Rare Exports
Do not feed the Santa Claus
Happy Christmas Eve to all those who
celebrate the holiday! If you don't, like me, Happy Tuesday Eve! 'Tis
the season for gift-giving, face-stuffing, and terrible music. There
are plenty of holiday horror movies out there, but Christmas seems to
be the go-to holiday for horror. Most Christmas horror movies are
slashers, which is a bit disappointing. Why not a vampire Christmas
movie with Santa biting naughty children or a psychological horror
Christmas movie where Santa plays mind games with bad kids. Actually,
those sound like awesome movies. No one steal them! Trademark!
Trademark!There's so many Christmas movies to chose from that I
actually went in a different direction for today's review. Something
a little colder. Something a little international.
Rare Exports is a Finnish Christmas
horror movie written and directed by Jalmari Helander (Rare Exports
Inc., Viimeinen Pisara). A man named Riley (Per Christian Ellefsen,
Hotel Caesar, Elling) is leading a secretive excavation in the
Korvatunturi mountains of the Finnish Laplands. His team drills deep
into the mountain and discovers something strange: sawdust. Riley
explains that people of the area would bury things in sawdust. He
reveals that they are in fact on the largest burial mound in the
world. As the crew digs deeper, young Pietari Kontio (Onni Tommila,
Last Cowboy Standing, Eetu ja Konna) and his sort-of friend Jusso cut
the fence surrounding the mountain and spy on the crew. Pietari
thinks that they may have discovered Santa Claus, but Jusso makes fun
of him. Pietari lives with his father Rauno (Jorma Tommila, Priest Of
Evil, The Cradle), a butcher who is having difficulty raising his son
alone. When the annual reindeer flock fail to show up in the village,
Rauno, Pietari, Jusso, Jusso's father Piiparinen, and their friend
Aimo discover hundreds of reindeer slaughtered right outside the
fence surrounding the mountain. They blame Russian wolves for killing
the reindeer and Pietari thinks it's his fault for cutting the fence.
The men go up to the mountain and discover the crew is completely
gone. Pietari is afraid that Santa Claus is now free and will come
after him because he has been naughty. The next day, Rauno discovers
that something has fallen into his wolf trap outside their home. It
is not a wolf, but an old, naked man. With help from Aimo, Rauno
brings him into his butcher shop and discovers that the an is an
American named Brian Greene. Pietari sees the man and runs away, so
Rauno has to give chase while Aimo watches the man. Pietari is picked
up by the sheriff who is on his way to Piiparinen's home. A series of
strange robberies have been occurring all over town, including
heaters, hair driers, ovens, and now Piiparinen's potato sacks. Also,
all the town's children are now missing. Back at the butcher shop,
Aimo has his ear bitten by the old man. The three men and Pietari
take the old man and try to ransom him to Riley. It is revealed that
the old man is not alone as hundreds of similarly old, naked men
surround them. They are, in fact, Santa's elves, who have kidnapped
all the children and are thawing Santa out of his icy tomb. How will
Pietari and the men stop Santa from awakening and spreading his reign
of terror?
At least the kid likes hockey
Well, I wanted something different and
I got something different. The concept of an evil Santa Claus isn't a
new one as several countries traditions are steeped in Santa
snatching up naughty children. Sounds like a great idea for a horror
movie, right? Unfortunately, Rare Exports doesn't really focus on
horror enough. There are a few scenes throughout that skirt the edges
of horror, but never reach a full scary potential. Instead, we get a
little bit of fantasy, action, and adventure. The story is decent, if
a little predictable and moves at a quick pace. I was happy that
movie is mostly in Finnish, with a little English thrown in. Finnish
is such a unique language and was nice to hear rather than having a
bad dub on top of it. The cold, snowy mountains of the Finnish
Laplands are a beautiful, if bleak, backdrop for the film, truly
giving the audience a sense of isolation and hopelessness. One
strange thing in the movie that I noticed was that there are no women
in the movie. Absolutely none. Why is that? Pietari doesn't have a
mother and we're not given any explanation as to what happened. It's
briefly touched upon, giving the movie some much needed emotion, but
nothing more.
The biggest disappointment of the movie
is that we never actually see Santa Claus. What a tease! Instead we
get dirty, old naked men running around with pick axes and other
weapons. Now, some people may enjoy that, and there's nothing wrong
with that, but that's not the type of horror movie I was expecting. I
would much rather have had an evil Santa terrorizing people, much
like in Sint. Another issue I had with the movie is with the
character of Pietari. He goes from the typically annoying kid in a
horror movie and does a complete 180 into the hero. The switch comes
pretty quickly and without much warning, making it hard to believe.
In about 80 minutes, he goes from walking around in his undies and
constantly ignoring his father to saving the entire world. At least
give us an inkling that he is capable of saving the day. The movie
has some humor, keeping things a bit lighter than I would have liked.
Grandpa got into the box wine again
Rare Exports had a lot of potential,
but didn't really live up to the good idea. There are some touches of
horror, but nothing particularly thrilling or scary. There is a
little bit of action, some adventure, and a bit of humor, all of
which actually take away from what could have been a scary movie. I
was greatly disappointed that we never actually see Santa in action.
Instead, we get his old, naked elves. The movie does showcase the
natural beauty of Finland and the uniqueness of the Finish language.
If you're looking for a fun Christmas horror movie, I'd say look
elsewhere. Rare Exports is probably good for people who don't want to
watch Rudolph and Frosty, but still want something with a little
holiday spirit. It's a decent movie, sans old naked men, but it's not
a particularly good horror movie.
6/10
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