Hard Rock Zombies

Hard Rock Zombies

Rock and Roll will never die

Horror may be the only film genre where bad movies are just as beloved as the good ones. Oh sure, there’s a few terrible Sci-Fi movies out there that are loved (thanks to Mystery Science Theater 3000), but not on the same level as horror. Genres like romance, western, war, thriller and the like don’t have the same affinity for terrible movies. Why horror? I suppose if you like the genre, you already have a bit of a warped sense of humor as compared to the mainstream. Of course, it’s important to know the difference between “it’s so bad, it’s good” and “it’s so bad I want to pull my eyeballs out with an ice cream scoop”.

Hard Rock Zombies is a 1985 zombie movie E.J. Curse (Bones, Rules of Engagement) as Jessie, the lead singer of an up-and-coming hair metal band. The band travels to the small coastal town of Grand Guignol to play a concert for a record producer. Along the way, they pick up a beautiful hitchhiker named Elsa (Eyes of the Serpent, Molested) who invites them to stay at her family’s mansion. The family consists of Elsa, her elderly grandparents, her brother (it’s not clear), a groundskeeper, and two “little people”, one with an eye patch and one suffering some sort of unexplained deformity. Unbeknownst to the band, Elsa recently drowned two men while her family members watched with glee. While in town, the band’s antics, which includes skateboarding and miming (seriously), raises the ire of the locals. Enraged by these events, the town bans the band from playing. Meanwhile, Jessie starts to fall for a young girl of indeterminate age from town named Cassie (Jennifer Coe) who had originally warned him not to come to Grand Guignol. Instead of playing in town, the band performs at the mansion for the sadistic family. The band is electrocuted mid-set, but survives. Later that night, the family murders each member of the band, leaving only their manager alive who was in town trying to secure a venue for the band. When he returns, the grandfather reveals himself to actually be Hitler (yes, really) who is still bent on world destruction. Cassie resurrects the band, turning them into the living dead, who quickly gain revenge on the murderous Nazi family. Unfortunately, the family is also turned into zombies who begin to wreak havoc on the townspeople. How will the hard rock zombies be able to stop the zombie Nazis and what will happen when the record producer comes to see their show?

Y-M-C-BRAAAAAIIINNNNSSSSS!

Does that sound like a good movie to you? No. Of course not. Does it sound like a movie “so bad, it’s good”. Don’t say “yes” because it wasn’t. The entire film is a comedy of errors. From a technical standpoint, many scenes are too dark, the music is occasionally so loud that it drowns out dialogue, mics creep into shots, the inexplicable scenes of the band cavorting around town like extras from a Dexys Midnight Runners video and the even more inexplicable scenes of Elsa dancing. The exclamation point comes when writer/director Krishna Shah’s (American Drive-In, Shalimar) name is spelled incorrectly in the credits.

Yep. That’s a mic at the top of the frame.

Of course, the technical errors can’t even compare to this viral outbreak of story. I wasn’t trying to be lazy or vague in my rundown of the movie above. I genuinely couldn’t remember characters names or even the name of the band. It doesn’t really matter. It’s not like it had much of an impact on the story.

Not pictured: Story

Speaking of story, I have eight words: who, where, when, why, and what the fuck? With bad horror movies, you can usually see a kernel of a good idea hidden beneath the layers of garbage. I couldn’t find that kernel in Hard Rock Zombies. It’s as if someone had an idea board and threw three darts that happened to land on “zombies” “music” and “Hitler”. And to make things worse, all three of those things are executed poorly.
When the band becomes zombies, the do this herky-jerky walk-dance that looks like a cross between The Robot and rigor mortis setting in. And they can still do normal everyday things like drive and play their instruments. Sure. Why not? In terms of music, “hard rock” is a huge misnomer. The band’s songs are the musical equivalent of marshmallows. Yeah, it’s catchy, but so is the flu. And Hitler? This came from out of nowhere and managed to make a story about musician zombies even stupider. And why did he reveal himself? And what’s the deal with the deformed little person? And is Eva Braun a werewolf or does she just wear a werewolf mask? Nothing is particularly clear and just when you think things get weirder, things get weirder. All of this makes me want to curl up in a ball under the kitchen table, eating nothing but sugar packets until my arteries caramelize.

Sadly, the Hair Metal Helmet never took off.

One would think that the basis of the movie would be the band gaining revenge on the family. That makes sense, right? Well, making sense took a vacation with this movie. The family is killed in less than ten minutes of the bands’ demise. Why not have that be the rest of the film? Maybe you think I’m being too hard on this movie, but you didn’t have to sit through it. I’m definitely stupider for having done so. If it was supposed to be a straight horror film, it failed. If it was supposed to be a comedy film, it failed.

People that like this movie dress up their kids as Ash from Army of Darkness. People that like this movie then tweet those pictures to Bruce Campbell for his approval. People that like this movie see nothing wrong with the insanity of the “ghost rape” storyline in American Horror Story. People that like this movie invite dates over to watch Human Centipede. People that like this movie get hot dogs at the movie theater. People that like this movie use the bathroom stall next to you even though there’s a bunch open. People that like this movie own a “Keep Calm” shirt. People that like this movie take a full shopping cart to the self-checkout line. People that like this movie use Uber just because it’s raining. People that like this movie really want you to read Ron Paul’s books. People that like this movie get lunch from Dunkin Donuts every day.

(If any of that offended you, please leave lots of rage comments and post a link to this review everywhere. I get more views that way.)

