Over 20 Years Later, The X-Files Intro Is Still The Creepiest Thing On TV

The X-Files, a science fiction/horror television show that ran from 1993 to 2002, was a pop culture hit that focused on all things paranormal and conspiratorial. A strong focus was given to wide-spanning government conspiracies and aliens, though its strength came from the episodes featuring various monsters, legends, and creatures. The series spawned two full-length films, spin-offs, comic books, toys, and countless parodies. Just this year, a six-episode tenth season was released (don’t spoil it for those that haven’t seen it yet). This announcement piqued my interest in the series and, probably like a lot of people, inspired me to watch the series from the beginning.

It’s interesting going back to watch something that initially scared me as a child. As an adult, I can now appreciate the drama and suspense of the show’s fine pacing, the subtle humor, the strong elements of horror, and the great music in each episode. I like to call this switch from childhood fear to mature enjoyment the “Freddy Krueger Effect”. When you’re young, monsters seem very real. They can hide in your closet, under your bed, down in the basement, anywhere that is unknown. For a kid, Freddy Krueger is terrifying. He’s scary-looking, has sharp knives on his fingers, and can get you where you parents can’t protect you. When you hit a certain age, though, he’s no longer scary and can actually be morbidly funny. The Freddy Krueger Effect works for Tales From The Crypt and can certainly be applied to The X-Files. An individual episode may give you the “willies”, but time and age seems to have muted the unsettling nature of the show. Except for the theme song.

As far as theme songs go, The X-Files theme may be one of the most iconic of the modern television era. So popular was the theme that it actually reached #2 on the UK singles chart. It’s worth noting that The X-Files debuted the same year as The Nanny, Blossom, and Class of ’96. Shows still had lyrics tailored specifically for the show. The X-Files theme was different. Composed by Mark Snow, who also created music for shows like Smallville, Millennium, and La Femme Nikita, the theme is an instrumental that borders on the ethereal. The alien whistling, a combination of a sample from a synth called “Whistling Joe” and Snow’s wife Glynn, effect conveys a sense of otherworldly uneasiness in the viewer while the echoing keyboard serves to focus and prolong feelings of dread. Its sparseness allows the whistling and echoes to breathe, boring deep within the listener’s mind. On its own, the X-Files theme may not seem so powerful. When the music is combined with the original footage from the show’s intro, though, it does.

The X-Files introduction was so effective because it always had a great set-up. Rather than starting the show with the intro, the episode itself would begin with a 1-2 minute setup. The set-up would almost always end with a traumatic experience, usually an unexplained occurrence or violence. Before the show is even technically introduced, the audience is thrust into the violent unknown world of the X-Files. We are not just told, but shown that monsters do exist and they are dangerous.

After the title screen, we are introduced to a photograph of a human pointing at a saucer-like object in the sky. Though partially obscured, we see that the photo is from the FBI and is dated. Nowadays, photo manipulation can be done convincingly in any home around the world. In the early 90’s it was less common. The photo does look real, accentuated by the person in the left corner pointing at the flying saucer. It’s a candid shot that lends the show a sense of credibility.

 

 The next few shots focus in on the unidentified flying object. The viewer is drawn in to the unknown ship as it gets closer and closer until it practically takes up the entire screen. This makes the “unknown” unavoidable, forcing the viewer to directly confront their fears.

 

Following the space ship careening into the living room, we see an arm pointing towards some sort of graph or notes. The arm is cloaked in darkness, belonging to a shadowy figure that we will never know. What the arm is pointing at is not clear. Is it a scientific formula? The notes of a madman? Is it even of this planet or this dimension? It is too much for the average mind to grasp, but someone out there knows, and that may be the scariest thing of all.

 

Now we have a floating orb with electric beams rotating in all directions. Admittedly, this looks like something you’d get at Spencer’s Gifts in the mall.

 

After seeing the strobe light from your friend’s basement, the audience is then subjected to the image of a face twisting and distorting in agony. We don’t know who this is or why they are being subjected to such obvious pain. It can be a physical or metaphysical pain. That’s left up to the viewer which, once again, allows the mind to fill-in the blanks with all types of horrible ideas. This quick scene is a brief glimpse into the effect that the X-Files world has on humans. The show’s opening scene is usually one of great violence or drama and now we have this helpless, contorting face. All of this before we even see the credits for the two main actors.

 

The next few seconds, though, are possibly the most interesting and disturbing moments of the show’s introduction. We see what can only be described as two mirroring alien eggs. Something emerges from both at the same time as the words “Paranormal Activity” flashes across the screen. While the previous scenes let the viewer’s mind do the work of instilling confusing and uneasiness, these shots are legitimately confusing. What unspeakable horrors are being born? Where is it from and where is it going? What does it want? Can we stop it?

For years, I had no idea what was going on with this shot and only recently discovered that it was a mirrored seed germinating. It’s interesting that something so simple and normal that occurs all over the world every day can seem so unnatural.

 

Next we have a ghost-like figure shambling down a hallway. Is it a ghost or perhaps someone trapped between dimensions, appearing only as a shadow of a human being? It’s a little unnerving on its own, but when the words “GOVERNMENT DENIES KNOWLEDGE” appear on screen, a new world of paranoia is opened to the viewer. “They” know what this is and “they” will not tell us. What us do “they” know? It’s a collision of conspiracy and supernatural and we have no good answers to assuage our fear.

 

We then see the show’s protagonists, Agents Mulder and Scully (both David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson receive credit earlier in the intro) burst into a room with their weapons drawn. Before the scene fades away, we see looks of shock and horror on their faces. What could possibly be in that room to two hardened veterans of the paranormal and the unexplained to react in such a way? Do we, the audience, even want to know?

 

One of the final scene’s from the X-Files intro is also the one open to the most interpretation. We have a small, featureless all-white being falling toward an enormous blue hand with one small red section on its finger. Is the figure human or is the hand? Are neither? Should this be seen as more of a psychological despair than a physical concern? Why red, white, and blue? Is this a commentary on the show’s conspiratorial views of the government? Is it to show man slipping through the fingers of God and falling into some unknown abyss? This is all pretty deep for a television show.

