Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare

Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare

This may or may not be the new Manowar album art

 
There is nothing inherently wrong with making a low-budget horror movie. There is something wrong with making a low-budget horror movie when the same person writes, produces, provides the music, and acts in the lead role.

Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare (originally titled The Edge of Hell) is a 1987 horror movie starring Jon Mikl Thor (Zombie Nightmare, 80’s metal band Thor) as John Triton, lead singer of the band Triton. Triton, along with their girlfriends and manager, have driven out to an isolated barn house to record new music. Unbeknownst to them, a family was mysteriously murdered several years before by an evil force. After a mediocre recording session, various monsters begin appearing in the house. One by one, the band becomes possessed by the evil presence and their personalities start to change. On the bright side, the band sounds better than ever. Unfortunately, the good times end as everyone in the house disappears, leaving John as the sole member still alive. The evil spirit finally reveals it’s true form, that of the Devil himself! How will John be able to defeat the Prince of Darkness?

And who knew the Devil was so adorable?

Calling Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare a vanity project for Jon Mikl Thor doesn’t do the term justice. He’s the writer, producer, and lead acting role. To the surprise of no one, Thor is not good at all three of these things. The movie cost a little over $50,000 to make, a paltry sum for a horror movie that includes multiple monsters. You may be surprised to find out that the movie took a week to film. If I had to guess, I would’ve said it took a solid afternoon.

In terms of acting, you have your standard c-level horror movie crappiness. The director purportedly hired some of his friends to act and I completely believe that. Lines are delivered poorly, usually with a lack of proper emotion or projection. I think Thor knew he wasn’t much of an actor, because despite being the hero of the movie, he actually isn’t in it all that much. There are times throughout the movie where the dialogue is drowned out by music.

This next one is called “Cocaine Titty Explosion”!

Speaking of music, Thor manages to cram in as much of his as possible. If we’re being honest, it’s not that bad. It straddles the line between hair metal and late 70’s cock rock. I’m not a fan of either genre, but the music manages to be tolerable, bordering on enjoyable at times. Probably because it distracts from the poor acting and lack of story. Beyond the metal music, Rock N Roll Nightmare also injects cheap Casio keyboard hits that would make Varg Vikernes nether regions tingle like the first time he read Mein Kampf. The cheap keyboard music pops up at random times throughout the movie and consistently made me laugh. Probably not what they were going for.

On top of all that, Thor is the main image on the poster. He beats out the Devil for top billing! He’s practically saying “Out of the way, Beezlebro, I gotta flex these pecs! You may bring the lightning, but I’ve got the thunder! Drink it in! UGGGHHHHH!” To be fair, when you’re a former bodybuilder that writes like Helen Keller after a night of heavy drinking, you might as well pose as much as possible. And pose he does. The final battle between John and the Devil is a chance for Thor to take off his shirt, put on some sort of chain-mail loincloth and do his best Mr. USA poses. Think I’m kidding? Look at this picture:

I call this look "Brown Steel"

With all of these things out of the way, what about the story? Well, there isn’t much story. There really isn’t much build or anticipation. Things just kind of happen and then we move on. The demons/monsters are Halloween store surplus. The Devil is downright adorable. And this guy? Subtlely was thrown out of the window into a dump truck filled with rat tracks. It’s literally a one-eyed penis-shaped monster. What else can you say? I mean, besides “What in the throbbing purple fuck?!”

Funny caption not necessary

 I won’t spoil the big twist, but it comes out of nowhere and makes very, very little sense. It actually causes more plotholes than fills them in. It does lead to one of the best fight scenes since Roddy Piper vs. Keith Davis in “They Live”. It’s less a find and more of a “John makes funny faces while holding the arms of the paper mache Devil. And it goes on for 10 minutes!

Oh sure, you love Slim Jims, but you don’t want to see what they’re made from.

Rock N Roll Nightmare is a funhouse mirror in Jon Mikl Thor’s world where he is the best at everything. Really, though, can you be annoyed by a movie this goofy and inept? Yeah, you can. With a group of friends Rock N Roll Nightmare can be a good time. It’s poorly acted, poorly written, and downright silly. It’s absolutely fun to laugh at and can be enjoyable if treated as such. But as a genuine horror movie? It’s woefully and hysterically bad. And may you be in Heaven half an hour before the Devil knows you’re flexing.

3.5/10

Trick Or Treat

Trick Or Treat

Judging by the poster, I'll choose neither

High school is a hellish time for just about everyone. We’ve all had to deal with bad grades, homework, unrequited love, bullies, and the killer ghosts of satanic heavy metal icons. What, you didn’t have to deal with that last one?

I always cringe when I hear someone say that high school was the best time of their life. Really? Was it the delicious school lunches of cardboard and ketchup pizza? Was it being forced to sit through useless class after useless class being taught by someone who stopped caring 5 years before you were born? Those people peaked early. They’re the same goofs that wear their Varsity jackets and add current high schools on Facebook. More often than not, those people were also bullies. The point is, high school is no fun which is why it’s the basis for many horror movies. Just off the top of my head, I can think of Horror High, Carrie, The Craft, and Prom Night all revolving around high school. All three also involve revenge on bullies. Sounds like a theme, huh?

