Day 326: Rosemary's Baby

Rosemary's Baby

Hit me, baby, one more time

Right off the bat, I have to say, “Fuck Roman Polanski”. He is a statutory rapist who ran away to avoid sentencing. Glad to get that out of the way just in case there was any confusion. I probably wouldn't watched today's movie if it wasn't for a slip in my memory that he directed it. On the one hand, I have wanted to see Rosemary's Baby for a long time as it is considered a horror classic. On the other hand, Roman Polanski is a scumbag who committed a crime and has never been punished. It does bring up an interesting and difficult point, though. Can you separate the art from the artist? People love T.S. Elliot but he was anti-semitic. William S. Burroughs was convicted of manslaughter. Some people are able to disassociate the real-life trouble that these artists get into from their art. I have rarely been able to do that, but for you, I'll give it a try.

Rosemary's Baby is a 1968 psychological horror movie based on the novel of the same name by Ira Levin. The movie stars Mia Farrow (The Great Gatsby, Alice) as Rosemary Woodhouse and John Cassavetes (The Dirty Dozen, Capone) as her husband Guy Woodhouse. Rosemary and Guy, a struggling actor, move into an old apartment building called the Bramford. Their old friend Hutch (Maurice Evans, Planet Of The Apes, Bewitched) warns them that the Bramford has a famous and strange history with witches and satanists, but they move in anyway. Rosemary befriends a young woman named Terry who lives in the building with her neighbors, Roman and Minnie Castevet. She is shocked when Terry, who was supposedly a happy woman on the road to recovery from drug addiction, killed herself. Rosemary befriends the eccentric Castevets. Minnie even gives Rosemary a good luck necklace containing something called tannis root. Guy is cast in a role after the man who originally got it suddenly went blind. Rosemary and Guy decide to try to have a baby and on that night, Minnie gives the couple homemade chocolate mousse to go with their dinner. Rosemary insists it has an undertaste and disposes of most of it. She becomes dizzy and passes out on the bed. She dreams that she is surrounded by naked people from the apartment and is raped by a demon. She wakes up with scratches on her back as Guy apologizes for being to rough with her. Soon, Rosemary is pregnant and the Castevet's tell her to go see their friend, Dr. Abraham Sapirstein (Ralph Bellamy, The Awful Truth, His Girl Friday). He prescribes that Rosemary forgoes any vitamins in favor of a natural drink made by Minnie. Rosemary begins to lose weight and has terrible pains. On the day Hutch plans to see her, he falls into a deep coma. He soon dies and leaves Rosemary with a book on witches, leaving a cryptic message, “the name is an anagram”. She is able to deduce that Roman Castevet is actually Steven Marcato, the son of a famous witch and devil worshiper. She suspects that her neighbors are part of a satanic cult and becomes paranoid about all those around her, including Guy. Is Rosemary's baby really the product of a satanic cult and what will happen to her?

Satan has the dreamiest eyes

Rosemary's Baby is an intense, engrossing psychological horror film that wraps around the audience and doesn't let go. You're never quite sure if there really is a cult or if Rosemary is paranoid. This tension becomes unbearable as the audience wants to scream for her to run for her life. Thrills and suspense rage throughout most of the film and is quite exhausting by the end. The beginning of the film starts off slow and quite normal. Minnie Castevet is so wacky, the film might be mistaken for a situational comedy at certain points. For the first half hour, nothing really happens. The horror doesn't begin until the conception where the movie practically flips and switch and sends the audience into a tailspin of fear. We never fully see the demon, just hands and eyes, which I found disappointing. We didn't have to see everything in detail, but I think a little more could have sent the mind reeling.

The biggest reason why the movie succeeds is because of Mia Farrow. She is fantastic in the movie with her emotions laid bare and projected onto the audience. Her line “This is not a dream! This is actually happening” sticks in your brain and makes you feel supremely uncomfortable. She makes the character and the film itself far more believable than one would suspect from a satanic baby film. The supporting cast is equally as good and truly create a sense of horror and dread as the movie progresses. The ending is very good and ends on an uncomfortable down-note. The beginning and ending “la-la-la” music is great, but sparingly used, which is a shame because it could have been as iconic as the music from Halloween and Friday The 13^th. While I still hate Roman Polanski, I have to say that his direction helped create a dark atmosphere that hangs like a fog over the entire movie. If I have any complaints about the movie, it's that it is way too long. The 2-plus hour run time could have been cut down in certain scenes for a neater overall package.

