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Friday, October 31, 2014

Black Roses

Black Roses
Not to be confused with Guns n Roses, Black Veil Brides, or The Rosie Black Chronicles

Heavy metal is the Devil’s music, right? I mean, that’s why the world has been plunged into a thousand years of darkness ever since the release of Black Sabbath’s “Paranoid”. Oh, wait. That didn’t happen did it?

Every few years, groups of people with too much time on their hands get their dander up about the “evils of rock music”. The majority of people know this is ridiculous, but it certainly doesn’t help when a few goobers throw out a few lyrics from a metal band before committing heinous acts. No, a song isn’t going to flip a switch inside your brain commanding you to give your soul to the Dark One. But it’s not a bad idea for a movie.

Black Roses is a 1988 horror movie starring John Martin (General Hospital, One Life To Live) as high school English teacher Matthew Moorhouse. Black Roses, an up-and-coming heavy metal band, has decided to come to a small town to play 4 shows as a warm-up act before heading out on the road. Parents and school officials are both concerned with the lyrical content and the imagery put forth by the band’s music. While most of the adults want to shut down the shows, Mr. Moorhouse urges for the group to have an open mind. Students excitedly pack the auditorium to watch Black Roses and they adults sit in the back. One inoffensive power ballad later and the adults leave the show, safe in the knowledge that the band, while a bit too loud, is nothing to be afraid of. As soon as they leave, the concert kicks off in earnest with loads of sexual imagery and devilish music. The next day, Mr. Moorhouse reaches out to Black Roses lead singer Damian (Sal Vivano, The Jitters, Law & Order) who assures him that the band has no ill intentions towards the kids or the town. Even Mr. Moorhouse’s prize student Julie (Karen Planden in her only acting role of note) shows a marked change. Soon, the behavior (and clothing choices) of the high-schoolers begins to change. It is revealed that Black Roses are, in fact, demons corrupting young people with their music in an effort to turn them into fellow demons. Students start killing their parents and other adults in gruesome fashion. When Mr. Moorhouse confronts Julie about her change in behavior, she transforms into a hideous demon and tries to kill him. How will Mr. Moorhouse be able to stop Black Roses before it’s too late?

And what secrets does his mustache contain?

With an idea like this, there’s only two ways the movie could have gone: extremely serious or extremely goofy. The general concept isn’t bad and if done seriously, it at least had the potential to be a good horror movie. Of course, this was made in 1988, the same year that gave us tons of horror sequels like Friday the 13th part VII, A Nightmare On Elm Street 4, Halloween 4, Hellraiser II, and Howling IV or lots of not-serious horror like Killer Klowns From Outer Space, Hobgoblins, Scarecrows, and Waxwork. For the most part, Black Roses is goofy. I say that because there are some scenes of violence in the movie that take an extremely dark turn compared to the tone of the rest of the film. A student shooting his father repeatedly in the head, another beating her perverted step-father to death, and Julie slitting someone’s throat are a stark departure from the lighthearted beginning of the movie. It kind of took the fun out of the movie’s initial camp. It’s hard to laugh when you’re cringing.

I said "No crusts"!

 So what makes Black Roses silly? Beyond the general tone of the movie, one has to look towards the flow and pacing of the movie as well as the continuity. The movie tends to slow down at various points just when you think it should be ramping up. Every time we get some action, the story veers off into different places, such as Mr. Moorhouse’s love life. Not enough time is really given to his personal life for us to care, so it’s just wasted minutes. I would have liked more attention spent on the band themselves. It would have been nice to have had a clearer motive for their actions or even some of a back-story. The movie just presents them as some sort of magical demons and that’s about it.

Danzig still looks pretty good for his age.

 When we are first introduced to Black Roses at the beginning of the movie, their demonic look is completely different from their look at the end of the movie. Why? I actually thought their original costumes, why obviously cheap masks, still looked good. Compare that to the embodiment of rubber bodysuit embarrassment we see at the end. That costume looks like it should be handing out overpriced rubbery pizzas at Chuck E. Cheese, not corrupting the innocent and turning them into monsters. In fact, I think he’s a little shorter than Mr. Moorhouse. Mr. Moorhouse should have just put his hand up, keeping the monster at bay while flinging it’s arms wildly.

Bring it on, short stack!

 When the movie first began, I thought the main character was a male student. About 20 minutes in, he is pretty much forgotten about as the focus shifts towards Mr. Moorhouse. I thought it was a bit odd that the hero of the movie was a teacher instead of one of the students. Wouldn’t it have been better and more cohesive to have a student save the day, resisting the pull of the evil metal music? It probably doesn’t help that some of the students are clearly in their late 20’s. But hey, we get famous metal drummer Carmine Appice (Ozzy Osbourne, Vanilla Fudge) in all his 80’s sleaziness as the band’s drummer. They get points for that at least. The acting throughout the movie is passable with no one being particularly bad or good. We do get a small scene with Vincent Pastore (Big Pussy from The Sopranos) as the father of one of the students. I’ll bet he doesn’t put Black Roses on too many resumes. In a bit of a funny coincidence, director John Fasano also directed Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare.

Whoops. Sorry, fellas. I’ll come back later.

