Day 359: Rare Exports

Rare Exports

Do not feed the Santa Claus

Happy Christmas Eve to all those who celebrate the holiday! If you don't, like me, Happy Tuesday Eve! 'Tis the season for gift-giving, face-stuffing, and terrible music. There are plenty of holiday horror movies out there, but Christmas seems to be the go-to holiday for horror. Most Christmas horror movies are slashers, which is a bit disappointing. Why not a vampire Christmas movie with Santa biting naughty children or a psychological horror Christmas movie where Santa plays mind games with bad kids. Actually, those sound like awesome movies. No one steal them! Trademark! Trademark!There's so many Christmas movies to chose from that I actually went in a different direction for today's review. Something a little colder. Something a little international.

Rare Exports is a Finnish Christmas horror movie written and directed by Jalmari Helander (Rare Exports Inc., Viimeinen Pisara). A man named Riley (Per Christian Ellefsen, Hotel Caesar, Elling) is leading a secretive excavation in the Korvatunturi mountains of the Finnish Laplands. His team drills deep into the mountain and discovers something strange: sawdust. Riley explains that people of the area would bury things in sawdust. He reveals that they are in fact on the largest burial mound in the world. As the crew digs deeper, young Pietari Kontio (Onni Tommila, Last Cowboy Standing, Eetu ja Konna) and his sort-of friend Jusso cut the fence surrounding the mountain and spy on the crew. Pietari thinks that they may have discovered Santa Claus, but Jusso makes fun of him. Pietari lives with his father Rauno (Jorma Tommila, Priest Of Evil, The Cradle), a butcher who is having difficulty raising his son alone. When the annual reindeer flock fail to show up in the village, Rauno, Pietari, Jusso, Jusso's father Piiparinen, and their friend Aimo discover hundreds of reindeer slaughtered right outside the fence surrounding the mountain. They blame Russian wolves for killing the reindeer and Pietari thinks it's his fault for cutting the fence. The men go up to the mountain and discover the crew is completely gone. Pietari is afraid that Santa Claus is now free and will come after him because he has been naughty. The next day, Rauno discovers that something has fallen into his wolf trap outside their home. It is not a wolf, but an old, naked man. With help from Aimo, Rauno brings him into his butcher shop and discovers that the an is an American named Brian Greene. Pietari sees the man and runs away, so Rauno has to give chase while Aimo watches the man. Pietari is picked up by the sheriff who is on his way to Piiparinen's home. A series of strange robberies have been occurring all over town, including heaters, hair driers, ovens, and now Piiparinen's potato sacks. Also, all the town's children are now missing. Back at the butcher shop, Aimo has his ear bitten by the old man. The three men and Pietari take the old man and try to ransom him to Riley. It is revealed that the old man is not alone as hundreds of similarly old, naked men surround them. They are, in fact, Santa's elves, who have kidnapped all the children and are thawing Santa out of his icy tomb. How will Pietari and the men stop Santa from awakening and spreading his reign of terror?

At least the kid likes hockey

Well, I wanted something different and I got something different. The concept of an evil Santa Claus isn't a new one as several countries traditions are steeped in Santa snatching up naughty children. Sounds like a great idea for a horror movie, right? Unfortunately, Rare Exports doesn't really focus on horror enough. There are a few scenes throughout that skirt the edges of horror, but never reach a full scary potential. Instead, we get a little bit of fantasy, action, and adventure. The story is decent, if a little predictable and moves at a quick pace. I was happy that movie is mostly in Finnish, with a little English thrown in. Finnish is such a unique language and was nice to hear rather than having a bad dub on top of it. The cold, snowy mountains of the Finnish Laplands are a beautiful, if bleak, backdrop for the film, truly giving the audience a sense of isolation and hopelessness. One strange thing in the movie that I noticed was that there are no women in the movie. Absolutely none. Why is that? Pietari doesn't have a mother and we're not given any explanation as to what happened. It's briefly touched upon, giving the movie some much needed emotion, but nothing more.

The biggest disappointment of the movie is that we never actually see Santa Claus. What a tease! Instead we get dirty, old naked men running around with pick axes and other weapons. Now, some people may enjoy that, and there's nothing wrong with that, but that's not the type of horror movie I was expecting. I would much rather have had an evil Santa terrorizing people, much like in Sint. Another issue I had with the movie is with the character of Pietari. He goes from the typically annoying kid in a horror movie and does a complete 180 into the hero. The switch comes pretty quickly and without much warning, making it hard to believe. In about 80 minutes, he goes from walking around in his undies and constantly ignoring his father to saving the entire world. At least give us an inkling that he is capable of saving the day. The movie has some humor, keeping things a bit lighter than I would have liked. 