Trick or Treat is a 1986 supernatural horror movie starring Marc Price (Family Ties, The Rescue) as high-schooler Eddie Weinbauer. Eddie is an outcast in school and is consistently being tortured by bully Tim Hainey (Doug Savant, Melrose Place, 24). His one escape is through his love of heavy metal. Eddie consistently writes to his hero, Sammi Curr (Tony Fields, Across the Moon, Santa Barbara) his favorite musician who also went to the same high school as Eddie. Sammi is killed in a mysterious fire leaving Eddie completely devastated. He visits his friend Nuke (Gene Simmons from KISS), a DJ at the local radio station. To help Eddie deal with his grief, Nuke gives him the demo record of Curr’s unreleased last album “Songs In The Key Of Death”. Nuke also informs Eddie that he plans to play the album at midnight on Halloween. While listening to the album, Eddie has a strange vision of a building on fire and Sammi sitting in what appears to be some sort of satanic ritual. He then hears that the record is skipping and that hidden lyrics seem to be directly addressing him. Eddie begins to follow the instructions from the record, taking revenge on Tim. Standing up to his bully, Eddie is filled with a new confidence and begins a friendship with popular girl Leslie (Lisa Orgolini, Born To Ride, Satlin). As time goes on, Eddie realizes that Sammi Curr is actually speaking to him from beyond the grave via the record. Sammi’s evil plans are soon revealed and before Eddie can stop him, an electrical surge reincarnates Sammi, complete with electric powers. Will Eddie and Leslie be able to stop Sammi before his music is broadcast for the entire world to hear?

And what does his hand taste like?

On the surface, Trick Or Treat is a fun, if somewhat goofy horror movie. It initially hits on the misfit teenager being bullied and wanting revenge trope pretty well. Almost a little too well, in fact. Eddie’s humiliation and torture is so great that if you take out the movie’s camp and put in some ambient music, the first 20 minutes of the movie could be very depressing. Combine this with his airhead and mostly-absent mother, and this could easily be a movie about a school shooting in the right (or wrong) context. Of course, we can’t take out the camp because it really defines the rest of the movie. The special effects, though, are very cartoony. And when I say cartoony, I’m not being abstract. I mean they literally look like they are from a cartoon. The movie manages sprinkle in some legitimately funny humor, such as a student in a mascot costume being carried out of the school dance on a stretcher.

Whoa! Too close!

The acting and directing are both fine. Tony Fields was a Solid Gold dancer prior to acting and he sure gets plenty of chances to show off his moves. All that was missing was the bucket of water from Flashdance. There are some fun and creative kills to keep the audience entertained. The story starts to wear thin, though, towards the end. We get the natural progression of a bullied Eddie wanting revenge only to have remorse at his actions. But at the end, Tim is still a bully, trying to force himself on Leslie and even hitting her. So does that mean Eddie was right all along with his quest for revenge? Seems like a bad lesson. Eddie isn’t written as the best hero. Towards the end of the movie, he’s constantly telling Leslie to “stay here” or “wait here”. In fact, it’s Leslie and Eddie’s friend Roger that show more bravery than Eddie does.

The movie does have a fair amount of plot holes that tends to take away from the viewing experience. Why is Sammi chasing after Eddie now that he’s reincarnated? Ultimately, what difference does it make? It’s not like he needs him anymore. And how are they going to explain all of these supernatural deaths? There’s a scene where a band is about to play at the high school dance and Sammi reaches through an amp, kills the singer, and takes his place to perform the concert. This is all done in front of a room full of people and no one cares! I can suspend disbelief, but come on. It also doesn’t help when a microphone is clearly in the shot. Oops.

The mic is the least-awkward thing about this shot

Another bit of weirdness/creepiness revolves around a scene involving Tim’s girlfriend Gennie listening to a cassette copy of “Song In The Key Of Death”. Through the power of satanic magic (I guess) Sammi molests Gennie with a ghost-like animated hand. After disrobing, Gennie opens her eyes to see a giant green monster on top of her. What was the point of this scene? It was incredibly uncomfortable and wholly unnecessary. It didn’t add to the story and made the movie far darker than intended. On top of that, where did this monster version of Sammi come from and why didn’t we ever see it again? It was just so very strange and didn’t make much sense.

It’s nice to see Gene Simmons pull double duty.

When most movies try to address heavy metal, we get some sort of ham-fisted reference to a band or album, and nothing more. See the “No way! I love Pantera too!” conversation from Mighty Ducks 3 for an example. I’ll give Trick or Treat a lot of credit though because there is enough in this movie to make any metal fan happy. We have references to Judas Priest, Megadeth, Exciter, Lizzy Borden, Dee Snider, Anthrax, and Impaler. There is also a reference to the PMRC Senate hearings made famous by the spat between Dee Snider and Tipper Gore. Clearly, someone knew what they were doing when putting this together. Of course, the movie’s underlying message does seem to say that heavy metal is evil, so it’s really a toss-up if Trick or Treat is pro or anti-metal. Music for the movie is provided by Fastway, featuring “Fast” Eddie Clark, formerly of Motorhead and Pete Way, formerly of UFO.