 In a movie about heavy metal, how does the music hold up? It’s not bad actually, with real musicians such as Appice and Mark Free (King Kobra, Unruly) recording the songs. It’s your typical late 80’s mixture of rock and hair metal. Kind of catchy in that typical glittery cheesey 80’s way. The movie also features music from Lizzy Borden, Bang Tango, and Tempest. The sound track was released by Metal Blade, proud home of bands such as the Goo Goo Dolls, Viking, and Austrian Death Machine. Oh, and some other well-known metal bands too.

I’ll bet this demon was shoved into a lot of lockers as a teenager.

 Black Roses manages to have some fun moments, but doesn’t seem capable of pulling it together. The main message of the film does in fact seem to be that heavy metal is evil, though it’s not entirely clear given that the main character encourages people to have an open mind. The dark, intense nature of the movie’s violence takes away from the fun, leaving the movie in a weird sort of limbo between serious and silly. It also doesn’t help that the demons look like the leftovers from a Halloweentown store on November 1st. The music is probably the best part thanks to the filmmakers wisely relying on established bands to provide it. While it’s not a particularly good movie, it can still be fun to laugh at with a group of friends.

4.5/10

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare

Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare
This may or may not be the new Manowar album art
 
There is nothing inherently wrong with making a low-budget horror movie. There is something wrong with making a low-budget horror movie when the same person writes, produces, provides the music, and acts in the lead role.

Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare (originally titled The Edge of Hell) is a 1987 horror movie starring Jon Mikl Thor (Zombie Nightmare, 80’s metal band Thor) as John Triton, lead singer of the band Triton. Triton, along with their girlfriends and manager, have driven out to an isolated barn house to record new music. Unbeknownst to them, a family was mysteriously murdered several years before by an evil force. After a mediocre recording session, various monsters begin appearing in the house. One by one, the band becomes possessed by the evil presence and their personalities start to change. On the bright side, the band sounds better than ever. Unfortunately, the good times end as everyone in the house disappears, leaving John as the sole member still alive. The evil spirit finally reveals it’s true form, that of the Devil himself! How will John be able to defeat the Prince of Darkness?

And who knew the Devil was so adorable?

Calling Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare a vanity project for Jon Mikl Thor doesn’t do the term justice. He’s the writer, producer, and lead acting role. To the surprise of no one, Thor is not good at all three of these things. The movie cost a little over $50,000 to make, a paltry sum for a horror movie that includes multiple monsters. You may be surprised to find out that the movie took a week to film. If I had to guess, I would’ve said it took a solid afternoon.

In terms of acting, you have your standard c-level horror movie crappiness. The director purportedly hired some of his friends to act and I completely believe that. Lines are delivered poorly, usually with a lack of proper emotion or projection. I think Thor knew he wasn’t much of an actor, because despite being the hero of the movie, he actually isn’t in it all that much. There are times throughout the movie where the dialogue is drowned out by music.

This next one is called “Cocaine Titty Explosion”!

Speaking of music, Thor manages to cram in as much of his as possible. If we’re being honest, it’s not that bad. It straddles the line between hair metal and late 70’s cock rock. I’m not a fan of either genre, but the music manages to be tolerable, bordering on enjoyable at times. Probably because it distracts from the poor acting and lack of story. Beyond the metal music, Rock N Roll Nightmare also injects cheap Casio keyboard hits that would make Varg Vikernes nether regions tingle like the first time he read Mein Kampf. The cheap keyboard music pops up at random times throughout the movie and consistently made me laugh. Probably not what they were going for.

On top of all that, Thor is the main image on the poster. He beats out the Devil for top billing! He’s practically saying “Out of the way, Beezlebro, I gotta flex these pecs! You may bring the lightning, but I’ve got the thunder! Drink it in! UGGGHHHHH!” To be fair, when you’re a former bodybuilder that writes like Helen Keller after a night of heavy drinking, you might as well pose as much as possible. And pose he does. The final battle between John and the Devil is a chance for Thor to take off his shirt, put on some sort of chain-mail loincloth and do his best Mr. USA poses. Think I’m kidding? Look at this picture:

I call this look "Brown Steel"

With all of these things out of the way, what about the story? Well, there isn’t much story. There really isn’t much build or anticipation. Things just kind of happen and then we move on. The demons/monsters are Halloween store surplus. The Devil is downright adorable. And this guy? Subtlely was thrown out of the window into a dump truck filled with rat tracks. It’s literally a one-eyed penis-shaped monster. What else can you say? I mean, besides “What in the throbbing purple fuck?!”

Funny caption not necessary

 I won’t spoil the big twist, but it comes out of nowhere and makes very, very little sense. It actually causes more plotholes than fills them in. It does lead to one of the best fight scenes since Roddy Piper vs. Keith Davis in “They Live”. It’s less a find and more of a “John makes funny faces while holding the arms of the paper mache Devil. And it goes on for 10 minutes!

Oh sure, you love Slim Jims, but you don’t want to see what they’re made from.

Rock N Roll Nightmare is a funhouse mirror in Jon Mikl Thor’s world where he is the best at everything. Really, though, can you be annoyed by a movie this goofy and inept? Yeah, you can. With a group of friends Rock N Roll Nightmare can be a good time. It’s poorly acted, poorly written, and downright silly. It’s absolutely fun to laugh at and can be enjoyable if treated as such. But as a genuine horror movie? It’s woefully and hysterically bad. And may you be in Heaven half an hour before the Devil knows you’re flexing.