Grandpa got into the box wine again

Rare Exports had a lot of potential, but didn't really live up to the good idea. There are some touches of horror, but nothing particularly thrilling or scary. There is a little bit of action, some adventure, and a bit of humor, all of which actually take away from what could have been a scary movie. I was greatly disappointed that we never actually see Santa in action. Instead, we get his old, naked elves. The movie does showcase the natural beauty of Finland and the uniqueness of the Finish language. If you're looking for a fun Christmas horror movie, I'd say look elsewhere. Rare Exports is probably good for people who don't want to watch Rudolph and Frosty, but still want something with a little holiday spirit. It's a decent movie, sans old naked men, but it's not a particularly good horror movie.

6/10

Day 286: Troll

Troll

Doing it for the "lols" since 1986

When I think of horror movies, certain characters come to mind: Vampires, zombies, werewolves, ghosts. You know, your typical monsters and villains. One creature that never crosses my mind is a troll. Yes, they have their place in old stories and mythology, but they're never the first choice when it comes to horror. Heck, they're not even the tenth choice. I put trolls somewhere between goblins and Ron Paul supporters on the monster scale. Of course, when a movie is made in the 1980's, everything is fair game, like Patrick Swayze playing a bouncer in Roadhouse.

Troll is a 1986 fantasy/horror movie starring Noah Hathaway (The Neverending Story, Battlestar Galactica) as Harry Potter Jr. The Potter family, Harry Sr, Anne, Harry Jr. and Wendy, move into a new apartment in San Francisco. While unpacking, Wendy goes into the basement where she is attacked by a troll. Using a magical ring, the troll traps Wendy and assumes her form. The troll, as Wendy, returns to the apartment and starts acting strangely. She is far more aggressive and stronger than normal, and Harry takes note. Frightened by his sister, Harry befriends an old woman in the apartment named Eunice St. Clair (June Lockhart, Lassie, Lost In Space). Meanwhile, the troll travels from apartment to apartment, transforming each inhabitant (including Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Sonny Bono, and Phil Fondarco) and their room into a part of the magical realm it once came from. Eunice reveals that she is actually a witch and explains to Harry what is occurring. The troll was once a wizard named Torok who tried to overtake the human realm. Defeated, Torok was turned into a troll as punishment and Eunice stood guard waiting for him to try to take over the realm again. She tells Harry that the only way to stop Torok and get his sister back is to plunge a magic staff into the heart of Torok's world, which is now merging with the apartment. Will Harry be able to stop Torok and save his sister before our world is overrun with trolls, fairies, wood nymphs and all sorts of fantasy creatures?

"I watch you while you sleep. Nighty-night."

This movie has a strange cult following, partially due to it's horrendous sequel, Troll 2. I wasn't really sure what to expect considering it's sequel is so notorious. The movie is clearly geared towards kids as the main character is a young boy who teams up with a friendly witch to save his younger sister. The parents are portrayed in that wacky 80's-style sitcom fashion, with the father doing wacky dances and having semi-funny one-liners. Troll routinely shows up in the horror section, so you'd think it would actually be scary, but unless you're under the age of 10, you won't even raise an eyebrow. The trolls and creatures have a nice variety and look good, far better than the ones in, say, Ghoulies. The story feels strangely random, as if it's starting in the middle of a thought. Usually in fantasy movies, we get the back-story first and then lead into current events. Within the first two minutes of the movie, Wendy is attacked by the troll. That leaves so many questions unanswered until the final 1/3 of the movie like “What the hell is that?”, “Where did that come from?”, and “Why in the blue hell is it in the basement of an apartment?”

I didn't know Ron Jeremy was in this movie

This movie desperately wants to be The Neverending Story, but doesn't even come close. Other than having the same that played Atreyu, Troll does not possess the solid and coherent story that TNS has. The other realm that takes over the apartment is just the a plain old forest. There are no mystical lands for Harry to journey to, which kills most of the adventure aspect of the movie. The acting is fine and it was fun to see real actors in such a goofy movie. The special effects are very cartoonish and pretty laughable. There were actually a few legitimately funny moments, like Sonny Bono talking about picking up chicks. What wasn't funny was the fact that Wendy's parents had no problem letting their little girl wander into strangers apartments. What's worse, these people saw nothing wrong with hanging out with an unaccompanied minor. I know it's essentially a movie for kid's, but come on. That's just insane on so many levels. 

"He took it out."

I really have no idea why Troll ends up in the horror section. Nothing is scary, unless you count the fact that people paid money to see it at some point. The creatures in the movie do look good and the variety gives the audience something to look at. The story is weird and not in the good way as it never seems to find it's footing. The acting and directing are fine and it's fun to pick out the legitimate actors in smaller roles. Troll is better suited for little kids than the horror crowd. It's watchable, but just barely. And yes, I still think trolls are terrible movie monsters.

3/10