Day 173: Hack!

Hack!

Shit!

Horror goes all the way back to the silent era of movies. Since then, the genre has branches out to hundreds of different subgenres. In this past generation, a new horror genre has popped up: The Self-Aware Horror movie. I don't know exactly where it started, but Scream brought it the masses. It's a horror movie that acknowledges other horror movies, their “rules”, and their cliches. A lot of these movies go for humor and not-so-subtle references to other (and usually better) horror movies. Some of these even go as far as to acknowledge that they're just bad horror wankfests. The question is, if a movie acknowledges that it's bad, does that make it good?

Hack! Is a 2007 horror comedy starring Danica McKeller (Winnie from The Wonder Years) as the nerdy and innocent Emily. A group of college students, handsome Johnny (Jay Kenneth Johnson, Scrubs, Days Of Our Lives), homosexual Ricky (Justin Chon, Twilight, New Moon) quarterback/douchebag Tim (Travis Schuldt, Scrubs, It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia), lesbian Maddy, pothead Q, and the beautiful Sylvia, are chosen to go on a field trip to a small island. They are hosted by film buff couple Vincent King (Sean Kanan, The Young & The Restless, Jack Rio) and Mary Shelley (Juliet Landau, Drusilla from Buffy The Vampire Slayer). Mary carries around a old timey movie recorder and films the students around the island. Unbeknownst to them, their teacher and boat captain have been brutally murdered. One by one, the group is picked off my what appear to be killers from different horror movies. It is revealed that the killer is in fact bother Mary and Vincent who are filming the murders for a reality snuff film that they plan to show at the Cannes Film Festival. The students receive aid from Willy (William Forsythe, Raising Arizona, Boardwalk Empire). Will Johnny be able to stop the killer and how is Emily connected to all of this?

She can be nerdy with me any day

Essentially, Hack! Is just an hour and a half of horror nerds geeking out and trying to cram as many references in as possible. I gave up counting right around the time they said the name “Mary Shelley” as one of the characters. We get it, you like horror movies. I also like hockey, that doesn't mean I want to watch an entire game based off of other hockey games from the past 100 years. Referencing and making nods to other movies is fine as long as it's done with some style, class, and creativity. Hack just clubs you over the head with them while imploring you to laugh. Beyond “Mary Shelley” and “Vincent King,” there are characters named Mr. Argento, Sheriff Stoker, and J.T. Bates. Jesus, we get it! There are a few humorous moments, but nothing that will really make you laugh out laugh. Of course there's also horrific jokes like “Free us, Willy!” that make me want to smash my laptop to keep it from ever making another terrible joke again. My biggest problem with the movie is when it acknowledges that it's full of cliches and isn't even a good movie. Why do that? That's like saying to the audience. “Oh, you're watching this movie? Well, fuck you. Fuck you in your stupid face while we jerk off at all the references we're making.

What the movie lacks in humor or creativity is it's strong cast. Just about everyone involved is a seasoned actor on either television or cinema. Juliet Landau is probably the best in the bunch as she is completely delightful and fun. She takes the role and makes it dementedly sweet. I only know her from her role on Buffy, so it was a little weird to hear her speak without an accent. Danica McKeller is also enjoyable and makes me wish she was in more movies. William Forsythe, though barely in the movie, is great as well, though inexplicably Scottish. Maybe he just wanted to do a different accent. Kane Hodder (Hatchet, a bunch of Friday the 13^th movies) makes a brief appearance in the beginning, because they just had to squeeze him in too. The movie has a decent amount of action and some blood, but nothing overly thrilling.

I'm ready for my closeup

By putting more effort into purposely having cliches and referencing better movies, Hack forgot to be a good movie. It's hard enough to get through unoriginal movies, it's even worse when the movie you're watching acknowledges that it's ripping things off left and right. Even the concept is a take off of the movie Peeping Tom. They had the cast who put in good performances, despite a weak story and some horrendous comedy material. The action is fine with OK blood and gore, but even those were referencing other horror movies. We have a movie that is self-aware, breaking the 4^th wall, and giving not-so-subtle winks and nods to the audience. If a movie acknowledges that it is a big nerdfest, does that someone make it an enjoyable movie? No. No it doesn't.

