Black Roses

Black Roses

Not to be confused with Guns n Roses, Black Veil Brides, or The Rosie Black Chronicles

Heavy metal is the Devil’s music, right? I mean, that’s why the world has been plunged into a thousand years of darkness ever since the release of Black Sabbath’s “Paranoid”. Oh, wait. That didn’t happen did it?

Every few years, groups of people with too much time on their hands get their dander up about the “evils of rock music”. The majority of people know this is ridiculous, but it certainly doesn’t help when a few goobers throw out a few lyrics from a metal band before committing heinous acts. No, a song isn’t going to flip a switch inside your brain commanding you to give your soul to the Dark One. But it’s not a bad idea for a movie.

Black Roses is a 1988 horror movie starring John Martin (General Hospital, One Life To Live) as high school English teacher Matthew Moorhouse. Black Roses, an up-and-coming heavy metal band, has decided to come to a small town to play 4 shows as a warm-up act before heading out on the road. Parents and school officials are both concerned with the lyrical content and the imagery put forth by the band’s music. While most of the adults want to shut down the shows, Mr. Moorhouse urges for the group to have an open mind. Students excitedly pack the auditorium to watch Black Roses and they adults sit in the back. One inoffensive power ballad later and the adults leave the show, safe in the knowledge that the band, while a bit too loud, is nothing to be afraid of. As soon as they leave, the concert kicks off in earnest with loads of sexual imagery and devilish music. The next day, Mr. Moorhouse reaches out to Black Roses lead singer Damian (Sal Vivano, The Jitters, Law & Order) who assures him that the band has no ill intentions towards the kids or the town. Even Mr. Moorhouse’s prize student Julie (Karen Planden in her only acting role of note) shows a marked change. Soon, the behavior (and clothing choices) of the high-schoolers begins to change. It is revealed that Black Roses are, in fact, demons corrupting young people with their music in an effort to turn them into fellow demons. Students start killing their parents and other adults in gruesome fashion. When Mr. Moorhouse confronts Julie about her change in behavior, she transforms into a hideous demon and tries to kill him. How will Mr. Moorhouse be able to stop Black Roses before it’s too late?

And what secrets does his mustache contain?

With an idea like this, there’s only two ways the movie could have gone: extremely serious or extremely goofy. The general concept isn’t bad and if done seriously, it at least had the potential to be a good horror movie. Of course, this was made in 1988, the same year that gave us tons of horror sequels like Friday the 13^th part VII, A Nightmare On Elm Street 4, Halloween 4, Hellraiser II, and Howling IV or lots of not-serious horror like Killer Klowns From Outer Space, Hobgoblins, Scarecrows, and Waxwork. For the most part, Black Roses is goofy. I say that because there are some scenes of violence in the movie that take an extremely dark turn compared to the tone of the rest of the film. A student shooting his father repeatedly in the head, another beating her perverted step-father to death, and Julie slitting someone’s throat are a stark departure from the lighthearted beginning of the movie. It kind of took the fun out of the movie’s initial camp. It’s hard to laugh when you’re cringing.

I said "No crusts"!

 So what makes Black Roses silly? Beyond the general tone of the movie, one has to look towards the flow and pacing of the movie as well as the continuity. The movie tends to slow down at various points just when you think it should be ramping up. Every time we get some action, the story veers off into different places, such as Mr. Moorhouse’s love life. Not enough time is really given to his personal life for us to care, so it’s just wasted minutes. I would have liked more attention spent on the band themselves. It would have been nice to have had a clearer motive for their actions or even some of a back-story. The movie just presents them as some sort of magical demons and that’s about it.

Danzig still looks pretty good for his age.

 When we are first introduced to Black Roses at the beginning of the movie, their demonic look is completely different from their look at the end of the movie. Why? I actually thought their original costumes, why obviously cheap masks, still looked good. Compare that to the embodiment of rubber bodysuit embarrassment we see at the end. That costume looks like it should be handing out overpriced rubbery pizzas at Chuck E. Cheese, not corrupting the innocent and turning them into monsters. In fact, I think he’s a little shorter than Mr. Moorhouse. Mr. Moorhouse should have just put his hand up, keeping the monster at bay while flinging it’s arms wildly.

Bring it on, short stack!

 When the movie first began, I thought the main character was a male student. About 20 minutes in, he is pretty much forgotten about as the focus shifts towards Mr. Moorhouse. I thought it was a bit odd that the hero of the movie was a teacher instead of one of the students. Wouldn’t it have been better and more cohesive to have a student save the day, resisting the pull of the evil metal music? It probably doesn’t help that some of the students are clearly in their late 20’s. But hey, we get famous metal drummer Carmine Appice (Ozzy Osbourne, Vanilla Fudge) in all his 80’s sleaziness as the band’s drummer. They get points for that at least. The acting throughout the movie is passable with no one being particularly bad or good. We do get a small scene with Vincent Pastore (Big Pussy from The Sopranos) as the father of one of the students. I’ll bet he doesn’t put Black Roses on too many resumes. In a bit of a funny coincidence, director John Fasano also directed Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare.

Whoops. Sorry, fellas. I’ll come back later.

 In a movie about heavy metal, how does the music hold up? It’s not bad actually, with real musicians such as Appice and Mark Free (King Kobra, Unruly) recording the songs. It’s your typical late 80’s mixture of rock and hair metal. Kind of catchy in that typical glittery cheesey 80’s way. The movie also features music from Lizzy Borden, Bang Tango, and Tempest. The sound track was released by Metal Blade, proud home of bands such as the Goo Goo Dolls, Viking, and Austrian Death Machine. Oh, and some other well-known metal bands too.

I’ll bet this demon was shoved into a lot of lockers as a teenager.

 Black Roses manages to have some fun moments, but doesn’t seem capable of pulling it together. The main message of the film does in fact seem to be that heavy metal is evil, though it’s not entirely clear given that the main character encourages people to have an open mind. The dark, intense nature of the movie’s violence takes away from the fun, leaving the movie in a weird sort of limbo between serious and silly. It also doesn’t help that the demons look like the leftovers from a Halloweentown store on November 1^st. The music is probably the best part thanks to the filmmakers wisely relying on established bands to provide it. While it’s not a particularly good movie, it can still be fun to laugh at with a group of friends.

