Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare

Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare

This may or may not be the new Manowar album art

 
There is nothing inherently wrong with making a low-budget horror movie. There is something wrong with making a low-budget horror movie when the same person writes, produces, provides the music, and acts in the lead role.

Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare (originally titled The Edge of Hell) is a 1987 horror movie starring Jon Mikl Thor (Zombie Nightmare, 80’s metal band Thor) as John Triton, lead singer of the band Triton. Triton, along with their girlfriends and manager, have driven out to an isolated barn house to record new music. Unbeknownst to them, a family was mysteriously murdered several years before by an evil force. After a mediocre recording session, various monsters begin appearing in the house. One by one, the band becomes possessed by the evil presence and their personalities start to change. On the bright side, the band sounds better than ever. Unfortunately, the good times end as everyone in the house disappears, leaving John as the sole member still alive. The evil spirit finally reveals it’s true form, that of the Devil himself! How will John be able to defeat the Prince of Darkness?

And who knew the Devil was so adorable?

Calling Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare a vanity project for Jon Mikl Thor doesn’t do the term justice. He’s the writer, producer, and lead acting role. To the surprise of no one, Thor is not good at all three of these things. The movie cost a little over $50,000 to make, a paltry sum for a horror movie that includes multiple monsters. You may be surprised to find out that the movie took a week to film. If I had to guess, I would’ve said it took a solid afternoon.

In terms of acting, you have your standard c-level horror movie crappiness. The director purportedly hired some of his friends to act and I completely believe that. Lines are delivered poorly, usually with a lack of proper emotion or projection. I think Thor knew he wasn’t much of an actor, because despite being the hero of the movie, he actually isn’t in it all that much. There are times throughout the movie where the dialogue is drowned out by music.

This next one is called “Cocaine Titty Explosion”!

Speaking of music, Thor manages to cram in as much of his as possible. If we’re being honest, it’s not that bad. It straddles the line between hair metal and late 70’s cock rock. I’m not a fan of either genre, but the music manages to be tolerable, bordering on enjoyable at times. Probably because it distracts from the poor acting and lack of story. Beyond the metal music, Rock N Roll Nightmare also injects cheap Casio keyboard hits that would make Varg Vikernes nether regions tingle like the first time he read Mein Kampf. The cheap keyboard music pops up at random times throughout the movie and consistently made me laugh. Probably not what they were going for.

On top of all that, Thor is the main image on the poster. He beats out the Devil for top billing! He’s practically saying “Out of the way, Beezlebro, I gotta flex these pecs! You may bring the lightning, but I’ve got the thunder! Drink it in! UGGGHHHHH!” To be fair, when you’re a former bodybuilder that writes like Helen Keller after a night of heavy drinking, you might as well pose as much as possible. And pose he does. The final battle between John and the Devil is a chance for Thor to take off his shirt, put on some sort of chain-mail loincloth and do his best Mr. USA poses. Think I’m kidding? Look at this picture:

I call this look "Brown Steel"

With all of these things out of the way, what about the story? Well, there isn’t much story. There really isn’t much build or anticipation. Things just kind of happen and then we move on. The demons/monsters are Halloween store surplus. The Devil is downright adorable. And this guy? Subtlely was thrown out of the window into a dump truck filled with rat tracks. It’s literally a one-eyed penis-shaped monster. What else can you say? I mean, besides “What in the throbbing purple fuck?!”

Funny caption not necessary

 I won’t spoil the big twist, but it comes out of nowhere and makes very, very little sense. It actually causes more plotholes than fills them in. It does lead to one of the best fight scenes since Roddy Piper vs. Keith Davis in “They Live”. It’s less a find and more of a “John makes funny faces while holding the arms of the paper mache Devil. And it goes on for 10 minutes!

Oh sure, you love Slim Jims, but you don’t want to see what they’re made from.

Rock N Roll Nightmare is a funhouse mirror in Jon Mikl Thor’s world where he is the best at everything. Really, though, can you be annoyed by a movie this goofy and inept? Yeah, you can. With a group of friends Rock N Roll Nightmare can be a good time. It’s poorly acted, poorly written, and downright silly. It’s absolutely fun to laugh at and can be enjoyable if treated as such. But as a genuine horror movie? It’s woefully and hysterically bad. And may you be in Heaven half an hour before the Devil knows you’re flexing.

