Day 333: Halloween 3: Season Of The Witch

Halloween 3: Season Of The Witch

I don't remember Halloween being so red

The Halloween movie franchise is Michael Myers. Just like Jason in Friday The 13^th and Freddy Kruger in A Nightmare On Elm Street, it's hard to conceive of a Halloween movie without the blank-faced killer. It actually happened, though, believe it or not. The Halloween movie series was planned to produce a different horror story every year under the Halloween name. Michael Myers was never really supposed to be the face of the franchise. The idea wasn't a terrible one in theory as it would keep the franchise from being boring and predictable. It only happened once though. Could the non-Michael Myers Halloween be that bad as to completely throw out the original plan and go back to the slasher well?

Halloween 3 is a science-fiction horror movie starring Tom Atkins (Maniac Cop, Night Of The Creeps) as Dr. Dan Challis. On October 23^rd, store owner Harry Grimbridge (Al Berry, Re-Animator, The Last Starfighter) is chased down and attacked by mysterious men in suits. He collapses at a gas station , is taken to a hospital, and placed in the care of Dr. Dan Challis. Dan notices that Harry is clutching a jack-o'-lantern mask from the Silver Shamrock toy company. Commercials for the masks have been playing nonstop, advertising some sort of raffle on Halloween night for anyone who purchases a mask. Even Dan's children have the masks. Another man in a suit finds Grimbridge in the hospital and kills him before blowing himself up in the hospital parking lot. Bothered by the incident, Dan begins to investigate the incident with Grimbridge's daughter Ellie (Stacey Nelkin, Bullets Over Broadway, The Twilight Zone). They travel to the small town of Santa Mira, home of the Silver Shamrock company. The town is practically abandoned other than the factory and it's workers. One night in their motel, a saleswoman for Silver Shamrock notices a small chip that falls off a mask. The chip shoots a laser into her face, burning her horribly and releasing bugs from her mouth. Dan and Ellie, who slept together the night before, receive a tour of the factory from the owner, Conal Cochran (Dan O'Herlihy, Robocop, Adventures Of Robinson Crusoe). Dan sees the men in suits near the factory and also notices Cochran's secretive “finishing” process for the masks. What does Conal Cochran have planned with his killer masks and will Dan be able to stop him in time?

"No, I'm not happy with my long-distance rates!"

Well, this is a pretty huge departure from the first two Halloween movies. And I mean that in more ways than one. Gone is the slasher theme, the large amount of gore and violence, the pacing, the fear, and just about everything that made the first two Halloween movies so good. I understand the desire to separate the third movie and I don't really have a problem with wanting to do something different. I have a problem with a story that is so convoluted it makes my head hurt. It's as if three or four different horror movies were blended together and someone forgot to have things make sense. I thought the movie was going to be something about supernatural masks that kill the wearers, but instead we have a goofy sci-fi plot with some magic thrown in for the hell of it. Cochran's plan is as confusing as it is silly. I still have no idea why the men in suits were needed in the movie, adding a strange and unnecessary subplot.

The first two Halloween movies had a lot of suspense and plenty of fears. Halloween 3 has neither. The middle is incredibly slow and devoid of atmosphere. There isn't much in the way of scares either. The movie is strictly by-the-numbers and, if not for the Halloween name, would probably have been lost to the campy 80's horror dustbin a long time ago. Co-writer John Carpenter manages to get in plenty of social commentary, taking shots at commercialism, consumerism, and marketing. It's good commentary that makes sense, though it comes wrapped in the extremely annoying theme music for Silver Shamrock's commercial. The acting is ok, but nothing special. Tom Atkins plays his usual tough and gruff self, which would have been fine if his character was a police officer or investigator. Instead, he's a doctor, but never really acts like it. The one truly good thing the movie does is the ending. I don't think I've seen a movie where I hated 99% of it, but loved the last 20 seconds. Those last 20 seconds were everything the movie wasn't. It was intense to the point where I was literally leaning forward in anticipation.