3.5/10

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Hard Rock Zombies

Hard Rock Zombies

Rock and Roll will never die

Horror may be the only film genre where bad movies are just as beloved as the good ones. Oh sure, there’s a few terrible Sci-Fi movies out there that are loved (thanks to Mystery Science Theater 3000), but not on the same level as horror. Genres like romance, western, war, thriller and the like don’t have the same affinity for terrible movies. Why horror? I suppose if you like the genre, you already have a bit of a warped sense of humor as compared to the mainstream. Of course, it’s important to know the difference between “it’s so bad, it’s good” and “it’s so bad I want to pull my eyeballs out with an ice cream scoop”.

Hard Rock Zombies is a 1985 zombie movie E.J. Curse (Bones, Rules of Engagement) as Jessie, the lead singer of an up-and-coming hair metal band. The band travels to the small coastal town of Grand Guignol to play a concert for a record producer. Along the way, they pick up a beautiful hitchhiker named Elsa (Eyes of the Serpent, Molested) who invites them to stay at her family’s mansion. The family consists of Elsa, her elderly grandparents, her brother (it’s not clear), a groundskeeper, and two “little people”, one with an eye patch and one suffering some sort of unexplained deformity. Unbeknownst to the band, Elsa recently drowned two men while her family members watched with glee. While in town, the band’s antics, which includes skateboarding and miming (seriously), raises the ire of the locals. Enraged by these events, the town bans the band from playing. Meanwhile, Jessie starts to fall for a young girl of indeterminate age from town named Cassie (Jennifer Coe) who had originally warned him not to come to Grand Guignol. Instead of playing in town, the band performs at the mansion for the sadistic family. The band is electrocuted mid-set, but survives. Later that night, the family murders each member of the band, leaving only their manager alive who was in town trying to secure a venue for the band. When he returns, the grandfather reveals himself to actually be Hitler (yes, really) who is still bent on world destruction. Cassie resurrects the band, turning them into the living dead, who quickly gain revenge on the murderous Nazi family. Unfortunately, the family is also turned into zombies who begin to wreak havoc on the townspeople. How will the hard rock zombies be able to stop the zombie Nazis and what will happen when the record producer comes to see their show?

hrz4
Y-M-C-BRAAAAAIIINNNNSSSSS!

Does that sound like a good movie to you? No. Of course not. Does it sound like a movie “so bad, it’s good”. Don’t say “yes” because it wasn’t. The entire film is a comedy of errors. From a technical standpoint, many scenes are too dark, the music is occasionally so loud that it drowns out dialogue, mics creep into shots, the inexplicable scenes of the band cavorting around town like extras from a Dexys Midnight Runners video and the even more inexplicable scenes of Elsa dancing. The exclamation point comes when writer/director Krishna Shah’s (American Drive-In, Shalimar) name is spelled incorrectly in the credits.

hrz2
Yep. That’s a mic at the top of the frame.

Of course, the technical errors can’t even compare to this viral outbreak of story. I wasn’t trying to be lazy or vague in my rundown of the movie above. I genuinely couldn’t remember characters names or even the name of the band. It doesn’t really matter. It’s not like it had much of an impact on the story.

hrz
Not pictured: Story


Speaking of story, I have eight words: who, where, when, why, and what the fuck? With bad horror movies, you can usually see a kernel of a good idea hidden beneath the layers of garbage. I couldn’t find that kernel in Hard Rock Zombies. It’s as if someone had an idea board and threw three darts that happened to land on “zombies” “music” and “Hitler”. And to make things worse, all three of those things are executed poorly.
When the band becomes zombies, the do this herky-jerky walk-dance that looks like a cross between The Robot and rigor mortis setting in. And they can still do normal everyday things like drive and play their instruments. Sure. Why not? In terms of music, “hard rock” is a huge misnomer. The band’s songs are the musical equivalent of marshmallows. Yeah, it’s catchy, but so is the flu. And Hitler? This came from out of nowhere and managed to make a story about musician zombies even stupider. And why did he reveal himself? And what’s the deal with the deformed little person? And is Eva Braun a werewolf or does she just wear a werewolf mask? Nothing is particularly clear and just when you think things get weirder, things get weirder. All of this makes me want to curl up in a ball under the kitchen table, eating nothing but sugar packets until my arteries caramelize.

hrz1
Sadly, the Hair Metal Helmet never took off.

One would think that the basis of the movie would be the band gaining revenge on the family. That makes sense, right? Well, making sense took a vacation with this movie. The family is killed in less than ten minutes of the bands’ demise. Why not have that be the rest of the film? Maybe you think I’m being too hard on this movie, but you didn’t have to sit through it. I’m definitely stupider for having done so. If it was supposed to be a straight horror film, it failed. If it was supposed to be a comedy film, it failed.

People that like this movie dress up their kids as Ash from Army of Darkness. People that like this movie then tweet those pictures to Bruce Campbell for his approval. People that like this movie see nothing wrong with the insanity of the “ghost rape” storyline in American Horror Story. People that like this movie invite dates over to watch Human Centipede. People that like this movie get hot dogs at the movie theater. People that like this movie use the bathroom stall next to you even though there’s a bunch open. People that like this movie own a “Keep Calm” shirt. People that like this movie take a full shopping cart to the self-checkout line. People that like this movie use Uber just because it’s raining. People that like this movie really want you to read Ron Paul’s books. People that like this movie get lunch from Dunkin Donuts every day.