Who wants pie?

I was able to separate the artist from the art in order to watch Rosemary's Baby and I'm glad I did. Rosemary's Baby is a scary, uncomfortable horror movie that sticks with you long after the credits have rolled. While overly long, the story is believable while still being supernatural. There is a lot of suspense and thrills with plenty of scares. Mia Farrow is great and gets a lot of help from a solid supporting cast. As I said before, I still hate Roman Polanski and wish to never watch another one of his movies again, but Rosemary's Baby is highly enjoyable.

8.5/10

Day 251: Jennifer's Body

Jennifer's Body

Wait, isn't she in high school? Have a seat over there...

Rarely do I feel like I am not the target audience when watching a horror movie. I fit into the coveted 18-34 male demographic so a lot of television shows and movies are aimed towards me in an effort to get my spending money. They joke is usually on them because I have no spending money, plus I'm not easily swayed by whatever is “in” at the moment. With 250 reviews this year, only once did I ever feel like a movie was not really created with my “bracket” in mind and that was the urban zombie/vampire movie “Dead Heist”. Even then, it was still a bloody testosterone fest. Will a movie about teenage girls written by (gulp) Diablo Cody (Juno, Young Adult) make me feel left out as well?

Jennifer's Body is a 2009 horror/black comedy movie starring Megan Fox (Transformers, Jonah Hex) as Jennifer Check and Amanda Seyfried (Mean Girls, Red Riding Hood) as her best friend Anita “Needy” Lesnicki. The movie is told mostly in flashback, starting with Needy in a women's mental institution explaining how she got there. One night, Jennifer takes Needy to a dive bar in their tiny Minnesota town, Devil's Kettle, to see an indie rock band called Low Shoulder. Jennifer flirts with the lead singer and Needy overhears him talking about her, guaranteeing she is a virgin. Needy confronts him, confirming she is a virgin (despite not being once since junior high school) in hopes of scaring him off. A fire breaks out during their set, killing several people, but Jennifer and Needy escape through a window. The singer from Low Shoulder convinces Jennifer to go with the band despite Needy's pleas for her not to. That night, Jennifer shows up at Needy's house, covered in blood. She vomits a black viscous liquid and leaves quickly. The next day, to Needy's surprise, Jennifer is perfectly normal. With the town in mourning, Jennifer lures the school's football to the woods in an effort to seduce him. She attacks, viciously disemboweling him and cannibalizing his body. Since the incident, Low Shoulder has become incredibly popular thanks to a rumor saying they saved people at the show. One day, Jennifer comes to school looking sick and weak. She accepts a date from emo kid Colin (Kyle Gallner, A Nightmare On Elm Street, The Haunting In Connecticut), killing and eating him later that night. After the murder, Needy nearly hits an almost feral Jennifer with her car. Jennifer explains that on the night of the accident, the band sacrificed her to the devil in order for the band to become famous. Because she was not a virgin, a demonic spirit took over her body, turning her into a succubus. In an effort to protect her boyfriend Chip, Needy breaks up with him and begs him not to go to the school dance. Needy goes to the dance to make sure Jennifer will not hurt anyone else. Little does she know that Jennifer meets Chip before the dance. How will Needy stop Jennifer and save the town?

Her gigantic eyes can see the future!

