Day 301: Dead Men Walking

Dead Men Walking

Walk this way

I hate The Asylum film studio/distributor. You may think that hate is a strong word and I agree, but it's appropriate for my feelings towards this company. My animosity is two-fold: First, The Asylum resorts to making cheap horror films using the same names and plots as other, more popular horror films. A quick scan of their horror section (yes, they do other genres for some reason) brings up movies with such thinly-veiled titles as Snakes On A Train, Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies, Transmorphers, AVH: Alien vs. Hunter, H.G. Wells' War Of The Worlds, and Paranormal Entity. Part of their business plan is to piggy-back off the work and success of other movies in hopes that people accidentally buy their product thinking it's the movie they're actually looking for. My second point of contention is the severe lack of quality to their films. I don't expect anything from movies like Mega Python vs. Gatoroid or The 9/11 Commission Report. It's when the movie sound potentially good, thereby duping unsuspecting consumers just looking to for a decent horror movie. I've fallen into their trap (though at no cost, thankfully) and have sat through some very terrible movies. Feel free to go in the way-back machine and read my reviews on Zombie Apocalypse, Freakshow, The Beast Of Bray Road, and I Am Omega. If you don't feel like reading those reviews, I'll give you the short version: They all suck. Of course, it's not fair to just say every movie on their list is an abomination.

Dead Men Walking is an independent 2005 zombie movie starring Bay Bruner (Bachelor Party Massacre) as Samantha Beckett, an official with the Center For Disease Control. A man named Travis Dee is arrested after going on a murdering spree, shooting people infected with an unknown virus. Infected blood gets in his eyes and mouth and as he arrives at Haywood Maximum Security Prison, Travis has become very ill. He begins to vomit blood directly into the face of the prison doctor before being hauled off to solitary confinement. On the way, he vomits blood on several inmates. When he continues to vomit, a guard lets him out of his cell only to be bitten by a now-zombified Travis. He is shot in the head by the head guard, Lt. Sweeny (Chriss Anglin, Hillside Cannibals, Dracula's Curse), splattering blood on the guards. Beckett is sent to the prison and speaks with Johnny (Griff Furst, American Heiress, Alien Abduction) another prisoner who came in to Haywood with Travis. He explains that Travis was talking about a highly contagious toxin that had infected his friends, forcing him to kill them. The virus spreads throughout the prison, causing a full-scale zombie riot. The guards try to kill the zombies, but are soon overrun. The prison is put in lockdown Will Beckett and Johnny be able to escape the prison before it is too late?

Too...much...chocolate...pudding...

It's pretty clear that the entire basis for Dead Men Walking came from the simple idea of “zombies in a prison”. It's actually a fun and different idea in terms of zombie movies. You already have plenty of weapons on hand, places to hide, and lots of disposable people to become zombies. Beyond that premise, there really isn't much going on in the movie. The plot is pretty thin and barely a whisper of social commentary. It's almost as if they started filming the movie without having a specific story that they wanted to tell. At least they gave a brief description of how the virus came about, something that a lot of other zombie movies don't even bother with. Granted, it's not a good explanation, but I appreciate the tiny effort. The acting is mediocre with Chriss Anglin putting in the best performance as Lt. Sweeny. He gets off a few funny lines and plays his role well. Bay Bruner is not too good, but this appears to be her first movie, so I'll cut her some slack. The Asylum has a habit of using the same actors for multiple movies. I have to assume that's because most other actors want nothing to do with them.

The movie has a lot of action and a large amount of blood and a decent amount of gore. Seriously, the movie should have just been called “Blood Vomit”. There are multiple scenes of entrails being ripped apart, and while it is gory, it's nothing you haven't seen before. The makeup for the zombies looks decent and there is good usage of prosthetics. For being a maximum security prison, there aren't a lot of guards in the movie. Hell, there's not that many prisoners. The movie has a habit of introducing unimportant characters in the middle of the movie without much explanation or forethought. Writer Mike Watt crams in different types of people who would be in a prison, like a woman visiting her man for a conjugal visit or a mother with two children visiting their father, just to kill them. That's all fine and good, but why do they just randomly pop up in the middle of the movie? It would have been better if they were introduced earlier and then we check in on them later on. By having them show up halfway through the movie, it kills the momentum and forces the audience to say “Wait. Who the hell is that?” The direction is fine, though certain scenes are a little too dark and make it difficult to see. 

