Hard Rock Zombies

Hard Rock Zombies

Rock and Roll will never die

Horror may be the only film genre where bad movies are just as beloved as the good ones. Oh sure, there’s a few terrible Sci-Fi movies out there that are loved (thanks to Mystery Science Theater 3000), but not on the same level as horror. Genres like romance, western, war, thriller and the like don’t have the same affinity for terrible movies. Why horror? I suppose if you like the genre, you already have a bit of a warped sense of humor as compared to the mainstream. Of course, it’s important to know the difference between “it’s so bad, it’s good” and “it’s so bad I want to pull my eyeballs out with an ice cream scoop”.

Hard Rock Zombies is a 1985 zombie movie E.J. Curse (Bones, Rules of Engagement) as Jessie, the lead singer of an up-and-coming hair metal band. The band travels to the small coastal town of Grand Guignol to play a concert for a record producer. Along the way, they pick up a beautiful hitchhiker named Elsa (Eyes of the Serpent, Molested) who invites them to stay at her family’s mansion. The family consists of Elsa, her elderly grandparents, her brother (it’s not clear), a groundskeeper, and two “little people”, one with an eye patch and one suffering some sort of unexplained deformity. Unbeknownst to the band, Elsa recently drowned two men while her family members watched with glee. While in town, the band’s antics, which includes skateboarding and miming (seriously), raises the ire of the locals. Enraged by these events, the town bans the band from playing. Meanwhile, Jessie starts to fall for a young girl of indeterminate age from town named Cassie (Jennifer Coe) who had originally warned him not to come to Grand Guignol. Instead of playing in town, the band performs at the mansion for the sadistic family. The band is electrocuted mid-set, but survives. Later that night, the family murders each member of the band, leaving only their manager alive who was in town trying to secure a venue for the band. When he returns, the grandfather reveals himself to actually be Hitler (yes, really) who is still bent on world destruction. Cassie resurrects the band, turning them into the living dead, who quickly gain revenge on the murderous Nazi family. Unfortunately, the family is also turned into zombies who begin to wreak havoc on the townspeople. How will the hard rock zombies be able to stop the zombie Nazis and what will happen when the record producer comes to see their show?

Y-M-C-BRAAAAAIIINNNNSSSSS!

Does that sound like a good movie to you? No. Of course not. Does it sound like a movie “so bad, it’s good”. Don’t say “yes” because it wasn’t. The entire film is a comedy of errors. From a technical standpoint, many scenes are too dark, the music is occasionally so loud that it drowns out dialogue, mics creep into shots, the inexplicable scenes of the band cavorting around town like extras from a Dexys Midnight Runners video and the even more inexplicable scenes of Elsa dancing. The exclamation point comes when writer/director Krishna Shah’s (American Drive-In, Shalimar) name is spelled incorrectly in the credits.

Yep. That’s a mic at the top of the frame.

Of course, the technical errors can’t even compare to this viral outbreak of story. I wasn’t trying to be lazy or vague in my rundown of the movie above. I genuinely couldn’t remember characters names or even the name of the band. It doesn’t really matter. It’s not like it had much of an impact on the story.

Not pictured: Story

Speaking of story, I have eight words: who, where, when, why, and what the fuck? With bad horror movies, you can usually see a kernel of a good idea hidden beneath the layers of garbage. I couldn’t find that kernel in Hard Rock Zombies. It’s as if someone had an idea board and threw three darts that happened to land on “zombies” “music” and “Hitler”. And to make things worse, all three of those things are executed poorly.
When the band becomes zombies, the do this herky-jerky walk-dance that looks like a cross between The Robot and rigor mortis setting in. And they can still do normal everyday things like drive and play their instruments. Sure. Why not? In terms of music, “hard rock” is a huge misnomer. The band’s songs are the musical equivalent of marshmallows. Yeah, it’s catchy, but so is the flu. And Hitler? This came from out of nowhere and managed to make a story about musician zombies even stupider. And why did he reveal himself? And what’s the deal with the deformed little person? And is Eva Braun a werewolf or does she just wear a werewolf mask? Nothing is particularly clear and just when you think things get weirder, things get weirder. All of this makes me want to curl up in a ball under the kitchen table, eating nothing but sugar packets until my arteries caramelize.