The movie also has cameos by KISS’s Gene Simmons and Ozzy Osbourne as an anti-heavy metal evangelist Reverend Aaron Gilstrom. Despite what some posters and DVD covers might suggest, both rockers do not star in this movie. They just make brief, but fun cameos. Ozzy’s natural stammering makes his character seem more natural and believable. Just think of how many times you say “um” and “uh” in your daily life and then watch a movie. Doesn’t happen too often. Excluding Jeff Goldblum, of course.
Ultimately, Trick or Treat is a fun, if flawed, horror movie. It’s entertaining enough with some good action and subtle humor. It’s cheesy, but fun cheesy.I appreciated that the movie actually put effort into establishing that Eddie loved heavy metal. I also liked that Sammi once referred to Eddie as “false metal”. Apparently, Eddie was reincarnated as a Youtube commenter.

5.5/10

Day 362: End Of Days

End Of Days

Schwarzenegger should never be sad. He should always be punching something.

Arnold Schwarzenegger fights Satan on the eve of the new millennium. That plot sounds like it was written on the back of a high school notebook next to “Metallica Rulez” and doodles of pirates battling ninjas. While it sounds like a wacky idea it also sounds like a fun one. Schwarzenegger is not exactly known for his work in horror and the supernatural so the idea of him battling the forces of evil is at least different. Even in the late 90's, Arnold was still a draw as an action hero and slightly more believable battling the devil than, say, Jean-Claude Van Damme or Steven Seagal. Add in a well-rounded cast and some fun special effects and you can't go wrong, right?

End Of Days is a 1999 supernatural horror/action movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger (The Running Man, Total Recall) as retired cop Jericho Cane and Gabriel Byrne (Stigmata, The Usual Suspects) as Satan. In 1979, newborn Christine York is chosen to bear Satan's child 20 year's later on the eve of the new millennium. The Pope sends out priests all over the glove to find the child and protect her from Satan. Twenty years later, Satan comes to Earth and possesses a Wall Street Banker, leaving death and destruction in his wake. Jericho Cane is assigned to protect the banker, unaware of his true nature, and saves him from an assassin. The would-be killer is revealed to be a priest named Thomas Aquinas (Derrick O'Connor, Dardevil, Deep Rising) who was sent to protect Christine. Jericho and his partner Bobby Chicago (Kevin Pollack, Wayne's World, Canadian Bacon) discover Aquinas's hideout and eventually find a now-adult Christine York (Robin Tunney, The Craft, Empire Records). She is attacked by the Vatican Knights, a group of Catholics that believe the only way to prevent the End of Days is by killing her. Jericho saves her, but Bobby is killed by Satan in an explosion. As Jericho and Christine escape, they first stopped by Christine's adoptive mother and fellow police officer Marge (CCH Pounder, Warehouse 13, Avatar), both who are in league with Satan. Satan visits Jericho in his apartment and tries to tempt him, offering to reunite him with his murdered wife and daughter. He refuses and shoots Satan to no avail. Eventually, Christine is captured by Satan and taken to a secret location in order to fulfill his evil mission. With New Years fast approaching, how will Jericho be able to save Christine and defeat the devil himself?

Don't leave the Prince of Darkness hanging

On the surface, the basic premise of End Of Days doesn't sound that bad. Sure, it's been done before and is fairly cliché, but it's not a terrible idea. Throwing in a mega star like Arnold Schwarzenegger, even at a price tag of $25 million, sounds even better. Unfortunately, that's where the good ideas end. The movie is a poor patchwork of various other Satanic horror movies and the final product is a confused mess that is high on explosions, but low on logic. It's never really clear why Satan chose the body that he did or why he chose to stay in it for so long. If he can control people, why does he have so much trouble finding and keeping Christine? Why is Jericho able to resist his control? Why does he need protection at the beginning of the movie in the first place? And if both the Vatican and Satan's minions have been planning for this event for two decades, why are they both completely inept? If the movie went at a quick pace, maybe some of these gaping plot hole. Instead we get a movie over two hours long full of extended fight scenes. I like fights and explosions as much as the next person, but it really kills any horror and suspense that the movie may have had. Another thing in the movie that I really didn't like was the hyper-sexual nature of the story. The entire plot is based on Satan raping a girl and along the way, he molests a few other women. There is even one scene involving incest. Implying these things would have been bad enough, but they are up front and in your face. It made me quite uncomfortable and took my focus away from the rest of the movie.

When you think of a depressed, suicidal cop from New York, do you think of Arnold Schwarzenegger? Of course not, which makes his casting in the role of Jericho Cane (nice name) a little strange. He does his best to show emotion and range, but really, it's just Arnold Schwarzenegger. He runs, he jumps, he shoots. He gets a lot of help from a pretty good cast that includes Kevin Pollack, CCH Pounder, Rod Steiger, and Udo Kier. Gabriel Byrne is out of place in his role since Satan is strangely portrayed not as evil, but mischievous. There was one funny scene where Satan told a skateboarder that he liked his “Satan Rules” shirt. The movie's soundtrack is also notable as it is a snapshot of what was popular at the time. Songs from bands like Korn, Limp Bizkit, Rob Zombie, Eminem and a new song from Guns N' Roses find their way into the movie at random intervals. The movie uses a lot of special effects, some good while others look dated through modern eyes. Thanks to international numbers and DVD sales, the movie did fairly well, but not as well as studios were expecting. Maybe the world just wasn't ready for a depressed Arnold and a goofy Satan.

