Day 359: Rare Exports

Rare Exports

Do not feed the Santa Claus

Happy Christmas Eve to all those who celebrate the holiday! If you don't, like me, Happy Tuesday Eve! 'Tis the season for gift-giving, face-stuffing, and terrible music. There are plenty of holiday horror movies out there, but Christmas seems to be the go-to holiday for horror. Most Christmas horror movies are slashers, which is a bit disappointing. Why not a vampire Christmas movie with Santa biting naughty children or a psychological horror Christmas movie where Santa plays mind games with bad kids. Actually, those sound like awesome movies. No one steal them! Trademark! Trademark!There's so many Christmas movies to chose from that I actually went in a different direction for today's review. Something a little colder. Something a little international.

Rare Exports is a Finnish Christmas horror movie written and directed by Jalmari Helander (Rare Exports Inc., Viimeinen Pisara). A man named Riley (Per Christian Ellefsen, Hotel Caesar, Elling) is leading a secretive excavation in the Korvatunturi mountains of the Finnish Laplands. His team drills deep into the mountain and discovers something strange: sawdust. Riley explains that people of the area would bury things in sawdust. He reveals that they are in fact on the largest burial mound in the world. As the crew digs deeper, young Pietari Kontio (Onni Tommila, Last Cowboy Standing, Eetu ja Konna) and his sort-of friend Jusso cut the fence surrounding the mountain and spy on the crew. Pietari thinks that they may have discovered Santa Claus, but Jusso makes fun of him. Pietari lives with his father Rauno (Jorma Tommila, Priest Of Evil, The Cradle), a butcher who is having difficulty raising his son alone. When the annual reindeer flock fail to show up in the village, Rauno, Pietari, Jusso, Jusso's father Piiparinen, and their friend Aimo discover hundreds of reindeer slaughtered right outside the fence surrounding the mountain. They blame Russian wolves for killing the reindeer and Pietari thinks it's his fault for cutting the fence. The men go up to the mountain and discover the crew is completely gone. Pietari is afraid that Santa Claus is now free and will come after him because he has been naughty. The next day, Rauno discovers that something has fallen into his wolf trap outside their home. It is not a wolf, but an old, naked man. With help from Aimo, Rauno brings him into his butcher shop and discovers that the an is an American named Brian Greene. Pietari sees the man and runs away, so Rauno has to give chase while Aimo watches the man. Pietari is picked up by the sheriff who is on his way to Piiparinen's home. A series of strange robberies have been occurring all over town, including heaters, hair driers, ovens, and now Piiparinen's potato sacks. Also, all the town's children are now missing. Back at the butcher shop, Aimo has his ear bitten by the old man. The three men and Pietari take the old man and try to ransom him to Riley. It is revealed that the old man is not alone as hundreds of similarly old, naked men surround them. They are, in fact, Santa's elves, who have kidnapped all the children and are thawing Santa out of his icy tomb. How will Pietari and the men stop Santa from awakening and spreading his reign of terror?

At least the kid likes hockey

Well, I wanted something different and I got something different. The concept of an evil Santa Claus isn't a new one as several countries traditions are steeped in Santa snatching up naughty children. Sounds like a great idea for a horror movie, right? Unfortunately, Rare Exports doesn't really focus on horror enough. There are a few scenes throughout that skirt the edges of horror, but never reach a full scary potential. Instead, we get a little bit of fantasy, action, and adventure. The story is decent, if a little predictable and moves at a quick pace. I was happy that movie is mostly in Finnish, with a little English thrown in. Finnish is such a unique language and was nice to hear rather than having a bad dub on top of it. The cold, snowy mountains of the Finnish Laplands are a beautiful, if bleak, backdrop for the film, truly giving the audience a sense of isolation and hopelessness. One strange thing in the movie that I noticed was that there are no women in the movie. Absolutely none. Why is that? Pietari doesn't have a mother and we're not given any explanation as to what happened. It's briefly touched upon, giving the movie some much needed emotion, but nothing more.