Jennifer's Body is one part Mean Girls and one part Carrie. A lot of the movie focuses on the toxic relationship between Jennifer and Needy. Jennifer is the pretty one, always taking from the doughty nerd, Needy. Female relationships have occasionally been addressed in horror, but never to the extent that Jennifer's Body does. I give the movie credit for trying to add a different type of substance to the horror genre. I never experienced anything like that in my own life, but the movie manages to convey the relationship well enough so that I didn't feel completely left out. The story itself is decent, though I don't understand why they told it in a flashback. The beginning and after portions weren't necessary and hurt the movie's momentum. The movie goes for that evasion comedic horror movie, but manages to miss both targets. The biggest problem for me is Diablo Cody's style of writing. I had to suffer through Juno and as much as I hated the “witty” dialogue from that movie, it at least made sense because it was a quirky indie movie. For every funny one-liner (and admittedly, there are a few) there are about 5 eye-rolling pieces of dialogue. It tries so hard to be hip that the movie becomes another high school flick with a few horror scenes. The movie tried to show some sort of weird psychological connection between the two girls, but it was never explained and just left me confused. The horror itself is decent with some good, but brief scenes of violence. There are also some good special effects, but again, they're brief. For a movie that's geared towards high school girls, it's weird that they made the movie rated R.

One thing that initially caused me some pause before watching the movie was the inclusion of Megan Fox. Now, I've never seen Transformers and have zero intention of ever doing so. Despite never seeing that effects-laden explosion fest, I have read countless criqitues of Ms. Fox's acting and didn't have high hopes of Jennifer's Body. The say “Never judge a book by it's cover” for a reason. Megan Fox is actually very good in this movie, convincingly pulling off both comedy and horror. Amanda Seyfried is good as well, though I wouldn't normally have casted her as the “nerdy” one. There are a few cameo scenes with J.K. Simmons (Spider-Man, OZ) and Amy Sedaris (Strangers With Candy, Elf) which were enjoyable. The movie does essentially ignore adults, making them goofy or just non-existant. I thought it was weird that the satanic band was an indie rock band. You'd think making them a heavy metal band would make more sense, if not a little cliched. Speaking of music, there are a few good bands played throughout the movie (The Sword, Screeching Weasel, It Dies Today), but there's also some weak indie rock that I could have done without.

 A little something for the boys that got dragged to see this

It's nice to see a horror movie focus on female characters and their relationship. Jennifer's Body isn't the first to do that, but it's probably the first to focus on it so much at the high school level. This focus does tend to drag on too much over the course of the movie. The Diablo Cody signature “snappy” dialogue is in full effect and becomes annoying. Saying a guy is “salty” instead of “hot” is neither funny, clever, or hip. It's just annoying. The horror is decent with some fun violence and gore, though I wonder why they geared the movie towards high school girls if they couldn't initially see it in theaters. That would probably help explain why it did poorly at the box office. The acting is surprisingly good, considering I was expecting the worst. Jennifer's Body has it's moments, but it's never as good as it thinks it is. The real travesty is that Jennifer's Body has a much longer and in-depth Wikipedia page than, say, the page for Invasion Of The Body Snatchers. Come one, people.

5/10

Day 160: Masters of Horror: Pro-Life

Masters of Horror: Pro-Life

Oh, baby, baby. How was I supposed to know?

Abortion is a very serious and personal issue. It's also one of the most divisive issues in the United States. There are plenty of horror movies based around Satanic pregnancies, Rosemary's Baby being the most well-known. I don't believe any of these movies ever focused on abortion, though. They may have been mentioned briefly or in passing, but it was never the entire basis of the movie. There's probably a good reason for that because most movies don't want to make the audience angry, one way or the other. Whatever you feel on the subject (Personally, I quote Jay from Dogma, “A woman's body her own fucking business.”), it's a very strong catalyst for a horror movie. With John Carpenter (Halloween, Escape from New York) in the director's chair, maybe he can avoid the minefield while creating a fun and scary movie.

"This orange is gigantic!"