 

After a shot of a giant eye and credit to show creator Chris Carter, we have the iconic shot of a quickly moving storm over mountains with the slogan “THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE”. The tagline did occasionally change throughout the show’s run for particular episodes saying things such as “TRUST NO ONE” AND “DENY EVERYTHING”. It is this final image that leaves the most impact. The truth is out there, implying that we do not currently know the truth. We have been and continue to be deceived. The only way to find the truth is to go into the unknown and find it ourselves. The onus is on us (and Mulder and Scully, the avatars for the audience) to find the truth.

The images and messages occur in less than a minute, but they last long after the show itself is over. There have been other show intros with scary music or disturbing imagery that stick with the viewer. Unsolved Mysteries and The Outer Limits come to mind. Modern horror shows may be gorier and have better special effects, but they don’t have the same staying power of the X-Files introduction for the simple fact that they do not use the most powerful fear creator in the world: the mind. A zombie eats someone on a show and that’s it. A ghost is torturing a poor family and that’s it. There is little else to work with beyond the initial jump scare or shock of seeing something violent. The X-files intro allowed things to by implied and inferred, leaving the viewer to try and fill in the blanks. All while an unearthly song plays in the background.

Day 324: Monster Brawl

Monster Brawl

Where's The Undertaker and Kane?

I admit it. I'm a professional wrestling nerd. I am well aware that the results are predetermined (it's not fake, it's predetermined. Get it right), but I am still wildly entertained by it. I was a huge Hulkamaniac when I was younger, but became disinterested in the mid-90's. It may come as a shock to some that know me, but I pretty much missed the entire “Monday Night Wars”. While professional wrestling was at it's zenith of popularity, I wasn't watching. I felt like it was kid's stuff. I randomly became interested again while flipping through channels and saw that both Mr. Perfect and Big Boss Man, wrestlers from my childhood, were back in the WWE. An occasional watch became a weekly love affair that has extended to this day, going to live events and watching pay-per-views. I know, I'm a dork, but I'm perfectly OK with that. Being a fan things outside the mainstream tend to go together. Comic books, horror movies, heavy metal, wrestling. It was only a matter of time before there was a wrestling horror movie.

Monster Brawl is a 2011 independent horror comedy starring Dave Foley (The Kids In The Hall, Suck) as play-by-play announcer Buzz Chambers and Art Hindle (The Brood, Invasion Of The Body Snatchers) as color commentator “Sasquatch” Sid Tucker. An independent wrestling promoter and self-professed horror nerd has gathered eight monsters from across the globe and through time to compete in the ultimate monster battle. The combatants are seperated into two categories: Undead and Creatures. On the Undead side is Frankenstein, The Mummy, Zombie Man, and Lady Vampire. On the Creatures side is Cyclops, Werewolf, Witch Bitch, and Swamp Gut. The battles take place inside a wrestling ring set amidst an abandoned and cursed graveyard. Jimmy “Mouth Of The South” Hart of WWF/E and WCW fame announces the combatants as we are treated to background clips of each monster. Each clip reveals a little bit of each monster. For example, Zombie Man is the product of the army and managed by the maniacal Colonel Crookshank (Kevin Nash of WWF/E and WCW fame, Punisher). UFC referee Herb Dean referees the match to ensure the rules aren't broken, but he is killed in the first match. Which classic monster will reign supreme and prove once and for all who is the baddest monster in the world?

"Say it's fake again. I dare you."

If the above rundown of the movie felt like it was short on story, character development, and all the other hallmarks of a typical movie, you'd be right. Monster Brawl pulls no punches (sorry for the terrible pun) and makes no bones (sorry, another bad one) about what type of movie it is. Like the SpikeTV show Deadliest Warrior, Monster Brawl takes every 7 year-old's question of “Who would win in a fight?” There was really only two ways of doing this movie: lots of plot and story with a little bit of actual fighting or lots of fighting and no real story. They went with the latter and I'm OK with that decision. If you're looking for an actual movie with story, plot, emotions, and love interests, you're going to be sorely disappointed. The little background clips are fun and help break up the dark monotony of the graveyard and wrestling ring.

"We're the real monsters, baby!"

The fights play out like typical wrestling matches with clotheslines, jumps off the top turnbuckle, and occasional outside interference from managers. Each fighter has skill in the ring, some even better than those in WWE and TNA. The movie obviously had help laying out the matches from professionals which is great because they would be a mess otherwise. They have a good amount of psychology and good back and forth action. Each fighter cuts a promo before their match which are fun, but by no means hysterical. Dave Foley and Art Hindle are funny and have good chemistry. Foley channels his inner Howard Cossell while Hindle, dressed similar to Jim Ross from WWE, is more of a typical veteran color commentator. Lance Henriksen (Pumpkinhead, Millenium) lends his gravelly voice as the narrator during the background segments. Fans of the Mortal Kombat will enjoy the voice-overs during the fight shouting “Excellent!” and “Disturbing!” It's fun to see Jimmy Hart and Kevin Nash, but I would've liked to see more professional wrestlers throughout the movie. I'm sure they could have used the paycheck. Wrestling fans should not be surprised that Nash didn't “do the job” even in a movie. 

What a slobberknocker!

There's not a whole lot to Monster Brawl, but it is still immensely fun to watch. Writer/Director Jesse T. Cook knows exactly what he is going for with this movie. Rather than muddling around with a half-hearted story, he goes right for the action. The final fight is a little long and I felt the ending could have been better in my opinion. The fighting is good as the actors are all skilled and someone with wrestling knowledge clearly helped lay out all the matches. The monsters all look good and there is a nice variety to pick from. If you're not a wrestling fan, you'll still get a kick out of all of the fights, but don't expect much of an emotional connection to any character. For the wrestling dorks out there that also love horror, Monster Brawl is a must see. Regardless of the story (or lack thereof), I was still highly entertained.

8/10

Day 312: The Devil's Carnival

The Devil's Carnival

The Grimmest Show On Earth

“Rock Opera” isn't something you normally hear when talking about a horror movie. It's not something you normally hear in 2012, either. A loose definition of rock opera is a music album with a storyline told through multiple parts. These rock operas proved so popular that full-length movies were created, based on the story and songs. The most famous examples would be The Who's Tommy, Jesus Christ Superstar, and Pink Floyd's The Wall. The genre died out by the 80's and was long thought forgotten. A few years ago, a pseudo-horror movie movie written and composed by Darren Smith and Terrance Zdunich came out that made people change they way they saw rock operas. That movie was Repo! The Genetic Opera. The movie didn't have much appeal to me, so I've never seen it, but Zdunich's latest movie intrigued me.

