Hard Rock Zombies

Hard Rock Zombies

Rock and Roll will never die

Horror may be the only film genre where bad movies are just as beloved as the good ones. Oh sure, there’s a few terrible Sci-Fi movies out there that are loved (thanks to Mystery Science Theater 3000), but not on the same level as horror. Genres like romance, western, war, thriller and the like don’t have the same affinity for terrible movies. Why horror? I suppose if you like the genre, you already have a bit of a warped sense of humor as compared to the mainstream. Of course, it’s important to know the difference between “it’s so bad, it’s good” and “it’s so bad I want to pull my eyeballs out with an ice cream scoop”.

Hard Rock Zombies is a 1985 zombie movie E.J. Curse (Bones, Rules of Engagement) as Jessie, the lead singer of an up-and-coming hair metal band. The band travels to the small coastal town of Grand Guignol to play a concert for a record producer. Along the way, they pick up a beautiful hitchhiker named Elsa (Eyes of the Serpent, Molested) who invites them to stay at her family’s mansion. The family consists of Elsa, her elderly grandparents, her brother (it’s not clear), a groundskeeper, and two “little people”, one with an eye patch and one suffering some sort of unexplained deformity. Unbeknownst to the band, Elsa recently drowned two men while her family members watched with glee. While in town, the band’s antics, which includes skateboarding and miming (seriously), raises the ire of the locals. Enraged by these events, the town bans the band from playing. Meanwhile, Jessie starts to fall for a young girl of indeterminate age from town named Cassie (Jennifer Coe) who had originally warned him not to come to Grand Guignol. Instead of playing in town, the band performs at the mansion for the sadistic family. The band is electrocuted mid-set, but survives. Later that night, the family murders each member of the band, leaving only their manager alive who was in town trying to secure a venue for the band. When he returns, the grandfather reveals himself to actually be Hitler (yes, really) who is still bent on world destruction. Cassie resurrects the band, turning them into the living dead, who quickly gain revenge on the murderous Nazi family. Unfortunately, the family is also turned into zombies who begin to wreak havoc on the townspeople. How will the hard rock zombies be able to stop the zombie Nazis and what will happen when the record producer comes to see their show?

Y-M-C-BRAAAAAIIINNNNSSSSS!

Does that sound like a good movie to you? No. Of course not. Does it sound like a movie “so bad, it’s good”. Don’t say “yes” because it wasn’t. The entire film is a comedy of errors. From a technical standpoint, many scenes are too dark, the music is occasionally so loud that it drowns out dialogue, mics creep into shots, the inexplicable scenes of the band cavorting around town like extras from a Dexys Midnight Runners video and the even more inexplicable scenes of Elsa dancing. The exclamation point comes when writer/director Krishna Shah’s (American Drive-In, Shalimar) name is spelled incorrectly in the credits.

Yep. That’s a mic at the top of the frame.

Of course, the technical errors can’t even compare to this viral outbreak of story. I wasn’t trying to be lazy or vague in my rundown of the movie above. I genuinely couldn’t remember characters names or even the name of the band. It doesn’t really matter. It’s not like it had much of an impact on the story.

Not pictured: Story

Speaking of story, I have eight words: who, where, when, why, and what the fuck? With bad horror movies, you can usually see a kernel of a good idea hidden beneath the layers of garbage. I couldn’t find that kernel in Hard Rock Zombies. It’s as if someone had an idea board and threw three darts that happened to land on “zombies” “music” and “Hitler”. And to make things worse, all three of those things are executed poorly.
When the band becomes zombies, the do this herky-jerky walk-dance that looks like a cross between The Robot and rigor mortis setting in. And they can still do normal everyday things like drive and play their instruments. Sure. Why not? In terms of music, “hard rock” is a huge misnomer. The band’s songs are the musical equivalent of marshmallows. Yeah, it’s catchy, but so is the flu. And Hitler? This came from out of nowhere and managed to make a story about musician zombies even stupider. And why did he reveal himself? And what’s the deal with the deformed little person? And is Eva Braun a werewolf or does she just wear a werewolf mask? Nothing is particularly clear and just when you think things get weirder, things get weirder. All of this makes me want to curl up in a ball under the kitchen table, eating nothing but sugar packets until my arteries caramelize.

Sadly, the Hair Metal Helmet never took off.

One would think that the basis of the movie would be the band gaining revenge on the family. That makes sense, right? Well, making sense took a vacation with this movie. The family is killed in less than ten minutes of the bands’ demise. Why not have that be the rest of the film? Maybe you think I’m being too hard on this movie, but you didn’t have to sit through it. I’m definitely stupider for having done so. If it was supposed to be a straight horror film, it failed. If it was supposed to be a comedy film, it failed.

People that like this movie dress up their kids as Ash from Army of Darkness. People that like this movie then tweet those pictures to Bruce Campbell for his approval. People that like this movie see nothing wrong with the insanity of the “ghost rape” storyline in American Horror Story. People that like this movie invite dates over to watch Human Centipede. People that like this movie get hot dogs at the movie theater. People that like this movie use the bathroom stall next to you even though there’s a bunch open. People that like this movie own a “Keep Calm” shirt. People that like this movie take a full shopping cart to the self-checkout line. People that like this movie use Uber just because it’s raining. People that like this movie really want you to read Ron Paul’s books. People that like this movie get lunch from Dunkin Donuts every day.

(If any of that offended you, please leave lots of rage comments and post a link to this review everywhere. I get more views that way.)

 

“Ssssssssmmmoooookin!”

The story is bad, the acting is bad, the humor is bad, and the music is bad. What I’m really trying to say is that Hard Rock Zombies is bad and now I feel bad for having watched it. It’s not bad in a good way. It’s just plain bad.

Hard Rock Zombies is available in it’s entirety on Youtube (but you shouldn’t watch it).

1/10

Day 266: Meridian

Meridian

Nothing says "romance" like Bark At The Moon-era Ozzy Osbourne

Fairy tales are way scarier than we realize. We generally think of the cute, cuddly Disney versions when talking about stories like Snow White, Cinderella, and Peter Pan. If you go back and read original stories, such as the Grimm Fairytales, you'll find out that these stories were extremely violent and perverse. Beloved characters have terrible fates filled with enough torture and pain to make even the most ardent horror fan blush. Maybe it's our preconceived notion of fairy tales, but these stories would make a great horror movie, right? Right?!