Masters of Horror: Pro-Life stars Caitlin Wachs (The Legend of Bloody Mary, My Dog Skip) as Angelique and Ron Perlman (Hellboy, 5ive Girls) as her father Dwayne. Angelique is running in the woods when she crosses onto a road and is almost hit by Alex (Mark Feuerstein, Royal Pains, Defiance) and Kim (Emmanuelle Vaugier, Saw II, Smallville). They take her to the clinic they work at to make sure she is ok. Her father Dwayne pulls up to the clinic and is prevented from going inside due to a court order keeping him at least 500 feet from the facility. Abortions are performed at the clinic and Dwayne has made it his religious mission to stalk and harass the doctors. Angelique informs Alex that she is, in fact, pregnant. She says it happened last week, but she is much further along and Alex believes that her father raped her. She explains that something from under the ground grabbed her, pulled her down, and impregnated her. She wants an abortion, but is too far along in the pregnancy now. Dwayne is joined by his three sons and prays to God for guidance. He here's a voice telling him to protect the baby. All four arms themselves and break into the clinic. The kill the security guard and shoot it out with the head doctor who is fed up with being harassed. He kills one of the sons, but is shot and tortured by Dwayne. Meanwhile, Angelique goes into labor and gives birth to a monstrous demonic baby. Will Dwayne protect the baby when his real father comes for him and will Alex and Kim survive?

This is what awesome looks like

The story of a demonic pregnancy and baby is nothing new, but setting the story in a clinic is certainly different. The movie focuses a bit too much on the political back and forth between Dwayne and the clinic and not enough on horror. Believe me, I like social commentary, and the episode does it well, it's just too much for an hour long episode. Ron Perlman is awesome as always, so I don't mind him getting ample screen time. He is the real villain of the movie anyway. The entire “demon impregnating Angelique” story is very rushed and not given much thought. When the demon father is revealed, his look is a little disappointing. Derek Mears (Friday the 13^th, Predators) plays the demon and does these goofy poses. If you've ever seen the SyFy show “Face Off” you've probably seen the models do the same pose; bent at the knees, arms low and slight bent up, head arched back and moving around in a roaring motion. It comes off as silly and not scary. The demon baby, though, is extra creepy looking, sort of a mix between a spider, a crab, and a Cabbage Patch doll.

Even though John Carpenter was the director, you'd never know it. This easily could have been directed by just about anyone. Beyond some real good background music, there is nothing Carpentery (that should be a word) about Pro-Life. The baby does remind me of some of The Thing, but maybe because it is so horrifying. The movie has plenty of violence and a few scenes that will make you wince or cover your eyes. There is a decent amount of blood and enough action to keep things interesting. The acting is good throughout, though Caitlin Wachs is a bit annoying at times. Her screams were particularly grating and she does that for a good chunk of the movie. 

"I'm a demon! RAAAWWWR..um...RAAAWRR"

Masters of Horror: Pro-Life takes a tried and true horror genre and tries to put it in a different location. It's an interesting, if controversial, idea, but it doesn't really come off well. It's not very scary, more unsettling than anything. The acting is good for the most part, but the directing isn't special. There is lots of action and violence, but they really missed out on the entire demon portion of the story. I fell the hour-long format hurt the finer parts of the story and made everything feel rushed. While not the worst Masters of Horror, Pro-Life could have been a lot better.

5.5/10

Day 134: Blessed

Blessed

I can think of some curse words to describe this movie

Happy Mother's Day everyone! Be sure to treat your moms to a lovely brunch and give them something nice. They put up with you when you were a teenager, so they deserve it. There's a few Mother's Day and “mom” related horror movies out there. Maybe it was subconscious, but I watched didn't watch Blessed because it was a mother/pregnancy based horror movie. I really watched it because it had Heather Graham. I thought, “Hey, she's a real actress. Maybe this will be good.” Of course, if you've never heard of a movie before, there may be a reason for that.

Blessed is a 2004 horror/thriller starring Heather Graham (Boogie Nights, From Hell) as Samantha Howard and James Purefoy (Ironclad, John Carter) as her husband Craig. They are having trouble trying to conceive, so they briefly move to Lakeview, New York in order to receive treatments at the Spiritus Research Clinic. During the treatments, Samantha witnesses her neighbors being stalked by a hooded figure and they soon disappear. The clinic is involved with some experimental procedures and Samantha is given two eggs injected with a strange red liquid, supposedly to help increase her chance of conceiving. She learns that she is in fact pregnant with twins and they move back to the city to discover their apartment has been vandalized. They decide to move into the now empty house in Lakeview where their neighbors used to live. Craig, who is publishing a book, meets with strange publisher Earl Sidney who gives him $100,000 advance on his work. They adjust to live in Lakeview, but Samantha starts to have strange sensations and feels she is being followed by the same hooded figure from before. She meets an Italian priest, Father Carlo (Andy Serkis, Lord of the Rings, Deathwatch, who tries to warn her of the clinic and their dubious associations with a devil-worshiping cult. Supposedly the liquid injected into her eggs was the DNA of Lucifer. Father Carlo is convinced that she must kill the babies to keep from unleashing unspeakable evil in the world. Is all of this true and what does that mean for Samantha and her babies?