The Devil's Carnival is a 2012 experimental horror/rock opera starring Sean Patrick Flannery (Boondock Saints, Masters Of Horror: The Damned Thing) as John, Briana Evigan (Sorority Row, Step Up 2) as Ms. Merrywood and Jessica Lowndes (90210, Autopsy) as Tamara. Initially unconnected, the three are brought together following their deaths: a grieving John commits suicide over the loss of his son, thieving Ms. Merrywood is gunned down during a police standoff, and naïve Tamara is killed by her enraged boyfriend. They awaken in what looks like a large carnival. Lucifer (Terrance Zdunich) reads three Aesop's Fables to John's missing son which parallel the three stories in the movie. The Ticket-Keeper (Dayton Callie, Deadwood, Undisputed) prepares the carnival workers for their new guests, selecting the Painted Doll (Emilie Autumn), the Twin (Nivek Ogre from the band Skinny Puppy), the Hobo Clown (Ivan Moody from the band Five Finger Death Punch) and the Scorpion (Marc Senter, Cabin Fever 2, I Know Who Killed Me). John and Ms. Merrywood find each other and approach the Ticket-Kepper's booth where he explains the 666 rules of the Devil's carnival and the consequences for breaking them. John goes searching for his missing son while Ms. Merrywood engages in a game of chance with the Twin. At the same time, Tamara meets the Scorpion and instantly trusts him and agrees to take part in his knife-throwing act. Ms. Merrywood loses her game of chance, stripped of her clothes and whipped by the Tamer (Shawn Crahan aka Clown from the band Slipknot). As this is happening, the Hobo Clown sings “A Penny For A Tale” describing Ms. Merrywood's downfall. Tamara finds the Scorpion kissing the Painted-Doll, but she still trusts him. She goes through with the knife-throwing act, only for the final knife to hit her in the chest. The Painted-Doll sings of her demise with the song “Prick! Goes The Scorpion's Tale!” Only John remains, desperately searching for his son. He finds his son in a room with Lucifer, but it is an illusion. What does Lucifer have in store for John and how does Heaven play into it?

That's how Emilie Autumn looks on a weekday

I think it's safe to say that I'm not exactly a big fan of musicals. I've seen Les Miserables and Miss Saigon on Broadway and I've enjoyed occasional musical episode of The Simpsons, but that's about as far as it goes. You won't see me singing the praises of Glee, though that's not just because there's singing in it. The initial idea of a horror movie with singing will initially keep many people away, but it would be a mistake to miss The Devil's Carnival. The songs are all very good and incredibly catchy. You'll have the initial “Devil's Carnival” theme stuck in your head for days. I may not have even watched it if not for well-known metal musicians Shawn Crahan and Ivan Moody were in it. Moody's hauntingly hollow voice sounds fantastic in the movie and gives a certain weight to his song. His performance is also very solid. The same can be said for Emilie Autumn and Nivek Ogre, though their roles are less of a stretch than for some other people.

While the songs do play a central role in the movie, thankfully not everything is in song. All three main characters play their roles well and never look out of their depth. The movie also contains small roles form Bill Mosely, Alexa Vega, and Paul Sorvino as God. The sets and costumes look utterly amazing as they are rich in both detail and color. Director Darren Lynn Bousman (Saw II, Repo! The Genetic Opera) does a good job of capturing everything without being too intrusive. The horror in the movie is more subversive and introspective than most horror films. If you're looking for genuine scares and blood, this isn't for you. The Devil's Carnival has a deeper fear to it that can easily be missed through all the whimsy and bright colors. The movie is very short, only about an hour long, and the movie moves quickly, which could make the story hard to follow.

If you're 555, then I'm 666

The Devil's Carnival is not your typical horror movie, but that doesn't make it any less entertaining. The movie smartly casts real singers and it pays off as all the songs sound great. The story is engrossing and entertaining, but just a little too short. Everyone puts in a good performance thanks to solid writing and direction. The costumes and sets look great and are truly a feast for the eyes. The horror of the movie will not scare you, but it may make you feel uneasy. If you like horror or hate it, you'll still enjoy The Devil's Carnival.

8.5/10

Day 310: The Last Exorcism

The Last Exorcism

Twister: Satanic Edition

There have been possession/exorcism movies before and after but none come close to the sheer terror and quality of The Exorcist. It is the alpha and the omega of possession horror. Many have tried to emulate it and many have failed. It's almost unfair to compare other movies to The Exorcist. It is a movie unto itself. All that being said, it's hard not to do so because the themes that run through that movie are identical to all others. The heavy religious imagery, religious commentary, the questioning of faith, and some scary violence. Those things could describe countless possession movies. Because of this, newer movies are required to come up with new ideas, new twists, and new gimmicks to differentiate themselves from the standard bearer of exorcisms in horror. One of those gimmicks is my old “favorite,” found footage.

The Last Exorcism is a 2010 found footage-style exorcism movie starring Patrick Fabian (Bad Ass, Providence) as Reverend Cotton Marcus. Cotton is followed be a small documentary crew to expose exorcism as a fraud. He has performed exorcisms in the past, but does not believe in demons or possessed individuals. Along with the crew, Cotton travels to a small town in Louisiana after receiving a letter asking for his help in performing an exorcism. The letter is written by Louis Sweetzer (Louis Herthum, True Blood, JAG) claiming that his daughter Nell (Ashley Bell, The Day, United States Of Tara) is possessed. After meeting with Nell, Cotton tells her father that she is possessed by a demon called Abalam. Cotton uses a myriad of tricks and props to make it appear that he is casting a demon out of Nell, to the satisfaction of her father. That night, Nell randomly appears in Marcus's hotel room in a disheveled state. They take her to a hospital to get checked out and everything comes back normal. Cotton visits the Sweetzer's former pastor, Joseph Manley (Tony Bentley, Cadillac Records, From The Rough), who explains that he hasn't been in contact with the family in a few years. After his wife's death, Louis became ultra religious and pulled his family out of the church and homeschooled his children. Nell inexplicably cuts her brother's face and Louis chains her to her bed. Cotton and the film crew free her, but her strange actions continue. A doctor from the hospital leaves a message, stating that Nell is in fact pregnant. Convinced that Louis raped her, Cotton and the crew wait for him to come home. Tempers flare and Nell attacks Cotton. He agrees to perform another exorcism, but things are not what they same. Is Nell really possessed or is there something else going on and how is Pastor Manley involved?