3.5/10

Day 319: Puppet Master

Puppet Master

Obey your master...master

I've reviewed a few movies courtesy of Full Moon Entertainment, including Demonic Toys, Decadent Evil,  Evil Bong, and Meridian. While all three were different, their similarities were obvious. All were made on the cheap and were completely balls-out insane. I mean, a talking bong that kills people? A Beauty And The Beast knockoff horror movie? Whatever the fuck Decadent Evil is? When a movie with murderous toys is the least batshit insane movie out of the bunch, you know there's something wrong. Full Moon did actually have a breakout hit amongst all their stealing piles of crap: Puppet Master. The Puppet Master franchise has spawned over ten movies, comic books, and toys. If a movie franchise has lasted this long, the original has to be great, right? Of course not, this is Full Moon we're talking about!

Puppet Master is a 1989 direct-to-video horror movie written by Charles Band and Kenneth J. Hall. The movie stars Paul Le Mat (American Graffiti, American History X) as psychic Alex Whitaker. In 1939, puppeteer Andre Toulon (William Hickey, Tales From The Darkside, The Nightmare Before Christmas) is tracked down by two Nazi spies. Toulon had discovered the secret ability to give life to inanimate objects and bestowed the gift on his puppets. As the Nazis are about to break down his door, Toulon shoots himself before they could get his secret. Fifty years later, a psychic named Alex Whitaker begins to have strange, violent dreams involving both the past and the future. At the same time, fellow psychic Dana Hadley (Irene Miracle, Midnight Express, Inferno), has a vision of getting her throat cut. Alex and Dana, along with psychic couple Carissa and Frank are summoned to the Bodege Bay Inn where their former colleague Neil Gallagher (Jimmie F. Skaggs, Cutthroat Island, Leathal Weapon) is staying. They meet Neil's wife Megan who informs them that Neil has killed himself and before his burial, insisted that the four psychics were present. As the day turns into night, Toulon's puppets come to life and begin to wreak havoc on the guests. Soon, only Alex and Megan are left alive. To their shock, Neil turns up alive and well. How is this possible and what does Neil have in store for Alex and Megan?

"Ain't I a stinker?"

As with any killer doll movie, you have to take the plot with a grain of salt. Done correctly, the killer doll genre can be quite scary and very entertaining. Child's Play and the Talking Tina episode of The Twilight Zone are proof. Puppet Master gives us different dolls with unique attributes, like knives for hands and spitting up leeches to keep things interesting. Sure, it's utterly ridiculous to see a plastic doll spit out multiple leeches, but hey, at least it's different. The puppets look good with some nice detail put into each one. The use of stop-motion gives the puppets semi-believable mobility and multiple first-person camera shots for the puppets' point of view is fun and mixes things up. There are some fun kills and the usual amount of violence and nudity expected in a Full Moon movie.

The problem with Puppet Master is that the over-the-top violence and action doesn't come in until the last third of the movie. Instead, we have to sit through a story that must have been dipped on molasses before it was made. I had literally zero interest in the psychics and their screwy dreams. It has very little to do with the killer puppets, which is stupid because the entire point of the movie is to see the puppets kill people! I didn't watch the movie so I can hear about psychics and the barely-their connection to Toulos. The dream sequences were ridiculous time killers that had a high unintentional comedy factor. I didn't care about Alex, which is a problem because he's the fucking main character. If I don't care about him, why should I care about anything else? On top of that, his hair was a ridiculous amalgam of Meatloaf and Dennis Miller hair. The acting is downright painful, though it's not like they had a lot to work with.

Yeah, this makes sense

When I watch a killer doll movie, I want to see killer dolls. I don't want to have to sit through some unnecessary blather about psychic. You wouldn't watch a zombie movie if the focus was on the main character's golf game, would you? The first 40 minutes are painfully dull and almost completely useless. When the dolls finally start killing people the movie actually becomes fun and entertaining. The variety of dolls kept things interesting and the first-person camera shots were a nice touch. The violence was decent and distracted from the plot holes and filming mistakes like an elevator clearly going up while the numbers go down. While I wasn't expecting Citizen Kane, I figured that a movie that spawned 10 sequels would have at least been decent. Demonic Toys was a better movie. DEMONIC TOYS! If you're morbidly curious or a completest, I'd say check out Puppet Master. If you're looking for a good movie, check elsewhere.

3/10

Day 155: Dead Silence

Dead Silence

Is that puppet giving me the finger?