4.5/10

Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare

Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare

This may or may not be the new Manowar album art

 
There is nothing inherently wrong with making a low-budget horror movie. There is something wrong with making a low-budget horror movie when the same person writes, produces, provides the music, and acts in the lead role.

Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare (originally titled The Edge of Hell) is a 1987 horror movie starring Jon Mikl Thor (Zombie Nightmare, 80’s metal band Thor) as John Triton, lead singer of the band Triton. Triton, along with their girlfriends and manager, have driven out to an isolated barn house to record new music. Unbeknownst to them, a family was mysteriously murdered several years before by an evil force. After a mediocre recording session, various monsters begin appearing in the house. One by one, the band becomes possessed by the evil presence and their personalities start to change. On the bright side, the band sounds better than ever. Unfortunately, the good times end as everyone in the house disappears, leaving John as the sole member still alive. The evil spirit finally reveals it’s true form, that of the Devil himself! How will John be able to defeat the Prince of Darkness?

And who knew the Devil was so adorable?

Calling Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare a vanity project for Jon Mikl Thor doesn’t do the term justice. He’s the writer, producer, and lead acting role. To the surprise of no one, Thor is not good at all three of these things. The movie cost a little over $50,000 to make, a paltry sum for a horror movie that includes multiple monsters. You may be surprised to find out that the movie took a week to film. If I had to guess, I would’ve said it took a solid afternoon.

In terms of acting, you have your standard c-level horror movie crappiness. The director purportedly hired some of his friends to act and I completely believe that. Lines are delivered poorly, usually with a lack of proper emotion or projection. I think Thor knew he wasn’t much of an actor, because despite being the hero of the movie, he actually isn’t in it all that much. There are times throughout the movie where the dialogue is drowned out by music.

This next one is called “Cocaine Titty Explosion”!

Speaking of music, Thor manages to cram in as much of his as possible. If we’re being honest, it’s not that bad. It straddles the line between hair metal and late 70’s cock rock. I’m not a fan of either genre, but the music manages to be tolerable, bordering on enjoyable at times. Probably because it distracts from the poor acting and lack of story. Beyond the metal music, Rock N Roll Nightmare also injects cheap Casio keyboard hits that would make Varg Vikernes nether regions tingle like the first time he read Mein Kampf. The cheap keyboard music pops up at random times throughout the movie and consistently made me laugh. Probably not what they were going for.

On top of all that, Thor is the main image on the poster. He beats out the Devil for top billing! He’s practically saying “Out of the way, Beezlebro, I gotta flex these pecs! You may bring the lightning, but I’ve got the thunder! Drink it in! UGGGHHHHH!” To be fair, when you’re a former bodybuilder that writes like Helen Keller after a night of heavy drinking, you might as well pose as much as possible. And pose he does. The final battle between John and the Devil is a chance for Thor to take off his shirt, put on some sort of chain-mail loincloth and do his best Mr. USA poses. Think I’m kidding? Look at this picture:

I call this look "Brown Steel"

With all of these things out of the way, what about the story? Well, there isn’t much story. There really isn’t much build or anticipation. Things just kind of happen and then we move on. The demons/monsters are Halloween store surplus. The Devil is downright adorable. And this guy? Subtlely was thrown out of the window into a dump truck filled with rat tracks. It’s literally a one-eyed penis-shaped monster. What else can you say? I mean, besides “What in the throbbing purple fuck?!”

Funny caption not necessary

 I won’t spoil the big twist, but it comes out of nowhere and makes very, very little sense. It actually causes more plotholes than fills them in. It does lead to one of the best fight scenes since Roddy Piper vs. Keith Davis in “They Live”. It’s less a find and more of a “John makes funny faces while holding the arms of the paper mache Devil. And it goes on for 10 minutes!

Oh sure, you love Slim Jims, but you don’t want to see what they’re made from.

Rock N Roll Nightmare is a funhouse mirror in Jon Mikl Thor’s world where he is the best at everything. Really, though, can you be annoyed by a movie this goofy and inept? Yeah, you can. With a group of friends Rock N Roll Nightmare can be a good time. It’s poorly acted, poorly written, and downright silly. It’s absolutely fun to laugh at and can be enjoyable if treated as such. But as a genuine horror movie? It’s woefully and hysterically bad. And may you be in Heaven half an hour before the Devil knows you’re flexing.

3.5/10

Hard Rock Zombies

Hard Rock Zombies

Rock and Roll will never die

Horror may be the only film genre where bad movies are just as beloved as the good ones. Oh sure, there’s a few terrible Sci-Fi movies out there that are loved (thanks to Mystery Science Theater 3000), but not on the same level as horror. Genres like romance, western, war, thriller and the like don’t have the same affinity for terrible movies. Why horror? I suppose if you like the genre, you already have a bit of a warped sense of humor as compared to the mainstream. Of course, it’s important to know the difference between “it’s so bad, it’s good” and “it’s so bad I want to pull my eyeballs out with an ice cream scoop”.

Hard Rock Zombies is a 1985 zombie movie E.J. Curse (Bones, Rules of Engagement) as Jessie, the lead singer of an up-and-coming hair metal band. The band travels to the small coastal town of Grand Guignol to play a concert for a record producer. Along the way, they pick up a beautiful hitchhiker named Elsa (Eyes of the Serpent, Molested) who invites them to stay at her family’s mansion. The family consists of Elsa, her elderly grandparents, her brother (it’s not clear), a groundskeeper, and two “little people”, one with an eye patch and one suffering some sort of unexplained deformity. Unbeknownst to the band, Elsa recently drowned two men while her family members watched with glee. While in town, the band’s antics, which includes skateboarding and miming (seriously), raises the ire of the locals. Enraged by these events, the town bans the band from playing. Meanwhile, Jessie starts to fall for a young girl of indeterminate age from town named Cassie (Jennifer Coe) who had originally warned him not to come to Grand Guignol. Instead of playing in town, the band performs at the mansion for the sadistic family. The band is electrocuted mid-set, but survives. Later that night, the family murders each member of the band, leaving only their manager alive who was in town trying to secure a venue for the band. When he returns, the grandfather reveals himself to actually be Hitler (yes, really) who is still bent on world destruction. Cassie resurrects the band, turning them into the living dead, who quickly gain revenge on the murderous Nazi family. Unfortunately, the family is also turned into zombies who begin to wreak havoc on the townspeople. How will the hard rock zombies be able to stop the zombie Nazis and what will happen when the record producer comes to see their show?