Sadly, the Hair Metal Helmet never took off.

One would think that the basis of the movie would be the band gaining revenge on the family. That makes sense, right? Well, making sense took a vacation with this movie. The family is killed in less than ten minutes of the bands’ demise. Why not have that be the rest of the film? Maybe you think I’m being too hard on this movie, but you didn’t have to sit through it. I’m definitely stupider for having done so. If it was supposed to be a straight horror film, it failed. If it was supposed to be a comedy film, it failed.

People that like this movie dress up their kids as Ash from Army of Darkness. People that like this movie then tweet those pictures to Bruce Campbell for his approval. People that like this movie see nothing wrong with the insanity of the “ghost rape” storyline in American Horror Story. People that like this movie invite dates over to watch Human Centipede. People that like this movie get hot dogs at the movie theater. People that like this movie use the bathroom stall next to you even though there’s a bunch open. People that like this movie own a “Keep Calm” shirt. People that like this movie take a full shopping cart to the self-checkout line. People that like this movie use Uber just because it’s raining. People that like this movie really want you to read Ron Paul’s books. People that like this movie get lunch from Dunkin Donuts every day.

(If any of that offended you, please leave lots of rage comments and post a link to this review everywhere. I get more views that way.)

 

“Ssssssssmmmoooookin!”

The story is bad, the acting is bad, the humor is bad, and the music is bad. What I’m really trying to say is that Hard Rock Zombies is bad and now I feel bad for having watched it. It’s not bad in a good way. It’s just plain bad.

Hard Rock Zombies is available in it’s entirety on Youtube (but you shouldn’t watch it).

1/10

Day 343: The Unborn

The Unborn

Evil is such a perv

Happy Hanukkah everyone! Even if you don't observe the Festival Of Lights, 'tis the season for joy, happiness and all that other good stuff. Light the candles, spin the dreidel and enjoy some tasty latkes. The thing about the holiday season and horror is that there are a ton of Christmas movies and zero about Hanukkah. Honestly, how many times can you make a movie about a murderous Santa Claus? Don't worry, I'll be reviewing some of those as we get closer to Christmas. While there are no Hanukkah horror movies, there are a few that focus on Judaism and Jewish mysticism. There's The Keep, The Golem, The Possessed, and today's movie, The Unborn. L'chaim!

The Unborn is a 2009 supernatural horror movie starring Odette Yustman (Cloverfield, October Road) as Casey Beldon. Casey has a bizarre dream in which a deceased-looking little boy with blue eyes is following her. The boy then turns into a dog which leads her into the woods where she discovers a fetus buried in the ground. The dream disturbs her, but she tries to forget about it. That night while babysitting her neighbor's kids, Casey finds the young son Matty holding a mirror up to the baby. He then hits Casey with the mirror before telling her “Jumby wants to be born now”. She is shocked by the strange incident and she has trouble trying to move on from what Matty said. She begins to have strange and very real hallucinations of the boy from her dream coming to get her. One day at school, Casey's friend Romee (Meagan Good, Stomp The Yard, D.E.B.S.) notices that one of Casey's eyes is changing color. She visits a doctor who says her condition is common among twins despite Casey being an only child. When she confronts her father, he reveals that she did indeed have a twin brother who died in the womb and that her mother had nicknamed him Jumby. While going through her mother's thing (her mother committed suicide some years ago), she discovers an article about a Holocaust survivor named Sofi Kozma (Jane Alexander, The Great White Hope, Testament) who has experience with the supernatural. After initially rebuffing Casey, Sofi reveals that she is Casey's grandmother. When she was a little girl, Sofi and her twin brother were experimented on at Auschwitz during World War II. The Nazis were trying to turn brown eyes blue when Sofi's brother was killed, only to arise two days later. Sofi believed her brother was now possessed by a dybbuk (a malevolent spirit) looking to cross over into the world of the living. She killed her brother, but the dybbuk continued to haunt her, trying to come into our world through her daughter, Casey's mother. Casey reaches out to Rabbi Sendak (Gary Oldman, Air Force One, Batman Begins) to perform an exorcism and rid the world of the dybbuk. At the same time, the dybbuk begins to kill those around Casey including Sofi and Romee. Will Casey and Rabbi Sendak be able to perform the exorcism before it's too late?

