Day 67: Repossessed

Repossessed

Not going to lie. I don't remember Leslie Nielsen being dressed like that in the movie.

I'm a huge Leslie Nielsen fan. Whenever one of the Naked Gun movies is on TV, I stop what I'm doing and watch. I'll even give my time to some of his lesser comedies likes Spy Hard and some of the Scary Movies. Most people don't know that Nielsen was a serious actor for many years. Look up Swamp Fox from Disney to see what I mean. He was also capable of being completely evil in the original Creepshow. He was a triple threat and what better way to celebrate than with a horror-themed comedy starring Mr. Nielsen.

Repossessed is a 1990 spoof on classic horror movie, The Exorcist. Linda Blair from the original Exorcist stars as Nancy Aglet. Nancy was once possessed by the Devil when she was a little girl and has become possessed once again through the TV. With no medical explanation, Nancy reaches out to Father Luke Brophy (Anthony Starke) for help. Out of his element, Luke reaches out to the priest that conducted Nancy's exorcism, Father Jedediah Mayii (Leslie Nielsen). Mayii refuses, claiming poor health. Luke then turns to the Church for help, who recommends he teams up with televangelists, Ernest (Ned Beatty, Superman, Deliverance) and Fanny Weller (Lana Schwab, The Bridges of Madison County) for a live exorcism on TV. Horrified at the thought, Luke reaches out to Mayii once again. Convinced that he is the only person capable of defeating the Devil, Mayii hits the gym and gets in fighting shape. The televised exorcism hits the skids when a possessed Nancy gets serious and starts raising hell. Will Father Mayii (get it?) and Father Luke be able to save Nancy and send the Devil back to hell?

The power of Chris comBLAAAARRGGHHH

Since Repossessed is a spoof, it's safe to say that the plot isn't particularly important. Most of the effort is put towards visual gags and typical Leslie Nielsen comedy. The movie came out around 1990, but at times it feels very, very dated. The Naked Gun series relied more on general comedy whereas Repossessed used a lot of topical humor, which gets lost on the younger audience and even people that have forgotten about events from that time. Scenes like Sean Penn punching photographers and Leslie Nielsen dressed as the Ayatollah are still funny, but you do have search the recesses of your mind to remember why. Good comedy doesn't have a sell-by date and unfortunately a lot of jokes in this movie have one. That's not to say the movie isn't funny, because despite what some uptight critics say, it is. It's just not timeless comedy.

Leslie Nielsen is excellent as Father Mayii and Linda Blair is great as the possessed Nancy. Ned Beatty nails the televangelists of the 80's and Lana Schwab is particularly enjoyable as a Tammy Faye Baker spoof. Anthony Starke is good in his role and its a surprise to see that he hasn't been in much else. Cameos by Jesse “The Body” Ventura and “Mean” Gene Okerlund to call the fight between Mayii and Nancy is very funny and warms my wrestling mark heart. The movie is pretty light on actual horror, but we're really watching to laugh, not to be scared. The references to the original Exorcist are appreciated and good for a few chuckles. Heck, the movie even has it's own theme song. More movies need their own theme.

Speak softly and carry a big Louisville Slugger

While it doesn't reach the level of the Naked Gun series, Repossessed is still a fun, if not forgotten, movie. Leslie Nielsen and Linda Blair are a lot of fun to watch with a good supporting cast. The jokes are there, but some feel very dated when it comes to topical material. If you like the Exorcist and you like Leslie Nielsen, ignore the critics, and check this movie out for yourself. You just might like it.

6.5/10

Day 66: Phantoms

Phantoms

Vague poster is vague

“Affleck, you were the bomb in Phantoms, yo!” I, like most teenage boys, was a big Kevin Smith fan back in high school. That line always from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back always stuck out to me because I never got the reference. I had only known Ben Affleck from Good Will Hunting and various Kevin Smith movies. I guess it just flew under my radar for years, so I figured I would give it a shot and see if, in fact, Affleck was “the bomb.”