Y-M-C-BRAAAAAIIINNNNSSSSS!

Does that sound like a good movie to you? No. Of course not. Does it sound like a movie “so bad, it’s good”. Don’t say “yes” because it wasn’t. The entire film is a comedy of errors. From a technical standpoint, many scenes are too dark, the music is occasionally so loud that it drowns out dialogue, mics creep into shots, the inexplicable scenes of the band cavorting around town like extras from a Dexys Midnight Runners video and the even more inexplicable scenes of Elsa dancing. The exclamation point comes when writer/director Krishna Shah’s (American Drive-In, Shalimar) name is spelled incorrectly in the credits.

Yep. That’s a mic at the top of the frame.

Of course, the technical errors can’t even compare to this viral outbreak of story. I wasn’t trying to be lazy or vague in my rundown of the movie above. I genuinely couldn’t remember characters names or even the name of the band. It doesn’t really matter. It’s not like it had much of an impact on the story.

Not pictured: Story

Speaking of story, I have eight words: who, where, when, why, and what the fuck? With bad horror movies, you can usually see a kernel of a good idea hidden beneath the layers of garbage. I couldn’t find that kernel in Hard Rock Zombies. It’s as if someone had an idea board and threw three darts that happened to land on “zombies” “music” and “Hitler”. And to make things worse, all three of those things are executed poorly.
When the band becomes zombies, the do this herky-jerky walk-dance that looks like a cross between The Robot and rigor mortis setting in. And they can still do normal everyday things like drive and play their instruments. Sure. Why not? In terms of music, “hard rock” is a huge misnomer. The band’s songs are the musical equivalent of marshmallows. Yeah, it’s catchy, but so is the flu. And Hitler? This came from out of nowhere and managed to make a story about musician zombies even stupider. And why did he reveal himself? And what’s the deal with the deformed little person? And is Eva Braun a werewolf or does she just wear a werewolf mask? Nothing is particularly clear and just when you think things get weirder, things get weirder. All of this makes me want to curl up in a ball under the kitchen table, eating nothing but sugar packets until my arteries caramelize.

Sadly, the Hair Metal Helmet never took off.

One would think that the basis of the movie would be the band gaining revenge on the family. That makes sense, right? Well, making sense took a vacation with this movie. The family is killed in less than ten minutes of the bands’ demise. Why not have that be the rest of the film? Maybe you think I’m being too hard on this movie, but you didn’t have to sit through it. I’m definitely stupider for having done so. If it was supposed to be a straight horror film, it failed. If it was supposed to be a comedy film, it failed.

People that like this movie dress up their kids as Ash from Army of Darkness. People that like this movie then tweet those pictures to Bruce Campbell for his approval. People that like this movie see nothing wrong with the insanity of the “ghost rape” storyline in American Horror Story. People that like this movie invite dates over to watch Human Centipede. People that like this movie get hot dogs at the movie theater. People that like this movie use the bathroom stall next to you even though there’s a bunch open. People that like this movie own a “Keep Calm” shirt. People that like this movie take a full shopping cart to the self-checkout line. People that like this movie use Uber just because it’s raining. People that like this movie really want you to read Ron Paul’s books. People that like this movie get lunch from Dunkin Donuts every day.

(If any of that offended you, please leave lots of rage comments and post a link to this review everywhere. I get more views that way.)

 

“Ssssssssmmmoooookin!”

The story is bad, the acting is bad, the humor is bad, and the music is bad. What I’m really trying to say is that Hard Rock Zombies is bad and now I feel bad for having watched it. It’s not bad in a good way. It’s just plain bad.

Hard Rock Zombies is available in it’s entirety on Youtube (but you shouldn’t watch it).

1/10

Trick Or Treat

Trick Or Treat

Judging by the poster, I'll choose neither

High school is a hellish time for just about everyone. We’ve all had to deal with bad grades, homework, unrequited love, bullies, and the killer ghosts of satanic heavy metal icons. What, you didn’t have to deal with that last one?

I always cringe when I hear someone say that high school was the best time of their life. Really? Was it the delicious school lunches of cardboard and ketchup pizza? Was it being forced to sit through useless class after useless class being taught by someone who stopped caring 5 years before you were born? Those people peaked early. They’re the same goofs that wear their Varsity jackets and add current high schools on Facebook. More often than not, those people were also bullies. The point is, high school is no fun which is why it’s the basis for many horror movies. Just off the top of my head, I can think of Horror High, Carrie, The Craft, and Prom Night all revolving around high school. All three also involve revenge on bullies. Sounds like a theme, huh?

Trick or Treat is a 1986 supernatural horror movie starring Marc Price (Family Ties, The Rescue) as high-schooler Eddie Weinbauer. Eddie is an outcast in school and is consistently being tortured by bully Tim Hainey (Doug Savant, Melrose Place, 24). His one escape is through his love of heavy metal. Eddie consistently writes to his hero, Sammi Curr (Tony Fields, Across the Moon, Santa Barbara) his favorite musician who also went to the same high school as Eddie. Sammi is killed in a mysterious fire leaving Eddie completely devastated. He visits his friend Nuke (Gene Simmons from KISS), a DJ at the local radio station. To help Eddie deal with his grief, Nuke gives him the demo record of Curr’s unreleased last album “Songs In The Key Of Death”. Nuke also informs Eddie that he plans to play the album at midnight on Halloween. While listening to the album, Eddie has a strange vision of a building on fire and Sammi sitting in what appears to be some sort of satanic ritual. He then hears that the record is skipping and that hidden lyrics seem to be directly addressing him. Eddie begins to follow the instructions from the record, taking revenge on Tim. Standing up to his bully, Eddie is filled with a new confidence and begins a friendship with popular girl Leslie (Lisa Orgolini, Born To Ride, Satlin). As time goes on, Eddie realizes that Sammi Curr is actually speaking to him from beyond the grave via the record. Sammi’s evil plans are soon revealed and before Eddie can stop him, an electrical surge reincarnates Sammi, complete with electric powers. Will Eddie and Leslie be able to stop Sammi before his music is broadcast for the entire world to hear?