Dybbuk needs braces and a good cleanser

Exorcism movies tend to blend together because of their strong Christian/Catholic themes and overtones. There are crucifixes, holy water, “The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost” and usually a priest suffering from some sort of crisis of faith. You've seen one exorcism movies, you've seen them all, right? The Unborn has none of that, though, instead focusing on Jewish mysticism, Hebrew prayers, and symbols such as the Hand Of Miriam. Just by being different, The Unborn manages to be at least semi-interesting for most of the time. Of course, once you get beyond the Judaism angle, it's pretty obvious that The Unborn is still your typical exorcism movie. The movie does try to be different by throwing in a little bit of history with Sofi and the Nazi experiments in Auschwitz, but it actually makes the story messier. Not enough time is given to the experiments as they're quickly glossed over. The movie has an almost too-fast pace, rushing from scene to scene where a little more introspection and background would have created more likable characters and a better story. Writer/director David Goyer (Blade, Man Of Steel) has some good ideas and a fairly decent grasp on what he is writing about, the execution is off. The revelation of a twin brother came within the first 20 minutes when it should have been dragged out much further. And what's the deal with the nickname “Jumby”? At first, I thought they were talking about Jambi from Pee Wee's Playhouse. “Mecca Lecca High, Mecca Hiney Ho” indeed.

The Unborn relies mostly of jump-at-you moments and quick sound swells for scares. It's good for a few jolts, but since the movie is PG-13, don't expect anything particularly shocking or horrifying. The most effective scares are when people (and one animal) have twisted body parts and move in an inhuman way. Like the spider walk and the head turning in The Exorcist, it's these unnatural movements that stick with you the most. There are some decent special effects and the movie has a slick look to it, thanks in part to being produced by Michael Bay and his Platinum Dunes production company. There's some action throughout, but nothing major. The acting in the movie is passable with no one putting in a particularly great performance. Jane Alexander and Gary Oldman are both fine, but aren't in the movie for very long. Odette Yustman is OK and I have no real complaints, although it would have been nice if the main role went to a Jewish actress, just from a story standpoint. 

"Shabbat Shalom, you evil dybbuk bastard!"

It was refreshing to see a supernatural exorcism movie focusing on Judaism instead of Catholicism. It breaks from the usual cliches and creates something different for the audience to focus on. Despite the different background, though, The Unborn is just your typical exorcism movie. There are some cheap scares and some decent special effects, but the PG-13 rating keeps the movie from being truly scary. The movie has some believability issues and the rushed background information makes the story messier than it has to be. The acting is fine and the story has some good ideas, but it's just not enough to pull everything together. The subject matter for The Unborn is suited for a slightly more mature crowd, but the movie itself is better off at a teenage slumber party than with hardcore horror fans.

5/10

Day 296: The Devil's Rock

The Devil's Rock

The Angel's Roll

I've said it before, but it is worth repeating: There just aren't that many war-based horror movies. Sure, they exist, but compared to something like “babysitter slashers”, it's not even close. When it comes to war horror, most tend to be set during World War II. While I'd like to see a horror movie take place during the American Revolution or, say, The Peloponnesian War, WWII does offer a lot more room for creativity and variety. You can have various nationalities and locations in the movie without being historically inaccurate. Of course, these movies tend to blend together, so it's important to separate them with the horror itself. Some of these WWII horror movies have had zombies, ghosts, and for today's review, a shape-shifting demon.