"Not on the first date!"

Dead Men Walking is a fun idea for a zombie movie. Unfortunately, that idea the best part of the film as the story goes nowhere and the acting leaves something to be desired. The movie does have a lot action and the zombies look decent. There is a lot of vomiting, so if you're sensitive to that, you may not want to eat before watching. Dead Men Walking is better than other movies by The Asylum, but that's not saying much. It has it's moments and if you're looking for a basic zombie movie, you could do worse. If you're looking for things like story, character development, or good acting, you should pass on Dead Men Walking.

4.5/10

Day 156: I Am Omega

I Am Omega

Omega Man

I knew it was going to be bad. It was just a matter of how bad it was going to be. I had watched a few minutes of I Am Omega when it premiered on the SyFy channel. The description mentioned something along the lines of a zombie wasteland and those words are like catnip to me. What I saw was certainly a wasteland; a wasteland of entertainment. Maybe I didn't give the movie enough time. Plenty of movies start out slow just to become great towards the end. Yeah, and maybe monkeys might fly out of Uwe Boll's ass.

I Am Omega is a 2007 horror movie starring Mark Dacascos (Iron Chef America, Double Dragon) as Renchard. Los Angeles has become a post-apocalyptic zone filled with zombie-like cannibals. It appears that the infection is widespread because Renchard cannot get a radio signal and has not seen another human being for a long time. His house has been retrofitted with fences, alarms, and flood lights which help warn him when cannibals attack. He keeps his sanity be reading, training in martial arts, and driving around the city planting charges. Renchard receives a distress call on his computer from a woman named Brianna, who is hiding somewhere in the city. She was heading to Antioch, a town supposedly free of infection, when her group was attacked and she had to take refuge. Two men, named Vincent and Mike, claiming to be from Antioch arrive at Renchard's home and ask for his help in finding Brianna. When Renchard refuses, they blow up his house and force him to help. It is revealed that Brianna is actually immune to whatever it is that turns people into cannibals and the men want to kill her because they like what the world has become. Will Renchard be able to save Brianna and survive the cannibals?

"God, I hate Bobby Flay."

Well, I watched the rest of I Am Omega and no, it did not get better. It shouldn't be a surprise because the movie was done by The Asylum, possibly the worst “studio” ever. You may remember The Asylum from my review of Zombie Apocalypse, another shittastic horror movie. I Am Omega is loosely (and I use the term loosely, if that can even be imagined) based on the novel I Am Legend by Richard Matheson. It was released about one month before Will Smith's I Am Legend hit theaters in hopes that stupid people would accidentally think this was a real movie. That's one of The Asylum's calling cards; make a direct-to-video knockoff of a popular movie, give it a similar name, and pray that idiots pay 3 dollars for it when they buy gas.

I'd say the story for I Am Omega was terrible, but that would mean there's an actual story. We have no idea what caused the outbreak or any specific details. We don't know if the infection is widespread and are given conflicting ideas; Renchard can't get a radio signal and is shocked when Brianna contacts him. If he thinks there's no one left, why bother blowing up the city? What good would that do? How did Renchard survive when everyone else died, despite him constantly leaving his weapons in his car or just out of reach. Shit just happens and we're supposed to role with it. On top of the barely-there story, we're “treated” to such exciting scenes as Mark Dacascos doing martial arts without his shirt on, Mark Dacascos driving around, and Mark Dacascos taking a piss. 

"Now where is that Hanson cd?" 

