Day 69: Bloodrayne

Bloodrayne

Shitstorm

I knew what I was getting into when I decided to watch Bloodrayne. All the warning signs were there; video game movie, horrible reviews, Uwe freaking Boll directing. But like a person in a horror movie sticking their head out the door to see if the cost was clear, I knew it wasn't going to end well. I've seen plenty of bad video game movies, but usually I have some idea of what the video game was about. I've never played Bloodrayne, so I'd watch with no preconceptions of the characters or story. That way I'd have no idea how bad the movie actually was in comparison.

Bloodrayne follows the story of Rayne, (Kristianna Loken, Terminator 3) a half-human, half-vampire hybrid called a Dhamfir. Rayne breaks free from her captures at a traveling freakshow and discovers her vampiric hunger and powers, though she is susceptible to water and immune to crucifixes. Rayne is the daughter of Kagan, (Ben Kingsley, Ghandi, Schindler's List) the most powerful vampire in the world. Rayne plans to kill Kagan for murdering her mother and seeks out a mystical eye that grants her powers and gains the attention of Kagan. The eye belonged to a vampire named Belial that had found a way to overcome vampire weaknesses. Two other body parts are scattered throughout the land and Kagan wants them. Kagan sends his soldiers to kill Rayne, but she escapes. Rayne meets up with Sebastian (Matthew Davis, Below), Vladimir (Michael Madsen, Kill Bill, Reservoir Dogs) and Katarin (Michelle Rodriguez, Resident Evil, Machete), all members of the vampire-hunting group, The Brimstone Society. Sebastian trains Rayne to fight and they fall in love. Will they be able to find the body parts and kill Kagan?

And will they be able to find her a decent costume?

There are so many things wrong with this movie that I almost don't know where to start. I have no idea if the story or characters are close to the video game, so we can just skip that. The story is simplistic and horrendously convoluted. It bounces around without explanation and let's the audience figure it out for themselves. Why does water hurt Rayne? Why was she part of a freakshow and why couldn't she escape? Why didn't Kagan find these body parts earlier? Bloodrayne actually has a pretty big cast of real actors and it's shocking how bad they all are. The acting is just as painful. Kristianna Loken is very pretty, but is just not convincing. Michael Madsen delivers his lines with all the passion of a turnip and his wig would make Tom Hanks' hair in The Da Vinci Code scream in terror. Michelle Rodriguez tries to speak with an accent, but no one else does, so why bother? Ben Kingsley, who won a freaking Oscar, looks like he knows he's in a terrible movie and wants to be anywhere else but there. Billy Zane has a bit of the charm he had in Demon Knight. Even Meatloaf makes an appearance as a sweaty pervert vampire. These are all real actors (well, Loken, hasn't been in much). How did they all manage to range from mediocre to god-awful?

There is a decent amount of action throughout with tons of blood and gore. Can you say “blood fountain”? How about “stabbed in the face with a sword”? That's not to say the action scenes are good. While the ultra-violence is a fun distraction, sword fighting in movies takes weeks of practice. There are some scenes where you can see the actors slow down their swings to make sure the swords hit. The direction is bad, but what else would you expect from Uwe Boll?

I get paid to make terrible movies!

The ultimate goal of a video game movie is to sell the product. After watching Bloodrayne, I don't even want to play other video games. I'd rather see “Pong: The Movie” than sit through this again. It has a confusingly bad story, terrible acting, and Uwe Boll directiong. Bloodrayne is like a terrible movie turducken. Sometimes it's fun to watch a bad horror movie. Not this time. Avoid Bloodrayne like vampires avoid the sunlight.

2/10