The Worst Of 365 Days Of Horror

A "Worst Of" list from all the movies I have reviewed

Going down

 

I gave you the best, now here's the worst. When you watch 365 horror movies, you're bound to find a whole bunch of duds. When a horror movie is great, it is truly great. It's far easier to make a bad movie than a good one and it's very apparent in horror. Go to your local Wal-Mart, convenience store, or gas station and you'll probably see a pile of cheap horror movies, most of which you've never heard of. This project allowed me to see some truly great classic horror movies. It also allowed me to see some of the worst bits of entertainment committed to film. There were some movies that were so bad that I couldn't even get through them. While I could probably write for days about each terrible movie, below is a comprehensive list of the worst offenders, split into sub genres. Hope you enjoy my hate!

Worst Overall Movie

H.P. Lovecraft's The Tomb

How can one movie get something things wrong? H.P. Lovecraft is one of my favorite writers, but for whatever reason, most of the movies based off his work are terrible. I can't say that The Tomb falls into this category because it does not follow the Lovecraft story. I mean, at all. The original story is a great work of the macabre. The movie is just a confused, muddled mess of nothingness. I understand that budget constraints make some of his grander stories hard to create. The Tomb doesn't have that problem because there is no budget. I have no idea who the characters are or what is going on in this movie. The acting is horrible and the direction is almost non-existant. The best part of the movie is when I stopped watching it. Easily the worst out of 365 movies.

Runner-Up: The Zombie Diaries

Zombie Movie (Romero)

Survival of the Dead

It's no secret that I love George Romero's original “...Of The Dead” trilogy. They are what got me into a horror. While some of his non-zombie movies have been less than stellar, he is still the godfather of the undead. Like criticizing your favorite band for putting out an album that you don't like, I find it hard to point out the problems in Survival Of The Dead. Not because there aren't any (believe me, there are plenty) it's just that it's almost painful to see where things went wrong. I appreciate that the story connects with Diary Of The Dead as it adds a nice touch of continuity. Unfortunately, the rest of the story feels incredibly forced and, at times, confusing. Why are there two Irish families feuding on some island in America? And more importantly, why do we care? There is some decent action, but nowhere near the level of brutal violence and gore we've come to expect from a Romero zombie movie. Rather than going out with a bang, Survival ends the second zombie trilogy with a sad whimper.

Runner-up: Diary of the Dead

Zombie Movie (non-Romero)

The Zombie Diaries

A picture is worth a thousand words. The cover for The Zombie Diaries dvd looks like a fun, action-packed zombie bloodfest. None of that happens in this shaky found-footage borefest. It starts off relatively interesting, but the action never picks up. The story is as excruciatingly slow as the snail-paced zombies. It jumps between different groups of people, whom the audience does not know or care about. I was left bored and confused the entire length of the movie. The ending tries to be shocking, but by the time I reached the end, I just didn't care. It's shocking that they actually made a sequel to this movie considering just how bad the original is. I highly recommend that you stay far away from this movie.

Runner-up: The Quick and the Dead

Vampire Movie

Bloodrayne

Just about everything in this movie is bad, but what do you expect from Director Uwe Boll. He's the reverse Midas. Everything he touches turns to garbage. I knew that the movie was going to be bad before I watched it, it was just a matter of how bad. The story is moronic, the acting is terrible, and Michael Madsen's wig should be considered a dangerous animal. At least the movie has lots of blood and violence. Stupid, pointless violence, but violence nonetheless. I've never played the video game, so I can't compare and contrast it with the movie. Either way, Bloodrayne is further proof that video games should never be made into movies.

Runner-Up: Against the Dark

Werewolf Movie

Wolves Of Wall Street

There are no werewolves in this movie. None. Zero. Nada. Sure, there are some wolf sounds and some suggestive shadows, but no actual, on-screen shots of werewolves. I regret watching this movie so early into 365 DoH. If I had watched it later on, I would have been able to rip it apart even more. The story is goofy in the made-for-tv sense. It's clearly made on the the cheap and shots of the moon are reused so many times that it deserves top billing. There's no real horror or suspense to speak of. The only redeeming quality for the entire movie is that Elisa Donovan is in it. Beyond that, Wolves of Wall Street is just a pile of terrible.

Runner-Up: The Beast Of Bray Road

Monster Movie

Creature

Monster movies shouldn't be complicated. The old Universal monster movies got it right. Nowadays, monster movies need wild gimmicks to separate themselves from the plethora of horror movies that are churned out every day. The first 30 minutes are passable. Not good, but passable. It's not until the story finally kicks in that things fall off the rails, catch on fire, and crash into the side of a mountain. It's a goofy, convoluted legend about a man turning into some sort of alligator. It could have been fun in a SyFy sense, but it's not executed in a way where the story can be enjoyed. There are scenes of incest and sexual assault throughout the movie and neither are portrayed in a negative light. The monster does not look good and there is not as much violence as you'd expect. There's a reason why Creature made the least amount of money ever for a wide-release movie.

Runner-Up: Monsters

Foreign Movie

Ju-On

This one is partially my fault as I thought I would be watching the original Japanese version of The Grudge. I was half-right as there are certain parts of this movie in the American remake. I found the movie really hard to follow, even beyond language and cultural differences. It's relatively short, but still manages to bounce around between characters too much. I could not forge a strong connection to any characters because they would be out of the movie within 15 minutes. There are some unsettling moments and some decent suspense, but the movie lacks the proper amount of action. Most of the violence is implied and while there is a decent amount of blood, some special effects are less than convincing. Ju-On isn't horrendously bad, it's just not good.