Meridian (also known as Meridian: Kiss Of The Beast) is a 1990 horror/romance movie produced and directed by Charles Band (Puppet Master, Evil Bong). The film stars Sherilynn Fenn (Twin Peaks, Fatal Instinct) as Catherine Bomarzini. After her father's death, Catherine inherits her family's castle in Italy. Excited by her new home, Catherine invites her friend Gina (Charlie Spradling) to join her at the castle. Gina is tasked with restoring a 15^th century painting recently donated to a church, but puts it off in favor of going to the castle. The women come across a traveling sideshow outside the castle gates where Catherine begins to feel a strong connection with a masked performer. Gina invites the head magician Lawrence (Malcolm Jamieson, Victor Victoria, Howards' Way) and the rest of the troupe back to the castle for dinner. Both women are drugged with Gina being raped by Lawrence. Catherine is raped by the masked man, who turns out to be Lawrence's twin brother Oliver. He tries to be romantic, but really, it's rape. During the act, Oliver turns into a monstrous beast. The next day, Catherine begins to see a ghost of a murdered girl in the castle. Her servant, Martha, explains that the girl she thinks she is seeing may be Catherine's aunt who had been killed due to a curse put on the family in the 15^th century. The curse involves the members of the troupe the women encountered the day before. Catherine begins to dream of the beast and starts to fall in love with him, believing that he is a tragic figure. At the same time, Gina discovers the painting she is restoring is Catherine's castle, and two figures in the painting resemble her and Oliver. Will Catherine be able to free herself and Oliver from their curse?

When a man-beast loves a woman, can't keep his paws on anything else

The movie is inspired by the Beauty And The Beast fairytale though I don't recall the Disney version having so much nudity and molestation. I have to assume they were trying to build off of the 1987 “Beauty And The Beast” television series starring Linda Hamilton and Ron Perlman. The movie tries to be romantic or erotic, but none of that really makes sense because the main character is drugged and raped by some sort of man-beast. One does not build an everlasting loving relationship by forcing oneself upon another. One also does not create an entertaining movie by having this scene last over 10 minutes long! It's bad enough that you want to have this ridiculous supernatural beast-rape scene in your movie, but why do you have to make the audience suffer through what can only be described as the extended director's cut version? There is nothing sexy or erotic about it and anyone that thinks so should seek professional help. The story itself is insultingly ridiculous filled with implausible actions and inexplicable scenes. If my summary of the movie confused you, well, it confused me too. Why would someone invite a random group of circus performers to their castle for dinner? Why would you not go to the police? What does this have to do with a ghost that shows up half-way through the movie? Why the hell does Catherine fall in love with the beast that raped her? WHY? WHY? WHY?

The acting throughout Meridian ranges from balsam to redwood in terms of woodeness. I can't really blame the actors that much because when you have such a terrible story, there's only so much you can do. Phil Fondacaro (Land Of The Dead, Bordello Of Blood), a Full Moon Productions staple, does have a small role and he's enjoyable in just about anything. The makeup on the beast makes it look like if the Wolfman and Jocelyn Wildenstein (google her) had a baby. The movie is thankfully short because I was begging for this movie to end quickly. If there is one redeeming value to the movie, it's the music. The heavily synthesized music is delightfully cheesy and reminiscent of 80's horror movies. Beyond that, Meridian has almost nothing going for it.

Ssssssssssssssmokin!

Meridian is the visual equivalent of a “face palm”. It is certainly not scary and by no means romantic unless you also consider “The Last House Of The Left” a romantic movie. The story is absurd with character motivation summed up as “just because”. The plot devices don't work and the extended rape scenes, while not graphic, are still incredibly disturbing. It's ridiculous that the romance between Catherine and Oliver/The Beast is based on her being drugged and taken advantage of. This is either extremely lazy writing or extremely disturbed writing. I supposed I shouldn't be surprised considering Charles Band has been behind such “classics” as Decadent Evil, Cryptz, and Terrorvision. Any goodwill he had built from Puppet Master and Re-Animator has been gone for a long time. While the basic idea of making Beauty And The Beast into a horror movie is interesting and bold, Meridian fails in just about every aspect.

2/10

Day 259: The Zombie Diaries

The Zombie Diaries

Dear diary, why does this movie suck?

The United Kingdom has had a good run recently with zombie movies. 28 Days Later and Shaun Of The Dead were both huge successes in the zombie genre despite being two completely different movies. They told different stories, but still respected the genre and created fun and entertaining zombie movies. As I've said before, it's much easier making a bad zombie movie than a good one. Just about every horror fan thinks they have a good idea for a zombie movie. While an idea may sound good on paper, the movie's fate lies in good execution. Today, I turn back to the UK for another zombie movie in hopes of lightning striking a third time.

The Zombie Diaries is a 2006 independent horror movie later released through Dimension Extreme films. The movie is shot in the "found footage" style and is not presented the typical (and expected) linear format, so I'll try to do my best in explaining things. The movie is also split up into chapters to make things even more unnecessarily confusing. Set in England, the movie begins with reports of a viral outbreak originating in Asia. Compared to bird flu, initially the Western world ignores the danger until reports of the virus reach London's doorstep. In the first chapter "Outbreak", a documentary film crew goes out to the countryside to interview a farmer dealing with the outbreak. When they reach the farm, they find no one is home and leave. Their car breaks down (of course) and they walk back to the farm and break in. They believe they are alone, but hear loud noises upstairs. They investigate only to find an eviscerated body and a zombie lumbering towards them. They run out into the words and try to plan their next move. The second chapter "The Scavengers" takes place one month after the first chapter and shows a separate group of people raiding a market for food and supplies. We now see the zombies have grow in number, despite being incredibly slow. In the third and final chapter entitled "The Survivors" we meet yet another group who have set up camp in a farm. They spend most of their time fighting zombies and bickering amongst themselves. One in the group, Goke, is particularly difficult to deal with. How are all these stories connected and how does Goke fit in with the first chapter?

Not-fast-enough food

There are good zombie movies, bad zombie movies, and zombie movies so horrendous that they make you want to completely give up on the genre. Look at that first picture at the top. That's the DVD cover to the movie. Looks pretty cool, right? Zombies emerging from a city in ruins and a badass protagonist ready to kick some undead ass. Yeah, the problem with that is there is no such scene in the movie. Not even close. The dupe people into thinking they're in for a fun zombie movie with lots of violence and action. Instead, we are forced to suffer through a pointless and insipid movie with the world's slowest zombies. I prefer slow zombies, but the ones in The Zombie Diaries move at the sound of smell. You could literally moonwalk past them and yet they are somehow able to sneak up and bite people. You would have to have your eyes closed, your nose plugged, and your fingers jammed into your ears while you loudly sing "Come Sail Away" in order to miss them.

