Black Roses

Black Roses

Not to be confused with Guns n Roses, Black Veil Brides, or The Rosie Black Chronicles

Heavy metal is the Devil’s music, right? I mean, that’s why the world has been plunged into a thousand years of darkness ever since the release of Black Sabbath’s “Paranoid”. Oh, wait. That didn’t happen did it?

Every few years, groups of people with too much time on their hands get their dander up about the “evils of rock music”. The majority of people know this is ridiculous, but it certainly doesn’t help when a few goobers throw out a few lyrics from a metal band before committing heinous acts. No, a song isn’t going to flip a switch inside your brain commanding you to give your soul to the Dark One. But it’s not a bad idea for a movie.

Black Roses is a 1988 horror movie starring John Martin (General Hospital, One Life To Live) as high school English teacher Matthew Moorhouse. Black Roses, an up-and-coming heavy metal band, has decided to come to a small town to play 4 shows as a warm-up act before heading out on the road. Parents and school officials are both concerned with the lyrical content and the imagery put forth by the band’s music. While most of the adults want to shut down the shows, Mr. Moorhouse urges for the group to have an open mind. Students excitedly pack the auditorium to watch Black Roses and they adults sit in the back. One inoffensive power ballad later and the adults leave the show, safe in the knowledge that the band, while a bit too loud, is nothing to be afraid of. As soon as they leave, the concert kicks off in earnest with loads of sexual imagery and devilish music. The next day, Mr. Moorhouse reaches out to Black Roses lead singer Damian (Sal Vivano, The Jitters, Law & Order) who assures him that the band has no ill intentions towards the kids or the town. Even Mr. Moorhouse’s prize student Julie (Karen Planden in her only acting role of note) shows a marked change. Soon, the behavior (and clothing choices) of the high-schoolers begins to change. It is revealed that Black Roses are, in fact, demons corrupting young people with their music in an effort to turn them into fellow demons. Students start killing their parents and other adults in gruesome fashion. When Mr. Moorhouse confronts Julie about her change in behavior, she transforms into a hideous demon and tries to kill him. How will Mr. Moorhouse be able to stop Black Roses before it’s too late?

And what secrets does his mustache contain?

With an idea like this, there’s only two ways the movie could have gone: extremely serious or extremely goofy. The general concept isn’t bad and if done seriously, it at least had the potential to be a good horror movie. Of course, this was made in 1988, the same year that gave us tons of horror sequels like Friday the 13^th part VII, A Nightmare On Elm Street 4, Halloween 4, Hellraiser II, and Howling IV or lots of not-serious horror like Killer Klowns From Outer Space, Hobgoblins, Scarecrows, and Waxwork. For the most part, Black Roses is goofy. I say that because there are some scenes of violence in the movie that take an extremely dark turn compared to the tone of the rest of the film. A student shooting his father repeatedly in the head, another beating her perverted step-father to death, and Julie slitting someone’s throat are a stark departure from the lighthearted beginning of the movie. It kind of took the fun out of the movie’s initial camp. It’s hard to laugh when you’re cringing.

I said "No crusts"!

 So what makes Black Roses silly? Beyond the general tone of the movie, one has to look towards the flow and pacing of the movie as well as the continuity. The movie tends to slow down at various points just when you think it should be ramping up. Every time we get some action, the story veers off into different places, such as Mr. Moorhouse’s love life. Not enough time is really given to his personal life for us to care, so it’s just wasted minutes. I would have liked more attention spent on the band themselves. It would have been nice to have had a clearer motive for their actions or even some of a back-story. The movie just presents them as some sort of magical demons and that’s about it.

Danzig still looks pretty good for his age.

 When we are first introduced to Black Roses at the beginning of the movie, their demonic look is completely different from their look at the end of the movie. Why? I actually thought their original costumes, why obviously cheap masks, still looked good. Compare that to the embodiment of rubber bodysuit embarrassment we see at the end. That costume looks like it should be handing out overpriced rubbery pizzas at Chuck E. Cheese, not corrupting the innocent and turning them into monsters. In fact, I think he’s a little shorter than Mr. Moorhouse. Mr. Moorhouse should have just put his hand up, keeping the monster at bay while flinging it’s arms wildly.

Bring it on, short stack!

 When the movie first began, I thought the main character was a male student. About 20 minutes in, he is pretty much forgotten about as the focus shifts towards Mr. Moorhouse. I thought it was a bit odd that the hero of the movie was a teacher instead of one of the students. Wouldn’t it have been better and more cohesive to have a student save the day, resisting the pull of the evil metal music? It probably doesn’t help that some of the students are clearly in their late 20’s. But hey, we get famous metal drummer Carmine Appice (Ozzy Osbourne, Vanilla Fudge) in all his 80’s sleaziness as the band’s drummer. They get points for that at least. The acting throughout the movie is passable with no one being particularly bad or good. We do get a small scene with Vincent Pastore (Big Pussy from The Sopranos) as the father of one of the students. I’ll bet he doesn’t put Black Roses on too many resumes. In a bit of a funny coincidence, director John Fasano also directed Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare.

Whoops. Sorry, fellas. I’ll come back later.

 In a movie about heavy metal, how does the music hold up? It’s not bad actually, with real musicians such as Appice and Mark Free (King Kobra, Unruly) recording the songs. It’s your typical late 80’s mixture of rock and hair metal. Kind of catchy in that typical glittery cheesey 80’s way. The movie also features music from Lizzy Borden, Bang Tango, and Tempest. The sound track was released by Metal Blade, proud home of bands such as the Goo Goo Dolls, Viking, and Austrian Death Machine. Oh, and some other well-known metal bands too.

I’ll bet this demon was shoved into a lot of lockers as a teenager.

 Black Roses manages to have some fun moments, but doesn’t seem capable of pulling it together. The main message of the film does in fact seem to be that heavy metal is evil, though it’s not entirely clear given that the main character encourages people to have an open mind. The dark, intense nature of the movie’s violence takes away from the fun, leaving the movie in a weird sort of limbo between serious and silly. It also doesn’t help that the demons look like the leftovers from a Halloweentown store on November 1^st. The music is probably the best part thanks to the filmmakers wisely relying on established bands to provide it. While it’s not a particularly good movie, it can still be fun to laugh at with a group of friends.

4.5/10

Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare

Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare

This may or may not be the new Manowar album art

 
There is nothing inherently wrong with making a low-budget horror movie. There is something wrong with making a low-budget horror movie when the same person writes, produces, provides the music, and acts in the lead role.

Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare (originally titled The Edge of Hell) is a 1987 horror movie starring Jon Mikl Thor (Zombie Nightmare, 80’s metal band Thor) as John Triton, lead singer of the band Triton. Triton, along with their girlfriends and manager, have driven out to an isolated barn house to record new music. Unbeknownst to them, a family was mysteriously murdered several years before by an evil force. After a mediocre recording session, various monsters begin appearing in the house. One by one, the band becomes possessed by the evil presence and their personalities start to change. On the bright side, the band sounds better than ever. Unfortunately, the good times end as everyone in the house disappears, leaving John as the sole member still alive. The evil spirit finally reveals it’s true form, that of the Devil himself! How will John be able to defeat the Prince of Darkness?

And who knew the Devil was so adorable?

Calling Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare a vanity project for Jon Mikl Thor doesn’t do the term justice. He’s the writer, producer, and lead acting role. To the surprise of no one, Thor is not good at all three of these things. The movie cost a little over $50,000 to make, a paltry sum for a horror movie that includes multiple monsters. You may be surprised to find out that the movie took a week to film. If I had to guess, I would’ve said it took a solid afternoon.

In terms of acting, you have your standard c-level horror movie crappiness. The director purportedly hired some of his friends to act and I completely believe that. Lines are delivered poorly, usually with a lack of proper emotion or projection. I think Thor knew he wasn’t much of an actor, because despite being the hero of the movie, he actually isn’t in it all that much. There are times throughout the movie where the dialogue is drowned out by music.

This next one is called “Cocaine Titty Explosion”!

Speaking of music, Thor manages to cram in as much of his as possible. If we’re being honest, it’s not that bad. It straddles the line between hair metal and late 70’s cock rock. I’m not a fan of either genre, but the music manages to be tolerable, bordering on enjoyable at times. Probably because it distracts from the poor acting and lack of story. Beyond the metal music, Rock N Roll Nightmare also injects cheap Casio keyboard hits that would make Varg Vikernes nether regions tingle like the first time he read Mein Kampf. The cheap keyboard music pops up at random times throughout the movie and consistently made me laugh. Probably not what they were going for.

On top of all that, Thor is the main image on the poster. He beats out the Devil for top billing! He’s practically saying “Out of the way, Beezlebro, I gotta flex these pecs! You may bring the lightning, but I’ve got the thunder! Drink it in! UGGGHHHHH!” To be fair, when you’re a former bodybuilder that writes like Helen Keller after a night of heavy drinking, you might as well pose as much as possible. And pose he does. The final battle between John and the Devil is a chance for Thor to take off his shirt, put on some sort of chain-mail loincloth and do his best Mr. USA poses. Think I’m kidding? Look at this picture:

I call this look "Brown Steel"

With all of these things out of the way, what about the story? Well, there isn’t much story. There really isn’t much build or anticipation. Things just kind of happen and then we move on. The demons/monsters are Halloween store surplus. The Devil is downright adorable. And this guy? Subtlely was thrown out of the window into a dump truck filled with rat tracks. It’s literally a one-eyed penis-shaped monster. What else can you say? I mean, besides “What in the throbbing purple fuck?!”

Funny caption not necessary

 I won’t spoil the big twist, but it comes out of nowhere and makes very, very little sense. It actually causes more plotholes than fills them in. It does lead to one of the best fight scenes since Roddy Piper vs. Keith Davis in “They Live”. It’s less a find and more of a “John makes funny faces while holding the arms of the paper mache Devil. And it goes on for 10 minutes!

Oh sure, you love Slim Jims, but you don’t want to see what they’re made from.

Rock N Roll Nightmare is a funhouse mirror in Jon Mikl Thor’s world where he is the best at everything. Really, though, can you be annoyed by a movie this goofy and inept? Yeah, you can. With a group of friends Rock N Roll Nightmare can be a good time. It’s poorly acted, poorly written, and downright silly. It’s absolutely fun to laugh at and can be enjoyable if treated as such. But as a genuine horror movie? It’s woefully and hysterically bad. And may you be in Heaven half an hour before the Devil knows you’re flexing.

3.5/10

Hard Rock Zombies

Hard Rock Zombies

Rock and Roll will never die

Horror may be the only film genre where bad movies are just as beloved as the good ones. Oh sure, there’s a few terrible Sci-Fi movies out there that are loved (thanks to Mystery Science Theater 3000), but not on the same level as horror. Genres like romance, western, war, thriller and the like don’t have the same affinity for terrible movies. Why horror? I suppose if you like the genre, you already have a bit of a warped sense of humor as compared to the mainstream. Of course, it’s important to know the difference between “it’s so bad, it’s good” and “it’s so bad I want to pull my eyeballs out with an ice cream scoop”.

Hard Rock Zombies is a 1985 zombie movie E.J. Curse (Bones, Rules of Engagement) as Jessie, the lead singer of an up-and-coming hair metal band. The band travels to the small coastal town of Grand Guignol to play a concert for a record producer. Along the way, they pick up a beautiful hitchhiker named Elsa (Eyes of the Serpent, Molested) who invites them to stay at her family’s mansion. The family consists of Elsa, her elderly grandparents, her brother (it’s not clear), a groundskeeper, and two “little people”, one with an eye patch and one suffering some sort of unexplained deformity. Unbeknownst to the band, Elsa recently drowned two men while her family members watched with glee. While in town, the band’s antics, which includes skateboarding and miming (seriously), raises the ire of the locals. Enraged by these events, the town bans the band from playing. Meanwhile, Jessie starts to fall for a young girl of indeterminate age from town named Cassie (Jennifer Coe) who had originally warned him not to come to Grand Guignol. Instead of playing in town, the band performs at the mansion for the sadistic family. The band is electrocuted mid-set, but survives. Later that night, the family murders each member of the band, leaving only their manager alive who was in town trying to secure a venue for the band. When he returns, the grandfather reveals himself to actually be Hitler (yes, really) who is still bent on world destruction. Cassie resurrects the band, turning them into the living dead, who quickly gain revenge on the murderous Nazi family. Unfortunately, the family is also turned into zombies who begin to wreak havoc on the townspeople. How will the hard rock zombies be able to stop the zombie Nazis and what will happen when the record producer comes to see their show?

Y-M-C-BRAAAAAIIINNNNSSSSS!

Does that sound like a good movie to you? No. Of course not. Does it sound like a movie “so bad, it’s good”. Don’t say “yes” because it wasn’t. The entire film is a comedy of errors. From a technical standpoint, many scenes are too dark, the music is occasionally so loud that it drowns out dialogue, mics creep into shots, the inexplicable scenes of the band cavorting around town like extras from a Dexys Midnight Runners video and the even more inexplicable scenes of Elsa dancing. The exclamation point comes when writer/director Krishna Shah’s (American Drive-In, Shalimar) name is spelled incorrectly in the credits.

Yep. That’s a mic at the top of the frame.