The biggest disappointment of the movie is that we never actually see Santa Claus. What a tease! Instead we get dirty, old naked men running around with pick axes and other weapons. Now, some people may enjoy that, and there's nothing wrong with that, but that's not the type of horror movie I was expecting. I would much rather have had an evil Santa terrorizing people, much like in Sint. Another issue I had with the movie is with the character of Pietari. He goes from the typically annoying kid in a horror movie and does a complete 180 into the hero. The switch comes pretty quickly and without much warning, making it hard to believe. In about 80 minutes, he goes from walking around in his undies and constantly ignoring his father to saving the entire world. At least give us an inkling that he is capable of saving the day. The movie has some humor, keeping things a bit lighter than I would have liked. 

Grandpa got into the box wine again

Rare Exports had a lot of potential, but didn't really live up to the good idea. There are some touches of horror, but nothing particularly thrilling or scary. There is a little bit of action, some adventure, and a bit of humor, all of which actually take away from what could have been a scary movie. I was greatly disappointed that we never actually see Santa in action. Instead, we get his old, naked elves. The movie does showcase the natural beauty of Finland and the uniqueness of the Finish language. If you're looking for a fun Christmas horror movie, I'd say look elsewhere. Rare Exports is probably good for people who don't want to watch Rudolph and Frosty, but still want something with a little holiday spirit. It's a decent movie, sans old naked men, but it's not a particularly good horror movie.

6/10

Day 342: Orphan

Orphan

Little Orphan AAAAHHHHnnie

Children are either annoying, stupid, or evil. Well, according to horror movies anyway. Rarely do you find a normal, well-adjusted kid in a scary movie. They're usually captured due to their stupidity or lag behind, forcing older characters to put themselves in dangerous situations. Most of the time, I end up cheering for the villain just to shut the kids up. When they're not being annoying or stupid, they're pure evil. Sometimes it's a supernatural evil, be it through possession or perhaps the spawn of Satan. Other times, they're just nasty little shitheads that like hurting things. We've all had one of these kids in our class growing up. I remember having two boys named Ryan in my class and I would always refer to them as “Good Ryan” and “Bad Ryan”. It's this believability in the “killer child” genre that makes it so effective and so scary.

Orphan is a 2009 horror movie starring Vera Farmiga (Source Code, Up In the Air) as Kate Coleman and Peter Sarsgaard (Garden State, Jarhead) as her husband John. Their third child is stillborn which causes strain on Kate and John's marriage. Despite having a young son Daniel and a hearing-impaired younger daughter named Maxine (Aryana Engineer, Resident Evil: Retribution), Kate and John feel the need to fill the void of their deceased child by adopting. They visit an orphanage where John immediately takes to a smart and talented 9-year old Russian girl named Esther (Isabelle Fuhrman, The Hunger Games, After Earth). Sister Abigail (CCH Pounder, Warehouse 13, The Shield) tells Kate and John about Esther, including that her previous family was killed in a mysterious fire. Max immediately takes to Esther while Daniel remains standoffish. As Esther becomes more adjusted to living with the family, Kate begins to notice strange things about Esther, such as her advanced knowledge of things far beyond her age. At school, Esther is bullied by another girl and freaks out when the girl tries to remove the ribbon that she always wears around her neck. One day on the playground, Esther shoves the girl off a slide, breaking her ankle in the process. Esther claims it was an accident and while John believes her, Kate does not. Sister Abigail calls Kate and warns her that bad things tend to happen when Esther is around. When Sister Abigail pays them a visit, Esther shoves Max in front of her car, causing her to crash. She then brutally beats Sister Abigail to death with a hammer and forces Max to help her hide the body. Kate's suspicion grows, but John still does not believe that there is anything to worry about. Daniel learns of Sister Abigail's death and Esther confronts him in his tree house. She sets the tree house on fire and Daniel has to jump out, seriously injuring himself. Kate eventually discovers that Esther came from a place called the Saarne Institute, which is in Estonia, not Russia. It is revealed that the Saarne Institute is not an orphanage but a mental institution. Who is Esther really and will Kate be able to stop her before it is too late?