 And what about her giant, dinner plate-sized eyes?

 

This movie is a mess of half ideas and no ideas. It strives so hard to be Rosemary's Baby and it fails in every conceivable way. It is not scary, it is not creative, and it barely qualifies as horror. Throughout the first part of the movie, I thought they were going for the slow build, teasing the action and thrills for the second half. Then the second half occurred and still nothing. It wasn't a slow build, it was a no build. There is no flow to the story and the writing is just horrendous. If you want to see a slightly annoying couple have cutesy conversations, this movie is for you. Of course that's not the case because you want to see a horror movie. The injection of religion and the devil is muted, which is funny, considering this is supposed to be a Satanic baby movie. Why even bother if you're not going to go all out with the religious imagery? You might as well inject her with wolf DNA to make a werewolf baby or something equally stupid.

The acting is passable and is really the only thing that keeps the movie going. Heather Graham does well as the mother in trouble. Andy Serkis comes off as a bit weird in his role as Father Carlo, though I think that's just terrible character development and writing and not his acting ability. The direction is no good and the motivations of the characters are either confused or just non-existent. We see Samantha researching the clinic and finding it's weird connections with cloning. She couldn't have done that before, you know, being injected with devil juice? And why is Father Carlo the only one trying to stop this from happening? Where is the rest of the Church?

Jesus loves ya

Horror fans will be incredibly disappointed with his movie and fans of staying awake will also be disappointed. The story is weak along with the writing and directing. There is very little action and nothing particularly scary. Nothing if interest really happens and the ending is particularly stupid. Do yourself and you mother a favor and skip this movie. Happy Mother's Day.

2/10

Day 131: Ghoulies

Ghoulies

If you can even make it to the end

Sometimes you go into a movie expecting to see one movie and get another. It might be for the better or it might be for the worse, but you can't help but feel a little cheated. You wouldn't go into a sports movie and find out it's really a psychological thriller in a race against time to save the world. Most of the time, though, it's just bullshit advertising to suck you in, get your hard-earned money and give you the visual equivalent of a wedgie. This is one of those times.

Ghoulies is a 1985 horror/comedy starring Peter Liapis as Jonathan Graves, Lisa Pelikan (Lionheart, Julia) as Rebecca, and Michael Des Barres (Mulholland Dr., Waxwork II) as Malcolm Graves. Malcolm is a devil-worshipping magician who is about to kill his infant son Jonathan in a Satanic ritual. He is stopped by his wife and one of his followers, Wolfgang, escapes with the boy. Years later, a full grown Jonathan moves in to his father's mansion with his girlfriend Rebecca. They invite a group of friends over to celebrate when Jonathan discovers a ritual in one of his father's books. He conjures a spirit that enters his body, which convinces him to further explore the dark arts. Jonathan calls forth the ghoulies, little mutant creatures, to do his bidding, along with two little people in medieval clothes. Rebecca tries to stop him, but his powers are too strong, and he controls her mind. They once again invite their friends over, but this time, Jonathan uses his powers to raise his father Malcolm from the dead, who in turn kills all of their friends. Rebecca flees and is killed by one of the ghoulies. Will Jonathan snap out of it and stop his powerful father before it's too late?

Is that your hair or Satan's chamber pot on your head?