(If any of that offended you, please leave lots of rage comments and post a link to this review everywhere. I get more views that way.)
 
“Ssssssssmmmoooookin!”

The story is bad, the acting is bad, the humor is bad, and the music is bad. What I’m really trying to say is that Hard Rock Zombies is bad and now I feel bad for having watched it. It’s not bad in a good way. It’s just plain bad.

Hard Rock Zombies is available in it’s entirety on Youtube (but you shouldn’t watch it).

1/10

Friday, October 10, 2014

Trick Or Treat

Trick Or Treat
Judging by the poster, I'll choose neither

High school is a hellish time for just about everyone. We’ve all had to deal with bad grades, homework, unrequited love, bullies, and the killer ghosts of satanic heavy metal icons. What, you didn’t have to deal with that last one?

I always cringe when I hear someone say that high school was the best time of their life. Really? Was it the delicious school lunches of cardboard and ketchup pizza? Was it being forced to sit through useless class after useless class being taught by someone who stopped caring 5 years before you were born? Those people peaked early. They’re the same goofs that wear their Varsity jackets and add current high schools on Facebook. More often than not, those people were also bullies. The point is, high school is no fun which is why it’s the basis for many horror movies. Just off the top of my head, I can think of Horror High, Carrie, The Craft, and Prom Night all revolving around high school. All three also involve revenge on bullies. Sounds like a theme, huh?

Trick or Treat is a 1986 supernatural horror movie starring Marc Price (Family Ties, The Rescue) as high-schooler Eddie Weinbauer. Eddie is an outcast in school and is consistently being tortured by bully Tim Hainey (Doug Savant, Melrose Place, 24). His one escape is through his love of heavy metal. Eddie consistently writes to his hero, Sammi Curr (Tony Fields, Across the Moon, Santa Barbara) his favorite musician who also went to the same high school as Eddie. Sammi is killed in a mysterious fire leaving Eddie completely devastated. He visits his friend Nuke (Gene Simmons from KISS), a DJ at the local radio station. To help Eddie deal with his grief, Nuke gives him the demo record of Curr’s unreleased last album “Songs In The Key Of Death”. Nuke also informs Eddie that he plans to play the album at midnight on Halloween. While listening to the album, Eddie has a strange vision of a building on fire and Sammi sitting in what appears to be some sort of satanic ritual. He then hears that the record is skipping and that hidden lyrics seem to be directly addressing him. Eddie begins to follow the instructions from the record, taking revenge on Tim. Standing up to his bully, Eddie is filled with a new confidence and begins a friendship with popular girl Leslie (Lisa Orgolini, Born To Ride, Satlin). As time goes on, Eddie realizes that Sammi Curr is actually speaking to him from beyond the grave via the record. Sammi’s evil plans are soon revealed and before Eddie can stop him, an electrical surge reincarnates Sammi, complete with electric powers. Will Eddie and Leslie be able to stop Sammi before his music is broadcast for the entire world to hear?


And what does his hand taste like?


On the surface, Trick Or Treat is a fun, if somewhat goofy horror movie. It initially hits on the misfit teenager being bullied and wanting revenge trope pretty well. Almost a little too well, in fact. Eddie’s humiliation and torture is so great that if you take out the movie’s camp and put in some ambient music, the first 20 minutes of the movie could be very depressing. Combine this with his airhead and mostly-absent mother, and this could easily be a movie about a school shooting in the right (or wrong) context. Of course, we can’t take out the camp because it really defines the rest of the movie. The special effects, though, are very cartoony. And when I say cartoony, I’m not being abstract. I mean they literally look like they are from a cartoon. The movie manages sprinkle in some legitimately funny humor, such as a student in a mascot costume being carried out of the school dance on a stretcher.


Whoa! Too close!

The acting and directing are both fine. Tony Fields was a Solid Gold dancer prior to acting and he sure gets plenty of chances to show off his moves. All that was missing was the bucket of water from Flashdance. There are some fun and creative kills to keep the audience entertained. The story starts to wear thin, though, towards the end. We get the natural progression of a bullied Eddie wanting revenge only to have remorse at his actions. But at the end, Tim is still a bully, trying to force himself on Leslie and even hitting her. So does that mean Eddie was right all along with his quest for revenge? Seems like a bad lesson. Eddie isn’t written as the best hero. Towards the end of the movie, he’s constantly telling Leslie to “stay here” or “wait here”. In fact, it’s Leslie and Eddie’s friend Roger that show more bravery than Eddie does.

The movie does have a fair amount of plot holes that tends to take away from the viewing experience. Why is Sammi chasing after Eddie now that he’s reincarnated? Ultimately, what difference does it make? It’s not like he needs him anymore. And how are they going to explain all of these supernatural deaths? There’s a scene where a band is about to play at the high school dance and Sammi reaches through an amp, kills the singer, and takes his place to perform the concert. This is all done in front of a room full of people and no one cares! I can suspend disbelief, but come on. It also doesn’t help when a microphone is clearly in the shot. Oops.