The movie was clearly rushed and probably cost about $50 to make. The “effects” are embarrassingly bad. Not counting the cannibals, who were probably just the same 2 over and over again, there are only 6 actors in the movie. The cannibals don't need to be shot in the head, so the movie ignores the basic zombie rules. I guess that's fine, since they're not officially zombies, but some distinction would have been nice. They don't look that bad, so at least the movie managed to not screw up that. There's plenty of action, but it's not entertaining and the direction is just awful. Mark Dacascos is fine for a script that must have been written on used toilet paper. His costars don't fair any better.

Movies like I Am Omega only exist in bargain bins and flea markets just to part horror fans with their hard-earned money. The Asylum just apes off the work of other movies and tries to rip people off. The story makes little to no sense and has very little entertainment value. The action isn't thrilling and there isn't much horror to speak of. The movie is rushed and cheap and you shouldn't dignify it with your time or money. All that being said, it's still probably one of the better movies from The Asylum. Of course, that's like saying that puddle of puke is better than that pile of shit.

1.5/10

Day 83: The Beast of Bray Road

The Beast of Bray Road

The Shit of Shitty Shit

I haven't watched a werewolf movie in a while. The genre hasn't really interested me since Teen Wolf. I see the appeal of the animalistic nature in man and all that jazz. I just don't think there are a lot of stories to tell. All that being said, it was time to dive into a werewolf movie. The Beast of Bray Road is based on an urban legend. Ok, that sounds interesting. I'll give it a shot. Press Play. “The Asylum Presents.” Oh hell.

I'm going to put about as much effort into this review as they did in this movie. A werewolf is terrorizing a small Wisconsin town and it's up to a sheriff that looks strangely like Zach Braff, whom I shall now refer to as Brach Zaff, to stop it. Brach is skeptical of the local legends telling of the beast. Unfortunately for him, he's a terrible sheriff and so are his fellow policemen. Various situations are created for local townspeople to be alone on the road that the werewolf is known to haunt. The werewolf tears them all to pieces, feasting on the soft flesh and chewy insides. It's ok though because the town is filled with terrible people, other than his girlfriend Kelly, that all hate the sheriff. Brach is joined by some sort of scientist that doesn't really offer much to the story or really much of a purpose. Will Brach Zaff be able to stop the werewolf and save the town that hates him for some reason? And will he be able to get back to Sacred Heart to fall in love with Elliot Reed?

I wonder what Turk and Carla are up to

As you can clearly see, there wasn't much to The Beast of Bray Road and I hated every second of it. It's very low budget, but that's no excuse for a terrible story and horrific acting. What barely passes as a story is unoriginal and uninspired with a stupid twist ending. A werewolf attacks a town and the sheriff has to stop it. Yawn. Give me something to work with. Instead of making the audience feel sympathetic to the people being eaten, we're shown that they're drunk rednecks that like to fight and generally be terrible. Brach Zaff's terrible police work doesn't make matters any better. He finds an abandoned car on the road and sees blood on the door. Instead of calling in backup or checking the surrounded area for a hurt person, he takes a swab of the blood for a DNA test. When he informs his other policemen of what he did, they laugh at him. Not because he's a dumb ass that would flunk out of Hamburger University, but because he's doing too much police work. They laugh off the blood and think nothing of it. Remind me never to go to Bray Road. The police aren't going to help.

The beast itself looks like a man in a black Chewbacca costume and a bob Marley wig. The mask does look decent, but that might be because they only show quick shots of it. The movie does have some very violent moments and loads of blood and guts. You end of cheering for the werewolf because he's ridding the world of sweaty mouth breathers that think TNA Impact Wrestling is a real sport. This werewolf deserves a metal, not a silver bullet. And the movie has the balls to thank the people of Wisconsin. The best way they could have thanked them was to destroy every copy of this movie. All that being said, at least there was a werewolf in the movie, unlike “Wolves of Wall Street,” so I suppose it could have been worse.

And I hope you like jammin' too

Other than a few scenes of violence and blood, there are no redeeming qualities to The Beast of Bray Road. The acting is painfully bad and the story is boring and lame. Once again, The Asylum manages to make a terrible movie, take a shit on it, pour some garbage juice all over it and serve it to the masses in hopes of making a small profit. It's my fault for not turning it off as soon as I saw their name attached. Lucky for you, now you know not to make the same mistake.