 

“Ssssssssmmmoooookin!”

The story is bad, the acting is bad, the humor is bad, and the music is bad. What I’m really trying to say is that Hard Rock Zombies is bad and now I feel bad for having watched it. It’s not bad in a good way. It’s just plain bad.

Hard Rock Zombies is available in it’s entirety on Youtube (but you shouldn’t watch it).

1/10

Day 266: Meridian

Meridian

Nothing says "romance" like Bark At The Moon-era Ozzy Osbourne

Fairy tales are way scarier than we realize. We generally think of the cute, cuddly Disney versions when talking about stories like Snow White, Cinderella, and Peter Pan. If you go back and read original stories, such as the Grimm Fairytales, you'll find out that these stories were extremely violent and perverse. Beloved characters have terrible fates filled with enough torture and pain to make even the most ardent horror fan blush. Maybe it's our preconceived notion of fairy tales, but these stories would make a great horror movie, right? Right?!

Meridian (also known as Meridian: Kiss Of The Beast) is a 1990 horror/romance movie produced and directed by Charles Band (Puppet Master, Evil Bong). The film stars Sherilynn Fenn (Twin Peaks, Fatal Instinct) as Catherine Bomarzini. After her father's death, Catherine inherits her family's castle in Italy. Excited by her new home, Catherine invites her friend Gina (Charlie Spradling) to join her at the castle. Gina is tasked with restoring a 15^th century painting recently donated to a church, but puts it off in favor of going to the castle. The women come across a traveling sideshow outside the castle gates where Catherine begins to feel a strong connection with a masked performer. Gina invites the head magician Lawrence (Malcolm Jamieson, Victor Victoria, Howards' Way) and the rest of the troupe back to the castle for dinner. Both women are drugged with Gina being raped by Lawrence. Catherine is raped by the masked man, who turns out to be Lawrence's twin brother Oliver. He tries to be romantic, but really, it's rape. During the act, Oliver turns into a monstrous beast. The next day, Catherine begins to see a ghost of a murdered girl in the castle. Her servant, Martha, explains that the girl she thinks she is seeing may be Catherine's aunt who had been killed due to a curse put on the family in the 15^th century. The curse involves the members of the troupe the women encountered the day before. Catherine begins to dream of the beast and starts to fall in love with him, believing that he is a tragic figure. At the same time, Gina discovers the painting she is restoring is Catherine's castle, and two figures in the painting resemble her and Oliver. Will Catherine be able to free herself and Oliver from their curse?

When a man-beast loves a woman, can't keep his paws on anything else

The movie is inspired by the Beauty And The Beast fairytale though I don't recall the Disney version having so much nudity and molestation. I have to assume they were trying to build off of the 1987 “Beauty And The Beast” television series starring Linda Hamilton and Ron Perlman. The movie tries to be romantic or erotic, but none of that really makes sense because the main character is drugged and raped by some sort of man-beast. One does not build an everlasting loving relationship by forcing oneself upon another. One also does not create an entertaining movie by having this scene last over 10 minutes long! It's bad enough that you want to have this ridiculous supernatural beast-rape scene in your movie, but why do you have to make the audience suffer through what can only be described as the extended director's cut version? There is nothing sexy or erotic about it and anyone that thinks so should seek professional help. The story itself is insultingly ridiculous filled with implausible actions and inexplicable scenes. If my summary of the movie confused you, well, it confused me too. Why would someone invite a random group of circus performers to their castle for dinner? Why would you not go to the police? What does this have to do with a ghost that shows up half-way through the movie? Why the hell does Catherine fall in love with the beast that raped her? WHY? WHY? WHY?

The acting throughout Meridian ranges from balsam to redwood in terms of woodeness. I can't really blame the actors that much because when you have such a terrible story, there's only so much you can do. Phil Fondacaro (Land Of The Dead, Bordello Of Blood), a Full Moon Productions staple, does have a small role and he's enjoyable in just about anything. The makeup on the beast makes it look like if the Wolfman and Jocelyn Wildenstein (google her) had a baby. The movie is thankfully short because I was begging for this movie to end quickly. If there is one redeeming value to the movie, it's the music. The heavily synthesized music is delightfully cheesy and reminiscent of 80's horror movies. Beyond that, Meridian has almost nothing going for it.

Ssssssssssssssmokin!

Meridian is the visual equivalent of a “face palm”. It is certainly not scary and by no means romantic unless you also consider “The Last House Of The Left” a romantic movie. The story is absurd with character motivation summed up as “just because”. The plot devices don't work and the extended rape scenes, while not graphic, are still incredibly disturbing. It's ridiculous that the romance between Catherine and Oliver/The Beast is based on her being drugged and taken advantage of. This is either extremely lazy writing or extremely disturbed writing. I supposed I shouldn't be surprised considering Charles Band has been behind such “classics” as Decadent Evil, Cryptz, and Terrorvision. Any goodwill he had built from Puppet Master and Re-Animator has been gone for a long time. While the basic idea of making Beauty And The Beast into a horror movie is interesting and bold, Meridian fails in just about every aspect.

2/10

Day 259: The Zombie Diaries

The Zombie Diaries

Dear diary, why does this movie suck?