Runner-Up: Dead Cert

Slasher Movie

Rocktober Blood

Despite being quite bad, Rocktober Blood has a special place in my heart. I fondly remember watching it (on VHS!) with my friend and laughing at how ridiculous it is. As far as slashers go, it's not suspenseful or scary, just silly. The idea of a killer that comes back from the grave to kill again is not particularly original, but it doesn't matter as the killer is portrayed in such a way that no one anywhere ever could be afraid of him. The one good takeaway is that the music in the movie is performed by the metal band Sorcery. The songs are extremely catchy. Don't believe me? Well check out this song and see if you're not humming it later on. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvB78T2KUFc

Runner-Up: Bloody Birthday

Horror Comedy

Shocker

Wait, this movie was supposed to be funny? It's the worst type of horror comedy when the movie is neither scary nor funny. Even the Scary Movie series manages to force a chuckle once in a while. Shocker tries to give us some slapstick physical comedy, but it's so hackneyed that the Three Stooges would blush. The story of an executed killer gaining electric super powers and the main character being able to have weird visions doesn't make much sense, even for a horror movie. Things just kind of happen throughout with no regard for continuity or the audience's sanity. The biggest insult of all is that Wes Craven wrote and directed this terrible movie. It would have been scarier to see Rush Limbaugh naked. Funnier too.

Runner-Up: Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes

Demonic Movie

The Devil's Rock

Sometimes you take a chance on the movie, having no prior knowledge to guide your decision. It might lead you to a pleasant surprise, much like when I watched Pontypool. Then again, it might lead you to The Devil's Rock. I was drawn in by the World War II aspect of the movie. I feel that there is a serious lack of good war-based horror movies and always like to give them a chance. Unfortunately, The Devil's Rock is a boring story about some sort of demon being held in a German bunker. The cast is razor thin as I believe there are only 4 people with speaking roles in the entire film. The demon's mind games are as predictable as the characters actions, leaving me bored and annoyed. It doesn't help that the demon looks stereotypical and cartoonish. You might actually find a better demon at your next Halloween party. By the end, I didn't care what happened and just wanted the movie to be over. So much for good war-based horror. You win some, you lose some.

Runner-Up: Blessed

Stephen King Movie

Maximum Overdrive

Stephen King is one of the the best horror writers in the modern era. Just about everyone has either read or seen one of his works. Unfortunately, some of his stories have received less than favorable treatments on the big screen. Well, if you want something right, do it yourself. Maximum Overdrive is King's directorial debut. Of course, this was during his coked-up 80's faze and it shows. The killer machine idea is nothing new, but their portrayal in this movie is far too silly to be considered scary. The movie gets stuck in one location and drags on for too long. Emilio Estevez is fine in his role, though not much was required of him. As a first-time director King was passable. Still, the story is better suited for an episode of the Twilight Zone and not a full-length movie. The wailing soundtrack by AC/DC doesn't help, either.

Runner-Up: Graveyard Shift

Sci-Fi Horror Movie

Proteus

A heroin-addicted sea monster? Check. Cheap mid-90's sets? Check. Mullets? Check. Proteus is your basic science-fiction monster movie complete with ridiculous evil bad-guy plot thrown on top of everything. The hero and his companions are portrayed as a drug smugglers, so it's hard to cheer for them to survive. The dialogue is very bad, but actor Craig Fairbrass manages to do a decent job. His supporting cast does him no favors and bring down the entire movie. The monster itself looks hilariously bad. It actually makes Carnosaur look like it should be in Jurassic Park. If you can't make a good monster, don't make a monster movie.

Runner-Up: Splice

Horror Anthology

From A Whisper To A Scream

 

This movie suckered me in by having Vincent Price in it. Sadly, he's only in a few scenes, but still manages to be the best thing in it. Everything about this anthology is terrible. There are too many stories and none of them are particularly good. The horror is weak and the storytelling is just not there to keep the audience interested. The ideas for the stories aren't bad, just unoriginal. The problem lies in the execution as the acting is poor and the sets are cheap. A little bit of money and effort could have made the movie far more enjoyable. Instead, it's just a painful reminder that I could be watching Creepshow instead.

Runner-Up: Deadtime Stories Vol. 1

Masters Of Horror

Chocolate

Masters of Horror put out plenty of dudes (Dance of the Dead, Haeckel's Tale), but they usually managed to be horror-centric stories. Chocolate doesn't even come close to horror. The idea of seeing horrible violence through another's point of view has been done before (For example, The Eye) and done better. The acting is pretty bad (with the exception of Matt Frewer) and the story is meandering and pointless. There is nothing scary or even exciting about Chocolate. It's all just one big waste of time. I legitimately feel bad for anyone who buys this on a whim. I've seen Disney movies scarier than this.This was painful to sit through.

Runner-Up: Dance Of The Dead, Haeckel's Tale

Remake

Freakshow

I usually question the necessity for remakes, but I can understand the desire to remake the classic 1932 movie “Freaks”. It's old enough where a good chunk of your audience probably have not seen it. It doesn't help, though, when you classify your remake as a “modern retelling” and the only changes you make are nudity and violence. At first, I thought Freakshow was just ripping off Freaks until I did a little research. The original was supremely unsettling while the remake is just boring and uninspired. There's a lot of talk and planning in the movie with very little action until the rushed ending. I'm not a fan of watching torture which is a problem considering the last 10 minutes of the movie are just torture. The scene is painfully slow and unpleasant, just like the rest of the movie.

Runner-Up: The Hitcher

Day 311: Pig Hunt

Pig Hunt

Treif

Happy Election Day, all my American readers. I hope you voted if you're eligible. I just spent an hour and a half waiting in line and would have waited even longer. I love politics and I'm thrilled to vote. I am going to keep today's review short and sweet so I can go back to watching MSNBC like a hawk, cheering and booing like I'm watching WWE. I haven't watched an animal-based aka creature feature horror movie in quite some time. They all kind of blend together for me as the animal is usually a shark or some type of insect, with a few bears and tigers thrown in. This movie caught my eye though, focusing on a killer pig. That's so goofy, it has to be fun, right?