The mic is the least-awkward thing about this shot

Another bit of weirdness/creepiness revolves around a scene involving Tim’s girlfriend Gennie listening to a cassette copy of “Song In The Key Of Death”. Through the power of satanic magic (I guess) Sammi molests Gennie with a ghost-like animated hand. After disrobing, Gennie opens her eyes to see a giant green monster on top of her. What was the point of this scene? It was incredibly uncomfortable and wholly unnecessary. It didn’t add to the story and made the movie far darker than intended. On top of that, where did this monster version of Sammi come from and why didn’t we ever see it again? It was just so very strange and didn’t make much sense.
It’s nice to see Gene Simmons pull double duty.

When most movies try to address heavy metal, we get some sort of ham-fisted reference to a band or album, and nothing more. See the “No way! I love Pantera too!” conversation from Mighty Ducks 3 for an example. I’ll give Trick or Treat a lot of credit though because there is enough in this movie to make any metal fan happy. We have references to Judas Priest, Megadeth, Exciter, Lizzy Borden, Dee Snider, Anthrax, and Impaler. There is also a reference to the PMRC Senate hearings made famous by the spat between Dee Snider and Tipper Gore. Clearly, someone knew what they were doing when putting this together. Of course, the movie’s underlying message does seem to say that heavy metal is evil, so it’s really a toss-up if Trick or Treat is pro or anti-metal. Music for the movie is provided by Fastway, featuring “Fast” Eddie Clark, formerly of Motorhead and Pete Way, formerly of UFO.

The movie also has cameos by KISS’s Gene Simmons and Ozzy Osbourne as an anti-heavy metal evangelist Reverend Aaron Gilstrom. Despite what some posters and DVD covers might suggest, both rockers do not star in this movie. They just make brief, but fun cameos. Ozzy’s natural stammering makes his character seem more natural and believable. Just think of how many times you say “um” and “uh” in your daily life and then watch a movie. Doesn’t happen too often. Excluding Jeff Goldblum, of course.
Ultimately, Trick or Treat is a fun, if flawed, horror movie. It’s entertaining enough with some good action and subtle humor. It’s cheesy, but fun cheesy.I appreciated that the movie actually put effort into establishing that Eddie loved heavy metal. I also liked that Sammi once referred to Eddie as “false metal”. Apparently, Eddie was reincarnated as a Youtube commenter.

5.5/10

Friday, April 19, 2013

The Worst Of 365 Days Of Horror

A "Worst Of" list from all the movies I have reviewed
Going down
 
I gave you the best, now here's the worst. When you watch 365 horror movies, you're bound to find a whole bunch of duds. When a horror movie is great, it is truly great. It's far easier to make a bad movie than a good one and it's very apparent in horror. Go to your local Wal-Mart, convenience store, or gas station and you'll probably see a pile of cheap horror movies, most of which you've never heard of. This project allowed me to see some truly great classic horror movies. It also allowed me to see some of the worst bits of entertainment committed to film. There were some movies that were so bad that I couldn't even get through them. While I could probably write for days about each terrible movie, below is a comprehensive list of the worst offenders, split into sub genres. Hope you enjoy my hate!


Worst Overall Movie



How can one movie get something things wrong? H.P. Lovecraft is one of my favorite writers, but for whatever reason, most of the movies based off his work are terrible. I can't say that The Tomb falls into this category because it does not follow the Lovecraft story. I mean, at all. The original story is a great work of the macabre. The movie is just a confused, muddled mess of nothingness. I understand that budget constraints make some of his grander stories hard to create. The Tomb doesn't have that problem because there is no budget. I have no idea who the characters are or what is going on in this movie. The acting is horrible and the direction is almost non-existant. The best part of the movie is when I stopped watching it. Easily the worst out of 365 movies.

Runner-Up: The Zombie Diaries

Zombie Movie (Romero)


It's no secret that I love George Romero's original “...Of The Dead” trilogy. They are what got me into a horror. While some of his non-zombie movies have been less than stellar, he is still the godfather of the undead. Like criticizing your favorite band for putting out an album that you don't like, I find it hard to point out the problems in Survival Of The Dead. Not because there aren't any (believe me, there are plenty) it's just that it's almost painful to see where things went wrong. I appreciate that the story connects with Diary Of The Dead as it adds a nice touch of continuity. Unfortunately, the rest of the story feels incredibly forced and, at times, confusing. Why are there two Irish families feuding on some island in America? And more importantly, why do we care? There is some decent action, but nowhere near the level of brutal violence and gore we've come to expect from a Romero zombie movie. Rather than going out with a bang, Survival ends the second zombie trilogy with a sad whimper.

Runner-up: Diary of the Dead

Zombie Movie (non-Romero)


A picture is worth a thousand words. The cover for The Zombie Diaries dvd looks like a fun, action-packed zombie bloodfest. None of that happens in this shaky found-footage borefest. It starts off relatively interesting, but the action never picks up. The story is as excruciatingly slow as the snail-paced zombies. It jumps between different groups of people, whom the audience does not know or care about. I was left bored and confused the entire length of the movie. The ending tries to be shocking, but by the time I reached the end, I just didn't care. It's shocking that they actually made a sequel to this movie considering just how bad the original is. I highly recommend that you stay far away from this movie.