The United Kingdom has had a good run recently with zombie movies. 28 Days Later and Shaun Of The Dead were both huge successes in the zombie genre despite being two completely different movies. They told different stories, but still respected the genre and created fun and entertaining zombie movies. As I've said before, it's much easier making a bad zombie movie than a good one. Just about every horror fan thinks they have a good idea for a zombie movie. While an idea may sound good on paper, the movie's fate lies in good execution. Today, I turn back to the UK for another zombie movie in hopes of lightning striking a third time.

The Zombie Diaries is a 2006 independent horror movie later released through Dimension Extreme films. The movie is shot in the "found footage" style and is not presented the typical (and expected) linear format, so I'll try to do my best in explaining things. The movie is also split up into chapters to make things even more unnecessarily confusing. Set in England, the movie begins with reports of a viral outbreak originating in Asia. Compared to bird flu, initially the Western world ignores the danger until reports of the virus reach London's doorstep. In the first chapter "Outbreak", a documentary film crew goes out to the countryside to interview a farmer dealing with the outbreak. When they reach the farm, they find no one is home and leave. Their car breaks down (of course) and they walk back to the farm and break in. They believe they are alone, but hear loud noises upstairs. They investigate only to find an eviscerated body and a zombie lumbering towards them. They run out into the words and try to plan their next move. The second chapter "The Scavengers" takes place one month after the first chapter and shows a separate group of people raiding a market for food and supplies. We now see the zombies have grow in number, despite being incredibly slow. In the third and final chapter entitled "The Survivors" we meet yet another group who have set up camp in a farm. They spend most of their time fighting zombies and bickering amongst themselves. One in the group, Goke, is particularly difficult to deal with. How are all these stories connected and how does Goke fit in with the first chapter?

Not-fast-enough food

There are good zombie movies, bad zombie movies, and zombie movies so horrendous that they make you want to completely give up on the genre. Look at that first picture at the top. That's the DVD cover to the movie. Looks pretty cool, right? Zombies emerging from a city in ruins and a badass protagonist ready to kick some undead ass. Yeah, the problem with that is there is no such scene in the movie. Not even close. The dupe people into thinking they're in for a fun zombie movie with lots of violence and action. Instead, we are forced to suffer through a pointless and insipid movie with the world's slowest zombies. I prefer slow zombies, but the ones in The Zombie Diaries move at the sound of smell. You could literally moonwalk past them and yet they are somehow able to sneak up and bite people. You would have to have your eyes closed, your nose plugged, and your fingers jammed into your ears while you loudly sing "Come Sail Away" in order to miss them.

As I've said in previous reviews, I'm not really a fan of "found footage", but done right, the style can create real scares. I felt it worked best in Cloverfield, but even Paranormal Activity had it's good moments. Above all else, both movies had a good reason for having a character hold a camera. It also boggles my mind that since this is supposed to be found footage, why the hell is their music during the movie? I mean, the music is really just electronic ambiance and swells, but in the characters' world, where did that sound come from? Did someone find the camera and then add music to it? Other than the original film crew, I have no idea why these other groups have cameras. It's never clear if it's the same camera being used and with all the time lapses and different groups, I have no way of taking a guess. Speaking of jumping around, when the movie switched from the first group to the second, I had no idea who these people were. Actually, I still don't know since their names are only mentioned once or twice and they're not particularly important.

Thrilling

 I know the filmmakers were trying to go for a big surprise ending, but the style just makes everything so confusing that I didn't even care. Normally, movies go from A to B to C. The Zombie Diaries went from A to Hot Dog to Elephant to B to C back to B to Beach Ball to A. They attempted at making social commentary, about man being the real danger, but it's presented in such a random way that it fell completely flat. Now that I think about it, there are barely any good zombie scenes in the movie.There is one or two scenes of gore and violence, but not nearly enough to even give the slightest hint at entertainment. The acting is "passable" with the best parts coming at the beginning when interviews are being conducted on the street asking about the outbreak. They're so good I think that they actually interviewed real people instead of hiring actors.

Horror fans have a certain expectation when it comes to zombie movies and The Zombie Diaries fails in every aspect. The story makes little to no sense and is a confused jumble of random characters that we feel nothing for. The zombies are incredibly slow and yet somehow manage to sneak up on some characters. There is no real reason why the characters continue to film and the addition of musical ambiance makes the style of shooting even more questionable. To my utter disbelief, they actually made a sequel to this movie. The only good thing this movie did was run for less than an hour and a half. At least they didn't bother to drag it out. Whatever you do, avoid The Zombie Diaries at all cost. DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE!

0/10

Day 158: Bloody Birthday

Bloody Birthday

If you want cake, raise a finger

Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday dear Jordan. Happy birthday to me. That's right, today, June 6^th is my birthday. I love you guys so much I don't even take my birthday off from writing a review. I could have picked a movie I loved (Dawn of the Dead) or a movie that is universally loved (Nosferatu), but instead I decided to go with a horror movie with “birthday” in the title. I can't help it, I have a weak spot for holiday-based horror movies. It seems like almost every holiday has a corresponding horror movie, though I don't think there's one for Martin Luther King Jr. Day or Arbor Day. In any event, I decided to celebrate my birthday with a birthday movie.