Pig Hunt is a 2008 horror movie starring Travis Aaron Wade as former soldier John Hickman. Along with his girlfriend Brooks (Tina Huang) and his friends Ben, Wayne and Quincy, John travel's to his uncle's cabin in the California woods at his uncle's cabin. On the way to the cabin, the friends runs into a strange cult of pseudo hippie women, led the Hippie Stranger (Bryonn Bain). He carries a large knife and terrifies the group. They learn from a local shop owner about “The Ripper” a legendary wild boar that lives in the area. It supposedly ways over 3,000 pounds and is a vicious killing machine. On the way to the cabin, they come across a group of hillbillies from the area. The next morning, John's childhood friends Jake and Ricky join the hunt. Wayne is injured by a wild pig and the group goes ahead to get help. Quincy discovers a large crop of marijuana on the land with Ricky and Jake trying to steal it. A standoff occurs and and Ben shoots Ricky. Jake flees and rounds up his hillbilly kin, one of which is played by Les Claypool from Primus. The hillbillies attack the group, eventually killing Quincy. John and Brooks come across the Hippie Stranger who helps them fight off the hillbillies. At the same time, Ben arrives at the hippie commune. They treat him for his wounds and then lock him in a pig pen where The Ripper is waiting. With John and Brooks on their way to the compound, will they be able to fight off the giant killer pig and the hippie cult?

"Hey, how ya doin'?

Despite being called “Pig Hunt” there really wasn't a lot of killer pig in it. That's the entire reason why I bothered to watch the movie. I wanted to see a giant pig kill and eat people for an hour and a half. Instead, we get a movie that focuses on killer hillbillies, killer hippies, and jerky main characters duke it out. The hillbillies make sense, but the hippie cult is just too weird for words. When the pig finally arrived, I was actually surprised by how good it looked. I was expecting a cheap, SyFy-style computerization. The big is large and has a lot of detail, down to the razor-sharp teeth. It makes me wonder, if the pig looks this good, why didn't you show it more?

The first half of the movie is downright painful to get through. They try to have character development, but every character is just too annoying to care about. The little back-story with John as a veteran is unnecessary and adds nothing to the movie. It doesn't help that some of the acting is less than stellar. It's not all bad, but there are some unpleasant moments as a viewer. The movie has a good amount of violence and takes a dark turn about halfway through when Quincy is killed. That's also when the movie becomes more interesting. Les Claypool of Primus fame contributes to several songs, making the music the highlight of the entire film. Though his role is relatively small, Claypool also does a good job as a hillbilly preacher. 

Jerry was a racecar driver...

When I pick a horror movie called “Pig Hunt”, I expect to see lots of absurd killing and gore by a giant pig. Sadly, that only comes in the last few minutes. The first half of the movie is far too slow, focusing on weak character development that really holds no sway over the story itself. Things don't pick up until halfway through with a decent amount of action and violence. The acting is mediocre, but the music is very good, thanks to Les Claypool. The pig itself looks very good and scary which is a shame because we barely see it. Ultimately, Pig Hunt wasn't as bad as I was expecting, though it wasn't really what I was looking for. If you can tough it out through the first half, you may enjoy the second.

4.5/10

Day 304: Creature From The Black Lagoon

Creature From The Black Lagoon

Apparently, the lagoon gives you soft, pouty lips

Dracula. The Wolfman, Frankenstein's monster (Frankenstein is the name of the doctor, people). The Mummy. These classic movie monsters receive lots of love and attention and rightfully so. They've had countless remakes and adaptations, appeared in video games, comic books, and products. To this day, people still get dressed up as these monsters for Halloween. There is one classic monster that always seems to be left out: The Creature from the Black Lagoon. What is it about the creature that doesn't put it on the same level as the others? Is it because the creature doesn't really come from a well-known novel? Is it a lack of sequels and remakes? Is it because it doesn't actually have a name? It's certainly not because the movie is bad.

Creature From The Black Lagoon is a 1954 monster movie starring Richard Carlson (It Came From Outer Space, The Magnetic Monster) as Dr. David Reed and Julie Adams (The Rifleman, Maverick) as his girlfriend, Kay Lawrence. While on an expedition in the Amazon, Dr. Carl Maia (Antonio Moreno, The Searchers, The Spanish Dancer) discovers the skeletal remains of an arm that appears to have a webbed hand. Maia is able to convince his friend Dr. David Reed, an icthyologist, to aid him in the excavation of the skeleton. They are joined by David's girlfriend Kay and Dr. Mark Williams, who funds the expedition. The take the steamer Rita down the Amazon to the camp site, where they find Maia's team brutally murdered by some sort of animal. Unknown to the group, the killer was actually an amphibious humanoid, the same species as the skeleton that Dr. Maia discovered. The group travels into the nearby black lagoon in hopes of finding more of the skeletal remains. The creature, or Gill-man, watches the expedition as the search the lagoon and becomes infatuated with Kay. It eventually kills two of the crew members on the ship. They poison the water and are able to capture the creature for a short time, but it escapes. Will they be able to capture this creature before it takes Kay?

"Has anyone seen my chapstick? I'm feeling chappy."

In classic monster movie fashion, Creature From The Black Lagoon has an equal mixture of mystery, action, romance, and traditional scares. While the movie may be almost 60 years old, it still manages to be quite entertaining. The action starts out almost immediately despite not showing the creature right away. We only see it's amphibious webbed hand, but it's enough to whet the audience's appetite and send imagination's soaring. Gill-man is essentially a man in a rubber suit (technically two different men, one for land shots and one for swimming), it looks far better than other monsters from the same era. Strong detail is given to the suit with authentic looking skin and fins. The face does have some motion to it and actually appears to be breathing when out of water. Many of the underwater scenes look very good, thanks to being shot in a studio rather than an actually body of water.

Originally filmed in 3D, the movie doesn't have the usual hallmarks you see in modern 3D films. There are no blatant scenes where someone is specifically pointing something at the screen for 3D purposes. The horror of the film is helped along thanks to the music in the film, which consisted mostly of blaring trumpets. It serves it's purpose, but tends to be a little grating by the end. Director Jack Arnold has a good eye for capturing both the action and terror in the movie. The acting is good, especially considering the creature is just a guy in a suit. Julie Adams doesn't play the straight damsel in distress role, giving the character more depth. There are just enough characters involved to kill off a few without diluting the story. The movie has a good amount of action, but since it's from the 1950's, of course there is no blood. C'mon, there are kids watching!

"Attica! Attica! Attica!"

