Day 331: Wishmaster

Wishmaster

More like Pissmaster

What would you ask for if you were given three wishes? Besides infinity White Castle, I'd have to say I'm still mulling over my choices. Winning Mega Millions would be pretty nice also. But what if those wishes came with a price? The “evil genie” character appears more in literature than in the movies. Why is that? If anything, having a magical being in your movie allows for almost limitless potential. You can have all sorts of creatures and situations, giving you a freedom that many other horror movies would kill for. Of course, maybe the reason why there are more evil genie horror movies is because of Wishmaster.

Wishmaster is a 1997 supernatural horror movie from executive producer Wes Craven. The film stars Tammy Lauren (The Young And The Restless, Home Improvement) as appraiser Alexandra Amberson. In a prologue, we learn of creatures called the Djinn, creatures who lived in the void between worlds. When one wakes a djinn, they are granted three wishes. Once the third wish is granted, the djinn is freed. In 1127 AD Persia, a djinn (Andrew Divoff, Toy Soldiers, Air Force One) grants the wishes of the emperor, twisting his wishes into hideous monstrosities. The emperor's wizard traps the djinn inside a jewel which is then hidden inside a statue. In present day, collector Raymond Beaumont (Robert Englund, A Nightmare On Elm Street, Inkubus) is receiving the statue when a freak accident causes the statue to fall on his assistant (Ted Raimi, Midnight Meat Train, Spider-Man) and shatters. A worker steals the jewel containing the djinn and it ends up being appraised by Alexandra Amberson. She takes the jewel to her friend josh to analyze it and he unwittingly releases the djinn, who kills Josh by granting him a wish to “release his of his pain”. The djinn grows stronger by granting wishes and taking people's souls. Alexandra shares a connection with the djinn and is able to see his murders. He takes the form of a man, calling himself Nathaniel Demerest and continues his reign of terror until he finds Alexandra and forces her to ask for her three wishes. Will Alexandra be able to stop the all-powerful djinn and send him back to the void before he destroys the world?

"Somebody stop me!"

It's important to mention that Wishmaster is directed by Robert Krutzman, an award-winning make-up and effects artists. His work includes Cabin Fever, Vampires, Night Of The Creeps, and Army Of Darkness. That's an impressive group of movies without a doubt. The monsters and creatures in Wishmaster continue Krutzman's run of great makeup and traditional effects. There is a wide variety of creatures that keep the action interesting when the story fails to do so. One thing I found funny was that characters acted shocked when they saw the djinn's true form. Truthfully, he looked like Jim Carey from The Mask with a little more detail. Beyond the make-up, there is a myriad of special effects, some decent and some clearly steeped in mid-90's computerization.

Of course, the problem then lies with Krutzman's directing abilities and the story itself. The story is all over the place while still managing to go absolutely nowhere. The movie has a lot glaring plot holes that are hard to ignore. In the very beginning, we learn that there are more than one djinn. Shouldn't these things be popping up all over the place? And why can't they get someone to ask for three wishes? It shouldn't be that hard. Why did the djinn bother to take human form? It's not like he was having a problem getting people to wish for things before? The acting is absolutely horrendous and downright painful at times. Tammy Lauren is really miscast as she seems out of place in almost every scene. Andrew Divoff is hilariously over-the-top, practically gnawing on the scenery. It's nice to see Craven stalwarts like Robert Englund and Tony Todd in small roles, but if you're going to have them in your movie, give them more than just 2 or 3 scenes. For a horror movie, there is not a lot of atmosphere and almost no subtlety. 

"You love the 90's? No way! Me too!"

When I decided to watch Wishmaster, I was expecting something at least halfway decent. I knew there were a few sequels, so, like Hellraiser and Puppet Master, I figured the original movie would be great. How wrong I was. Other than some good make-up and a few scenes of violence, Wishmaster has very little going for it. The acting really stands out as being particularly horrendous. The story is pretty boring and the ending seems pretty obvious. I think I've decided on another wish; to erase watching Wishmaster from my memory.