Blood Birthday is a 1981 horror movie about murders committed by three children. In 1970, three children, Curtis, Steven, and Debbie were born during a solar eclipse. Ten years later, all three begin to murder the adults in the small town of Meadowvale. They even go as far as killing their teacher and Debbie's dad, the town sheriff. They use bats, ropes, guns; anything that they can find to satiate their blood lust. Their classmate Timmy catches them in the act so they try to kill him by locking him in an old refrigerator at the junkyard. He escapes and tries to convince his older sister Lori that the three kids are murders. The three leave her a note posing as Timmy telling her he is in the junkyard. There, they try to run her over with a car, but she survives. Lori is an astrology enthusiast and tells Timmy that on the day of the eclipse, Saturn, which controls emotions, is blocked. That may explain why the three children are uncaring murderers. At their birthday party, one of the boys poisons one of the cakes in hopes of killing many of the partygoers. Lori stops him, but nobody believes that the children could kill anyone. Will Lori and Timmy be able to stop these pint-sized killers before it's too late?

Dennis the Menace gets real

When I came across a movie named Bloody Birthday, I expected something along the lines of April Fools Day or My Blood Valentine. You know, a slasher with a holiday theme. Not original, but fun in a nostalgic for the 80's sort of way. When I read the description about killer children, I thought maybe it would be like Village of the Damned or The Good Son. Instead, what I got was a movie about three little shitheads that easily get away with murdering a whole bunch of people with no entertainment value. There is barely a story in this movie beyond kids killing adults. The only explanation we get is they were born during an eclipse. That doesn't even count as an explanation. If that's the case, we have to assume that there's more killer children in the world because there's no way they were the only ones born at that time. It comes off as something that was thrown in at the last minute when they realize the story has no explanation. It's not like they had a long, thoughtful story planned out and just didn't have time to explain things. Seriously, these kids just kill people for about 80 minutes and not in a fun, slasher sort of way. I'm willing to suspend my disbelief, but this is just too far-fetched.

The movie does have action and a bit of excitement as long as you don't think about it for too long. For being such a violent movie, there is a shocking lack of blood and gore. The sheriff's head gets bashed with a baseball bat, but when he's shown on the ground, it doesn't even look like his hair is out of place. The acting is passable and I really wanted to bash these evil little kids. I guess that's a sign of good acting? I'm not really sure. Despite being made in the early 80's the quality of the film is pretty fuzzy and isn't helped by bad directing and editing. I'm pretty sure there was one part in the movie where the audio was so out of place that I think another movie's audio somehow made it in to this one. 

 Clearly, they're evil little assholes

For a movie named Bloody Birthday, there sure wasn't a lot of birthdaying going on. There is almost no plot and the story that does exist is not very good of convincing. The is a good amount of action and violence, but not anywhere near the amount of blood needed to make the movie fun. I should have done myself a favor and watched a movie I liked. Bloody Birthday is a bloody waste of time.

 

2/10

If you'd like to give me a birthday present, send a link to my blog to everyone you know!

Day 156: I Am Omega

I Am Omega

Omega Man

I knew it was going to be bad. It was just a matter of how bad it was going to be. I had watched a few minutes of I Am Omega when it premiered on the SyFy channel. The description mentioned something along the lines of a zombie wasteland and those words are like catnip to me. What I saw was certainly a wasteland; a wasteland of entertainment. Maybe I didn't give the movie enough time. Plenty of movies start out slow just to become great towards the end. Yeah, and maybe monkeys might fly out of Uwe Boll's ass.

I Am Omega is a 2007 horror movie starring Mark Dacascos (Iron Chef America, Double Dragon) as Renchard. Los Angeles has become a post-apocalyptic zone filled with zombie-like cannibals. It appears that the infection is widespread because Renchard cannot get a radio signal and has not seen another human being for a long time. His house has been retrofitted with fences, alarms, and flood lights which help warn him when cannibals attack. He keeps his sanity be reading, training in martial arts, and driving around the city planting charges. Renchard receives a distress call on his computer from a woman named Brianna, who is hiding somewhere in the city. She was heading to Antioch, a town supposedly free of infection, when her group was attacked and she had to take refuge. Two men, named Vincent and Mike, claiming to be from Antioch arrive at Renchard's home and ask for his help in finding Brianna. When Renchard refuses, they blow up his house and force him to help. It is revealed that Brianna is actually immune to whatever it is that turns people into cannibals and the men want to kill her because they like what the world has become. Will Renchard be able to save Brianna and survive the cannibals?

"God, I hate Bobby Flay."

Well, I watched the rest of I Am Omega and no, it did not get better. It shouldn't be a surprise because the movie was done by The Asylum, possibly the worst “studio” ever. You may remember The Asylum from my review of Zombie Apocalypse, another shittastic horror movie. I Am Omega is loosely (and I use the term loosely, if that can even be imagined) based on the novel I Am Legend by Richard Matheson. It was released about one month before Will Smith's I Am Legend hit theaters in hopes that stupid people would accidentally think this was a real movie. That's one of The Asylum's calling cards; make a direct-to-video knockoff of a popular movie, give it a similar name, and pray that idiots pay 3 dollars for it when they buy gas.

I'd say the story for I Am Omega was terrible, but that would mean there's an actual story. We have no idea what caused the outbreak or any specific details. We don't know if the infection is widespread and are given conflicting ideas; Renchard can't get a radio signal and is shocked when Brianna contacts him. If he thinks there's no one left, why bother blowing up the city? What good would that do? How did Renchard survive when everyone else died, despite him constantly leaving his weapons in his car or just out of reach. Shit just happens and we're supposed to role with it. On top of the barely-there story, we're “treated” to such exciting scenes as Mark Dacascos doing martial arts without his shirt on, Mark Dacascos driving around, and Mark Dacascos taking a piss. 

"Now where is that Hanson cd?" 

