Day 362: End Of Days

End Of Days

Schwarzenegger should never be sad. He should always be punching something.

Arnold Schwarzenegger fights Satan on the eve of the new millennium. That plot sounds like it was written on the back of a high school notebook next to “Metallica Rulez” and doodles of pirates battling ninjas. While it sounds like a wacky idea it also sounds like a fun one. Schwarzenegger is not exactly known for his work in horror and the supernatural so the idea of him battling the forces of evil is at least different. Even in the late 90's, Arnold was still a draw as an action hero and slightly more believable battling the devil than, say, Jean-Claude Van Damme or Steven Seagal. Add in a well-rounded cast and some fun special effects and you can't go wrong, right?

End Of Days is a 1999 supernatural horror/action movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger (The Running Man, Total Recall) as retired cop Jericho Cane and Gabriel Byrne (Stigmata, The Usual Suspects) as Satan. In 1979, newborn Christine York is chosen to bear Satan's child 20 year's later on the eve of the new millennium. The Pope sends out priests all over the glove to find the child and protect her from Satan. Twenty years later, Satan comes to Earth and possesses a Wall Street Banker, leaving death and destruction in his wake. Jericho Cane is assigned to protect the banker, unaware of his true nature, and saves him from an assassin. The would-be killer is revealed to be a priest named Thomas Aquinas (Derrick O'Connor, Dardevil, Deep Rising) who was sent to protect Christine. Jericho and his partner Bobby Chicago (Kevin Pollack, Wayne's World, Canadian Bacon) discover Aquinas's hideout and eventually find a now-adult Christine York (Robin Tunney, The Craft, Empire Records). She is attacked by the Vatican Knights, a group of Catholics that believe the only way to prevent the End of Days is by killing her. Jericho saves her, but Bobby is killed by Satan in an explosion. As Jericho and Christine escape, they first stopped by Christine's adoptive mother and fellow police officer Marge (CCH Pounder, Warehouse 13, Avatar), both who are in league with Satan. Satan visits Jericho in his apartment and tries to tempt him, offering to reunite him with his murdered wife and daughter. He refuses and shoots Satan to no avail. Eventually, Christine is captured by Satan and taken to a secret location in order to fulfill his evil mission. With New Years fast approaching, how will Jericho be able to save Christine and defeat the devil himself?

Don't leave the Prince of Darkness hanging

On the surface, the basic premise of End Of Days doesn't sound that bad. Sure, it's been done before and is fairly cliché, but it's not a terrible idea. Throwing in a mega star like Arnold Schwarzenegger, even at a price tag of $25 million, sounds even better. Unfortunately, that's where the good ideas end. The movie is a poor patchwork of various other Satanic horror movies and the final product is a confused mess that is high on explosions, but low on logic. It's never really clear why Satan chose the body that he did or why he chose to stay in it for so long. If he can control people, why does he have so much trouble finding and keeping Christine? Why is Jericho able to resist his control? Why does he need protection at the beginning of the movie in the first place? And if both the Vatican and Satan's minions have been planning for this event for two decades, why are they both completely inept? If the movie went at a quick pace, maybe some of these gaping plot hole. Instead we get a movie over two hours long full of extended fight scenes. I like fights and explosions as much as the next person, but it really kills any horror and suspense that the movie may have had. Another thing in the movie that I really didn't like was the hyper-sexual nature of the story. The entire plot is based on Satan raping a girl and along the way, he molests a few other women. There is even one scene involving incest. Implying these things would have been bad enough, but they are up front and in your face. It made me quite uncomfortable and took my focus away from the rest of the movie.

When you think of a depressed, suicidal cop from New York, do you think of Arnold Schwarzenegger? Of course not, which makes his casting in the role of Jericho Cane (nice name) a little strange. He does his best to show emotion and range, but really, it's just Arnold Schwarzenegger. He runs, he jumps, he shoots. He gets a lot of help from a pretty good cast that includes Kevin Pollack, CCH Pounder, Rod Steiger, and Udo Kier. Gabriel Byrne is out of place in his role since Satan is strangely portrayed not as evil, but mischievous. There was one funny scene where Satan told a skateboarder that he liked his “Satan Rules” shirt. The movie's soundtrack is also notable as it is a snapshot of what was popular at the time. Songs from bands like Korn, Limp Bizkit, Rob Zombie, Eminem and a new song from Guns N' Roses find their way into the movie at random intervals. The movie uses a lot of special effects, some good while others look dated through modern eyes. Thanks to international numbers and DVD sales, the movie did fairly well, but not as well as studios were expecting. Maybe the world just wasn't ready for a depressed Arnold and a goofy Satan.

Look at that emotion!

