Day 253: Piranha 3D

Piranha 3D

Get ready for Sharktopus vs. Piranhazilla

Horror parodies and satires are nothing new. Horror, as a genre, is so over-the-top and ridiculous that jokes need to be made at it's expense. In recent years, thanks to the Scary Movie franchises, even the parodies have become parodies. While they may be good for a chuckle or two, they're mostly just painful exercises in what not to do. Comedy movies can have horror in them and horror movies can have comedy. We've seen it work before, but it seems to be difficult to combine the two into a cohesive, entertaining story. Of course, it doesn't hurt when you throw in lots of nudity and gore.

Piranha 3D is a 2010 horror movie starring Steven R. McQueen (Minutemen, The Vampire Diaries) as Jake Forester. It's spring break at Lake Victoria and the area is full of drunk party goers. A small earthquake splits the lake floor, causing ancient piranhas to be released from a hidden underwater lake. Jake meets Derrick Jones, the creator and owner of Wild, Wild Girls, an amateur adult movie business. Derrick hires Jake to take him to the best spots are the lake. James' mother, Sheriff Julie Forester (Elisabeth Shue, Hollow Man, Adventures In Babysitting) discovers a mutilated body from the lake, but don't close the lake due to fears of the town losing business. She asks Derrick to babysit his younger brother and sister, but ditches them to go out on a boat with Derrick. They are joined by two actresses, Danni and Crystal, as well as Jake's crush, Kelly (Jessica Szohr, Tower Heist, Love Bite). Meanwhile, Julie takes a team of seismologist divers, including Novak (Adam Scott, Veronica Mars, Leap Year) to explore the cavern exposed by the earthquake. The divers are devoured by the piranhas, who begin to invade the entire lake. They take a captured piranha to marine biologist Carl Goodman (Christopher Lloyd, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, Back To The Future) to figure out what it exactly is. Carl discovers that the piranhas are a prehistoric, long-thought extinct piranha that has survived by adopting cannibalism. Eventually, Jake sees his brother and sister stuck on a nearby island and uses the boat to pick them up. They hit some rocks and begin to sink, taking on piranhas in the process. At the same time, more piranhas invade the lake, eating hundreds of drunken college kids. Will Julie be able to save the partiers and will Jake be able to save the people on his boat?

Joker fish

I expected the worst from Piranha 3D, as the commercials and previews made it seem like a big screen attempt at a terribly SyFy channel movie. I was pleasantly surprised to find that the movie actually had a lot more more depth and action than the usual animal attack movies. The two biggest differences between Piranha and typical SyFy movie is the amount of nudity and gore. I'm not sure if I watched an unrated version, but there was more nudity in Piranha that most late-night Cinemax movies. Not that I'm complaining, but there is a copious amount of topless women and a full-nude swimming scene. On top of all that nudity is some of the best gore in a horror movie I've seen in years. There is no shortage of blood, bones, and guts throughout most of the movie. We get the “best” of both worlds with a scene featuring a piranha taking a bite out of computerized penis. Yes, really. Writer/director Alexandre Aja (Mirrors, The Hills Have Eyes) gives the audience what it wants in both regards, giving us just enough of a story to get us into the movie, but never overplaying his hand. There really isn't much to the movie other than nudity and violence, so Citizen Kane, this is not.

The movie has a surprisingly deep cast, including Elisabeth Shue, Ving Rhames, Jerry O'Connell, Christopher Lloyd, and small cameos by Eli Roth and Richard Dreyfuss. Shue is good in her authoritative role and Rhames plays his usual tough guy. Jerry O'Connell is very entertaining and natural as a sleazy porn maker. I swear that's a compliment. The money used to get such a cast probably put a dent in the special effects budget because, to be honest, the piranhas look cartoonish. I guess you're asking a lot from a movie where the main selling points is “breasts in 3D”, but it still would have been nice if the fish looked more realistic. Speaking of 3D, the version I watched was in regular 2D, so it was a little funny watching scenes clearly made for 3D, but seeing no effect. The makeup and prosthetics look good for all the injured swimmers which certainly helps keep the movie from becoming completely ridiculous.

"I've had it up to hear with these piranhas!"