If you couldn't tell from my brief and painful description, this movie is fucking stupid. The plot is purely 1980's Hollywood's idea of what Satan and devil-worshiping is and how it looks. This was made around the time of mother's everywhere thinking their children were going to be kidnapped and murdered by cults. Beyond that, I really have no idea what's going on in this movie. I legitimately did not know this was supposed to be funny until I read that it was a comedy. I've seen World's Wildest Police Chases that were funnier than this movie. I have so many questions about this movie that it should be an entire category in Jeopardy. Why does Jonathan take so quickly to rituals and spells? Are his powers relegated to having green eyes and yelling a lot? How did he get the house and why were there just tons of black magic books lying around? Most importantly, WHY THE BLOODY HELL ARE THE GHOULIES INVOLVED?! I really see no point in having these demented Muppets in the movie since they really contribute nothing. They look decent, but they never really do much beyond killing a few people, and that doesn't even happen until 57 minutes in. Seriously, I made sure to check because they did nothing of note before that.

The acting in the movie is hilariously terrible, to the point where I thought they left in some bad takes. The special effects are poor as well. This just compounds the fact that this movie has a weak plot. I mean, who is supposed to be the hero of the movie? Jonathan is evil for about 85% of the movie, Rebecca puts up almost no fight and goes under Jonathan's control, and the friends are useless. Who am I supposed to cheer for? It doesn't really matter because I hate all of them, but still, you can't have a movie without a main protagonist. Maybe they were too busy designing the Ghoulies to come up with subtle things like a good story or stuff making sense.

(yawn)

Apparently, Ghoulies made a good amount of money in theaters, which could be attributed to a good advertising campaign. Congratulations, they managed to rip off a lot of people with a boring, nonsensical plot, pointless characters, and horrific special effects. The acting is very bad and the action is minimal. There is nothing cult or classic about this. I was expecting something similar to Gremlins or Demonic Toys, and was left with a ridiculous black magic/devil-worshipping movie filled with bad effects and even worse 80's hair. The worst part of it all is that there are at least three sequels including, and I am not making this up, Ghoulies III: Ghoulies Go To College. Kids, say no to drugs and say no to shitty movies.

1.5/10

Day 129: 5ive Girls

5ive Girls

I'd rather be at Five Guys

Ron Perlman is pretty awesome. He's been an actor on the big and small for many years and has lent his voice to the popular cartoon, Teen Titans. Heck, anyone that can play the weird 80's Beast from Beauty and the Beast show and still have a career should be praised anyway. His run as main character from the Hellboy franchise is probably one of his most popular roles, but he's also starred in a few horror movies as well. He's been in I Sell The Dead, Mutant Chronicles, and Alien Resurrection just to name a few. While the quality of his horror movies range from good to not so good, Ron Perlman has always been a a bright spot. Can the same be said for the movie with a number in it's name instead of a letter? Would Ron Perlman be able to make a possession movie be exciting?

5ive Girls is a 2006 Canadian horror movie starring Ron Perlman (Enemy At The Gates, Hellboy) as Father Drake and Jennifer Miller (Lucky Number Slevin, American Pie: The Naked Mile) as Alex, a young woman with psychic powers. Five years ago, a student at the Catholic school St. Mark's named Elizabeth was attacked by a demonic force. Father Drake rushed to save her, but was powerless to stop the demon, and Elizabeth vanished without a trace. Cut to the present day, St. Mark's has just reopened as a sort of reform school for five troubled girls. Under the strict rule of Headmistress Pearce (Amy LaLonde), Alex and the four other girls are subjected to harsh punishments. Alex begins to have visions of Elizabeth roaming the halls and reveals this to the other girls. It turns out they all have supernatural powers and abilities, Connie is a conduit, Mara can heal, Leah can pass through objects, and Cecilia has ESP. It turns out that Miss Pearce has actually brought the girls together in an effort to conduct a satanic ritual that will bring Elizabeth back. Each girl is possessed and murdered by the demon Legion of New Testament fame, bringing Miss Pearce closer to bringing back Elizabeth, who turns out to be her sister. With Father Drake dead, will Alex and Mara be able to stop Legion and Miss Pearce?

Shalom!