4/10

Day 162: Hatchet

Hatchet

Can I axe you a question?

Slasher movies are the go-to genre for fast and easy horror. The stories aren't complicated, they easy and cheap to make, and they give you an excuse to watch horrible acts of violence. They're loaded with blood and creative ways of killing people. Slashers bring out the sickest in all of us. They had their heydays in the 70's and 80's, breeding countless sequels, holiday-based horror movies, and mediocre ripoffs. The slasher has become watered down with the increase in the popularity of horror movies so now is better than ever for the genre to make a comeback.

Hatchet is a 2006 slasher starring Joel Moore (Dodgeball, Bones) as Ben and Kane Hodder (Friday the 13^th, Hack!) as Victor Crowley. Ben is in New Orleans for Mardi Gras with his friends, but is bored with the partying. He is joined by his friend Marcus (Deon Richmond, Scream 3, Not Another Teen Movie) on his search for a ghost tour in the swamps of the city. The join a boat tour led by the over-the-top Shawn (Parry Shen, The New Guy, The Poseidon Adventure) joined by a Midwestern couple named Jim (Richard Riehle, Office Space, Joe Dirt) and shannon, two ditzy softcore porn actresses, their sleazy “director”, and a mysterious woman named Marybeth (Tamara Feldman, Gossip Girl, Rez Bomb). It becomes apparent that Shawn has no idea what he is doing and the boat gets stuck. Jim is badly bitten in the leg by an alligator. They make it to land and try to walk for help, but are badly lost. Marybeth reveals that she has a gun and joined the tour in order to find her father (Robert Englund) and her brother who went missing in the swamp two days ago. She talks about the legend of Victor Crowley, a deformed boy from the swamp. Local children set his house on fire and his father (also Kane Hodder) tried to rescue his son by chopping at the door with a hatchet, accidentally hitting Victor in the face with it, killing him. Legend has it that Victor or his spirit roams the swamp looking for vengeance. As the group wonders the swamp, they come across Victor's old house. That's when the killing begins as a full-grown Victor terrorizes the group in various brutal ways. The group is soon whittled down to just Ben, Marcus, and MaryBeth. Will they be able to stop this killing machine and make it back to the city?

Ahh! Rush Limbaugh naked!

The movie bills itself as “Old School American Horror.” Maybe the movie does in spirit, but the execution is a bit questionable. The story definitely fits within the realm of old slasher films: Get a bunch of people into an isolated area and have them killed of in various ways by a killer that possibly has super natural powers. I can't help but compare Hatchet to Friday the 13^th. Victor Crowley is very similar to Jason Vorhees. He's a big, deformed monster that was harassed as a child, killed in an accident, and seemingly cannot be killed. It also helps that Kane Hodder, who has played Jason in multiple movies, also plays Victor Crowley. We don't meet Victor until about 45 minutes into the movie, which was a bit of a disappointment.

Despite not being terribly original, the movie goes more for extreme violence than plot or story. There is plenty of blood and lots of gore in Hatchet. There are some good, creative deaths that keep things interesting when the story isn't. The movie is very dim and makes a few scenes difficult to see. There is also a bit of nudity, practically a requirement when it comes to slasher films. There is also a good amount of humor in the movie. When I say the movie has humor, I don't mean like fratboy dick and fart jokes or black humor, I mean legitimately funny writing and acting. Parry Shen is particularly funny, intentionally switching from a Cajun accent, to a stereotypical Asian accent, to an American one. The rest of the cast also put in a good performances that help carry the movie. There are also a number of small appearances by horror royalty such as Robert Englund and Tony Todd. They were nice touches and both roles were funny. 

Who wants cherry slushies?

Hatchet is a fun, over-the-top slasher that is aware of itself and doesn't care. There is enough violence and blood to keep horror fans smiling and a good amount of humor that was actually funny. The story is nothing special and didn't really get started until late in the movie. I would have liked more on-screen time with Victor Crowley to really build up who or what he is. The performances are good all around and director Adam Green gets some nice violent shots. While I can't say if Hatchet will be the start of a new slasher franchise, it's an entertaining, if simple, watch.

7/10