Day 351: The Phantom Of The Opera

The Phantom Of The Opera

And next he'll be Tevye in "Fiddler On The Roof"

The it seems that every decade or so, there is a revival for The Phantom Of The Opera. It pops up in a new movie or a television show or the soundtrack to the Broadway musical is digitally remastered to 3.0 Dolby surround sound with special guest sousaphone player blah blah blah. I can't say I've ever been a fan of the 1910 story or the Andrew Lloyd Weber musical. I've only seen two musicals in my life and they were Les Miserables and Miss Saigon. Despite my lack of knowledge or feelings toward The Phantom Of The Opera, there is a large swath of people that absolutely love it. Many a Phantom poster has adorned the walls of teens and college students. I suppose the romance factor has a lot to do with it's popularity rather than the the main characters with the disfigured face. The 1925 silent film starring Lon Chaney is considered a true horror classic, but for today's review, I went with something a little different. Something a bit more 1980's. Something a bit more Robert Englund-y.

The Phantom Of The Opera is a 1989 adaptation of the 1910 story written by Gaston Leroux starring Robert Englund (A Nightmare On Elm Street, 2001 Maniacs) as The Phantom Of The Opera/Erik Destler and Jill Schoelen (The Stepfather, When A Stranger Calls Back) as Christine Day. In modern times (read: 1980s), Christine Day is an opera singer preparing for a big audition in New York City. Determined to get the role, Christine seeks out an old and unique piece to help her stand apart from the other singers. With the help from her friend Meg (Molly Shannon, Saturday Night Live, Night At The Roxbury), Christine discovers a piece entitled “Don Juan Triumphant” by an obscure composer named Erik Destler. They learn that Destler had committed a few murders and may have been responsible in the disappearance of a young opera singer. Alone in her apartment, Christine sings the song, causing blood to drip out of the paper, but it is just a hallucination. During her audition, a falling sandbag breaks a mirror and knocks her out and when she awakens, she is in London in 1881. She is now the understudy for a play, where the Phantom Erik Destler teaches her from the shadows. He encourages her to practice, saying that only she can sing the part of Margueritte in the play Faust. Through strange circumstances, Christine gets the role, which causes an uproar in the opera house. It is revealed that the Phantom, much like Faust, has sold his soul to the Devil, granting him the gift of creating beautiful music, but also a horribly disfigured face. Christine's performance is hailed and she celebrates with her fiancee Richard. The next day, her performance is given a poor review and the Phantom kills the reviewer. His obsession with Christine leads to more murders and shows that he has some supernatural abilities. With the murderous Phantom closing in on Christine, will she be able to survive and make it back to her own time?

Pimp Of The Opera

I don't often say this, but who exactly is the audience for this movie? The movie won't appeal to the fans of the Andrew Lloyd Weber musical because it is far too violent and gory. It doesn't really appeal to horror fans either since there are extended scenes of opera singing and general romance. Ultimately, we get a strange mash-up of a few different genres that never mesh well together. The story is pretty faithful to the original, but the plot goes way off through the addition of time travel weirdness. The whole time travel angle is nonsensical and unnecessary. I suppose they were going for an angle to separate the movie from other adaptations, but the modern scenes are so heavily steeped in the 1980s that it looks very dated today. There's no leg warmers or comically giant cell phones, but the clothes and items like synthesizers ooze 1980s grossness. The movie tends to get boring as it makes sure to check off all the important bits and pieces from the story. There's some action and suspense sprinkled throughout, but it's really nothing special.

So who is this movie good for? People with morbid curiosity, like me. I couldn't really believe that Mr. Freddy Krueger himself was in The Phantom Of The Opera. It should be no surprise that Robert Englund could pull off this role. Once could find similarities in the way Englund portrays the Phantom and Freddy, but there are some differences. His Phantom is far more driven and obsessed, lacking the bizarre charm of Freddy Kruger. The film takes a heavy turn towards horror towards the end, which, coincidentally, is the best part of the movie. The makeup used for the Phantom looks good, but it's hard not to compare it to Freddy. I didn't particularly care for Jill Schoelen performance as she seemed confused and out of place for about 90% of the movie. It was fun to see a young Molly Shannon, though, randomly showing up in an obscure horror movie. 

"Does anyone else smell hot dogs cooking?"

The Phantom Of The Opera is a well-known story and trying to add a modern horror twist to it just doesn't work. The whole time-traveling deal is not handled very well and makes me question why they even bothered doing it in the first place. The movie has trouble deciding who it wants to appeal to as we jump from romance, to action, to horror, to musical. Just about every fan of each genre will find things not to like in the movie. The large amount of gore and violence will turn a lot of Phantom fans off and the plodding romance theme will sure to bore horror fans. Robert Englund is very enjoyable, but I was annoyed by Jill Schoelen's lackluster performance. The only real reason to see The Phantom Of The Opera is just to satiate your curiosity. It's a strange idea and certainly very different, but not very good.

