Day 75: Nite Tales

Nite Tales

Nooooooo booooy!

I like movie anthologies. You get a few different stories all rolled into one. If you don't like the first movie, you can just skip over it and watch the rest. Sometimes you're lucky and get to enjoy a few good stories. Of course, you do run the risk of sitting through multiple movies that weren't good enough to be made into feature length films. And on that rare occasion, you have to sit through Flavor Flav prattling on about nothing. Welcome to Karma and Storm, two horror stories in Nite Tales.

Karma

Karma tells the story of 4 criminals that rob a small-town bank. One of the criminals is shot by a security guard and they high-tail it out of town. Out in the country, their car breaks down. The ringleader orders one of the thugs to kill the wounded criminal. They then travel to a house down the road in hopes that they can steal a truck. With no way to get inside the truck, they approach the house in hopes of finding car keys. They are let in by a strange old country man, who shares the house with his silent wife and mentally-handicapped brother. Each of the three criminals explore the house in search of keys, only to be knocked out by an unseen force. They awaken to find themselves being chained-up and tortured. The old man informs them that they do not like thieves and plan to eat plan to eat the thugs. He offers them a deal that will allow when of them to go free. Will they be able to decide or will they all become dinner?

Sorry, can't stay for dessert

Karma is a very basic story, one that I feel I've heard many times. The plot of black criminals terrorizing white people and then white people eating African-Americans in revenge makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. And why do they have to be criminals? If they were just 4 guys riding down a country road, the story would have been essentially the same. I couldn't understand exactly what the story tellers were going for. We're told these guys are killers and thieves, but their tortuous punishment makes us feel sympathetic. The acting is fine, although for whatever reason, this version was edited, so all the curse words were silenced. There were times where I could not even hear entire conversations because of all the silencing. There is a good effect on screen right before each person is knocked out, something I really haven't seen in too many movies, so that was a creative touch. Beyond that, Karma isn't anything special.

2.5/10

Storm

Storm is about 5 friends playing Bloody Mary on a stormy night. The ritual is interrupted by a knock at the door. They are shocked to see a clown standing outside. James the Clown (Tony Todd, Candyman, Final Destination) claims his car broke down and he just needs to use the phone. The kids are terrified because the clown is so odd and creepy and are relieved when a policeman shows up. Things are not what they seem and one by one, the young friends are brutally murdered. A game of whodunit begins, with each person being a suspect. Is this cop really a cop? Is The Clown actually an undercover police officer? Is Bloody Mary real and slitting people's throats?

Corpsey the Clown

Storm is a very confused and convoluted story full of plot holes. It's hard enough just looking past the fact that the “teenagers” look like they're in their late 20s. Then you throw in a story about a cop who's not really a cop and a clown that's really a cop with a side story of Bloody Mary. And if James is really a police officer, why was he acting so creepy to being with? Why bother having Bloody Mary at all when it's just pushed to the fringes of the story? And then why try to tie it to the first movie? It makes no sense. NO SENSE! Also, there was one scene where faucets are turning on by themselves. I could clearly see string pulling the lever. Helpful reminder, don't use black string. Tony Todd is awesome as the clown, but unfortunately even he couldn't save the muddled mess.

2/10

When I watched Nite Tales, I was hoping for something like Tales From The Hood; fun urban horror stories. I thought Flav might be funny as hyper Crypt Keeper-like MC, but he just rambles on about nothing. It's like they forgot to write him lines and just had him huff out of a mysterious paper bag before shoving him out in front of the camera.Unfortunately, I got a confused jumble of half-baked ideas with poor follow through. Throw in an unnecessary intro and outro by the ever-annoying Flavor Flav, and you've got yourself a disappointing movie.

4.5/10

Day 74: Dolls

Dolls

I'm sticking with G.I. Joes

I remember seeing a box for Dolls in my local video store. That first sentence probably doesn't make sense to anyone under 18. Well, back in the old day, people use to drive to a store that allowed them to rent videos and video games in exchange for money. Movies came on video cassettes and were played in a VCR (or Betamax if you were one of the 10 people to own one) This was before laptops and Netflix, and torrents. Now that I'm done with the old man talk, I remember seeing this movie in the store. It didn't particularly scare me, but it managed to stick with me all these years. It was finally time to watch Dolls.