Of course, the technical errors can’t even compare to this viral outbreak of story. I wasn’t trying to be lazy or vague in my rundown of the movie above. I genuinely couldn’t remember characters names or even the name of the band. It doesn’t really matter. It’s not like it had much of an impact on the story.

Not pictured: Story

Speaking of story, I have eight words: who, where, when, why, and what the fuck? With bad horror movies, you can usually see a kernel of a good idea hidden beneath the layers of garbage. I couldn’t find that kernel in Hard Rock Zombies. It’s as if someone had an idea board and threw three darts that happened to land on “zombies” “music” and “Hitler”. And to make things worse, all three of those things are executed poorly.
When the band becomes zombies, the do this herky-jerky walk-dance that looks like a cross between The Robot and rigor mortis setting in. And they can still do normal everyday things like drive and play their instruments. Sure. Why not? In terms of music, “hard rock” is a huge misnomer. The band’s songs are the musical equivalent of marshmallows. Yeah, it’s catchy, but so is the flu. And Hitler? This came from out of nowhere and managed to make a story about musician zombies even stupider. And why did he reveal himself? And what’s the deal with the deformed little person? And is Eva Braun a werewolf or does she just wear a werewolf mask? Nothing is particularly clear and just when you think things get weirder, things get weirder. All of this makes me want to curl up in a ball under the kitchen table, eating nothing but sugar packets until my arteries caramelize.

Sadly, the Hair Metal Helmet never took off.

One would think that the basis of the movie would be the band gaining revenge on the family. That makes sense, right? Well, making sense took a vacation with this movie. The family is killed in less than ten minutes of the bands’ demise. Why not have that be the rest of the film? Maybe you think I’m being too hard on this movie, but you didn’t have to sit through it. I’m definitely stupider for having done so. If it was supposed to be a straight horror film, it failed. If it was supposed to be a comedy film, it failed.

People that like this movie dress up their kids as Ash from Army of Darkness. People that like this movie then tweet those pictures to Bruce Campbell for his approval. People that like this movie see nothing wrong with the insanity of the “ghost rape” storyline in American Horror Story. People that like this movie invite dates over to watch Human Centipede. People that like this movie get hot dogs at the movie theater. People that like this movie use the bathroom stall next to you even though there’s a bunch open. People that like this movie own a “Keep Calm” shirt. People that like this movie take a full shopping cart to the self-checkout line. People that like this movie use Uber just because it’s raining. People that like this movie really want you to read Ron Paul’s books. People that like this movie get lunch from Dunkin Donuts every day.

(If any of that offended you, please leave lots of rage comments and post a link to this review everywhere. I get more views that way.)

 

“Ssssssssmmmoooookin!”

The story is bad, the acting is bad, the humor is bad, and the music is bad. What I’m really trying to say is that Hard Rock Zombies is bad and now I feel bad for having watched it. It’s not bad in a good way. It’s just plain bad.

Hard Rock Zombies is available in it’s entirety on Youtube (but you shouldn’t watch it).

1/10

Trick Or Treat

Trick Or Treat

Judging by the poster, I'll choose neither

High school is a hellish time for just about everyone. We’ve all had to deal with bad grades, homework, unrequited love, bullies, and the killer ghosts of satanic heavy metal icons. What, you didn’t have to deal with that last one?

I always cringe when I hear someone say that high school was the best time of their life. Really? Was it the delicious school lunches of cardboard and ketchup pizza? Was it being forced to sit through useless class after useless class being taught by someone who stopped caring 5 years before you were born? Those people peaked early. They’re the same goofs that wear their Varsity jackets and add current high schools on Facebook. More often than not, those people were also bullies. The point is, high school is no fun which is why it’s the basis for many horror movies. Just off the top of my head, I can think of Horror High, Carrie, The Craft, and Prom Night all revolving around high school. All three also involve revenge on bullies. Sounds like a theme, huh?

Trick or Treat is a 1986 supernatural horror movie starring Marc Price (Family Ties, The Rescue) as high-schooler Eddie Weinbauer. Eddie is an outcast in school and is consistently being tortured by bully Tim Hainey (Doug Savant, Melrose Place, 24). His one escape is through his love of heavy metal. Eddie consistently writes to his hero, Sammi Curr (Tony Fields, Across the Moon, Santa Barbara) his favorite musician who also went to the same high school as Eddie. Sammi is killed in a mysterious fire leaving Eddie completely devastated. He visits his friend Nuke (Gene Simmons from KISS), a DJ at the local radio station. To help Eddie deal with his grief, Nuke gives him the demo record of Curr’s unreleased last album “Songs In The Key Of Death”. Nuke also informs Eddie that he plans to play the album at midnight on Halloween. While listening to the album, Eddie has a strange vision of a building on fire and Sammi sitting in what appears to be some sort of satanic ritual. He then hears that the record is skipping and that hidden lyrics seem to be directly addressing him. Eddie begins to follow the instructions from the record, taking revenge on Tim. Standing up to his bully, Eddie is filled with a new confidence and begins a friendship with popular girl Leslie (Lisa Orgolini, Born To Ride, Satlin). As time goes on, Eddie realizes that Sammi Curr is actually speaking to him from beyond the grave via the record. Sammi’s evil plans are soon revealed and before Eddie can stop him, an electrical surge reincarnates Sammi, complete with electric powers. Will Eddie and Leslie be able to stop Sammi before his music is broadcast for the entire world to hear?

And what does his hand taste like?

On the surface, Trick Or Treat is a fun, if somewhat goofy horror movie. It initially hits on the misfit teenager being bullied and wanting revenge trope pretty well. Almost a little too well, in fact. Eddie’s humiliation and torture is so great that if you take out the movie’s camp and put in some ambient music, the first 20 minutes of the movie could be very depressing. Combine this with his airhead and mostly-absent mother, and this could easily be a movie about a school shooting in the right (or wrong) context. Of course, we can’t take out the camp because it really defines the rest of the movie. The special effects, though, are very cartoony. And when I say cartoony, I’m not being abstract. I mean they literally look like they are from a cartoon. The movie manages sprinkle in some legitimately funny humor, such as a student in a mascot costume being carried out of the school dance on a stretcher.

Whoa! Too close!

The acting and directing are both fine. Tony Fields was a Solid Gold dancer prior to acting and he sure gets plenty of chances to show off his moves. All that was missing was the bucket of water from Flashdance. There are some fun and creative kills to keep the audience entertained. The story starts to wear thin, though, towards the end. We get the natural progression of a bullied Eddie wanting revenge only to have remorse at his actions. But at the end, Tim is still a bully, trying to force himself on Leslie and even hitting her. So does that mean Eddie was right all along with his quest for revenge? Seems like a bad lesson. Eddie isn’t written as the best hero. Towards the end of the movie, he’s constantly telling Leslie to “stay here” or “wait here”. In fact, it’s Leslie and Eddie’s friend Roger that show more bravery than Eddie does.