The movie was clearly rushed and probably cost about $50 to make. The “effects” are embarrassingly bad. Not counting the cannibals, who were probably just the same 2 over and over again, there are only 6 actors in the movie. The cannibals don't need to be shot in the head, so the movie ignores the basic zombie rules. I guess that's fine, since they're not officially zombies, but some distinction would have been nice. They don't look that bad, so at least the movie managed to not screw up that. There's plenty of action, but it's not entertaining and the direction is just awful. Mark Dacascos is fine for a script that must have been written on used toilet paper. His costars don't fair any better.

Movies like I Am Omega only exist in bargain bins and flea markets just to part horror fans with their hard-earned money. The Asylum just apes off the work of other movies and tries to rip people off. The story makes little to no sense and has very little entertainment value. The action isn't thrilling and there isn't much horror to speak of. The movie is rushed and cheap and you shouldn't dignify it with your time or money. All that being said, it's still probably one of the better movies from The Asylum. Of course, that's like saying that puddle of puke is better than that pile of shit.

1.5/10

Day 153: Faust: Love Of The Damned

Faust: Love Of The Damned

And that price is your dignity

Metal is my preferred choice of music. Sure I like some rock, some alternative, and even some ska, but metal is the winner. I got into heavy music in the late 90's and early 2000's, the heyday of nu-metal and Ozzfest. While I've moved on to other bands and subgenres, I still have a soft spot in my heart for that era. It always makes me smile when I see movies or products from that time and I feel the need to check it out. I decided to watch this movie based solely on it's soundtrack. I can only think of a small handful of movie where I can even remember that it had a soundtrack and all of them consist of metal bands. There's been stupider reasons for watching a horror movie. At least I hope there has been.

Faust: Love Of The damned is a 2001 horror/action film based on a comic book by Tim Vigil. An artist named John Jasper (Mark Frost) witnesses his girlfriend being murdered by gangsters and makes a deal with a mysterious man/demon named M. M grants Jasper powers as well as two gigantic Wolverine-style claws to slash his way through the gangsters. The deal comes with a terrible price as Jasper is forced to murder 19 people. He goes catatonic and is stopped by the police and committed under the observation of Dr. Jade DeCamp (Isabel Brook). Jade brings him out of his catatonia through music therapy and Jasper explains that M is the head of a satanic cult called The Hand. The chief of police, the doctors taking care of him, and other important people are all a part of the group. He goes after M, but is buried alive and sent to Hell. He escapes and can now transform into something resembling Batman crossed with the devil. He goes on a killing spree, taking out M's thugs. M kidnaps Jade, whom Jasper now has feelings for. M has plans to release a monster and open the gates of Hell. Will Jasper be able to stop M and save Jade?

Not enough, Mr. LSD-induced Batman

This movie is horrendous. Confused by my rundown of the movie? Well so am I. The story is a jumbled, confused mass of words thrown in a blender and puked up onto the screen. It takes the very very basic premise of Faust and turns it on it's head with lots of violence and blood. There are so many unanswered questions that this movie should become part of the SATs. Why in the blue hell does Jasper become a mixture of Batman, Wolverine and Satan? Look at that picture above. What the fucking fuck? What does this have to do with selling your soul or the struggle between good and evil? It's like someone decided to shoot smack into their eyeballs while watching Batman and Robin. Scenes jump around and nothing is believable. One example was before Jade and Jasper have sex, Jade some something like “I wanted you from the moment I met you” or something like that. Really? You mean after he brutally murdered a whole bunch of people and was sent to a padded room in a straightjacket? That got you all hot and bothered? They also delve into some BDSM with Jade for some reason, but for the life of me I can't figure out why. Because drugs, that's why. Everyone involved in this movie had to be taking Charlie Sheen-sized drugs for all of this to happen.

The acting in this movie is so bad, Paul Newman and Jimmy Stewart should come back from the dead just to kill everyone with dialogue. Mark Frost is so over the top that I can't tell if this is supposed to be a horror movie or a comedy. Isabel Brook manages to both under and over act and comes off like a confused deer that wanders onto a baseball field. For whatever reason, some of the actors are dubbed despite obviously speaking English. There is a decent amount of cartoonish violence and some pretty good gore. There is also some nudity and sex with a few scenes inappropriate for younger viewers. The makeup isn't half bad with some passable, if not completely insane, special effects. The soundtrack, which was the entire reason for me watching this movie, consisted of bands on Roadrunner Records including Machine Head, Fear Factory, and Sepultura. That was the only redeeming quality of the movie and all those songs were already available on other albums.

"I'm the best at what I do, and what I do is shitty acting"

Watching Faust: Love Of The Damned was the equivalent of someone cracking my head open with a mallet, pouring in battery acid, and stirring vigorously all while Lady Gaga plays in the background. The story is batshit insane with nothing really making any sense. The acting is horrific with more ham than split pea soup. While there was some passable action, it was not good enough to make this movie watchable. The music is good, but I could have easily entered each band into Youtube instead of wasting my time and hurting my soul. If you value your sanity, do not watch this movie.

1/10

Day 139: Tale Of The Mummy

Tale Of The Mummy

Mummy dearest

Despite doing over 100 horror movies reviews, I haven't watched a true mummy movie. Even though they fall under the classic monster movie category, I just never found mummies to be scary. Actually, that's not entirely true. I was terrified of the mummy exhibit at Museum of Natural History. Something about seeing corpses on display just didn't sit right with my younger self. When it comes to mummies on the big screen, though, they just don't do it for me. Maybe it's because they just look like a zombie wrapped in toilet paper. Maybe it's because the Brendan Fraiser Mummy trilogy was a fun adventure movie and not horror. Either way, it was time to give them a chance once again.