As I've said in previous reviews, I'm not really a fan of "found footage", but done right, the style can create real scares. I felt it worked best in Cloverfield, but even Paranormal Activity had it's good moments. Above all else, both movies had a good reason for having a character hold a camera. It also boggles my mind that since this is supposed to be found footage, why the hell is their music during the movie? I mean, the music is really just electronic ambiance and swells, but in the characters' world, where did that sound come from? Did someone find the camera and then add music to it? Other than the original film crew, I have no idea why these other groups have cameras. It's never clear if it's the same camera being used and with all the time lapses and different groups, I have no way of taking a guess. Speaking of jumping around, when the movie switched from the first group to the second, I had no idea who these people were. Actually, I still don't know since their names are only mentioned once or twice and they're not particularly important.

Thrilling

 I know the filmmakers were trying to go for a big surprise ending, but the style just makes everything so confusing that I didn't even care. Normally, movies go from A to B to C. The Zombie Diaries went from A to Hot Dog to Elephant to B to C back to B to Beach Ball to A. They attempted at making social commentary, about man being the real danger, but it's presented in such a random way that it fell completely flat. Now that I think about it, there are barely any good zombie scenes in the movie.There is one or two scenes of gore and violence, but not nearly enough to even give the slightest hint at entertainment. The acting is "passable" with the best parts coming at the beginning when interviews are being conducted on the street asking about the outbreak. They're so good I think that they actually interviewed real people instead of hiring actors.

Horror fans have a certain expectation when it comes to zombie movies and The Zombie Diaries fails in every aspect. The story makes little to no sense and is a confused jumble of random characters that we feel nothing for. The zombies are incredibly slow and yet somehow manage to sneak up on some characters. There is no real reason why the characters continue to film and the addition of musical ambiance makes the style of shooting even more questionable. To my utter disbelief, they actually made a sequel to this movie. The only good thing this movie did was run for less than an hour and a half. At least they didn't bother to drag it out. Whatever you do, avoid The Zombie Diaries at all cost. DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE!

0/10

Day 220: The Return

The Return

Cataracts are no laughing matter

I remember watching the very first episode of the Buffy The Vampire Slayer television series and absolutely loving it. It had the perfect mixture of horror, action, and genuinely funny comedy. What made the show work so well was the strong performance of Sarah Michelle Gellar. She was a believable action star that was capable of being serious and quirky. She made the jump to the big screen with such popular movies as Cruel Intentions and The Grudge. After that, the movie choices became questionable and she decided to focus on home life with her husband Freddie Prinze Jr. Despite her later movies not doing so well, I am at least aware that they exist, such as the Scooby-Doo movies and Southland Tales. It was to my surprise that I came across a horror starring Sarah Michelle Gellar that I never heard of before.

The Return is a 2006 horror thriller starring Sarah Michelle Gellar (The Grudge, Buffy The Vampire Slayer) as Joanna Mills. Joanna is a traveling representative for a trucking company and agrees to take a business trip to her native Texas. She has avoided the state for years after a troubled youth there., brought on by a car accident. There, she reconnects with an old friend and her father, but begins to suffer from bizarre visions. Strange occurrences such as hearing a man's voice, recurring music, and seeing the inside of a bar she's never been to before begin to effect her. Joanna begins to self-mutilate, or cut herself, to deal with the visions, but they only become more specific with a man she does not recognize harassing her. Joanna is able to find that the bar she is seeing is actually in a small town in Texas called La Salle. She goes to the town and meets a man named Terry Stahl (Peter O'Brien, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Casualty) who was suspected of murdering his wife years ago. They have a strong connection, but Joanna's visions become more intense and get in the way of their relationship. Her visions lead her to a mechanic in town and when she questions him, the mechanic becomes hostile and begins to follow her. How are the visions connected to Terry and his wife and what does the mechanic want with Joanna?

Where is Giles, Willow, and Xander when you need them?

There is a good reason why I have never heard of The Return. The movie tries so hard to be creative , and while I commend the creators for at least trying to do things differently, it just doesn't work. It's forced to be creative because the story is convoluted and confused. The story unfolds in such a disjointed way that it almost impossible to follow what is happening. It doesn't help that the pacing of The Return is akin to a death march through the desert. It's hard to keep interested in a movie where very little happens and any action that does occur is either confusing or shot so poorly that you can't focus. A steady camera would have done wonders for my eyes and my brain. A shaky camera was probably necessary to convey a real sense of fear since the story wasn't capable of achieving real emotion. While there are some elements of horror, the movie is closer to a thriller, albeit with very little thrills. It goes for psychological, but is never capable of tapping into the human imagination or psyche.

Sarah Michelle Gellar tries to make the best of a bad story, but comes off as confused as the audience. I suppose that's a good thing since we are supposed to be along the ride with her, but it feels like she's only read 1 page ahead in the script and has no idea what is going to happen. Peter O'Brien is far too broody for my liking. The relationship between Joanna and Terry is far too convenient for the story's purposes and is entirely unbelievable. Director Asif Kapadia (The Warrior, Far North) does not capture the horror necessary to make the movie thrilling. Many scenes look like they were shot in a sepia tone, which I suppose fits in with the Texas landscape, but is not visually pleasing. The movie has a little bit of action, but not enough to keep things interesting.

OK, so the movie does one thing right

The Return tries to be a horror thriller and manages to be neither. The story is too weak and the pacing is so slow I am surprised moss isn't growing on the screen. There is very little action to speak of and the suspense in the movie is countered by the disjointed storytelling and shaky camera work. It doesn't help that the acting isn't very good and the relationship between Joanna and Terry is not believable. Like I said, there is a good reason why most people haven't heard of The Return. Little advertising combined with a bad story has banished this movie to the rental shelves where it should stay forever.

2.5/10

Day 207: Creature

Creature

There's so much suck going on in this poster

Horror has a long history of incorporating local legends into plots. There are countless movies about the Yeti, Sasquatch, the Mothman, the Boogeyman, and all sorts of critters. Some legends transcend borders and countries while others are limited only to an area or town. When people already know a legend, the movie is forced to differentiate itself from other films of the same subject. Using a more obscure legend allows for a freer storytelling experience and can be a fun watch. Of course, when you completely make up a legend, you can do whatever you want. Sometimes that is not a good thing.

Creature is a 2011 horror movie starring Mehcad Brooks (In The Valley Of Elah, Glory Road) as ex Navy SEAL Niles and Serinda Swan (Breakout Kings, Recoil) as his girlfriend Emily. They go on a road trip to New Orleans with their friends Karen, her brother Oscar, Emily and her boyfriend Randy. On the backroads of Louisiana, the group stops at a local shop run by the strange Chopper (Sid Haig, House of 1000 Corpses, The Devil's Rejects). Inside, Oscar finds a flier for a local legend Lockjaw, a half-man, half-alligator. He tells the group the tale of Lockjaw who was a local man named Grimley Boutine. Grimley came from a family of inbreeding and with the family line coming to an end, he impregnated his sister. Before he could marry her, she was captured by a giant albino alligator called Anon. Enraged, Grimley tracked down Anon, and discovering his dead sister, killed the alligator. In a stupor, he began to eat Anon, as well as his sister, and mutated into a horrible alligator creature. The group finds Grimley's home. They set up camp for the night and indulge in drinking and debauchery which includes, and no I am not kidding, sex, attempted female-on-female sexual assault, voyeurism, and incest. As Karen is walking in the woods, she is knocked out and tied up by Chopper, who is revealed to be her and Oscar's father. Chopper is actually the leader of a local cult that worships Anon and Lockjaw and they intend to provide Lockjaw with brides to produce more family members. Will the group be able to survive?