Look at that emotion!

End Of Days sounds decent on paper. It has a big-name star, a good supporting cast, lots of violence, special effects, and a hip soundtrack. Unfortunately, the movie's story is all over the place, leaving huge plot holes and focusing more on action than horror. There aren't many scares to be had and certain overly-sexual scenes will make just about everyone reach for the remote. Both Arnold Schwarzenegger and Gabriel Byrne look out of place in the movie. No one wants to see a depressed Arnold trying to show emotion and no one wants a boring Satan. End Of Days is good for a nostalgia trip and for an explosion fix. That's about it.

4.5/10

Day 260: The Bunker

The Bunker

Pvt. Skeletonface reporting for duty, Sir!

War, what is it good for? Absolutely nothing! There are no shortage of war movies and there are countless horror movies out there, but rarely do the two genres meet. It's actually surprising how few war/horror movies are out there given the fact that "war is hell". There is already so much blood and carnage in war that you'd think it would be a natural setting for horror. The same could be said for Westerns in horror. These movies do exist, there has just never been a great standout. What is it about war and horror that are so difficult to mix together into one great movie? All it takes is one great war-themed horror movie to spawn a a practically untouched subgenre.

The Bunker is a 2001 supernatural/psychological horror movie directed by Rob Green (House [2008], The Trick). Set near the German-Belgian border in 1944, a group of German Panzer soldiers are ambushed by American soldiers. They seek refuge in an old bunker being manned by a teenage soldier named Neumann (Andrew-Lee Potts, Primeval, 1408) and an old soldier named Mirus (John Carlisle, The Omega Factor, The Avengers). When they contact their commanding unit for instructions, they are told to just wait. Mirus informs the soldiers that there are tunnels below the bunker holding ammunition, but he has never ventured far into them. He tells a story of the forest they are in, how a plague ravaged a town and a priest convinced people to murder the infected. As the night progresses, strange sounds are heard from the forest, which the soldiers believe to be Americans. We also see flashes of a traumatic event that occurred previous to the soldiers' arrival at the bunker. Soon Mirus ventures down into the tunnels, believing he is speaking to his dead son. Another soldier follows, and when their commander wakes up, he believes they have deserted and forces the rest of the group down into the tunnels. Deep inside, they discover a pit filled with bones and rotting corpses. The soldiers begin seeing things in the tunnel, believing they are being tricked and psychologically tortured by the Americans. The Germans begin turning on each other, unable to get a grasp on what is going on and who is down there with them. Who or what is haunting the soldiers and how does it fit in with the recent past?

"You can't just yell "Blammo!" You have to actually shoot!"

Initially, I thought The Bunker was going to be a supernatural revenge movie involving dead villagers getting their revenge on Nazi soldiers. Sadly, this isn't the case, which is a shame because who doesn't like seeing Nazis die horrible deaths? The movie puts me in a tough spot because I don't want to feel sympathetic towards Nazis. The Bunker goes for a mixture of psychological horror and supernatural horror, though neither are very good. While we do see shadowy soldiers towards the end of the movie, most of the supernatural elements are implied with shadow and flickering light. Paranoia is the main factor in the movie, and while not executed perfectly, the movie does well enough to get us from point A to point B. It makes me wonder why the filmmakers even bothered trying to make this a horror movie instead of just a psychological thriller. The movie clearly doesn't have a large budget, so if you can't pull off spirits, then it's just not worth it.

Most of the money went into sets and uniforms, which both look very good. The acting is good throughout with a cast of people that you may recognize from bit parts in other movies. The film is fairly dark, not in content, but in actual color. While it makes things difficult to see at times, this styling actually serves a purpose. The dark colors are juxtaposed with the bright, dream-like flashbacks that inform the audience of what transpired before the soldiers arrived at the bunker. The atmosphere is fairly good and there's enough suspense to keep the audience interested in seeing what will happen. Unfortunately, the big reveal is kind of a dud, especially when you look at the DVD cover and expected something else. There is a mediocre amount of violence with one good scene involving a flare gun. It's certainly not enough for a movie set in World War II.

"Who left ze smoke machine on again?"

The Bunker had a lot of potential, but just couldn't pull it together for a good horror movie. The psychological fear and paranoia is decent, but the supernatural elements are too sparse to make everything come together. The movie would have been better off as a straight war film than horror. There is nothing particularly scary about the film and the lack of violence in a war movie is disappointing. The costumes and sets look very good and the solid acting helps carry the movie. The Bunker isn't a bad movie, I was just expecting a lot better. If you're looking for a better mix of war and horror, you're better off with Deathwatch.

5/10

Day 250: Prince Of Darkness

Prince Of Darkness

Pretty. Insane, but pretty.