Directed by Stuart Gordon (Re-Animator, The Pit and the Pendulum), Dolls takes place at an eerie English manor. Young Judy is on vacation with her jerk of a father, David, and nasty stepmother, Rosemary. Their car gets stuck in the mud when a freak thunderstorm occurs and they are forced to take refuge in the old mansion. The mansion is inhabited by an kindly if not strange old couple named Gabriel (Guy Rolfe, Puppetmaster series, Ivanhoe) and Hilary. To Judy's delight, Gabriel explains that he is a doll maker and the house is filled with dolls. Gabriel gives Judy her own doll, named Punch. They are soon joined by friendly Ralph (Stephen Lee, War Games, Quantum Leap) and British punk rockers Isabel and Enid. Ralph is very nice to Judy, far nicer than her parents. Meanwhile, Isabel decides to rob the house of it's antiques and goes off on her own. While she's ransacking the house, she is viciously attacked by the now-animated dolls in the house. Judy sees Isabel being dragged off and tells Ralph. He believes her, but her parents and Enid do not. Soon Enid and Rosemary are both murdered by the dolls. David thinks Ralph is the cause of the murders and tries to kill him. Will Ralph and Judy be able to survive her father and the killer dolls?

I'm cheering for the dolls in this one

With a name like Dolls, you have a pretty good idea of what is going to happen in the movie. It's no secret that dolls are going to come to life and start killing people. It certainly brings to mind other killer doll movies, such as Child's Play, Puppetmaster, and Demonic Toys. The real challenge is to make it an entertaining movie and for the most part, the movie succeeds. Dolls has a fairly good fear factor especially the creepy animated faces of the dolls. The slight grins and moving eyes can make you shudder in their sheer evilness. There is a decent amount of blood and some creative violence. There is some humor to lighten to the mood, but it's not particularly funny. References to Punch and Judy are particularly maddening to me. A movie from 1987 referencing a puppet show with roots tracing back in 1662. 1662! It's even more dated in 2012. That's like a LOLCats reference in a movie made in 2317.

The acting is good for the most part. Guy Rolfe is particularly great and the doll maker, combining an uneasy creepiness with a grandfatherly kindness. Stephen Lee is pretty is pretty lovable in his role as the child-at-heart Ralph. He wins the audience over with his innocence and attention towards Judy. Unfortunately, Dolls does suffer from the curse of the annoying child in horror movies. Judy is supposed to be a sympathetic character because of her awful parents, but she's just too annoying. Most of blame should go to the writers and not the young actress. Horror movies need to learn that not every kid is stupid and not every kid is annoying. 

But references to Madonna are

Dolls may not be on most horror movies lists, but it certainly has some good horror moments. It has a scary atmosphere and enough violence to keep the audience entertained. The story is basic, which can either be a blessing or curse, depending on the viewer. The acting is good, though some characters are overly annoying. The humor can be forced and painful at times. While it's not a must-see movie, it's still worth your time if you're in need of watching something different.

7/10

Day 73: Doghouse

Doghouse

Maybe "Bro Movie" was the original title

Mancaves. Bromance. Mancession. All of these stupid made-up words and concepts annoy me. I mostly see it as insecure men grasping at straws in a vain attempt to reclaim some sort of relevance they once thought they had. It's also a scam to get men to buy expensive grills and put flat screen tvs in their garage. But hey, that's just me. If a horror movie is deeply entrenched in misogyny, much like those ideas, can the movie still be entertaining?