You're weird, but hot, so it's cool

Wow. For the first 30 minutes of the movie, I thought Creature wasn't that bad for a straight to DVD movie. Not good, but not bad and it had the added advantage of having a legend I had not heard of. It turns out I was wrong on both counts. Creature was actually released in over 1500 theaters and made a record low $327,000 it's opening weekend. Due in part to targeted marketing to horror fans instead of trying to attract a wide audience, the movie swallows a whole bunch of crazy pills and does a 180 and dives headlong into the insane abyss. The movie includes scenes of consensual incest and attempted sexual assault, neither of which are portrayed in a negative light. It was truly stupefying to see that on screen. The movie also has a large amount of nudity for a relatively wide release, including seeing all three leading females topless. I'm not really complaining, but it wasn't necessary. All of these things just distract from the story being incredibly stupid and boring. A man eats an alligator and then suddenly becomes one? Really? They couldn't say it was toxic waste or a meteor or something? That's just lazy.

The creature itself looks still and cartoonish. They couldn't even get it's mouth to move when it lets out a yell. There is some action, but not as much as you'd expect from a monster movie, with a few shots of blood and gore. Sid Haig is very entertaining, but his character is too similar to Captain Spaulding from House of A 1000 Corpses/Devil's Rejects. The rest of the cast is passable, but the dialogue is so stiff that they can't work around it. The director came off as amatuerish with scenes being too dark and a final action scene shot in slow motion for no particular reason other than to torture the audience praying for the movie to end. 

"Hey, can't we talk this over?"

Monster movies are supposed to be simple, but fun. Creature starts out that way, with a basic story of sexy young people going to an isolated area to find a monster. It's been done a million times and that's perfectly fine. The movie then decides to go nuts, showcasing incest as a main theme of the movie. If they wanted to imply it, that would have been fine, but no, they had to show it. The movie lacks the proper amount of action and violence and the monster does not look good. The script is weak along with the directing. Do yourself a favor and skip this abomination. There's a good reason why it bombed so hard in theaters.

1.5/10

Day 197: From A Whisper To A Scream

From A Whisper To A Scream

From a whisper to a yawn

Anthologies are a fun concept for horror movies. They can take short stories that are unable to fit into a standard hour and a half format of regular movies and get them on the big screen. Sometimes the stories have a common theme running through them like in Tales From The Hood or Heavy Metal. Other times, they're just a few stories thrown together. What matters most is that the stories are entertaining, the acting is good, and that there are overtones of horror. Seems simple enough, right? Unfortunately, those three things are not easily attainable and can make for an unpleasant watch.

From A Whisper To A Scream (also known as The Offspring) is a 1987 horror anthology starring Vincent Price as Julian White. Julian's niece Karen is executed by the state of Tennessee for committing a murder. He is visited by Beth Chandler (Susan Tyrrell, Cry-Baby, Powder), a reporter that was present at Karen's execution. She questions Julian about his niece and he explains that though she may have committed a crime, she is not to blame. He blames her murderous actions on the town of Oldfield, Tennessee. He relates four separate tales from the town's past. The first tells the story of Stanley Burnside (Clu Gulager, The Return Of The Living Dead, The Initiation), a lonely middle-aged man caught in a mundane life caring for his sick sister. He has a crush on his co worker Grace and convinces her to go on a date. Incredibly bored, she tries to leave, but Stanley chokes her to death in a fit of rage. Unsatisfied, Stanley visits her body in the funeral home and commits the act of necrophilia on her body. 9 months later, Stanley gets a special visitor. What could it be? The second story involves a criminal named Jesse Hardwick (Terry Kiser, Weekend At Bernie's. Mask Maker) who is shot in a swamp fleeing from criminals he ripped off. Jesse is saved by and old man named Felder Evans (Harry Caesar, A Few Good Men, The Longest Yard). Jesse sees Felder practicing some sort of witchcraft late at night and investigates his belongings. He finds newspaper clippings mentiong Felder dating back to the early 1800's. Jesse surmises that his rituals have made him immortal and forces Felder to teach him the secrets. What will Felder do? The third story is about a freak show glass-eater that falls in love with a girl named Amarillis. They plan to run away, but the glass-eater is indebted to Snakewoman, who runs the freak show. How will they escape? The final story features three Union soldiers at the end of the civil war. They are captured and tortured by a group of children, orphaned by the war. Will they be able to escape? Julian finishes telling the stories of Oldfield to Beth, hoping to see if she is convinced that the town is evil. Will she believe Julian and does she have an ulterior motive for visiting him?

Vincent Price's "Bitch, please" face

When you have so many stories crammed into one feature-length movie, odds are that at least one of them has to be good. Sadly, this is not the case in From A Whisper To A Scream. The stories are all underdeveloped and lack the right amount of action to keep things interesting. They are full of half-decent ideas that go nowhere. The movie was clearly made on the cheap as the sets are woefully inadequate and dated. The direction is shoddy and many scenes are too dark to see what is happening. Vincent Price is as delightful as ever, but even he acknowledged that the movie was terrible. The sets are supposed to take place during different time periods, but some of the costumes and music don't fit. It is woefully apparent that the movie is made in the the 80's because Susan Tyrrell's character looks like she fell out of an A-Ha video.

The first story has off-pacing and the little side bit with Stanley's sister is just plain weird. I don't know if they were going with some sort of underlying incest, but whatever it was, it failed. It didn't help that they showed his elderly sister naked. The necrophilia scene made sense for the story, but it was still creepy and the end result was unintentionally ridiculous. The second story was fine, just a little boring. Terry Kiser was a bit too hammy and over-the-top for my liking. The third story is just flat-out terrible and is the weakest of all four. The plot isn't particularly clear and everything just feels forced. It doesn't help that the acting is painful to watch. The final story is essentially Children Of The Corn-lite. It is probably the best idea out of the four stories, but the execution is just no good. 

Taaaaake onnnnnnn meeeeeeee....