4/10

Day 335: A Nightmare On Elm Street

A Nightmare On Elm Street

I hope that's just sweat in the bed

When I was young, I was scared of Freddy Kruger. I mean, he's get the messed-up face, the glove with blades on the fingers, and a horrific cackle. What kid wouldn't be afraid of that? The Freddy Kruger character was revolutionary for horror films. Up until he came out, most slasher villains were unstoppable hulking monsters, hacking and slashing their way through a group of unsuspecting teens. Freddy is different, though, frequently speaking and even toying with his victims. He also went after people with a purpose rather than a random group of people. But what separated Freddy the most was how he killed you; in your dreams. I have previously reviewed the remake to A Nightmare On Elm Street, but I thought I should give the original it's due.

And give Johnny Depp's hair it's due too

A Nightmare On Elm Street is a 1984 slasher film written and directed by Wes Craven (Scream, Last House On The Left). The movie stars Robert Englund (Urban Legend, Wishmaster) as serial killer Freddy Krueger and Heather Langenkamp (Growing Pains, Just The Ten Of Us) as Nancy Thompson. Both Nancy and her friend Tina Gray (Amanda Wyss, Fast Times At Ridgemont High, Silverado) have intense nightmares about a man with razor-sharp knives on his hand chasing them. Tina even wakes up with slashes through her nightgown, but her mother blows it off as her having long fingernails. The next night, the girls go over to Nancy's boyfriend Glen's (Johnny Depp, Pirates Of The Caribbean, Edward Scissorhands) house. Tina's boyfriend Rod also shows up and they sleep together while Nancy and Glen sleep in separate rooms. Tina has another nightmare where she is once again stalked by the hideous figure. In her dream, he finally catches her while in reality, her body begins to levitate around the room and slam into the walls. She calls out the name “Freddy Krueger” before dying. Rod is the only person in the room when Tina is called, and is taken to jail for her murder. While at school, Nancy has another nightmare about the man who taunts her as he stalks. That night she asks Glen to stay awake while she sleeps just in case she looks like she's in trouble. Through her dream, Nancy sees the man go into Rod's jail cell and kill him, making it look like a suicide. Glenn falls asleep and Nancy is almost killed. Terrified of her dreams, Nancy goes to a sleep clinic to be evaluated. She has another dream of the man and is actually able to pull the fedora he wears out of her dream and into reality. Nancy's mother reveals that Freddy Krueger was a child murderer who escaped imprisonment due to a technicality. The enraged parents took the law into their own hands and killed Krueger by fire. Somehow, Krueger has risen from beyond the grave and is now killing the children of the town through their dreams. How will Nancy be able to stop something that isn't even real?

It's the Silly Puddy Killer!

A Nightmare On Elm Street is a special horror movie because it took a popular genre of horror and injected it with new life. It is something completely different from what had been done prior while still being true to the basic tenants of slashers. Like other slashers, the victims are helpless teens and two are killed after having sex. Typical slasher movie with an atypical twist. Rather than just having a faceless, speechless monster as the villain, A Nightmare On Elm Street employs Freddy Krueger. Krueger loves to speak, taunting his victims and playing with their minds. We also see his face for extended periods, something not too common in slashers, even if it is disfigured. Ultimately, the roll works because Robert Englund is just that good. He captures the sinister evil of the character while still showing a deranged flair for his “work”. Other slasher icons like Jason and Michael Myers kill because that is what they do. There is no real purpose, people just happen to get in their way. Freddy kills with a purpose, making the kids pay for the sins of their fathers, so to speak.

Paging Dr. Freud

The movie manages to blur the line between reality and dreams which make the shocks more shocking and the scares scarier. Craven does a good job of never allowing the audience to know just what is real and what is dream. The various kills in the movie are incredibly entertaining in their creativity and variation. With the large amount of violence comes an even larger amount of blood. One scene can accurately be described as a “blood geiser”. Craven captures both the violence and the horror very well, never shying away from either. Krueger is still scary before he became watered down in subsequent sequels, cracking wise and spouting bad puns. Heather Langenkamp is very good as a believable heroine. It's also fun to see a young Johnny Depp before he became life partners with Tim Burton.

"Gimme five!"