Based off the novel by Dean Koontz, Phantoms stars Rose McGowan (Planet Terror, Ready to Rumble) as Lisa and Joanna Going (Wyatt Earp, The Tree of Life) as her sister Jenny. They arrive in the small mountain town of Snowfield to find it eerily deserted. The come across the mangled corpse of their cleaning lady. Their jeep no longer works, so they walk to the police station, where they find a dead police officer. They are soon joined by Sheriff Bryce Hammond (Ben Affleck), and his deputies Stu Wargle (Liev Schreiber, X-Men Origins:Wolverine, Salt) and Steve Shanning (Nicky Katt, Dazed and Confused, A Time To Kill). A series of eerie events including flashing lights and mysterious music lead them to a hotel where a message written on a mirror talking about a Professor Flyte (Peter O'Toole, Lawrence of Arabia, Man of La Mancha) and The Ancient Enemy. Steve is mysteriously murdered by an unseen enemy and the rest of the group flee to the police station where Hammond calls on the radio for help from the army and to find Professor Flyte. Stu is attacked by a giant moth creature that completely eats his face and brain in seconds. Professor Flyte is taken to the town by the FBI and informs them that the Ancient Enemy has wiped out entire species and civilizations in the past. The Ancient Enemy, believing itself to be the Devil, quickly kills the soldiers and implants itself in the bodies of dead scientists. The Enemy commands Flyte to “write the gospel” and tell the world that it will be destroyed. Will Hammond, Flyte, Lisa and Jenny be able to stop The Ancient Enemy and save the world?

It's hard to understand you when I look this awesome

Phantoms feels like two movies in one and thankfully both movies are good. The first half of the movie has plenty of suspense and mystery with the girls wandering around an empty town with strange occurrences startling them. Flashing lights and disturbing whispers over the phone definitely give off a creepy vibe for anyone that's ever been home alone. The second half, where the army comes into town and The Ancient Enemy is revealed, feels more like a sci-fi action movie. There are plenty of action shots to keep your heart pounding and your mind wondering what is next. It has a good combination of startling moments and genuine creepiness. The effects are good, but compared to today, nothing special.

I can confirm that Ben Affleck is indeed “the bomb.” He does well in his role as the Sheriff, and while he may not be an action star, he could do well in other police and authority roles in the future. Schreiber is great in his particularly douchey role of Deputy Wargle. His sanity is slipping and he tries to compensate with little laughs and side comments. You're practically cheering for the Ancient Enemy to kill him. Rose McGowan, as cute as ever, does well as the scared Lisa, but since seeing her in more confident roles, I almost feel like she was miscast and should have had the role of Jenny. O'Toole is just fantastic, but that's no surprise.

The Phantoms are coming from inside the house! Wait, wrong movie.

Phantoms has plenty of action, mystery and suspense to keep people entertained. Even if you don't like horror, you'd be hard-pressed not to at least get some entertainment out of this movie. It's a creative story that is complemented by a very good cast. Phantoms is definitely worth your time.

8/10

Day 65: Satan's Little Helper

Satan's Little Helper

Smile like you mean it

Ahh another movie based around Halloween. I had actually sought out this movie based on the ridiculous name and good trailer. Rarely do I purchase of a movie based off of a trailer, but there was no way I was going to see it on TV and I don't download movies. I have purchased some horror movies in the past based on a whim and have been deeply, deeply disappointed. Lucky for me, this movie broke the curse.

