Day 253: Piranha 3D

Piranha 3D

Get ready for Sharktopus vs. Piranhazilla

Horror parodies and satires are nothing new. Horror, as a genre, is so over-the-top and ridiculous that jokes need to be made at it's expense. In recent years, thanks to the Scary Movie franchises, even the parodies have become parodies. While they may be good for a chuckle or two, they're mostly just painful exercises in what not to do. Comedy movies can have horror in them and horror movies can have comedy. We've seen it work before, but it seems to be difficult to combine the two into a cohesive, entertaining story. Of course, it doesn't hurt when you throw in lots of nudity and gore.

Piranha 3D is a 2010 horror movie starring Steven R. McQueen (Minutemen, The Vampire Diaries) as Jake Forester. It's spring break at Lake Victoria and the area is full of drunk party goers. A small earthquake splits the lake floor, causing ancient piranhas to be released from a hidden underwater lake. Jake meets Derrick Jones, the creator and owner of Wild, Wild Girls, an amateur adult movie business. Derrick hires Jake to take him to the best spots are the lake. James' mother, Sheriff Julie Forester (Elisabeth Shue, Hollow Man, Adventures In Babysitting) discovers a mutilated body from the lake, but don't close the lake due to fears of the town losing business. She asks Derrick to babysit his younger brother and sister, but ditches them to go out on a boat with Derrick. They are joined by two actresses, Danni and Crystal, as well as Jake's crush, Kelly (Jessica Szohr, Tower Heist, Love Bite). Meanwhile, Julie takes a team of seismologist divers, including Novak (Adam Scott, Veronica Mars, Leap Year) to explore the cavern exposed by the earthquake. The divers are devoured by the piranhas, who begin to invade the entire lake. They take a captured piranha to marine biologist Carl Goodman (Christopher Lloyd, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, Back To The Future) to figure out what it exactly is. Carl discovers that the piranhas are a prehistoric, long-thought extinct piranha that has survived by adopting cannibalism. Eventually, Jake sees his brother and sister stuck on a nearby island and uses the boat to pick them up. They hit some rocks and begin to sink, taking on piranhas in the process. At the same time, more piranhas invade the lake, eating hundreds of drunken college kids. Will Julie be able to save the partiers and will Jake be able to save the people on his boat?

Joker fish

I expected the worst from Piranha 3D, as the commercials and previews made it seem like a big screen attempt at a terribly SyFy channel movie. I was pleasantly surprised to find that the movie actually had a lot more more depth and action than the usual animal attack movies. The two biggest differences between Piranha and typical SyFy movie is the amount of nudity and gore. I'm not sure if I watched an unrated version, but there was more nudity in Piranha that most late-night Cinemax movies. Not that I'm complaining, but there is a copious amount of topless women and a full-nude swimming scene. On top of all that nudity is some of the best gore in a horror movie I've seen in years. There is no shortage of blood, bones, and guts throughout most of the movie. We get the “best” of both worlds with a scene featuring a piranha taking a bite out of computerized penis. Yes, really. Writer/director Alexandre Aja (Mirrors, The Hills Have Eyes) gives the audience what it wants in both regards, giving us just enough of a story to get us into the movie, but never overplaying his hand. There really isn't much to the movie other than nudity and violence, so Citizen Kane, this is not.

The movie has a surprisingly deep cast, including Elisabeth Shue, Ving Rhames, Jerry O'Connell, Christopher Lloyd, and small cameos by Eli Roth and Richard Dreyfuss. Shue is good in her authoritative role and Rhames plays his usual tough guy. Jerry O'Connell is very entertaining and natural as a sleazy porn maker. I swear that's a compliment. The money used to get such a cast probably put a dent in the special effects budget because, to be honest, the piranhas look cartoonish. I guess you're asking a lot from a movie where the main selling points is “breasts in 3D”, but it still would have been nice if the fish looked more realistic. Speaking of 3D, the version I watched was in regular 2D, so it was a little funny watching scenes clearly made for 3D, but seeing no effect. The makeup and prosthetics look good for all the injured swimmers which certainly helps keep the movie from becoming completely ridiculous.

"I've had it up to hear with these piranhas!"