Runner-up: The Quick and the Dead

Vampire Movie


Just about everything in this movie is bad, but what do you expect from Director Uwe Boll. He's the reverse Midas. Everything he touches turns to garbage. I knew that the movie was going to be bad before I watched it, it was just a matter of how bad. The story is moronic, the acting is terrible, and Michael Madsen's wig should be considered a dangerous animal. At least the movie has lots of blood and violence. Stupid, pointless violence, but violence nonetheless. I've never played the video game, so I can't compare and contrast it with the movie. Either way, Bloodrayne is further proof that video games should never be made into movies.

Runner-Up: Against the Dark


Werewolf Movie


There are no werewolves in this movie. None. Zero. Nada. Sure, there are some wolf sounds and some suggestive shadows, but no actual, on-screen shots of werewolves. I regret watching this movie so early into 365 DoH. If I had watched it later on, I would have been able to rip it apart even more. The story is goofy in the made-for-tv sense. It's clearly made on the the cheap and shots of the moon are reused so many times that it deserves top billing. There's no real horror or suspense to speak of. The only redeeming quality for the entire movie is that Elisa Donovan is in it. Beyond that, Wolves of Wall Street is just a pile of terrible.

Runner-Up: The Beast Of Bray Road


Monster Movie


Monster movies shouldn't be complicated. The old Universal monster movies got it right. Nowadays, monster movies need wild gimmicks to separate themselves from the plethora of horror movies that are churned out every day. The first 30 minutes are passable. Not good, but passable. It's not until the story finally kicks in that things fall off the rails, catch on fire, and crash into the side of a mountain. It's a goofy, convoluted legend about a man turning into some sort of alligator. It could have been fun in a SyFy sense, but it's not executed in a way where the story can be enjoyed. There are scenes of incest and sexual assault throughout the movie and neither are portrayed in a negative light. The monster does not look good and there is not as much violence as you'd expect. There's a reason why Creature made the least amount of money ever for a wide-release movie.

Runner-Up: Monsters


Foreign Movie


This one is partially my fault as I thought I would be watching the original Japanese version of The Grudge. I was half-right as there are certain parts of this movie in the American remake. I found the movie really hard to follow, even beyond language and cultural differences. It's relatively short, but still manages to bounce around between characters too much. I could not forge a strong connection to any characters because they would be out of the movie within 15 minutes. There are some unsettling moments and some decent suspense, but the movie lacks the proper amount of action. Most of the violence is implied and while there is a decent amount of blood, some special effects are less than convincing. Ju-On isn't horrendously bad, it's just not good.

Runner-Up: Dead Cert

Slasher Movie


Despite being quite bad, Rocktober Blood has a special place in my heart. I fondly remember watching it (on VHS!) with my friend and laughing at how ridiculous it is. As far as slashers go, it's not suspenseful or scary, just silly. The idea of a killer that comes back from the grave to kill again is not particularly original, but it doesn't matter as the killer is portrayed in such a way that no one anywhere ever could be afraid of him. The one good takeaway is that the music in the movie is performed by the metal band Sorcery. The songs are extremely catchy. Don't believe me? Well check out this song and see if you're not humming it later on. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvB78T2KUFc

Runner-Up: Bloody Birthday

Horror Comedy


Wait, this movie was supposed to be funny? It's the worst type of horror comedy when the movie is neither scary nor funny. Even the Scary Movie series manages to force a chuckle once in a while. Shocker tries to give us some slapstick physical comedy, but it's so hackneyed that the Three Stooges would blush. The story of an executed killer gaining electric super powers and the main character being able to have weird visions doesn't make much sense, even for a horror movie. Things just kind of happen throughout with no regard for continuity or the audience's sanity. The biggest insult of all is that Wes Craven wrote and directed this terrible movie. It would have been scarier to see Rush Limbaugh naked. Funnier too.

Runner-Up: Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes

Demonic Movie


Sometimes you take a chance on the movie, having no prior knowledge to guide your decision. It might lead you to a pleasant surprise, much like when I watched Pontypool. Then again, it might lead you to The Devil's Rock. I was drawn in by the World War II aspect of the movie. I feel that there is a serious lack of good war-based horror movies and always like to give them a chance. Unfortunately, The Devil's Rock is a boring story about some sort of demon being held in a German bunker. The cast is razor thin as I believe there are only 4 people with speaking roles in the entire film. The demon's mind games are as predictable as the characters actions, leaving me bored and annoyed. It doesn't help that the demon looks stereotypical and cartoonish. You might actually find a better demon at your next Halloween party. By the end, I didn't care what happened and just wanted the movie to be over. So much for good war-based horror. You win some, you lose some.

Runner-Up: Blessed

Stephen King Movie


Stephen King is one of the the best horror writers in the modern era. Just about everyone has either read or seen one of his works. Unfortunately, some of his stories have received less than favorable treatments on the big screen. Well, if you want something right, do it yourself. Maximum Overdrive is King's directorial debut. Of course, this was during his coked-up 80's faze and it shows. The killer machine idea is nothing new, but their portrayal in this movie is far too silly to be considered scary. The movie gets stuck in one location and drags on for too long. Emilio Estevez is fine in his role, though not much was required of him. As a first-time director King was passable. Still, the story is better suited for an episode of the Twilight Zone and not a full-length movie. The wailing soundtrack by AC/DC doesn't help, either.

