Day 299: Stake Land

Stake Land

Hamburger Town

The zombie apocalypse vein of horror stories has become well-worn in recent years. Thanks to the popularity of Left 4 Dead, 28 Days Later and The Walking Dead, just about everyone knows what a zombie outbreak would look like. As much as I love the genre, it's been done to death. It's in television, movies, books, video games, and even on t-shirts. This poses the problem for writers and filmmakers. How do we have a zombie apocalypse without being a zombie apocalypse? Take out the zombies and put in vampires! Problem solved!

Stake Land is a 2010 vampire movie starring Nick Damici (Mulberry St, World Trade Center) as the enigmatic Mister and Connor Paolo (Gossip Girl, Revenge) as Martin. A wave of vampires has spread across the world as humans try to save themselves. The government has fallen and only small towns remain. A young man named Martin is saved by the vampire hunter Mister after a vampire kills his family. Mister trains Martin to kill vampires, explaining that guns hurt them, but stakes to the heart kill them. They travel through America's heartland on the way to the supposed safe-haven of New Eden in Canada. The visit small towns where people are still trying to live their lives amidst the carnage. One day, a nun runs in front of their car, pursued by two men in robes. Mister kills the two men and the nun, only known as Sister (Kelly McGillis, Top Gun, The Innkeepers), joins Mister and Martin on their journey. They stop in one seemingly-abandoned town only to be captured by members of The Brotherhood, a Christian cult, that has been taking over the country through violence. Their leader, Jebedia Loven (Michael Cerveris, The Vampire's Assistant, Fringe), reveals that one of the men that Mister had killed was his son. Mister is left in front of vampires in the woods while Martin and Sister are taken back to camp. Loven allows Martin to leave, who manages to find Mister still alive. They continue to make their way when they pick up another traveler, a pregnant girl named Belle (Danielle Harris, Halloween II, Left For Dead) and a marine named Willie (Sean Nelson, The Freebie, The Wood). They return to where The Brotherhood was camped and Mister leaves Loven to be eaten by vampires. The group manages to find Sister in a small town, but the Brotherhood drops vampires into the town via helicopter. How will Mister and Martin survive and will they ever reach New Eden?

I prefer my steak medium well, not stuffed into a vampire's mouth

Before I get into things like the acting and violence in the movie, I have to address two very big plot devices: Politics and Religion. The movie has a huge Libertarian bent to it, to the point where they might as well be smacking the audience in the face with a copy of Atlas Shrugged. I don't buy into the cult of Ayn Rand and Ron Paul, so having to sit through a movie where a) the government folds faster than Superman on laundry day, b) towns and villagers still exist through self-regulation and C) everyone is thrilled that the government is gone is downright silly. The world may be coming to an end, but everyone is thrilled to have their guns, liquor, and drugs. If the movie had been subtle about this, it wouldn't have been such a big sticking point, but there's nothing subtle about Stake Land. That brings me to my second point on religion. Just like with libertarians, I am no fan of the fanatical Christian Right. Making the villains (besides the vampires) into religious zealots is fine, but making them specifically evil Christians came off as a bit vindictive. Combine that with the character of Sister giving her cross to Martin, carrying around a mini figure of Mary, and then pairing it with a mini Jesus and I've had my fill. The least subtle moment of the movie comes when Sister runs into a skeleton literally crucified in a corn field. Subtley is a virtue and Stake Land takes that virtue out back and clubs it in the head with a shovel. There is even a scene where a bartender tells Mister that they don't talk about politics or religion inside the bar. Oh that's good because you're so busy doing that for the other 96 minutes of the movie. Look, I appreciate social commentary in horror movies, but there is a certain way to get your points across without coming off the like a propaganda film.

The story, written by Nick Damici and director Jim Mickle, plays out like every other zombie apocalypse film and just replaces the zombies with vampires. It's never explained why the vampire plague started or where they came from, which I found annoying. At least give me some hints. Characters just kind of drop in and drop out with very little in the way of development. A new character is introduced as Martin's love interest literally 7 minutes before the film ends. What the hell? And really, did you have to name the one African American character “Willie”? The final battle scene, which you'd expect to be long and drawn out, takes about 4 minutes to finish. I will say that the movie did have a lot of good action with plenty of bloody violence. The acting is good and the Jim Mickle crafts a good-looking and atmospheric movie. The location scout deserves credit as many of the scenes look straight out of an apocalypse. There are lots of abandoned buildings and worn-out backgrounds which are fun to see. 

SUBTLETY!!!!