This calls for Green Jelly's "Rock And Roll Pumpkin"

Switching things up in Halloween may have been full of good intentions, but it ended up damaging the franchise to the point where they decided to just stick with Michael Myers. Halloween 3 did poorly at the box office and for good reason. The movie is simply not good. The story is all over the place, a hodge-podge of different ideas that don't work. There isn't a lot of action and almost no suspense or fear. The social commentary is good, but heavy at times. The movie isn't a total loss as the masks are cool to look at and the ending is intense. Sometimes it's good to mix things up, keeping a franchise fresh and interesting. Of course, having a good story helps.

3.5/10

Day 331: Wishmaster

Wishmaster

More like Pissmaster

What would you ask for if you were given three wishes? Besides infinity White Castle, I'd have to say I'm still mulling over my choices. Winning Mega Millions would be pretty nice also. But what if those wishes came with a price? The “evil genie” character appears more in literature than in the movies. Why is that? If anything, having a magical being in your movie allows for almost limitless potential. You can have all sorts of creatures and situations, giving you a freedom that many other horror movies would kill for. Of course, maybe the reason why there are more evil genie horror movies is because of Wishmaster.

Wishmaster is a 1997 supernatural horror movie from executive producer Wes Craven. The film stars Tammy Lauren (The Young And The Restless, Home Improvement) as appraiser Alexandra Amberson. In a prologue, we learn of creatures called the Djinn, creatures who lived in the void between worlds. When one wakes a djinn, they are granted three wishes. Once the third wish is granted, the djinn is freed. In 1127 AD Persia, a djinn (Andrew Divoff, Toy Soldiers, Air Force One) grants the wishes of the emperor, twisting his wishes into hideous monstrosities. The emperor's wizard traps the djinn inside a jewel which is then hidden inside a statue. In present day, collector Raymond Beaumont (Robert Englund, A Nightmare On Elm Street, Inkubus) is receiving the statue when a freak accident causes the statue to fall on his assistant (Ted Raimi, Midnight Meat Train, Spider-Man) and shatters. A worker steals the jewel containing the djinn and it ends up being appraised by Alexandra Amberson. She takes the jewel to her friend josh to analyze it and he unwittingly releases the djinn, who kills Josh by granting him a wish to “release his of his pain”. The djinn grows stronger by granting wishes and taking people's souls. Alexandra shares a connection with the djinn and is able to see his murders. He takes the form of a man, calling himself Nathaniel Demerest and continues his reign of terror until he finds Alexandra and forces her to ask for her three wishes. Will Alexandra be able to stop the all-powerful djinn and send him back to the void before he destroys the world?

"Somebody stop me!"

It's important to mention that Wishmaster is directed by Robert Krutzman, an award-winning make-up and effects artists. His work includes Cabin Fever, Vampires, Night Of The Creeps, and Army Of Darkness. That's an impressive group of movies without a doubt. The monsters and creatures in Wishmaster continue Krutzman's run of great makeup and traditional effects. There is a wide variety of creatures that keep the action interesting when the story fails to do so. One thing I found funny was that characters acted shocked when they saw the djinn's true form. Truthfully, he looked like Jim Carey from The Mask with a little more detail. Beyond the make-up, there is a myriad of special effects, some decent and some clearly steeped in mid-90's computerization.

Of course, the problem then lies with Krutzman's directing abilities and the story itself. The story is all over the place while still managing to go absolutely nowhere. The movie has a lot glaring plot holes that are hard to ignore. In the very beginning, we learn that there are more than one djinn. Shouldn't these things be popping up all over the place? And why can't they get someone to ask for three wishes? It shouldn't be that hard. Why did the djinn bother to take human form? It's not like he was having a problem getting people to wish for things before? The acting is absolutely horrendous and downright painful at times. Tammy Lauren is really miscast as she seems out of place in almost every scene. Andrew Divoff is hilariously over-the-top, practically gnawing on the scenery. It's nice to see Craven stalwarts like Robert Englund and Tony Todd in small roles, but if you're going to have them in your movie, give them more than just 2 or 3 scenes. For a horror movie, there is not a lot of atmosphere and almost no subtlety. 