The movie does have a fair amount of plot holes that tends to take away from the viewing experience. Why is Sammi chasing after Eddie now that he’s reincarnated? Ultimately, what difference does it make? It’s not like he needs him anymore. And how are they going to explain all of these supernatural deaths? There’s a scene where a band is about to play at the high school dance and Sammi reaches through an amp, kills the singer, and takes his place to perform the concert. This is all done in front of a room full of people and no one cares! I can suspend disbelief, but come on. It also doesn’t help when a microphone is clearly in the shot. Oops.

The mic is the least-awkward thing about this shot

Another bit of weirdness/creepiness revolves around a scene involving Tim’s girlfriend Gennie listening to a cassette copy of “Song In The Key Of Death”. Through the power of satanic magic (I guess) Sammi molests Gennie with a ghost-like animated hand. After disrobing, Gennie opens her eyes to see a giant green monster on top of her. What was the point of this scene? It was incredibly uncomfortable and wholly unnecessary. It didn’t add to the story and made the movie far darker than intended. On top of that, where did this monster version of Sammi come from and why didn’t we ever see it again? It was just so very strange and didn’t make much sense.

It’s nice to see Gene Simmons pull double duty.

When most movies try to address heavy metal, we get some sort of ham-fisted reference to a band or album, and nothing more. See the “No way! I love Pantera too!” conversation from Mighty Ducks 3 for an example. I’ll give Trick or Treat a lot of credit though because there is enough in this movie to make any metal fan happy. We have references to Judas Priest, Megadeth, Exciter, Lizzy Borden, Dee Snider, Anthrax, and Impaler. There is also a reference to the PMRC Senate hearings made famous by the spat between Dee Snider and Tipper Gore. Clearly, someone knew what they were doing when putting this together. Of course, the movie’s underlying message does seem to say that heavy metal is evil, so it’s really a toss-up if Trick or Treat is pro or anti-metal. Music for the movie is provided by Fastway, featuring “Fast” Eddie Clark, formerly of Motorhead and Pete Way, formerly of UFO.

The movie also has cameos by KISS’s Gene Simmons and Ozzy Osbourne as an anti-heavy metal evangelist Reverend Aaron Gilstrom. Despite what some posters and DVD covers might suggest, both rockers do not star in this movie. They just make brief, but fun cameos. Ozzy’s natural stammering makes his character seem more natural and believable. Just think of how many times you say “um” and “uh” in your daily life and then watch a movie. Doesn’t happen too often. Excluding Jeff Goldblum, of course.
Ultimately, Trick or Treat is a fun, if flawed, horror movie. It’s entertaining enough with some good action and subtle humor. It’s cheesy, but fun cheesy.I appreciated that the movie actually put effort into establishing that Eddie loved heavy metal. I also liked that Sammi once referred to Eddie as “false metal”. Apparently, Eddie was reincarnated as a Youtube commenter.

5.5/10

Day 361: Poltergeist

Poltergeist

"I love you, TV"

When we think of haunted house movies, we inevitably picture an old, gothic mansion harkening back to the Vincent Price days. There's usually an evil spirit involved making all sorts of scary sounds, but staying hidden for most if not all of the movie. They're all fairly standard affairs with just a few differences thrown in. Even most modern-day haunted house movies still revolve around the same basic haunting tenets. The ones that don't tend to veer off into the exorcism genre. The select few that take place in modern times, but blaze their own trail are far more interesting and entertaining, but also riskier. When you have Steven Spielberg writing and producing with Tobe Hooper directing, you're off to a good start.

Poltergeist is a 1982 horror movie starring Craig T. Nelson (Coach, The Incredibles) as Steven Freeling and JoBeth Williams (Baby M., Dutch) as his wife Diane. The Freelings live in the nice planned community of Cuesta Verde in California with their children Dana, Robbie, and Carol Anne (Heather O'Rourke). Steven is a successful realtor, selling houses in the community while Diane has her hands full with three very active children. One night, while everyone is asleep, Carol Anne wakes up and begins talking to the television which is only transmitting static. The same happens the next night and an apparition leaps from the television and vanishes through the wall behind her. Knowingly, Carol Anne states, “They're here.” Throughout the next day, strange paranormal events occur, such as a glass breaking and chairs in the kitchen inexplicably moving. That night, during an intense storm, an old tree comes to life and grabs Robbie through window. As Steven frees him, a portal opens in a closet and pulls in Carol Anne. With her physically missing, the family is able to hear her through their television calling for help. Steven reaches out to a group of parapsychologists at the local college who investigate the paranormal activity in hopes of finding Carol Anne. They discover that is not one ghost, but many ghosts in the house. Steven meets with his boss Lewis Teague (James Karen, The Return Of The Living Dead, Congo) who reveals that they are planning to build new houses on top of a cemetery. Teague reassures Steven that they will move the bodies down the road before construction. Dana and Robbie are sent away for their safety and Tangina Barrons (Zelda Rubinstein, Picket Fences, Teen Witch) a spiritual medium, is brought in to help rescue Carol Ann. She explains that the spirits in the house are not at rest and are attracted to Carol Anne because of her life force. This attraction is keeping the spirits from crossing over while a demon referred to as the “Beast” is keeping Carol Anne in order to manipulate the spirits. Will The Feelings be able to get their daughter back and what horrible secret does the house hide?

Are we sure she's not from the Village Of The Damned?

Poltergeist is certainly different from most other haunted house movies up to it's release. Gone is the musty and dark mansion with the eccentric owner. Instead we have a healthy and happy family living in a house that oozes 1980's in a cozy suburb. The inclusion of a cute and precocious little girl as the victim makes the horror much more real than, say, an older socialite trying to win money by staying at a haunted house. We see the family in their everyday lives, much like our own, and truly feel along with them when their daughter disappears. Director Tobe Hooper (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Salem's Lot) is no stranger to scares. The same could be said for Steven Spielberg, though the horror in Jaws and Duel are much more cerebral. Poltergeist gives us a few different things to scare us. The most memorable scene involves a creepy looking clown that comes to life and starts to choke Robbie while his mother is being dragged across the ceiling. I didn't quite understand the scene where the tree comes to life and grabs Robbie. No one else seemed to be concerned that a plant was suddenly moving around and stealing children. It really bothered me that it was never addressed or came up again. Some of the special effects are good for the time while others are embarrassingly cheesy by today's standards. Apparently, they used actual skeletons in the movie rather than plastic ones because it was cheaper. That raises so many questions that I don't even want to know the answers. The movie has occasionally great atmosphere, but it doesn't sustain throughout the entire film. This becomes evident towards the end when it appears to be a happy ending only for the movie to continue an extra 20 minutes with the best scares of the entire movie. They would have been better off switching things around instead of hurting the movie's horror momentum.