Satan's Little Helper follows young Dougie Whooly on Halloween. Dougie is obsessed with a new video game called “Satan's Little Helper” where your character creates all sorts of mischief and mayhem in the name of the dark lord. He's even dressed up like the character from the game. Dougie's sister, Jenna (Kathryn Winnick, Bones, Hellraiser: Hellworld) has returned home from college to go trick-or-treating with Dougie and has brought her new boyfriend Alex. Alex offers to go with them, but Dougie, who has a crush on his sister, runs away. He sees somewhere dressed as Satan, setting up what looks like to be dead bodies in humorous positions. He asks Satan if he can be his helper and Satan silently agrees. Dougie sets up a plan for Satan to knock out Alex, pose as him, and scare Jenna and Dougie's mom. Jenna thinks Satan is actually Alex and goes along with the game, not realizing that she is in real danger. Satan run around town, injuring and killing people, while Dougie thinks it's all a game. Dougie and Jenna finally realize the truth when Satan kills their father in gruesome fashion. Satan kidnaps their mother (Amanda Plummer, Pulp Fiction, So I Married an Axe Murderer) and takes her to the town's big Halloween party. It's up to Jenna and a revived Alex to stop Satan from killing mom and hurting more people.

Cheese!

Plain and simple, I really enjoyed Satan's Little Helper. It has a great mix of dark humor and slasher horror. The movie definitely draws on inspiration from Halloween and Michael Myers, with the villain never being heard or really seen. Despite being in a mask the entire movie, the actor portraying Satan actually manages to emote in a very convincing way. The excellent-looking mask is always smiling which makes every slow shake and nod of the head extra creepy. Satan is also the basis for much of the humor in the movie, whether he's hamming it up with a corpse to pose for a picture or flipping the bird to someone making fun of his costume. Winnick does very well in her role as both a damsel in distress and as a strong heroine towards the end. Plummer is delightful in her kooky mom role.

Things get a bit trickier when talking about the young actor playing Dougie. Dougie is either the stupidest kid in movie history or possibly an evil genius. No kid could be so stupid as to think a character from a video game is real and that all the people being murdered are just playing around. There is either something seriously wrong with him or he knows exactly what is going on and is more evil than Lex Luthor, Voldemort, and Dick Cheney combined. It's not the actor's fault, they just wrote him to be dumber than dirt.The movie is shot in HD, but at times it looks somewhat cheaper than more mainstream movies. It's possible that it is due to me watching on a pre-HD television or because the technology just wasn't there yet. All that being said, the movie still looks good despite being made for cheap. 

You'll never survive middle school, kid

Satan's Little Helper has plenty of scares, both the startling jump-at-you-from-the-dark kind and the deeper, psychological kind that creeps up on you. There is some willing suspension of disbelief needed to believe the entire story, but not enough to cut in on you entertainment. It has a good amount of dark humor that will elicit some real laughs. This movie has the potential for multiple viewings and is definitely worth your time.

8.5/10

Day 64: Out For Blood

Out For Blood

Bats all, folks!

Don't let the title fool you. Unfortunately, this isn't a Steven Seagal vampire movie. That will have to wait for another day. The poster advertised it as “Vampires: Out For Blood,” but the opening credits just said “Out For Blood” so I'm going to stick with that. Zombie Apocalypse and Zombies Zombies Zombies did the same thing. Pick a name and stick with it. I understand the need to alter names for overseas markets, but I think that's giving these movies too much credit.

Out For Blood stars Kevin Dillion (Entourage, The Blob) as police officer Hank Holton. Told in mostly in a flashback from a mental institution, Hank is going through a messy divorce which isn't helping his drinking and rage problems. He is obsessed with his soon-to-be ex-wife, famed vampire novelist Susan Hastings (Vanessa Angel, Kingpin, Weird Science television show) and follows her around. Hank is assigned a missing persons case that leads him to a pseudo-gothic nightclub. He finds the missing girl, Layla, alive and well and joins her at an after-party that turns out to be some sort of vampire orgy. Hank fights them off, but is bitter by The Master. His boss, Captain Billings (Lance Henriksen, The Terminator, Aliens) does not believe him and worries that Hank is losing his mind. Hank begins to show vampiric symptoms and reaches out to his wife for help. Hank and Susan take the fight to the vampires and their helpers (here they are called Wraiths, in other movies they're referred to as Familiars). Susan is turned into a vampire by the Master and it is up to Hank to save her and kill the Master. Will he be able to save the day and why does he end up in an insane asylum?