"You love the 90's? No way! Me too!"

When I decided to watch Wishmaster, I was expecting something at least halfway decent. I knew there were a few sequels, so, like Hellraiser and Puppet Master, I figured the original movie would be great. How wrong I was. Other than some good make-up and a few scenes of violence, Wishmaster has very little going for it. The acting really stands out as being particularly horrendous. The story is pretty boring and the ending seems pretty obvious. I think I've decided on another wish; to erase watching Wishmaster from my memory.

2.5/10

Day 172: Masters of Horror: Dance Of The Dead

Masters of Horror: Dance Of The Dead

It's like the Electric Slide, but way worse

There are many reasons why we decide to watch a horror. Sometimes we like the story it's based off of, sometimes it's a certain director or actor involved, sometimes we like the genre. Whatever the reason, when our interest is peaked, we expect a certain level of quality in what we are about to watch. Those expectations may be too low and we are pleasantly surprised at discovering a new movie. There are other times, though, when your expectations are high and you end up crashing into a mountain of awfulness.

Masters of Horror: Dance Of The Dead is based off a story written by Richard Matheson (What Dreams May Come, I Am Legend) and adapted to the screen by his son Richard Christian Matheson. The movie stars Jessica Lowndes (90210, Kyle XY) as Peggy and Robert Englund (A Nightmare on Elm Street, Freddy vs. Jason) as The MC. In 2008, terrorists deployed a biological weapon called “Blizz,” instantly burning anyone caught in it's path. Ten years pass and the United States has fallen into disarray after World War III. Peggy works in her mother's diner and longs to explore the outside world. When she was younger, she saw people burned to death by Blizz while she, her sister, and mother reached safety. A group of bikers/drug addicts come into the diner one day and Peggy becomes infatuated with one named Jak (Jonathan Tucker, The Ruins, Pulse). Jak, along with his sketchy friend, Boxx, have shady dealings with people in the rundown town of Muskeet, including The MC who works at a club called The Doom Room. We even see them steal a person's blood right off the street. Seriously, we see them come up to an old woman on the street, put an IV in her arms, drain some blood, and run away. Jak returns and takes Peggy on a drug-fueled bender on their way to The Doom Room. Jak and Boxx meet backstage with the MC and give him the stolen blood. Afterwards, they all watch the performance on stage, a zombified woman due to Blizz being electrocuted in order to make her lurch and dance. The MC brings on the next “dancer” which turns out to be Peggy's lost sister, Anna. How did she come to be this way and why has Peggy's mother come to Muskeet?

Now working Bar Mitzvahs and funerals

Wow, this was painfully bad. While the story seems slightly interesting, I think something was really lost in translation from word to film. Richard Matheson is no slouch when it comes to writing good stories. I mean, he wrote the absolute classic Twilight Zone episode, “Nightmare At 20,000 Feet.” While this may have been at one point a good story, it isn't a good one now. The story is all over the place in a confusing and nonsensical mess. So some biological weapon named Blizz (Seriously? Blizz? That sounds like something Dairy Queen would sell) burns people who come in contact with it, but you're safe if you're inside? Seems like you'd do more damage with a bomb. Then they just skip ahead and society has totally crumbled, leading to people stealing blood in broad daylight. Really? REALLY?! I can't even figure out what the story is supposed to be? The horrors of nuclear war? The evils in society? Well, it's sure not about zombies, contrary to what they advertise.

There are two saving graces to Dance Of The Dead; Robert Englund and music by Billy Corgan. Robert Englund is his usual wonderful self, speaking with conviction and making every word matter. Corgan's music is somewhat pounding industrial, or more precisely, Hollywood's idea of insustrial. It is fun to listen to and sets a dark tone to the movie. One of the biggest problems for the movie are the characters and the actors portraying them. No one is likable in Dance Of The Dead. Peggy is far too naïve at the beginning, but easily slides into the world of drugs and debauchery as if she's slipping on an old pair of shoes. The love interest, Jak, is supposed to be some sort of sweet badboy that's still a drug using, blood-stealing scumfuck. I'm supposed to like this guy because I'm pretty sure I hate his guts. It doesn't help that the performances are mediocre at best.