"Crap Yourself the Clown"

Despite having two young children in the film, Poltergeist manages to mostly avoid the “annoying child” trope that plagues so many horror movies. JoBeth Williams is great as the loving mother and Craig T. Nelson is solid as the distraught father. One small thing in the movie that I found funny was when he was reading a book in bed about Ronald Reagan. Craig T. Nelson is a staunch conservative and generally made an ass out of himself when on Glenn Beck's show, talking about no one helping him while he received food stamps. Zelda Rubinstein is also very good, exuding a loving confidence that one may not expect in a haunting movie, but will appreciate. Tobe Hooper gets some very good shots throughout the film and Spielberg's hands-on approach is evident. 

Shout! Shout! Shout at the Devil!

Poltergeist took the haunted house genre from the drab far-off mansions and stuck them right into suburban America. It was risky move, but for the most part, it paid off. We still see references to Poltergeist in pop culture today. Whether it's in South Park, the Scary Movie franchise, or The Simpsons, iconic lines and scenes always manage to spring up. It's even the subject of The Misfit's song "The Shining". The story in Poltergeist is decent, if a bit predictable. There are elements of tradition haunted house movies as well as some fresh takes. There are some good scares, but the movie's momentum is frequently cut off. What should have been a pulse-pounding thrill ride was instead a disjointed and occasionally jumping ghost movie. The movie has a lot of special effects, some very good and some laughably bad. The acting is good throughout and the direction is fairly solid. Some like to shower praise on Poltergeist, but I feel there were some things that could have and should have been better. Overall, it's a decent horror movie with some fun scares and good acting.

7/10

Day 353: The Howling

The Howling

My worst fear involves a locked room, Sarah Palin, and no ear plugs

Werewolf movies are all about confronting the beast within. It's man vs. nature at the most intimate level. As humans, we are taught to curb our basic animal instincts. Society frowns upon us swiping at the dominant male, fighting over carrion, and urinating on everything, despite what the subways in New York may smell like. It's this struggle that makes werewolf movies compelling. Will the character give in to his animal nature, killing and eating everything in it's path on will he be able to control the monster trying to get out? Of course, having lots of gory violence also helps make a werewolf movie fun. A balance is necessary between the emotional turmoil and the physical violence. Is it possible to have a good werewolf movie if you only have one and not the other?

The Howling is a 1981 werewolf movie based on the novel of the same name by Gary Brandner and directed by Joe Dante (Gremlins, Masters Of Horror: Homecoming). The movie stars Dee Wallace (E.T., The Hills Have Eyes) as Los Angeles television reporter Karen White. Karen is being harassed and stalked by a man named Eddie Quist (Robert Picardo, The Wonder Years, Wagons East) and cooperates with police in order to capture him. Eddie meets her in an adult video store movie booth and forces her to watch a video of a woman being raped. When she turns to look at him, Eddie begins to turn into some kind of monster before being gunned down by a police officer. Karen suffers from amnesia due to the traumatic event and has horrible recurring nightmares. At her therapist Dr. George Waggner's (Patrick Macnee, The Avengers, This Is Spinal Tap) suggestion, Karen and her husband Bill (Christopher Stone, Cujo, The New Lassie) go to a resort in the woods called “The Colony”. There are other people at The Colony who all suffer from various types of afflictions. A woman named Marsha (Elisabeth Brooks, Starsky and Hutch, The Rockford Files) is a nymphomaniac and tries to entice Bill. One night while in the woods, Bill is attacked and bitten by a wolf-like creature. Bill begins to change and eventually meets with Marsha in the woods where they both transform into werewolves and have sex. Karen is unaware of the extent to which Bill has changed, but is still scared of both him and The Colony and enlists the help of her friend Terri (Belinda Balaski, Gremlins, Small Soldiers) and her boyfriend Chris (Dennis Dugan, director of Happy Gilmore and Big Daddy). They discover that The Colony is actually a group of werewolves living amongst humans. Even more terrifying, Eddie Quist is actually alive and is part of The Colony. Will Terri and Chris be able to save Karen and expose The Colony for what it really is before it's too late?

Is that werewolf part Corgi?

Despite being based off the novel by Gary Brandner, The Howling makes a number of changes, both in story and in tone. The novel is far more serious while the movie takes on a self-aware semi-humorous tone. I say semi-humorous because there really aren't any “laugh out loud” moments in the movie. Director Joe Dante, known for his in-jokes and obscure references, fills the movie with all sorts of little jokes that the average viewer will miss. I mean, I've watched a year's worth of horror movies and missed a majority of them. There are references to wolves throughout the movie, such as 'Wolf Brand' chili and a cartoon of a wolf playing on the TV. More obscure, though, it the names of characters that are actually references to all sorts of other werewolf and horror movies. I honestly had no idea about any of this and only found out while researching the movie. Maybe some of the effort gone into making jokes should have gone into making a good movie. The Howling lacks any real emotion that one would find in a typical werewolf movie. We never really care about Karen as she is portrayed as a weak character right from the beginning. We don't really care about Bill since he's kind of a jerk anyway and turns into a werewolf fairly quickly. The movie takes a strange turn and makes Chris, Terri's boyfriend, the hero. Why make what is essentially a random guy the hero? It's a strange way of writing the story and leaves the audience without a strong connection to the characters.

While The Howling disappoints as a story, it does impress with it's special effects. There werewolves look very good thanks to state-of-the-art effects (at the time) which give extreme detail to the creatures. There is a great extended scene where Eddie transforms into a werewolf, rivaling the transformation in An American Werewolf In London. Of course, the transformation happens when Eddie has Terri cornered and it takes a good 3-4 minutes for the transformation to complete. What, Terri couldn't just walk out while he was busy? There is a decent amount of violence and blood, but not as much as one would expect. The movie is well-made and Joe Dante does a fine job of directing. The acting leaves a little bit to be desired, but it is fun to see someone like Slim Pickens with werewolf teeth. The ending had potential, but

Bark at the moon

I suppose I shouldn't take the movie so seriously (clearly the people involved didn't), but I just didn't find the movie all that humorous. Maybe it's because I'm seeing this 1981 movie in 2012, but a lot of the references were lost on me. When you take the humor out, you realize that there isn't much to the story. There's no real struggle between man (and woman) against his animal instincts and no emotion to make us really care. The movie manages to stave off a complete collapse thanks to good special effects, entertaining action, and solid horror. There are a few scares and decent atmosphere when the movie decides to actually be a horror film. While it's not the best werewolf film, The Howling does have some very good werewolf moments. It's still worth a watch, but temper your expectations.

