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Friday, March 23, 2012

Day 83: The Beast of Bray Road

The Beast of Bray Road
The Shit of Shitty Shit

I haven't watched a werewolf movie in a while. The genre hasn't really interested me since Teen Wolf. I see the appeal of the animalistic nature in man and all that jazz. I just don't think there are a lot of stories to tell. All that being said, it was time to dive into a werewolf movie. The Beast of Bray Road is based on an urban legend. Ok, that sounds interesting. I'll give it a shot. Press Play. “The Asylum Presents.” Oh hell.

I'm going to put about as much effort into this review as they did in this movie. A werewolf is terrorizing a small Wisconsin town and it's up to a sheriff that looks strangely like Zach Braff, whom I shall now refer to as Brach Zaff, to stop it. Brach is skeptical of the local legends telling of the beast. Unfortunately for him, he's a terrible sheriff and so are his fellow policemen. Various situations are created for local townspeople to be alone on the road that the werewolf is known to haunt. The werewolf tears them all to pieces, feasting on the soft flesh and chewy insides. It's ok though because the town is filled with terrible people, other than his girlfriend Kelly, that all hate the sheriff. Brach is joined by some sort of scientist that doesn't really offer much to the story or really much of a purpose. Will Brach Zaff be able to stop the werewolf and save the town that hates him for some reason? And will he be able to get back to Sacred Heart to fall in love with Elliot Reed?

I wonder what Turk and Carla are up to

As you can clearly see, there wasn't much to The Beast of Bray Road and I hated every second of it. It's very low budget, but that's no excuse for a terrible story and horrific acting. What barely passes as a story is unoriginal and uninspired with a stupid twist ending. A werewolf attacks a town and the sheriff has to stop it. Yawn. Give me something to work with. Instead of making the audience feel sympathetic to the people being eaten, we're shown that they're drunk rednecks that like to fight and generally be terrible. Brach Zaff's terrible police work doesn't make matters any better. He finds an abandoned car on the road and sees blood on the door. Instead of calling in backup or checking the surrounded area for a hurt person, he takes a swab of the blood for a DNA test. When he informs his other policemen of what he did, they laugh at him. Not because he's a dumb ass that would flunk out of Hamburger University, but because he's doing too much police work. They laugh off the blood and think nothing of it. Remind me never to go to Bray Road. The police aren't going to help.

The beast itself looks like a man in a black Chewbacca costume and a bob Marley wig. The mask does look decent, but that might be because they only show quick shots of it. The movie does have some very violent moments and loads of blood and guts. You end of cheering for the werewolf because he's ridding the world of sweaty mouth breathers that think TNA Impact Wrestling is a real sport. This werewolf deserves a metal, not a silver bullet. And the movie has the balls to thank the people of Wisconsin. The best way they could have thanked them was to destroy every copy of this movie. All that being said, at least there was a werewolf in the movie, unlike “Wolves of Wall Street,” so I suppose it could have been worse.

And I hope you like jammin' too

Other than a few scenes of violence and blood, there are no redeeming qualities to The Beast of Bray Road. The acting is painfully bad and the story is boring and lame. Once again, The Asylum manages to make a terrible movie, take a shit on it, pour some garbage juice all over it and serve it to the masses in hopes of making a small profit. It's my fault for not turning it off as soon as I saw their name attached. Lucky for you, now you know not to make the same mistake.


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