The action and violence in Stake Land is perfectly fine. It's entertaining and thrilling to watch and would make horror fans squeal with bloody glee. The acting and direction isn't the problem either. It's the slanted writing with an obvious agenda that really gets to me. I hate the politics and don't enjoy having it slap me in the face. There are no anti-Christian overtones, just anti-Christian tones. If these two themes had been subtle and cleverly written, it wouldn't be such a big deal. There is nothing subtle about this movie though and it makes everything that much worse. There plenty of holes in the story, and issues throughout, like “if Martin is being trained, why can he never kill a vampire?” If you're able to ignore things things like this, you'll really enjoy Stake Land. If you're like me, you'll be annoyed and frustrated at a movie that couldn't just leave well enough alone and be a horror movie.

5/10

Day 172: Masters of Horror: Dance Of The Dead

Masters of Horror: Dance Of The Dead

It's like the Electric Slide, but way worse

There are many reasons why we decide to watch a horror. Sometimes we like the story it's based off of, sometimes it's a certain director or actor involved, sometimes we like the genre. Whatever the reason, when our interest is peaked, we expect a certain level of quality in what we are about to watch. Those expectations may be too low and we are pleasantly surprised at discovering a new movie. There are other times, though, when your expectations are high and you end up crashing into a mountain of awfulness.

Masters of Horror: Dance Of The Dead is based off a story written by Richard Matheson (What Dreams May Come, I Am Legend) and adapted to the screen by his son Richard Christian Matheson. The movie stars Jessica Lowndes (90210, Kyle XY) as Peggy and Robert Englund (A Nightmare on Elm Street, Freddy vs. Jason) as The MC. In 2008, terrorists deployed a biological weapon called “Blizz,” instantly burning anyone caught in it's path. Ten years pass and the United States has fallen into disarray after World War III. Peggy works in her mother's diner and longs to explore the outside world. When she was younger, she saw people burned to death by Blizz while she, her sister, and mother reached safety. A group of bikers/drug addicts come into the diner one day and Peggy becomes infatuated with one named Jak (Jonathan Tucker, The Ruins, Pulse). Jak, along with his sketchy friend, Boxx, have shady dealings with people in the rundown town of Muskeet, including The MC who works at a club called The Doom Room. We even see them steal a person's blood right off the street. Seriously, we see them come up to an old woman on the street, put an IV in her arms, drain some blood, and run away. Jak returns and takes Peggy on a drug-fueled bender on their way to The Doom Room. Jak and Boxx meet backstage with the MC and give him the stolen blood. Afterwards, they all watch the performance on stage, a zombified woman due to Blizz being electrocuted in order to make her lurch and dance. The MC brings on the next “dancer” which turns out to be Peggy's lost sister, Anna. How did she come to be this way and why has Peggy's mother come to Muskeet?

Now working Bar Mitzvahs and funerals

Wow, this was painfully bad. While the story seems slightly interesting, I think something was really lost in translation from word to film. Richard Matheson is no slouch when it comes to writing good stories. I mean, he wrote the absolute classic Twilight Zone episode, “Nightmare At 20,000 Feet.” While this may have been at one point a good story, it isn't a good one now. The story is all over the place in a confusing and nonsensical mess. So some biological weapon named Blizz (Seriously? Blizz? That sounds like something Dairy Queen would sell) burns people who come in contact with it, but you're safe if you're inside? Seems like you'd do more damage with a bomb. Then they just skip ahead and society has totally crumbled, leading to people stealing blood in broad daylight. Really? REALLY?! I can't even figure out what the story is supposed to be? The horrors of nuclear war? The evils in society? Well, it's sure not about zombies, contrary to what they advertise.

There are two saving graces to Dance Of The Dead; Robert Englund and music by Billy Corgan. Robert Englund is his usual wonderful self, speaking with conviction and making every word matter. Corgan's music is somewhat pounding industrial, or more precisely, Hollywood's idea of insustrial. It is fun to listen to and sets a dark tone to the movie. One of the biggest problems for the movie are the characters and the actors portraying them. No one is likable in Dance Of The Dead. Peggy is far too naïve at the beginning, but easily slides into the world of drugs and debauchery as if she's slipping on an old pair of shoes. The love interest, Jak, is supposed to be some sort of sweet badboy that's still a drug using, blood-stealing scumfuck. I'm supposed to like this guy because I'm pretty sure I hate his guts. It doesn't help that the performances are mediocre at best.

Acting the fuck out of this scene

There are very few good things to say about Dance Of The Dead. The story is barely coherent with unlikable characters, weak acting, and predictable and downright stupid ending. There is very little in the way of action and entertainment. It's labeled as a zombie movie, but that just barely passes for truth. Robert Englund is as great as ever and the music by Billy Corgan is pretty good. Perhaps something was lost in the execution of this movie, but I really don't know why they made this into an episode of Masters of Horror. There are far better stories out there deserving of an episode. I was expecting a fun zombie movie starring Robert Englund. Instead, I got a boring story that goes nowhere with a small Robert Englund role. The movie has a lot of drug use and nudity, so it's definitely not for kids. Dance Of The Dead is not scary and it is not entertaining.

2/10