Piranha 3D won't change the way we look at movies and it won't make you afraid to get in the water, but it will entertain you. It's simple, to-the-point, and loaded with violence and nudity. The story is nothing special, but it gets us from A to B. Obviously, this movie is for the younger audience and should probably not be watched during Family Movie Night. The acting is good for what is required, especially given the silly premise. There is a ton of violence and heaps of gore, enough to make any horror fan happy. The special effects are a little silly looking and border on cheap SyFy channel material. It's goofy and ridiculous, but it is self-aware, so it's OK. If you need something to watch with friends or need a light-hearted gore-a-thon, Piranha is a good choice.

7.5/10

Day 212: Masters of Horror: Jenifer

Masters of Horror: Jenifer

But she has so much inner beauty

I am still a novice when it comes to Dario Argento movies. I have reviewed two of his works, (Inferno and Masters of Horror: Pelts) but they only scratch the surface of Argento's unique vision. It was difficult to get through Inferno, mostly due to a lack of a cohesive plot and the fact that it dragged for hours. It was visually stunning and the music was great, but I had no clue what was going on. I enjoyed Pelts because it was a focused horror story that confined Argento to a certain format fit for television. It still had plenty of blood and gore, but Argento couldn't go off on an LSD-style color trip for an extra hour. Perhaps his other Masters of Horror installment would be just as good.

Masters of Horror: Jenifer is a 2005 horror movie from the Showtime television series starring Steven Weber (Farm House, Wings) as police officer Frank Spivey. While parked in his squad car, Frank sees a man carrying a meat cleaver forcing a woman (Carrie Fleming) to the ground. The man raises the cleaved and Frank draws his gun and fire. The woman has a beautiful figure but a horribly disfigured face and giant black eyes. That night, Frank is consoled by his wife Ruby and during sex, he fantasizes about the girl he saved and becomes too rough with her. The next day, Frank speaks with a police officer who interrogated the girl and learns that her name is most likely Jenifer, due to a note found on her with that name written on it, and that she is mute and probably mentally handicapped. He meets her in the mental hospital and takes her home with him. Frank dreams of a non-disfigured Jenifer and awakens to find her standing in his room, terrifying his wife and teenage son. Frank takes Jenifer out to find a place for her to stay, but ends up having sex with her and bringing her back to his home. There, she eats his cat causing Frank's wife and son to leave him. Frank turns to alcohol and while he is blacked out, Jenifer kills and begins eating Amy, a little girl that lives near Frank. He tries to get a circus worker to kidnap her and put her in the freakshow, but he finds the worker half-eaten in his refrigerator. Unable to break free from his attraction to her, Frank takes Jenifer to live with him in a cabin in the woods. What will happen to Frank and Jenifer?

I'd hate to see her on a bad day

This is certainly a weird story, but it doesn't quite reach the “Argento in his prime” weirdness.The story is fairly straightforward, and I have the feeling that I've seen something similar, but I can't place my finger on it. The makeup used on Jenifer's face is quite creepy and not easy to look at. Jenifer doesn't talk, but instead makes an array of almost-human sounds. This adds to the overall horror of the character because it is something unnatural coming from a human body, similar to the spiderwalk scene from The Exorcist or the jerking movements of the little girl from Ringu. It takes a lot for me to be shocked or taken aback from a horror movie, but the scene where Jenifer is eating Amy really stuck out to me. So much so that I actually said “That's fucked up,” something that doesn't occur often when watching a movie. I think it was mostly due to Amy being so young and the movie showing her covered in blood and entrails.

It's hard to ignore the large amounts of sex and nudity in this episode. It definitely isn't for children, and, to be honest, some adults. It was an interesting mix of eroticism and repulsion, almost like a bizarre adult Beauty And The Beast in reverse. I do find it hard to believe that Frank could become so obsessed with her, but I think it was due to some sort of pheromone or hypnosis. It wasn't really clear and was too convenient for the story's purposes. The movie doesn't have the same flare that Argento's earlier works have and could have used something to separate it from other Masters of Horror episodes. The story is a bit predictable, especially towards the end and could have use some more explanation into who or what Jenifer is.