A Nightmare On Elm Street is highly imaginative and creative when slasher movies were just about out of gas. It's a smart horror film that doesn't require the audience do dumb themselves down in order to enjoy. There is a good amount of fear and suspense throughout the movie thanks to Craven's solid writing, good pacing, and competent direction. Robert Englund is fantastic as Freddy Krueger giving the character a sadistic glee to his murderous intent. There is a wide variety and creativity in the kills doled out by Krueger, keeping the movie from lapsing into a generic slasher. A Nightmare On Elm Street is well-made and incredibly fun. It's no wonder it's considered a classic.

9.5/10

Day 331: Wishmaster

Wishmaster

More like Pissmaster

What would you ask for if you were given three wishes? Besides infinity White Castle, I'd have to say I'm still mulling over my choices. Winning Mega Millions would be pretty nice also. But what if those wishes came with a price? The “evil genie” character appears more in literature than in the movies. Why is that? If anything, having a magical being in your movie allows for almost limitless potential. You can have all sorts of creatures and situations, giving you a freedom that many other horror movies would kill for. Of course, maybe the reason why there are more evil genie horror movies is because of Wishmaster.

Wishmaster is a 1997 supernatural horror movie from executive producer Wes Craven. The film stars Tammy Lauren (The Young And The Restless, Home Improvement) as appraiser Alexandra Amberson. In a prologue, we learn of creatures called the Djinn, creatures who lived in the void between worlds. When one wakes a djinn, they are granted three wishes. Once the third wish is granted, the djinn is freed. In 1127 AD Persia, a djinn (Andrew Divoff, Toy Soldiers, Air Force One) grants the wishes of the emperor, twisting his wishes into hideous monstrosities. The emperor's wizard traps the djinn inside a jewel which is then hidden inside a statue. In present day, collector Raymond Beaumont (Robert Englund, A Nightmare On Elm Street, Inkubus) is receiving the statue when a freak accident causes the statue to fall on his assistant (Ted Raimi, Midnight Meat Train, Spider-Man) and shatters. A worker steals the jewel containing the djinn and it ends up being appraised by Alexandra Amberson. She takes the jewel to her friend josh to analyze it and he unwittingly releases the djinn, who kills Josh by granting him a wish to “release his of his pain”. The djinn grows stronger by granting wishes and taking people's souls. Alexandra shares a connection with the djinn and is able to see his murders. He takes the form of a man, calling himself Nathaniel Demerest and continues his reign of terror until he finds Alexandra and forces her to ask for her three wishes. Will Alexandra be able to stop the all-powerful djinn and send him back to the void before he destroys the world?

"Somebody stop me!"

It's important to mention that Wishmaster is directed by Robert Krutzman, an award-winning make-up and effects artists. His work includes Cabin Fever, Vampires, Night Of The Creeps, and Army Of Darkness. That's an impressive group of movies without a doubt. The monsters and creatures in Wishmaster continue Krutzman's run of great makeup and traditional effects. There is a wide variety of creatures that keep the action interesting when the story fails to do so. One thing I found funny was that characters acted shocked when they saw the djinn's true form. Truthfully, he looked like Jim Carey from The Mask with a little more detail. Beyond the make-up, there is a myriad of special effects, some decent and some clearly steeped in mid-90's computerization.

Of course, the problem then lies with Krutzman's directing abilities and the story itself. The story is all over the place while still managing to go absolutely nowhere. The movie has a lot glaring plot holes that are hard to ignore. In the very beginning, we learn that there are more than one djinn. Shouldn't these things be popping up all over the place? And why can't they get someone to ask for three wishes? It shouldn't be that hard. Why did the djinn bother to take human form? It's not like he was having a problem getting people to wish for things before? The acting is absolutely horrendous and downright painful at times. Tammy Lauren is really miscast as she seems out of place in almost every scene. Andrew Divoff is hilariously over-the-top, practically gnawing on the scenery. It's nice to see Craven stalwarts like Robert Englund and Tony Todd in small roles, but if you're going to have them in your movie, give them more than just 2 or 3 scenes. For a horror movie, there is not a lot of atmosphere and almost no subtlety. 

"You love the 90's? No way! Me too!"

When I decided to watch Wishmaster, I was expecting something at least halfway decent. I knew there were a few sequels, so, like Hellraiser and Puppet Master, I figured the original movie would be great. How wrong I was. Other than some good make-up and a few scenes of violence, Wishmaster has very little going for it. The acting really stands out as being particularly horrendous. The story is pretty boring and the ending seems pretty obvious. I think I've decided on another wish; to erase watching Wishmaster from my memory.