Despite my new vampire powers, I still sweat like a mule

If you've seen any movie where the main focus is on changing into a vampire, you have a pretty good idea about what will happen in this movie. Out For Blood isn't particularly original or creative, but it still has some entertainment value. There is a decent amount of action and plenty of blood. The makeup is decent, on par with the Buffy The Vampire Slayer television series. The makeup and prosthetic pieces used for The Master are extra rubbery, making him look more like a Gremlin than a vampire. One scene towards the end in particular annoyed me where Hank kills a vampire, but no one believes him because there is no body and nothing came up on surveillance. When Hank kills the vampire, he gets covered in blood, but when he explains what happened to Captain billings, he's perfectly clean. Where did the blood go? Why is the floor clean? These are cops, why can't they do simple police work?

Dillon does a pretty good job in his role and Lance Henriksen is pretty excellent as Cpt. Billings. Vanessa Angel is a bit miscast, because she was excellent in the Weird Science television series. The movie lacked humor, which is unfortunate because I think it would have added more entertainment to the movie and would have put Angel more in her comfort zone. The dialogue is fine, although there is one line that is directly lifted from Total Recall. Maybe it was a pure coincidence, but I'm surprised no one noticed. It's a well-known line.

Don't feed me after midnight

Out For Blood is a pretty basic vampire movie. You have a pretty good idea of what is going to happen and the movie deserves credit for still being able to entertain me. Maybe it helped that there was more nudity in this movie than a movie called Zombies vs. Strippers. Go figure. There is a decent amount of action and enough blood to keep horror fans satisfied. Dillion and Henriksen do a good job, but Angel looks a bit lost in her role. Ultimately, Out For Blood is a by-the-numbers vampire movie. You could do better, but you could do far worse.

6/10

Day 63: Lost Treasure Of The Grand Canyon

The Lost Treasure Of The Grand Canyon

Lost and unfortunately found

It's Creature Feature Saturday once again. I'm still putting off watching the Tara Reid movie “Vipers.” Don't you worry. I'll dive into that visual car crash soon enough, but for now I tried something a little different. I have no real reason for picking The Lost Treasure of the Grand Canyon other than Shannen Doherty being in it. I guess I had some mental 90210 connection from my previous review, The Screwfly Solution. Yeah, sure. We'll go with that excuse. I figured since it had a real actress in it, it might not be completely terrible. Once again, I was wrong.

The Lost Treasure of the Grand Canyon takes place in the Grand Canyon during the late 19^th century. A team of researchers from the Smithsonian museum have stumbled across a hidden Aztec civilization within the canyon. As weeks pass, Susan Jordan (Shannen Doherty, 90210, Mallrats) sets out an expedition to find the researchers, her father being among the lost. Joined by the scholarly Jacob Thain (Stargate SG-1's Michael Shanks), researcher Marco (JR Bourne, The Exorcism of Emily Rose) and others, Susan sets out into the canyon. The group reaches the hidden civilization and discover that the surviving members of the team are being sacrificed. Susan's father is found alive in informs the group that the Aztec god, Quetzalcoatl, is real and is terrorizing the Aztecs. Will the group escape the hidden civilization with valuable artifacts or will they become a meal for the Aztec god.

Gimme a hug, big guy!

At it's most basic, the story in Lost Treasure is not that bad. Group gets lost, other group goes in search of them, bad stuff happens. Plenty of movies can't even get that far. It's when we go slightly deeper that the movie begins to fall apart faster than an Ikea bookshelf being held together with gum. An ancient civilization is hiding in the Grand Canyon. What. The. Hell. No one has noticed until now? They haven't ventured out into the outside world once? Where do they get food? It's just completely ridiculous, even for a SyFy movie. No one has seen this giant flying Aztec god? Speaking of Quetzalcoatl, the computer effects used to create him look like they were made on a Commodore 64. Remember the computerized Reptile from Mortal Kombat: Annihilation? Yeah it looked like that, but with some baby puke thrown on top of it. The movie is set in the desert, so you'd assume most of the money would go into making the creature look good. If that's the case, this movie was made with spare change.