Creature From The Black Lagoon is a fun monster movie from an era where a man in a rubber suit was still terrifying. The story movies quickly and has a good amount of action for the time period. The underwater scenes look great and the makeup used for the monster is spot-on. The combination of good acting and directing helps elevate the movie to a better level than other contemporary monster movies. The movie doesn't have the built-in story that other classic monster movies do, but it still manages to be entertaining. Why Gill-man doesn't get as much attention as it deserves, it's still a classic monster from a classic movie. Maybe you should dress up like Gill-man for Halloween tomorrow.

8/10

Day 210: Absentia

Absentia

Check out my manicure! Now!

After watching over 200 hundred movies, I feel like I've seen just about every trick in the horror book. Sure, the details change, but most tend to follow similar patterns, or action, or overall themes; monster shows up, people die, hero fights the monster, hero either lives or dies. The end. Roll credits. It's such a pleasant and refreshing surprise to see an independent horror movie that tries do be unconventional. Of course, being unconventional does not necessarily make it good. It requires a unique story, solid acting, and good overall horror.

Absentia is a 2011 horror movie starring Katie Parker (Cut, Scare Dares) as Callie and Courtney Bell (American Marriage, Scare Dares) as her sister Tricia. Callie has finally kicked her drug habit and has come to live with Tricia after spending years on the road. Tricia is pregnant, but when Callie asks about the father, she avoids getting into specifics. Tricia's husband Daniel has been missing for 7 years without any sign of returning. Detective Ryan Mallory (Dave Levine, Space Guys In Space, Asylum) has been working on the case and have grown close to Tricia. After waiting for many years, Tricia files paperwork to declare Daniel 'dead in absentia'. Tricia has strange hallucinations of Daniel, as if he is trying to reach out to her. During a morning run, Callie goes through a tunnel and comes across a sick man named Walter. He is shocked that she is able to see him and runs away. She returns at night and leaves food at the tunnel. She is shocked to find all sorts of trinkets and items in her bed. With some convincing by Callie, Tricia decides to finally move into a new place and decides to openly date Det. Mallory. On their date, Daniel reappears, showing signs of abuse and malnourishment. He is unable to say where he has been other than “underneath”. One night, Callie finds a terrified Daniel in her room, claiming that something has found him. She hears a chirping sound and goes to investigate. She is knocked out by some sort of creature and when she comes to, Daniel is once again missing. The next day, the man Callie met named Walter is found horribly mutilated outside the tunnel. Callie begins to piece together all the disappearances over the years from the neighborhood and discovers that they all have something to do with that tunnel. What ancient secrets does the tunnel hide and what does it mean for Callie and Tricia?

For the last time, I'm not Jessica Alba!

Despite being an independent movie funded through Kickstarter, Absentia comes off as a big budget horror movie. I don't mean in terms of special effects or big stars, but in the quality of the story and acting. The movie doesn't suffer from being an “indie” movie with wacky, off-beat characters or uncomfortable awkward scenes that serve no purpose. You know what type of movies I mean. Written and directed by Mike Flanagan, Absentia is able to produce a very believable and real-world story with a dash of horror. That dash is just enough to keep things thrilling and interesting. There aren't many scares in the movie, but it relies on old-school horror techniques to get the audience jumping. Despite the lack of blood and violence, the movie makes up for it with sinister implications that create psychological terror.

Absentia is, at it's heart, a simple story. The story itself is told in such a way that we have a hint of what happens, then it jumps forward to after the action and then we find out what happened. I assume this was a money-saving strategy and it doesn't hinder the story, but they used this trick more than once, making it too obvious. Unfortunately, we never get to see what is kidnapping people, only brief flashes. The background isn't really discussed either, which is disappointing because I really wanted to know just what was going on. What is it? Where does it come from? Why are people being kidnapped? I don't need everything laid out for me, but a little more information would have made the movie that much better. The acting is pretty good throughout, helped by believable dialogue.

If this guy were any paler, he'd be Mitt Romney

Absentia comes close to greatness, but just barely misses. There isn't a specific reason as it has some very good moments, but, for me, it just doesn't go far enough. I would have liked a little more information on the creature's background and more action. I suppose their were budget constraints, but a few minutes of dialogue doesn't cost that much. There are some decent scares and the mystery is enticing enough to keep the audience's attention. It is nice to see a quality independent movie with actors and actresses that may not have big name recognition, but have the solid acting ability to make the movie entertaining. Absentia is a good movie and I look forward to more work from Mike Flanagan.

7.5/10

Day 207: Creature

Creature

There's so much suck going on in this poster

Horror has a long history of incorporating local legends into plots. There are countless movies about the Yeti, Sasquatch, the Mothman, the Boogeyman, and all sorts of critters. Some legends transcend borders and countries while others are limited only to an area or town. When people already know a legend, the movie is forced to differentiate itself from other films of the same subject. Using a more obscure legend allows for a freer storytelling experience and can be a fun watch. Of course, when you completely make up a legend, you can do whatever you want. Sometimes that is not a good thing.

Creature is a 2011 horror movie starring Mehcad Brooks (In The Valley Of Elah, Glory Road) as ex Navy SEAL Niles and Serinda Swan (Breakout Kings, Recoil) as his girlfriend Emily. They go on a road trip to New Orleans with their friends Karen, her brother Oscar, Emily and her boyfriend Randy. On the backroads of Louisiana, the group stops at a local shop run by the strange Chopper (Sid Haig, House of 1000 Corpses, The Devil's Rejects). Inside, Oscar finds a flier for a local legend Lockjaw, a half-man, half-alligator. He tells the group the tale of Lockjaw who was a local man named Grimley Boutine. Grimley came from a family of inbreeding and with the family line coming to an end, he impregnated his sister. Before he could marry her, she was captured by a giant albino alligator called Anon. Enraged, Grimley tracked down Anon, and discovering his dead sister, killed the alligator. In a stupor, he began to eat Anon, as well as his sister, and mutated into a horrible alligator creature. The group finds Grimley's home. They set up camp for the night and indulge in drinking and debauchery which includes, and no I am not kidding, sex, attempted female-on-female sexual assault, voyeurism, and incest. As Karen is walking in the woods, she is knocked out and tied up by Chopper, who is revealed to be her and Oscar's father. Chopper is actually the leader of a local cult that worships Anon and Lockjaw and they intend to provide Lockjaw with brides to produce more family members. Will the group be able to survive?