The Devil's Rock is a 2011 supernatural horror movie from New Zealand. The movie stars Craig Hall (30 Days Of Night, The Water Horse) as Captain Ben Grogan, a New Zealand soldier on a sabotage mission one day before the Allied invasion of Normandy. Joined by Sergeant Joe Tane (Karlos Drinkwater), the two soldiers land on Forau Island to destroy a bunker and distract Nazi forces while the invasion begins. They hear a woman screaming inside the bunker and are surprised to see a Nazi soldier coming towards them, asking for help. Ben stabs him in the back and makes his way into the bunker. They are surprised to find the bunker empty except for the mutilated corpses of German soldiers. Joe discovers book of black magic and while he is distracted, is shot. Ben hears the gunfire and when he reaches Joe, he is knocked out. He awakens to discover that he has been bound by Colonel Meyer (Matthew Sunderland, Out Of The Blue, Stringer), who begins torturing him for information. Eventually, Ben escapes and chases Meyer through a series of tunnels and shoots him. He discovers a room covered in occult symbols and finds the source of the screams. He is shocked to discover that the woman screaming is his dead wife, Helena (Gina Varela, The Market, Xena: Warrior Princess). An injured Meyer shoots Ben in the leg and then shoots Helena in the head. He explains that she is really a shape-shifting demon, conjured up by the Nazis to use as a weapon. As proof, Meyer offers a still-alive Helena the leg of a dead German soldier. As she begins feasting, she reverts to her true demonic form. Can Ben trust Meyer in order to rid the world of this demon, before she manages to free herself?

"Do I have something in my nose?"

Zzzzzzzzzz. Oh, I'm sorry. I could barely keep my eyes open typing out that plot. If you couldn't tell, I found The Devil's Rock to be very boring. If I wanted to be lazy, I could have easily written just 3 sentences for the entire story and it would have essentially been just as good as the previous paragraph. There isn't much to the story beyond soldier finds demon who looks like his wife and can he trust this Nazi. The movie lacks any suspense, making the hour and a half feel like a marathon to watch. Without the suspense, what's the point of watching? Having a small cast doesn't help either. We know neither Ben nor Meyer can die too early, otherwise where is the conflict or the character foil? I never completely buy the demon's ability to persuade Ben other than just looking like his wife. Speaking of looks, when the demon's true form is revealed, I almost laughed out loud. Quick, think of what a cartoon devil looks like. That's how the demon in The Devil's Rock looked like. Of course, she was naked, but still, a cliché down to the rubber horns and bright red skin.

Seriously, where's your plastic pitchfork?

There is some action in the movie, but not as much as you'd expect from a movie set the day before D-Day. Most of the movie is filled with talking which was often too quite for me to fully hear, despite cranking up the volume. I was rewarded for my efforts to hear by having my eardrums blasted with insanely loud screams intermittently placed throughout the movie. I will say that the movie did put more effort into being historically accurate than most war-based horror movies. There is quite a lot of gore and blood, though we only see the aftermath of violence. Why not show us the goods? I mean, the makeup and prosthetics look great, but it would have made the movie far more entertaining to see the demon inflict violence on the Nazis. Everyone can enjoy that. There are references to actual events during the war and the movie is sure to include facts of New Zealanders fighting in the war. I can't say that I've ever seen a movie from New Zealand (Lord Of The Rings doesn't count) so it was neat to see a horror movie from a different perspective. Unfortunately, this movie is neither scary nor entertaining. 

No thanks. I already ate.

The Devil's Rock is a mediocre story that lacks that suspense to make it a good watch. There is not much in the way of character development or story progression. It lacks the proper amount of violence, especially considering the amount of gore we see. Seeing the violence would have made the movie more entertaining and would have created more suspense. Instead, we get a lot of dialogue, some of which is inaudible, and some screaming. The demon's true form looks ridiculous and would have been far more effective if they only hinted at what it looked like. It's nice that they made the effort to be historically accurate and to mention the efforts of New Zealanders during the war. Beyond being a horror film from New Zealand, The Devil's Rock has nothing else going for it.