2.5/10

Day 269: Killer Workout

Killer Workout 

All filler, no killer

Basing an entire horror movie around a fad is never a good idea. Would you really want to see a scary movie about ultimate Frisbee, the Atkins diet, or Pokemon cards? Passing fads are just that: passing. What may be “in” at the time will just look silly 5, 10, or 20 years later. Basing your movie on a trend forces the movie into a tight niche and limits possibilities. It does allow for creative violence, but that requires good writing and clever ideas. Who needs good writing when you have a slasher movie about aerobics?

Killer Workout (also know as Aerobicide) is a 1987 slasher horror movie starring Marcia Karr (Real Genius, Maniac Cop) as gym owner Rhonda Johnson. The movie begins with Valerie Johnson, a model about to break it big, who was horribly burned in a freak tanning bed accident. Two years later, Valerie's twin sister Rhonda is running a local gym where aerobics classes are all the craze. An unknown killer begins murdering gym goers with a large safety pin, leaving few clues behind. Detective Lieutenant Morgan (David James Campbell, Scarecrows) starts to follow the case, trying to find out who the killer is. At the same time, Chuck Dawson (Ted Prior, Surf Nazis Must Die, Born Killer) begins working at the gym, drawing the ire of muscle head co-worker, Jimmy (Fritz Matthews, Born Killer, Operation Warzone). The two come to blows with Chuck coming out the victor. The body count begins to rise as Det. Morgan (slowly) gets closer to uncovering who the killer is. Is it the new guy, Chuck? Is it the unhinged Jimmy? How does Rhonda's sister Valerie fit in to all of this and what is Rhonda hiding?

 SUGGESTIVE!!!!

I feel pretty silly criticizing a slasher movie set to aerobics music, but I'm going to do it anyway. Killer Workout actually came quite late to the slasher crazy which really began in the late 70's. In true slasher/exploitation form, we get lots of T & A thanks to multiple scenes of women during aerobics. There's enough pelvic thrusts and squats to make your own hips hurt. I lost count around the fifth time the movie felt the need to show us aerobic workouts. The movie also gives us loads of hilariously cheesy 80's workout music, complete with lyrics about pushing things to the limit, working hard, and other cliches. Admittedly, the music is kind of catchy, but for whatever reason, the music continues during scenes with dialogue. The version I watched was a poor VHS transfer to online, so the dialogue was hard enough to hear without the music blaring on top of it. There is a decent amount of violence and blood in the movie, but there is a serious lack of creative killing. You'd think setting a slasher film in a gym would allow for all sorts of violence with weights and machines, but sadly, that's not the case.

There really isn't much to Killer Workout's story beyond pretty women being killed. The choice of a large safety pin being used as the weapon is certainly, uh, unique to say the least. It's completely random other than to show the audience who the real killer is at the end. Why a safety pin? Your guess is as good as mine. The movie does have a twist, but it's not shocking since I didn't even know a twist was possible. I didn't even know Valerie and Rhonda were related until the reveal. Initially, I thought Valerie was just a random victim of the killer. They should have made the connection clearer in order to make the twist more interesting. Det. Morgan may be one of the most inept police officers in movie history. His detective skills move at a snail's pace and he's a complete asshole every time he's on the screen. It's a combination of bad writing and even worse acting. The inclusion of Chuck is rendered moot when he eventually disappears towards the end. The various fight scenes, including a drawn-out chase through an empty construction sight (yes, really) are all unintentionally hilarious and worthy of a Rifftrax/Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment.

Someone set her makeup applicator to "Homicidal Clown"

Whenever you focus a movie on a very specific trend, you're bound to look silly a few years later. Having a slasher movie based around aerobic workouts in the 1980's makes sense, but in 2012, it comes off as a novelty. It's like having a horror movie about Zoomba workouts. The movie has lots of suggestive dancing and clothes, but a relatively low amount of nudity. The acting is pretty bad and some of the characters are barely developed. The violence is decent, though the use of a big safety pin as the murder weapon still confounds me. Killer Workout is best seen with a group of friends who like to make jokes during movies. It still manages to be entertaining, but mostly for the wrong reasons. The horror isn't great, but Killer Workout is a fun little snapshot in time when spandex and big hair ruled.