Satan. Lucifer. Beelzebub. Scratch. Dick Cheney. The Devil has many names and comes in many forms. Some believe he is a physical being, torturing condemned souls in the fiery pit of Hell while others believe he lives within every human being, causing us to do evil. Whether you believe in Heaven and Hell or God and Satan, the Devil makes for a pretty good horror movie villain. Since just about everything regarding his Goatship is open to interpretation, writers and directors are free to design how he looks as they see fit. While some movies go for the traditional pitchfork and horns, others go for something abstract. And then there's John Carpenter who adds his own little twist with his brand of horror.

Prince of Darkness is a 1987 horror movie written and directed by John Carpenter (Halloween, The Thing). The movie stars Jameson Parker (JAG, Simon & Simon) as metaphysician/student Brian Marsh and Lisa Blount (An Officer And A Gentleman, Box Of Moon Light) as fellow student Catherine Danforth. Father Loomis (Donald Pleasance, Halloween, Escape From New York) approaches their professor, Howard Birack (Victor Wong, Seven Years In Tibet, The Last Emperor), in need of help. A fellow priest who had recently died, left a box containing a key to an underground labyrinth beneath an abandoned church in Los Angeles. Inside the labyrinth is a cylinder filled with a swirling green liquid that appears to be growing in power. Birack gathers his students at the church, including Brian and Lisa who have begun to fall in love, in an effort to find out just what is in the cylinder. They are joined by other specialists including a woman to translate ancient text from a 2,000 year old book found next to the cylinder. The group notices that homeless people, led Street Schizo (Alice Cooper, Suck, Wayne's World 2), begin to encircle the church. When a group member leaves the church, Street Schizo impales him with part of a bicycle. After parts of the book is translated, it is revealed that the liquid is a conscious, living embodiment of the Prince of Darkness, Satan. Satan's powering is growing, changing the sky and overloading their computers. Loomis tells the group that the Church had been keeping the information about Satan a secret for thousands of years in order to protect humanity. Various members of the group begin to share the same dream, which appears to be a warning from the future. Satan is able to finally free itself from the cylinder, shooting liquid onto Susan, a radiologist with the group, making her into a slave. She begins possessing other members of the group including Kelly, who had a strange mark on her arm earlier in the day begins to physically change. She becomes the ultimate incarnation of Satan, complete with fantastic powers. Birack and the priest discover that Satan is the the son of an even more powerful entity and plans to bring him into this world. Surrounded and out-numbered, how will they be able to stop Satan from bringing his father into our reality?

Who wants Jell-O?

I'm a fan of John Carpenter's work so it came as a bit of a surprise when I came across Prince Of Darkness because I had never heard of it before. How can a movie by the man behind such classics as Halloween, The Thing, and Escape From New York just go completely under the radar? I think part of the problem is that the movie is too abstract for the average movie-goer. Thanks to mainstream media, we all have a preconceived notion of what the Devil should look like and a swirling green liquid doesn't fit that idea. I appreciate the desire to be different and I feel it works in the movie's favor since it's not your average horror movie. The general idea for the movie came from Carpenter's interest in theoretical physics and atomic theory and it shows. It's nice that the movie tries to give a scientific explanation for things, but it occasionally gets bogged down in specifics, leading to some confusion and bordedom. There is a good amount of action in the movie, though, with some nice violence and traditional horror scares. A lot is crammed in to the movie and certain aspects, like the dream message or Brian and Catherine's relationship, aren't really given enough time, especially given their importance.

Carpenter creates a great atmosphere that lasts throughout the movie. Shot with wide-angle lenses in an anamorphic format, the movie is very unsettling. The gothic feel of the church adds to the overall creepiness brought out by Carpenter's signature synthesizer music. What really sticks out to me are the small, minor changes in the actors when they become possessed. Much like spider-walk and head spinning scenes in The Exorcist, the unearthly sounds coming from the possessed group really touches a nerve. The acting is pretty good all-around and every plays their parts well. Jessie Lawrence Ferguson, who plays a group member named Calder, mixes strange giggles with weeping that send chills up my spine. The ending is quite good I actually had a nightmare related to this movie, so you know it has something working for it. The movie doesn't have your typical scares, but it manages to stick with you.

"We can't find Waldo anywhere!"

Prince Of Darkness is an underrated and undervalues horror movie from one of the masters. John Carpenter is able to craft a scary, surrealistic movie with a good amount of action and suspense. The abstract ideas and specific detail may keep some people away, but it's worth sticking with the movie. The atmosphere throughout the movie is very good thanks in part to the creepy music and creative camera shots. While it may not be the most well-known John Carpenter movie, it is well worth the time to watch. It is fun, scary, and unique. If you need a movie that will make you think and feel that you may not have seen before, Prince Of Darkness is a good choice.

8.5/10

Day 234: The Caller

The Caller

Ring, ring

Time-traveling movies are always a tricky thing to pull off. They always run the risk of plot-holes and becoming a muddled mess. Most of these movies make things up as they go along, but we let the mistakes slide if the movie is good enough. The Back To The Future series is a prime example of how a movie can ignore it's own rules, have a bunch of plot flaws, and still be universally loved. Alternatively, you have a movie like Timecop which is equal parts confusing mess and lousy entertainment. The most important part of a time-travel movie, or any movie for that matter, is to be entertaining first, and accurate second. Throwing in time-travel to the horror genre is an interesting, if risky, venture.

