Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare

Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare

This may or may not be the new Manowar album art

 
There is nothing inherently wrong with making a low-budget horror movie. There is something wrong with making a low-budget horror movie when the same person writes, produces, provides the music, and acts in the lead role.

Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare (originally titled The Edge of Hell) is a 1987 horror movie starring Jon Mikl Thor (Zombie Nightmare, 80’s metal band Thor) as John Triton, lead singer of the band Triton. Triton, along with their girlfriends and manager, have driven out to an isolated barn house to record new music. Unbeknownst to them, a family was mysteriously murdered several years before by an evil force. After a mediocre recording session, various monsters begin appearing in the house. One by one, the band becomes possessed by the evil presence and their personalities start to change. On the bright side, the band sounds better than ever. Unfortunately, the good times end as everyone in the house disappears, leaving John as the sole member still alive. The evil spirit finally reveals it’s true form, that of the Devil himself! How will John be able to defeat the Prince of Darkness?

And who knew the Devil was so adorable?

Calling Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare a vanity project for Jon Mikl Thor doesn’t do the term justice. He’s the writer, producer, and lead acting role. To the surprise of no one, Thor is not good at all three of these things. The movie cost a little over $50,000 to make, a paltry sum for a horror movie that includes multiple monsters. You may be surprised to find out that the movie took a week to film. If I had to guess, I would’ve said it took a solid afternoon.

In terms of acting, you have your standard c-level horror movie crappiness. The director purportedly hired some of his friends to act and I completely believe that. Lines are delivered poorly, usually with a lack of proper emotion or projection. I think Thor knew he wasn’t much of an actor, because despite being the hero of the movie, he actually isn’t in it all that much. There are times throughout the movie where the dialogue is drowned out by music.

This next one is called “Cocaine Titty Explosion”!

Speaking of music, Thor manages to cram in as much of his as possible. If we’re being honest, it’s not that bad. It straddles the line between hair metal and late 70’s cock rock. I’m not a fan of either genre, but the music manages to be tolerable, bordering on enjoyable at times. Probably because it distracts from the poor acting and lack of story. Beyond the metal music, Rock N Roll Nightmare also injects cheap Casio keyboard hits that would make Varg Vikernes nether regions tingle like the first time he read Mein Kampf. The cheap keyboard music pops up at random times throughout the movie and consistently made me laugh. Probably not what they were going for.

On top of all that, Thor is the main image on the poster. He beats out the Devil for top billing! He’s practically saying “Out of the way, Beezlebro, I gotta flex these pecs! You may bring the lightning, but I’ve got the thunder! Drink it in! UGGGHHHHH!” To be fair, when you’re a former bodybuilder that writes like Helen Keller after a night of heavy drinking, you might as well pose as much as possible. And pose he does. The final battle between John and the Devil is a chance for Thor to take off his shirt, put on some sort of chain-mail loincloth and do his best Mr. USA poses. Think I’m kidding? Look at this picture:

I call this look "Brown Steel"

With all of these things out of the way, what about the story? Well, there isn’t much story. There really isn’t much build or anticipation. Things just kind of happen and then we move on. The demons/monsters are Halloween store surplus. The Devil is downright adorable. And this guy? Subtlely was thrown out of the window into a dump truck filled with rat tracks. It’s literally a one-eyed penis-shaped monster. What else can you say? I mean, besides “What in the throbbing purple fuck?!”

Funny caption not necessary

 I won’t spoil the big twist, but it comes out of nowhere and makes very, very little sense. It actually causes more plotholes than fills them in. It does lead to one of the best fight scenes since Roddy Piper vs. Keith Davis in “They Live”. It’s less a find and more of a “John makes funny faces while holding the arms of the paper mache Devil. And it goes on for 10 minutes!

Oh sure, you love Slim Jims, but you don’t want to see what they’re made from.

Rock N Roll Nightmare is a funhouse mirror in Jon Mikl Thor’s world where he is the best at everything. Really, though, can you be annoyed by a movie this goofy and inept? Yeah, you can. With a group of friends Rock N Roll Nightmare can be a good time. It’s poorly acted, poorly written, and downright silly. It’s absolutely fun to laugh at and can be enjoyable if treated as such. But as a genuine horror movie? It’s woefully and hysterically bad. And may you be in Heaven half an hour before the Devil knows you’re flexing.

3.5/10

Day 283: Rocktober Blood

Rocktober Blood

I wanna rock!