She's going to stick her hand in warm water, isn't she? Monster!

Having a murderous child as your main villain is not the easiest thing to pull off. The biggest issue is believability. If you have a kid run around with a butcher knife and overpowering adults, it's just too unbelievable, even in the world of horror. Bloody Birthday is a good example of what not to do in a horror movie. Then you have the good, believable killer child movies like The Bad Seed, The Good Son, and to a lesser extent, The Brood. Orphan falls somewhere in the middle of good and bad killer kid movies. In the first half of the film, Esther's murders are varied and are done in such a way that the audience believes they could actually happen. They are played off like accidents and despite knowing that Esther is doing these things on purpose, we still want to believe her. The second half of the movie is where things tend to drift, from the unconventional to the hard to believe. Without spoiling anything, I enjoyed the twist revealing who Esther really is. It was unexpected, but still made sense for the most part. This is around the time, though, that the character becomes more like Jason Vorhees, culminating in a knock-down, drag-out fight. The scene where Esther tries to seduce John is purposely uncomfortable, and while it makes some sense in terms of the story, you can practically hear everyone in the movie squirm in their seats.

In order for these movies to work, the parents are required to be ignorant. In varying degrees, that's OK. Parents aren't always around to see what happens or are quick to defend their child. In Orphan, John is so unaware of what is going on I'm surprised he doesn't occasionally walk into walls. His willful ignorance is too much to bare at times. Perhaps part of my dislike with the character is Peter Sarsgaard's performance. He has a very soft, blase way about him that just never sits right with me. Vera Farmiga is decent enough in her role as the skeptical mother. The real stare is Isabelle Fuhrman as she is able to capture both a false sweetness in the beginning and a cold, methodical hatred towards the middle and end. The violence in the movie is actually pretty good with some nice blood and gore. The viciousness to which Esther commits her crimes is startling and effective. The movie has the standard scares and an occasionally creepiness. The run time of two hours is a bit too much to bear. To put things in perspective, Orphan is 123 minutes and The Shining is 146 minutes. 

M.C. Hammerkiller

Orphan is a decent horror movie that doesn't know when to quit. The first half is fairly entertaining thanks to the great performance by Isabelle Fuhrman and the unexpectedly brutal violence. The second half tends to drift into unbelievable territory which hurts the overall viewing experience. I found every adult in the movie to be fairly ignorant of the world around them creating some ridiculous moments. I wasn't a fan of Peter Sarsgaard's bored performance and was hoping he'd die quickly. The movie's run time is far too long and should have cut out at least twenty minutes. The surprise towards the end is good and the movie does a good job of not revealing it too quickly. While it's not the best killer child movie, Orphan has it's moments and is worth a watch just to see Isabelle Fuhrman own the entire movie.

6.5/10

Day 256: The Brood

The Brood

Hands up, baby, hands up!

I've reviewed a few David Cronenberg movies before and the major constant in each movie is physical transformation. We've seen it in The Fly and Videodrome with scary results. Cronenberg's mental and psychological transformations are matched to the physical thanks to fantastically graphic special effects. His capability to combine the gruesome special effects and tense atmosphere make for fun and scary horror movies. Can the same be said for a movie by Cronenberg that I had never really heard of?