Power slide!

As with every other exorcism movie, religion does play a large part of the movie, but not in the typical way. The Last Exorcism puts a twist on the “loss of faith” theme. The movie doesn't focus on Cotton's return to faith and allows the movie to progress. The movie doesn't feel too preachy and doesn't rely heavily on Christian imagery. That was quite a relief as other movies tend to bash the audience over the head with crosses and Jesuses (Jesusi?). By not being as straight-forward as other exorcism movies, The Last Exorcism is free to craft better characters without having to force cliches and stereotypes. Both Patrick Fabian and Ashley Bell put in good performances, making both of their characters likable and believable. This likability is important because it makes the audience care about what is going on. The story itself is on the fairly mundane side with a few twists and turns that didn't really work for me. Things felt rushed and convenient with the express purpose of getting to the “shocking” ending with about 3 minutes left in the film. The movie lacked the proper amount of foreshadowing to be believable and felt too random. The final few seconds were straight out of the Blair Witch Project and I hated that movie.

The main gimmick of this movie is the use of found footage. As I've said in other reviews, I'm not really a fan of this style. It does allow for quicker scares, but it really isn't necessary for a movie like The Last Exorcism. Beyond the fast jolts, there really aren't many scary things about the film. I can't stand the shakiness of the camera and the phony focusing that occurs. Personally, I think a few quick scares are not a good tradeoff for a good story. There is a bit violence, though most is directed at a cat, which I didn't care for. The movie is rated PG-13 which blows my mind. Why would you handcuff your movie and take out the necessary and desired violence from the horror crowd? Do you really want a 14 year old to see a movie talking about rape and incest and demonic possession? By going soft on the violence and language, the movie becomes watered-down and generic. It doesn't have to be a splatterfest, but a few more scenes of violence and some real-life dialogue would have improved the movie immensely.

All the kids are doing the "Possessed" at the dance clubs

The Last Exorcism has a few good things going for it, but it tends to blend in with all the other exorcism movies. The story is fairly mediocre and the twists are too convenient and not very surprising. The ending feels very rushed and a lack of foreshadowing made it appear to come out of nowhere. The found footage may appeal to some, but I found it unnecessary and occasionally nauseating. The acting in the movie is good and there is solid character development. I truly think the PG-13 rating held the movie back and made it too bland for your average horror fan. While it's not a terrible movie, there were just too many thing in it that I didn't like.

5.5/10

Day 302: The Wicker Tree

The Wicker Tree

Make like a Wicker Tree and leaf

I've reviewed a lot of movies over the past year. I've watched originals, sequels, prequels, remakes, sequels to remakes, re-imaginings, and all other sorts of movies. I didn't think there was anything else left and then I saw today's movie, The Wicker Tree. Now, you may see the title and think, “Hey, that must be a sequel to The Wicker Man.” Nope. “Oh, OK. It must be a prequel.” Nu-uh. “Hmm. Remake? Re-imagining? Sequel to the prequel to the remake?” No, no, and no. The Wicker Tree is classified as “companion piece” to The Wicker Man. A companion piece, in regards to film, is a movie that is similar in nature and themes to that of a previous movie. Or if you want to put it another way, a movie that is pretty much the same as another one, just not as good.

The Wicker Tree is a 2011 horror film written and directed by Robin Hardy (The Wicker Man, The Wrath Of The Gods). The film is adapted from the Robin Hardy novel, Cowboys For Christ. The movie stars Brittania Nichol as pop country singer Beth Boothby and Henry Garret (Red Tails, Re-Kill) as her cowboy fiance, Steve Thompson. Both are evangelical Christians from Texas, wearing purity rings and belong to a group called “Cowboys For Christ”. They travel to Scotland to do missionary work, bringing Jesus to a group of people who have abandoned Christianity. They are welcomed by Sir Lachlan Morrison (Graham McTavish, Colombiana, Rambo), the leader of the town, who has arranged their trip. Beth performs a concert at the local church and we later learn that at one point in her career, her songs were all about promiscuity. The people of the town are not interested with Beth and Steve's teachings, rejecting Christ in favor of the Celt goddess Sulis. We learn that a terrible ecological accident occurred in the town, seeping into the water and forcing the community to not have children. The May Day celebration is approaching and Lachlan insists on having both Beth and Steve partaking in their events. Unbeknownst to them, the town plans to sacrifice both to Sulis in order to help increase fertility and restore their population. Will Beth and Steve realize what is happening before it is too late?

Close your eyes and think of the Queen

Despite being written and directed by Robin Hardy, who directed the original The Wicker Man, The Wicker Tree lacks what made The Wicker Man so great. In The Wicker Man, a strong sense of urgency and suspense rings throughout the entire movie. There, we want Sgt. Howie to find the missing girl as all the events lead up to his fateful meeting with the wicker man. In The Wicker Tree, we already know what is going to happen since the movies are so similar in nature. This kills any possible suspense, even though there isn't much to begin with. We know that everything is leading up to the May Day event, but nothing of real consequence happens to get us excited or interested. When you don't have suspense, all you're left with is a middling and boring story. I found myself constantly checking how much time was left just so I could be finished. There's a small side story with a police officer and a local woman, but I failed to see the point. There is a little bit of action towards the end, but it doesn't have the great shock and horror as The Wicker Man's final scene.

The movie also lacks the same strong characters and performances as The Wicker Man. Both Beth and Steve are far too naive and goofy to be considered likable and therefore, the audience has no real interest in what happens to them. Apparently, this is Brittania Nicol's first full-length film and it shows. She's not horrendous and delivers her lines well enough, she just lacks the appropriate emoting needed for such a role. That's partly due to the poor dialogue and lack of character progression. There is a very, very brief scene with Christopher Lee, which caused many to believe that The Wicker Tree was in fact a sequel. In it's original form, The Wicker Tree was going to be titled Cowboys For Christ and had Sean Astin, Christopher Lee, Vanessa Redgrave, and LeAnn Rhimes in major roles. Unfortunately, the project lacked funding and was never picked up. It's a shame, because having a stronger cast would have helped the movie greatly. Also, being under a different name would have reduced expectations. When you hear the word “wicker” in a horror movie title, you have a certain frame of mind when watching and you're bound to be disappointed.