The Caller is a 2011 supernatural horror movie starring Rachelle Lefevre (Twilight, Swingtown) as Mary Kee. Mary has just moved in to a new apartment in Puerto Rico after finalizing a divorce from her violent husband, Steven (Ed Quinn, Eureka, True Blood). Inside her new apartment is an old rotary phone which she decides to keep. One night, the phone rings with a woman on the other line asking to speak with someone named Bobby. Mary informs her that, despite having the right number, no one by that name lives in the apartment. Trying to get her life back together, Mary enrolls in classes at the local university where she meets a math teacher named John Guidi (Stephen Moyer, Priest, 88 Minutes). The mysterious calls continue with Mary eventually having a conversation with the woman. Her name is Rose (Lorna Raver, Drag Me To Hell, Armored) and they begin talking about their lives. Rose tells Mary that she is calling from the 1970's, which Mary quickly dismisses. Rose says that she drew a picture inside Mary's pantry and wants her to look at it. Mary sands down the paint on the wall to reveal a picture of a rose. During this time, Mary is harassed by her ex-husband despite a restraining order and her growing relationship with John. When Rose reveal that she is in an abusive relationship with Bobby, Mary tells her to stick up for herself. During the next call, Rose tells Mary that she killed Bobby and may have hidden him inside the walls. Mary refuses to take the calls for a short time, and is able to move forward in her relationship with John. Mary asks her neighbor George (Luis Guzman, Boogie Nights, Traffic) about Rose and he tells her that she committed suicide many years ago. Mary starts to take the phone calls again from a now irate Rose and time starts to shift as Rose changes things in her past. Soon, no one remembers George and eventually, Mary learns that John died as a child. One night, Mary receives a phone call from Rose, who has a special visitor: Mary as a little child. What will happen to Mary in the past and is there any way she can stop her from the present?

Another thrilling action scene brought to you by The Caller

Time-traveling movies can work if they're done with a mixture of subtlety, nuance, and cleverness. The Caller has none of these traits, leaving behind a boring and confusing mess. My biggest problem with the movie is that the simple solutions of “not answering the phone” or “move out of the apartment” are never presented as real options. This is the same issue I have with the plot of the television show “American Horror Story.” (Full disclosure: I could only sit through one episode of AHS and hated every second of it). There were way they could have forced Mary to pick up the phone early on, but she's presented as just being bored. I understand and appreciate the parallel between Rose and Mary in their respective relationship, but I never truly believed that Mary would confide in an obviously crazy person and feel a connection with her.

The movie spends far too much time with character development and not enough with action and horror. The time-changing aspect doesn't really kick in until the last ¼ of the movie when it really should have started much earlier. It was an interesting touch to have the young Mary involved, but then again, it didn't really make much sense. I mean, where were her parents during this time? And if George and John had been killed in the past, are they still dead? They were just trying to help this girl out and they get the short-end of the stick. Where's the justice in that? The acting is fine, throughout with Lorna Raver putting in the best performance just by using her voice. The movie isn't scary and there were only a few times where Rose's voice became creepy. Without the scares or action, we're left with a weak plot and mediocre directing. I did also find it out that, with the exception of Luis Guzman, the main characters in the movie are white, despite taking place in Puerto Rico.

The most strategically-placed bush ever

The Caller is a decent idea for a story that just isn't pulled off well on screen. Rarely can I enjoy a movie where the simplest solution is to just stop doing something. The movie tries to explain all the time-changing mumbo-jumbo, but they should have focused more on the supernatural evil ghost talking through the phone. There is very little action to speak of with only the last 15 minutes of the movie providing any sort of excitement or entertainment. Too much time is spent on relationships and not enough of actual horror and thrills. It is simply not scary and not even spooky. The acting is passable, but the direction is not particularly good. Throw in all the time-changing and you're in for a boring and confused movie. Do yourself a favor and don't answer The Caller.

3.5/10

Day 228: Shocker

Shocker

It's electric, boogie-woogie-woogie!

Do horror and comedy ever truly mix well? I'm hard-pressed to find a movie that fits both genres well. The closest I can think of are spoofs of well-known horror movies such as Repossessed and the Scary Movie series. Those movies are really just comedies with some horror tropes and references, so I suppose they don't really count. The character of Freddy Kruger is funny throughout the Nightmare on Elm Street movies, but they are certainly not comedic in nature. Scream had it's funny moments, but they were more self-aware clever remarks than straight comedy. Comedy is a science, needing the right amount of wit, timing, and delivery. Horror is broad with lots of variables that can make a movie disturbing or scary. For whatever reason, the two genres are like water and oil, but that doesn't stop people from trying to mash them together.