3.5/10

Day 75: Nite Tales

Nite Tales

Nooooooo booooy!

I like movie anthologies. You get a few different stories all rolled into one. If you don't like the first movie, you can just skip over it and watch the rest. Sometimes you're lucky and get to enjoy a few good stories. Of course, you do run the risk of sitting through multiple movies that weren't good enough to be made into feature length films. And on that rare occasion, you have to sit through Flavor Flav prattling on about nothing. Welcome to Karma and Storm, two horror stories in Nite Tales.

Karma

Karma tells the story of 4 criminals that rob a small-town bank. One of the criminals is shot by a security guard and they high-tail it out of town. Out in the country, their car breaks down. The ringleader orders one of the thugs to kill the wounded criminal. They then travel to a house down the road in hopes that they can steal a truck. With no way to get inside the truck, they approach the house in hopes of finding car keys. They are let in by a strange old country man, who shares the house with his silent wife and mentally-handicapped brother. Each of the three criminals explore the house in search of keys, only to be knocked out by an unseen force. They awaken to find themselves being chained-up and tortured. The old man informs them that they do not like thieves and plan to eat plan to eat the thugs. He offers them a deal that will allow when of them to go free. Will they be able to decide or will they all become dinner?

Sorry, can't stay for dessert

Karma is a very basic story, one that I feel I've heard many times. The plot of black criminals terrorizing white people and then white people eating African-Americans in revenge makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. And why do they have to be criminals? If they were just 4 guys riding down a country road, the story would have been essentially the same. I couldn't understand exactly what the story tellers were going for. We're told these guys are killers and thieves, but their tortuous punishment makes us feel sympathetic. The acting is fine, although for whatever reason, this version was edited, so all the curse words were silenced. There were times where I could not even hear entire conversations because of all the silencing. There is a good effect on screen right before each person is knocked out, something I really haven't seen in too many movies, so that was a creative touch. Beyond that, Karma isn't anything special.

2.5/10

Storm

Storm is about 5 friends playing Bloody Mary on a stormy night. The ritual is interrupted by a knock at the door. They are shocked to see a clown standing outside. James the Clown (Tony Todd, Candyman, Final Destination) claims his car broke down and he just needs to use the phone. The kids are terrified because the clown is so odd and creepy and are relieved when a policeman shows up. Things are not what they seem and one by one, the young friends are brutally murdered. A game of whodunit begins, with each person being a suspect. Is this cop really a cop? Is The Clown actually an undercover police officer? Is Bloody Mary real and slitting people's throats?

Corpsey the Clown

Storm is a very confused and convoluted story full of plot holes. It's hard enough just looking past the fact that the “teenagers” look like they're in their late 20s. Then you throw in a story about a cop who's not really a cop and a clown that's really a cop with a side story of Bloody Mary. And if James is really a police officer, why was he acting so creepy to being with? Why bother having Bloody Mary at all when it's just pushed to the fringes of the story? And then why try to tie it to the first movie? It makes no sense. NO SENSE! Also, there was one scene where faucets are turning on by themselves. I could clearly see string pulling the lever. Helpful reminder, don't use black string. Tony Todd is awesome as the clown, but unfortunately even he couldn't save the muddled mess.

2/10

When I watched Nite Tales, I was hoping for something like Tales From The Hood; fun urban horror stories. I thought Flav might be funny as hyper Crypt Keeper-like MC, but he just rambles on about nothing. It's like they forgot to write him lines and just had him huff out of a mysterious paper bag before shoving him out in front of the camera.Unfortunately, I got a confused jumble of half-baked ideas with poor follow through. Throw in an unnecessary intro and outro by the ever-annoying Flavor Flav, and you've got yourself a disappointing movie.

4.5/10