2.5/10

Day 297: Urban Legend

Urban Legend

Stop me if you've heard this one before

We've all heard a few urban legends. There are classics like the guy waking up in a bathtub full of ice with his kidney missing. Then there's story of the escaped convict with a hook for a hand terrorizing a parked car in the woods. And who could forget the girl who said “Bloody Mary” while looking into a mirror. These stories have their variations, but the main points stay the same and get passed on from person to person, town to town. Everyone knows someone who knows someone that swears the story is true. Even to this day, I still check the back seat of my car to make sure there's no one back there. That's just being safe and totally not at all paranoid. Since these stories are widespread and well-known it seems like a no-brainer that they would be the basis for a teen slasher flick. That doesn't mean they'll be good, though.

Urban Legend is a 1998 slasher movie starring Alicia Witt (88 Minutes, Four Rooms) as Natalie Simon and Jared Leto (Panic Room, Requiem For A Dream) as Paul Gardner. The movie beings with a Pendleton University student named Michelle Mancini stopping at a gas station. The gas attendant (Brad Douriff, Child's Play, Deadwood) tells her that her credit card company is on the phone, but when she picks it up, no one is there and the attendant locks the door. Afraid, she breaks a window and drives away, unaware that the attendant was just trying to warn her that someone was hiding in her back seat. Michelle is then killed by the hooded figure in the car. At Pendleton, Natalie and her friend Brenda (Rebecca Gayheart, Jawbreaker, Scream 2) listen to their friend Parker (Michael Rosenbaum, Smallville, Batman Beyond) discuss various urban legends. Paul, the school reporter, laughs off Parker's stories. The girls, along with Parker and his friend Damon (Joshua Jackson, Dawson's Creek, The Mighty Ducks), attend a class on urban legends taught by Professor William Wexler (Robert Englund, Friday The 13^th, Inkubus). When Natalie hears of Michelle's death, she is shaken and Damon offers to take her to somewhere private so they can talk. When he exists the car, Damon is attacked by the same hooded figure who killed Michelle. When Natalie hears pounding on the hood of the car, she drives away, unaware that Damon is hanging from a tree. By driving away, she pulls the rope, which was connected to the car by the killer, thereby hoisting Damon high in the air. Soon, people close to Natalie start dying in mysterious ways, eerily similar to various urban legends. Who is behind the murders and what do they have to do with Natalie?

The pale and the restless

The mid to late 1990's were full of slasher flicks geared towards the younger crowd. The most obvious were Scream, I Know What You Did Last Summer, and Final Destination, with Urban Legend bringing up the rear. The movie feels like a patchwork of other teen slashers from the same time period and could easily be mistaken for one of them. Essentially, it's pretty white people with flawless skin being attacked by a hooded figure. Despite having a huge cast of popular actors at the time (seriously, we have Jared Leto, Joshua Jackson, Michael Rosenbaum, Rebecca Gayheart, and Tara Reid all in the same movie), the movie has little else going for it. The initial idea of having a series of murders based around various urban legends is fun, but only if you're reading a Batman comic book. It's the type of idea that a 14 year old would come up with and then promptly forget by the time something good comes on TV. Set in the real world, the idea is convoluted and unnecessary, especially when we find out why the killer is committing the murders. The rest of the story is a strictly by-the-book slasher fest, giving us plenty of forgettable characters just to kill them off. I will give the movie credit for cramming in a whole lot of urban legends, including some I had never heard before. Of course, by doing so, the movie felt crowded and rushed at times.

The movie isn't excruciatingly bad or anything, it's just not very good. It's certainly watchable and if you've never seen a slasher movie, you might actually enjoy it. It has the usual music swells and jump at you moments that we've come to expect. The acting is fine for what is required. Rebecca Gayheart puts in a scene-chewing performance worthy of Tommy Lee Jones in Batman Forever and I mean that in the best way possible. It's highly entertaining and it's a shame it only comes at the end. The movie also includes horror veterans Robert Englund and Brad Douriff (Chucky from Child's Play), but only uses them briefly. If you have two great horror actors in your movie, wouldn't you want to use them as much as possible? There is a decent amount of violence in the movie and some blood, but nothing too over-the-top or gory.

"Ah! That jacket is so out of style!"

Urban Legends is a boiler-plate slasher film with only a gimmick that separates it from similar films. Logic and reason is thrown out the window in an effort to include various means of killing people through urban legends. It keeps things interesting, but requires the audience to not think. The violence is decent and the acting is good enough to keep things moving. The soundtrack for the movie is probably the best part, including music from Stabbing Westward, Monster Magnet, Ministry, and Motorhead. There have been a few sequels, but apparently they are far worse than the original. If you're feeling nostalgic, Urban Legend is fun to watch while wearing Jncos and drinking a Surge cola. It's your standard slasher and there are far better ones out there.