And what does his hand taste like?

On the surface, Trick Or Treat is a fun, if somewhat goofy horror movie. It initially hits on the misfit teenager being bullied and wanting revenge trope pretty well. Almost a little too well, in fact. Eddie’s humiliation and torture is so great that if you take out the movie’s camp and put in some ambient music, the first 20 minutes of the movie could be very depressing. Combine this with his airhead and mostly-absent mother, and this could easily be a movie about a school shooting in the right (or wrong) context. Of course, we can’t take out the camp because it really defines the rest of the movie. The special effects, though, are very cartoony. And when I say cartoony, I’m not being abstract. I mean they literally look like they are from a cartoon. The movie manages sprinkle in some legitimately funny humor, such as a student in a mascot costume being carried out of the school dance on a stretcher.

Whoa! Too close!

The acting and directing are both fine. Tony Fields was a Solid Gold dancer prior to acting and he sure gets plenty of chances to show off his moves. All that was missing was the bucket of water from Flashdance. There are some fun and creative kills to keep the audience entertained. The story starts to wear thin, though, towards the end. We get the natural progression of a bullied Eddie wanting revenge only to have remorse at his actions. But at the end, Tim is still a bully, trying to force himself on Leslie and even hitting her. So does that mean Eddie was right all along with his quest for revenge? Seems like a bad lesson. Eddie isn’t written as the best hero. Towards the end of the movie, he’s constantly telling Leslie to “stay here” or “wait here”. In fact, it’s Leslie and Eddie’s friend Roger that show more bravery than Eddie does.

The movie does have a fair amount of plot holes that tends to take away from the viewing experience. Why is Sammi chasing after Eddie now that he’s reincarnated? Ultimately, what difference does it make? It’s not like he needs him anymore. And how are they going to explain all of these supernatural deaths? There’s a scene where a band is about to play at the high school dance and Sammi reaches through an amp, kills the singer, and takes his place to perform the concert. This is all done in front of a room full of people and no one cares! I can suspend disbelief, but come on. It also doesn’t help when a microphone is clearly in the shot. Oops.

The mic is the least-awkward thing about this shot

Another bit of weirdness/creepiness revolves around a scene involving Tim’s girlfriend Gennie listening to a cassette copy of “Song In The Key Of Death”. Through the power of satanic magic (I guess) Sammi molests Gennie with a ghost-like animated hand. After disrobing, Gennie opens her eyes to see a giant green monster on top of her. What was the point of this scene? It was incredibly uncomfortable and wholly unnecessary. It didn’t add to the story and made the movie far darker than intended. On top of that, where did this monster version of Sammi come from and why didn’t we ever see it again? It was just so very strange and didn’t make much sense.

It’s nice to see Gene Simmons pull double duty.

When most movies try to address heavy metal, we get some sort of ham-fisted reference to a band or album, and nothing more. See the “No way! I love Pantera too!” conversation from Mighty Ducks 3 for an example. I’ll give Trick or Treat a lot of credit though because there is enough in this movie to make any metal fan happy. We have references to Judas Priest, Megadeth, Exciter, Lizzy Borden, Dee Snider, Anthrax, and Impaler. There is also a reference to the PMRC Senate hearings made famous by the spat between Dee Snider and Tipper Gore. Clearly, someone knew what they were doing when putting this together. Of course, the movie’s underlying message does seem to say that heavy metal is evil, so it’s really a toss-up if Trick or Treat is pro or anti-metal. Music for the movie is provided by Fastway, featuring “Fast” Eddie Clark, formerly of Motorhead and Pete Way, formerly of UFO.

The movie also has cameos by KISS’s Gene Simmons and Ozzy Osbourne as an anti-heavy metal evangelist Reverend Aaron Gilstrom. Despite what some posters and DVD covers might suggest, both rockers do not star in this movie. They just make brief, but fun cameos. Ozzy’s natural stammering makes his character seem more natural and believable. Just think of how many times you say “um” and “uh” in your daily life and then watch a movie. Doesn’t happen too often. Excluding Jeff Goldblum, of course.
Ultimately, Trick or Treat is a fun, if flawed, horror movie. It’s entertaining enough with some good action and subtle humor. It’s cheesy, but fun cheesy.I appreciated that the movie actually put effort into establishing that Eddie loved heavy metal. I also liked that Sammi once referred to Eddie as “false metal”. Apparently, Eddie was reincarnated as a Youtube commenter.

5.5/10

Day 356: The Gingerdead Man

The Gingerdead Man 

I wonder if he knows the Muffin Man

Sometimes you just need to see a bad movie. There's nothing wrong with purposely watching a bad movie, it's an indulgence, like eating a piece of chocolate or an entire White Castle Crave Case by yourself. You know it's bad for you, but it doesn't matter. You want to enjoy this bad thing for all it's worth. It's one of life's joys. There are plenty of terrible horror movies out there and some even have a cult following. Full Moon Features/Entertainment specializes in putting out ridiculously schlocky horror movies like Evil Bong, Demonic Toys, and Puppet Master. When you pick up a movie called “Evil Bong” you pretty much know what you're going to get. Despite making a whole lot of “so bad it's good” movies, they still managed to screw one up starring the human dynamo known as Gary Busey.

