Day 160: Masters of Horror: Pro-Life

Masters of Horror: Pro-Life

Oh, baby, baby. How was I supposed to know?

Abortion is a very serious and personal issue. It's also one of the most divisive issues in the United States. There are plenty of horror movies based around Satanic pregnancies, Rosemary's Baby being the most well-known. I don't believe any of these movies ever focused on abortion, though. They may have been mentioned briefly or in passing, but it was never the entire basis of the movie. There's probably a good reason for that because most movies don't want to make the audience angry, one way or the other. Whatever you feel on the subject (Personally, I quote Jay from Dogma, “A woman's body her own fucking business.”), it's a very strong catalyst for a horror movie. With John Carpenter (Halloween, Escape from New York) in the director's chair, maybe he can avoid the minefield while creating a fun and scary movie.

"This orange is gigantic!"

Masters of Horror: Pro-Life stars Caitlin Wachs (The Legend of Bloody Mary, My Dog Skip) as Angelique and Ron Perlman (Hellboy, 5ive Girls) as her father Dwayne. Angelique is running in the woods when she crosses onto a road and is almost hit by Alex (Mark Feuerstein, Royal Pains, Defiance) and Kim (Emmanuelle Vaugier, Saw II, Smallville). They take her to the clinic they work at to make sure she is ok. Her father Dwayne pulls up to the clinic and is prevented from going inside due to a court order keeping him at least 500 feet from the facility. Abortions are performed at the clinic and Dwayne has made it his religious mission to stalk and harass the doctors. Angelique informs Alex that she is, in fact, pregnant. She says it happened last week, but she is much further along and Alex believes that her father raped her. She explains that something from under the ground grabbed her, pulled her down, and impregnated her. She wants an abortion, but is too far along in the pregnancy now. Dwayne is joined by his three sons and prays to God for guidance. He here's a voice telling him to protect the baby. All four arms themselves and break into the clinic. The kill the security guard and shoot it out with the head doctor who is fed up with being harassed. He kills one of the sons, but is shot and tortured by Dwayne. Meanwhile, Angelique goes into labor and gives birth to a monstrous demonic baby. Will Dwayne protect the baby when his real father comes for him and will Alex and Kim survive?

This is what awesome looks like

The story of a demonic pregnancy and baby is nothing new, but setting the story in a clinic is certainly different. The movie focuses a bit too much on the political back and forth between Dwayne and the clinic and not enough on horror. Believe me, I like social commentary, and the episode does it well, it's just too much for an hour long episode. Ron Perlman is awesome as always, so I don't mind him getting ample screen time. He is the real villain of the movie anyway. The entire “demon impregnating Angelique” story is very rushed and not given much thought. When the demon father is revealed, his look is a little disappointing. Derek Mears (Friday the 13^th, Predators) plays the demon and does these goofy poses. If you've ever seen the SyFy show “Face Off” you've probably seen the models do the same pose; bent at the knees, arms low and slight bent up, head arched back and moving around in a roaring motion. It comes off as silly and not scary. The demon baby, though, is extra creepy looking, sort of a mix between a spider, a crab, and a Cabbage Patch doll.

Even though John Carpenter was the director, you'd never know it. This easily could have been directed by just about anyone. Beyond some real good background music, there is nothing Carpentery (that should be a word) about Pro-Life. The baby does remind me of some of The Thing, but maybe because it is so horrifying. The movie has plenty of violence and a few scenes that will make you wince or cover your eyes. There is a decent amount of blood and enough action to keep things interesting. The acting is good throughout, though Caitlin Wachs is a bit annoying at times. Her screams were particularly grating and she does that for a good chunk of the movie. 

"I'm a demon! RAAAWWWR..um...RAAAWRR"

Masters of Horror: Pro-Life takes a tried and true horror genre and tries to put it in a different location. It's an interesting, if controversial, idea, but it doesn't really come off well. It's not very scary, more unsettling than anything. The acting is good for the most part, but the directing isn't special. There is lots of action and violence, but they really missed out on the entire demon portion of the story. I fell the hour-long format hurt the finer parts of the story and made everything feel rushed. While not the worst Masters of Horror, Pro-Life could have been a lot better.

5.5/10

Day 129: 5ive Girls

5ive Girls

I'd rather be at Five Guys

Ron Perlman is pretty awesome. He's been an actor on the big and small for many years and has lent his voice to the popular cartoon, Teen Titans. Heck, anyone that can play the weird 80's Beast from Beauty and the Beast show and still have a career should be praised anyway. His run as main character from the Hellboy franchise is probably one of his most popular roles, but he's also starred in a few horror movies as well. He's been in I Sell The Dead, Mutant Chronicles, and Alien Resurrection just to name a few. While the quality of his horror movies range from good to not so good, Ron Perlman has always been a a bright spot. Can the same be said for the movie with a number in it's name instead of a letter? Would Ron Perlman be able to make a possession movie be exciting?

5ive Girls is a 2006 Canadian horror movie starring Ron Perlman (Enemy At The Gates, Hellboy) as Father Drake and Jennifer Miller (Lucky Number Slevin, American Pie: The Naked Mile) as Alex, a young woman with psychic powers. Five years ago, a student at the Catholic school St. Mark's named Elizabeth was attacked by a demonic force. Father Drake rushed to save her, but was powerless to stop the demon, and Elizabeth vanished without a trace. Cut to the present day, St. Mark's has just reopened as a sort of reform school for five troubled girls. Under the strict rule of Headmistress Pearce (Amy LaLonde), Alex and the four other girls are subjected to harsh punishments. Alex begins to have visions of Elizabeth roaming the halls and reveals this to the other girls. It turns out they all have supernatural powers and abilities, Connie is a conduit, Mara can heal, Leah can pass through objects, and Cecilia has ESP. It turns out that Miss Pearce has actually brought the girls together in an effort to conduct a satanic ritual that will bring Elizabeth back. Each girl is possessed and murdered by the demon Legion of New Testament fame, bringing Miss Pearce closer to bringing back Elizabeth, who turns out to be her sister. With Father Drake dead, will Alex and Mara be able to stop Legion and Miss Pearce?