1.5/10

Day 61: Zombie Apocalypse

Zombie Apocalypse

They put more effort into the poster than the script

Sometimes a little bit of research before watching a movie will really help you from making a bad decision. I read the description for Zombie Apocalypse (or 2012: Zombie Apocalypse because for some reason, we need the year thrown in the title) and thought it might be a decent watch. Zombies and Ving Rhames? We've seen this before (Dawn and Day of the Dead) with pretty good results. And the title shares a name with a really good hardcore band I like. If only I had taken the time to see who had made the movie, I would have saved myself some serious mental anguish.

Zombie Apocalypse (I refuse to put the pointless 2012 in the title) has a beginning very reminiscent of the awesome 80's movie Red Dawn in the fact that the entire world goes to hell within the first minute of the movie. The VM2 virus turns people into zombies and spreads across Europe and eventually makes it's way to the United States. In order to contain the infected, the government cuts off major transportation arteries like roads and bridges. Then they detonate Electro-magnetic pulses to cut off electronic devices among the population. I guess the government must have magical non-electronic devices that the EMPs won't take out. The population has been devastated and only small bands of people roam the country looking for a safe haven. Anyway, Ramona (Taryn Manning, 8 Mile, Cold Mountain), Billie (Eddie Steeples, Darnell from My Name Is Earl) and Kevin are wandering through a town when they are attacked by zombies. A group of people, including Henry (Ving Rhames, Dawn of the Dead, Pulp Fiction) come to their rescue, but not before the zombies bite Kevin. The group is headed towards Los Angeles because there is a rumor that there is a ship that comes to pick up survivors and bring them to the safe island of Catalina. Will they be able to make it to Catalina or will they become dinner for a hungry group of zombies?

Mr. Rhames! Can I have a hug? OWWWW!

If I had done my research, I would have found out that this movie was made by The Asylum, creators of such masterpieces as “2010: Moby Dick,” “Titanic II,” “Freakshow,” (read my review for that garbage) and countless titles that try to confuse their movies with popular titles (Snakes on a Train, The Amityville Haunting). I knew I was screwed when the first screen of the movie said “SyFy Films”.

Zombie Apocalypse is just about every zombie movie you've ever seen with more aimless wandering. If I say “zombie movie” you already have a pretty good idea of what is going to happen. While most zombie movies try to include social commentary, Zombie Apocalypse smacks you in the face within the first seconds of the movie with some far-out “the government is abandoning you” propaganda that may or may not have been intentional. Beyond that, the movie has nothing to say. Nothing about inequality or the environment. There aren't even evil humans in the movie, practically a staple on zombie lore. There are plenty of zombie-fighting scenes, but upon closer look, I found out that the movie uses the same zombie actors over and over. They couldn't even bring a change of clothes to make them look different? I guess it doesn't matter because the computerized effects are SyFy-level awful.

Most of the characters are pretty unremarkable and I'm actually struggling to remember any of their names. Besides Ving Rhames, most of the acting is mediocre. Taryn Manning is the Red Oak of wooden acting with a voice made of gravel to boot. The movie really suffers from not having a main character. We start with Ramona and her friends, but she gets pushed aside very quickly. The audience doesn't connect with any of the characters and never cares if they live or die. What's the point of having a large group of people in a zombie movie if you're not going to kill most of them off? While all of this would have made Zombie Apocalypse a mediocre movie, but in the last 10 minutes, it falls of a cliff and crashes into the side of a mountain all because of two words: Zombie tigers. No, wait, three words: Fucking zombie tigers. Tigers are never eluded to or mentioned throughout the entire movie. They just show up at the end of the movie because why not.

Pictured: Fucking zombie tiger

Zombie Apocalypse is a thoroughly unoriginal zombie movie with little story and mostly poor acting. The special effects are the same computerized drek you'd see in typical SyFy movies. Save yourself the trouble and avoid the movie Zombie Apocalypse. Instead, listen to the band Zombie Apocalypse and play some Left 4 Dead. You'll be much happier.

3/10