Shannen Doherty does her best with a silly story and a weak script. Michael Shanks tries to hold things together, but I feel like he was dying a little bit inside delivering some of his lines. The rest of the cast though are downright painful to listen to. There is little action as a majority of the story is focused on the search for the lost group and then a search for a way out. It takes all the boring wandering moments from Lord of the Rings, puts it in the desert, and gets rid of all that pesky action and entertainment that LOTR had. I found myself getting increasingly bored as the movie progressed. The opposite is supposed to happen, especially in a horror movie. 

I wonder what Dylan and Kelly are up to right now

The Lost Treasure of the Grand Canyon is plagued with a nonsensical story, a lack of logic, poor dialogue, minimum action, and bad acting. The special effects are laughable and makes me wonder why actors would want to be in this movie. It's your typical Saturday afternoon SyFy throwaway movie, next to such winners as SS Doomtrooper and Ice Spiders. Save yourself the brain cells, and skip this movie.

2.5/10

Day 62: Masters of Horror: The Screwfly Solution

Masters of Horror: The Screwfly Solution

Give me a piece of that Screwfly pie

Usually I have a clever intro or a story to tell of how the movie I watched relates to something personal. Nothing really comes to mind for this movie. I pretty much picked it because Jason Priestly (90210) and Elliot Gould (American History X, Ocean's Eleven) are in it. Nothing wrong with that, right? Both are good actors (Elliot Gould would be considered “good” anyway). The synopsis I read seemed sort of interesting, I guess. Sometimes you just have to take risks and you might be pleasantly surprised...or made to feel pretty uncomfortable.

The Screwfly Solution is based on a short story written by James Tiptree Jr (aka Alice Sheldon). The basic premise of the story is that an epidemic is sweeping the world causing men to brutally murder women. Alan (Jason Priestly) and Barney (Elliot Gould) are scientists that are trying to combat the epidemic. They describe how scientists were able to modify the Screwfly population so that they could not reproduce and believe that the same thing is happening to people. Men can no longer separate sex and aggression and are murdering women with religious fervor. Alan's wife Anne (Kerry Norton) has been helping women at the shelter she works at and fears that Alan may be succumbing to the epidemic. She flees to a log cabin with her daughter for safety, where they are found by a homicidal Alan. They escape, but apparently her daughter is incredibly stupid because she runs back towards her father, leading to unfortunate results. Anne makes her way to British Columbia, where she camps in the woods and poses as a man. There, she discovers the true cause for the epidemic. Will Anne be the last female left on Earth?

(sigh) Another birthday, another pile of dead bodies from Grandma

This movie made me incredibly uncomfortable with all the violence towards women and there is a lot of it. I guess that is the purpose, but it really hindered my ability to enjoy what I was watching. It made me want to yell at all the male characters to leave them alone. The story feels very rushed in the hour-long format of the Masters of Horror series and I feel the ending comes completely out of left field. The big reveal for the cause of the epidemic feels like a cheap cop-out by today's standards. I won't spoil it for you, but I literally said “Really?” I appreciate that they stayed true to the source material, but they should have put in an effort to leave more clues or foreshadow. As a short story, I can definitely see how The Screwfly Solution would be both compelling and scary, but on film it doesn't translate as well as it should have.

Director Joe Dante (Gremlins, Eerie, Indiana) tries to go for creative shots, but the movie looks cheaper than other installments of MoH. It feels like they spent all their budget on some CGI at the very end. Besides that, there are minimal effects. Maybe it was just the film the used. Priestly and Gould both do a good job in their roles. Norton starts off a bit weak, but she won me over in her survivalist mode towards the end. 

Beard time!

Ultimately, The Screwfly Solution comes off as a good short story and a mediocre movie. The violence made me incredibly uncomfortable and may have even been focused on too much. The acting is decent all around, but the directing should have been better. It was not the best that Masters of Horror has to offer. The social commentary is very strong, which is good for a horror movie, but if you're just looking for monsters and guts, this isn't for you. If you get the chance, read the story and skip the movie.

