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Monday, January 9, 2012

Day 9: Wolves of Wall Street

Wolves of Wall Street
More like Dudes of Bro Street

Movies usually don't outright lie to you. Sure there's swerves, misleads, and falsehoods, but they never really lie to you. Wolves of Wall Street lied. I thought I was going to watch a movie involving Werewolves. It was in the “Werewolves” section. It has “Wolves” in the name. There's a gigantic full moon on the poster. Lies. Every single one of those are lies. There is not one werewolf in this movie. Let me repeat, with a little more emphasis. Ahem: THERE ARE NO FUCKING WEREWOLVES IN THIS FUCKING MOVIE!”

Wolves of Wall Street follows the story of Jeff and his perfect hair, teeth, and prominent jaw-line. For some reason, Jeff has always wanted to be a broker on Wall Street. Sure, lots of kids want to do that for a living. He comes to New York City to find work and meets a pretty bartender played by Elisa Donovan (Amber from Clueless). She recommends he gets in touch with the company Wolfe Brothers. Yes, really. The members of Wolfe Brothers all look like Calvin Klein underwear models with a touch of Frat Boy douche. Why do I say this? Because we see them in their underwear for NO REASON. Jeff is hired and taught all about the cutthroat world of business and how he must work with his pack, go in for the kill, and lots of other wolf-related cliches.

Nipples of Wall Street

We never see anything resembling a werewolf in this movie. Not a regular wolf, not a dog, not even a guy with too much body hair. The closest we get is some growling noises and a little bit of silly makeup to show veins. That's it. I know horror movies can have tight budgets, but they couldn't swing by a barber shop, pick up some hair, and glue it on to someone's face? Of course not. That would mean someone was being creative.

I swear there is only 35 minutes of actual film shot for this movie. The rest of the time is filled with quick shots of scenes from earlier in the movie. That's not being a creative director; that's being a lazy director that likes to cheat. The same shot of the full-moon next to the Empire State building is shown so many times it deserves top billing. And to keep the budget under $50, the same ridiculous nu-metal song is played over and over. 

This is the closest a Werewolf has ever gotten to this movie

I wasn't expecting much from a movie called Wolves of Wall Street, but I expected better than this. Maybe someone getting mauled on the floor of the Stock Exchange or the price of silver skyrocketing after werewolf attacks. Those two hypothetical ideas are far more entertaining than this movie was. I kept checking how much time was left in the movie, hoping to be relieved from the pain of watching this brain-numbing disaster. I would rather watch a Sex In The City marathon with Marcus Bachmann than watch this movie again. Don't torture yourself by watching this movie. Don't even look at the pictures for too long. Its just not worth it.


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