End Of Days sounds decent on paper. It has a big-name star, a good supporting cast, lots of violence, special effects, and a hip soundtrack. Unfortunately, the movie's story is all over the place, leaving huge plot holes and focusing more on action than horror. There aren't many scares to be had and certain overly-sexual scenes will make just about everyone reach for the remote. Both Arnold Schwarzenegger and Gabriel Byrne look out of place in the movie. No one wants to see a depressed Arnold trying to show emotion and no one wants a boring Satan. End Of Days is good for a nostalgia trip and for an explosion fix. That's about it.

4.5/10

Day 212: Masters of Horror: Jenifer

Masters of Horror: Jenifer

But she has so much inner beauty

I am still a novice when it comes to Dario Argento movies. I have reviewed two of his works, (Inferno and Masters of Horror: Pelts) but they only scratch the surface of Argento's unique vision. It was difficult to get through Inferno, mostly due to a lack of a cohesive plot and the fact that it dragged for hours. It was visually stunning and the music was great, but I had no clue what was going on. I enjoyed Pelts because it was a focused horror story that confined Argento to a certain format fit for television. It still had plenty of blood and gore, but Argento couldn't go off on an LSD-style color trip for an extra hour. Perhaps his other Masters of Horror installment would be just as good.

Masters of Horror: Jenifer is a 2005 horror movie from the Showtime television series starring Steven Weber (Farm House, Wings) as police officer Frank Spivey. While parked in his squad car, Frank sees a man carrying a meat cleaver forcing a woman (Carrie Fleming) to the ground. The man raises the cleaved and Frank draws his gun and fire. The woman has a beautiful figure but a horribly disfigured face and giant black eyes. That night, Frank is consoled by his wife Ruby and during sex, he fantasizes about the girl he saved and becomes too rough with her. The next day, Frank speaks with a police officer who interrogated the girl and learns that her name is most likely Jenifer, due to a note found on her with that name written on it, and that she is mute and probably mentally handicapped. He meets her in the mental hospital and takes her home with him. Frank dreams of a non-disfigured Jenifer and awakens to find her standing in his room, terrifying his wife and teenage son. Frank takes Jenifer out to find a place for her to stay, but ends up having sex with her and bringing her back to his home. There, she eats his cat causing Frank's wife and son to leave him. Frank turns to alcohol and while he is blacked out, Jenifer kills and begins eating Amy, a little girl that lives near Frank. He tries to get a circus worker to kidnap her and put her in the freakshow, but he finds the worker half-eaten in his refrigerator. Unable to break free from his attraction to her, Frank takes Jenifer to live with him in a cabin in the woods. What will happen to Frank and Jenifer?

I'd hate to see her on a bad day

This is certainly a weird story, but it doesn't quite reach the “Argento in his prime” weirdness.The story is fairly straightforward, and I have the feeling that I've seen something similar, but I can't place my finger on it. The makeup used on Jenifer's face is quite creepy and not easy to look at. Jenifer doesn't talk, but instead makes an array of almost-human sounds. This adds to the overall horror of the character because it is something unnatural coming from a human body, similar to the spiderwalk scene from The Exorcist or the jerking movements of the little girl from Ringu. It takes a lot for me to be shocked or taken aback from a horror movie, but the scene where Jenifer is eating Amy really stuck out to me. So much so that I actually said “That's fucked up,” something that doesn't occur often when watching a movie. I think it was mostly due to Amy being so young and the movie showing her covered in blood and entrails.

It's hard to ignore the large amounts of sex and nudity in this episode. It definitely isn't for children, and, to be honest, some adults. It was an interesting mix of eroticism and repulsion, almost like a bizarre adult Beauty And The Beast in reverse. I do find it hard to believe that Frank could become so obsessed with her, but I think it was due to some sort of pheromone or hypnosis. It wasn't really clear and was too convenient for the story's purposes. The movie doesn't have the same flare that Argento's earlier works have and could have used something to separate it from other Masters of Horror episodes. The story is a bit predictable, especially towards the end and could have use some more explanation into who or what Jenifer is.

Omnomnomnomnomnom

Masters of Horror: Jenifer is a decent episode in the series with some good blood and gore. Steven Weber plays his part well enough and Carrie Fleming is fine as Jenifer. Her disfigured makeup is very good and the weird sounds she makes are very creepy. The movie is predictable and lacks that true Argento eye for film-making. There is a lot of nudity and sex in this film and is not appropriate for certain audiences. The movie does have some scary moments, but the horror tends to lag at certain points. Overall, it's a decent watch; not the best from Masters of Horror, but not the worst.