Kids, say no to drugs and companion pieces

 

Though not a true sequel, The Wicker Tree does have the same elements and ideas as The Wicker Man. The stories are very similar and the brief inclusion of Christopher Lee connects the movies even further. Sadly, The Wicker Tree is nowhere near the quality of The Wicker Man in almost every way. The characters are not as good and the acting is nowhere near the quality of The Wicker Man. There is some action, but nothing great. The movie actually has a lot of humor in it, though I didn't really find myself laughing. If the movie was under a different night, I might have been more forgiving, but that is not the case, and I found myself very disappointed with The Wicker Tree.

3/10

Day 299: Stake Land

Stake Land

Hamburger Town

The zombie apocalypse vein of horror stories has become well-worn in recent years. Thanks to the popularity of Left 4 Dead, 28 Days Later and The Walking Dead, just about everyone knows what a zombie outbreak would look like. As much as I love the genre, it's been done to death. It's in television, movies, books, video games, and even on t-shirts. This poses the problem for writers and filmmakers. How do we have a zombie apocalypse without being a zombie apocalypse? Take out the zombies and put in vampires! Problem solved!

Stake Land is a 2010 vampire movie starring Nick Damici (Mulberry St, World Trade Center) as the enigmatic Mister and Connor Paolo (Gossip Girl, Revenge) as Martin. A wave of vampires has spread across the world as humans try to save themselves. The government has fallen and only small towns remain. A young man named Martin is saved by the vampire hunter Mister after a vampire kills his family. Mister trains Martin to kill vampires, explaining that guns hurt them, but stakes to the heart kill them. They travel through America's heartland on the way to the supposed safe-haven of New Eden in Canada. The visit small towns where people are still trying to live their lives amidst the carnage. One day, a nun runs in front of their car, pursued by two men in robes. Mister kills the two men and the nun, only known as Sister (Kelly McGillis, Top Gun, The Innkeepers), joins Mister and Martin on their journey. They stop in one seemingly-abandoned town only to be captured by members of The Brotherhood, a Christian cult, that has been taking over the country through violence. Their leader, Jebedia Loven (Michael Cerveris, The Vampire's Assistant, Fringe), reveals that one of the men that Mister had killed was his son. Mister is left in front of vampires in the woods while Martin and Sister are taken back to camp. Loven allows Martin to leave, who manages to find Mister still alive. They continue to make their way when they pick up another traveler, a pregnant girl named Belle (Danielle Harris, Halloween II, Left For Dead) and a marine named Willie (Sean Nelson, The Freebie, The Wood). They return to where The Brotherhood was camped and Mister leaves Loven to be eaten by vampires. The group manages to find Sister in a small town, but the Brotherhood drops vampires into the town via helicopter. How will Mister and Martin survive and will they ever reach New Eden?

I prefer my steak medium well, not stuffed into a vampire's mouth

Before I get into things like the acting and violence in the movie, I have to address two very big plot devices: Politics and Religion. The movie has a huge Libertarian bent to it, to the point where they might as well be smacking the audience in the face with a copy of Atlas Shrugged. I don't buy into the cult of Ayn Rand and Ron Paul, so having to sit through a movie where a) the government folds faster than Superman on laundry day, b) towns and villagers still exist through self-regulation and C) everyone is thrilled that the government is gone is downright silly. The world may be coming to an end, but everyone is thrilled to have their guns, liquor, and drugs. If the movie had been subtle about this, it wouldn't have been such a big sticking point, but there's nothing subtle about Stake Land. That brings me to my second point on religion. Just like with libertarians, I am no fan of the fanatical Christian Right. Making the villains (besides the vampires) into religious zealots is fine, but making them specifically evil Christians came off as a bit vindictive. Combine that with the character of Sister giving her cross to Martin, carrying around a mini figure of Mary, and then pairing it with a mini Jesus and I've had my fill. The least subtle moment of the movie comes when Sister runs into a skeleton literally crucified in a corn field. Subtley is a virtue and Stake Land takes that virtue out back and clubs it in the head with a shovel. There is even a scene where a bartender tells Mister that they don't talk about politics or religion inside the bar. Oh that's good because you're so busy doing that for the other 96 minutes of the movie. Look, I appreciate social commentary in horror movies, but there is a certain way to get your points across without coming off the like a propaganda film.

The story, written by Nick Damici and director Jim Mickle, plays out like every other zombie apocalypse film and just replaces the zombies with vampires. It's never explained why the vampire plague started or where they came from, which I found annoying. At least give me some hints. Characters just kind of drop in and drop out with very little in the way of development. A new character is introduced as Martin's love interest literally 7 minutes before the film ends. What the hell? And really, did you have to name the one African American character “Willie”? The final battle scene, which you'd expect to be long and drawn out, takes about 4 minutes to finish. I will say that the movie did have a lot of good action with plenty of bloody violence. The acting is good and the Jim Mickle crafts a good-looking and atmospheric movie. The location scout deserves credit as many of the scenes look straight out of an apocalypse. There are lots of abandoned buildings and worn-out backgrounds which are fun to see. 

SUBTLETY!!!!

The action and violence in Stake Land is perfectly fine. It's entertaining and thrilling to watch and would make horror fans squeal with bloody glee. The acting and direction isn't the problem either. It's the slanted writing with an obvious agenda that really gets to me. I hate the politics and don't enjoy having it slap me in the face. There are no anti-Christian overtones, just anti-Christian tones. If these two themes had been subtle and cleverly written, it wouldn't be such a big deal. There is nothing subtle about this movie though and it makes everything that much worse. There plenty of holes in the story, and issues throughout, like “if Martin is being trained, why can he never kill a vampire?” If you're able to ignore things things like this, you'll really enjoy Stake Land. If you're like me, you'll be annoyed and frustrated at a movie that couldn't just leave well enough alone and be a horror movie.

5/10

Day 296: The Devil's Rock

The Devil's Rock

The Angel's Roll

I've said it before, but it is worth repeating: There just aren't that many war-based horror movies. Sure, they exist, but compared to something like “babysitter slashers”, it's not even close. When it comes to war horror, most tend to be set during World War II. While I'd like to see a horror movie take place during the American Revolution or, say, The Peloponnesian War, WWII does offer a lot more room for creativity and variety. You can have various nationalities and locations in the movie without being historically inaccurate. Of course, these movies tend to blend together, so it's important to separate them with the horror itself. Some of these WWII horror movies have had zombies, ghosts, and for today's review, a shape-shifting demon.

