Masters of Horror: The V Word
Not Va-jay-jay
Best to get this out of the way now; the V word probably isn't what you think it is. Some might think it would be vegetable or venom or, if you're like me, you thought it stood for vagina. I blame the Vagina Monologues for that one. Unfortunately, the Masters of Horror version of the V word stands for vampire. Sigh, well I guess that's good too.
The V Word starts off with bored friends Kerry (Arjay Smith, The Day After Tomorrow) and Justin (Branden Nadon) deciding to go see a dead body at a funeral home. Justin's cousin James is supposed to let them in but he is nowhere to be found. The door is unlocked and the wander through the creepy funeral home, jumping at every sound and shadow. Justin walks up to a body with a bloody sheet on top and discovers his cousin James has had his throat ripped out. Another body rises from the table, revealing itself to be a vampire. The vampire chases after the guys and feeds on Kerry while Justin escapes to his home. Terrified, Justin calls the police, but they do not believe his story. He is shocked to see Kerry at his front door. Kerry bites him and his transformation into a vampire begins. Justin struggles with his hunger and the changing world around him. Kerry and Justin head to Justin's father's house where Kerry tries to persuade Justin to drink his blood. Justin refuses, so Kerry kills his father. It is revealed that Kerry is working for the vampire that turned him, their former teacher Mr. Chaney (Michael Ironside, Total Recall, Scanners). Mr. Chaney kidnaps Justin's sister in an effort to drink blood and fully turn him into a vampire. Will Justin refuse and save his sister or give in to the dark side?
For the first 20 or so minutes, just about nothing happens. The scenes involving the funeral home are way too long, especially for a Masters of Horror episode. The hour-long format doesn't allow too much time to hang around and than scene lingers like a Rush Limbaugh stench. Unfortunately, there really isn't that much story to tell. If you've seen one vampire movie, you've pretty much seen The V Word. It's entirely possible that I need my eyes checked, but it looked like every vampire in this movie didn't have vampire fangs. It just looked like regular teeth. How can you miss the most basic thing in a vampire movie?
Maybe Douglas Quaid stole his vampire teeth
Both Justin and Kerry are made to be very, very unlikable. They're supposed to be friends, but their interactions are very confrontational and, frankly, douchey. It doesn't help that Branden Nadon looks like he just fell out of a Jonas Brothers poster. Throughout the movie, I had a strong urge to just smash him in the face. If you don't like the main character, you won't feel sympathy for him, and if you don't feel sympathy and empathy, you don't care what happens. Michael Ironside was awesome as always, but only came up in the second half of the movie, where the interest and action picks up. There is some decent violence and the make-up used for wounds is top-notch. The music used is a weird mix of keys, beats, and organ. It's very distracting.
Who wants Beefaroni?!
I have to say, this may be my least favorite Masters of Horror yet. An pretty uninspired story with some weak dialogue and annoying music. The beginning is unnecessarily slow and most of the characters are unlikable. Michael Ironside is great in his role as the creepy vampire, but he doesn't get much help from his supporting cast. The story picks up towards the end with some decent action and suspense. If you like vampire movies, you might find The V Word worth your time, but you still even then, you may still feel disappointed.
4/10
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