3/10

Day 182: Dead Snow

Dead Snow

Oh, don't look so shocked

Zombies? Check. Nazis? Check. Zombie Nazis? Double check. It’s a particularly new idea since we’ve had Nazis zombies before in movies such as Zombie Lake, The Treasure of the Living Dead, Shockwaves, and even Rob Zombie’s animated movie, The Haunted World of El Superbeasto, has them. Despite existing in one form or another in horror, Nazi zombies have been, until recently, an underutilized subgenre monster. In the past few years, there has been a small explosion of Nazi zombie-related media, from video games to references in songs like Monster Magnet’s excellent “Wall of Fire”. Sure, we Americans have done the Nazi zombie thing before, but how about another country, not necessarily known for their horror movies? How about Norway?

Dead Snow is a 2009 Norwegian zombie movie directed by Tommy Wirkola (Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, Kill Buljo). Seven medical students (Martin, Roy, Hanna, Vegard, Liv, Chris, and Ereland celebrate their Easter vacation in a small cabin on a remote, snow-covered mountain. They drink and party while waiting for their friend Sara, who decided to trek across the mountain instead, to arrive. They hear a noise outside and think Sara has arrived, but are met by a mysterious stranger. He tells them that during World War II, the region was occupied by the Einsatzgruppen, an SS death squad, led by Oberst Herzog. For three years, the Nazis abused and tortured the local villagers. Towards the end of the war with the Russians closing in, the Nazis looted all the gold and silver they could find. Finally, the villagers rose up, killing Nazis and driving Herzog and the remaining survivors into the forest. The stranger departs and is soon murdered in his tent by an unknown assailant. The next morning, Vegard takes the only snowmobile out to find Sara, who, unknown to the group, has also been killed. The partying continues until Chris is attacked and killed. The cabin is swarmed by Nazi zombies trying to get in. They kill Ereland by crushing his head until his brain literally pops out. Meanwhile, Vegard discovers the Nazis secret cave where he find’s Sara’s severed head. He fights off a few zombies and is able to steal their machine gun. In the morning, Martin and Roy create a distraction while Hanna and Liv try to make a run for the car, which is somewhere towards the bottom of the mountain. Will they be able to survive again an army of undead Nazis?

Shabbat shalom!

It’s always nice to see a horror movie from a country other than the United States, Canada, or Japan. As an American, I like to see how storytelling is done elsewhere in the world and how it differs. It’s good to see these movies inject their own culture and ideals which makes for an interesting watch. Dead Snow, though, comes off somewhat as a tribute to American horror movies. The cabin looks similar to the one in Evil Dead, the zombies attacking the cabin reminds me of Night of the Living Dead, and a scene where Martin and Roy grab weapons harkens back to Army of Darkness. Ereland is a big movie fan and frequently quotes American movies such as Die Hard and The Terminator. The way the story is laid out and progresses, it is very close to your typical American horror movies. When I watch a foreign movie, I want to see what they can bring to the table, not how much the writers like American movies.

Speaking of story, Dead Snow focuses more on fun over-the-top violence and loads of gore than plot and character progression. Unfortunately, that doesn’t really begin until about 45 minutes into the movie. Everything is just a lead-to that point, but it’s a little boring. It was nice to see a story with some historical context in a European country, but they completely ignore the fact that Norway had their own SS division. There were Norwegian resistance fighters during the war as well, but perhaps they did not want to bring up too much history for a simple zombie movie. 

Stop! Hammer time!