The Brood is a 1979 horror movie starring Art Hindle (Paradise Falls, Dallas) as Frank Carveth. Frank's estranged wife Nola (Samantha Eggar, Hercules, Metalocalypse) has been receiving treatment from psychotherapist Hal Raglan (Oliver Reed, Gladiator, Tommy). Raglan runs the Somafree Institute where he performs an experimental form of therapy called “psychoplasmics”. Frank allows his five-year old daughter Candice to visit her mother at the institute and is shocked to find her covered in bruises. Frank informs Raglan of her injuries and tells him that he will no longer bring Candice to see her mother. Wanting to protect Nola and her progress, Raglan intensifies her sessions hoping to quickly solve her issues. He learns that Nola was abused by her mother and neglected by her father, leading to her current fragile mental state. Frank considers legal action against Raglan and seeks out a former patient of the doctor who claims the treatment gave him cancer. While meeting with the former patient, Candice stays with Nola's mother, Juliana. A crashing noise is heard in the kitchen and when Juliana goes to check, she is viciously attacked and murdered by what appears to be a dwarf or child. The police inform Frank of the murder and explain that Candice has been traumatized by the incident. Nola's father Barton returns to attend Juliana's funeral and tries to visit Nola. Raglan turns him away and Barton plans to take revenge on Raglan. While Frank goes to check on Barton, Candice's teacher Ruth Mayer stays at home to watch her. She answers the phone, which has Nola on the other line. Believing that Ruth is Frank's new love interest, Nola becomes enraged. Frank finds Barton murdered by the same small child from before. He confronts the child who dies during the altercation. An autopsy reveals the child has strange deformities such as being asexual, color blind, toothless, and without a navel, suggesting it was burn unnaturally. Raglan quickly closes Somafree, discharging all of the patients in order to focus only on Nola. When Candice returns to school, two dwarf-children kill Ruth and kidnap Candice, bringing her to Somafree. Frank learns from a discharged patient that Nola was Raglan's “queen bee” and the children live in a shed on the Somafree compound. When he arrives, Haglan explains to Frank that the dwarf children come from Nola, an accident byproduct of her psychplasmic sessions. She is telepathically linked to them as her rage causes them to kill. Will Frank be able to save his daughter and stop Nola before it's too late?

"But I don't wanna go to bed!"

The Brood is probably one of Cronenberg's more straight-forward films, but that doesn't mean it's your average horror movie. The movie is laid-out with a good mystery, giving the audience slow drips of information. While the slow reveal makes for a good mystery, it does feel a little too slow at times. Things don't really pick up until the first murder which does take a little while to get to. Any good mystery forces the audience to question just exactly what is happening on who is to blame and The Brood accomplishes this very well. The misdirection with Dr. Raglan is a good plot twist as for most of the movie, I suspected he was the villain. The slow build also creates a sense of horror and dread as the dwarf killers are slowly revealed. They make unnatural sounds and grunts which make the scenes more frantic and terrifying. We don't see them right away and their unnatural natural makes everything quite strange. The movie has a great, creepy atmosphere thanks in part to the usage of string musical flourishes. It's not quite the music from “Psycho”, but it's very close.

Most of the movie is all a build to the big reveal at the end and it is quite a reveal. As I mentioned before, most of Cronenberg's work involves physical transformation horror. Only until the very end did we see this signature plot device involving Nola and it's very disturbing. Without giving too much away, the scene is both gruesome and graphic, which forced the film to be censored in certain places. It earned the film a spot on Bravo's 100 Scariest Movie Moments. The movie has some very good, if a bit graphic, scenes of violence with a large amount of blood. Most of the special effects and makeup are used on the dwaves and on Nola at the end. Both look very good as both are natural-looking, but distorted just enough to make the audience uncomfortable. The acting is good and believable and Cronenberg is able to create characters the audience cares about. Samantha Eggar is particularly good at portraying Nola's frantic insanity. The movie doesn't quite reach the exploitation genre, but it skirts the area with the scenes of what appear to be children murdering adults. 

That smile could light up a room

The Brood is well-made, but there's just something about it that doesn't create that spark of greatness found in other Cronenberg movies. Maybe it's the straight-forward nature or the disconnected big reveal at the end that just didn't set my world on fire. The action and violence is good and the mystery is quite entertaining. There are some scary scenes, but I never felt overwhelmed with fear or suspense. The movie does contain the usual Cronenberg physical transformations, but they don't come until the end which was disappointing. The movie has it's good moments and is by no means bad, it just doesn't really reach the level of his future movies. It's a good introductory movie to David Cronenberg's work and worth a watch if you're new to him.