Runner-Up: Graveyard Shift

Sci-Fi Horror Movie


A heroin-addicted sea monster? Check. Cheap mid-90's sets? Check. Mullets? Check. Proteus is your basic science-fiction monster movie complete with ridiculous evil bad-guy plot thrown on top of everything. The hero and his companions are portrayed as a drug smugglers, so it's hard to cheer for them to survive. The dialogue is very bad, but actor Craig Fairbrass manages to do a decent job. His supporting cast does him no favors and bring down the entire movie. The monster itself looks hilariously bad. It actually makes Carnosaur look like it should be in Jurassic Park. If you can't make a good monster, don't make a monster movie.

Runner-Up: Splice

Horror Anthology

 
This movie suckered me in by having Vincent Price in it. Sadly, he's only in a few scenes, but still manages to be the best thing in it. Everything about this anthology is terrible. There are too many stories and none of them are particularly good. The horror is weak and the storytelling is just not there to keep the audience interested. The ideas for the stories aren't bad, just unoriginal. The problem lies in the execution as the acting is poor and the sets are cheap. A little bit of money and effort could have made the movie far more enjoyable. Instead, it's just a painful reminder that I could be watching Creepshow instead.

Runner-Up: Deadtime Stories Vol. 1

Masters Of Horror


Masters of Horror put out plenty of dudes (Dance of the Dead, Haeckel's Tale), but they usually managed to be horror-centric stories. Chocolate doesn't even come close to horror. The idea of seeing horrible violence through another's point of view has been done before (For example, The Eye) and done better. The acting is pretty bad (with the exception of Matt Frewer) and the story is meandering and pointless. There is nothing scary or even exciting about Chocolate. It's all just one big waste of time. I legitimately feel bad for anyone who buys this on a whim. I've seen Disney movies scarier than this.This was painful to sit through.

Runner-Up: Dance Of The Dead, Haeckel's Tale

Remake


I usually question the necessity for remakes, but I can understand the desire to remake the classic 1932 movie “Freaks”. It's old enough where a good chunk of your audience probably have not seen it. It doesn't help, though, when you classify your remake as a “modern retelling” and the only changes you make are nudity and violence. At first, I thought Freakshow was just ripping off Freaks until I did a little research. The original was supremely unsettling while the remake is just boring and uninspired. There's a lot of talk and planning in the movie with very little action until the rushed ending. I'm not a fan of watching torture which is a problem considering the last 10 minutes of the movie are just torture. The scene is painfully slow and unpleasant, just like the rest of the movie.

Runner-Up: The Hitcher

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

The Best Of 365 Days Of Horror

A "Best Of" list from all the movies I have reviewed
Better than all the rest

Greetings fellow horror fans. Have you missed me? I sure missed you. I know I posted back in January that I was going to post a few more things, but life always manages to get in the way. To make up for my lack of posting, here is my "Best Of" list where I break down some of my favorite movies from the past year. If you think I should add another genre or missed out of something, leave me a comment. I'll be doing a "Worst Of" list soon as well. Hopefully it won't take me four months to get to like this post.

Zombie Movie (Romero)


George Romero sure does love his zombie movies. Most people split them up into two categories: The original “...Of The Dead” trilogy of Night, Dawn, and Day and then the recent trilogy of Land, Diary, and Survival. Most would agree that the second trilogy is far inferior to the first three movies. Each of those movies have their moments, but they have too many flaws to even be mentioned in the same breath as the original trilogy. While Night and Day are both entertaining, Dawn Of The Dead is really head and shoulders above the rest. The action starts off right away, the characters are good, and the violence is great. The movie really picks up when they get to the mall, fulfilling the audience's fantasy of doing whatever they want. As is common with Romero's other movies, Dawn has a lot of smart social commentary and really positions people as the real monster.

Runner-Up: Night Of The Living Dead

Zombie Movie (non-Romero)


Pontypool really caught me by surprise. I watched the movie on a whim with no prior knowledge. I saw no trailers, read no reviews. I hadn't even heard of it until I started watching. It's a smart zombie movie that is also incredibly scary. While it may not have as much blood or violence as your typical zombie movie, it stays true to the basic tenets of zombie horror. There is a true sense of panic and utter hopelessness as the movie progresses. I also appreciated that the zombies come about not because of radiation or the dead coming back to life, but because of “infected” words that change people. It's abstract and unique, yet still plausible.

Runner-Up: Exit Humanity

Vampire Movie


Despite almost half the movie having no vampires, From Dusk Till Dawn is still an incredibly entertaining vampire movie. It doesn't hurt that the cast includes George Clooney, Harvey Keitel, Juliette Lewis, Quentin Tarantino, and a bikini-clad Salma Hayek. The movie has equal parts action, suspense, and horror, all of which make for an incredibly fun watch. It's over-the-top entertainment thanks to the great performances and director Robert Rodriguez's incredible eye for action.

Runner-Up: John Carpenter's Vampires

Werewolf Movie


Director John Landis manages to create a werewolf movie that is both scary and funny. The movie is best known for it's werewolf transformation scene. Unlike previous movies, the transformation takes place in clear light for an extended period. Thanks to incredible special effects, the audience practically feel the pain of the transformation as well. It's your traditional werewolf movie, but thanks to good acting and solid direction, An American Werewolf In London is a great watch.