4/10

Day 181: Inkubus

Inkubus

Spelling was always his worst subject

I don’t go to horror conventions. I have nothing against them, they just don’t appeal all that much to me. Buy some movies, get your picture with Kane Hodder, see some people dressed up as movie characters. There’s nothing wrong with that, I just have little desire to see trailers for upcoming movies or listen to a panel discussion from the crew working on Saw 19: This Time It’s Personal. Also, I don’t feel like driving long distances to be around sweaty nerds (love you guys, keep visiting the site!). Such wasn’t the case though, when the people involved with the Independent horror movie Inkubus came literally within walking distance of me to talk about the movie. Oh, and Robert Englund was going to be there. ROBERT ENGLUND! They played a trailer for the movie and answered questions from the group. To my disappointment, Mr. Englund could not make it, but his co-star William Forsythe was there and was kind enough to take a picture with me. It was time to finally see Inkubus.

Your favorite blogger with Mr. William Forsythe

Inkubus is a 2011 independent horror movie starring Joey Fatone (My Big Fat Greek Wedding, being in freaking N’SYNC) as Detective Tom Caretti, William Forsythe (Raising Arizona, The Rock) as retired Detective Gil Diamante, and Robert Englund (A Nightmare on Elm Street, 2001 Maniacs) as Inkubus. The movie is told mostly in flashback told by a committed Det. Caretti. A small crew is working the final shift in their closing police station in Wood Haven, Rhode Island when a young man arrives named Mikes, covered in the blood of his decapitated girlfriend. He claims to have seen a man covered in shadow in his room before blacking out. As Miles is being questioned, a man named Inkubus walks into the police station holding a woman’s severed head. He surrenders freely, making his phone call via magic to retired Detective Diamante, beckoning to come to the station so he could confess. Diamante was the closest to capturing Inkubus and was eventually committed after the murder of his wife and disappearance of his son. Inkubus reveals that he has committed numerous murders over the centuries and is closing in on being 100 years old. To continue his survival, he must be reborn in a new body. Using his powers, Inkubus begins to play mind games with the officers and killing them in brutal fashion. Will Diamante finally confront his demon and why is Officer Jen Cole, Caretti’s girlfriend, suddenly in such much pain?

Even evil demons need nap time

Independent horror movies are a real mixed bag. Usually low in budget and star power, indie horror has to rely on creative ideas, good storytelling, and innovative tricks to set themselves apart from bigger Hollywood productions. Inkubus is the exception to the rule because it has established actors involved. Robert Englund, one of the kings of horror, is great as Inkubus, relishing in the character’s evil malevolence. On paper, lines like “Abra-fucking-cadabra” and “Killing is magic” may seem clichéd, but uttered by Englund, it takes on a serious and sinister feel. William Forsythe is enjoyable as the broken and emotionally fragile Diamante. His soft demeanor creates an air of sympathy from the audience and really makes us want to see him defeat Inkubus. Joey Fatone is OK, it’s just hard to talk him seriously as an authority figure. The performances by the supporting cast range from passable to questionable.

The story itself has a few good moments, but overall, doesn’t feel particularly thrilling or interesting. It pretty much boils down to “evil supernatural being fucks with some cops.” There are a few good moments and a decent idea or two, but it just misses the mark in terms of being a complete movie. Making the story told in flashback by Joey Fatone while he’s in an insane asylum is clichéd and unnecessary. Adding this little bit is pointless and adds nothing to the movie other than seeing the guy from N’SYNC in a straight jacket in the world’s brightest white room. The movie tries to compensate with some questionable special effects and a surprising amount of blood and gore. I mean, one person’s spine gets ripped out. Spine. Gets. Ripped. Out. It’s unexpected to say the least and is unintentionally funny when you see Robert Englund just holding a spine in his hand. Another poor effect occurs when Officer Cole gives birth to a demon baby. It look so silly and the movie would have been better served implying the baby is a demon than showing a Cabbage Patch doll with horns covered in red food coloring. Sometimes less is more.

Inkubus has some good moments and lots of gorey violence, but it’s just not enough to get over a mediocre story that doesn’t really go anywhere. Robert Englund and William Forsythe put on strong performances and actually make the movie far more tolerable than it would have been if unknown actors had the lead roles. I liked that the film took place in Rhode Island, a state full of scary places and colonial history. As far as independent horror goes, Inkubus isn’t that bad. I have seen much, much worse. It’s heart was in the right place, it just needed a head to follow.