5.5/10

Day 151: Candy Stripers

Candy Stripers

Helloooooooooo, nurse

Sometimes you just need to watch a “bad” movie, you know? You don't want anything complicated or cerebral. You just want some mindless fun for an hour and a half. Horror is really good that accomplishing that goal. Just look at your local video store (if it still exists) or just flip through Netflix and Hulu. A majority of those movies are horrendous, but that's ok. Sometimes you need a little horrendous in your life. It keeps the good movies good and requires little effort from you, the viewer. This was one of those days.

Candy Stripers (not to be confused with the Adult movie, though no one would blame you for confusing the two) is a 2006 horror movies starring Brian Lloyd (Evil Bong, Doll Graveyard) as basketball star Matt. A blind woman is attacked by an unseen force and sent to a local hospital. Dying, she asks a candy striper to kiss her because, um, why not. When they kiss, an alien creature is transferred into the candy striper via mouth-to-mouth. The candy striper becomes hyper-sexual and begins to turn all of the staff into aliens. Matt is injured along with a few of his teammates during a WWE-style basketball game and is cared for at the same hospital. The alien candy stripers go after Matt, his friends, his girlfriend, and Cherise, the plain, but still hot, girl that has a crush on Matt. The aliens have a sweet tooth and need to constantly eat sugar to stay alive. Matt and his crew begin injecting the candy stripers with insulin in order to kill them. The group is slowly whittled down to just Matt and Cherise. Will they be able to escape the alien/naughty candy striper menace?

Best. Hospital. Ever.

Well, I asked for a bad movie and I got one. Candy Stripers is a B or even C movie and doesn't strive to be anything else. The plot is extremely basic with one part Invasion of the Pod People and one part Cinemax After Dark. That's probably why they had Playboy playmates serving as candy stripers. Speaking of candy stripers, from the beginning I was really weirded out by the concept because real candy stripers are usually high school volunteers. On top of that, they do things in the movie that only nurses and doctors would do. Wouldn't it have just been easier (and less creepy) if the women had just been nurses? Was there such a big demand for candy stripers to be used in a horror movie that they couldn't write the script without them?

The acting is just about where you would expect from a movie where aliens are past through lesbian kisses. It's not good, but it is a shade better than a high school play. The women are beautiful and that helps keep your mind off the bad acting and terrible story. The story has very little flow and forces itself from one scene to the other. I would have liked a little more backstory on the aliens and what their plan is other than infecting hot babes. It's a good plan, don't get me wrong, I just would have liked more substance. The movie has some nudity and a few sex scenes, so it's not really for the younger crowd. There is a decent amount of blood and gore and one scene that will make a few men cringe and close their legs in horror. The special effects used are pretty bad with some sort of goofy face warping that looks like it was created on a Macbook. 

Who wants pickles?

When you ask for a bad movie and you get a bad movie, can you really complain? You get what you pay for when you watch Candy Stripers and since I watched this for free via Hulu, I'd say I paid the correct amount. The story and acting and both bad and the special effects are laughable. The women are hot so you'll at least have something to look at while your brain turns to mush. Despite not being an Oscar-worthy movie, Candy Stripers held my attention and even managed to entertain at times. Maybe next time I'll try a real movie.

3/10

Day 134: Blessed

Blessed

I can think of some curse words to describe this movie

Happy Mother's Day everyone! Be sure to treat your moms to a lovely brunch and give them something nice. They put up with you when you were a teenager, so they deserve it. There's a few Mother's Day and “mom” related horror movies out there. Maybe it was subconscious, but I watched didn't watch Blessed because it was a mother/pregnancy based horror movie. I really watched it because it had Heather Graham. I thought, “Hey, she's a real actress. Maybe this will be good.” Of course, if you've never heard of a movie before, there may be a reason for that.

Blessed is a 2004 horror/thriller starring Heather Graham (Boogie Nights, From Hell) as Samantha Howard and James Purefoy (Ironclad, John Carter) as her husband Craig. They are having trouble trying to conceive, so they briefly move to Lakeview, New York in order to receive treatments at the Spiritus Research Clinic. During the treatments, Samantha witnesses her neighbors being stalked by a hooded figure and they soon disappear. The clinic is involved with some experimental procedures and Samantha is given two eggs injected with a strange red liquid, supposedly to help increase her chance of conceiving. She learns that she is in fact pregnant with twins and they move back to the city to discover their apartment has been vandalized. They decide to move into the now empty house in Lakeview where their neighbors used to live. Craig, who is publishing a book, meets with strange publisher Earl Sidney who gives him $100,000 advance on his work. They adjust to live in Lakeview, but Samantha starts to have strange sensations and feels she is being followed by the same hooded figure from before. She meets an Italian priest, Father Carlo (Andy Serkis, Lord of the Rings, Deathwatch, who tries to warn her of the clinic and their dubious associations with a devil-worshiping cult. Supposedly the liquid injected into her eggs was the DNA of Lucifer. Father Carlo is convinced that she must kill the babies to keep from unleashing unspeakable evil in the world. Is all of this true and what does that mean for Samantha and her babies?