Shalom!

I posted a question earlier asking if Ron Perlman could make a generic movie great. To answer that question in one word, “No.” In two words, “Hell no.” In three, “Hell fucking no!” That's not to say Perlman doesn't put in a good performance, because he does, it's just not enough to pull the movie out of the depths of cliché hell. I do think it's funny though that a nice Jewish boy like Ron has played a priest in more than one movie.  All the usual religious/satanic symbols and symbolism are present; the pentagrams, the “demonic” voice, the blood, the crosses. Even if you haven't watched many of these movies, you'll feel like you've seen it all before and will be endlessly bored. With these movies, there is the possibility where you may actually learn something. As a non-Christian/Catholic, I was not particularly familiar with who or what Legion is. They gave a quick description, certainly not enough to really explain the whole backstory and just why the hell he made Elizabeth disappear and why he's back now.

Beyond the weak story, the problems lie within the acting and the special effects. The acting ranges from passable to cringe-worthy. The direction is off in some places, with angsty rock music being played in scenes that don't really need it. It doesn't help that they are given some truly terrible dialogue that sounds like it came from a bad CW teen soap drama. Some jokes and witty banter are tossed in and it just kills the flow of the movie. The special effects are pretty bad and really hurt the overall horror. There are some action scenes, but the overall feel of Catholic school girls running around comes off more like a soft core adult film.

Those effects are "special" alright

5ive Girls (not to be confused with the instrumental metal band or the boy band 5ive) is a typical religion vs. Satan story that has nothing going for it beyond Ron Perlman. I may not have watched the movie if he wasn't starring in it. He does a fine job, but he gets zero help from his supporting cast. The story is painfully cliched, the acting is poor, and the effects are unfortunate. By the end, I didn't care if the characters lived, died, or mushrooms grew out of their asses. Wait, that last one might have at least been interesting. Overall, 5ive Girls will give you the sense of deja vu from a movie you already hate.

3/10

Day 34: I Sell The Dead

I Sell The Dead

Buy 2 dead, get the 3rd for free

I tend to go against the grain when I pick what movie to watch. If a movie is popular, I will usually avoid it at all cost unless it's something I legitimately want to see. For example, I had little interest in Paranormal Activities to begin with, and after seeing it make tons of money at the box office, my interest drops to negative. It's not that I don't trust reviews and popular demand, but for whatever reason, the more people like something, the more I avoid it. I came across I Sell The Dead, saw that it was a popular choice, and decided to watch it. Now I know why I avoid popular choices.

I Sell The Dead stars Dominic Monaghan (Lord of the Rings) as the grave robbing Arthur Blake and Ron Perlman (Hellboy) as Father Duffy. Arthur is to be executed for murder and Father Duffy asks him to tell his tale. Arthur tells of his life as a grave robber with his mentor Willie Grimes and their wacky encounters with vampires, aliens and a brutal clan of rival ghouls called the House of Murphy. Word spreads that a shipment of the undead has washed onto an island and Arthur's ladyfriend Fanny convinces all three to retrieve the bodies. Little do they know that the House of Murphy has already arrived on the island. How will they survive, how does Arthur face execution, and how is Father Duffy connected.

Oh yeah. That molar will have to come out.

The word that comes to mind while watching this movie is “boring”. Throughout the entire movie, you keep waiting for the actual story to begin, but it never really happens. It comes off as a few short stories stretched out into one narrative and it just doesn't work. Trying to cram in vampires, aliens, and zombies takes up too much time from the movie and leaves very little story. I'm reminded of Hugh Jackman's Van Helsing where a slew of classic monster movies were thrown together. Van Helsing at least attempted to tie it all together to form one cohesive movie. What should have been the main focus of the entire movie, getting the undead on the island, is not even mentioned until until about 45 minutes in. Arthur's girlfriend Fanny doesn't even show up until the last 1/3 of the movie. All of this should have been established much, much earlier.

I Sell The Dead is labeled as a horror comedy, but calling it a horror movie is not accurate. Just because there are some horror elements and monsters, doesn't make it a horror movie. There are some funny and clever moments, but nothing that will make you double over with laughs. It's the movie-equivalent of watching Ellen. You'll be saying “Oh, that's clever,” without actually laughing. This movie is visually appealing. The sets have a nice old-timey feel and the outdoor locations are very beautiful. Some green-screen shots give the movie a comic-book feel, but in a good way. It does suffer a bit when actors are shot in front of the green screen, though. Dominic Monaghan and Ron Perlman do fine jobs in their respective roles. Monahghan was a very good choice in the role of Arthur and Perlman is good in just about anything. 

Sarah Jessica Parker naked! AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

By no means a bad movie in the traditional sense, I Sell The Dead is just kind of boring. A story that feels both rushed and at the same time too slow, this movie suffers from having a few fun ideas and then shoving them all together. It's like a horror TurDucken. Good acting and a few decent moments keep the movie from being a total loss. I Sell The Dead had a popular run on the festival circuit and was even distributed by IFC. I can see why some people would like it, but as a horror fan, this movie just won't do anything for you.

4/10