Day 253: Piranha 3D

Piranha 3D

Get ready for Sharktopus vs. Piranhazilla

Horror parodies and satires are nothing new. Horror, as a genre, is so over-the-top and ridiculous that jokes need to be made at it's expense. In recent years, thanks to the Scary Movie franchises, even the parodies have become parodies. While they may be good for a chuckle or two, they're mostly just painful exercises in what not to do. Comedy movies can have horror in them and horror movies can have comedy. We've seen it work before, but it seems to be difficult to combine the two into a cohesive, entertaining story. Of course, it doesn't hurt when you throw in lots of nudity and gore.

Piranha 3D is a 2010 horror movie starring Steven R. McQueen (Minutemen, The Vampire Diaries) as Jake Forester. It's spring break at Lake Victoria and the area is full of drunk party goers. A small earthquake splits the lake floor, causing ancient piranhas to be released from a hidden underwater lake. Jake meets Derrick Jones, the creator and owner of Wild, Wild Girls, an amateur adult movie business. Derrick hires Jake to take him to the best spots are the lake. James' mother, Sheriff Julie Forester (Elisabeth Shue, Hollow Man, Adventures In Babysitting) discovers a mutilated body from the lake, but don't close the lake due to fears of the town losing business. She asks Derrick to babysit his younger brother and sister, but ditches them to go out on a boat with Derrick. They are joined by two actresses, Danni and Crystal, as well as Jake's crush, Kelly (Jessica Szohr, Tower Heist, Love Bite). Meanwhile, Julie takes a team of seismologist divers, including Novak (Adam Scott, Veronica Mars, Leap Year) to explore the cavern exposed by the earthquake. The divers are devoured by the piranhas, who begin to invade the entire lake. They take a captured piranha to marine biologist Carl Goodman (Christopher Lloyd, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, Back To The Future) to figure out what it exactly is. Carl discovers that the piranhas are a prehistoric, long-thought extinct piranha that has survived by adopting cannibalism. Eventually, Jake sees his brother and sister stuck on a nearby island and uses the boat to pick them up. They hit some rocks and begin to sink, taking on piranhas in the process. At the same time, more piranhas invade the lake, eating hundreds of drunken college kids. Will Julie be able to save the partiers and will Jake be able to save the people on his boat?

Joker fish

I expected the worst from Piranha 3D, as the commercials and previews made it seem like a big screen attempt at a terribly SyFy channel movie. I was pleasantly surprised to find that the movie actually had a lot more more depth and action than the usual animal attack movies. The two biggest differences between Piranha and typical SyFy movie is the amount of nudity and gore. I'm not sure if I watched an unrated version, but there was more nudity in Piranha that most late-night Cinemax movies. Not that I'm complaining, but there is a copious amount of topless women and a full-nude swimming scene. On top of all that nudity is some of the best gore in a horror movie I've seen in years. There is no shortage of blood, bones, and guts throughout most of the movie. We get the “best” of both worlds with a scene featuring a piranha taking a bite out of computerized penis. Yes, really. Writer/director Alexandre Aja (Mirrors, The Hills Have Eyes) gives the audience what it wants in both regards, giving us just enough of a story to get us into the movie, but never overplaying his hand. There really isn't much to the movie other than nudity and violence, so Citizen Kane, this is not.

The movie has a surprisingly deep cast, including Elisabeth Shue, Ving Rhames, Jerry O'Connell, Christopher Lloyd, and small cameos by Eli Roth and Richard Dreyfuss. Shue is good in her authoritative role and Rhames plays his usual tough guy. Jerry O'Connell is very entertaining and natural as a sleazy porn maker. I swear that's a compliment. The money used to get such a cast probably put a dent in the special effects budget because, to be honest, the piranhas look cartoonish. I guess you're asking a lot from a movie where the main selling points is “breasts in 3D”, but it still would have been nice if the fish looked more realistic. Speaking of 3D, the version I watched was in regular 2D, so it was a little funny watching scenes clearly made for 3D, but seeing no effect. The makeup and prosthetics look good for all the injured swimmers which certainly helps keep the movie from becoming completely ridiculous.

"I've had it up to hear with these piranhas!"

Piranha 3D won't change the way we look at movies and it won't make you afraid to get in the water, but it will entertain you. It's simple, to-the-point, and loaded with violence and nudity. The story is nothing special, but it gets us from A to B. Obviously, this movie is for the younger audience and should probably not be watched during Family Movie Night. The acting is good for what is required, especially given the silly premise. There is a ton of violence and heaps of gore, enough to make any horror fan happy. The special effects are a little silly looking and border on cheap SyFy channel material. It's goofy and ridiculous, but it is self-aware, so it's OK. If you need something to watch with friends or need a light-hearted gore-a-thon, Piranha is a good choice.