Dead Snow also tries to go for a lot of questionable humor. There’s a scene where Ereland and Chris have sex in an outhouse. IN AN OUTHOUSE SECONDS AFTER ERELAND HAS USED IT. Please tell me that’s not a regional thing. Nothing says “Let’s make love” than an occupied shithouse. I guess it was a joke because Dead Snow tries for a lot of humor which isn’t particularly funny. You might crack a smile or chuckle, but nothing is good for a real laugh. They try to force humor when they didn’t have to. In one scene, Roy uses a hammer and sickle to kill a Nazi. That subtlety is funnier than just about any joke or reference. 

This excited a really small and really gross group of people

The movie does succeed in the violence and blood category. The deaths are creative and some take a bit of willing suspension of disbelief, but they’re still fun to watch. Dead Snow has tons of blood and the prop department must have cleared out a butcher because there is a large amount of intestines being pulled, ripped, squished, and eaten. The zombie makeup looks good and the uniforms are spot-on. The action is entertaining and keeps things interesting. The zombies are fast and pretty agile, which is a little disappointing for people who prefer the Romero-style lurching zombies, but for the movie’s purposes, it makes sense. The natural beauty and scenery is captured well and makes me want to book a trip to Scandinavia. I’ll just have to avoid all the black metal fans.

I had high hopes for Dead Snow, perhaps too high. The violence and gore is a lot of fun and executed very well. The killings are creative and keep the audience excited. There is not much in the way of story which takes away our connection with what is going on. The American horror worship may be fun for some, but I was hoping for a more unique, regional take on zombies which I didn’t get. There is questionable humor throughout and it takes away from what story does exist. If you like lots of blood and guts, you’ll really enjoy Dead Snow. If you’re looking for something a little deeper, you’ll have to keep digging.

6.5/10

Day 22: Below

Below

Below me

I'm not really a fan of U-boats and submarines. I always feel cramped and claustrophobic when watching movies that involve going underwater. I like the movies themselves, but I can't help but feel like the walls are closing in on me and air is running out. Throw some haunting in and you've got Below.

Below stars Matthew Davis (Legally Blonde, Pearl Harbor) as World War II Naval officer Odell aboard the USS Tiger Shark. The crew receive a distress call and pick up 3 survivors from a sinking British hospital ship. One of the survivors turns out to be a German and Officer Brice (Bruce Greenwood. I, Robot, Star Trek) shoots him. Strange happenings being to occur on the boat; strange sounds, disturbing images, and malfunctions soon cripple the boat and the crew. It is revealed that Brice gave the order to fire on a boat that he thought was German, but it turned out to be a British hospital ship. His commanding officer, Captain Winters, tried to rescue the British survivors, but Brice and the other officers killed him to keep their secret. Now, through supernatural forces, the boat is heading back to the spot of the boat sinking. How will Odell and the renaming crew survive?

I call them hoagies, not submarines

Below is really on the fringes of the horror genre. There is some haunting going on and a few flashes of something supernatural, but most of the movie lies in the suspense section. A sinking boat, exploding engines, and a lack of oxygen are the real villains in the movie. The ghost is more window dressing than anything else. I'm not really sure I can even call it a ghost. Narrow corridors and tight spaces make the viewer feel like they are right there in the boat along with the characters.

There are a few moments that make you jump, but the movie wouldn't be classified as “scary”. Most of the fear comes from the psychological terror of being stuck in small spaces while sinking to the bottom of the ocean. Acting is fairly good all around, helped by smaller roles from Zach Galifianakis, Scott Foley, and Andrew Howard. There are some effects, but most are used for underwater scenes and not supernatural ones. The movie is about an hour and forty minutes long and it certainly feels like it. Its slow, but it doesn't really drag too much.

You sunk my haunted battleship

Below is a good suspense movie, but a so-so horror movie. It is closer to movies like U-571 and K-19: The Widowmaker than Poltergeist and The Amityville Horror. Thankfully it wasn't cartoonish like Ghost Ship. A decent WWII story with good acting and a good supporting cast make the entire movie watchable. If you're looking for a scare, Below will not help you. If you're looking for a WWII movie, you're in luck.

6/10