Day 248: Tales From The Crypt: Bordello Of Blood

Tales From The Crypt: Bordello Of Blood

Oh, 1996

The 1990's were a simpler time. The economy was going strong, Bill Clinton was president, people still used America Online, and people were generally happier. It was also the prime time for the Tales From The Crypt television series on HBO. Based on the 1950's EC Comics horror series, Tales From The Crypt used a mixture of horror and humor to create an entertaining horror anthology. By being on HBO, TFTC had the freedom from basic television censorship. This allowed the series to have more adult content, more violence, and more nudity. Thanks to the success of the show, Tales From The Crypt came out with a trilogy of movies. I've already reviewed Demon Knight and Ritual, so it's time to complete the trilogy with a horror movie starring...Dennis Miller. Damn you, 90's!

Tales From The Crypt: Bordello Of Blood is a 1996 horror comedy movie starring Dennis Miller (Joe Dirt, The Dennis Miller Show) as Rafe Guttman. The movie begins with a man named Vincent (Phil Fondacaro, Evil Bong, Sabrina, The Teenage Witch) exploring a forest in South America. Joined by a few locals, Vincent enters a cave, believing the treasure he seeks is inside. The group discovers a coffin containing the skeleton of Lilith (Angie Everhart, Last Action Hero, Denial). Vincent places her still-beating heart back inside the skeleton, bringing Lilith back to life. The revived Lilith kills the locals, but Vincent reveals he is carrying the Key from Demon Knight, which contains the blood of Jesus inside. The key causes prevents Lilith from hurting Vincent and the two team up and make their way to the United States. We are then introduced to church worker Katherine (Erika Eleniak, Under Siege, The Beverly Hillbillies) who tries to prevent her delinquent brother Caleb (Corey Feldman, The Lost Boys, Stand By Me) from going out and getting into trouble. He ignores her and goes to a bar with his friends, meeting a strange biker who tells them of a brothel in town. Caleb and one of his friends travel to the address, which turns out to be a funeral home. They are placed in a coffin which goes down into the secret brothel. To their horror, the prostitutes are vampires being led by Lilith. When Caleb disappears, Katherine tries to get the police to search for him, but they are no help. Private detective Rafe Guttman overhears Katherine and offers his services to help her. After picking up some leads, Rafe sneaks into the bordello and discovers that the money raised there is given to the church where Katherine works. He returns the next night and meets with one of the prostitutes who is horrified when she sees Rafe's cross. He escapes, but Lilith is able to find him and tries to seduce him. Katherine receives a frantic call from Caleb and Rafe joins her to find him. Caleb has been turned into a vampire and captures Katherine and puts Rafe in the hospital. Joined by Reverend Current, who is looking to redeem himself for profiting off the deaths of sinners, Rafe fills Super Soakers with holy water and heads to the brothel. Will they be able to save Katherine and kill Lilith before it's too late?

There are worse ways to go

Movies always run the risk of casting someone who is popular at the time the movie is being made. Dennis Miller's television show on HBO was quite popular in the mid-90's and was known from his time at Saturday Night Live. His acting resume, though, wasn't particularly long and it showed in Bordello Of Blood. The movie tries so desperately to be funny, and while a few puns can elicit a chuckle, most fail to make the audience even crack a smile. The jokes come too quickly, mostly in the form of one-liners delivered by Miller's unique brand of comedy, which comes off as too sarcastic for the role. Action movies can be funny, it's just all in the delivery. Bruce Willis in Die Hard is a perfect example as his sarcasm is well-placed and well-timed. If John McClane made obscure topical references instead of saying “Yippy kay-yay, motherfucker” the movie wouldn't have worked. Angie Everhart is good in her role, though she is forced to spout some cringe-worthy one-liners of her own. Erika Eleniak does well and I appreciate the idea of making a former Playboy Playmate a church worker. Chris Sarandon is quite entertaining as the reverend as well.

Bordello Of Blood also tries to have a lot of action, which is more successful than the comedy. The violence is delightfully over-the-top and with gore and blood by the buckets. The movie has exploding vampires, beheadings, dismemberments, and everything in-between. The makeup and special effects look very good and convincing. The story of a bordello filled with prostitutes is actually quite creative and I'm surprised more horror movies haven't tried to emulate it. One thing I noticed about the movie, was that during the vampire fighting scene, Rafe and the reverend used water guns filled with holy water. If that sounds familiar, From Dusk Till Dawn had the same idea and the same year that Bordello Of Blood came out. It is entirely possible that it was a coincidence and I have no idea who came up with it first, but compared to the greatness of From Dusk Till Dawn, Bordello ends up looking silly. Speaking of silly, my autocorrect is filling in “Bordello of Blood” with “Bordello of Bloodsport”. That is a movie that needs to happen as soon as possible.