Doghouse tells the story of seven friends, all having trouble in their respective relationships, going on a weekend trip to the small English town of Moodley. Vince (Stephen Graham, Snatch, Boardwalk Empire) is going through a difficult divorce and has become a shell of the man he used to be. Joined by womanizer Neil, nerdy Matt, homosexual Graham, Patrick, and Mikey, they arrive in the town of Moodley to discover the town appears to be abandoned. Their perpetually late friend Banksy is, of course, running late. When they finally see a woman walking down the street, she is attacked by a man in military uniform. The rescue her only to have her stab Neil. They are able to knock her out and see that she is some sort of zombie. Various infected women come out and try to kill the men in various ways. It is revealed that a biological weapon has been released in the town through washing powder and only women are affected. The soldier reveals that he has a secret weapon, a sonic device that can emit a high-pitched sound only women can hear. Unfortunately, it doesn't work and he is soon killed by Mikey's zombified grandmother. Will these men be able to survive this onslaught of bloodthirsty women and be able to survive their midlife crises?

Well, there are more terrible ways to go than this

As if you couldn't tell, Doghouse is very much written by a man for men. Having women in general as your main horror villains comes off as something a pre-teen boy would come up with. I mean, I can laugh at something ridiculous like the Man Show, but this movie felt like it went a bit overboard. When Vince has his big revelation towards the end of this man-centric adventure, you'd think it would be something about acceptance and understanding of women, but no, it's even more misogynistic than before. It's like if at the end of Train Spotting, the characters decide that heroin IS the answer and dive nose-first into a kiddie pool filled with H.

All that being said, it does answer the question of “can it be entertaining?” The answer is “kind of.” The comedy is decent, but it doesn't possess a lot of laugh out loud moments like, say, Shaun of the Dead. Maybe it's because both are horror comedies and both are British, but Doghouse definitely had a strong feeling of being Shaun of the Dead-lite. The comedy just wasn't as good and even the horror parts weren't as scary. Doghouse has far more blood, gore, and creative killing, but its so goofy that you're never actually scared. The acting is good all around and the makeup on the monsters is very well done. 

Just your average day at Super Cuts

Doghouse does have it's entertaining moments both as a comedy and a horror movie. A decent, if not simple, story is complimented by good acting and lots of blood and guts. All that being said, it's still very hard to get around all the woman-bashing. Was the writer treated so horribly by a woman that he needed to pen a full-length movie to bash the entire gender? It's really up to the audience to decide if they can look past all of that and enjoy the movie. If you can do that, Doghouse has it's moments, but you'll still feel very dirty.

6.5/10

Day 72: The Legend of Sorrow Creek

The Legend of Sorrow Creek

The legend is that it sucks

Movie packs are a blessing and a curse. A movie pack are those dvds you see at places like Best Buy and Target that has about 4-8 movies placed in one package. These are usually movies that can't be sold on their own because they either won't make enough money or because they're completely terrible and no one would spend a dime on them. These packs usually throw in one or two movies that you would actually be interested in seeing and fill the rest with movies you've never even heard of. Welcome to The Legend of Sorrow Creek.

The movie starts off with a woman sometime in the 1800's becoming possessed by some unknown force and taking her own life. We cut to modern times with a sheriff and researcher walking through the Connecticut woods talking about the legend of Sorrow Creek. The legend goes that the woman we previously saw had actually been brutally murdered by her husband who had then set their house ablaze and disappeared into the woods. Sorrow Creek suffered many suicides and murders, leading the town to be abandoned. When workers tried to salvage building materials, 3 disappeared and one was found dead with horrible scratches on his back. We then cut to previous events before the sheriff and researcher (I think) where Kayla, Jesse, Dean, and Tobe are fishing in the same woods. Strange things begin to happen at their cabin in the woods. Strange sounds and then a lack of any sound, phones working when they're supposed to be disconnected, and sightings of unknown people. Jesse gets horrible scratches on her back, she becomes possessed and brutally murders Tobe before killing herself. Kayla and Jesse are terrorized by their mysterious foes. Will they be able to survive the night and escape Sorrow Creek? 