5.5/10 

Day 172: Masters of Horror: Dance Of The Dead

Masters of Horror: Dance Of The Dead

It's like the Electric Slide, but way worse

There are many reasons why we decide to watch a horror. Sometimes we like the story it's based off of, sometimes it's a certain director or actor involved, sometimes we like the genre. Whatever the reason, when our interest is peaked, we expect a certain level of quality in what we are about to watch. Those expectations may be too low and we are pleasantly surprised at discovering a new movie. There are other times, though, when your expectations are high and you end up crashing into a mountain of awfulness.

Masters of Horror: Dance Of The Dead is based off a story written by Richard Matheson (What Dreams May Come, I Am Legend) and adapted to the screen by his son Richard Christian Matheson. The movie stars Jessica Lowndes (90210, Kyle XY) as Peggy and Robert Englund (A Nightmare on Elm Street, Freddy vs. Jason) as The MC. In 2008, terrorists deployed a biological weapon called “Blizz,” instantly burning anyone caught in it's path. Ten years pass and the United States has fallen into disarray after World War III. Peggy works in her mother's diner and longs to explore the outside world. When she was younger, she saw people burned to death by Blizz while she, her sister, and mother reached safety. A group of bikers/drug addicts come into the diner one day and Peggy becomes infatuated with one named Jak (Jonathan Tucker, The Ruins, Pulse). Jak, along with his sketchy friend, Boxx, have shady dealings with people in the rundown town of Muskeet, including The MC who works at a club called The Doom Room. We even see them steal a person's blood right off the street. Seriously, we see them come up to an old woman on the street, put an IV in her arms, drain some blood, and run away. Jak returns and takes Peggy on a drug-fueled bender on their way to The Doom Room. Jak and Boxx meet backstage with the MC and give him the stolen blood. Afterwards, they all watch the performance on stage, a zombified woman due to Blizz being electrocuted in order to make her lurch and dance. The MC brings on the next “dancer” which turns out to be Peggy's lost sister, Anna. How did she come to be this way and why has Peggy's mother come to Muskeet?

Now working Bar Mitzvahs and funerals

Wow, this was painfully bad. While the story seems slightly interesting, I think something was really lost in translation from word to film. Richard Matheson is no slouch when it comes to writing good stories. I mean, he wrote the absolute classic Twilight Zone episode, “Nightmare At 20,000 Feet.” While this may have been at one point a good story, it isn't a good one now. The story is all over the place in a confusing and nonsensical mess. So some biological weapon named Blizz (Seriously? Blizz? That sounds like something Dairy Queen would sell) burns people who come in contact with it, but you're safe if you're inside? Seems like you'd do more damage with a bomb. Then they just skip ahead and society has totally crumbled, leading to people stealing blood in broad daylight. Really? REALLY?! I can't even figure out what the story is supposed to be? The horrors of nuclear war? The evils in society? Well, it's sure not about zombies, contrary to what they advertise.

There are two saving graces to Dance Of The Dead; Robert Englund and music by Billy Corgan. Robert Englund is his usual wonderful self, speaking with conviction and making every word matter. Corgan's music is somewhat pounding industrial, or more precisely, Hollywood's idea of insustrial. It is fun to listen to and sets a dark tone to the movie. One of the biggest problems for the movie are the characters and the actors portraying them. No one is likable in Dance Of The Dead. Peggy is far too naïve at the beginning, but easily slides into the world of drugs and debauchery as if she's slipping on an old pair of shoes. The love interest, Jak, is supposed to be some sort of sweet badboy that's still a drug using, blood-stealing scumfuck. I'm supposed to like this guy because I'm pretty sure I hate his guts. It doesn't help that the performances are mediocre at best.

Acting the fuck out of this scene

There are very few good things to say about Dance Of The Dead. The story is barely coherent with unlikable characters, weak acting, and predictable and downright stupid ending. There is very little in the way of action and entertainment. It's labeled as a zombie movie, but that just barely passes for truth. Robert Englund is as great as ever and the music by Billy Corgan is pretty good. Perhaps something was lost in the execution of this movie, but I really don't know why they made this into an episode of Masters of Horror. There are far better stories out there deserving of an episode. I was expecting a fun zombie movie starring Robert Englund. Instead, I got a boring story that goes nowhere with a small Robert Englund role. The movie has a lot of drug use and nudity, so it's definitely not for kids. Dance Of The Dead is not scary and it is not entertaining.