Shocker is a 1989 horror comedy written and directed by Wes Craven (Scream, The Last House On The Left). The movie stars Peter Berg (Cop Land, Fire In The Sky) as Jonathan Parker and Mitch Pileggi (The X-Files, Sons of Anarchy) as Horace Pinker. A series of brutal murders has gripped a small California suburb with no clues as to who is committing the crimes. Jon Parker is a college football player who has a strange dream-like vision of a bald man murdering his mother, brother, and sister. He see's the man's van outside the house, revealing he is a TV repair man named Horace Pinker. Jon tries to stop the killer by when he lunges at him, he awakens in bed with his girlfriend, Allison (Camille Cooper). When he returns home, Jon discovers that his family has in fact been murdered. His father, Lt. Don Parker (Michael Murphy, X:Men:The Last Stand, Batman Returns) had been working on the serial killer cases, and the killer murdered his family when he got too close. The police go to arrest him, but he escapes, and kills Allison. Jon uses his strange connection to Pinker to help his father and the police force find him again. Pinker kills a few police officers before being arrested and given the electric chair. Before dying, Pinker reveals that he is Jonathan's biological father and that, as a child, Jonathan shot him in the leg to stop him from murdering his mother. Pinker also reveals that he sold his soul to the devil and when the switch is flipped, Pinker becomes pure energy. His new powers allow him to travel through electricity as well and possess people. Pinker, through other people, tries to kill Jonathan through various means, murdering his friends along the way. How will Jonathan be able to stop this supernatural serial killer who can become anyone at any time?

Being executed by the state is a laugh riot. Well, at least in Texas

I really wasn't sure if Shocker was supposed to be a comedy or not because it is simply not funny. It tries some slapstick with Jonathan running into the goalpost during football practice and tries to have funny one-liners ala Freddy Krueger. Both fail miserably. If the movie wanted to be a comedy, it should have focused on that because the horror is not much better. The basic premise of the story is fine with Jonathan having a supernatural connection to a supernatural killer. Unfortunately, the execution of the events in the movie is so clunky that nothing really makes sense. Nothing is ever really explained with things getting progressively weirder. Why are the police so inept? Why does Jonathan continue to run head-long into danger? How is Jonathan able to have the weird visions of both Pinker and his dead girlfriend? Pinker can now jump from person to person, even though he's supposed to be made of energy? And he can now jump out of televisions? What? How? Why? When? It's amazing that this was written by Wes Craven who has a long track record of great horror movies. It's like he took 10 ideas for different movies, threw them in a blender, and then spit it out onto the screen while giving everyone the finger.

While the movie lacks in humor and logic, it does have a good amount of violence. It has lots of gun play, stabbings, and a few explosions. There is nothing particularly gory about the violence, which is surprising considering it's a movie about a supernatural serial killer. The acting throughout is very questionable. Both Peter Berg and Mitch Pileggi have had long careers in show business, so it's not like they didn't know how to act. I chalk up their bad performances to terribly written dialogue and poor direction. Pinker's lines mostly revolve around horrendous one-liners and and curse words. Jonathan spends most of the movie running and looking shocked, but in the last 10 minutes or so, he is all sorts of confident in knowing how to fight Pinker. The special effects used in the movie are decent for the time, but many scenes are obviously in front of a blue screen. The movie is entrenched in the 80's, complete with it's own theme song performed by Paul Stanley from Kiss with members of Def Leppard, Whitesnake, Van Halen, and Motley Crue. It also had an unintentionally funny cover of Alice Cooper's “No More Mr. Nice Guy” performed by Megadeth.

Comedy!

Shocker has very little in the way of comedy and the horror portion of the movie is poorly done. There is nothing particularly funny in the movie, and if there was, I completely missed it. The story is all over the place, leaving logic and reason by the wayside in favor of 80's special effects and chase scenes. It's amazing that Wes Craven was at the helm of this movie and downright shocking (sorry, couldn't help it) that he actually believed this movie would be the start of a series. The dialogue is horrendous and the acting is pretty bad. If you're looking for something to laugh at instead of laugh with, Shocker is your movie.

3/10

Day 215: Thinner

Thinner

See, kids? This is what happens when you don't brush.

We all want to change something about ourselves. Some of us want to be taller, or have more hair, or better eyesight. The biggest change people want to make, especially in regards to Americans, is losing weight. Whether it's genetic, or a glandular problem, or a love of deep-fried anything, obesity is a big problem in the United States. There is an entire industry dedicated to weight loss. We have gyms, exercise videos, at-home workout machines, fancy diets, and even pills all claiming to help people lose weight. But what if you start to lose weight through no effort and can't stop? The supposed blessing can become a curse. A gypsy curse, to be specific.