Frat-bro Creek

Within the first 10 seconds, you already know that this movie is dirt cheap. The quality of the film is a big tip-off. When characters yell or scream, the sound gets distorted because the microphones can't handle the loud noises. Not that you're missing anything particularly important. The backstory of Sorrow Creek, with people committing suicide, the village being abandoned, and supernatural occurrences like no noise in the forest are all part of the history of a real small town in Connecticut called Dudleytown. Since the movie takes place in Connecticut, they had to have taken part of that story and thrown together this movie. It's actually nice to know a legend and see it made into a movie. Unfortunately, the rest of the story feels like a rehash of better horror movies like Halloween, The Strangers, Cabin Fever, and The Others. We've seen the trapped in the woods, surrounded by killers movie before, this one just happens to take place in a ghost town with an unfortunate name. Just like Darkness Falls and Silent Hill, the people of Sorrow Creek should have named it something nice like Fluffy Bunny Brook or Candy Land. I'd rather listen to Live's “The Dam At Otter Creek.”

The Legend of Sorrow Creek clocks in at under 80 minutes and I should feel lucky. The acting isn't particularly bad, but it's certainly not good. I know these actors are amateurs, so I feel bad for ripping on them too much. It's the writer's and director's fault for not having enough action and relying on them to carry the movie. That's not to say there isn't any action, there's just more focus put on emotion. The movie at least tries to be scary, unlike other so-called horror movies, and does a good job of holding the audience's attention.

 Is this terrible movie over yet?

While by no means good, The Legend of Sorrow Creek has it's moments. If they had a bigger budget, it might not actually be that bad. Unfortunately, that's not the case, so we have to suffer through mediocre acting, cheap filming equipment, and a story that takes bits and pieces from other movies. If you get the chance, read-up on the true legend of Dudleytown. It's far more enjoyable than the Legend of Sorrow Creek.

2.5/10

Day 71: Tales From The Crypt: Ritual

Tales From The Crypt: Ritual

Dreaming in red

I was absolutely terrified of Tales From The Crypt when I was younger. Not because of the stories, but because of the Crypt Keeper. That puppet was really scary with his corpsey look and high-pitched squeals of delight. Now that I'm older, I can appreciate the sick humor of the Crypt Keeper, much in the same way that I can now laugh at Freddy Krueger. While it made it's name with the comic book and television show, TFTC also made 3 full-length movies. Time to dive into one I've never even heard of, Ritual.

Ritual follows Dr. Alice Dodgson (Jennifer Grey, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Dirty Dancing). Her medical license has been revoked after the accidental death of a young patient. Alice is haunted by her death and travels to Jamaica to be a personal physician for a very wealthy patient, Wesley Claybourne (Daniel Lapaine). Wesley's brother, Paul, informs Alice that Wesley believes he is a zombie, under the control of an Obeah (Jamaican version of Voodoo) curse. Alice soon realizes that Obeah is very real and begins to suffer from horrific hallucinations. She is aided in her research by Dr. Hope (Tim Curry, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Clue) and Caro (Kristen Wilson, Dr. Doolittle, Bulletproof). Under Alice's care, Wesley begins to show improvement. Caro also suffers from hallucinations and Dr. Hope is mysteriously murdered. Not is all as it seems and it's up to Alice to help Wesley. Who can she trust and how can she find a cure?

You got a little something...ehh, never mind

The movie says Tales From The Crypt, but there is absolutely no reference to the show or comic book. How can you have a TFTC movie and not have the Crypt Keeper? According to some research, because the previous movie, Bordello of Blood, did poorly at the box office, they removed references to TFTC. I was expecting something fun in the demented sense. I guess my version didn't include any of the references. Instead I got a boring voodoo-flavored movie that is more mystery than horror. The only horror that exists come in people's dreams and hallucinations. You figure out pretty quickly that that is the case, taking away any fear or excitement because you know it's not real. While there are some differences, the movie strongly reminds me of The Serpent and the Rainbow; White doctor goes to an island, thinks voodoo is fake, learns voodoo is very real, the police is corrupt, save the day.

