Day 103: Masters of Horror: Chocolate

Masters of Horror: Chocolate

Fudge

Usually when you see the title of a movie, it's a good indication of what actually occurs in said movie. Alien has an alien in it. Clear And Present Danger has danger. Erin Brockovich has someone named Erin Brockovich as the main character. You see what I'm getting at. What do you think a movie will be about when it's called “Masters of Horror: Chocolate”? You're expecting some sort of scary movie involving chocolate. Maybe evil chocolate Easter bunnies eating children or people turning into chocolate. You know, something involving horror and food. But no. Not this movie. This might as well be called “Masters of Boredom: Fuck You For An Hour”.

Masters of Horror: Chocolate stars Henry Thomas (E.T., Psycho IV) as a divorcee named Jaime who develops artificial flavors for a food company. Jaime starts seeing and experiences scenes from someone else's life. He randomly tastes chocolate, which he claims is the best chocolate he's ever had. The experiences become more intense including one scene where Jaime feels this person having sex. He also experiences this person murdering their mate in a fit of jealous rage. Jaime investigates and using his memories, is able to track down the person in western Canada. His search leads him to a woman named Catherine. Jamie confesses his love for her and they become closer. Will Jaime's love for Catherine blind him to the danger he is in and if he experiences what she experiences, does it work the other way around?

This is some damn exciting stuff

If you're wondering what the hell this movie has to do with horror, join the club. The only thing scary about this movie is that people thought it belonged in the Masters of Horror series. Nothing in this movie resembles horror. Jamie's weird sensory phenomena is never explained. Not even hinted at. This movie as an hour long and they couldn't bring themselves to give 2 minutes of explanation? They spent plenty of time making me feel really uncomfortable with awkward sex scenes. Chocolate is the first-person shooter of sex scenes. If this movie was in 3D, I would have pressed charges for aggravated sexual assault.

The story itself is uninspired and unoriginal. We've seen this type of story before in horror, such as in the Hong Kong film, Jian Gui (remade as The Eye in the United States). You know what the difference was between those movies and Chocolate? Those were fucking horror movies! The acting in Chocolate is pretty bad. If you ever wanted to see Elliot from E.T as an adult and wanted to see him have a goofy shocked look on his face for an hour, this is your movie. Matt Frewer (Max Headroom, Dawn of the Dead remake) is pretty entertaining, but his role is pretty pointless. In fact, almost all the characters with the exception of Jamie, Catherine, and her murdered lover are pointless. Why do we need to see Jamie's ex wife and kid? Or how about the woman he meets in the supermarket and sleeps with? It's all a waste of time.

Not pictured: horror

Its not fair to call Chocolate a bad horror movie because it's not even a horror movie. We can just call it a bad movie. The story is extremely weak and a majority of the scenes are pointless. The acting is pretty terrible and the numerous sex scenes scarred me for life. Do yourself a favor and avoid seeing this movie. I'm going to watch some playoff hockey to erase this movie from my memory. Go Rangers!

1/10