We know that horror anthologies can be enjoyable. Creepshow and Trick R' Treat are proof. The difference between those movies and From A Whisper To A Scream is that those stories are well-crafted, there is good action, and the horror is strong. The stories in this movie just cannot hold up on their own and are not enjoyable to sit through. There is nothing particularly scary and they lack action. The acting ranges from passable to terrible, making a bad situation worse. Despite having Vincent Price involved, do yourself a favor, and avoid From A Whisper To A Scream

2/10

Day 172: Masters of Horror: Dance Of The Dead

Masters of Horror: Dance Of The Dead

It's like the Electric Slide, but way worse

There are many reasons why we decide to watch a horror. Sometimes we like the story it's based off of, sometimes it's a certain director or actor involved, sometimes we like the genre. Whatever the reason, when our interest is peaked, we expect a certain level of quality in what we are about to watch. Those expectations may be too low and we are pleasantly surprised at discovering a new movie. There are other times, though, when your expectations are high and you end up crashing into a mountain of awfulness.

Masters of Horror: Dance Of The Dead is based off a story written by Richard Matheson (What Dreams May Come, I Am Legend) and adapted to the screen by his son Richard Christian Matheson. The movie stars Jessica Lowndes (90210, Kyle XY) as Peggy and Robert Englund (A Nightmare on Elm Street, Freddy vs. Jason) as The MC. In 2008, terrorists deployed a biological weapon called “Blizz,” instantly burning anyone caught in it's path. Ten years pass and the United States has fallen into disarray after World War III. Peggy works in her mother's diner and longs to explore the outside world. When she was younger, she saw people burned to death by Blizz while she, her sister, and mother reached safety. A group of bikers/drug addicts come into the diner one day and Peggy becomes infatuated with one named Jak (Jonathan Tucker, The Ruins, Pulse). Jak, along with his sketchy friend, Boxx, have shady dealings with people in the rundown town of Muskeet, including The MC who works at a club called The Doom Room. We even see them steal a person's blood right off the street. Seriously, we see them come up to an old woman on the street, put an IV in her arms, drain some blood, and run away. Jak returns and takes Peggy on a drug-fueled bender on their way to The Doom Room. Jak and Boxx meet backstage with the MC and give him the stolen blood. Afterwards, they all watch the performance on stage, a zombified woman due to Blizz being electrocuted in order to make her lurch and dance. The MC brings on the next “dancer” which turns out to be Peggy's lost sister, Anna. How did she come to be this way and why has Peggy's mother come to Muskeet?

Now working Bar Mitzvahs and funerals

Wow, this was painfully bad. While the story seems slightly interesting, I think something was really lost in translation from word to film. Richard Matheson is no slouch when it comes to writing good stories. I mean, he wrote the absolute classic Twilight Zone episode, “Nightmare At 20,000 Feet.” While this may have been at one point a good story, it isn't a good one now. The story is all over the place in a confusing and nonsensical mess. So some biological weapon named Blizz (Seriously? Blizz? That sounds like something Dairy Queen would sell) burns people who come in contact with it, but you're safe if you're inside? Seems like you'd do more damage with a bomb. Then they just skip ahead and society has totally crumbled, leading to people stealing blood in broad daylight. Really? REALLY?! I can't even figure out what the story is supposed to be? The horrors of nuclear war? The evils in society? Well, it's sure not about zombies, contrary to what they advertise.

There are two saving graces to Dance Of The Dead; Robert Englund and music by Billy Corgan. Robert Englund is his usual wonderful self, speaking with conviction and making every word matter. Corgan's music is somewhat pounding industrial, or more precisely, Hollywood's idea of insustrial. It is fun to listen to and sets a dark tone to the movie. One of the biggest problems for the movie are the characters and the actors portraying them. No one is likable in Dance Of The Dead. Peggy is far too naïve at the beginning, but easily slides into the world of drugs and debauchery as if she's slipping on an old pair of shoes. The love interest, Jak, is supposed to be some sort of sweet badboy that's still a drug using, blood-stealing scumfuck. I'm supposed to like this guy because I'm pretty sure I hate his guts. It doesn't help that the performances are mediocre at best.

Acting the fuck out of this scene

There are very few good things to say about Dance Of The Dead. The story is barely coherent with unlikable characters, weak acting, and predictable and downright stupid ending. There is very little in the way of action and entertainment. It's labeled as a zombie movie, but that just barely passes for truth. Robert Englund is as great as ever and the music by Billy Corgan is pretty good. Perhaps something was lost in the execution of this movie, but I really don't know why they made this into an episode of Masters of Horror. There are far better stories out there deserving of an episode. I was expecting a fun zombie movie starring Robert Englund. Instead, I got a boring story that goes nowhere with a small Robert Englund role. The movie has a lot of drug use and nudity, so it's definitely not for kids. Dance Of The Dead is not scary and it is not entertaining.

2/10

Day 170: The Surgeon

The Surgeon

Haw, haw!

Lots of people are afraid of hospitals and not without good reason. They're big, cold, sterile places filled with blood, guts, and dead bodies. There are all sorts of chemicals and machines keeping people from shuffling off this mortal coil. Then there's for-profit hospitals that make sure they bleed you dry before shoving you out the window when your insurance is all gone. It's natural that horror movies delve into hospitals and have a doctor as the monster.

The Surgeon (originally titled Exquisite Tenderness because they wanted to make sure no one watched this) is a 1995 horror movie starring Isabel Glasser (Forever Young, Law & Order) as Dr. Theresa McCann. Theresa is in conflict with Dr. Stein (Malcolm McDowell, Suck, Clockword Orange) who is using an experimental and highly dangerous treatment on patients. She fights to stop Stein, but is in luck when he is mysteriously murdered. It turns out that former surgeon Dr. Julian Mater (Sean Haberle), who was suspended for experimenting on dying patients with cellular regeneration, has returned to continue his experiments and gain revenge on those who wronged him. As a child, he saw a doctor murder his brother, so I guess he decided to go through years of law school and tons of student loans to kill a bunch of patients. Or something. Dr. Mater has been experimenting on himself and is able to heal himself at an incredible rate. Anyway, Theresa finds comfort in the arms of Dr. Ben Hendricks (James Remar, What Lies Beneath, The Girl Next Door) while Lt. McEllwaine (Peter Boyle, Everybody Loves Raymond, Young Frankenstein). Searches for Dr. Mater. Will they be able to stop him before the good doctor kills Theresa and perfects his insane experiments? 

Poor Young Frankenstein

When you have a movie about a killer surgeon, there's no need to make thins unnecessarily complicated. It's nice that they tried to make some sort of back story, but it's just far too muddled and pointless for a simple concept. Just show the surgeon killing people and a cop going after him. That's good enough. The Surgeon tries to inject romance, intrigue, and medical science, though I'm not sure how accurate the science is in this movie. All of that extra window dressing just drags the movie down, making it painfully boring to watch. The pacing for the movie is off and the far-fetched plot doesn't help move things along.