Runner-Up: Ginger Snaps

Monster Movie



The Host is fashioned after the classic Godzilla movies from Japan. The movie has plenty of emotion and lots of social and environmental commentary. The monster itself looks very good thanks to some great special effects work. The characters are all likable and relatable. Thankfully the movie is in it's native Korean and not dubbed. It's a little long, but it's worth it.

Runner-Up: Monster Brawl

Foreign Movie


Frontier(s) came out of nowhere for me. I had never heard of it before and decided to watch it on a whim. It is shockingly violent, but does not rely on gore alone. It's brutal, grim, and gritty, and not for everyone. The sets and natural locations both look very good and transport the viewer to another place, fully enveloping them in horror.

Found Footage Movie



Cloverfield manages to put the audience directly in the path of a gigantic monster. The movie uses Manhattan to it's advantage with scenes on bridges, on the streets, and in subways. You really feel like you're right there with the characters. There's even a decent love story thrown in for good measure. The monster looks great and some great camera work makes Cloverfield more than just another shaky-cam headache-a-thon.

Runner-Up: Quarantine

Favorite Slasher Movie


I have a special love for Satan's Little Helper. It's cheap, simple, and occasionally stupid, but it's still incredibly fun. The mask for “Satan” looks great and I love that we never see the killer's face. Technically, we're not even sure of the killer's true identity. The ending manages to be both scary and depressing, a high accomplishment for a lesser-known movie. While it might not make it on many (or any) lists, I enjoyed it immensely and have given it multiple views.

Runner-Up: Halloween

Favorite Universal Monster


The classic story is full of horror, romance, and romantic horror. Bela Lugosi is the one and only Dracula and everyone else after him is just holding his place until he inevitably rises from the grave once more. The movie is over 80 years old and hasn't lost anything to time or changing trends. The movie is drenched in shadow giving it an unshakable creepiness that stands to this day.

Runner-Up: Frankenstein

Favorite Horror Comedy


It's Mel Brooks and Leslie Nielsen. What more could you want? The movie stays pretty true to the Dracula story, but still manages to cram in loads of laughs. While it may not be Brooks' best movie, it's still far better than any sort of “spoof” movie that has come out in the past twenty years. Comedy doesn't always work in horror, but Mel Brooks manages to do the impossible.

Runner-Up: Suck

Favorite Satanic Movie


I don't know why, but something about this movie legitimately scared me the first time I watched it. The slow descent of the outside world, the race against time, and the supernatural elements all work together to create something awkward and unsettling. We only see the arm of the Prince of Darkness and it still manages to be frightening. An unsung gem by John Carpenter.

Runner-Up: The Omen

Favorite Stephen King Movie


Misery is scary because it is very real. There's no supernatural elements, no aliens, no magic powers. Just a man trapped in a room with a psychopath. The real praise goes to James Caan and Kathy Bates who put in award-winning caliber performances. Director Rob Reiner does a great job giving us both thrills and chills. Misery proves that you don't need wild stories and fantasy to make good horror. Sometimes a person is the scariest monster.

Runner-Up: The Shining

Favorite Sci-Fi Horror Movie


One of my all-time favorite movies. What can be scarier than an alien creature that can look like anything? An alien creature that can look like hideous twister monsters. Thanks to some great special effects, we see a monster straight out of our nightmares. The movie has plenty of mystery, action, suspense and horror. Kurt Russel is great as well as the rest of the supporting cast. One of John Carpenter's best.

Runner-Up: The Fly

Favorite Horror Anthology


When you combine two great horror minds like Stephen King and George Romero, you know you're in for a good time. Each story in Creepshow is highly enjoyable and could stand on it's own as a full-length. There are great performances from a myriad of talented actors that aren't necessarily synonymous with horror. People like Leslie Nielsen, Ted Danson, Ed Harris, Adrienne Barbeau, Hal Holbrook, and even Stephen King himself make the movie that much more enjoyable. The stories are all different and avoid falling into the usual horror cliches. Highly recommended.

Runner-Up: Trick R Treat

Favorite Masters Of Horror


This was the one Masters of Horror episode that actually gave me the chills. I actually regret reviewing it so early because I feel like I probably missed some things. I really like everything about this movie; from the concept, to the acting, to the execution. Everything about it is as good as it is terrifying. The idea of a haunted video isn't new (The Ring anyone?), but once we actually see clips of said-haunted movie, everything becomes that much more terrifying. This could easily have been a full-length movie and could have even become a new horror classic.

Runner-Up: Family

Favorite Remake


The Crazies took a decent, if somewhat forgettable, George Romero horror movie and improved on it in just about every way. It manages to achieve both reasons for remaking a movie: Exposing the audience to something they might not have originally scene and making it better. The movie has lots of great action and some good scares. There are some memorable scenes and some pretty good acting that help the story along. I'm not the biggest fan of remakes, but The Crazies gives me hope for future ones.

Runner-Up: Fright Night

Most Shocking Moment


Wow! This scene completely and utterly shocked me when I saw it. I was literally on the edge of my seat as I saw a woman pulled closer and closer to a piece of broken wood. Movies tend to cut away, leaving the brutal violence to the audience's imagination. Zombi stays with the scene, showing exactly what happens when the human eye meets something sharp. Here is the scene if you are morbidly curious.

Runner-Up: The “hobbling” scene from Misery