The Gingerdead Man is a 2005 horror movie starring Gary Busey (Under Siege, I'm With Busey) as crazed killer Millard Findlemayer. At a diner in Waco, Texas, Findlemayer goes on a shooting spree killing Jeremy and James Leigh. As the police are closing in, he fires at Sarah Leigh (Robin Sydney, Masters Of Horror: Right To Die, Evil Bong), but she manages to survive (or it misses her, it's not really clear). Some years pass, and Sarah is running a bakery on the verge of closing thanks to businessman Jimmy Dean (Larry Cedar, Deadwood, The Crazies) starting his cafe business across the street. We learn through a voice-over that Millard Findlemayer was executed and his ashes were given to his mother who happens to be a witch. Sarah receives a package of gingerbread spice left at the back door by a cloaked figure. While mixing ingredients, Brick Fields (Jonathan Chase, Gamer, The Mentalist) one of the store's bakers, accidentally cuts his hand, spilling blood in the mixture. The contaminated dough is then cut into the shape a large gingerbread man and placed in the oven. Jimmy's daughter Lorna (Alexia Aleman, Close Call, Mad Men) brings a rat into the bakery in order to get it closed down and a fight with Sarah ensues. Lorna's boyfriend Amos (Ryan Locke, American Gun, Supercross) breaks up the fight, but not before Lorna causes an electric surge to hit the oven and reanimate the gingerbread man with Millard's soul. The murderous Gingerdead Man, as he is dubbed, goes on a violent killing spree, murdering Jimmy, cutting off Sarah's mom's finger, and encasing one of the workers in frosting. With the doors booby-trapped and the Gingerdead Man seemingly impossible to kill, how will Sarah and Amos survive?

Pictured: Gary Busey in his natural state

I knew it was going to be bad. There was no “maybe” about it. When you pick up a movie about a killer gingerbread man voiced by Gary Busey, you know you're not watching the next Ben-Hur or Schindler's List. With movies of this caliber, you want lots of murders, ridiculous one-liners, and perhaps a little nudity. Instead, The Gingerdead Man feels the need to try and be a real movie. There are far too many scenes filled with boring dialogue and exposition and not enough insane, laughable violence. The movie starts off so promising as the very first scene of the movie involves Gary Busey, who may or may not have been acting) walking into the shot and firing a gun. No dialogue, no setup, just a disheveled Busey and a gun. That's magic right there. Unfortunately, that's all the live Busey we get as he voices The Gingerdead Man for the rest of the film. For whatever reason, we never see him arrested or executed, instead getting a 2 sentence voice-over explaining his death and his mother's witchy abilities. The movie is barely an hour long, they couldn't spare an extra minute to show some of this? It's not like the rest of the movie was crammed with action either.

When the movie finally gets around to the violence, it becomes immensely more entertaining. It's still not great because a movie like this needs to be ultra violent and ultra bloody. While it's funny to see an gingerbread man driving a car into Jimmy, it's not the most creative way they could have killed someone. With a bakery full of all sorts of tools and machines, don't you think they could have been a little more creative? As a former baker, I couldn't believe that a) they work without gloves and b) used a mix that someone bled into. Lorna didn't need to bring a rat into the bakery, it was already worthy of an “F” rating from the health inspector. The movie is strangely very dark making some scenes difficult to see. There are some laughs in the movie, mostly coming from Busey's foul-mouthed Gingerdead Man and goofball wrestling fan Brick. The actual gingerdead man puppet is kind of funny looking with a scrunched-up typically evil face. I think it would have been better if it switched back and forth between a normal, sweet-looking gingerbread man and the evil one. Kind of like the snowman in Jack Frost. 

"Welcome to Wal-Mart!"

The Gingerdead Man is ridiculous and absurd, but for all the wrong reasons. Despite being only an hour long, the movie moves incredibly slow thanks to unnecessarily long dialogue scenes that go nowhere. We don't need or want dialogue with this type of movie. We want lots of over-the-top violence and lots of Gary Busey. When you have a loose cannon like Gary Busey (see here, here, and here for proof) in your movie, just let him go nuts and have him on screen as much as possible. We only get a little bit of him and it's incredibly disappointing. The violence is good, but should have been far more extreme. I almost feel bad for criticizing a movie about a killer gingerbread man. Almost, but not enough to stop me from doing it. The movie doesn't reach the “so bad it's good” level of C-list movies and tends to annoy more than entertain. And to make things worse, they made multiple sequels. If you're with a group of friends or have been drinking heavily, you may get a sarcastic laugh or two out of The Gingerdead Man. If not, do yourself a favor and avoid it and stick with donuts.

Be sure to check out another review of The Gingerdead Man by Josh Langland (@TheHorrorGuru) from Blood Splattered Cinema. It's far funnier than the actual movie. Buse-anity!

2.5/10

Day 319: Puppet Master

Puppet Master

Obey your master...master

I've reviewed a few movies courtesy of Full Moon Entertainment, including Demonic Toys, Decadent Evil,  Evil Bong, and Meridian. While all three were different, their similarities were obvious. All were made on the cheap and were completely balls-out insane. I mean, a talking bong that kills people? A Beauty And The Beast knockoff horror movie? Whatever the fuck Decadent Evil is? When a movie with murderous toys is the least batshit insane movie out of the bunch, you know there's something wrong. Full Moon did actually have a breakout hit amongst all their stealing piles of crap: Puppet Master. The Puppet Master franchise has spawned over ten movies, comic books, and toys. If a movie franchise has lasted this long, the original has to be great, right? Of course not, this is Full Moon we're talking about!

Puppet Master is a 1989 direct-to-video horror movie written by Charles Band and Kenneth J. Hall. The movie stars Paul Le Mat (American Graffiti, American History X) as psychic Alex Whitaker. In 1939, puppeteer Andre Toulon (William Hickey, Tales From The Darkside, The Nightmare Before Christmas) is tracked down by two Nazi spies. Toulon had discovered the secret ability to give life to inanimate objects and bestowed the gift on his puppets. As the Nazis are about to break down his door, Toulon shoots himself before they could get his secret. Fifty years later, a psychic named Alex Whitaker begins to have strange, violent dreams involving both the past and the future. At the same time, fellow psychic Dana Hadley (Irene Miracle, Midnight Express, Inferno), has a vision of getting her throat cut. Alex and Dana, along with psychic couple Carissa and Frank are summoned to the Bodege Bay Inn where their former colleague Neil Gallagher (Jimmie F. Skaggs, Cutthroat Island, Leathal Weapon) is staying. They meet Neil's wife Megan who informs them that Neil has killed himself and before his burial, insisted that the four psychics were present. As the day turns into night, Toulon's puppets come to life and begin to wreak havoc on the guests. Soon, only Alex and Megan are left alive. To their shock, Neil turns up alive and well. How is this possible and what does Neil have in store for Alex and Megan?

