Day 96: Decadent Evil

Decadent Evil

Dshitty

Usually my intros have a little explanation of why I chose a movie or what a movie means to me. This time, I'll just post the description of the movie: “A vampire named Morella feasts upon the blood of strip club clientele while housing her ex-lover Marvin – part human/part reptile – in a bird cage.” If that makes any sense to you and sounds like a good movie, congratulations, you are a lunatic. I knew what I was getting into would be bad, but I didn't know just how bad.

I'm going to keep this short and sweet because if I explain too much, blood might start to pour out of your eyes. A female vampire named Morella is trying to drink the blood of 10,000 victims in order to gain control over all vampires. She keeps her ex-lover Marvin, a half man/half reptile Homonoculus, in a bird cage as punishment for cheating on her, because why not? For reasons beyond my comprehension, she thought that having two stripper minions get her victims is the best way about achieving this goal. The strippers (I'm not making this up) are named Sugar and Spyce. That's not a typo on Spyce. A man named Dex is in love with Sugar and despite dating her for a long time, hasn't noticed her vampire teeth or seen her during the day time. Vampire hunter Ivan (Phil Fondacaro, Evil Bong, Land of the Dead) clues Dex into to all the vampire information and together they go to Morella's mansion to kill her. Dex convinces Sugar to leave with him, but Spyce and Morella stop them. Ivan kills Spyce, but is stopped by Morella. Ivan sees Marvin in the cage and recognizes him as his lost father. Will Ivan be able to kill the vampire while Dex and Sugar escape to live happily ever after?

This is what happens when you can't spell correctly 

If you've managed to make it through that synopsis, God bless you. It feels like the story for Decadent Evil was written on the back of a used napkin and the dialogue was written on a filet-o-fish wrapper. The movie starts with a few minutes of explaining how Morella became a vampire. It makes no sense, mostly because it's actually clips from a completely different movie called Vampire Journals. WHY BOTHER?! It adds absolutely nothing to the movie and makes bad story even more disjointed. And why do you have to have vampire stripper minions get your victims? Wouldn't they just take away meals from you? Why do they have to be strippers? Isn't it easier just to go to a homeless shelter or a hostel and pick off people that no one will notice if they disappear? The whole Marvin side story makes even less sense. It's so incredibly stupid that it belongs at a Tea Party rally.

The movie makes it a point to explain why you can see the vampires reflection and why the show up in pictures. Something about vanity. In the very same scene, Ivan says not to believe everything you see in movies. Why change that one thing about vampires and nothing else? Crosses, garlic, and stakes to the heart seem to work just fine. Phil Fondacaro puts on the best performance in the movie, but he doesn't have much to work with. Lines from the other actors have all the emotion of a cactus. There is enough nudity and sex in this movie for it to qualify for Cinemax: After Dark, but it's far from enjoyable. There's some action, but nothing to really keep you interested. The movie clocks in at just over an hour, so I should be grateful that this ended quickly.

WHY IS THIS IN A MOVIE?!?

Simply put, Decadent Evil is a wretched pile of shit. The story makes NO SENSE, the dialogue is ridiculous, and the acting is terrible. Apparently it took 6 days to film this movie, which is about 7 days too long. For whatever reason, they felt the need to make a sequel. I guess they couldn't fit in more insane things like a talking muffin or a vampire pimp. Either way, avoid this monstrosity of a movie at all cost.

1.5/10