Don't you find yourself thinking “Man, there really needs to be a movie about a heavy metal singer going around and murdering people”? Yeah, me neither, but that's the cocaine-fueled 1980's for you. The late 70's and early 80's saw a glut of slasher movies that quickly bled the genre dry. There's only so many holiday-related horror movies you can do, so the slashers began to branch out into other pop culture scenarios at the time. We have slashers movies set around aerobics, malls, small towns, colleges and all sorts of other places. Thanks to the rise of MTV and the international attention of the New Wave Of British Heavy Metal, it was only a matter of time before a slasher movie got it's bloody mitts on this setting. Does it make sense? No, but it happened anyway.

(Today's review goes out to my friend Danny. We watched this movie several years ago on VHS and still quote it to this day. Be sure to check out his great wedding photos here: www.danielaweddings.info)

Rocktober Blood is a 1984 B-movie slasher starring Donna Scoggins as Lynn Starling and Tray Loren (Gatorbait II, American Angels: Baptism Of Blood) as heavy metal singer Billy “Eye” Harper. After a recording session with the band, Lynn stays behind to work on some of her backing vocals. After a few unsuccessful attempts, Lynn goes upstairs to rest in a jacuzzi. At the same time, Billy returns to the studio and kills the engineer and his assistant. He tries to kill Lynn, but is stopped by security guards. We skip ahead two years later and Billy has been executed for the murders while Lynn has become the singer for his band, now named Headmistress. The band is about to embark on their “Rocktober Blood” tour when a man, claiming to be the deceased Billy Eye, begins stalking Lynn. He looks and sounds just like Billy and knows all about Lynn. It was Lynn who identified Billy in court and he is now back for revenge. She flees to a house in the wood but Billy pursues, killing her friends along the way and hiding the bodies so no one will believe her. Will Lynn survive long enough to play her debut show and is Billy really back from the dead?

 Nothing says "metal" like a tropical paradise and a perm

Rocktober Blood easily falls into the “so bad, it's good category”. While the concept is a little strange for a horror movie, it's actually the best thing about Rocktober Blood. The music is really good, sort of a mixture between Judas Priest, Mercyful Fate, and Joan Jett. A real metal band named Sorcery put together the music, which was probably the best decision the filmmakers could have made. In a ridiculous movie like this, at least they didn't skimp on the music. The band has an entertaining stage show, similar to Iron Maiden and Alice Cooper. Of course, the rest of the movie is the epitome of terrible. The story is absurdly bare-bones with little in the way of thought, character development, and general believability. Why is the tour called "Rocktober Blood"? Because drugs, that's why. For the movie's plot to work, the police would have to completely and utterly ignore literally everything they learned in police academy. Little things like facts and evidence hold no sway over the movie. What, was Billy completely alone every time a murder was committed, thus allowing no one to give him an alibi? No one else knew that (spoiler alert) Billy had a twin brother? Not his band, not the police, not his parents? No one noticed him actually killing people on stage?

Uh, I think you may need to explain what happened in the past 2 years

The acting is horrendous, ranging from oak to birch on the wooden scale. You'll find yourself laughing as actors flatly recite lines that were probably written on a cocktail napkin. The final fifteen minutes of the movie is just the concert itself, ending with one of the most ridiculous movie deaths ever. The film quality is terrible as multiple scenes are too dark and dialogue is too quite. I don't think the film every made it to DVD, or if it did it was a direct rip from VHS. Despite being a slasher, there isn't as much gore as you'd expect in a movie like this. Other than one beheading, I can't recall a lot of blood in the movie. In typical slasher fashion, there are a few scenes of unnecessary nudity. The movie does manage to give the villain a few good evil lines and I'm surprised bands haven't taken advantage of it.

Insane Clown Posse: The Beginning

Rocktober Blood is the offspring of too many drugs and not enough ideas. The acting is terrible and the story would make an English professor weep. Common sense is thrown out the window as even the most basic of evidence is completely ignored in order to further the story. There are some good kills, but not as much as you'd think for a slasher in the 80's. There are a few good one-liners and you'll find yourself saying “Rainbow eyes” for no apparent reason. The music in the movie is it's one saving grace, thanks to the real heavy metal band Sorcery. Rocktober Blood is best watched with a group of friends ready to laugh. It's so bad, it's good.

2.5/10

Day 29: The Haunted World of El Superbeasto

The Haunted World of El Superbeasto

No mas! No mas!

In honor of the WWE's Royal Rumble tonight, I thought I'd watch a movie involving a Luchadore wrestler. Personally, I think Chris Jericho is going to win the Royal Rumble and face CM Punk for the title at Wrestlemania. I also think some surprise entries into the Rumble include Rey Mysterio, Goldust, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, and MVP. Ok, that's enough wrestling nerding-out for now. Unfortunately, The Haunted World of El Superbeasto focused more on extreme cartoon violence and nudity instead of suplexes and powerbombs. While that disappoints my wrestling fan side, it pleased my cartoon side.