Jennifer Grey does a decent job in her role, but unfortunately the movie is so low-budget, they couldn't give her a bra for multiple scenes. Kristen Wilson is quite good as the native Caro. Tim Curry is his usual eccentric self, but has a pretty minor role. Daniel Lapaine comes off as a bit doofy and it makes it hard for the audience to cheer for him. Ritual is one of those movies where you ask yourself, “Why don't the just move away?” The Serpent and the Rainbow answered that question when the main character made it back to the US, but was still attacked. I don't think that's the case in this movie, mostly because that would involve a creative, well-written story. Most of the movie is fairly boring with a few flourishes of psychological fear. That's certainly not enough to keep you entertained for a movie that is almost an hour and forty-five minutes long.

Hi! I'm in a better version you didn't watch! EEEEHEHEHEHE!

Ritual is a disappointment on multiple levels. There is no Crypt Keeper or any real reference to Tales From The Crypt. The story, supposedly based on I Walked With A Zombie, is boring and uninspired. The is little horror involved and the horror that does exist quickly becomes predictable. The acting is decent and the direction is fine, but it can't overcome a boring story. Save yourself the trouble and avoid Ritual.

3/10

Day 70: Masters of Horror: Pelts

Masters of Horror: Pelts

Fur is murder

It's Saturday, so that means another creature feature. This one is a little different than your typical SyFy channel animal movie. I decided to look outside the box and what better way to do that than with a Dario Argento movie. I have to confess I have not seen any of Argento's work. I think a big reason is that his work either came out before I was of viewing age, most hasn't been in American theaters, and they are almost never shown on television. Thankfully, he has done some work for the Masters of Horror series, bringing his demented visions to a wider American audience.

Pelts, based on the short story by F. Paul Wilson, stars Meat Loaf (Fight Club, Celebrity Apprentice) as boorish fur trader/manufacturer Jake Feldman. His main suppler of fur is trapper Jameson and his son. They go onto the land of the mysterious Mother Maters and find their traps full of racoons among the bizarre ruins. They brutally kill the animals and skin them. Jake meanwhile is at a strip club to see his favorite dancer, Shanna. Jake tries to force himself on her and is physically rejected. Jameson contacts Jake and tells him that the pelts are the most beautiful fur he's ever seen. Some unseen force comes over Jameson's son and he viciously bashes his father's head in with a baseball bat before placing his head in an animal trap. Jake arrives at Jameson's, takes the pelts and anonymously informs the police. Jake has his workers fashion a beautiful coat out of the pelts to be shown at a fur expo. The people working on the coat soon commit suicide in particularly horrific fashion, one using a scissor to cut himself open and a seamstress sewing her eyes, nose, and mouth shut. Jake heads to Mother Maters land to talk about the racoons in hopes that she would give him more for another coat. Maters explains that the racoons, or pinelights as she calls them, guard the ruins on her land and she in turn guards the pinelights. Jake brings the coat to Shanna so she can be his model. Will the same gruesome fate fall on Jake and Shanna?

Oh yeah, I see the problem. You have no face.

God damn is this movie violent! If you are squeamish when it comes to guts and blood, you may want to shut your eyes because there is a lot of it. While some movies show a bit and cut away, Pelts actually goes for the squishy closeups. The makeup and prosthetic artists deserve a lot of praise because everything looks very good. There is also a lot of nudity, so if you watch movies with a young horror fan, you may just want to skip this one for a while. Also, there's a sex scene involving Meat Loaf that may traumatize people more than the violence. While the violence may shock, it's the music that brings out the fear. A creepy “lala” style song plays when the characters look at the fur and right before the killing starts.

Meat Loaf puts on a good performance as the disgusting Jake Feldman, though the need to make him Jewish, or at least sound Jewish, is unnecessary. Maybe it was unintentional. The story itself is basic, but entertaining nonetheless. Dario's directing is spot-on, with good shots and no scenes wasted. The insane love of the pelts brings to mind scenes from The Lord of the Rings triology where characters fall in love with the one ring. If people killing themselves in bloody fashion for a supernatural sounds familiar, that's because M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening essentially used the same idea two years later.

I'll never eat at Olive Garden again!