4/10

Day 61: Zombie Apocalypse

Zombie Apocalypse

They put more effort into the poster than the script

Sometimes a little bit of research before watching a movie will really help you from making a bad decision. I read the description for Zombie Apocalypse (or 2012: Zombie Apocalypse because for some reason, we need the year thrown in the title) and thought it might be a decent watch. Zombies and Ving Rhames? We've seen this before (Dawn and Day of the Dead) with pretty good results. And the title shares a name with a really good hardcore band I like. If only I had taken the time to see who had made the movie, I would have saved myself some serious mental anguish.

Zombie Apocalypse (I refuse to put the pointless 2012 in the title) has a beginning very reminiscent of the awesome 80's movie Red Dawn in the fact that the entire world goes to hell within the first minute of the movie. The VM2 virus turns people into zombies and spreads across Europe and eventually makes it's way to the United States. In order to contain the infected, the government cuts off major transportation arteries like roads and bridges. Then they detonate Electro-magnetic pulses to cut off electronic devices among the population. I guess the government must have magical non-electronic devices that the EMPs won't take out. The population has been devastated and only small bands of people roam the country looking for a safe haven. Anyway, Ramona (Taryn Manning, 8 Mile, Cold Mountain), Billie (Eddie Steeples, Darnell from My Name Is Earl) and Kevin are wandering through a town when they are attacked by zombies. A group of people, including Henry (Ving Rhames, Dawn of the Dead, Pulp Fiction) come to their rescue, but not before the zombies bite Kevin. The group is headed towards Los Angeles because there is a rumor that there is a ship that comes to pick up survivors and bring them to the safe island of Catalina. Will they be able to make it to Catalina or will they become dinner for a hungry group of zombies?

Mr. Rhames! Can I have a hug? OWWWW!

If I had done my research, I would have found out that this movie was made by The Asylum, creators of such masterpieces as “2010: Moby Dick,” “Titanic II,” “Freakshow,” (read my review for that garbage) and countless titles that try to confuse their movies with popular titles (Snakes on a Train, The Amityville Haunting). I knew I was screwed when the first screen of the movie said “SyFy Films”.

Zombie Apocalypse is just about every zombie movie you've ever seen with more aimless wandering. If I say “zombie movie” you already have a pretty good idea of what is going to happen. While most zombie movies try to include social commentary, Zombie Apocalypse smacks you in the face within the first seconds of the movie with some far-out “the government is abandoning you” propaganda that may or may not have been intentional. Beyond that, the movie has nothing to say. Nothing about inequality or the environment. There aren't even evil humans in the movie, practically a staple on zombie lore. There are plenty of zombie-fighting scenes, but upon closer look, I found out that the movie uses the same zombie actors over and over. They couldn't even bring a change of clothes to make them look different? I guess it doesn't matter because the computerized effects are SyFy-level awful.

Most of the characters are pretty unremarkable and I'm actually struggling to remember any of their names. Besides Ving Rhames, most of the acting is mediocre. Taryn Manning is the Red Oak of wooden acting with a voice made of gravel to boot. The movie really suffers from not having a main character. We start with Ramona and her friends, but she gets pushed aside very quickly. The audience doesn't connect with any of the characters and never cares if they live or die. What's the point of having a large group of people in a zombie movie if you're not going to kill most of them off? While all of this would have made Zombie Apocalypse a mediocre movie, but in the last 10 minutes, it falls of a cliff and crashes into the side of a mountain all because of two words: Zombie tigers. No, wait, three words: Fucking zombie tigers. Tigers are never eluded to or mentioned throughout the entire movie. They just show up at the end of the movie because why not.

Pictured: Fucking zombie tiger

Zombie Apocalypse is a thoroughly unoriginal zombie movie with little story and mostly poor acting. The special effects are the same computerized drek you'd see in typical SyFy movies. Save yourself the trouble and avoid the movie Zombie Apocalypse. Instead, listen to the band Zombie Apocalypse and play some Left 4 Dead. You'll be much happier.

3/10