There is some action, but Sean Haberle is so hilariously over-the-top that I can't really be scared of him. He's at a Tommy Lee Jones in Batman Forever level of scene chewing. Isabel Glasser isn't much better. Malcolm McDowell was good, though barely in the movie. I read that he was paid a nice sum of money for a week's worth of work and didn't even see the movie. I can't blame him for that. Despite having a cast of seasoned actors, their performances aren't particularly good or memorable. Perhaps they just phoned it in for this silly movie or maybe they just couldn't overcome the bad dialogue. There is also some violence and blood in the movie, but not nearly as much as you'd expect from a movie called The Surgeon. It has some creative kills, but not nearly enough to keep the audience entertained.

I think he fell asleep in his own movie

The Surgeon is a nice flashback to the 1990's and brings to mind similar movies like The Dentist and Dr. Giggles, but just doesn't make for an entertaining watch. The plot is too silly, even for B-movie horror standards. The acting is surprisingly poor even though there are legitimate actors involved.. There is not enough violence and blood for a movie based on a killer surgeon. While it's fun to go back to a simpler time, The Surgeon isn't worth it.

3/10

Day 167: YellowBrickRoad

YellowBrickRoad

Oh, it has an ending...

I don't like The Blair Witch Project. I had very little interest in it when it came out. Why I applaud their ability to get a huge buzz and “go viral” before going viral meant having lots of people watch a Youtube video of something getting hit in the balls, it just didn't appeal. I didn't understand what the big deal was about people getting lost in the woods and “found footage”. Come on, they're not going to show a movie in theaters across the country if people actually died. When the movie came to cable, I finally watched it and all my feelings towards the movie were confirmed. It was boring, rudderless, and annoying. By the end, I was cheering for the witch to kill them before someone screamed about that goddamn map again. Perhaps if the movie had a bigger budget, a deeper story and, you know, actors, maybe I would have liked it. Today's review explores just that; Does a bigger budget, story, and proper acting make a “lost in the woods” movie better?

YellowBrickRoad is a 2010 horror movie starring Michael Laurino as Teddy Barnes and Anessa Ramsey (The Signal, Footloose) as his wife Melissa. In the 1940's, the entire population of Friar, New Hampshire left town and walked up a winding trail leading into the woods. They left everything behind and were never found, leaving one survivor who was left a rambling, incoherent madman. Teddy and Anessa decide to find the trail in hopes of discovering new evidence and shedding light on what happened to the town. They are joined by their friend and colleague Walter, mappers Erin and her brother Daryl Luger, Jill the intern, and Cy Banbridge, a local forester. Their information about the trail falsely leads them to a movie theater, where a worker named Liv agrees to bring them to the trail if they let her come along. Liv takes them to the trail, marked by a rock with “Yellow Brick Road” written on it. The trip starts off well enough as the group travels deep into the woods. Walter is videotaping each crew member to ensure they still have their mental faculties. As the trip progresses, they begin to hear big band music blaring from an unknown source. At first, the group enjoys it, but it begins to wear on them. The group begins to break down and things come to a head when Daryl brutally murders his sister Erin all because she took a hat that he found. Death follows the group along with the inexplicable music. Will they reach the end of the trail and what will be waiting for them?

This would be considered an "action" shot

It's easy to compare YellowBrickRoad with The Blair Witch Project, but YBR has an interesting back story, better acting, and some creative ideas. The audience is interested in seeing what happens because the initial story of the townspeople disappearing is legitimately interesting. The first half of the movie holds our attention because of this, but unfortunately it's not enough to keep us interested. The movie stretches on for far too long with very little happening. Sure there are a few scenes of violence, but any true horror fan won't bat an eye at the killings or gore. The acting is good considering nothing really happens for most of the movie. In The Blair Witch Project, I was cheering for the witch to kill the annoying characters. In YellowBrickRoad, I was cheering for something to happen.

My biggest issue with the movie (other than being incredibly boring) is the ending. YellowBrickRoad was clearly made on the cheap and emphasizes imagination over action. That only goes so far and isn't enough to sustain an entire movie, especially when the payoff is so bad. They tried so hard to be clever and edgy and failed miserably. It's like they watched one too many episodes of Twin Peaks and said “Hey, the audience has suffered through this, let's totally fuck them over with an ending that makes no sense and will mess with their minds!” While the usage of random music playing is interesting and the weak connections to Wizard of Oz keep us on our toes, there's no real payoff to any of it. It was all a misdirection to keep the audience from walking out of the theater or watching something else.

Yeah, that's pretty much how I feel

Despite having a bigger budget, a more complex story, and better acting, YellowBrickRoad is just another “lost in the woods” movie. The acting is good and the scenery is very nice to look at. The movie has a few good ideas and for the first half, I was legitimately interested in what was going to happen. The movie fell apart when it was apparent that nothing of note was going to occur and I was even going to get some violence to keep me entertained. It became a chore to watch and the ending was infuriatingly bad. It didn't come out of left field, it came out of another park. I feel bad for anyone that paid money to see this movie. YellowBrickRoad is simply not worth your time.

3/10

Day 158: Bloody Birthday

Bloody Birthday

If you want cake, raise a finger

Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday dear Jordan. Happy birthday to me. That's right, today, June 6^th is my birthday. I love you guys so much I don't even take my birthday off from writing a review. I could have picked a movie I loved (Dawn of the Dead) or a movie that is universally loved (Nosferatu), but instead I decided to go with a horror movie with “birthday” in the title. I can't help it, I have a weak spot for holiday-based horror movies. It seems like almost every holiday has a corresponding horror movie, though I don't think there's one for Martin Luther King Jr. Day or Arbor Day. In any event, I decided to celebrate my birthday with a birthday movie.

Blood Birthday is a 1981 horror movie about murders committed by three children. In 1970, three children, Curtis, Steven, and Debbie were born during a solar eclipse. Ten years later, all three begin to murder the adults in the small town of Meadowvale. They even go as far as killing their teacher and Debbie's dad, the town sheriff. They use bats, ropes, guns; anything that they can find to satiate their blood lust. Their classmate Timmy catches them in the act so they try to kill him by locking him in an old refrigerator at the junkyard. He escapes and tries to convince his older sister Lori that the three kids are murders. The three leave her a note posing as Timmy telling her he is in the junkyard. There, they try to run her over with a car, but she survives. Lori is an astrology enthusiast and tells Timmy that on the day of the eclipse, Saturn, which controls emotions, is blocked. That may explain why the three children are uncaring murderers. At their birthday party, one of the boys poisons one of the cakes in hopes of killing many of the partygoers. Lori stops him, but nobody believes that the children could kill anyone. Will Lori and Timmy be able to stop these pint-sized killers before it's too late?