"Ain't I a stinker?"

As with any killer doll movie, you have to take the plot with a grain of salt. Done correctly, the killer doll genre can be quite scary and very entertaining. Child's Play and the Talking Tina episode of The Twilight Zone are proof. Puppet Master gives us different dolls with unique attributes, like knives for hands and spitting up leeches to keep things interesting. Sure, it's utterly ridiculous to see a plastic doll spit out multiple leeches, but hey, at least it's different. The puppets look good with some nice detail put into each one. The use of stop-motion gives the puppets semi-believable mobility and multiple first-person camera shots for the puppets' point of view is fun and mixes things up. There are some fun kills and the usual amount of violence and nudity expected in a Full Moon movie.

The problem with Puppet Master is that the over-the-top violence and action doesn't come in until the last third of the movie. Instead, we have to sit through a story that must have been dipped on molasses before it was made. I had literally zero interest in the psychics and their screwy dreams. It has very little to do with the killer puppets, which is stupid because the entire point of the movie is to see the puppets kill people! I didn't watch the movie so I can hear about psychics and the barely-their connection to Toulos. The dream sequences were ridiculous time killers that had a high unintentional comedy factor. I didn't care about Alex, which is a problem because he's the fucking main character. If I don't care about him, why should I care about anything else? On top of that, his hair was a ridiculous amalgam of Meatloaf and Dennis Miller hair. The acting is downright painful, though it's not like they had a lot to work with.

Yeah, this makes sense

When I watch a killer doll movie, I want to see killer dolls. I don't want to have to sit through some unnecessary blather about psychic. You wouldn't watch a zombie movie if the focus was on the main character's golf game, would you? The first 40 minutes are painfully dull and almost completely useless. When the dolls finally start killing people the movie actually becomes fun and entertaining. The variety of dolls kept things interesting and the first-person camera shots were a nice touch. The violence was decent and distracted from the plot holes and filming mistakes like an elevator clearly going up while the numbers go down. While I wasn't expecting Citizen Kane, I figured that a movie that spawned 10 sequels would have at least been decent. Demonic Toys was a better movie. DEMONIC TOYS! If you're morbidly curious or a completest, I'd say check out Puppet Master. If you're looking for a good movie, check elsewhere.

3/10

Day 286: Troll

Troll

Doing it for the "lols" since 1986

When I think of horror movies, certain characters come to mind: Vampires, zombies, werewolves, ghosts. You know, your typical monsters and villains. One creature that never crosses my mind is a troll. Yes, they have their place in old stories and mythology, but they're never the first choice when it comes to horror. Heck, they're not even the tenth choice. I put trolls somewhere between goblins and Ron Paul supporters on the monster scale. Of course, when a movie is made in the 1980's, everything is fair game, like Patrick Swayze playing a bouncer in Roadhouse.

Troll is a 1986 fantasy/horror movie starring Noah Hathaway (The Neverending Story, Battlestar Galactica) as Harry Potter Jr. The Potter family, Harry Sr, Anne, Harry Jr. and Wendy, move into a new apartment in San Francisco. While unpacking, Wendy goes into the basement where she is attacked by a troll. Using a magical ring, the troll traps Wendy and assumes her form. The troll, as Wendy, returns to the apartment and starts acting strangely. She is far more aggressive and stronger than normal, and Harry takes note. Frightened by his sister, Harry befriends an old woman in the apartment named Eunice St. Clair (June Lockhart, Lassie, Lost In Space). Meanwhile, the troll travels from apartment to apartment, transforming each inhabitant (including Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Sonny Bono, and Phil Fondarco) and their room into a part of the magical realm it once came from. Eunice reveals that she is actually a witch and explains to Harry what is occurring. The troll was once a wizard named Torok who tried to overtake the human realm. Defeated, Torok was turned into a troll as punishment and Eunice stood guard waiting for him to try to take over the realm again. She tells Harry that the only way to stop Torok and get his sister back is to plunge a magic staff into the heart of Torok's world, which is now merging with the apartment. Will Harry be able to stop Torok and save his sister before our world is overrun with trolls, fairies, wood nymphs and all sorts of fantasy creatures?

"I watch you while you sleep. Nighty-night."

This movie has a strange cult following, partially due to it's horrendous sequel, Troll 2. I wasn't really sure what to expect considering it's sequel is so notorious. The movie is clearly geared towards kids as the main character is a young boy who teams up with a friendly witch to save his younger sister. The parents are portrayed in that wacky 80's-style sitcom fashion, with the father doing wacky dances and having semi-funny one-liners. Troll routinely shows up in the horror section, so you'd think it would actually be scary, but unless you're under the age of 10, you won't even raise an eyebrow. The trolls and creatures have a nice variety and look good, far better than the ones in, say, Ghoulies. The story feels strangely random, as if it's starting in the middle of a thought. Usually in fantasy movies, we get the back-story first and then lead into current events. Within the first two minutes of the movie, Wendy is attacked by the troll. That leaves so many questions unanswered until the final 1/3 of the movie like “What the hell is that?”, “Where did that come from?”, and “Why in the blue hell is it in the basement of an apartment?”

I didn't know Ron Jeremy was in this movie

This movie desperately wants to be The Neverending Story, but doesn't even come close. Other than having the same that played Atreyu, Troll does not possess the solid and coherent story that TNS has. The other realm that takes over the apartment is just the a plain old forest. There are no mystical lands for Harry to journey to, which kills most of the adventure aspect of the movie. The acting is fine and it was fun to see real actors in such a goofy movie. The special effects are very cartoonish and pretty laughable. There were actually a few legitimately funny moments, like Sonny Bono talking about picking up chicks. What wasn't funny was the fact that Wendy's parents had no problem letting their little girl wander into strangers apartments. What's worse, these people saw nothing wrong with hanging out with an unaccompanied minor. I know it's essentially a movie for kid's, but come on. That's just insane on so many levels. 

"He took it out."