Pediophobia is the fear of dolls. It's a fairly common phobia that can range from small porcelain dolls to electronic baby dolls. Thankfully, I don't suffer from that phobia. Sure, certain dolls can be creepy looking, but I don't fall into a heap of crying flesh whenever I see a Cabbage Patch kid. The “evil doll” subgenre of horror is nothing new. I've even reviewed a few like Demonic Toys and Dolls. They were most famously portrayed by Talking Tina in The Twilight Zone's “Living Doll” and Chucky from Child's Play. Since then, there hasn't been a new doll-based movie to really break out into the mainstream. Maybe it's time for a doll resurgence in horror.

Dead Silence is a 2007 horror movie starring Ryan Kwanten (True Blood, Summerland) as Jamie Ashen. A package containing a creepy-looking ventriloquist dummy named Billy is anonymously dropped off at Jamie's apartment. He briefly leaves and when he returns, he finds his wife Lisa brutally murdered with her tongue ripped out with Billy lying near her. Jamie is questioned by Det. Jim Lipton (Donnie Wahlberg, Dream Catcher, Saw II), but is not arrested. Jamie goes back to his old hometown of Ravens Fair to bury Lisa. He visits his estranged father (Bob Gunton, The Shawshank Redemption, Demolition Man), who has just suffered a stroke) and his new wife, Ella. Jamie confronts his father about ventriloquist Mary Shaw, a local legend who cut out her victim's tongues. Following Lisa's funeral, Jamie comes across Mary Shaw's grave along with the graves of all her dolls. He reburies Billy, but Billy turns up in his motel room, along with Det. Lipton who is still pursuing Jamie. The next morning, Jamie steals Billy and meets with Henry the mortician who tells Jamie about Mary Shaw's history. During a show, Mary was heckled by a young boy named Michael Ashen. Michael disappeared soon after. Mary was killed by his family and townspeople and her tongue was cut out. Mary has now come back, killing the Ashen family and the town of Ravens Fair by ripping out their tongues when they scream. Jamie goes to the old theater where Mary Shaw lived, joined by Det. Lipton. They find the body of Michael Ashen along with 100 of Mary's dolls. Mary is there as well, looking to finish off Jamie. Will he be able to stop her?

And will she use sunscreen?

For being a doll-based movie, there really isn't much action involving the dolls. Sure, they're around, turning their heads and moving their eyes, but that's really it. I expected a doll to chase after people with a butcher knife or trip someone down the stairs. Instead, we really get a ghost revenge story. Why bother have a shitload of dolls if you're not going to have fun with them? It doesn't have to be over-the-top like Demonic Toys or Puppet Master, but you might as well use them if you have them. Dead Silence reminded me a lot of Darkness Falls; the local legend, a nursery rhyme, an adult coming back to the town he left, an old lady seeking revenge from beyond the grave. Even the both town's names are hilariously ominous. The story is pretty uninspired and not particularly original. They try to go for a spooky atmosphere, but every scene has a bland grey wash to it that makes everything look dull and boring.

The movie was touted as being from the creators of Saw. I enjoyed the first Saw movie, but not enough to care about the creators. The doll from the Saw franchise is show in the foreground in one scene, which was a nice touch. The movie doesn't have violence anywhere near the levels of Saw. There is some action, but it's not particularly excited. The dialogue is weak and the characters are boring. The acting is fine, but not enough to carry the movie. There's a few decent effects and the makeup used to show Mary Shaw's victims actually looks pretty scary. The movie goes for a twist ending that falls flat and is completely unnecessary. A movie like this didn't need a twist ending and it really reflects poorly on the rest of the film. Note to filmmakers: If it doesn't need a twist, don't do it. Don't be M. Night Shyamalan.

Laaaaaaaaaaa!

Dead Silence leads you to believe that you are going to be watching a movie with killer dolls and instead gives us a typical and uninspired ghost story. I thought I was getting "Dolls" and ended up with "Darkness Falls". Why bother having all those dolls if you're not really going to use them? The acting is passable, but the dialogue and story just don't work. The movie is brought down especially hard by an unnecessary twist ending. There's a few startling moments and an overall creepiness with the dolls, but it's not particularly scary. If you suffer from pediophobia, you might be terrified, but if not, you'll just shrug your shoulders. What should have been a crazy, violent romp was just a worn-out, tired revenge story with a ghost. We've seen it all before, so there's no need to bother with Dead Silence.

3/10