You're weird, but hot, so it's cool

Wow. For the first 30 minutes of the movie, I thought Creature wasn't that bad for a straight to DVD movie. Not good, but not bad and it had the added advantage of having a legend I had not heard of. It turns out I was wrong on both counts. Creature was actually released in over 1500 theaters and made a record low $327,000 it's opening weekend. Due in part to targeted marketing to horror fans instead of trying to attract a wide audience, the movie swallows a whole bunch of crazy pills and does a 180 and dives headlong into the insane abyss. The movie includes scenes of consensual incest and attempted sexual assault, neither of which are portrayed in a negative light. It was truly stupefying to see that on screen. The movie also has a large amount of nudity for a relatively wide release, including seeing all three leading females topless. I'm not really complaining, but it wasn't necessary. All of these things just distract from the story being incredibly stupid and boring. A man eats an alligator and then suddenly becomes one? Really? They couldn't say it was toxic waste or a meteor or something? That's just lazy.

The creature itself looks still and cartoonish. They couldn't even get it's mouth to move when it lets out a yell. There is some action, but not as much as you'd expect from a monster movie, with a few shots of blood and gore. Sid Haig is very entertaining, but his character is too similar to Captain Spaulding from House of A 1000 Corpses/Devil's Rejects. The rest of the cast is passable, but the dialogue is so stiff that they can't work around it. The director came off as amatuerish with scenes being too dark and a final action scene shot in slow motion for no particular reason other than to torture the audience praying for the movie to end. 

"Hey, can't we talk this over?"

Monster movies are supposed to be simple, but fun. Creature starts out that way, with a basic story of sexy young people going to an isolated area to find a monster. It's been done a million times and that's perfectly fine. The movie then decides to go nuts, showcasing incest as a main theme of the movie. If they wanted to imply it, that would have been fine, but no, they had to show it. The movie lacks the proper amount of action and violence and the monster does not look good. The script is weak along with the directing. Do yourself a favor and skip this abomination. There's a good reason why it bombed so hard in theaters.

1.5/10

Day 165: Primeval

Primeval

Attack of the gingivitis

It's been a while since I last reviewed an animal-based horror movie and with good reason. Most of them suck. I'm not talking about classics like Jaws or Cujo, I mean the shit avalanche of SyFy Channel movies like ice Spiders and Megashark vs. Crocosaurus. Those movies get a C-level star, spend 5 minutes on a story, and use about $50 to create a terrible CGI monster. It's entirely possible those movie would have been a lot better if the studios invested a little more time, effort, and money. The only way to find out is to watch a movie that does just that.

Primeval (not to be confused with the television show) is a 2007 film based off the true story of Gustave, a 20 foot man-eating crocodile in Burundi, Africa. The film stars Dominic Purcell (Prison Break, Blood Creek) as television news journalist Tim Manfrey and Orlando Jones (Evolution, The Replacements) as his cameraman Steven Johnson. Tim is linked to a falsified story about an elected official and is assigned to a story of a giant man-eating crocodile named Gustave in Burundi. He is joined by Steven and Aviva Masters (Brooke Langton, The Replacements, Sliders), a journalist who focuses on animal stories. When they arrive in the small African nation, they are warned of a dangerous warlord nicknamed Little Gustave. The country has been entrenched in a civil war for years between rival tribes. Their boat is attacked from the shore, but the group survives. They are met in a small village by their guide, Jacob Krieg, and wildlife expert Matthew. Their various attempts to capture Gustave fail with deadly results, but they are able to shoot him with a tracking device. While shooting scenic shots, Steven captures an execution by little Gustave. The guards protecting the group actually work for little Gustave and try to get the footage. Will they be able to survive the warlord and the giant crocodile?

Chew with your mouth closed

As far as creature features go, Primeval isn't that bad. It has a bigger budget, better special effects, and a more talented cast than most animal-based horror movies. The movie reminds me most closely of Anaconda with it's story based in an exotic location, good cast, and computerized giant animal. The movie attempts to include context to the local strife in Burundi which adds depth and danger to the story. It makes for a better viewing experience and doesn't make me want to rip my eyes out with a rusty spork. Usually a creature feature just throws an animal at you for an hour and a half. I could have actually used a bit more of the giant crocodile in Primeval, but I guess the “real” monster is little Gustave. That's fine, because it makes Primeval more of a legitimate movie, but when I watch a movie with a giant crocodile, I want to see that giant crocodile a lot.

Speaking of the giant crocodile, the CGI effects used to create the beast look decent. It's better than your typical animal movie, with more attention to detail, but it still looks heavily computerized. Perhaps that's why we didn't get to see it that often. The action is believable with more violence coming from people than the monster and there is a decent amount of suspense. The acting is good enough and makes for a better viewing experience. Orlando Jones is the comic relief and is able to get the audience to crack a few smiles. He had one line that absolutely baffled me, though. Something along the lines of slavery being a good thing because it got people out of dangerous Africa. WHAT?! How could someone write something like that, even if it is a joke. It's not Jones's fault, but that's just a crazy line and didn't need to be in the movie. 

Make 7 Up Yoursoh shit!

Primeval is proof that a horror movie based on a giant killer animal can be decent as long as it has a good cast, decent budget, and a story. Don't get me wrong, it's not like this movie is great or anything, it's just better than your average creature feature. I appreciate that they acknowledged the local civil war and used it to further the story. The special effects are decent and the acting helps carry the movie. There are some quality action scenes and a few laughs. While it's nothing great, Primeval is a decent watch and a lot better than your average animal movie.

6/10

Day 147: Monkey Shines

Monkey Shines

Quit monkeying around

Happy Creature Feature Saturday and the beginning of Memorial Day weekend. I hope you get a chance to enjoy this extended weekend, unless you're working, then I hope you are paid extra. This holiday weekend I gave me the time to finally see a movie I've wanted to see for a while by one of the masters of horror, George Romero. Best known for his “...of the Dead” films, some people don't even realize that he has down other movies in the horror genre not related to zombies. While some argue that his last few films, Land, Diary, and Survival of the Dead have been less than stellar, they still have their moments of greatness and are entertaining. But those are all zombie movies. It was time to check out something different.