Omnomnomnomnomnom

Masters of Horror: Jenifer is a decent episode in the series with some good blood and gore. Steven Weber plays his part well enough and Carrie Fleming is fine as Jenifer. Her disfigured makeup is very good and the weird sounds she makes are very creepy. The movie is predictable and lacks that true Argento eye for film-making. There is a lot of nudity and sex in this film and is not appropriate for certain audiences. The movie does have some scary moments, but the horror tends to lag at certain points. Overall, it's a decent watch; not the best from Masters of Horror, but not the worst.

5.5/10

Day 178: Countess Dracula

Countess Dracula

The 70's were a crazy time

Hammer Films is a film production company based in the United Kingdom. They are best known for their “Hammer horror” series of movies from the 60's and 70's that focused on classic stories such as Frankenstein, The Mummy, and Count Dracula. They've had a recent resurgence in new movies with the acquisition of the library by Cyrte Investments. Many horror fans are well versed in Hammer's films, but they are almost completely unknown to me. What better way to dive in than with a classic, Countess Dracula?

Countess Dracula is a 1971 horror film starring Ingrid Pitt (Where Eagles Dare, The House That Dripped Blood) as Countess Elisabeth Nadasdy. After the death of her husband, Elisabeth attends his will reading with Captain Dobi (Nigel Green, Zulu, Jason And The Argonauts), the castle steward, Master Fabio (Maurice Denham, Oliver Twist, Hysteria), the historian, and a strapping young soldier named Lt. Imre Thoth (Sandor Eles, The Evil of Frankenstein, The Saint). Lt. Thoth receives the Count's horses, much to the chagrin of Captain Dobit and the countess, who are secretly lovers. After an accident with a servant girl, Elisabeth discovers that the blood of the servant restored her youth and beauty. She enlists Captain Dobi to acquire girls to murder in order for her to bathe in their blood. To explain her rejuvenated state, Elisabeth assumes the identity of her daughter, Ilona, who has been stuck on the other side of the river due to floods. Elisabeth seduces Lt. Thoth and they fall in love. Fabio is suspicious and finds a book that talks about blood sacrifice. He informs Elisabeth that only the blood of virgins will work. Fabio tries to tell Thoth the truth, but Dobi kills him and makes it look like suicide. What will happen to Lt. Thoth if he marries Elisabeth and what if the real Ilona finally arrives?

 It gets awfully drafty in these old castles

When you hear the title “Countess Dracula,” you immediately think of a female version of Dracula, neck-biting, turning into a bat, and lurking in the shadows with a cape. Sadly, we don't get that, but the title is actually quite accurate as this movie is essentially the story of Countess Erzsebet (Elisabeth) Bathory. It is believed that Countess Bathory killed hundreds of virgins and bathed in their blood to retain her youth and beauty. Since she is the basis for Dracula, the title is probably more apt than most horror movies. The movie brings to mind old versions of Robin Hood, with great looking costumes and sets. I don't know if they are particularly accurate, but they look good nonetheless. The story itself, though, is pretty much by-the-numbers. You have a pretty good idea of what is going to happen and to call this movie “horror” is a bit of a stretch. It's not scary so much as it is unnerving at points, like Elisabeth's addiction to virgin blood and the countess's maid Julie expressing not wanting to ever leave the castle.

What helps the movie most is Ingrid Pitt. She is absolutely beautiful, even more so when you see the transition between her old makeup and her actual face. She puts on a very good performance and I was shocked to find out that her voice had actually been dubbed. I have no idea why, but it didn't hinder her portrayal in the movie. Nigel Green is very good as Captain Dobi and Sandor Eles plays his part just as well. There are a few scenes of nudity, far more than there are scenes of violence. I can't really complain about that, so I won't!

Beard time!

I was expecting a vampire movie when I decided to watch Countess Dracula and was a bit disappointed when there was no blood sucking. Essentially a story about Countess Bathory, you pretty much know what is going to happen, so there is not a lot of mystery or excitement. What sets it apart is the very good acting all around and the fun costumes and sets. If you're like me and you're not well-versed in Hammer horror, Countess Dracula is a good starting point. It won't blow you away, but you'll still enjoy the movie for what it is.

