takes place in a small isolated town somewhere in the Northwest (I think it's the Northwest). A group of genetically modified super snakes have been released from their medical research facility by John Staffen (Michael Kopsa, Apollo 18, Watchmen), an employee of the Bio Tech which is run by Mr. Burton (Corbin Bernsen, Psych, Major League). Cal Taylor (Jonathan Scarfe, ER, Grey's Anatomy) has just arrived to become the town's new doctor and meets Nicky Swift (Tara Reid, American Pie, Alone In The Dark). We're also treated to the ongoing troubles of separated parents Jack, Ellie (who, according to imdb, was in The Beast of Bray Road), and their incredibly annoying daughter, Maggie. The vipers are stronger and faster than a normal snake, with deadly venom and an insatiable appetite. They quickly overrun the town, biting and eating through the population. Cal, Nicky and the Martins band together and try to fight off the vipers and find a way off the island. Staffen arrives with a few security personnel and expert, Dr. Collins (Jessica Steen, Armageddon, Slapshot 2). Why are they there, why did Staffen release the snakes and will Cal and Nicky be able to survive?

No hickeys

Vipers is pretty much your typical low-budget creature feature you can see on the SyFy channel on any given day. The story is pretty basic; animals invade town, people die, people fight back, people escape. That's perfectly fine because I wasn't expecting this to be the next Godfather. The vipers themselves are poorly constructed CGI. I'm sure it was cheaper and safer to use the computerized snakes, but it would have been nice for some shots to use actual snakes. I think the movie would have been a bit more exciting if they kept the snakes hidden in the shadows, silently stalking their pray. At least there are some good kills throughout with a decent amount of blood.

The thought crossed my mind many times during the movie that the actors are writhing in pain from being attacked by snakes are just rolling around on the floor. It's silly to see and even sillier to think that nothing is really there. I guess that's why it's called acting. Maybe everyone in this movie should get an Oscar. Nah, never mind. The acting is pretty bad, though Corbin Bernsen does his best with what he's got. Tara Reid does fine, though she is given some stupid lines throughout the movie, but that's not her fault. You could say that she gives the “realest” performance which is a nice touch for a movie with cartoon snakes eating people like piranhas.

Ok, let's not get carried away

Vipers is better than your typical SyFy animal movie and miles better than The Beast of Bray Road. That being said, it's still not a very good movie. The vipers look very computerized and are used far too often. There are some fun kills and some blood and guts, but not enough to keep it off TV. The story is very basic and the small budget hinders the rest of the movie. The acting isn't the best, but it's passable. If you're afraid of snakes, Vipers shouldn't bother you. If you have a fear of bad CGI, then you might be terrified.

4/10

Day 7: The Burrowers

The Burrowers

Not a re-imagining of The Borrowers

Horror and Westerns rarely team up, and when they do the results are usually painful to watch. The Burrowers break the trend with a movie that is both visually striking and mentally stimulating. The movie picks up right away when a family is assaulted and kidnapped by unseen attackers that they believe are Indians. Irish immigrant Coffey, who was in love with one of the kidnapped joins a posse with old-timer Clay, Parcher, and Dobie who is the teenage son of the woman Parcher is trying to court. The posse teams up with the cavalry, including their black cook Walnut to trail the Indians, but it becomes apparent that Indians are not the culprits. Mysterious holes, freakish chittering, and a girl buried alive all point to something far more sinister; The Burrowers. The posse must not only stop The Burrowers, but survive.

You're right. I don't know my ass from this.

The Burrowers start off with action right away before getting into the story, which I am always thankful for. Too often, horror movies plod along and struggle to tell a story before realizing that the movie is almost over and we need to get to the action quickly. Every actor does a very good job with their role, aided by a good story and a smart script. Whoever did the location scouting and cinematography for this movie deserve awards because the scenery is absolutely beautiful and the each shot feels like you are transported back to the 1800s.

The movie uses its surrounding well to hide the monsters. Rustling grass in the darkness creates fear without giving away what exactly is terrorizing the characters. There are plenty of “jump out and startle you” moments, but they work because the movie does such a good job of building suspense and atmosphere. The Burrowers themselves are CGI, but don't look too fake or cartoony. However there are a few scenes though that involve digital blood that look a bit too computerized for my taste. 

 Avon calling

The movie does a good job of social commentary in regards to over-hunting, the treatment of Indians and Blacks at the time and the brutality of the cavalry without being too preachy. There are good action scenes that keep the story moving along without getting bogged down in violence and the story moves fluidly with acting that keeps you invested in the characters. The Burrowers is a good movie for fans of Westerns and Horror, something that not many movies can accomplish, I highly recommend it. Yeehaw!

9/10