 And what about her giant, dinner plate-sized eyes?

 

This movie is a mess of half ideas and no ideas. It strives so hard to be Rosemary's Baby and it fails in every conceivable way. It is not scary, it is not creative, and it barely qualifies as horror. Throughout the first part of the movie, I thought they were going for the slow build, teasing the action and thrills for the second half. Then the second half occurred and still nothing. It wasn't a slow build, it was a no build. There is no flow to the story and the writing is just horrendous. If you want to see a slightly annoying couple have cutesy conversations, this movie is for you. Of course that's not the case because you want to see a horror movie. The injection of religion and the devil is muted, which is funny, considering this is supposed to be a Satanic baby movie. Why even bother if you're not going to go all out with the religious imagery? You might as well inject her with wolf DNA to make a werewolf baby or something equally stupid.

The acting is passable and is really the only thing that keeps the movie going. Heather Graham does well as the mother in trouble. Andy Serkis comes off as a bit weird in his role as Father Carlo, though I think that's just terrible character development and writing and not his acting ability. The direction is no good and the motivations of the characters are either confused or just non-existent. We see Samantha researching the clinic and finding it's weird connections with cloning. She couldn't have done that before, you know, being injected with devil juice? And why is Father Carlo the only one trying to stop this from happening? Where is the rest of the Church?

Jesus loves ya

Horror fans will be incredibly disappointed with his movie and fans of staying awake will also be disappointed. The story is weak along with the writing and directing. There is very little action and nothing particularly scary. Nothing if interest really happens and the ending is particularly stupid. Do yourself and you mother a favor and skip this movie. Happy Mother's Day.

2/10

Day 57: Zombies Zombies Zombies

Zombies Zombies Zombies

There's no brain eating in the Champagne Room

Sometimes you just need to watch a stupid movie. You don't want to think, you don't want to get emotionally attached, you just want to watch some ridiculous. Horror seems to have a plethora of these types of movies, sometimes unintentionally. I was in one of these moods, but what movie to choose? How about one where it also goes by the title “Strippers vs. Zombies,”? Okay, I'm in.

Zombies Zombies Zombies follows a stripper named Harley on her first night at The Grindhouse strip club. She is incredibly awkward, but has a young daughter at home that she needs to support, so she must go through with the stripping. At the same time, Dr. Stewart is working on a cure for for cancer when he accidentally creates zombie-making crack rocks. A prostitute outside The Grindhouse smokes the necrodrugs and the flesh munching begins. Harley is joined by strippers Dallas, Dakota, Pandora, bouncer Chris, a few hookers and their pimp, Johnny “Backhand” Vegas to defend the strip club. Harley's brother Chris arrives to pick her up from the club and joins the fray. Johnny remembers hearing about the zombie creating drug so Chris and Dallas head to Dr. Stewart's lab to get the cure. Unfortunately, Dr. Stewart is killed by a zombie and Chris is accidentally injected with the cure. How will they be able to stop the zombies now that the cure is actually inside of Chris?

Well, at least the tips were good

You know right off the bat that this isn't intended to be an Oscar-winning movies. It's B (almost C) level all the way, but that's perfectly fine. Its strippers fighting zombies, simple as that. No need to get more complicated. Surprisingly, almost shockingly, there is not that much nudity in this movie. It focuses mainly on comedy and loads of blood and gore. There are some funny moments, like Johnny pimp slapping a bunch of zombies, a hockey rink named after John Romero, and a patron saying to a zombie “What the fuck are you looking at?” It's not exactly high-brow comedy, but its still good for a few chuckles. There is plenty of gory violence throughout, with most of the budget going to watery buckets of blood. The effects are slightly better than your average straight-to-DVD horror movie, with some effort put into anesthetics and makeup.

The story itself is pretty standard with noting new being brought to the table. Not much happens beyond strippers fighting zombies. The ending does scratch the surface of a good, depressing ending, but it's not treated as such by the characters, so what's the point? At least the zombies are the slow kind and not the sprinting kind that modern movies now use. All the ladies are very attractive, but their acting skills are less than stellar. I guess if they were going for “stupid stripper,” they all deserve awards, but I have a strong feeling that's not the case. 

Excuse me! That's my crotch you're rubbing against!

Zombies Zombies Zombies Strippers vs. Zombies does deliver what the title promises. It's a cheap horror comedy with some funny moments and plenty of cheap blood and guts. There's no mysteries when it comes to this movie, it's all in the title and cover. The story is simple and the acting is as fake as some of the stripper's body parts. If you're looking for a simple B-level horror movie, you could do far worse. You'll get a few laughs and see some zombies explode. Nothing wrong with that.

4.5/10