Tale of the Mummy is a 1998 horror movie starring Jason Scott Lee (The Jungle Book, Soldier) as Detective Riley. A group of archaeologists, led by Sir Richard Turkel, (Christopher Lee, Lord of the Rings, various Dracula movies) digging in Egypt discover the tomb of Talos, a powerful sorcerer/prince (I think, it's not really clear). They open the tomb, breaking the seal and unleashing a mystical wind, disintegrating their bodies. Half a century later, Sir Richard's log book ends up in the hands of his granddaughter Samantha (Louise Lombard, Hidalgo, CSI). Along with a team of archaeologists, Samantha excavates Talos's sarcophogus and puts it on display in London. A series of strange murders occurs throughout the city, with Detective Riley investigating. Each murder victim is found missing a specific body part. Riley teams up with Samantha and discovers that each missing body part was removed from Talos when he was mummified. Talos captures Samantha and it's up to Riley to stop him before the planets align and Talos is resurrected. But things are not what they seem.

"Damn am I dreamy!"

I have to commend the people involved with the movie for casting Jason Scott Lee in the lead role. It's not often you see someone of Hawaiian and Chinese descent in a lead role that isn't some sort of martial arts or historical movie. Kudos to them for going against the grain. They also wisely have Christopher Lee in the movie, though he's unfortunately in it for just a few minutes in the beginning. OK, now that I've gotten the compliments out of the way, I can get to the epic dressing-down that this movie deserves because holy fuck does it suck. This movie is a mess in every sense of the word. The story is half-assed, unclear, and flat-out boring. They tried to give a back story to Talos, but I couldn't follow and, frankly, I didn't care. There's a little side story with another archaeologist being played by Sean Pertwee (Soldier, The Mutant Chronicles) where he can see what Talos sees and then see what Sam sees and some other shit that doesn't really make sense or particularly affect the story.

Another major problem is the special effects. For a majority of the movie, Talos is a computerized mass of used toilet paper, floating through London and attacking people. Even for 1998, the effects used are embarrassingly bad. Remember the screen saver from Windows 95 that looks like a series of pipes going all over the place? That's what Talos looks like. It doesn't get much better when he gains an physical form which looks like a purple rubber alien suit. Didn't they realize that this looked at least a little stupid? The action is laughable and nothing in the movie is particularly scary or even exciting. The acting is fine, perhaps a little over-the-top at certain points, but it's one of the few bright spots in an otherwise black hole of entertainment.

Created in Final Cut Amateur

Mummies can be scary in the right hands. Unfortunately, the hands used to create Tale Of The Mummy must have been firmly jammed up someone's ass when they wrote this because it is incredibly shitty. The story is painfully bad, the special effects were bad even by 1998 standards. I read that there is actually a European version that is actually 20 minutes longer. Europeans already have enough to deal with with the collapse of the euro, they don't need to be tortured more by this terrible movie. Don't waste your time with Tale Of The Mummy.

2/10

Day 116: H.P. Lovecraft's The Tomb

H.P. Lovecraft's The Tomb

No, bullshit will lure you in

I really enjoy H.P. Lovecraft's work. I'm such a fan that I even visited his grave. The first story I ever read by him was The Rats In The Walls and I was legitimately spooked by the end. There's something about his brand of horror and science fiction that has an ageless quality to it. His worked has lead to the creation of the Cthulhu mythos (modern writers building a universe based off his works), video games, and movies. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, his works have not translated well on film. There are a few exceptions (check out my review of Dreams In The Witch-House), but overall the movies based off his stories are just not good. There has been talk of Guillermo Del Toro working on Lovecraft's “At The Mountains Of Madness,” but it is mired in studio and creative trouble. In the meantime, there's Ulli Lommel's (Zombie Nation, Zodiac Killer) movie The Tomb.

The original short story tells the tale of Jervas Dudley who sneaks into a mausoleum belonging to the Hyde family. He begins to sleep inside a tomb bearing the name of Jervas Hyde. He is unaware that he is being spied on and against his better judgment, goes to the tomb on a stormy night. He sees that the old Hyde mansion restored to it's former state and joins a party going on inside. Lightning strikes the mansion and Jervas loses consciousness. He is awoken by men working for his father and brought home. There he finds an antique box with a porcelain figure inside bearing a striking resemblance to Jervis and the initials J.H. Jervas becomes obsessed with the crypt and begins to lose his sanity. 

Even H.P. Lovecraft couldn't make a movie so terrifyingly bad

The movie follows a bald man and a blonde woman (Victoria Ullman) are trapped inside some sort of warehouse by a shrouded killer. They discover various other people trapped in the warehouse who have all been tortured and die shortly after we are introduced to them. The scenes are interspersed with cuts of a masked person riding a horse for some reason. The blonde and the man try to escape the warehouse. How are they all connected and who is this mysterious killer?

If you couldn't tell, the movie has noting to do with Lovecraft's short story. Nothing. Not a fucking thing. It's flat out wrong to include Lovecraft's name in this visual and mental trainwreck. It's a cheap trick to get people to watch a movie that would languish at the bottom of the $1 bin at the Dollar General. The story just that its such a confusing nonsensical mess that I can barely explain what is going on. It's as if someone watched Saw, took out all the good parts and puked on the camera used to shoot this abomination. The acting is downright horrendous. I've seen better performances by schizophrenics on a New York subway. It's not like the have much to work with because of the inane dialogue given to them. 