Dennis the Menace gets real

When I came across a movie named Bloody Birthday, I expected something along the lines of April Fools Day or My Blood Valentine. You know, a slasher with a holiday theme. Not original, but fun in a nostalgic for the 80's sort of way. When I read the description about killer children, I thought maybe it would be like Village of the Damned or The Good Son. Instead, what I got was a movie about three little shitheads that easily get away with murdering a whole bunch of people with no entertainment value. There is barely a story in this movie beyond kids killing adults. The only explanation we get is they were born during an eclipse. That doesn't even count as an explanation. If that's the case, we have to assume that there's more killer children in the world because there's no way they were the only ones born at that time. It comes off as something that was thrown in at the last minute when they realize the story has no explanation. It's not like they had a long, thoughtful story planned out and just didn't have time to explain things. Seriously, these kids just kill people for about 80 minutes and not in a fun, slasher sort of way. I'm willing to suspend my disbelief, but this is just too far-fetched.

The movie does have action and a bit of excitement as long as you don't think about it for too long. For being such a violent movie, there is a shocking lack of blood and gore. The sheriff's head gets bashed with a baseball bat, but when he's shown on the ground, it doesn't even look like his hair is out of place. The acting is passable and I really wanted to bash these evil little kids. I guess that's a sign of good acting? I'm not really sure. Despite being made in the early 80's the quality of the film is pretty fuzzy and isn't helped by bad directing and editing. I'm pretty sure there was one part in the movie where the audio was so out of place that I think another movie's audio somehow made it in to this one. 

 Clearly, they're evil little assholes

For a movie named Bloody Birthday, there sure wasn't a lot of birthdaying going on. There is almost no plot and the story that does exist is not very good of convincing. The is a good amount of action and violence, but not anywhere near the amount of blood needed to make the movie fun. I should have done myself a favor and watched a movie I liked. Bloody Birthday is a bloody waste of time.

 

2/10

If you'd like to give me a birthday present, send a link to my blog to everyone you know!

Day 156: I Am Omega

I Am Omega

Omega Man

I knew it was going to be bad. It was just a matter of how bad it was going to be. I had watched a few minutes of I Am Omega when it premiered on the SyFy channel. The description mentioned something along the lines of a zombie wasteland and those words are like catnip to me. What I saw was certainly a wasteland; a wasteland of entertainment. Maybe I didn't give the movie enough time. Plenty of movies start out slow just to become great towards the end. Yeah, and maybe monkeys might fly out of Uwe Boll's ass.

I Am Omega is a 2007 horror movie starring Mark Dacascos (Iron Chef America, Double Dragon) as Renchard. Los Angeles has become a post-apocalyptic zone filled with zombie-like cannibals. It appears that the infection is widespread because Renchard cannot get a radio signal and has not seen another human being for a long time. His house has been retrofitted with fences, alarms, and flood lights which help warn him when cannibals attack. He keeps his sanity be reading, training in martial arts, and driving around the city planting charges. Renchard receives a distress call on his computer from a woman named Brianna, who is hiding somewhere in the city. She was heading to Antioch, a town supposedly free of infection, when her group was attacked and she had to take refuge. Two men, named Vincent and Mike, claiming to be from Antioch arrive at Renchard's home and ask for his help in finding Brianna. When Renchard refuses, they blow up his house and force him to help. It is revealed that Brianna is actually immune to whatever it is that turns people into cannibals and the men want to kill her because they like what the world has become. Will Renchard be able to save Brianna and survive the cannibals?

"God, I hate Bobby Flay."

Well, I watched the rest of I Am Omega and no, it did not get better. It shouldn't be a surprise because the movie was done by The Asylum, possibly the worst “studio” ever. You may remember The Asylum from my review of Zombie Apocalypse, another shittastic horror movie. I Am Omega is loosely (and I use the term loosely, if that can even be imagined) based on the novel I Am Legend by Richard Matheson. It was released about one month before Will Smith's I Am Legend hit theaters in hopes that stupid people would accidentally think this was a real movie. That's one of The Asylum's calling cards; make a direct-to-video knockoff of a popular movie, give it a similar name, and pray that idiots pay 3 dollars for it when they buy gas.

I'd say the story for I Am Omega was terrible, but that would mean there's an actual story. We have no idea what caused the outbreak or any specific details. We don't know if the infection is widespread and are given conflicting ideas; Renchard can't get a radio signal and is shocked when Brianna contacts him. If he thinks there's no one left, why bother blowing up the city? What good would that do? How did Renchard survive when everyone else died, despite him constantly leaving his weapons in his car or just out of reach. Shit just happens and we're supposed to role with it. On top of the barely-there story, we're “treated” to such exciting scenes as Mark Dacascos doing martial arts without his shirt on, Mark Dacascos driving around, and Mark Dacascos taking a piss. 

"Now where is that Hanson cd?" 

The movie was clearly rushed and probably cost about $50 to make. The “effects” are embarrassingly bad. Not counting the cannibals, who were probably just the same 2 over and over again, there are only 6 actors in the movie. The cannibals don't need to be shot in the head, so the movie ignores the basic zombie rules. I guess that's fine, since they're not officially zombies, but some distinction would have been nice. They don't look that bad, so at least the movie managed to not screw up that. There's plenty of action, but it's not entertaining and the direction is just awful. Mark Dacascos is fine for a script that must have been written on used toilet paper. His costars don't fair any better.

Movies like I Am Omega only exist in bargain bins and flea markets just to part horror fans with their hard-earned money. The Asylum just apes off the work of other movies and tries to rip people off. The story makes little to no sense and has very little entertainment value. The action isn't thrilling and there isn't much horror to speak of. The movie is rushed and cheap and you shouldn't dignify it with your time or money. All that being said, it's still probably one of the better movies from The Asylum. Of course, that's like saying that puddle of puke is better than that pile of shit.

1.5/10

Day 153: Faust: Love Of The Damned

Faust: Love Of The Damned

And that price is your dignity

Metal is my preferred choice of music. Sure I like some rock, some alternative, and even some ska, but metal is the winner. I got into heavy music in the late 90's and early 2000's, the heyday of nu-metal and Ozzfest. While I've moved on to other bands and subgenres, I still have a soft spot in my heart for that era. It always makes me smile when I see movies or products from that time and I feel the need to check it out. I decided to watch this movie based solely on it's soundtrack. I can only think of a small handful of movie where I can even remember that it had a soundtrack and all of them consist of metal bands. There's been stupider reasons for watching a horror movie. At least I hope there has been.