7/10

Day 158: Bloody Birthday

Bloody Birthday

If you want cake, raise a finger

Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday dear Jordan. Happy birthday to me. That's right, today, June 6^th is my birthday. I love you guys so much I don't even take my birthday off from writing a review. I could have picked a movie I loved (Dawn of the Dead) or a movie that is universally loved (Nosferatu), but instead I decided to go with a horror movie with “birthday” in the title. I can't help it, I have a weak spot for holiday-based horror movies. It seems like almost every holiday has a corresponding horror movie, though I don't think there's one for Martin Luther King Jr. Day or Arbor Day. In any event, I decided to celebrate my birthday with a birthday movie.

Blood Birthday is a 1981 horror movie about murders committed by three children. In 1970, three children, Curtis, Steven, and Debbie were born during a solar eclipse. Ten years later, all three begin to murder the adults in the small town of Meadowvale. They even go as far as killing their teacher and Debbie's dad, the town sheriff. They use bats, ropes, guns; anything that they can find to satiate their blood lust. Their classmate Timmy catches them in the act so they try to kill him by locking him in an old refrigerator at the junkyard. He escapes and tries to convince his older sister Lori that the three kids are murders. The three leave her a note posing as Timmy telling her he is in the junkyard. There, they try to run her over with a car, but she survives. Lori is an astrology enthusiast and tells Timmy that on the day of the eclipse, Saturn, which controls emotions, is blocked. That may explain why the three children are uncaring murderers. At their birthday party, one of the boys poisons one of the cakes in hopes of killing many of the partygoers. Lori stops him, but nobody believes that the children could kill anyone. Will Lori and Timmy be able to stop these pint-sized killers before it's too late?

Dennis the Menace gets real

When I came across a movie named Bloody Birthday, I expected something along the lines of April Fools Day or My Blood Valentine. You know, a slasher with a holiday theme. Not original, but fun in a nostalgic for the 80's sort of way. When I read the description about killer children, I thought maybe it would be like Village of the Damned or The Good Son. Instead, what I got was a movie about three little shitheads that easily get away with murdering a whole bunch of people with no entertainment value. There is barely a story in this movie beyond kids killing adults. The only explanation we get is they were born during an eclipse. That doesn't even count as an explanation. If that's the case, we have to assume that there's more killer children in the world because there's no way they were the only ones born at that time. It comes off as something that was thrown in at the last minute when they realize the story has no explanation. It's not like they had a long, thoughtful story planned out and just didn't have time to explain things. Seriously, these kids just kill people for about 80 minutes and not in a fun, slasher sort of way. I'm willing to suspend my disbelief, but this is just too far-fetched.

The movie does have action and a bit of excitement as long as you don't think about it for too long. For being such a violent movie, there is a shocking lack of blood and gore. The sheriff's head gets bashed with a baseball bat, but when he's shown on the ground, it doesn't even look like his hair is out of place. The acting is passable and I really wanted to bash these evil little kids. I guess that's a sign of good acting? I'm not really sure. Despite being made in the early 80's the quality of the film is pretty fuzzy and isn't helped by bad directing and editing. I'm pretty sure there was one part in the movie where the audio was so out of place that I think another movie's audio somehow made it in to this one. 

 Clearly, they're evil little assholes

For a movie named Bloody Birthday, there sure wasn't a lot of birthdaying going on. There is almost no plot and the story that does exist is not very good of convincing. The is a good amount of action and violence, but not anywhere near the amount of blood needed to make the movie fun. I should have done myself a favor and watched a movie I liked. Bloody Birthday is a bloody waste of time.