Cute puppies will lessen my rage at this movie

Lommel wasn't content with writing this piece of shit, but felt the need to bring his assness (if that's not a word, it should be) to the director's chair. Scenes are too dark and the sets a woefully cheap. I guess it's technically set in a tomb, but it looks like a half empty warehouse or beneath the bleachers of a local high school. Scenes jump too often with unnecessary and confusing shots. There's some violence, but its just so incredibly stupid that I can't even enjoy it. The ending is so confused and moronic that I am actually insulted for having watched this. It's like they said “Congratulations, you sat through this putrid pile of fuck, here's an ending so terrible you'll actually lose a few IQ points.”

The Tomb is so bad, I actually stopped two teenagers from getting it. If you like H.P. Lovecraft, I beg you not to watch this. If you like good stories, do not watch this. If you like good acting, or directing, or action, do not watch this. I would rather sit through a 24 hour marathon of Battlefield:Earth than watch this again. I would rather sleep on a bed of angry porcupines and use fire ants as a blanket than watch this again. I would rather have a naked jello wrestling match with Rush Limbaugh after he swallowed an entire bottle of Viagara and Siracha than watch this again. Fuck this movie with the power of a thousand suns.

-1/10

Day 103: Masters of Horror: Chocolate

Masters of Horror: Chocolate

Fudge

Usually when you see the title of a movie, it's a good indication of what actually occurs in said movie. Alien has an alien in it. Clear And Present Danger has danger. Erin Brockovich has someone named Erin Brockovich as the main character. You see what I'm getting at. What do you think a movie will be about when it's called “Masters of Horror: Chocolate”? You're expecting some sort of scary movie involving chocolate. Maybe evil chocolate Easter bunnies eating children or people turning into chocolate. You know, something involving horror and food. But no. Not this movie. This might as well be called “Masters of Boredom: Fuck You For An Hour”.

Masters of Horror: Chocolate stars Henry Thomas (E.T., Psycho IV) as a divorcee named Jaime who develops artificial flavors for a food company. Jaime starts seeing and experiences scenes from someone else's life. He randomly tastes chocolate, which he claims is the best chocolate he's ever had. The experiences become more intense including one scene where Jaime feels this person having sex. He also experiences this person murdering their mate in a fit of jealous rage. Jaime investigates and using his memories, is able to track down the person in western Canada. His search leads him to a woman named Catherine. Jamie confesses his love for her and they become closer. Will Jaime's love for Catherine blind him to the danger he is in and if he experiences what she experiences, does it work the other way around?

This is some damn exciting stuff

If you're wondering what the hell this movie has to do with horror, join the club. The only thing scary about this movie is that people thought it belonged in the Masters of Horror series. Nothing in this movie resembles horror. Jamie's weird sensory phenomena is never explained. Not even hinted at. This movie as an hour long and they couldn't bring themselves to give 2 minutes of explanation? They spent plenty of time making me feel really uncomfortable with awkward sex scenes. Chocolate is the first-person shooter of sex scenes. If this movie was in 3D, I would have pressed charges for aggravated sexual assault.

The story itself is uninspired and unoriginal. We've seen this type of story before in horror, such as in the Hong Kong film, Jian Gui (remade as The Eye in the United States). You know what the difference was between those movies and Chocolate? Those were fucking horror movies! The acting in Chocolate is pretty bad. If you ever wanted to see Elliot from E.T as an adult and wanted to see him have a goofy shocked look on his face for an hour, this is your movie. Matt Frewer (Max Headroom, Dawn of the Dead remake) is pretty entertaining, but his role is pretty pointless. In fact, almost all the characters with the exception of Jamie, Catherine, and her murdered lover are pointless. Why do we need to see Jamie's ex wife and kid? Or how about the woman he meets in the supermarket and sleeps with? It's all a waste of time.

Not pictured: horror

Its not fair to call Chocolate a bad horror movie because it's not even a horror movie. We can just call it a bad movie. The story is extremely weak and a majority of the scenes are pointless. The acting is pretty terrible and the numerous sex scenes scarred me for life. Do yourself a favor and avoid seeing this movie. I'm going to watch some playoff hockey to erase this movie from my memory. Go Rangers!

1/10

Day 96: Decadent Evil

Decadent Evil

Dshitty

Usually my intros have a little explanation of why I chose a movie or what a movie means to me. This time, I'll just post the description of the movie: “A vampire named Morella feasts upon the blood of strip club clientele while housing her ex-lover Marvin – part human/part reptile – in a bird cage.” If that makes any sense to you and sounds like a good movie, congratulations, you are a lunatic. I knew what I was getting into would be bad, but I didn't know just how bad.

I'm going to keep this short and sweet because if I explain too much, blood might start to pour out of your eyes. A female vampire named Morella is trying to drink the blood of 10,000 victims in order to gain control over all vampires. She keeps her ex-lover Marvin, a half man/half reptile Homonoculus, in a bird cage as punishment for cheating on her, because why not? For reasons beyond my comprehension, she thought that having two stripper minions get her victims is the best way about achieving this goal. The strippers (I'm not making this up) are named Sugar and Spyce. That's not a typo on Spyce. A man named Dex is in love with Sugar and despite dating her for a long time, hasn't noticed her vampire teeth or seen her during the day time. Vampire hunter Ivan (Phil Fondacaro, Evil Bong, Land of the Dead) clues Dex into to all the vampire information and together they go to Morella's mansion to kill her. Dex convinces Sugar to leave with him, but Spyce and Morella stop them. Ivan kills Spyce, but is stopped by Morella. Ivan sees Marvin in the cage and recognizes him as his lost father. Will Ivan be able to kill the vampire while Dex and Sugar escape to live happily ever after?