7.5/10

Day 222: Day Of The Dead

Day Of The Dead

Nothing makes sense in this picture. Nothing.

In “Shaun of the Dead,” Ed asks Shaun, “Who died and made you fucking king of the zombies?” Despite still being alive, the answer to that question would have to be George Romero. Romero is the father of the modern zombie genre with his original trilogy of Night Of The Living Dead, Dawn Of The Dead, and Day Of The Dead being the litmus test for all other zombie movies. While many zombie movies try to achieve the same greatness of Romero's movies, most of the time they end up just ripping them off. There are countless “... Of The Dead” movies out there just hoping that an unsuspecting horror fan will pick it up in hopes of a good zombie movie. I know that's true because I've done it before. In 2004, Zack Snyder directed a remake of Dawn Of The Dead to wide success and acclaim. It took the essence of the original along with some important scenes and made it a modern horror movie. It was only a matter of time before we got a remake of Day Of The Dead.

Day Of The Dead is a 2008 direct-to-video remake of the 1985 George Romero movie of the same name. The movie stars Mena Suvari (American Pie, American Beauty) as Corporal Sarah Cross. An outbreak has occurred in a small town in Colorado, leading the army to quarantine the area. The town also happens to be the home of Corporal Cross, who travels with Private Bud Crain (Stark Sands, Six Feet Under, Generation Kill) to her mother's house to check up on her. There, she walks in on her brother Trevor (Michael Welch, Joan of Arcadia, Twilight) making out with his girlfriend Nina (AnnaLynne McCord, 90210, New Moon). Sarah checks on Trevor's friend, Kyle, and discovers that his parents have been brutally mauled. She takes her sick mother to the hospital along with Trevor and Nina. The hospital is overrun by sick people who all stop moving at the same time. The infected suddenly reanimate, turning into super-fast, super-agile flesh-hungry zombies. Trevor and Nina are able to escape while Sarah and Bud hide in a storage room along with Dr. Logan (Matt Rippy, Torchwood, Boogeyman 3) and Private Salazar (Nick Cannon, Drumline, RollBounce). They are attacked by a zombified Captain Rhodes (Ving Rhames, Dawn Of The Dead, Pulp Fiction) who bites Bud on the hand before they are able to kill him. Trevor and Nina find safety in a radio station while Bud, Sarah, and Salazar fight their way out of the hospital. Dr. Logan makes a run for it on his own. Bud eventually turns into a zombie, but through his strong feelings for Sarah, retains some of his human traits and is helpful in fighting off the zombies. They pick up Trevor and Nina and head to a supposedly abandoned bunker. Inside, they find a laboratory with Dr. Logan inside. How is he connected to the outbreak, what is “Project: Wildfire” and how will they survive?

I don't think the camouflage is working

Calling this a remake is a real stretch of the imagination. The Dawn Of The Dead remake, while not exactly the same as the original, kept the same themes and general idea intact. I mean, a majority of the movie takes place with the humans holed-up in a mall, just like the original. This remake has a completely different story and only a tenuous connection to the source material. Just because you use the same names as the original, have the main characters be soldiers, and having a zombie remember things doesn't mean you have a remake. The movie also lacks the serious political and social commentary that made up so much of the original. All of this could be forgiven if the movie itself was good. There is plenty of action to go around, so if you like exploding heads, you'll be entertained. While it does have some entertaining moments, the story is too much of a mess to be overcome.

Things happen too conveniently in Day Of The Dead. The main characters survive too easily while everyone else dies around them. The last 15 minutes or so when they randomly find this bunker that had never been previously mentioned is when things get out of hand. They try to cram in an explanation that should have been addressed earlier and then throw in some horrifically unrealistic action. I've come to accept fast zombies, but I can't allow zombies that can crawl on ceilings and make Super Mario-like jumps. These things are so fast that it's hard to believe anyone would survive. The fun of having slow zombies is the crushing realization that a character is surrounded and no matter what they do, they are dead. Some zombies look good while others look like a pizza from Domino's. There is a good amount of blood and gore, enough to please most horror fans. To put it lightly, the acting is just not very good. Mena Suvari does her best, but I just can't believe that she is a Corporal in the army. Ving Rhames is only in the movie for a few brief scenes, which is a shame, because we know he can be very good. Between this and Zombie Apocalypse, I don't know what Mr. Rhames was thinking. The real problem comes from Nick Cannon who spits out contrived, cliched lines with all the conviction of a rapper-turned-actor. The special effects look particularly fake and they would have been better off using traditional effects and makeup.