6/10

Day 351: The Phantom Of The Opera

The Phantom Of The Opera

And next he'll be Tevye in "Fiddler On The Roof"

The it seems that every decade or so, there is a revival for The Phantom Of The Opera. It pops up in a new movie or a television show or the soundtrack to the Broadway musical is digitally remastered to 3.0 Dolby surround sound with special guest sousaphone player blah blah blah. I can't say I've ever been a fan of the 1910 story or the Andrew Lloyd Weber musical. I've only seen two musicals in my life and they were Les Miserables and Miss Saigon. Despite my lack of knowledge or feelings toward The Phantom Of The Opera, there is a large swath of people that absolutely love it. Many a Phantom poster has adorned the walls of teens and college students. I suppose the romance factor has a lot to do with it's popularity rather than the the main characters with the disfigured face. The 1925 silent film starring Lon Chaney is considered a true horror classic, but for today's review, I went with something a little different. Something a bit more 1980's. Something a bit more Robert Englund-y.

The Phantom Of The Opera is a 1989 adaptation of the 1910 story written by Gaston Leroux starring Robert Englund (A Nightmare On Elm Street, 2001 Maniacs) as The Phantom Of The Opera/Erik Destler and Jill Schoelen (The Stepfather, When A Stranger Calls Back) as Christine Day. In modern times (read: 1980s), Christine Day is an opera singer preparing for a big audition in New York City. Determined to get the role, Christine seeks out an old and unique piece to help her stand apart from the other singers. With the help from her friend Meg (Molly Shannon, Saturday Night Live, Night At The Roxbury), Christine discovers a piece entitled “Don Juan Triumphant” by an obscure composer named Erik Destler. They learn that Destler had committed a few murders and may have been responsible in the disappearance of a young opera singer. Alone in her apartment, Christine sings the song, causing blood to drip out of the paper, but it is just a hallucination. During her audition, a falling sandbag breaks a mirror and knocks her out and when she awakens, she is in London in 1881. She is now the understudy for a play, where the Phantom Erik Destler teaches her from the shadows. He encourages her to practice, saying that only she can sing the part of Margueritte in the play Faust. Through strange circumstances, Christine gets the role, which causes an uproar in the opera house. It is revealed that the Phantom, much like Faust, has sold his soul to the Devil, granting him the gift of creating beautiful music, but also a horribly disfigured face. Christine's performance is hailed and she celebrates with her fiancee Richard. The next day, her performance is given a poor review and the Phantom kills the reviewer. His obsession with Christine leads to more murders and shows that he has some supernatural abilities. With the murderous Phantom closing in on Christine, will she be able to survive and make it back to her own time?

Pimp Of The Opera

I don't often say this, but who exactly is the audience for this movie? The movie won't appeal to the fans of the Andrew Lloyd Weber musical because it is far too violent and gory. It doesn't really appeal to horror fans either since there are extended scenes of opera singing and general romance. Ultimately, we get a strange mash-up of a few different genres that never mesh well together. The story is pretty faithful to the original, but the plot goes way off through the addition of time travel weirdness. The whole time travel angle is nonsensical and unnecessary. I suppose they were going for an angle to separate the movie from other adaptations, but the modern scenes are so heavily steeped in the 1980s that it looks very dated today. There's no leg warmers or comically giant cell phones, but the clothes and items like synthesizers ooze 1980s grossness. The movie tends to get boring as it makes sure to check off all the important bits and pieces from the story. There's some action and suspense sprinkled throughout, but it's really nothing special.

So who is this movie good for? People with morbid curiosity, like me. I couldn't really believe that Mr. Freddy Krueger himself was in The Phantom Of The Opera. It should be no surprise that Robert Englund could pull off this role. Once could find similarities in the way Englund portrays the Phantom and Freddy, but there are some differences. His Phantom is far more driven and obsessed, lacking the bizarre charm of Freddy Kruger. The film takes a heavy turn towards horror towards the end, which, coincidentally, is the best part of the movie. The makeup used for the Phantom looks good, but it's hard not to compare it to Freddy. I didn't particularly care for Jill Schoelen performance as she seemed confused and out of place for about 90% of the movie. It was fun to see a young Molly Shannon, though, randomly showing up in an obscure horror movie. 

"Does anyone else smell hot dogs cooking?"

The Phantom Of The Opera is a well-known story and trying to add a modern horror twist to it just doesn't work. The whole time-traveling deal is not handled very well and makes me question why they even bothered doing it in the first place. The movie has trouble deciding who it wants to appeal to as we jump from romance, to action, to horror, to musical. Just about every fan of each genre will find things not to like in the movie. The large amount of gore and violence will turn a lot of Phantom fans off and the plodding romance theme will sure to bore horror fans. Robert Englund is very enjoyable, but I was annoyed by Jill Schoelen's lackluster performance. The only real reason to see The Phantom Of The Opera is just to satiate your curiosity. It's a strange idea and certainly very different, but not very good.

4/10

Day 348: Scanners

Scanners

Too spicy?

I don't really believe in telekinesis or telepathic abilities. I'm sure some people use their brains more than others (The North vs The South for example), but I don't think someone can burst into flames via thought power. And would it really be fun to hear people's thoughts? I can barely tolerate what they actually say. While in real life these abilities may not be all they're cracked up to be, in horror they serve as a good plot point. It can create interesting and terrifying stories or just create some fun action sequences. And if David Cronenberg at the helm, you know you're in for a wild ride.

Scanners is a 1981 science fiction horror movie written and directed by David Cronenberg (Videodrome, The Brood). The movie stars Stephen Lack (Dead Ringers, Head On) as Cameron Vale and Michael Ironside (Total Recall, Starship Troopers) as Darryl Revok. Over 200 people in the world are known to be Scanners, humans with the ability to read (scan) minds through telepathy and cause physical harm through telekinesis. ConSec, a corporation that specializes in weapons and security systems, searchers out these scanners in hopes of protecting them. Scanners tend to not understand their abilities and are usually committed to mental hospitals because they “hear voices”. Cameron Vale is a powerful vagrant Scanner who is brought in to ConSec and trained by Dr. Paul Ruth (Patrick McGoohan, Braveheart, Escape From Alcatraz). During a conference, ConSec has one of their own Scanners scan a volunteer from the audience. The volunteer is actually Darryl Revok, an incredibly powerful Scanner, who uses his powerful to make the other Scanner's head literally explode. He escapes capture, killing several ConSec security agents in the process. Following the incident, Bradeon Keller (Lawrence Dane, Bride Of Chucky, Side Effects) is brought in as the new head of security. He and Ruth decide to have Cameron infiltrate the Scanner community and route out Revock before he can do any more damage. Ruth tells Cameron that there is a drug called ephemerol that can suppress a Scanner's abilities long enough to be captured. Cameron eventually finds a telepathic named Kim Obrist (Jennifer O'Neill, Rio Lobo, A Force Of One) who has brought together a group of Scanners. They are attacked by Revok's assassins and have to go on the run. They learn that a large shipment of ephemerol is being delivered to Revok. What does Revok have planned with the ephemerol and how will Cameron stop the most powerful Scanner on Earth?