Monkey Shines is a 1988 horror movie, based on the story by Michael Stewart, starring Jason Beghe (G.I. Jane, Californication) as Allan Mann. A star athlete, Allan goes for a run and is hit by a truck, leaving him a quadriplegic. Unable to move anything below his neck, he is relegated to an electric wheelchair and his house is set up with the latest technology. He becomes despondent and tries to kill himself, but is discovered by his friend Geoffrey (John Pankow, Mad About You, Batteries Not Included) in time. Geoffrey is a scientist at the local University has been injecting monkeys with serum derived from a human brain in hopes that it would increase their intelligence. He takes one of the monkeys to Melanie Parker (Kate McNeil) who trains her to become a monkey helper. They give the monkey, named Ella, to Allan and his life slowly improves. Geoffrey continues to secretly inject Ella with the serum and her intelligence grows. A telepathic bond occurs between Ella and Allan as he begins to see through her eyes when she escapes through the house. His anger and rage also begins to grow when she is around, spilling into violence when he learns is former girlfriend is now seeing his doctor. A supposedly random fire breaks out and kills both of them. A romance grows between Allan and Melanie, despite Allan's overbearing mother's objections. Allan visits another doctor and learns that his paralysis is actually congenital and not caused by his accident. Ella becomes possessive of Allan and more violent towards others and actually kills his mother by dropping a hair dryer into her bath. Geoffrey tries to stop Ella by injecting her with poison, but she outsmarts him and stabs him with the syringe. Melanie also tries to stop Ella, but is tripped and hits her head on a table. How will Allan be able to stop Ella when he can't even move?

"Back away from the bananas and no one gets hurt!"

The best way to describe Monkey Shines is “different and interesting”. It's certainly not your typical creature feature as the monkey Ella doesn't just go around and rip faces off. The movie goes for the slow (and sometimes very slow) build, showing the sweetness of the relationship between Ella and Allan and then the relationship turning obsessive and scary. The story is smart, but incredibly dull at times. Clocking in at over two hours, the movie manages to have compelling moments and ideas, but little in the way of action and horror. While the basic concept is scary in general, the movie itself is lacking and true scares. What could have legitimately been terrifying came off as just a little creepy and startling. Part of the problem may have been that the distributor, Orion Pictures, had recut the film against George Romero's wishes, so we'll never really know what could have been. The music for certain scenes is all wrong and takes away any fear the audience might have.

Despite problems with the studio, Romero's talents still shine throughout the movie with some really good shots and direction. Scenes shot from Ella's point of view are similar to that of the traveling through the woods scene in Evil Dead. Frantic shots of Allan's face during tense scenes look good and add to the overall fear and are not overdone. The acting is pretty good throughout, with Jason Beghe putting in a solid performance. It must have been difficult to go through almost an entire movie without using his extremities. Boo, the monkey playing Ella, was very good, aided by tight shots of her face that showed genuine emotion. There are also good, but small parts played by Stanley Tucci (The Hunger Games, Captain America) and Stephen Root (No Country For Old Men, Dodgeball). 

The ultimate killing machine

Monkey Shines is not your typical animal-based horror movie. It is an interesting and different concept that isn't seen very often. The movie is far too long and lacks true horror. It should have been far scarier and had a lot of potential, but just didn't make the cut for whatever reason. Romero still manages to do a good job and the acting is well done. If you're a big fan of Romero's work, Monkey Shines is worth watching. If you're looking for a good horror movie, you could do better. It has it's moments, but not enough to make it great.

6/10

Day 133: Slugs

Slugs

Rejected poster for Pink Floyd's The Wall

Happy Creature Feature Saturday everyone! The movie I watched for today's entry is called Slugs. Yes, really. I have been avoiding it for a while because it just sounds so stupid and implausible. I was going to watch an equally stupid movie starring Carmen Electra and Brooke Hogan, but once I saw that The Asylum was involved, I immediately stopped and went back to Slugs. I can deal with stupid, but I can deal with the criminally insulting movies The Asylum puts out. I've I ever need to kill brain cells and forget important information, I'll watch that one. This movie came out in the 80's, at least I'd get to see some old products and advertisements from my youth.

Slugs is a 1987 horror movie based off a novel of the same name. The small rural town of Ashton is being plagued with gruesome and mysterious deaths. Health inspector Mike Brady (Michael Garfield, The Warriors, Law & Order) looks into the deaths and finds strange connections to local black slugs that are appearing all over town. One of the slugs bears fangs and actually bites him. Mike is able to capture a few of the slugs in a jar and brings them to a scientist for examination. The slugs are carnivorous hermaphroditic mutants that can easily spawn thousands of times. Mike tries to get the local sheriff and the mayor to stop the slugs before they take over the entire town, but in true horror movie cliché fashion, they dismiss him as crazy. It's up to Mike to stop the slugs himself. Will he be able to do it or will him just become another meal for the hungry, hungry mutants.

OMNOMNOMNOM

As with most insect-based horror movies, Slugs is pretty damn simple and stupid. I mean, I wasn't expecting much from a movie with killer mollusc. I was willing to suspend my disbelief enough to accept slugs as carnivorous murder machines, but the story itself is just so dumbed-down and cliched. There's horrible, gruesome murders all over town and no one is at least suspicious that something might be up? I can understand not believing it's killer slugs, but shouldn't they be more concerned that there's some organ-eating psychopath running around town? Like zombie movies, the slugs kill by swarming people and eating them. I'm ok way that, but since they're not exactly fast, why can't people, I dunno, walk briskly past them? It also blew my mind that Mike's solution to kill the slugs was to just blow them up. In the process, he actually blows up a few houses and probably caused more deaths than the slugs. Why not just use a flamethrower or some good old-fashioned poison? Or how about a giant salt shaker?