The Devil's Rock is a 2011 supernatural horror movie from New Zealand. The movie stars Craig Hall (30 Days Of Night, The Water Horse) as Captain Ben Grogan, a New Zealand soldier on a sabotage mission one day before the Allied invasion of Normandy. Joined by Sergeant Joe Tane (Karlos Drinkwater), the two soldiers land on Forau Island to destroy a bunker and distract Nazi forces while the invasion begins. They hear a woman screaming inside the bunker and are surprised to see a Nazi soldier coming towards them, asking for help. Ben stabs him in the back and makes his way into the bunker. They are surprised to find the bunker empty except for the mutilated corpses of German soldiers. Joe discovers book of black magic and while he is distracted, is shot. Ben hears the gunfire and when he reaches Joe, he is knocked out. He awakens to discover that he has been bound by Colonel Meyer (Matthew Sunderland, Out Of The Blue, Stringer), who begins torturing him for information. Eventually, Ben escapes and chases Meyer through a series of tunnels and shoots him. He discovers a room covered in occult symbols and finds the source of the screams. He is shocked to discover that the woman screaming is his dead wife, Helena (Gina Varela, The Market, Xena: Warrior Princess). An injured Meyer shoots Ben in the leg and then shoots Helena in the head. He explains that she is really a shape-shifting demon, conjured up by the Nazis to use as a weapon. As proof, Meyer offers a still-alive Helena the leg of a dead German soldier. As she begins feasting, she reverts to her true demonic form. Can Ben trust Meyer in order to rid the world of this demon, before she manages to free herself?

"Do I have something in my nose?"

Zzzzzzzzzz. Oh, I'm sorry. I could barely keep my eyes open typing out that plot. If you couldn't tell, I found The Devil's Rock to be very boring. If I wanted to be lazy, I could have easily written just 3 sentences for the entire story and it would have essentially been just as good as the previous paragraph. There isn't much to the story beyond soldier finds demon who looks like his wife and can he trust this Nazi. The movie lacks any suspense, making the hour and a half feel like a marathon to watch. Without the suspense, what's the point of watching? Having a small cast doesn't help either. We know neither Ben nor Meyer can die too early, otherwise where is the conflict or the character foil? I never completely buy the demon's ability to persuade Ben other than just looking like his wife. Speaking of looks, when the demon's true form is revealed, I almost laughed out loud. Quick, think of what a cartoon devil looks like. That's how the demon in The Devil's Rock looked like. Of course, she was naked, but still, a cliché down to the rubber horns and bright red skin.

Seriously, where's your plastic pitchfork?

There is some action in the movie, but not as much as you'd expect from a movie set the day before D-Day. Most of the movie is filled with talking which was often too quite for me to fully hear, despite cranking up the volume. I was rewarded for my efforts to hear by having my eardrums blasted with insanely loud screams intermittently placed throughout the movie. I will say that the movie did put more effort into being historically accurate than most war-based horror movies. There is quite a lot of gore and blood, though we only see the aftermath of violence. Why not show us the goods? I mean, the makeup and prosthetics look great, but it would have made the movie far more entertaining to see the demon inflict violence on the Nazis. Everyone can enjoy that. There are references to actual events during the war and the movie is sure to include facts of New Zealanders fighting in the war. I can't say that I've ever seen a movie from New Zealand (Lord Of The Rings doesn't count) so it was neat to see a horror movie from a different perspective. Unfortunately, this movie is neither scary nor entertaining. 

No thanks. I already ate.

The Devil's Rock is a mediocre story that lacks that suspense to make it a good watch. There is not much in the way of character development or story progression. It lacks the proper amount of violence, especially considering the amount of gore we see. Seeing the violence would have made the movie more entertaining and would have created more suspense. Instead, we get a lot of dialogue, some of which is inaudible, and some screaming. The demon's true form looks ridiculous and would have been far more effective if they only hinted at what it looked like. It's nice that they made the effort to be historically accurate and to mention the efforts of New Zealanders during the war. Beyond being a horror film from New Zealand, The Devil's Rock has nothing else going for it.

3/10

Day 290: The Shrine

The Shrine

Shrine on, you crazy diamond

Don't go to a foreign country. Don't leave your state. Don't even leave your couch. The world of horror has taught us that going anywhere is a recipe for a disaster. Help is not coming and no one will ever find you. That's being a little dramatic, but it does occasionally happen in real life, which makes these movies more plausible. Granted, you're not going to be horribly murdered visiting the Hockey Hall Of Fame in Toronto, although that would be an awesome horror movie. Most of these travel horror movies take place in remote locations and require the main characters to be incredibly dumb. It's a a tried and true horror recipe.

The Shrine is a 2010 horror movie starring Cindy Sampson (Swamp Devil, Supernatural) as journalist Carmen and Aaron Ashmore (Smallville, Warehouse 13) as her boyfriend and photographer Marcus. Carmen gets wind of a story where a young American man named Eric Taylor disappeared while traveling in Poland and wants to investigate. She also mentioned that his luggage showed up in the Czech Republic despite never traveling there. Her boss does not give her permission to go and instead gives her a story covering bees that have gone missing. Carmen and her intern Sara (Meghan Heffern, Chloe, The Fog) visit Eric's mother and borrows his journal. Ignoring her boss, Carmen takes Sara and Marcus to Eric's last known whereabouts: a small village in Poland called Alvania. The find the villagers to be extremely secretive and unwelcoming. They talk to a little girl and show her a picture of Eric. She shows shock and fear at the picture, but a farmer named Henryk (Trevor Matthews, Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer, Teen Massacre) stops her from speaking to the group. Walking around, they take note that the villagers all treat their religious leaders like royalty. The walk out to the woods where a strange, unmoving fog hangs over the land. Sara disappears into the fog and Carmen goes in to find her. She comes across a large statue of a demon holding a heart. The statue's eyes begin to bleed and the heart starts to beat. Both Carmen and Sara escape the fog and begin to hear strange whispering. As they head for their car, the little girl from before brings them to a hidden tomb that contains the bodies of several people, including Eric. Each body has a white robe on and a strange mask that cannot be removed. They are locked in the tomb by the little girl and have to pry the door open to escape. They are attacked by the villagers who capture both Sara and Carmen while Marcus is forced to dig a grave. The girls are taken to a sacrificial tomb and Sara is strapped to an altar. Her wrists and Achilles' heels are slashed and one of the masks is forcibly placed on her face, killing her. While trapped, Carmen begins to see demonic faces on the villager's bodies. Marcus is able to escape his captor and rescues Carmen, fleeing into the woods. Will they be able to escape, what really happened in that fog, and why are the villagers killing people?