Feelin' hot, hot, hot!

“Ever see that scene in Scanners when that dude's head blew up?” That line is from Wayne's World when Garth is stuck doing the show by himself. As a little kid, I didn't fully understand the joke, but I found it funny anyway. Now, after finally seeing Scanners, that line is even funnier. The scene is quite surprising (despite being one of the most widely used .GIFs on the internet). We're not quite sure what is about to happen and it's sheer brutal violence and gore is almost unparallelled. David Cronenberg is known for his graphic special effects and “body horror”, but Scanners is relatively tame compared to some of his other work like The Brood and The Fly. Most of the body horror doesn't come until the final showdown between Cameron and Revok. It's quite an impressive scene, full of suspense, action, insane violence, and great prosthetic work. The science fiction aspect of Scanners is fairly engaging, even for people that don't consider themselves to be fans of the genre.

While the opening twenty minutes and the final ten and full of excitement and bizarre horror, the movie does get slow in the middle. Rather than focusing on horror or even science fiction, the movie becomes more of a mystery as Cameron tries to find out what is going on. It's somewhat interesting, but compared to the opening, it's downright mundane. If Cronenberg had focused just on the horror, Scanners would have been utterly terrifying. I mean, there are a select number of people so powerful that they can physically throw people across a room just by using their mind. Why bother with a mediocre mystery that doesn't get solved until the final scenes? Michael Ironside is a great villain as always and I would have liked for him to have more screen time. Stephen Lack is decent as the main hero, though there was something about him that I just didn't care for. Maybe it was because he went from being a derelict to a fully-skilled Scanner in the span of about fifteen minutes. Or maybe he just has a really punchable face.

R.I.P. Mr. Watermelonhead

Scanners is a decent science fiction horror movie with a few really great scenes. While there isn't as much body horror as one would expect from a Cronenberg film, we still get some disturbing images and incredible violence. The film had a hectic schedule and Cronenberg said that it was a nightmare to make. The beginning and ending are highly entertaining, but the movie becomes too much of a mystery while pushing horror to the side. The movie had a lot of potential, but it just didn't reach the level of greatness that it could have. Regardless, it's still a fun watch if for nothing more than heads exploding and veins leaking.

7.5/10

Day 341: The Shining

The Shining

Heeeeere's Shiny!

Stanley Kubrick is a director in his own category. His attention to every single minute detail is legendary. For Dr. Strangelove, Kubrick insisted on a large table in the war room be covered in green baize, despite the fact that the movie was in black and white. Malcolm Mcdowell was permanently injured from his iconic “eye” scene in A Clockwork Orange. Many people over the course of many of his films have said that Kubrick was incredibly difficult to work with and impossible to please. All of this because Kubrick had a vision for his art. Sometimes it was for the best and sometimes it was for the worst. When you combine Stephen King and Stanley Kubrick, you're bound to get something amazing.

The Shining is a 1980 horror movie adapted from the novel of the same name by Stephen King. The movie stars Jack Nicholson (Batman, One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest) as writer Jack Torrance and Shelley Duvall (Popeye, 3 Women) as his wife Wendy. They have a young son named Danny, whom they refer to as Doc. Danny has an imaginary friend named Tony that occasionally speaks for Danny. Jack is hired as the winter caretaker of the Overlook Hotel, a grand and glorious lodging in the secluded Rocky Mountains in Colorado. The job seems fairly easily, but the owner warns Jack that isolation and cabin fever can wear on people. He also tells Jack about a former caretaker, Charles Grady, went mad during the winter of 1970 and brutally murdered his two daughters and wife before killing himself. Undisturbed by this news, Jack moves his family to the hotel for the winter. During the tour, they meet chef Dick Halloran (Scatman Crothers, Twilight Zone: The Movie, the voice of Hong Kong Phoey) who befriends Danny. He calls him “Doc” even though he never hears Wendy call him by that name. Dick than shocks Danny by offering him ice cream telepathically. He explains that, as a child, Dick and his grandmother shared telepathic abilities that they referred to as “shining”. Other people, like Danny, have that ability and even the hotel “shines”. Danny then asks Dick if he is afraid of the hotel, specifically Room 237. He warns Danny to stay away from that room. A month passes and Jack's writing has gone nowhere. He begins a slow descent into madness, wandering around the hotel until he comes to the Gold Room and sits at the bar. There he meets a ghostly bartender named Lloyd (Joe Turkel, Blade Runner, The Killing) who serves Jack and listens to him complain about his marriage. Later, a frightened Wendy finds Jack at the bar telling him that there is a crazy woman in the hotel who tried to strangle Danny. Annoyed, Jack investigates and finds Room 237 open. He finds a beautiful naked woman in the bathroom and begins to kiss her only to be horrified when she turns into a decrepit old woman. When Wendy tells Jack that she wants to take Danny away, he becomes enraged and returns to the Gold Room. It's now filled with guests and Jack meets the previous caretaker Delbert Grady (Phillip Stone, A Clockwork Orange, Thuderball). Grady informs Jack that he must “correct” his wife and son, much like how he “corrected” his own wife and daughters. He also ominously tells Jack “You've always been the caretaker. I should know sir. I've always been here.” In Florida, Dick has a “shine” from Danny that he is in trouble and travels back to Colorado. Danny, now in a strange trance, begins to refer to himself as Tony and shouts “Redrum” over and over. With Jack's violent descent into madness now complete, will Dick be able to get to the hotel in time to save Wendy and Danny?

Or maybe Mark Mcgwire will show up and hit some dingers

Kubrick's movies are always intense and The Shining is no different. While he may not have made many horror movies, just about every one of his film's can be considered haunting. The Shining is an intense, engrossing horror film that completely envelopes the audience. The horror really comes in two forms: the isolation and Jack Nicholson. The movie is over 2 hours long, requiring the audience to become completely invested in the story. It makes us feel restless and uncomfortable, mimicking Jack's own cabin fever. I don't doubt that the movies length was a conscience decision by Kubrick. Stephen King himself said he did not like the adaptation as it took away a lot of the book's supernatural elements. He also did like the choice of Jack Nicholson, seeing as how he recently won the Academy Award for One Flew Over The Cuckoo's nest, his descent into madness was too obvious. The majority of people don't like to be alone for too long and, despite sitting in a movie theater or at home, The Shining makes you feel alone. There are also the standard horror scares thanks to Jack Nicholson's iconic performance. No one does “crazy” better than he does. Shelley Duvall's gaunt look and general mousiness can be see as an avatar for the audience's own fears and helplessness. Scatman Crothers is good as the sort-of hero despite not having a very big role.