You can start a Home Depot with the amount of wooden acting in the movie. Some actors are bad and some deserve the “Tommy Lee Jones in Batman Forever” award for over-the-top acting. There are a few scenes throughout the movie where inappropriate stock music is played, such as really happy, jaunty music during scenes of a police car going to the scene of a murder. Didn't anyone notice that it didn't fit? The only saving grace for Slugs is the bloody, gorey violence. There's just enough blood and guts to keep the movie from being a complete loss. One scene in which a man explodes with slugs from inside his body is particularly creative and fun to watch.

"Gasp! This is regular Coke, not Diet!"

When you watch a movie called “Slugs” you shouldn't expect to see a classic. The story is pretty silly, but not in the fun B-movie way. Cliches abound and the acting is painful to watch. The violence is fun and bloody, but there should have been a lot more. If you can find some of the kill scenes on youtube, it's worth checking out. Beyond that, Slugs isn't worth your time.

3/10

Day 120: Proteus

Proteus

Who wants omelets?

Time for another Creature Feature movie. Rather than suffering through the crap-o-rama that is SyFy “exclusive movies” with ridiculous titles and even more ridiculous concepts (Ice Spiders, Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus), I thought I go for something in the mid 1990's. Oh, how I miss the 90's. It was a simpler time back then. Bill Clinton was President, cartoons were still great, and Mike Tyson was still the baddest man on the planet. Surely this movie wouldn't have some insane Roger Corman-like creature that would make a bad acid trip look like a Disney movie. Surely.

Proteus is a sci-fi/horror movie from 1995 starring Craig Fairbrass (Dead Cert, Cliffhanger) as the drug smuggling Alex. Alex takes a heroin-filled yacht out to sea with smugglers Paul, Linda, Rachel, Christine and Mark. An accident occurs, leaving them stranded on a life raft in the middle of the ocean. The come across a seemingly abandoned oil rig and climb aboard. The rig is not abandoned because they come across a few workers and a Dr. Shelley. Shelley informs them that the rig is actually a hi-tech research facility being used for biological experiments. The research is being paid for by a rich old man named Brinkstone who is looking to unlock the secrets of immortality. Shelley disappears and the group encounters a security guard, who tells them to hide from someone or something named Charlie. As they are waiting for Charlie to attack, the security guard transforms into a hideous monster. Rachel is attacked and they take her to the medical facility. While she is resting, the creature drops down from the ceiling and into her mouth, possessing her. The creature then possesses the others, leaving Alex and Linda to fight for their lives. Alex, who reveals that he is a DEA agent, finds a video of Dr. Shelley explaining that Charlie their creation from a mixture of DNA splicing and a shark. Charlie is evolving and supposedly cannot be killed. His one weakness is heroin. Will Alex and Linda be able to kill Charlie and get off the rig alive?

Heroin is one helluva drug

A heroin-addicted, possibly immortal creature that can possess the bodies of humans? Yeah that's pretty far out there even in the science fiction/horror world. Proteus is best lumped into the category of monster movies that you'd rent from the video store and then feel completely stupid that you wasted your weekend movie pick on something so stupid. It would be right there on the shelf next to Carnosaur and Dentist II. The movie has a pretty small budget, with shots in the ocean looking like it was done in a swimming pool at the local YMCA. Just because the movie is cheap, doesn't mean that the story has to be cheap as well. For a majority of the movie, we believe that Alex, despite being the hero, is a drug smuggler. I found myself thinking “Why the hell should I cheer for these people? They're drug smugglers and drug users. Fuck them. Get 'em, Proteus!” It's hard to be sympathetic when you have contempt for the characters. Usually that's reserved for one specific character so when they day, the audience can shout a collective “Good!” It doesn't work so well when most of the characters are scumbags.

Despite a barely-coherent script and some bad dialogue, Craig Fairbrass actually does a good job. He's actually had a pretty long career and was even in the very first movie I reviewed, Dead Cert. I hated that movie, but his acting was still good, even in that garbage. He doesn't get much help from his supporting cast, who's acting skills range from balsam to oak in terms of wooden acting. The makeup on the possessed people actually looks pretty good. The big payoff when “Charlie” is finally revealed is pretty laughable. It looks like a mixture of a great white shark, a dinosaur, and an octopus. And it's addicted to heroin. How convenient. Even watching a movie from the mid 90's, I can't avoid seeing a Sharktopusasaurus. It didn't help that one scene where Charlie attacks people looks like something out of a Japanese tentacle rape scene.

(shudder)

Proteus is a weird creature feature/science fiction movie that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. There are some decent action scenes and even a good amount of blood. The term “blood sprinkler” comes to mind for one scene. Craig Fairbrass does well with his limited script and even more limited supporting cast. The monster looks very silly and pretty unoriginal. The movie was able to hold my attention, but that's about it. No need to run out to the local flea market and dig through the used VHS movies for this one.

3/10

Day 112: Black Sheep

Black Sheep

Oh sheep!

Happy Creature Feature Saturday everyone. It feels like I haven't done one of these in a while. Saturdays tend to be slow days for blog traffic, so I usually watch the particularly terrible horror movies, which happen to be animal-based movies. Blame SyFy and lazy writers everywhere. It seems that every animal has been used for a horror movie; sharks, crocodiles, bees, bears, spiders, hell even slugs and worms. So I might as well watch one starring sheep. That's right, sheep. Now I don't know about you, but sheep don't exactly strike fear into my heart. In fact, here in the United States, during the elections of 2010, a Republican named Carly Fiorina was running for Senate in California and released a downright insane political ad called “Demon Sheep.” For my international readers (and I do have a lot, apparently. You should say hi in the comment section), most of our political ads are not this crazy and thankfully, she did not win.)