Acting the fuck out of this scene

There are very few good things to say about Dance Of The Dead. The story is barely coherent with unlikable characters, weak acting, and predictable and downright stupid ending. There is very little in the way of action and entertainment. It's labeled as a zombie movie, but that just barely passes for truth. Robert Englund is as great as ever and the music by Billy Corgan is pretty good. Perhaps something was lost in the execution of this movie, but I really don't know why they made this into an episode of Masters of Horror. There are far better stories out there deserving of an episode. I was expecting a fun zombie movie starring Robert Englund. Instead, I got a boring story that goes nowhere with a small Robert Englund role. The movie has a lot of drug use and nudity, so it's definitely not for kids. Dance Of The Dead is not scary and it is not entertaining.

2/10

Day 133: Slugs

Slugs

Rejected poster for Pink Floyd's The Wall

Happy Creature Feature Saturday everyone! The movie I watched for today's entry is called Slugs. Yes, really. I have been avoiding it for a while because it just sounds so stupid and implausible. I was going to watch an equally stupid movie starring Carmen Electra and Brooke Hogan, but once I saw that The Asylum was involved, I immediately stopped and went back to Slugs. I can deal with stupid, but I can deal with the criminally insulting movies The Asylum puts out. I've I ever need to kill brain cells and forget important information, I'll watch that one. This movie came out in the 80's, at least I'd get to see some old products and advertisements from my youth.

Slugs is a 1987 horror movie based off a novel of the same name. The small rural town of Ashton is being plagued with gruesome and mysterious deaths. Health inspector Mike Brady (Michael Garfield, The Warriors, Law & Order) looks into the deaths and finds strange connections to local black slugs that are appearing all over town. One of the slugs bears fangs and actually bites him. Mike is able to capture a few of the slugs in a jar and brings them to a scientist for examination. The slugs are carnivorous hermaphroditic mutants that can easily spawn thousands of times. Mike tries to get the local sheriff and the mayor to stop the slugs before they take over the entire town, but in true horror movie cliché fashion, they dismiss him as crazy. It's up to Mike to stop the slugs himself. Will he be able to do it or will him just become another meal for the hungry, hungry mutants.

OMNOMNOMNOM

As with most insect-based horror movies, Slugs is pretty damn simple and stupid. I mean, I wasn't expecting much from a movie with killer mollusc. I was willing to suspend my disbelief enough to accept slugs as carnivorous murder machines, but the story itself is just so dumbed-down and cliched. There's horrible, gruesome murders all over town and no one is at least suspicious that something might be up? I can understand not believing it's killer slugs, but shouldn't they be more concerned that there's some organ-eating psychopath running around town? Like zombie movies, the slugs kill by swarming people and eating them. I'm ok way that, but since they're not exactly fast, why can't people, I dunno, walk briskly past them? It also blew my mind that Mike's solution to kill the slugs was to just blow them up. In the process, he actually blows up a few houses and probably caused more deaths than the slugs. Why not just use a flamethrower or some good old-fashioned poison? Or how about a giant salt shaker?

You can start a Home Depot with the amount of wooden acting in the movie. Some actors are bad and some deserve the “Tommy Lee Jones in Batman Forever” award for over-the-top acting. There are a few scenes throughout the movie where inappropriate stock music is played, such as really happy, jaunty music during scenes of a police car going to the scene of a murder. Didn't anyone notice that it didn't fit? The only saving grace for Slugs is the bloody, gorey violence. There's just enough blood and guts to keep the movie from being a complete loss. One scene in which a man explodes with slugs from inside his body is particularly creative and fun to watch.

"Gasp! This is regular Coke, not Diet!"

