Tales From The
Crypt: Bordello Of Blood
Oh, 1996
The 1990's were a
simpler time. The economy was going strong, Bill Clinton was
president, people still used America Online, and people were
generally happier. It was also the prime time for the Tales From The
Crypt television series on HBO. Based on the 1950's EC Comics horror
series, Tales From The Crypt used a mixture of horror and humor to
create an entertaining horror anthology. By being on HBO, TFTC had
the freedom from basic television censorship. This allowed the series
to have more adult content, more violence, and more nudity. Thanks to
the success of the show, Tales From The Crypt came out with a trilogy
of movies. I've already reviewed Demon Knight and Ritual, so it's
time to complete the trilogy with a horror movie starring...Dennis
Miller. Damn you, 90's!
Tales From The
Crypt: Bordello Of Blood is a 1996 horror comedy movie starring
Dennis Miller (Joe Dirt, The Dennis Miller Show) as Rafe Guttman. The
movie begins with a man named Vincent (Phil Fondacaro, Evil Bong,
Sabrina, The Teenage Witch) exploring a forest in South America.
Joined by a few locals, Vincent enters a cave, believing the treasure
he seeks is inside. The group discovers a coffin containing the
skeleton of Lilith (Angie Everhart, Last Action Hero, Denial).
Vincent places her still-beating heart back inside the skeleton,
bringing Lilith back to life. The revived Lilith kills the locals,
but Vincent reveals he is carrying the Key from Demon Knight, which
contains the blood of Jesus inside. The key causes prevents Lilith
from hurting Vincent and the two team up and make their way to the
United States. We are then introduced to church worker Katherine
(Erika Eleniak, Under Siege, The Beverly Hillbillies) who tries to
prevent her delinquent brother Caleb (Corey Feldman, The Lost Boys,
Stand By Me) from going out and getting into trouble. He ignores her
and goes to a bar with his friends, meeting a strange biker who tells
them of a brothel in town. Caleb and one of his friends travel to the
address, which turns out to be a funeral home. They are placed in a
coffin which goes down into the secret brothel. To their horror, the
prostitutes are vampires being led by Lilith. When Caleb disappears,
Katherine tries to get the police to search for him, but they are no
help. Private detective Rafe Guttman overhears Katherine and offers
his services to help her. After picking up some leads, Rafe sneaks
into the bordello and discovers that the money raised there is given
to the church where Katherine works. He returns the next night and
meets with one of the prostitutes who is horrified when she sees
Rafe's cross. He escapes, but Lilith is able to find him and tries to
seduce him. Katherine receives a frantic call from Caleb and Rafe
joins her to find him. Caleb has been turned into a vampire and
captures Katherine and puts Rafe in the hospital. Joined by Reverend
Current, who is looking to redeem himself for profiting off the
deaths of sinners, Rafe fills Super Soakers with holy water and heads
to the brothel. Will they be able to save Katherine and kill Lilith
before it's too late?
There are worse ways to go
Movies always run
the risk of casting someone who is popular at the time the movie is
being made. Dennis Miller's television show on HBO was quite popular
in the mid-90's and was known from his time at Saturday Night Live.
His acting resume, though, wasn't particularly long and it showed in
Bordello Of Blood. The movie tries so desperately to be funny, and
while a few puns can elicit a chuckle, most fail to make the audience
even crack a smile. The jokes come too quickly, mostly in the form of
one-liners delivered by Miller's unique brand of comedy, which comes
off as too sarcastic for the role. Action movies can be funny, it's
just all in the delivery. Bruce Willis in Die Hard is a perfect
example as his sarcasm is well-placed and well-timed. If John McClane
made obscure topical references instead of saying “Yippy kay-yay,
motherfucker” the movie wouldn't have worked. Angie Everhart is
good in her role, though she is forced to spout some cringe-worthy
one-liners of her own. Erika Eleniak does well and I appreciate the
idea of making a former Playboy Playmate a church worker. Chris
Sarandon is quite entertaining as the reverend as well.
Bordello Of Blood
also tries to have a lot of action, which is more successful than the
comedy. The violence is delightfully over-the-top and with gore and
blood by the buckets. The movie has exploding vampires, beheadings,
dismemberments, and everything in-between. The makeup and special
effects look very good and convincing. The story of a bordello filled
with prostitutes is actually quite creative and I'm surprised more
horror movies haven't tried to emulate it. One thing I noticed about
the movie, was that during the vampire fighting scene, Rafe and the
reverend used water guns filled with holy water. If that sounds
familiar, From Dusk Till Dawn had the same idea and the same year
that Bordello Of Blood came out. It is entirely possible that it was
a coincidence and I have no idea who came up with it first, but
compared to the greatness of From Dusk Till Dawn, Bordello ends up
looking silly. Speaking of silly, my autocorrect is filling in
“Bordello of Blood” with “Bordello of Bloodsport”. That is a
movie that needs to happen as soon as possible.
Hole in one
Originally, the
trilogy was to include “Dead Easy”, “Demon Knight”, and “Body
Count”. For whatever reason, only Demon Knight was actually made
with Bordello of Blood and Ritual replacing the other two movies.
Demon Knight is referenced a few times in the movie, such as a poster
on Caleb's wall, and the inclusion of the key was a nice touch. The
problem, though, is the key is destroyed in Bordello of Blood.
Doesn't that mean the world will end, since the key was the only
think keeping the demons from destroying the world in Demon Knight?
Why include the key and express it's importance, just to destroy it
and ignore the ramifications? I guess it doesn't matter since
Bordello Of Blood did so poorly at the box office, essentially
killing the TFTC movie series. When Ritual was released, it didn't
even include the “Tales From The Crypt” banner or an intro from
the Crypt Keeper. Thankfully, the Crypt Keeper was still in this
movie, bringing his goofy puns and macabre jokes to the table. The
inclusion of William Sadler (The Shawshank Redemption, Die Hard 2)
during the Crypt Keeper's scenes were fun.
Please, no more Chelsea Clinton jokes
Bordello Of Blood
has some fun vampire action and lots of blood and gore. It's
cartoonish violence, but it is still entertaining. The cast is a
who's who of the early-to-mid 1990's with most putting in decent
performances. Dennis Miller essentially plays Dennis Miller, cracking
wise without making the audience crack a smile. His acting career
wasn't long as he spent a brief time not being funny on Monday Night
Football and is currently a conservative commentator being funny for
all the wrong reasons. The movie tries too hard being funny with bad
jokes made worse by Miller's delivery. The movie never reaches the
level of it's predecessor in terms of horror or genuine humor, but it
still has it's entertaining moments.There is a considerable amount of nudity, adult content, and violence, so it may not be for younger viewers. If you need something goofy and
violent, you could do worse than Bordello Of Blood. It's watchable,
but should have been much better.
5/10
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