I really have no idea why Troll ends up in the horror section. Nothing is scary, unless you count the fact that people paid money to see it at some point. The creatures in the movie do look good and the variety gives the audience something to look at. The story is weird and not in the good way as it never seems to find it's footing. The acting and directing are fine and it's fun to pick out the legitimate actors in smaller roles. Troll is better suited for little kids than the horror crowd. It's watchable, but just barely. And yes, I still think trolls are terrible movie monsters.

3/10

Day 278: Chopping Mall

Chopping Mall

Chop till you drop

Ah, the great American shopping mall. Where else, other than a carnival or flea market, could you ride a carousel, eat a buttered pretzel, and buy clothes? Malls are no stranger to the horror genre. They were most famously used in Dawn of The Dead, but were also used in The Initiation, Hide And Go Shriek, and Phantom Of The Mall. In the 80's the mall was the mecca of consumerism so it's no surprise that they received the horror treatment. This location allows for a lot of possibilities for scares and action, but also good social commentary. Or it's just a big, cheap open space to shoot.

Chopping Mall (also known as Killbots) is a 1986 horror movie starring Kelli Maroney (Night Of The Comet, Not Of This Earth) as Alison Parks and Tony O'Dell (Head Of The Class, The Karate Kid) as Ferdy Meisel. The Park Plaza Mall has just installed a new state-of-the-art security system manned by three robots. Armed with tasers and tranquilizer guns, the robots are programmed to patrol the premises at night, asking any human for identification. One night, lightning strikes the mall, damaging the computer that controls the robots. They come to life, killing the scientist in charge of watching them and begin roaming the mall. At the same time, four teenage couples are partying in one of the stores after hours. While the other couples get down to “business,” shy Alison and nerdy Ferdy (see what they did there?) talk and watch and old horror movie. When one couple leaves the store to go buy cigarettes from a vending machine (hey, it's the 80's), they are killed by the robots. The men and women seperate with the women eventually going to a hardware store and the men going to a sporting good store. The men arm themselves with guns and the women create molotovs using gas cans and rags. When they think they have one of the robots defeated, another one appears, killing one of the girls with laser beams (yes, laser beams). As the night wears on, more of the group are killed eventually leaving only Allison and Ferdy. How will they be able to beat this futuristic killbots and survive?

Apparently, her giant hair is thinking of getting something to eat

When I heard the title “Chopping Mall” I actually expected the movie to be about a serial killer loose in a mall. Sure, it's been done before, but not with such a clever title. Instead, we get a movie about killer robots. Obviously, the name change has something to do with my confusion, but doesn't lessen my disappointment. In fact, I don't think there any significant chopping in “Chopping Mall”. What a bummer! The movie is very much entrenched in mid-80's culture with it's goofy characters and general attitude. It's fun to see things like cigarette vending machines, big hair, multiple pay phones, and all sorts now-antiquated items in the mall. Chopping Mall does reference other horror movies, such as one of the characters saying the phrase “klaatu barada nikto” from “The Day The Earth Stood Still” and “Army of Darkness”. There are also horror movie posters in a pizza shop, including one for Slumber Party Massacre.

I wasn't expecting much when I decided to watch this movie, but it managed to be entertaining. There isn't much to the story and very little in the way of any character development. That's not why you're watching the movie, though. Chopping Mall has a surprisingly good amount of action and violence. Much like Dawn Of The Dead, the protagonists use guns found in a store to fight off their enemies. Of course, these are some heavy-duty guns. I know the 80's were bad, but I didn't think assault weapons were necessary. The movie does try to utilize a few different stores in the mall, but I could have used more variety. When you have lots of options, you might as well use most of them, The robots look decent, though their lasers look like a poor-man's Star Wars effect. The acting is passable since not a lot is required other than running, screaming, and shooting. Kelli Maroney's character is a sweeter, less Valley Girl version of her character in Night Of The Comet and makes for a good heroine.

"Stop! I just wanted a hug!"

Chopping Mall is the epitome of B-horror movies: The idea is over-the-top, the budget is small, and there isn't much of a story, but it's still fun to watch. The robots look decent and there is enough violence and action to keep the audience from thinking about the story. The acting is passable and the direction is fine. I would have liked a little more variety in locations used and more creativity in fighting the robots. Best watched with a group of friends, Chopping Mall manages to be entertaining and ridiculous at the same time.

6/10

Day 197: From A Whisper To A Scream

From A Whisper To A Scream

From a whisper to a yawn

Anthologies are a fun concept for horror movies. They can take short stories that are unable to fit into a standard hour and a half format of regular movies and get them on the big screen. Sometimes the stories have a common theme running through them like in Tales From The Hood or Heavy Metal. Other times, they're just a few stories thrown together. What matters most is that the stories are entertaining, the acting is good, and that there are overtones of horror. Seems simple enough, right? Unfortunately, those three things are not easily attainable and can make for an unpleasant watch.

From A Whisper To A Scream (also known as The Offspring) is a 1987 horror anthology starring Vincent Price as Julian White. Julian's niece Karen is executed by the state of Tennessee for committing a murder. He is visited by Beth Chandler (Susan Tyrrell, Cry-Baby, Powder), a reporter that was present at Karen's execution. She questions Julian about his niece and he explains that though she may have committed a crime, she is not to blame. He blames her murderous actions on the town of Oldfield, Tennessee. He relates four separate tales from the town's past. The first tells the story of Stanley Burnside (Clu Gulager, The Return Of The Living Dead, The Initiation), a lonely middle-aged man caught in a mundane life caring for his sick sister. He has a crush on his co worker Grace and convinces her to go on a date. Incredibly bored, she tries to leave, but Stanley chokes her to death in a fit of rage. Unsatisfied, Stanley visits her body in the funeral home and commits the act of necrophilia on her body. 9 months later, Stanley gets a special visitor. What could it be? The second story involves a criminal named Jesse Hardwick (Terry Kiser, Weekend At Bernie's. Mask Maker) who is shot in a swamp fleeing from criminals he ripped off. Jesse is saved by and old man named Felder Evans (Harry Caesar, A Few Good Men, The Longest Yard). Jesse sees Felder practicing some sort of witchcraft late at night and investigates his belongings. He finds newspaper clippings mentiong Felder dating back to the early 1800's. Jesse surmises that his rituals have made him immortal and forces Felder to teach him the secrets. What will Felder do? The third story is about a freak show glass-eater that falls in love with a girl named Amarillis. They plan to run away, but the glass-eater is indebted to Snakewoman, who runs the freak show. How will they escape? The final story features three Union soldiers at the end of the civil war. They are captured and tortured by a group of children, orphaned by the war. Will they be able to escape? Julian finishes telling the stories of Oldfield to Beth, hoping to see if she is convinced that the town is evil. Will she believe Julian and does she have an ulterior motive for visiting him?