6.5/10

Day 162: Hatchet

Hatchet

Can I axe you a question?

Slasher movies are the go-to genre for fast and easy horror. The stories aren't complicated, they easy and cheap to make, and they give you an excuse to watch horrible acts of violence. They're loaded with blood and creative ways of killing people. Slashers bring out the sickest in all of us. They had their heydays in the 70's and 80's, breeding countless sequels, holiday-based horror movies, and mediocre ripoffs. The slasher has become watered down with the increase in the popularity of horror movies so now is better than ever for the genre to make a comeback.

Hatchet is a 2006 slasher starring Joel Moore (Dodgeball, Bones) as Ben and Kane Hodder (Friday the 13^th, Hack!) as Victor Crowley. Ben is in New Orleans for Mardi Gras with his friends, but is bored with the partying. He is joined by his friend Marcus (Deon Richmond, Scream 3, Not Another Teen Movie) on his search for a ghost tour in the swamps of the city. The join a boat tour led by the over-the-top Shawn (Parry Shen, The New Guy, The Poseidon Adventure) joined by a Midwestern couple named Jim (Richard Riehle, Office Space, Joe Dirt) and shannon, two ditzy softcore porn actresses, their sleazy “director”, and a mysterious woman named Marybeth (Tamara Feldman, Gossip Girl, Rez Bomb). It becomes apparent that Shawn has no idea what he is doing and the boat gets stuck. Jim is badly bitten in the leg by an alligator. They make it to land and try to walk for help, but are badly lost. Marybeth reveals that she has a gun and joined the tour in order to find her father (Robert Englund) and her brother who went missing in the swamp two days ago. She talks about the legend of Victor Crowley, a deformed boy from the swamp. Local children set his house on fire and his father (also Kane Hodder) tried to rescue his son by chopping at the door with a hatchet, accidentally hitting Victor in the face with it, killing him. Legend has it that Victor or his spirit roams the swamp looking for vengeance. As the group wonders the swamp, they come across Victor's old house. That's when the killing begins as a full-grown Victor terrorizes the group in various brutal ways. The group is soon whittled down to just Ben, Marcus, and MaryBeth. Will they be able to stop this killing machine and make it back to the city?

Ahh! Rush Limbaugh naked!

The movie bills itself as “Old School American Horror.” Maybe the movie does in spirit, but the execution is a bit questionable. The story definitely fits within the realm of old slasher films: Get a bunch of people into an isolated area and have them killed of in various ways by a killer that possibly has super natural powers. I can't help but compare Hatchet to Friday the 13^th. Victor Crowley is very similar to Jason Vorhees. He's a big, deformed monster that was harassed as a child, killed in an accident, and seemingly cannot be killed. It also helps that Kane Hodder, who has played Jason in multiple movies, also plays Victor Crowley. We don't meet Victor until about 45 minutes into the movie, which was a bit of a disappointment.

Despite not being terribly original, the movie goes more for extreme violence than plot or story. There is plenty of blood and lots of gore in Hatchet. There are some good, creative deaths that keep things interesting when the story isn't. The movie is very dim and makes a few scenes difficult to see. There is also a bit of nudity, practically a requirement when it comes to slasher films. There is also a good amount of humor in the movie. When I say the movie has humor, I don't mean like fratboy dick and fart jokes or black humor, I mean legitimately funny writing and acting. Parry Shen is particularly funny, intentionally switching from a Cajun accent, to a stereotypical Asian accent, to an American one. The rest of the cast also put in a good performances that help carry the movie. There are also a number of small appearances by horror royalty such as Robert Englund and Tony Todd. They were nice touches and both roles were funny. 

Who wants cherry slushies?

Hatchet is a fun, over-the-top slasher that is aware of itself and doesn't care. There is enough violence and blood to keep horror fans smiling and a good amount of humor that was actually funny. The story is nothing special and didn't really get started until late in the movie. I would have liked more on-screen time with Victor Crowley to really build up who or what he is. The performances are good all around and director Adam Green gets some nice violent shots. While I can't say if Hatchet will be the start of a new slasher franchise, it's an entertaining, if simple, watch.

7/10