2/10

Day 136: Dead & Buried

Dead & Buried

Well, not completely buried if we're being honest

I got stuck out in a downpour for about 5 minutes yesterday and today my throat feels like it came in contact with Kim Kardashian. I don't get sick all winter and now this. Thankfully it's just a sore throat for now. I can't even remember the last time I was sick. But what is healthy and sick? What if I've been sick this entire time and never knew it? What if being sick is really being healthy and we're all just slowly dying by drinking orange juice and getting exercise?! OK, that's a bit too much even for a horror fan, but it is a nice segue to my review of Dead & Buried.

Dead & Buried is a 1981 horror movie starring James Farentino (The Final Countdown, Dynasty) as Sheriff Dan Gillis. Dan works for the small New England town of Potter's Bluff. The film begins with a young photographer visiting the local beach and meeting a beautiful young women who seems interested in him. It's all a ploy as a mob of townspeople captures the photographer, ties him up, and sets him on fire, all in broad daylight. A serious of strange murders committed by mobs of townspeople occur throughout town and Dan, tries to get to the bottom of it. He has frequent discussions with the eccentric local mortician, William Dobbs (Jack Albertson, Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory, The Poseidon Adventure). Dobbs describes what he does as art and speaks as if he is in love with his work. Dan also discovers that his wife has been studying black magic and voodoo, making him concerned for her well being and also raising the possibility that she is involved in the murders. She has also been spending time with Dobbs. The murders continue and it appears that people who have been killed are now turning up around town as very much alive. Dan's suspicion grows and he contacts the Providence, Rhode Island police department about Dobbs. It turns out Dobbs was the chief pathologist in Providence until being dismissed for conducting unauthorized autopsies and experiments on bodies from the county morgue. Has Dobbs found a way to bring back people from the dead and how will Dan stop him?

His hair was provided by a Ken doll

The story in this movie unfolds very much like an episode of the Twilight Zone or The Outer Limits. You have a general idea of where things are going, but are still surprised when they actually happen. The ending in particular has a twist fit for a Rod Serling narration. While the story is interesting, entertainment is where the movie becomes hit or miss. There is some action and a bit of mystery, but the pacing is really off in some parts, leading to boredom and stagnation. I was annoyed that the movie introduced characters just to kill them. I understand that they wanted to convey the killing of outsiders, but if we know that's why the mob will do, it's not shocking or surprising.

The mob killing remind me somewhat of The Wicker Man and they have a good amount of gleeful violence not particularly common in 1981 mainstream movies. The psychological chess match between Dan and Dobbs is interesting, but you never get the sense that Dan is actually going to outwit Dobbs. It doesn't really make for a gripping story when your main character can't go toe-to-toe with the villain. The acting is pretty good throughout with James Farentino and Jack Albertson playing their parts well. There's even a young Robert Englund in the movie with a small role. This took place a few years before his iconic turn as Freddy Kruger and was a nice surprise. The creepiness of the film lies in knowing who the killers are right from the beginning and then watching Dan get closer to the answer. It's also where annoyance towards the character comes in and you just want to shout at him for being such a shitty detective. 

Hey, Netface! Why are you stuck in a net, Netface?

Dead & Buried has it's creative moments and might be better suited as a short story or a television episode. I wouldn't mind seeing it remade with some modern techniques and a slicker production, maybe for a Masters of Horror type show. The movie does have a few jolts and a general creepiness, but it's not particularly scary. The conclusion of the movie ends on a Twilight Zone-style down note, which was fun, if not a little expected. The acting is good, but the pacing is off, causing for a sluggish watch. Dead & Buried isn't a must see movie, but you don't have to avoid it either.

5.5/10

Day 88: 2001 Maniacs

2001 Maniacs

And one for good luck

Sometimes you just can't resist the DVDcover. Just look at that picture. Robert Englund, dressed old-timey clothes, wearing a Confederate flag eye patch. The movie could have just been Robert Englund standing around dressed like that and I would have been entertained. What? I have to actually watch the movie? Pssh, fine. Whatever. I guess we can't just a book by it's cover and you can't just a movie by it's artwork, so I'll just have to continue with the review.

2001 Maniacs tells the story of six college kids, lead by Anderson Lee (Jay Gilespie, Hellraiser: Revelations) headed towards Daytona Beach for spring break. They get lost on the back-roads of Georgia and end up in the small town of Pleasant Valley. They are greeted by Mayor George W. Buckman (Robert Englund) and welcomed to the towns annual “Guts and Glory Jubilee” which honors the Civil War. The group is soon joined by travelers Malcolm and Leah. They all enjoy themselves at the jubilee and decide to stay. Not all is as nice as it seems. The travelers are killed off one by one in gruesome fashion. It turns out 2001 Confederate villagers were massacred 140 years ago in Pleasant Valley by Union soldiers. The spirits of the town's residents have vowed to not rest until 2001 Yankees have been killed. Will Anderson be able to survive or will the South rise again?