Making her wear white after Labor Day? You monsters!

Have you ever watched a movie and picked out scenes that were similar to 4 or 5 other movies? I kept doing that while watching The Shrine, more so than any other horror movie to date. It doesn't help that they remind me of much better horror movies that I'd rather be watching. The general torture of Americans in a foreign land, combined with the Achilles cutting scene reminded me of Hostel. The foreign land with a weird , archaic religion is like The Wicker Man. On top of not being completely original, the movie's biggest problem is that the story is just not very good. There are a lot of holes in the plot that really stuck with me. If the villagers know that going into the fog is a bad idea, why don't they warn anybody? Put a sign up, erect a road block, tell foreigners not to go in there. Something, anything to avoid this apparently constant problem. Another issue I had was the character of Sara. It was blatantly obvious from the beginning that she was there just to be killed. She didn't have a lot of development or even a love interest. A good amount of dialogue in the movie is in another language (I'm assuming Polish). Normally, I much prefer movies taking place in another country to be in it's native tongue. The problem is, there are no subtitles, so I have no clue what is going on. If giving away part of the plot is an issue, just rewrite things to keep the story vague.

I kept waiting for the story to lead to something important and that only happened in the last 10 minutes or so. There is a decent twist in the movie, you just have to wait an absurdly long time for it to happen, which is a shame because the twist was far more interesting that a majority of the movie. The movie touches on a few too many horror subgenres, including torture, possession, and exorcism, which leave the movie without a solid identity. There is a good amount of action and violence, with the final scene upping the ante in terms of blood and gore. If the rest of the movie had been like the last 10 minutes, I would have enjoyed it a lot more. The acting is fine with no real complaints. Composer Ryan Shore actually received a Grammy nomination for the soundtrack, but I honestly don't remember anything about the music in this movie.

"Sup, baby. What's a demon gotta do to get your number?"

A lot of things in The Shrine just feel forced and rushed. The story progresses only because the characters make terrible decisions. There are a lot of plot holes and general annoyances that are too much to ignore. The story is all over the place and hard to focus on, especially since a lot of the dialogue is not in English. There is a good amount of violence and some great gore at the end, but it's just not enough to make you want to sit through everything else. The Shrine desperately wanted to be all sorts of different horror movies and we end up with something unoriginal and not terribly fun to watch.

4.5/10

Day 288: Remains

Remains

You'll never win with that hand

It's not always choosing which horror movie to watch. Sometimes you're not in the mood to watch a slasher or a vampire movie. Maybe you want a violence-filled splatter fest or perhaps something a little more psychological and slower. I'm sure many of you would get a laugh out of watching me try to decide which movie to watch, flipping through various DVDs and websites, trying to find something I'd enjoy. When I'm stuck, I'll take a look at the specifics of the movie like who is acting in it, or directing it or who wrote it. Today's movie is based off the work of famed horror comic book writer Steve Niles, who's work includes 30 Days Of Night and Criminal Macabre. Unfortunately the increase in price and decrease in quality has put a stop to my comic book reading some years back. I had never heard of Niles's book “Remains” but I have enjoyed his other work in the past, so I figured I would give this a shot.

Remains is a 2011 zombie movie based off the 5-issue comic book of the same name. The movie stars Grant Bowler (Ugly Betty, True Blood) as Tom, a blackjack dealer in a Reno, Nevada casino. Tom sneaks into storage room with Tori (Evalena Marie, Serena And The Ratts, Exhumed), a cocktail waitress at the casino, for a little “alone” time. While they are in the heavily-shielded room, a large experiment goes wrong, releasing large amounts of radiation into the world. The power goes out and both Tom and Tori are stuck in the room. When the power finally returns, they escape only to find the casino in ruins. When they try to help an old woman sitting at the slots, she turns out to be a zombie and tries to bite them. A well-placed walker-shot to the face kills her and they meet Jensen (Miko Hughes, Rosewell, Full House), a magician who worked in the casino. They fight off zombies in the hotel, trying unsuccessfully to save a woman stuck in a room with zombies. ON security cameras, they see Victor (Anthony Marks, Celebrity Ghost Stories, Blood Night: The Legend Of Mary Hatchet) fighting off zombies with a biker. He shoves the biker to the zombies and makes it into the casino. Over the course of the next few days, they try various means of escape from the casino. They try to sneak past the zombies when they sleep (yes, zombies sleep in this movie for some reason), but the plan fails. Tom's fingers are bitten, but Tori chops them off in case you become a zombie if bitten. They are saved by a group of soldiers and go back to the casino. Cindy (Tawny Cypress, Rescue Me, Heroes), the daughter of the soldier in charge, tends to Tom's wound and makes a connection with him. At the same time, the soldiers raid the casino's pantry, leaving the group with no food. Jensen tries to stop them, but is killed. With no food, corrupt soldiers, and zombies outside, how will they survive?

"Sorry, I'm new at this zombie thing."

It's important to mention that this movie was made for the Chiller TV network, a cable network specializing in horror movies. While the idea for the channel is great, for whatever reason, a lot of the movies they show are edited for content, language, or nudity. It seems kind of weird to me to create an entire network for a genre known for it's violence and nudity. The movie does have that “made-for-television” quality to it in regards to the quality of film used to shoot it and star power. There are multiple fade-to-black scenes, indicating commercial breaks, which does get tiresome. The story itself is your standard zombie-survivalist horror movie. You already have a pretty good idea of what is going to happen. None of the survivors are particularly likable, which I suppose does give the movie a dose of reality, but makes it hard to cheer for some of them. In most zombie movies, the survivors are at least moderately sympathetic characters, but not these ones. Cindy and the soldiers come into the movie with about 40 minutes left, falling somewhere in between too early and too late to make a real impact and create drama.