The movie is very stylish thanks to the beautiful scenery and Kubrick's keen directorial eye. The Shining was one of the first movies to use a Stedicam. This allowed the movie long, steady shots such as following Danny on his tricycle rides through the hotel. The classic chase through the snow-covered hedge-maze was made possible thanks to the Stedicam as well. As with a lot of Kubrick's work, there are countless theories about what actually happens in the movie. I have read a few ranging from the possible (the movie is about Native American spirits) to the “huh?” (the movie is about the Holocaust). One could take the movie at face value, about a man going insane and attacking his family. Though muted, there is still a supernatural element, so perhaps it was evil spirits that caused Jack Torrance to lose his mind. Maybe he was a reincarnation of an older caretaker and given a second chance to make things right. I don't know if there's a right answer and I'll leave it up to you to decide what you think happens.

"I've always worn this sweater. ALWAYS."

The Shining is an intense watch from beginning to end. It's very long run time and bizarre events may be a bit difficult for some to endure, but it's worth the effort. The movie has a great performance from Jack Nicholson and Stanley Kubrick shines (pun intended) as the director. The movie looks beautiful and is full of iconic scenes. There are some good scares and plenty of memorable lines. Though the movie does differ from the novel and left writer Stephen King unhappy, the movie is still highly enjoyable. Take time out of your busy schedule because The Shining deserves your full attention.

9.5/10

Day 340: The Lost Boys

The Lost Boys

Not pictured: Starter jackets, LA Gear sneakers, and Jersey hair

Teen vampire movies weren't always relegated to crappy romance novel adaptations where people swoon over brooding bloodsuckers that sparkle in the sunlight and have strong religious overtones. In fact, the 1980's were full of vampire movies. We had Fright Night, the Jim Carey-starring Once Bitten, My Best Friend Is A Vampire, Lifeforce, and Near Dark. These weren't just one-note vampire movies either. Some were comedies, some were action/adventures, some were straight horror. There was one vampire movie from the 80's, though, that manage to touch on many different genres while encapsulating the very essence of the 1980's. That movie is The Lost Boys.

The Lost Boys is a 1987 teen vampire movie starring Corey Haim (License To Drive, Lucas) as Sam Emerson and Jason Patric (Sleepers, Narc) as his older brother Michael. Along with their mother Lucy (Dianne Wiest, Edward Scissorhands, Bullets Over Broadway), the boys move to Santa Clara, the supposed murder capital of the world, to live with their grandfather. Michael and Sam hang out on the boardwalk when Michael spots a beautiful girl named Star (Jami Gertz, Less Than Zero, Sixteen Candles) and pursues her. She runs with a gang lead by the mysterious vampire David (Kiefer Sutherland, 24, Mirrors). Wanting to stay with Star, Michael goes along with David as the gang initiates him through various dares and challengers. Michael drinks from a bottle containing blood, thus beginning his transformation. Meanwhile, Sam visits a comic book store where he meets Edgar Frog (Corey Feldman, The Goonies, Stand By Me) and his brother Alan (Jamison Newlander, The Blob, Lost Boys: The Tribe). They insist that Sam read a comic called “Vampires Everywhere!”, warning him that it could save his life. The next day, Michael develops a thirst for blood and is sensitive to sunlight. He is even attacked by Sam's normally docile dog Nanook. After retreating to his room, Michael begins to levitate and fly against his will, terrifying Sam and prompting Lucy to come home from her date with Max (Edward Herrmann, Gilmore Girls, The Aviator). Sam discovers that his brother is only half-vampire and his humanity could still be restored by killing the head vampire. Sam and the Frog brothers believe that Max is the head vampire and put him through various tests made to look like accidents. He passes them though, leaving the boys without a clue as to who the head vampire may be. After an incident where the vampires kill some surfers, Star visits Michael, revealing that she too is half-vampire and that she wants to be cured as well. They all travel to the vampire's hideout and stake one vampire (Alex Winters, Bill from Bill & Ted's Excellent Journey) but must flee when the rest wake up. That night, the teens arm themselves with weapons to fight against the vampires. Who is the head vampire and will Sam be able to free his brother before it is too late?

"What? I can't hear you over that hideous shirt!"

If aliens ever came to our planet and wanted to know what the 1980's were all about, you'd show them The Lost Boys (or maybe Mannequin if you were feeling mean). The culture, the clothes, the mullets, the music. All that was really missing was Hulk Hogan and some power suits with shoulder pads. It's all so very 80's and I mean that in a good way. While the movie is geared towards teens and horror fans, the story is quite entertaining. It mixes action, adventure, teen angst, and comedy without ever really losing it's horror edge. Granted, it's still teen-friendly, but that's just a movie knowing it's audience. The movie focuses on both Michael and Sam, giving the movie a wider range of teen and young adult fans. There are some scares and some blood, but not enough to keep the average non-horror fan away. The humor isn't overpowering, but it lightens the mood when necessary.

The movie's visual style is quite striking with beautiful sweeping shots of the ocean combined with a soaring musical score. The Lost Boys proves that Joel Schumacher, the man who directed such stinkers as The Number 23, Batman Forever, and Batman & Robin) can actually direct. The action is decent and thanks to some prosthetics and color contacts, the vampires don't look half bad. The movie is helped greatly by the good performances from Kiefer Sutherland, Jason Patric and the two Coreys. While most modern audiences are used to the badass Jack Bower Kiefer Sutherland, it's nice to see him play a villain so well. He plays the vampire David with a sly, dangerous edge, like he's the cool older kid in high school that wears a leather jacket and hangs outside during lunch. Corey Haim is good as the younger brother, serving as a solid avatar for the audience. The ending is a bit of a blow-off, but in that special 80's way where everything is perfectly fine.

We call that "Cold Toilet" face

The Lost Boys has found a wide audience and thanks to a high nostalgia factor, two sequels have come out in recent years. It's one of the quintessential teenage movies from the 80's along with The Breakfast Club and Ferris Bueller's Day Off. It's a fun little story that combines a lot of different genres with relatable teenage angst. The undercurrent story of teens moving to a new place, falling into the wrong crowd, and their mother dating is all a clever parallel to the problems that many in the audience face. The movie has some good action, but it may not be enough for true horror fans. The acting is good and it's fun to see all the wonderful things from the 1980's. Whether you're feeling nostalgic or just need a fun, relatively harmless horror movie, The Lost Boys is worth the watch.

8/10