Faust: Love Of The damned is a 2001 horror/action film based on a comic book by Tim Vigil. An artist named John Jasper (Mark Frost) witnesses his girlfriend being murdered by gangsters and makes a deal with a mysterious man/demon named M. M grants Jasper powers as well as two gigantic Wolverine-style claws to slash his way through the gangsters. The deal comes with a terrible price as Jasper is forced to murder 19 people. He goes catatonic and is stopped by the police and committed under the observation of Dr. Jade DeCamp (Isabel Brook). Jade brings him out of his catatonia through music therapy and Jasper explains that M is the head of a satanic cult called The Hand. The chief of police, the doctors taking care of him, and other important people are all a part of the group. He goes after M, but is buried alive and sent to Hell. He escapes and can now transform into something resembling Batman crossed with the devil. He goes on a killing spree, taking out M's thugs. M kidnaps Jade, whom Jasper now has feelings for. M has plans to release a monster and open the gates of Hell. Will Jasper be able to stop M and save Jade?

Not enough, Mr. LSD-induced Batman

This movie is horrendous. Confused by my rundown of the movie? Well so am I. The story is a jumbled, confused mass of words thrown in a blender and puked up onto the screen. It takes the very very basic premise of Faust and turns it on it's head with lots of violence and blood. There are so many unanswered questions that this movie should become part of the SATs. Why in the blue hell does Jasper become a mixture of Batman, Wolverine and Satan? Look at that picture above. What the fucking fuck? What does this have to do with selling your soul or the struggle between good and evil? It's like someone decided to shoot smack into their eyeballs while watching Batman and Robin. Scenes jump around and nothing is believable. One example was before Jade and Jasper have sex, Jade some something like “I wanted you from the moment I met you” or something like that. Really? You mean after he brutally murdered a whole bunch of people and was sent to a padded room in a straightjacket? That got you all hot and bothered? They also delve into some BDSM with Jade for some reason, but for the life of me I can't figure out why. Because drugs, that's why. Everyone involved in this movie had to be taking Charlie Sheen-sized drugs for all of this to happen.

The acting in this movie is so bad, Paul Newman and Jimmy Stewart should come back from the dead just to kill everyone with dialogue. Mark Frost is so over the top that I can't tell if this is supposed to be a horror movie or a comedy. Isabel Brook manages to both under and over act and comes off like a confused deer that wanders onto a baseball field. For whatever reason, some of the actors are dubbed despite obviously speaking English. There is a decent amount of cartoonish violence and some pretty good gore. There is also some nudity and sex with a few scenes inappropriate for younger viewers. The makeup isn't half bad with some passable, if not completely insane, special effects. The soundtrack, which was the entire reason for me watching this movie, consisted of bands on Roadrunner Records including Machine Head, Fear Factory, and Sepultura. That was the only redeeming quality of the movie and all those songs were already available on other albums.

"I'm the best at what I do, and what I do is shitty acting"

Watching Faust: Love Of The Damned was the equivalent of someone cracking my head open with a mallet, pouring in battery acid, and stirring vigorously all while Lady Gaga plays in the background. The story is batshit insane with nothing really making any sense. The acting is horrific with more ham than split pea soup. While there was some passable action, it was not good enough to make this movie watchable. The music is good, but I could have easily entered each band into Youtube instead of wasting my time and hurting my soul. If you value your sanity, do not watch this movie.

1/10

Day 139: Tale Of The Mummy

Tale Of The Mummy

Mummy dearest

Despite doing over 100 horror movies reviews, I haven't watched a true mummy movie. Even though they fall under the classic monster movie category, I just never found mummies to be scary. Actually, that's not entirely true. I was terrified of the mummy exhibit at Museum of Natural History. Something about seeing corpses on display just didn't sit right with my younger self. When it comes to mummies on the big screen, though, they just don't do it for me. Maybe it's because they just look like a zombie wrapped in toilet paper. Maybe it's because the Brendan Fraiser Mummy trilogy was a fun adventure movie and not horror. Either way, it was time to give them a chance once again.

Tale of the Mummy is a 1998 horror movie starring Jason Scott Lee (The Jungle Book, Soldier) as Detective Riley. A group of archaeologists, led by Sir Richard Turkel, (Christopher Lee, Lord of the Rings, various Dracula movies) digging in Egypt discover the tomb of Talos, a powerful sorcerer/prince (I think, it's not really clear). They open the tomb, breaking the seal and unleashing a mystical wind, disintegrating their bodies. Half a century later, Sir Richard's log book ends up in the hands of his granddaughter Samantha (Louise Lombard, Hidalgo, CSI). Along with a team of archaeologists, Samantha excavates Talos's sarcophogus and puts it on display in London. A series of strange murders occurs throughout the city, with Detective Riley investigating. Each murder victim is found missing a specific body part. Riley teams up with Samantha and discovers that each missing body part was removed from Talos when he was mummified. Talos captures Samantha and it's up to Riley to stop him before the planets align and Talos is resurrected. But things are not what they seem.

"Damn am I dreamy!"

I have to commend the people involved with the movie for casting Jason Scott Lee in the lead role. It's not often you see someone of Hawaiian and Chinese descent in a lead role that isn't some sort of martial arts or historical movie. Kudos to them for going against the grain. They also wisely have Christopher Lee in the movie, though he's unfortunately in it for just a few minutes in the beginning. OK, now that I've gotten the compliments out of the way, I can get to the epic dressing-down that this movie deserves because holy fuck does it suck. This movie is a mess in every sense of the word. The story is half-assed, unclear, and flat-out boring. They tried to give a back story to Talos, but I couldn't follow and, frankly, I didn't care. There's a little side story with another archaeologist being played by Sean Pertwee (Soldier, The Mutant Chronicles) where he can see what Talos sees and then see what Sam sees and some other shit that doesn't really make sense or particularly affect the story.

Another major problem is the special effects. For a majority of the movie, Talos is a computerized mass of used toilet paper, floating through London and attacking people. Even for 1998, the effects used are embarrassingly bad. Remember the screen saver from Windows 95 that looks like a series of pipes going all over the place? That's what Talos looks like. It doesn't get much better when he gains an physical form which looks like a purple rubber alien suit. Didn't they realize that this looked at least a little stupid? The action is laughable and nothing in the movie is particularly scary or even exciting. The acting is fine, perhaps a little over-the-top at certain points, but it's one of the few bright spots in an otherwise black hole of entertainment.

Created in Final Cut Amateur

Mummies can be scary in the right hands. Unfortunately, the hands used to create Tale Of The Mummy must have been firmly jammed up someone's ass when they wrote this because it is incredibly shitty. The story is painfully bad, the special effects were bad even by 1998 standards. I read that there is actually a European version that is actually 20 minutes longer. Europeans already have enough to deal with with the collapse of the euro, they don't need to be tortured more by this terrible movie. Don't waste your time with Tale Of The Mummy.

2/10