Piranha 3D won't change the way we look at movies and it won't make you afraid to get in the water, but it will entertain you. It's simple, to-the-point, and loaded with violence and nudity. The story is nothing special, but it gets us from A to B. Obviously, this movie is for the younger audience and should probably not be watched during Family Movie Night. The acting is good for what is required, especially given the silly premise. There is a ton of violence and heaps of gore, enough to make any horror fan happy. The special effects are a little silly looking and border on cheap SyFy channel material. It's goofy and ridiculous, but it is self-aware, so it's OK. If you need something to watch with friends or need a light-hearted gore-a-thon, Piranha is a good choice.

7.5/10

Day 137: Masters of Horror: Valerie On The Stairs

Masters of Horror: Valerie On The Stairs

She's a fire hazard

It's been a little while since I've reviewed a Masters of Horror movie. I decided to go with one that was a little out of my wheelhouse in terms of horror. While I prefer zombies and action-centric horror, Valerie On The Stairs seemed pretty far removed from what I usually enjoy. Sometimes it is good to go against your preferences and try new things. You never know when you might find a new band or artist that you'll love. Or you'll find something that reminds you of why you avoid similar things.

Masters of Horror: Valerie On The Stairs is taken from an original screenstory by Cliver Barker (Hellraiser, The Midnight Meat Train), but was officially written by Mick Garris (Hocus Pocus, The Fly II). Rob Hanisey (Tyron Leitso, House Of The Dead, Bloodrayne II), is an unpublished writer down on his luck. He has long overdue bills and is recovering from a nasty breakup. He moves in to the Highberger House, a boarding house for unpublished writers. It's inhabited by a strange cast of characters such as Everett Neely (Christopher Lloyd, Back To The Future, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?), Patricia Dunbar (Suki Kaiser, The Virgin Suicides) and Bruce Sweetland (Jonathon Watton, Breach, Mutant X). Rob begins to see a beautiful young woman on the stairs in the house, begging him for help and warning him that someone is coming. Everyone thinks Rob is crazy except Bruce, who strikes up a friendship with him. Valerie continues to appear to Rob as well as the Beast (Tony Todd, Candyman) a large demon that is holding her prisoner. Rob speaks with Bruce about Valerie and sees that Bruce has a written a story called “Valerie On The Stairs”. Bruce is infuriated and kicks Rob out. Later, Bruce is visited by Valerie and The Beast literally rips out Bruce's spine. Rob discovers that the story was a collaborative effort between Bruce, Patricia, and Everett and their story has someone come to life. The Beast returns and kills Patricia in bloody fashion. Everett explains that writing the story became an addiction for them as it became darker and more violent. He explains that Rob needs to finish the story and put an end to the murders. Will Rob be able to stop The Beast, save Valerie, and finish the story?

Hugs!

I usually have a good grasp what movies are trying to go for in terms of underlying messages and themes. I can safely say that I have no idea what they were going for with Valerie On The Stairs. The story itself is fine with some good moments of bloody violence, interesting twists, and good pacing. I will say, though, that it was probably far scarier in the written word than on the screen. The story, though not entirely original, isn't the problem. The problem is with the underlying themes of love, and writing, and some other stuff that I couldn't figure out. The movie left me with way more questions than answers, and not in the good way. I mean, is this supposed to be a love story or some sort of depressing descent into madness or just writer's block? It doesn't help that the ending was bizarre, convoluted, and annoying. I'm still not sure if any of these events actually occurred or this was some sort of “story within a story” type deal. Either way, it wasn't good and was the puke cherry on this shit sundae.

The acting is pretty good throughout with Christopher Lloyd putting on an over-the-top-in-a-fun-way performance that only he could do. I wish he was in more movies because he is really fun to watch. Tyron Leitso does well in his role and Tony Todd is wonderful as always. It's a shame that their performances were used for a mediocre story. There isn't much action, but for the scenes that have it, they are pretty gorey. The direction is fine, though the flashbacks with Rob and his girlfriend feel slapped together. As I mentioned before, the ending is really weak and infuriating, bringing the rest of the movie down. There is a large-than-normal amount of nudity and sex for a Masters of Horror episode, so this one should probably be kept away from younger viewers. It's not quite Late Night Cinemax action, but it's not far off.

This never would have happened to Marty

Valerie On The Stairs does a lot of things right, but is overshadowed by a mediocre storing and a confused mess of themes and underlying messages. I am still not exactly sure what happens at the end and it puts into question everything else that happens in the movie. The acting is well done and the action is entertaining. It's just unfortunate that they could be put into a better story. I'm not saying you shouldn't watch Valerie On The Stairs, I just think it could have been a lot better. Who knows, maybe someone else “get's it” and will enjoy the story. If you do, please explain it to me.

4/10