I posted a question earlier asking if Ron Perlman could make a generic movie great. To answer that question in one word, “No.” In two words, “Hell no.” In three, “Hell fucking no!” That's not to say Perlman doesn't put in a good performance, because he does, it's just not enough to pull the movie out of the depths of cliché hell. I do think it's funny though that a nice Jewish boy like Ron has played a priest in more than one movie.  All the usual religious/satanic symbols and symbolism are present; the pentagrams, the “demonic” voice, the blood, the crosses. Even if you haven't watched many of these movies, you'll feel like you've seen it all before and will be endlessly bored. With these movies, there is the possibility where you may actually learn something. As a non-Christian/Catholic, I was not particularly familiar with who or what Legion is. They gave a quick description, certainly not enough to really explain the whole backstory and just why the hell he made Elizabeth disappear and why he's back now.

Beyond the weak story, the problems lie within the acting and the special effects. The acting ranges from passable to cringe-worthy. The direction is off in some places, with angsty rock music being played in scenes that don't really need it. It doesn't help that they are given some truly terrible dialogue that sounds like it came from a bad CW teen soap drama. Some jokes and witty banter are tossed in and it just kills the flow of the movie. The special effects are pretty bad and really hurt the overall horror. There are some action scenes, but the overall feel of Catholic school girls running around comes off more like a soft core adult film.

Those effects are "special" alright

5ive Girls (not to be confused with the instrumental metal band or the boy band 5ive) is a typical religion vs. Satan story that has nothing going for it beyond Ron Perlman. I may not have watched the movie if he wasn't starring in it. He does a fine job, but he gets zero help from his supporting cast. The story is painfully cliched, the acting is poor, and the effects are unfortunate. By the end, I didn't care if the characters lived, died, or mushrooms grew out of their asses. Wait, that last one might have at least been interesting. Overall, 5ive Girls will give you the sense of deja vu from a movie you already hate.

3/10

Day 99: Masters of Horror: Fair-Haired Child

Masters of Horror: Fair-Haired Child

Chew souls with your mouth closed

Happy Easter for those that celebrate it. I've been on the road most of the day so I'll try to keep this short and sweet since I am recovering from white-line fever. I know there are some Easter-related horror movies out there, but unfortunately that are not easy to come by via streaming. So, I did the next best thing and watched a movie about resurrection. That's close enough, right?

Fair-Haired Child stars Lindsay Pulsipher (CSI:NY, The Beast) as the outcast teenager, Tara. Tara is hit by a van on her way home from school and kidnapped by a man. She wakes up in a hospital bed with a nurse named Judith (Lori Petty, Tank Girl, A League Of Their Own) by her side. Judith informs Tara that she is in Vermont and allows her to call her mom. Tara's mom is completely out of it and is of no help. Judith asks Tara some strange questions like if she has been baptized and if she is a virgin. Tara finds out that she is not in a hospital, but in fact an estate in Maine and tries to escape. She is grabbed by Antoine, the man that hit her with the van and she is thrown into a cellar with no stairs. Inside the cellar, Tara finds a mute teenage boy trying to hang himself. She stops him and the two bond over their predicament. His name is Johnny and he can only communicate by writing words in dust. There are messages written on the walls including one to “Beware the fair-haired child.” Johnny transforms into a hideous demon and chases after Tara. She is able to avoid him long enough until he reverts back to human form. It is revealed that Johnny is the son of Judith and Antoine and that he drowned 12 years ago. They cut a deal with the devil to resurrect Johnny in exchange for killing 1 child per year for 12 years. Will Tara be able to survive and help Johnny?

This never would have happened to Dottie

Interesting. That's the best way to describe Fair-Haired Child. It's an interesting episode of Masters of Horror. It's not necessarily good nor bad, and for whatever reason I can't really put my finger on why. The movie has an original twist to the usual dead child resurrection story. The transitions to present and flashbacks are a bit clunky and a little difficult to follow. One flashback uses some creative effects and shots, which were cool to look at, but didn't really fit in with the rest of the movie. No other flashbacks looked like it so I'm confused as to why the bothered to do it in the first place. The demon creature Johnny turns into is also worth mentioning. It's herky-jerky movements are played out and it's a little funny looking (in a bad way). The shots from the demon's perspective via night vision are a good idea, but we don't really see anything of note, once again raising the question of “why bother?”