Vincent Price's "Bitch, please" face

When you have so many stories crammed into one feature-length movie, odds are that at least one of them has to be good. Sadly, this is not the case in From A Whisper To A Scream. The stories are all underdeveloped and lack the right amount of action to keep things interesting. They are full of half-decent ideas that go nowhere. The movie was clearly made on the cheap as the sets are woefully inadequate and dated. The direction is shoddy and many scenes are too dark to see what is happening. Vincent Price is as delightful as ever, but even he acknowledged that the movie was terrible. The sets are supposed to take place during different time periods, but some of the costumes and music don't fit. It is woefully apparent that the movie is made in the the 80's because Susan Tyrrell's character looks like she fell out of an A-Ha video.

The first story has off-pacing and the little side bit with Stanley's sister is just plain weird. I don't know if they were going with some sort of underlying incest, but whatever it was, it failed. It didn't help that they showed his elderly sister naked. The necrophilia scene made sense for the story, but it was still creepy and the end result was unintentionally ridiculous. The second story was fine, just a little boring. Terry Kiser was a bit too hammy and over-the-top for my liking. The third story is just flat-out terrible and is the weakest of all four. The plot isn't particularly clear and everything just feels forced. It doesn't help that the acting is painful to watch. The final story is essentially Children Of The Corn-lite. It is probably the best idea out of the four stories, but the execution is just no good. 

Taaaaake onnnnnnn meeeeeeee....

We know that horror anthologies can be enjoyable. Creepshow and Trick R' Treat are proof. The difference between those movies and From A Whisper To A Scream is that those stories are well-crafted, there is good action, and the horror is strong. The stories in this movie just cannot hold up on their own and are not enjoyable to sit through. There is nothing particularly scary and they lack action. The acting ranges from passable to terrible, making a bad situation worse. Despite having Vincent Price involved, do yourself a favor, and avoid From A Whisper To A Scream

2/10

Day 188: Sorority House Massacre

Sorority House Massacre

Phi Beta Whoa, Mama

If you only watched horror movies from the 80's, you'd think serial killers were terrorizing sexy girls at every turn. You would think there were horrible mass murders going on in every location imaginable. The 80's were practically a massacre jamboree. Even when “Massacre” wasn't in the title, like Sleepaway Camp for example, you still knew what it was. Crazed killer slashing his way through a bunch of supporting cast members trying to get to one specific character. Despite this cliché, many of these movies were and are still fun to watch. Of course, those are more well-known “Massacre” movies. How about one that sounds like it would fit right in, but you may not have seen.

Sorority House Massacre is a 1986 slasher starring Angela O'Neil as Beth, a young college girl who just joined a sorority. When she moves in to the sorority house, she begins to have strange, realistic dreams involving murder inside the house. She is unaware that as a child, her brother Bobby (John C. Russell, killed their family inside the very same house and was committed to a mental institution. Her sorority sisters Linda, Sara, and Tracy try to determine what the dreams mean while the rest of the house occupants go on a trip. Meanwhile, Bobby has snapped out of his mental stupor and escapes the institution. The girls are joined by a few boys, each one fitting an 80's cliché. Beth's dreams intensify, leaving her clues to what happened when she was a child. Through her dreams, she is able to find the knife Bobby used to kill her family. Bobby arrives at the house, looking to finish his business and kill Beth. He terrorizes the house, stabbing and killing the boys and most of the kills. Will Beth be able to stop him?

And will she still look like Tom Cruise?

If it feels like I skipped over a lot of story or missed something, I didn't. The movie is only about an hour and fifteen minutes long and there really is no violence until about 25 minutes left. You would think that by having a shorter movie, they'd get to the killing quicker, but no, they take their sweet time telling a story that we've all seen before in far better movies. It's not like they filled in that time with important dialogue or foreshadowing. We're “treated” to a scene where the girls try on different horrendous 80's clothes set to wailing sitcom saxophone. I guess they needed an excuse to show the girls topless, but come on, trying on clothes? That does not make for good movie watching. The story and certain scenes are very similar to Halloween. Shooting from the killer's perspective, never really seeing his face, killing as a child and going to a mental institution. Even the knife is similar. Unintentional laughs insure when Bobby walks into a hardware store and, instead of grabbing a mask like Michael Myers, he just smashes a glass case with his hand and steals a knife. They weren't exactly going for subtlety or atmosphere.

The movie tries to go a different route with the dream sequences, but they are confusing and not put together well. It is difficult to tell what is going on between dream and reality, but not in the good, crazy “whoa that was just a dream” way. It's more like “What the hell is going on. Oh, it's a dream. So?” Many scenes are too dark and the direction is too shoddy to always follow what is happening. The acting is passable, which is actually a compliment considering that the actors did not have much to work with in terms of story or dialogue. The wacky dreams bring to mind Slumber Party Massacre II, which came out not too long after Sorority House Massacre. I don't know, maybe I just have “S-word noun Massacre” movies on the brain. It actually took some effort not to type Slumber Party Massacre instead of Sorority House Massacre while writing this review.

 How can 3 sorority girls look so unsexy?

The 70's and 80's were a great time for slasher flicks. Somewhere towards the middle of the 1980's, though, the movies became lazy, repetitive, and cliched. Sorority House Massacre falls into all three of those descriptions as the story is too similar to Halloween. We've seen this type of movie many times before and when you don't do anything special to make it stand out, it's not going to end well. It takes too long to get to the slashing and there is a serious lack of blood and gore. There are no creative kills and a lack of suspense. The dream sequences were an attempt at creativity, but they failed to elicit any real depth or emotion. There is a good reason why the majority of people haven't seen or even heard of Sorority House Massacre.

3/10