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Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Day 116: H.P. Lovecraft's The Tomb

H.P. Lovecraft's The Tomb
No, bullshit will lure you in

I really enjoy H.P. Lovecraft's work. I'm such a fan that I even visited his grave. The first story I ever read by him was The Rats In The Walls and I was legitimately spooked by the end. There's something about his brand of horror and science fiction that has an ageless quality to it. His worked has lead to the creation of the Cthulhu mythos (modern writers building a universe based off his works), video games, and movies. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, his works have not translated well on film. There are a few exceptions (check out my review of Dreams In The Witch-House), but overall the movies based off his stories are just not good. There has been talk of Guillermo Del Toro working on Lovecraft's “At The Mountains Of Madness,” but it is mired in studio and creative trouble. In the meantime, there's Ulli Lommel's (Zombie Nation, Zodiac Killer) movie The Tomb.

The original short story tells the tale of Jervas Dudley who sneaks into a mausoleum belonging to the Hyde family. He begins to sleep inside a tomb bearing the name of Jervas Hyde. He is unaware that he is being spied on and against his better judgment, goes to the tomb on a stormy night. He sees that the old Hyde mansion restored to it's former state and joins a party going on inside. Lightning strikes the mansion and Jervas loses consciousness. He is awoken by men working for his father and brought home. There he finds an antique box with a porcelain figure inside bearing a striking resemblance to Jervis and the initials J.H. Jervas becomes obsessed with the crypt and begins to lose his sanity. 

Even H.P. Lovecraft couldn't make a movie so terrifyingly bad

The movie follows a bald man and a blonde woman (Victoria Ullman) are trapped inside some sort of warehouse by a shrouded killer. They discover various other people trapped in the warehouse who have all been tortured and die shortly after we are introduced to them. The scenes are interspersed with cuts of a masked person riding a horse for some reason. The blonde and the man try to escape the warehouse. How are they all connected and who is this mysterious killer?

If you couldn't tell, the movie has noting to do with Lovecraft's short story. Nothing. Not a fucking thing. It's flat out wrong to include Lovecraft's name in this visual and mental trainwreck. It's a cheap trick to get people to watch a movie that would languish at the bottom of the $1 bin at the Dollar General. The story just that its such a confusing nonsensical mess that I can barely explain what is going on. It's as if someone watched Saw, took out all the good parts and puked on the camera used to shoot this abomination. The acting is downright horrendous. I've seen better performances by schizophrenics on a New York subway. It's not like the have much to work with because of the inane dialogue given to them. 

Cute puppies will lessen my rage at this movie

Lommel wasn't content with writing this piece of shit, but felt the need to bring his assness (if that's not a word, it should be) to the director's chair. Scenes are too dark and the sets a woefully cheap. I guess it's technically set in a tomb, but it looks like a half empty warehouse or beneath the bleachers of a local high school. Scenes jump too often with unnecessary and confusing shots. There's some violence, but its just so incredibly stupid that I can't even enjoy it. The ending is so confused and moronic that I am actually insulted for having watched this. It's like they said “Congratulations, you sat through this putrid pile of fuck, here's an ending so terrible you'll actually lose a few IQ points.”

The Tomb is so bad, I actually stopped two teenagers from getting it. If you like H.P. Lovecraft, I beg you not to watch this. If you like good stories, do not watch this. If you like good acting, or directing, or action, do not watch this. I would rather sit through a 24 hour marathon of Battlefield:Earth than watch this again. I would rather sleep on a bed of angry porcupines and use fire ants as a blanket than watch this again. I would rather have a naked jello wrestling match with Rush Limbaugh after he swallowed an entire bottle of Viagara and Siracha than watch this again. Fuck this movie with the power of a thousand suns.


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