Thankfully, Remains does have the appropriate amount of violence and gore that is required in a zombie movie. The movie doesn't reach Romero-style violence, but it's enough to keep you entertained. The makeup on the zombies look good, though I did have multiple problems with how the zombies acted. I know they just used a lot of extras as their zombies, but there was too much variety in how they moved. Some ran, some staggered and then sprinted, and some even moved like chimps. One zombie even barked at another to get him away from a corpse. BARKED! Eventually the zombies start eating each other. Again, that's a new one. If that's the case, why not just wait the zombies out in hopes they kill each other? And since when do zombies sleep?! It does help separate the movie from other zombie films, that's too much for me. I'm a traditionalist when it comes to zombies and sleeping is just unacceptable, especially when the survivors still can't escape when the zombies are asleep.

Who ordered the extra pepperoni pizza face?

Remains is a fairly unremarkable zombie movie. I have never read the comic book, so perhaps the story is laid out in a better way, but on the screen it's standard and mundane. There were plenty of options for creativity setting the story in Reno, but it never really comes up. Why not kill a zombie with a roulette wheel or shove a slot machine on top of one? The acting is fine considering the lack of star power. There is a decent amount of violence and some gore which was more than I expected coming from Chiller. I didn't like some of the changes made to zombies as they are unnecessary and silly. Zombies are usually in the “if it ain't broke, don't fix it” category and this is a good example of why. There are worse zombie movies out there, but there are also far better ones.

4.5/10

Day 282: The Innkeepers

The Innkeepers

Cloudy with a chance of evil spirits

It's my favorite month of the year, October. The days are getting shorter, the weather is cooler, the leaves are changing, pumpkin pie is plentiful, and horror rules. It's the time of ghouls, monsters, and especially ghost stories. What is it about a ghost story that scares us so much? Is it a fear of the unknown? Perhaps a secret desire of an afterlife? A love of sheets with holes in them? Whatever the reason, ghost stories are as old as time, being passed down from generation to generation. There are countless ghost tours, haunted hayrides and other attractions for fans of horror and the paranormal. The United States has no shortage of haunted places, be it houses, cemeteries, or in the case of today's movie, a hotel.

The Innkeepers is a 2001 ghost-centric horror movie written and directed by Ti West (The House Of The Devil, V/H/S). The movie stars Sara Paxton (Shark Night, Superhero Movie) as Claire, an employee at the Yankee Pedlar Inn, a formerly grand hotel that is now in its final week of operation. The only other employee is Luke (Pat Healy, Six Feet Under, Ghost World) who created a website about the supposed paranormal events that take place in the hotel. Both are amateur ghost hunters trying to find the spirit of Madeline O'Malley, a bride from the 1800's who hanged herself in the hotel after her husband left her on their honeymoon. It was also rumored that her body was hidden in the basement by the hotel owners at the time. The hotel receives a new guest, former actress Leanne Rease-Jones (Kelly McGillis, Top Gun, Witness) who claims to be in town for an actor's convention. That night, Claire uses Luke's ghost-hunting equipment to record various strange sounds in the hotel. She picks up the sound of faint voices and music and even sees the piano playing by itself. She runs into Leanne and explains what she heard. Leanne reveals that she is actually a medium and is in town to meet with other psychics. She also warns Claire to stay away from the basement. The next morning, Claire awakens to see an apparition of Madeline O'Malley sitting in her bed. Later that day, a strange old man asks to check into a honeymoon suite on the third floor, even though it has already been stripped of furniture. Luke and Claire decide to investigate the basement where Madeline's body is supposedly buried, ignoring Leanne's warning. Luke freaks out and flees, leaving Claire alone in the hotel. Panicked, Claire wakes Leanne who goes down into the basement to contact the spirit. She tells Claire that she is in great danger and must leave the hotel now. How is the old man connected to the events in the hotel and will Claire survive?

Did you have that dream about being Reese Witherspoon again, honey?

Many people say that writer/director Ti West is the new master of the “slow burn” in horror. I think it's more accurate to say that Ti West is the mast of the 10 minute horror movie. Of course, that's a problem when the movie is over 100 minutes long. Much like his other movie “The House Of The Devil” the majority of The Innkeepers teases the horror out almost to the point where he risks the audience leaving before things happen. Besides the one scene where the ghost appears in Claire's bed, almost nothing of importance happens until the final twenty minutes. There are a few creepy scenes here and there when Claire is listening to the ghost-hunting machine, but it's not heavy-duty horror. It's like West enjoys forcing the audience to sit through most of his movies bored in hopes of getting a few big scares in at the end. Unfortunately, the scares at the end of The Innkeepers weren't particularly frightening. The final events in The House Of The Devil was far more unsettling than The Innkeepers. I actually had a countdown during this movie to whens something was going to happen. “There's an hour left, something better happen. There's 45 minutes left, something better happen. There's 30 minutes left, something better happen.” Forcing your audience to be bored for most of the movie just to have a “thrilling” ending is never a good idea. It makes the movie feel like a chore instead of a form of entertainment.

That being said, everything else in the movie is very good. The acting is solid with it's small, but competent cast. The conversations feel very fluid and natural, though they're not always pertinent to the story itself. It sometimes feels as if West is trying to channel his inner Quentin Tarantino, having his characters have full conversations and witty rapport rather than advancing the story. Most of the movie comes off almost as a comedy between Luke's dorkish slackerism and Claire's awkwardness and wacky Jim Carrey-style flailing. Sara Paxton does a fine job, thanks in part to her gigantic eyes conveying fear, and Pat Healy was a good foil for her. Ti West is unquestionably a good director as he has an eye for great shots, both close up and far away. There is good character development throughout, almost too much to be honest. There is an actual Yankee Pedlar Inn in Torrington, Connecticut and parts of the movie were shot there. I felt that that was a nice touch, going above and beyond what was needed to give the movie an authentic feel. 

This movie is authentic, right down to the boredom we share with the characters

The Innkeepers is essentially two movies: The first is a cutesy and occasionally funny exploration into a few oddball characters. The second is an average ghost-tale with a few jumps and decent makeup. The main problem is that this “second” movie is about twenty minutes long and if you're going into this movie hoping for horror, you'll be sorely disappointed. The film moves at a snail's pace and will truly try the patience of people looking to be scared. It's not that the movie is bad, because it really isn't, it's just not what it promises to be. If you're thinking of seeing The Innkeepers, you should, because thanks to good acting and direction, the non-horror parts are well done. It's the story itself that is the true problem as nothing of particular interest occurs until the very end. If you're looking for scares, you can probably skip the first hour of the movie. That's never a good thing to say in a horror movie.

4.5/10