 

2/10

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Day 141: Children of the Corn

Children of the Corn

Life is Peachy

Stephen King is one of the master's of horror. I don't think there is much debate on that. Stories like It, The Tommyknockers, Salem's Lot, Cujo, and Misery all have their place in the literary and horror world. Sometimes they are great, but sometimes they don't translate well on screen and we're left with good ideas and bad execution. It's not King's fault, some ideas are just better on the page than in motion. Would the same be said for Children of the Corn?

Children of the Corn is a 1984 horror movie based on the short story by Stephen King. It stars Peter Horton (2 Days In The Valley, Grey's Anatomy) as Burt and Linda Hamilton (Terminator, Dante's Peak) as his wife, Vicky. The movie begins with a flashback in the small Nebraska town of Gatlin as told from the point of view of a little boy named Job (Robby Kiger, The Monster Squad). The children of the town rise up and brutally murder all of the adults in town. Cut to three years later, where Burt and Linda are driving towards Seattle for Burt's new job in the medical field. They take the back roads in Nebraska and accidentally hit a young boy standing in the road. Burt inspects him and discovers that the boy had already been killed prior to the car accident. They end up in the supposedly deserted town of Gatlin, trying to find help or a working phone. They come across a little girl named Sara, Job's sister, who has the ability to draw pictures of future events. While Burt goes into to town looking for a working phone, Vicky stays with Sara, who draws a picture of Vicky being tortured in a corn field. Led by Malachi, the most violent of the young people, a group captures Vicky and brings her out to the corn field. The children are being led by a boy preacher by the name of Issac. He talks of sacrificing Vicky and Burt to He Who Walks Behind The Rows. An argument ensues, and Malachi overthrows Issac. Meanwhile, Burt walks into the town church to find a bizarre ritual in which a young man is celebrating his birthday by carving a pentagram in his chest. Burt flees, pursued by the town's children, and discovers that Vicky has gone missing. Aided by Job and Sara, Burt must find a way to free Vicky and stop the fanatical and homicidal children. Who or what is He Who Walks Behind the Rows and will Burt be able to stop it?

Jesus, this won't end well

Children of the Corn is a pretty original idea when it comes to the horror genre. Evil children have been used in earlier horror movies, such as in The Omen and Village of the Damned. The difference with those movies and this one is that the children in Children of the Corn are still human. They don't have supernatural powers or are possessed by demons. For all intensive purposes, they are normal kids. Normal kids that have been overwhelmed and corrupted with a religious fervor that has convinced them to kill all the adults in town. The overall theme of religion and fanaticism is pretty strong throughout the movie, which creates a fun and scary atmosphere.

I appreciate that the story takes place all in one day, but it feels like certain scenes are stretched out a bit too long. It takes some willing suspension of disbelief to accept that Burt and Vicky keep wandering around this clearly creepy town looking for a phone. There is a good amount of action with some blood, but I could have used more. I also would have liked the movie to go more in depth when it comes to the “cleansing” of the town's adults. We really only see this in the opening scene of the movie. A few flashbacks would have really upped the violence, which would have created an even more terrifying experience. In terms of He Who Walks Behind The Rows, he isn't alluded to enough in my opinion and when he is finally revealed, the effects are a bit laughable. The acting is good throughout and the direction is competent.

Originally, I was going to review the movie right after I finished watching it, but I'm glad I waited and let the movie sink in a bit more. On the surface, it's a fun horror movie with a lot of action. Upon further inspection, though, there are a lot of unanswered questions. Where did He Who Walks Behind The Rows come from? Why was he in Nebraska? How have these kids been able to survive for so long? Has no one else come through this town in three years, like a mailman or something? No one called a loved one and realized people were missing? I know I'm seeing this from 2012 eyes from a movie made in the early 80's, but still, it takes a lot to ignore some of these questions. 

Only an evil child would wear a hat like that

Overall, it's still an exciting and fun movie to watch. The kids are pretty creepy, which makes everything more believable. I've spent time in Iowa, so the entire movie reminded me of my less than pleasurable experience living among corn and religious people. Despite some plot problems, Children Of The Corn is worth your time.

7/10