When you watch a movie called “Slugs” you shouldn't expect to see a classic. The story is pretty silly, but not in the fun B-movie way. Cliches abound and the acting is painful to watch. The violence is fun and bloody, but there should have been a lot more. If you can find some of the kill scenes on youtube, it's worth checking out. Beyond that, Slugs isn't worth your time.

3/10

Day 75: Nite Tales

Nite Tales

Nooooooo booooy!

I like movie anthologies. You get a few different stories all rolled into one. If you don't like the first movie, you can just skip over it and watch the rest. Sometimes you're lucky and get to enjoy a few good stories. Of course, you do run the risk of sitting through multiple movies that weren't good enough to be made into feature length films. And on that rare occasion, you have to sit through Flavor Flav prattling on about nothing. Welcome to Karma and Storm, two horror stories in Nite Tales.

Karma

Karma tells the story of 4 criminals that rob a small-town bank. One of the criminals is shot by a security guard and they high-tail it out of town. Out in the country, their car breaks down. The ringleader orders one of the thugs to kill the wounded criminal. They then travel to a house down the road in hopes that they can steal a truck. With no way to get inside the truck, they approach the house in hopes of finding car keys. They are let in by a strange old country man, who shares the house with his silent wife and mentally-handicapped brother. Each of the three criminals explore the house in search of keys, only to be knocked out by an unseen force. They awaken to find themselves being chained-up and tortured. The old man informs them that they do not like thieves and plan to eat plan to eat the thugs. He offers them a deal that will allow when of them to go free. Will they be able to decide or will they all become dinner?

Sorry, can't stay for dessert

Karma is a very basic story, one that I feel I've heard many times. The plot of black criminals terrorizing white people and then white people eating African-Americans in revenge makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. And why do they have to be criminals? If they were just 4 guys riding down a country road, the story would have been essentially the same. I couldn't understand exactly what the story tellers were going for. We're told these guys are killers and thieves, but their tortuous punishment makes us feel sympathetic. The acting is fine, although for whatever reason, this version was edited, so all the curse words were silenced. There were times where I could not even hear entire conversations because of all the silencing. There is a good effect on screen right before each person is knocked out, something I really haven't seen in too many movies, so that was a creative touch. Beyond that, Karma isn't anything special.

2.5/10

Storm

Storm is about 5 friends playing Bloody Mary on a stormy night. The ritual is interrupted by a knock at the door. They are shocked to see a clown standing outside. James the Clown (Tony Todd, Candyman, Final Destination) claims his car broke down and he just needs to use the phone. The kids are terrified because the clown is so odd and creepy and are relieved when a policeman shows up. Things are not what they seem and one by one, the young friends are brutally murdered. A game of whodunit begins, with each person being a suspect. Is this cop really a cop? Is The Clown actually an undercover police officer? Is Bloody Mary real and slitting people's throats?

Corpsey the Clown

Storm is a very confused and convoluted story full of plot holes. It's hard enough just looking past the fact that the “teenagers” look like they're in their late 20s. Then you throw in a story about a cop who's not really a cop and a clown that's really a cop with a side story of Bloody Mary. And if James is really a police officer, why was he acting so creepy to being with? Why bother having Bloody Mary at all when it's just pushed to the fringes of the story? And then why try to tie it to the first movie? It makes no sense. NO SENSE! Also, there was one scene where faucets are turning on by themselves. I could clearly see string pulling the lever. Helpful reminder, don't use black string. Tony Todd is awesome as the clown, but unfortunately even he couldn't save the muddled mess.

2/10

When I watched Nite Tales, I was hoping for something like Tales From The Hood; fun urban horror stories. I thought Flav might be funny as hyper Crypt Keeper-like MC, but he just rambles on about nothing. It's like they forgot to write him lines and just had him huff out of a mysterious paper bag before shoving him out in front of the camera.Unfortunately, I got a confused jumble of half-baked ideas with poor follow through. Throw in an unnecessary intro and outro by the ever-annoying Flavor Flav, and you've got yourself a disappointing movie.

4.5/10