Hole in one

Originally, the trilogy was to include “Dead Easy”, “Demon Knight”, and “Body Count”. For whatever reason, only Demon Knight was actually made with Bordello of Blood and Ritual replacing the other two movies. Demon Knight is referenced a few times in the movie, such as a poster on Caleb's wall, and the inclusion of the key was a nice touch. The problem, though, is the key is destroyed in Bordello of Blood. Doesn't that mean the world will end, since the key was the only think keeping the demons from destroying the world in Demon Knight? Why include the key and express it's importance, just to destroy it and ignore the ramifications? I guess it doesn't matter since Bordello Of Blood did so poorly at the box office, essentially killing the TFTC movie series. When Ritual was released, it didn't even include the “Tales From The Crypt” banner or an intro from the Crypt Keeper. Thankfully, the Crypt Keeper was still in this movie, bringing his goofy puns and macabre jokes to the table. The inclusion of William Sadler (The Shawshank Redemption, Die Hard 2) during the Crypt Keeper's scenes were fun. 

Please, no more Chelsea Clinton jokes

Bordello Of Blood has some fun vampire action and lots of blood and gore. It's cartoonish violence, but it is still entertaining. The cast is a who's who of the early-to-mid 1990's with most putting in decent performances. Dennis Miller essentially plays Dennis Miller, cracking wise without making the audience crack a smile. His acting career wasn't long as he spent a brief time not being funny on Monday Night Football and is currently a conservative commentator being funny for all the wrong reasons. The movie tries too hard being funny with bad jokes made worse by Miller's delivery. The movie never reaches the level of it's predecessor in terms of horror or genuine humor, but it still has it's entertaining moments.There is a considerable amount of nudity, adult content, and violence, so it may not be for younger viewers. If you need something goofy and violent, you could do worse than Bordello Of Blood. It's watchable, but should have been much better.

5/10

Day 127: Tales From The Crypt: Demon Knight

Tales From The Crypt: Demon Knight

Have a good knight! EEEHEHEHEHEHEHE

As I've addressed in my review of “Ritual,” Tales From The Crypt used to scale the hell out of me, mostly because of the Crypt Keeper. There's just something terrifying about a corpse puppet making terrible puns in a high-pitched voice that just strikes fear into the hearts of children. Now that I'm older, much like Freddy Krueger, the Crypt Keeper is just over-the-top funny. Of course, the version of Ritual that I watched didn't have the Crypt Keeper or anything related to Tales From The Crypt other than the name in the title. Thankfully, Demon Knight was not only a far superior movie, but also included the Crypt Keeper at the beginning and end.

Demon Knight is a 1995 horror movie starring William Sadler (The Mist, Freaked) as Frank Brayker , Billy Zane (Titanic, The Phantom) as The Collector, and Jada Pinkett (The Nutty Professor, The Matrix Reloaded) as ex-criminal Jeryline. Frank and the Collector are in a cat-and-mouse chase that leads Frank to a tiny hotel converted from a church in the California desert. He observes the residents, owner Irene (CCH Pounder, Avatar, Warehouse 13), Jeryline, Uncle Willy (Dick Miller, Eerie Indiana, Gremlins), prostitute Cordelia, cook Roach (Thomas Hayden Church, Spider-man 3, Sideways), and postal worker Wally. Collector meets with the Sheriff and his inept deputy Bob and convince them that Frank is a thief, in possession of a relic that belongs to him. They arrest Frank, but learn that the Collector had also stolen a car, so they try to take him in, but Collector literally punches through the sheriff's face. He is driven out of the building by Frank's mystical artifact, a cross-shaped key with blood inside it. The Collector cuts himself, bleeding neon green blood onto the ground, which gives rise to hideous humanoid demons. The demons attack, but Brayker pours blood out of the key onto each doorway, creating a seal that the demons cannot pass. Unable to get in, Collector uses psychic powers to seduce the inhabitants into letting him in. Brayker explains that after God created the Heavens and the Earth, demons spawned in the darkness, forging 7 keys that, when combined, would grant them the power of the universe. God created light and scattered the demons and the keys across the cosmos. Since them, the demons have collected 6 keys and have returned to Earth to get the 7^th. To prevent it from falling into the demon's hands, God had a thief fill it with the blood of Jesus from the crucifixion. Throughout the years, various people have been the guardian of the key, but they are not immortal. Seriously hurt, Frank grants Jeryline his power and refills the key with his blood. Will Jeryline be able to defeat the Collector and save the world?

At least the company looks nice

First off, I have to say that this movie is flat-out fun to watch. It does so many things right that I almost feel bad for pointing out any flaws. The acting is what really carries the movie, with Billy Zane putting in an amazing performance. Seriously, he should have won an award for his over-the-top, charmingly evil Collector. He appears to be having a blast throughout the entire movie without sacrificing his ability to be an evil demon. Jada Pinkett and William Sadler are great as well along with a really good supporting cast. Ernest Dickerson is very good in the director's chair, which is not a surprise since he has also directed episodes of The Walking Dead and The Wire. The story itself is fairly different and original, though it does get a little clunky with the whole God/Jesus blood bit. It's not enough of a distraction to take away from the movie, it just feels kind of weird.