Lori Petty does a good job in her role of the obsessed mother. She has a stone-cold look to her that just screams “evil villain.” Lindsay Pulsipher is decent, though she did get on my nerves at some points. She must have said “Johnny” about 30 times in this movie, but I guess you can blame the writers for that. It kind of bothered me that Judith let Tara call her mother. Why give her the chance to call anyone. Hell, why bother with the whole hospital/nurse ruse? You already kidnapped her, why not just dump her in the cellar to begin with and save yourself the trouble? It makes no sense. NO SENSE!

Black metal is just weird some times

Don't get me wrong, Fair-Haired Child isn't a bad movie. It had some excitement and good pacing. I wanted to see what happened and what was going to happen, so the movie does deserve credit for that. The plot holes were hard to ignore and the monster was too funny looking to be scarey. Lori Petty has a great performance and should be in more horror movies. It's worth a watch if you have nothing better to do or if you're too full of chocolate and candy to move.

6/10

Day 78: The Violent Kind

The Violent Kind

The militant wing of the Girl Scouts

Usually when I pick a random horror movie to watch, I get burned. I'll get suckered in with a cool poster, a description that sounds vaguely interesting, or one actor I like will be in it. Most of the time, they are completely terrible and I feel dumber for watching it. This is not one of those times. A biker horror movie? Don't think I've heard that too often. It was a shot in the dark and that shot definitely hit the target.

The Violent Kind stars Cory Knauf as Cody, a member of the biker gang “The Crew.” Joined by leader Q and Elroy, The Crew head up to a secluded house to celebrate Cody's mother's birthday. Cody's sister and Q's girlfriend, Shade is there, as well as Cody's ex-girlfriend Michelle and her sister Megan. After the party, Michelle leaves with her current boyfriend, leaving her sister behind. Megan and Cody get to talking and share a moment. A blood-soaked Michelle appears at the house and faints. Megan tends to her sister while Cody, Q, and Elroy walk down the road to find Michelle's boyfriend mauled by some unknown creature. When they return, they find that their car no longer works and they are too far from town to get help. A now-possessed Michelle violently attacks Elroy, biting a chunk out of his throat and clawing his face. They chain Michelle to the bed while they try to think of a way to get help. Meanwhile, strange flashes of light and shadowy figures are seen moving around outside the house. The figures are a group of 50's style greasers that have come for the spirit possessing Michelle. They punch, stab, shoot and torture Cody, Q, Shade, and Megan. Why do these throwbacks want Michelle and how can Cody and Megan stop them?

Hey, what kind of paint do you use?

The Violent Kind succeeds with it's mystery, suspense and downright awesome acting. You don't know exactly what is going to happen throughout most of the movie, which creates a strong air of suspense. Quick flashes of light and the shots of the greasers wandering around the house keep you interested in what happens next. Whereas a movie like The House of The Devil builds the entire movie around suspense and nothing else, Violent Kind actually gives you a good amount of action and blood to keep the audience entertained. The leader of the greasers, Vernon, is played by Joe Egender (The Mentalist, Alcatraz) and he is absolutely fantastic. He is over-the-top in the best way possible. He is both endearing and terrifying at the same time and is complimented by the solid job of his greaser crew. I seriously look forward to seeing some of his future work.

This movie has the strong feeling of being three separate movies that were mushed together. The “possessed demon in the secluded house “ part of the movie clearly brings Evil Dead to mind, the scenes with the crazy greasers gleefully torturing the Crew reminds me of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and the explanation reminds me of Lord of Illusions and Exorcist. The Violent Kind does a fine job of paying homage, but it's just not cohesive. I did get a little bit lost when it came to the possession and devil-worshiping bits. It wasn't very clear and felt a bit rushed. I think the movie would have been fine just with either the weird possession genre or the evil family of torturers. 

Don't blow your top

The Violent Kind certainly puts it's own unique spin on multiple horror genres. Great acting, good makeup and blood, and some serious action will keep you entertained throughout. The first 2/3 of the movie are really solid, but it does kind of peter out towards the end with a slightly confusing reveal. If this movie has taught me anything, it is that there needs to be more 50's style characters in horror movies. Daddy-o.

8/10