I didn't know zombies could smile

If you enjoyed the original Day Of The Dead, you will be greatly disappointed with this remake. It does have more action, blood, and gore than the original, but lacks the story and commentary that made the original so enjoyable. There are a few connections to the original, but, for better or worse, this Day Of The Dead is really it's own story. The acting is questionable and the special effects are worse. The super-fast zombies add more fear to the movie, but look silly as they sprint and flail about. If you like lots of violence in your zombie movies, you'll really enjoy this one. If you need a little more substance to your horror, you should look elsewhere.

4.5/10

Day 61: Zombie Apocalypse

Zombie Apocalypse

They put more effort into the poster than the script

Sometimes a little bit of research before watching a movie will really help you from making a bad decision. I read the description for Zombie Apocalypse (or 2012: Zombie Apocalypse because for some reason, we need the year thrown in the title) and thought it might be a decent watch. Zombies and Ving Rhames? We've seen this before (Dawn and Day of the Dead) with pretty good results. And the title shares a name with a really good hardcore band I like. If only I had taken the time to see who had made the movie, I would have saved myself some serious mental anguish.

Zombie Apocalypse (I refuse to put the pointless 2012 in the title) has a beginning very reminiscent of the awesome 80's movie Red Dawn in the fact that the entire world goes to hell within the first minute of the movie. The VM2 virus turns people into zombies and spreads across Europe and eventually makes it's way to the United States. In order to contain the infected, the government cuts off major transportation arteries like roads and bridges. Then they detonate Electro-magnetic pulses to cut off electronic devices among the population. I guess the government must have magical non-electronic devices that the EMPs won't take out. The population has been devastated and only small bands of people roam the country looking for a safe haven. Anyway, Ramona (Taryn Manning, 8 Mile, Cold Mountain), Billie (Eddie Steeples, Darnell from My Name Is Earl) and Kevin are wandering through a town when they are attacked by zombies. A group of people, including Henry (Ving Rhames, Dawn of the Dead, Pulp Fiction) come to their rescue, but not before the zombies bite Kevin. The group is headed towards Los Angeles because there is a rumor that there is a ship that comes to pick up survivors and bring them to the safe island of Catalina. Will they be able to make it to Catalina or will they become dinner for a hungry group of zombies?

Mr. Rhames! Can I have a hug? OWWWW!

If I had done my research, I would have found out that this movie was made by The Asylum, creators of such masterpieces as “2010: Moby Dick,” “Titanic II,” “Freakshow,” (read my review for that garbage) and countless titles that try to confuse their movies with popular titles (Snakes on a Train, The Amityville Haunting). I knew I was screwed when the first screen of the movie said “SyFy Films”.

Zombie Apocalypse is just about every zombie movie you've ever seen with more aimless wandering. If I say “zombie movie” you already have a pretty good idea of what is going to happen. While most zombie movies try to include social commentary, Zombie Apocalypse smacks you in the face within the first seconds of the movie with some far-out “the government is abandoning you” propaganda that may or may not have been intentional. Beyond that, the movie has nothing to say. Nothing about inequality or the environment. There aren't even evil humans in the movie, practically a staple on zombie lore. There are plenty of zombie-fighting scenes, but upon closer look, I found out that the movie uses the same zombie actors over and over. They couldn't even bring a change of clothes to make them look different? I guess it doesn't matter because the computerized effects are SyFy-level awful.

Most of the characters are pretty unremarkable and I'm actually struggling to remember any of their names. Besides Ving Rhames, most of the acting is mediocre. Taryn Manning is the Red Oak of wooden acting with a voice made of gravel to boot. The movie really suffers from not having a main character. We start with Ramona and her friends, but she gets pushed aside very quickly. The audience doesn't connect with any of the characters and never cares if they live or die. What's the point of having a large group of people in a zombie movie if you're not going to kill most of them off? While all of this would have made Zombie Apocalypse a mediocre movie, but in the last 10 minutes, it falls of a cliff and crashes into the side of a mountain all because of two words: Zombie tigers. No, wait, three words: Fucking zombie tigers. Tigers are never eluded to or mentioned throughout the entire movie. They just show up at the end of the movie because why not.

Pictured: Fucking zombie tiger

Zombie Apocalypse is a thoroughly unoriginal zombie movie with little story and mostly poor acting. The special effects are the same computerized drek you'd see in typical SyFy movies. Save yourself the trouble and avoid the movie Zombie Apocalypse. Instead, listen to the band Zombie Apocalypse and play some Left 4 Dead. You'll be much happier.

3/10