Pelts is an entertaining, if not disturbing, watch. You'll find yourself simultaneously cringing, laughing, and shouting curse words at all the action. The final scene in particular will bring out all these emotions. Meat Loaf and the supporting cast all do a fine job and the effects are solid. The story is simple and fun, but definitely not appropriate for a younger audience. If you're like me and really hate animal cruelty, it may bother you some, but if you see it as a revenge movie, it can take away some of the uncomfortableness. This is a very good introduction for people like myself unfamiliar with Dario Argento's work. Definitely check it out.

9/10

Day 69: Bloodrayne

Bloodrayne

Shitstorm

I knew what I was getting into when I decided to watch Bloodrayne. All the warning signs were there; video game movie, horrible reviews, Uwe freaking Boll directing. But like a person in a horror movie sticking their head out the door to see if the cost was clear, I knew it wasn't going to end well. I've seen plenty of bad video game movies, but usually I have some idea of what the video game was about. I've never played Bloodrayne, so I'd watch with no preconceptions of the characters or story. That way I'd have no idea how bad the movie actually was in comparison.

Bloodrayne follows the story of Rayne, (Kristianna Loken, Terminator 3) a half-human, half-vampire hybrid called a Dhamfir. Rayne breaks free from her captures at a traveling freakshow and discovers her vampiric hunger and powers, though she is susceptible to water and immune to crucifixes. Rayne is the daughter of Kagan, (Ben Kingsley, Ghandi, Schindler's List) the most powerful vampire in the world. Rayne plans to kill Kagan for murdering her mother and seeks out a mystical eye that grants her powers and gains the attention of Kagan. The eye belonged to a vampire named Belial that had found a way to overcome vampire weaknesses. Two other body parts are scattered throughout the land and Kagan wants them. Kagan sends his soldiers to kill Rayne, but she escapes. Rayne meets up with Sebastian (Matthew Davis, Below), Vladimir (Michael Madsen, Kill Bill, Reservoir Dogs) and Katarin (Michelle Rodriguez, Resident Evil, Machete), all members of the vampire-hunting group, The Brimstone Society. Sebastian trains Rayne to fight and they fall in love. Will they be able to find the body parts and kill Kagan?

And will they be able to find her a decent costume?

There are so many things wrong with this movie that I almost don't know where to start. I have no idea if the story or characters are close to the video game, so we can just skip that. The story is simplistic and horrendously convoluted. It bounces around without explanation and let's the audience figure it out for themselves. Why does water hurt Rayne? Why was she part of a freakshow and why couldn't she escape? Why didn't Kagan find these body parts earlier? Bloodrayne actually has a pretty big cast of real actors and it's shocking how bad they all are. The acting is just as painful. Kristianna Loken is very pretty, but is just not convincing. Michael Madsen delivers his lines with all the passion of a turnip and his wig would make Tom Hanks' hair in The Da Vinci Code scream in terror. Michelle Rodriguez tries to speak with an accent, but no one else does, so why bother? Ben Kingsley, who won a freaking Oscar, looks like he knows he's in a terrible movie and wants to be anywhere else but there. Billy Zane has a bit of the charm he had in Demon Knight. Even Meatloaf makes an appearance as a sweaty pervert vampire. These are all real actors (well, Loken, hasn't been in much). How did they all manage to range from mediocre to god-awful?

There is a decent amount of action throughout with tons of blood and gore. Can you say “blood fountain”? How about “stabbed in the face with a sword”? That's not to say the action scenes are good. While the ultra-violence is a fun distraction, sword fighting in movies takes weeks of practice. There are some scenes where you can see the actors slow down their swings to make sure the swords hit. The direction is bad, but what else would you expect from Uwe Boll?

I get paid to make terrible movies!

The ultimate goal of a video game movie is to sell the product. After watching Bloodrayne, I don't even want to play other video games. I'd rather see “Pong: The Movie” than sit through this again. It has a confusingly bad story, terrible acting, and Uwe Boll directiong. Bloodrayne is like a terrible movie turducken. Sometimes it's fun to watch a bad horror movie. Not this time. Avoid Bloodrayne like vampires avoid the sunlight.

2/10