1...2...Mayor Buckman is coming for you...

2001 Maniacs is actually a remake of the 1964 film “Two Thousand Maniacs!” by Herschell Gordon Lewis. This movie is a bit of a mess. It can't decide if it wants to be a sadistic family muder-spree ala Texas Chainsaw Massacre or some demonic supernatural horror movie. We see one villager with some weird vein action and razor-sharp monster teeth, but no one else has that. Can they all do that and if they can, why don't we see it? The screenplay is all over the place and some of the dialogue is downright terrible. One character in particular named, and I am not making this up, Hucklebilly, is so incredibly annoying that I wanted to smash my laptop in order to make him go away. My apologies to the actor, Ryan Fleming, but his voice was like a pitchfork scraping on my brain. I only hope he was doing it for the movie and it isn't his real voice.

That being said, there were so good points to the movie with some portions being entertaining as hell. Unsurprisingly, Robert Englund is awesome. He's not quite as over-the-top as Freddy Krueger, but Mayor Buckman could be a Southern relative. Guiseppe Andrews (Cabin Fever, Detroit Rock City), who plays local Southern gentleman Harper Andrews also does a fantastic job of being both charming and creepy. The two town minstrels are quite funny as they go around singing what is happening throughout the movie. There is also a ton of blood and guts throughout the movie with some very violent death scenes. The final battle between Mayor Buckman and Harper is actually pretty entertaining, far better than what the rest of the movie put forth.

Georgia's state flag

2001 Maniacs is a mediocre story with a bad screenplay and lots of plot holes. It suffers from not knowing exactly what type of horror movie it wants to be. There are some genuinely funny moments, but plenty of eye-rolling as well. Robert Englund is his usual wonderful self and the movie is worth watching just for him. Beyond some bloody ultraviolence, I'm not really sure what else 2001 Maniacs has to offer.

5/10

Day 25: Black Swarm

Black Swarm

Riders on the swarm

I haven't reviewed a Creature-based horror movie yet and was having trouble deciding. There's movies about alligators, crocodiles, spiders, bears, sharks, snakes, frogs, and even worms. Why are there so many? Is it because they're easy to make? Anyway, I was due to watch a movie from this subgenre and I happened to that Black Swarm had Robert Englund starring in it. That's all I needed to know. Choice made.

Black Swarm stars Robert Englund (A Nightmare On Elm Street, Inkubus) as the secretive beekeeper Eli, Sebastien Roberts (Lucky Number Slevin) as exterminator Devin Hall, and Sarah Allen (Being Human, Dead Zone) as Deputy Sheriff Jane Kozik. Jane moves back to her old town of Black Stone with her daughter Kelsey. In town, Kelsey meets a strange beekeeper named Eli Giles. People in town are quickly dying do to massive wasp stings. Others in town start to act strangely, almost like they are possessed and turned into zombies. Joined by her ex love Devin, Jane must save her daughter from a crazed government entomologist, hoping to turn the genetically modified wasps into weapons. 

Welcome to Prime Time, bee-tch

This movie doesn't know what type of genre it wants to be. Its part horror, sci-fi, romance, thriller, suspense, and a whole bunch of other things. I appreciate the effort to make an actual story in comparison to some of the other creature features that get dumped to the $2.00 DVD bin at the local flea market. Unfortunately, the story bounces around so much that it loses focus. Why have people turn into zombies or “drones” as they're called to terrorize the town? It comes off as a cheap imitation of George Romero's The Crazies. If you want them to be the main danger, that's fine, but then don't have the wasps. Add a government conspiracy on top of this, and you're confused as to why wasps even get top billing as the main villain.

Robert Englund is great as always. He could read the menu at McDonald's and make it sound compelling. Everyone else does a fine job, though the daughter, like all children in horror movies, comes off as extremely annoying. Why is it that every kid in horror has to be irritating? It's like an unspoken requirement. Good special effects and makeup help put Black Swarm into a higher quality of creature feature than your typical animal movie. It thankfully does not have any of those blatantly fake computer-generated animals you see in other films.

I just wanted some honey! AAAAHHHHH!

Black Swarm has a bigger budget, good effects, and far better acting than the usual creature movies you might see on the SyFy channel. The story, while choppy and unfocused, at least tries to give some explanation to why things happen. It has some good ideas, but bounces around too much trying to cram everything in. Robert Englund is great, as usual, supported by an able cast. If you like to see Mr. Freddy Kruger in action, or just like insects, you might enjoy Black Swarm. If not, grab yourself a can of Raid.

5/10