The Haunted World of El Superbeasto follows the animated adventure of the masked wrestler/actor/secret agent, El Superbeasto )Tom Papa). The evil and nerdy Dr. Satan (Paul Giamatti) has kidnapped stripper Velvet Von Black (Rosario Dawson) in order to make her his bride and gain super powers. Aided by his sister Suzi-X (Sheri Moon Zombie) and her robot partner Murray (Brian Posehn), El Superbeasto must fight through monsters, creatures, Nazi zombies, and his own ego to defeat Dr. Satan and save Velvet Von Black.

I'd say this is horrible, but its happening to a Nazi, so it's ok

This movie boasts a huge cast of famous voices. Including those listed above, Danny Trejo, Harland Williams, Clint Howard, Ken Foree, Sid Haig, and Bill Mosely all lend their vocal talents. Even though this movie is animated, it is definitely not for children. There is tons of sex, nudity, cursing, and violence. I'm fine with all of that, but you should be fairly warned if kids wants to watch this. The humor is crude and a bit sophomoric, but there are some true laugh-out-loud moments. The songs, performed by Hard N' Phirm, are especially entertaining.

Rob Zombie loves horror movies and this entire movie is a big love letter to the genre. You can spend the entire movie picking out all the famous monsters, plots, and references to other films. Zombie knows this and even has songs to point out that a scene is directly being ripped from Carrie. The animation is clear and well done, sometimes reminding me of the old Ren and Stimpy cartoon. The movie clocks in at about 75 minutes, which makes me wonder if it ran long or short. Why not just crank out another 10-15 minutes and make it a full-length movie? I know Zombie was working on The Devil's Rejects and then Halloween while El Superbeasto was being worked on, so perhaps he could not devote his full attention to making this movie longer.

Say "John Cena sucks!" Say it!

Overall, The Haunted World of El Superbeasto is a funny raunchy ride into the world of horror. The animation is very good and the cast of characters is top notch. The humor does get a bit crude sometimes and the blatantly nudity and sex would make anyone uncomfortable if they had to watch it with their parents. It's more suited for a stoned college student than a 12 year old. The Haunted World of El Superbeasto is worth a watch for some laughs and to catch lots of horror references. Now it's time to watch the Royal Rumble. Go Y2J!

7/10

Day 19: Dracula 2000

Dracula 2000

Presented by X-treme Doritos and Mountain Dew

Remember when the year 2000 sounded so far off and futuristic? Now in 2012, it feels like ancient history. There are no flying cars, no robots serving us, and meals don't in pill form. Lots of things in the mid 90's had “2000” thrown at the end of it, just like the word “Extreme” (or X-treme if they were being really extreme)

The movie stars Gerard Butler (300, Gamer) as Dracula, Christopher Plummer (Syriana, Malcolm X) as Matthew Van Helsing, and Justine Waddell (Great Expectations) as his daughter Mary. Thieves break into Van Helsing's vault and steal a silver coffin. Unwittingly, they release Dracula from the coffin and he turns the thieves into vampires as they make their way towards New Orleans. Meanwhile, Mary has vivid nightmares and visions of Dracula reaching out to her. It turns out she shares blood and a psychic link with Dracula. Van Helsing and his assistant Simon must get to Mary and kill Dracula for good. 

Perfect Strangers 2000

Dracula 2000 has a small nostalgic place in my heart. I remember seeing it in theaters with my dad. I don't know why, but I enjoyed the movie back then. It's fun to see some of the late 90's clothes and hair styles. It harkens back to a simpler time, before 9/11, the recession, and Justin Bieber. Maybe I'm getting crankier as I get older, but things were better then. At least, I like to pretend they were. Dracula 2000 revels in it's 90's awesomeness. A great soundtrack including Pantera, Monster Magnet, Slayer, and System of a Down makes me happy, but I'm not really sure if it helps the movie. Even Monster Magnet's video for their song Heads Explode makes a cameo (watch it here)

All that being said, when you step back and look at what happens in the story, it seems kind of silly. There are some gaping plot holes and too much focus is put on updating the story. Most of the acting comes off as over-the-top and cheesy, but in a fun way. Gerard Butler looks absolutely ridiculous as Dracula. Maybe its the hair. Or maybe it's his face. Dracula 2000 has some decent effects and fun bits of bloody violence.

Wow! Look at that ass!

Overall, Dracula 2000 is a fun vampire movie. Certainly not the best, but definitely not the worst. As long as you don't try to dissect every little thing, you'll have a good time. So-so acting and a weak script tend to drag the movie down at points, but some neck-biting and blood spurts are not far behind. The nostalgia factor for watching this movie is still high for me, but the shine has definitely worn off. Still, its a fun watch and worth your time.

6.5/10