The portion of the movie that works so well is the action mixed with horror. The demons look creepy, sort of like a mixture of alien and humans caked in mud. The humans that become possessed look extra terrifying and the makeup people deserve a lot of credit as their creations are the stuff of nightmares. There is plenty of blood and creative kills that will make you wince and laugh. You know you're in for a fun ride when Billy Zane punches through the sheriff’s head and can get his hand free, futilely trying to shake it off like he just stuck his hand into an old pumpkin.

Oh, the sights we'll see and the people we'll kill

Demon Knight is a fun mixture of horror, action, and humor. The writing and acting are great with a solid director at the helm. There is a good amount of bloody violence and smart humor that keeps the audience excited and entertained. The movie also contains a really good hard rock/heavy metal soundtrack including Pantera, Filter, and Rollins Band. Thankfully, the Crypt Keeper is in the prologue and epilogue of the movie and there are references to Tales From The Crypt, as it should be when their name is in the title of the freaking movie. TFTC had a history of false starts and general confusion when it came to their movies as Demon Knight was supposed to be the second in a trilogy, but actually came out first. After the credits, we're told to look forward to the next TFTC movie called Dead Easy which never actually came out. Someone really must have screwed up, but it doesn't matter because we got a great movie. Definitely check this one out as soon as you can.

9/10

Day 71: Tales From The Crypt: Ritual

Tales From The Crypt: Ritual

Dreaming in red

I was absolutely terrified of Tales From The Crypt when I was younger. Not because of the stories, but because of the Crypt Keeper. That puppet was really scary with his corpsey look and high-pitched squeals of delight. Now that I'm older, I can appreciate the sick humor of the Crypt Keeper, much in the same way that I can now laugh at Freddy Krueger. While it made it's name with the comic book and television show, TFTC also made 3 full-length movies. Time to dive into one I've never even heard of, Ritual.

Ritual follows Dr. Alice Dodgson (Jennifer Grey, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Dirty Dancing). Her medical license has been revoked after the accidental death of a young patient. Alice is haunted by her death and travels to Jamaica to be a personal physician for a very wealthy patient, Wesley Claybourne (Daniel Lapaine). Wesley's brother, Paul, informs Alice that Wesley believes he is a zombie, under the control of an Obeah (Jamaican version of Voodoo) curse. Alice soon realizes that Obeah is very real and begins to suffer from horrific hallucinations. She is aided in her research by Dr. Hope (Tim Curry, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Clue) and Caro (Kristen Wilson, Dr. Doolittle, Bulletproof). Under Alice's care, Wesley begins to show improvement. Caro also suffers from hallucinations and Dr. Hope is mysteriously murdered. Not is all as it seems and it's up to Alice to help Wesley. Who can she trust and how can she find a cure?

You got a little something...ehh, never mind

The movie says Tales From The Crypt, but there is absolutely no reference to the show or comic book. How can you have a TFTC movie and not have the Crypt Keeper? According to some research, because the previous movie, Bordello of Blood, did poorly at the box office, they removed references to TFTC. I was expecting something fun in the demented sense. I guess my version didn't include any of the references. Instead I got a boring voodoo-flavored movie that is more mystery than horror. The only horror that exists come in people's dreams and hallucinations. You figure out pretty quickly that that is the case, taking away any fear or excitement because you know it's not real. While there are some differences, the movie strongly reminds me of The Serpent and the Rainbow; White doctor goes to an island, thinks voodoo is fake, learns voodoo is very real, the police is corrupt, save the day.

Jennifer Grey does a decent job in her role, but unfortunately the movie is so low-budget, they couldn't give her a bra for multiple scenes. Kristen Wilson is quite good as the native Caro. Tim Curry is his usual eccentric self, but has a pretty minor role. Daniel Lapaine comes off as a bit doofy and it makes it hard for the audience to cheer for him. Ritual is one of those movies where you ask yourself, “Why don't the just move away?” The Serpent and the Rainbow answered that question when the main character made it back to the US, but was still attacked. I don't think that's the case in this movie, mostly because that would involve a creative, well-written story. Most of the movie is fairly boring with a few flourishes of psychological fear. That's certainly not enough to keep you entertained for a movie that is almost an hour and forty-five minutes long.

Hi! I'm in a better version you didn't watch! EEEEHEHEHEHE!

Ritual is a disappointment on multiple levels. There is no Crypt Keeper or any real reference to Tales From The Crypt. The story, supposedly based on I Walked With A Zombie, is boring and uninspired. The is little horror involved and the horror that does exist quickly becomes predictable. The acting is decent and the direction is fine, but it can't overcome a boring story. Save yourself the trouble and avoid Ritual.

3/10