Black Sheep is a horror/comedy movie from New Zealand starring Nathan Meister as Henry Oldfield. As a young sheep farm boy, Henry was traumatized by a cruel prank played on him by his brother, Angus (Peter Feeney). Angus killed Henry's pet sheep and wore it's bloody carcass to scare his brother. Directly after the prank, the boys learn from their housekeeper, Mrs. Mack, that their father had been killed in an accident. 15 years later, Henry returns to the family farm to sell his share to Angus. Henry is now terrified of sheep, to the point where he has to call his therapist when surrounded by them. Angus has been genetically modifying sheep in hopes of making a more profitable creature. Environmentalists Grant and Experience steal a mutant lamb preserved in a container, but accidentally drop it when they are pursued. The mutant bites Grant, infecting him with the mutant sheep strain. Meanwhile, Henry goes for a drive with his old friend Tucker. They are confronted by a sheep that refuses to move from the road. When they get out, Experience steals their gun and holds them hostage. Unfortunately, she is no good with guns and Tucker takes it from her. They see a farm house filling with smoke, go to investigate and are attacked by a vicious sheep. Tucker shoots it multiple times before it dies. Angus is stopped and bitten by Grant, who is slowly turning in to a sheep monster. Henry, Experience, and Tucker fight their way through the sheep, but Tucker is bitten and begins to change as well. They go to Grant's lab, where they see the horrors he has created. One of the scientists there sees Tucker's now sheep-like hoof and injects him with the cure. With investors coming to the farm to witness Angus's new creation, will Henry and Experience be able to stop the killer sheep from mutating more people and get off the farm alive?

 "Not baaaaaad. Needs salt."

As crazy as it sounds, this was actually a very entertaining movie. Black Sheep could have easily been some cheap, CGI, Saturday afternoon on basic cable garbage fest, but surprisingly it had a fun story, good acting, nice special effects and makeup, and tradition horror. Black Sheep can best be described as a zombie movie with sheep. There is a horde of infected creatures looking to eat humans and if you are bitten, you become one of them. Pretty simple stuff and its amazing when you think of how many zombie movies out there suck when a movie about mutant sheep can be good. The direction is very good, with not shots particularly wasted or unnecessary. Above all else, the movie is just entertaining, something that is becoming increasingly rare in horror.

There is plenty of comedy throughout the movie, and for the most part, its actually funny. They did a good job with the writing and the actors are able to pull off their parts convincingly. There are a few cringe-worthy moments when it came to the comedy, but it's still better than some of the stuff you'd see on Comedy Central. There is a good amount of action and loads of blood and gore. Seriously, there are more entrails, severed limbs, and bloody wounds in this movie than some of the Saw movies. The locations used for the movie are absolutely beautiful and really help set the rural tone of the movie. Despite being a movie from another country, there were only a few times where local sayings were used, and it never took away from the story.

Half man, half sheep, all terrifying

Black Sheep takes a silly idea of killer mutant sheep and makes it into a great horror and comedy movie. The horror is solid and the comedy is good enough to make me crack a few smiles. The acting is very good, which helps the overall movie not look like a joke. The effects and makeup add a sense of realism to a movie that really shouldn't have had any. It helps that the movie had a serious budget. If you're looking for a fun horror movie that is a little left of center, Black Sheep is a good choice.

7/10

Day 100: The Thing

The Thing

You got a little something on your...oh that is your face

100 days! They said it couldn't be done. We showed them. We showed them all! MUHAHAHAHA. It certainly wasn't easy to get to this point, but I'm glad I've made it this far and even happier that you are reading. Thanks to the great people that talk to me through Twitter (@365DaysofHorror) and to all the international visitors I receive. I decided to treat myself for this anniversary by watching one of my favorite horror movies: John Carpetner's The Thing.

The Thing is a 1982 science fiction horror movie based on the John W. Campbell novel, Who Goes There? Set in the Antarctic, the movie stars Kurt Russell (Escape From New York, Death Proof) as helicopter pilot R.J. MacReady. A Norwegian helicopter chases after a dog through the tundra until it accidentally explodes outside the American research facility. MacReady and Dr. Cooper (Richard Dysart) fly out to the Norwegian facility for answers, but only find more questions as they discover a charred, mangled humanoid corpse. They bring it back to base where Dr. Blair (Wilford Brimley, Coccoon, The Natural) conducts an autopsy, concluding that it had a normal set of internal organs. The dog that was chased by the helicopter is put in a kennel with the other dogs. The dog transforms into a hideous creature, killing the other dogs. The emergency lever is hit and Childs (Keith David, Pitch Black, Gargoyles) kills it with a flamethrower. Blair conducts an autopsy on the creature and discovers that it is capable of imitating other beings and suspects that anyone could be replaced. The group investigates the Norwegian station again and discover a massive crater and a massive hole in the ice, where they believe the creature had emerged from. Meanwhile, the creature's remains become active again and attacks one of the crew members, Bennings. The creature begins to take his form, but it burned by the crew before he could completely assimilate. Blair, who has lost his mind at the thought of this creature being able to completely take over the world, has destroyed the radio and killed the sled dogs. The crew locks him in a shed to keep him from hurting himself and others. The crew begins to turn on each other. Any one of them could be the alien creature. Will MacReady be able to stop the creature or is he already a monster?

You should really moisturize

The Thing does absolutely everything correct for a horror movie. The source material is very good to being with and John Carpenter is able to capture the desolate hopelessness of the frozen tundra. The reason why the movie is so effective is because it is legitimately scary. You are scared of the unknown, alien creature and you are scared that it could look like anything. Like a good mystery novel, every person is a suspect. You even begin to wonder if MacReady is the alien. Throw in some downright terrifying effects and makeup with a good amount of violence and you're ready to jump out of your skin. Seriously, the prosthetics and animatronics used in the movie are impressively scary. The music throughout the movie sets a tense and frightening tone that never lets up. Despite being made in 1982, The Thing is still scaring people to this day, something not so easy in the over-saturated world of horror.

The acting is another large part of why the movie works. Kurt Russell, Keith David, and Wilford Brimley are all brilliant in their roles. It is become they are so convincing that we are able to fully immerse ourselves into the story. Russell and David are their usual badass selves while Brimley goes out of his comfort zone to play a doctor who's gone insane with fear. The action is solid throughout and although the movie runs a little long, about 110 minutes, you never feel bored. 

Welcome to Man Town. Population: Beard

I know a lot of people love The Thing, so if I've missed something, don't tell me. I don't want to know. I just know that this is a fantastic horror movie with great directing, acting, and action. I have yet to see the prequel (I've heard mixed things), but I may have to check it out one day. Here's to another 100 movie reviews. Cheers!

10/10