This is what happens when you can't spell correctly 

If you've managed to make it through that synopsis, God bless you. It feels like the story for Decadent Evil was written on the back of a used napkin and the dialogue was written on a filet-o-fish wrapper. The movie starts with a few minutes of explaining how Morella became a vampire. It makes no sense, mostly because it's actually clips from a completely different movie called Vampire Journals. WHY BOTHER?! It adds absolutely nothing to the movie and makes bad story even more disjointed. And why do you have to have vampire stripper minions get your victims? Wouldn't they just take away meals from you? Why do they have to be strippers? Isn't it easier just to go to a homeless shelter or a hostel and pick off people that no one will notice if they disappear? The whole Marvin side story makes even less sense. It's so incredibly stupid that it belongs at a Tea Party rally.

The movie makes it a point to explain why you can see the vampires reflection and why the show up in pictures. Something about vanity. In the very same scene, Ivan says not to believe everything you see in movies. Why change that one thing about vampires and nothing else? Crosses, garlic, and stakes to the heart seem to work just fine. Phil Fondacaro puts on the best performance in the movie, but he doesn't have much to work with. Lines from the other actors have all the emotion of a cactus. There is enough nudity and sex in this movie for it to qualify for Cinemax: After Dark, but it's far from enjoyable. There's some action, but nothing to really keep you interested. The movie clocks in at just over an hour, so I should be grateful that this ended quickly.

WHY IS THIS IN A MOVIE?!?

Simply put, Decadent Evil is a wretched pile of shit. The story makes NO SENSE, the dialogue is ridiculous, and the acting is terrible. Apparently it took 6 days to film this movie, which is about 7 days too long. For whatever reason, they felt the need to make a sequel. I guess they couldn't fit in more insane things like a talking muffin or a vampire pimp. Either way, avoid this monstrosity of a movie at all cost.

1.5/10

Day 47: The Quick And The Undead

The Quick And The Undead

More like the Long and the Painful to watch

Westerns and zombies. That sounds fun right? Plenty of possibilities in two genres rich with good movies. Maybe a mixture of Shane and Night of the Living Dead? Or how about 3:10 to Yuma and 28 Days Later? Those ideas would involve some creativity and thought. Both are absent from The Quick and the Undead. I put more effort into this opening paragraph then they did for this movie.

The Quick and the Undead follows the story of zombie bounty hunter, Ryn (no, I didn't misspell that) Baskin. Apparently, 80 years ago, there was some sort of zombie plague that decimated the western United States and the government is paying bounties in exchange for killing the undead. Ryn is double-crossed by his helper Hans and is shot by a rival bounty hunters. He somehow survives a bullet, getting his pinkie cut off, and being bitten by a zombie, catches up to Hans and finds out that the bounty hunters are headed towards Union City. Ryn eventually (thankfully) kills Hans and heads into Union City, which is zombie central. Will Ryn gain revenge on those that crossed him or will the zombies get him first?

Can I have the next dance?

I'm not going to sugar-coat it; this movie sucks. IT SUCKS! IT BLOWS! IT SANTORUMS! There are so many things wrong with it I almost don't know where to begin. Ryn may be the worst zombie hunter in the history of zombie movies. He lures zombies out with bits of bloody meat and stands about 10 feet away while he shoots them with a slow reloading rifle. He misses plenty of close range shots and doesn't bother hiding. He has some sort of immunity towards he zombie bite, but instead of getting his life-saving blood to the government, he just dicks around ghost towns in clothes more suited for a Ministry concert. He gets shot twice in the movie and gets his pinkie cut off, but still manages to get around just fine. There is barely a story and what little story exists is completely terrible. Why bother risking your life killing zombies when you can just go to a cemetery, dig up some bodies and take their pinkies. It would be safer and easier, don't you think?

Judging by the locations, I'd say this movie cost about $100 to make. It's mostly shot outdoors and the one big scene in “Union City” looks like the theater department of your local community college. The acting ranges from passable to insultingly bad. I want to smash Hans in the face every time he spoke, and I suppose that's the point, but it was to the point where I wanted to turn the movie off. Ryn is supposed to be a Clint Eastwood-type, but his character is so inept, it's an insult to Clint Eastwood. It's even an insult to Clint Eastwood's stunt double. The makeup for the zombies is decent and there is some blood, so I guess I should be thankful for that. I'm pretty sure there's one scene where a bounty hunter gets eaten and shouts “Choke on 'em” ala Captain Rhodes from Day of the Dead. I really hope I just imagined that because I wouldn't want to associate a good zombie movie with this.

Jump. For the love of God, please jump!

I still think mixing westerns and zombie movies could be a good idea, but The Quick and the Undead made me question it's potential. They managed to do just about everything wrong in this movie. Bad story, bad dialogue, bad acting, and the absence of logic made this a painful and unpleasant watch. At least there were actual flesh-eating zombies in this movie. Plain and simple, unless you want to torture yourself, don't waste your time on The Quick and the Undead.

1.5/10