Thinner is a 1996 horror movie based off the novel of the same name by Stephen King (Misery, Children Of The Corn). The film stars Robert John Burke (Rescue Me, Dust Devil) as Billy Halleck, a wealthy, morbidly obese lawyer who lives in a nice house in Maine with his wife and daughter. Billy has just won a case defending a criminal boss named Richie “The Hammer” Ginell (Joe Mantegna, The Simpsons, Three Amigos) and goes out to celebrate with his wife Heidi (Lucinda Jenney, GI Jane, S.W.A.T.). A group have gypsies have come into town, much to the disgust of Billy's friend, Judge Cary Rossington (John Horton, Donnie Brasco, The Shawshank Redemption) On the way home from dinner, Heidi performs oral sex on Billy while he is driving. The distraction causes Billy to not see an old Gypsy woman crossing the road, hitting and killing her. Through his connections with Judge Rossington and police Chief Duncan Hopley (Daniel von Bargen, Seinfeld, Lord of Illusions), Billy is not charged with any crime. Outraged at the injustice, Tadzu Lempke, the father of the dead woman, touches Billy's face and says “Thinner.” Soon, Billy starts to lose weight, despite continuously eating whatever he wants. The weight loss continues at an alarming rate forcing Billy to go see Dr. Mike Houston (Sam Freed). Dr. Mikey, as Billy refers to him, cannot find anything wrong and sends him to a special clinic. They also cannot find out what is wrong as Billy gets thinner and thinner. He also suspects that Heidi and Dr. Mikey are having an affair. Billy discovers that Judge Rossington and Chief Hopley have also been cursed by the gypsy with Rossington turning into some sort of lizard creature and Hopley becoming covered in leprosy-like sores. Billy's weight drops dangerously low as he goes in search of the gypsies. When he finds them, he asks Tadzu to take off the curse. When he refuses and is hurt by one of the gypsies, Billy puts his own curse, the Curse of the White Man From town, on the gypsies. He reaches out to Richie to help him get the curse taken off. What will Richie do and will Billy survive?

1, 2, 3, 4: I declare a thumb war.

On paper, I can see how Thinner would be an interesting and exciting read. There are many different elements in the story that work well in the written word. The movie has some good social commentary, such as body image, racism, and obsession. Sadly, these topics are lightly touched-upon instead of at the forefront of the movie. The problem with Thinner is that since Stephen King tends to get very wordy with long novels, certain plot points need to be skipped over for a feature-length movie. For whatever reason, Thinner doesn't do that and tries to cram in as many things as possible. With a run time of 92 minutes, the movie feels incredibly long just because so much is happening at such a fast pace. I was actually surprised to see the length of the movie as it felt like a marathon to get through. Sometimes horror movies feel long because they are too slow. Thinner feels long because there is so much happening that you can't concentrate on one scene for too long or you'll miss something. Plenty of little things could have been cut out or at least replaced with longer scenes or better horror. The movie is not scary with only a psychological creepiness to focus on.

Robert John Burke plays Billy very well, going from jolly fat man to a withered skeleton trying to survive. Joe Mantegna is wildly over-the-top, but in a good way. He is essentially Fat Tony from The Simpsons with an extra dash of crazy. I couldn't help but wonder why, if Richie is a big underworld boss, he would get directly involved fighting the gypsies. You would think he'd have some goons do his dirty work for him. That question is half-heartedly answered, but it wasn't a good enough answer for me. Lucinda Jenney comes off as a bit too forced for my liking. I suppose we're not supposed to like her, but I was more annoyed at her than anything else. The makeup used on Burke is excellent, ranging from a believable fat suit to a pale, walking cadaver. You really believe that he is going to die by the end. Speaking of the end, it reminded me too much of a Goosebumps-style ending and was pretty cheesy for a Stephen King movie. Again, words on a paper were probably more effective than on the screen.

So sleepy!

Thinner is an example of how a good story doesn't always translate into a good movie. The story is simple, but enjoyable with a fair amount of intrigue and excitement. It is a race against the clock with a supernatural bent. There is not much horror to speak of, which was a disappointment. The movie tries to cram in way too much and feels far longer than an hour and a half. Robert John Burke and Joe Mantegna are very entertaining and help keep the moving rolling. There is even a funny cameo appearance in the movie by King himself. While not horrifically bad, Thinner is not Stephen King's best movie. It does have entertaining qualities, but just doesn't have that special King horror quality that so many of his other movies possess.

5.5/10

Day 189: Boogeyman

Boogeyman

Aw, I thought this was going to be a Disco horror movie

The Boogeyman myth is found all over the world in many different cultures. The myths go back all the way to the middle ages and in some places, even further. Sure, the names and specifics are different, but the main characteristics remain. The Boogeyman is a horrible, monstrous creature that kills. He's always hiding somewhere, usually in the closet or under the bed. It's this reason why reviewing a movie based on him seems like a no-brainer. Of course, it's also an excuse for me to link to a great scene from The Simpsons where Lisa has a bad dream about the Boogeyman and Homer acts appropriately. It's also a good excuse to listen to White Zombie's "I'm Your Boogie Man".

Boogeyman is a 2005 supernatural horror movie starring Barry Watson (7^th Heaven, Sorority Boys) as Tim Jensen. As a young boy, Tim was afraid of something in his closet based off a story his father told him. One night, his father goes to check on him and is attacked by an unknown and unseen being. His father disappeared into the closet, never to be seen again. No one believed his story and everyone just assumed his father ran off. 15 years later, Tim is deathly afraid of closets and keeps his clothes in drawers. After a Thanksgiving trip to meet his girlfriend Jessica's parents, Tim has a vision of his mother (Lucy Lawless, Xena: Warrior Princess, Vampire Bats) in trouble. He receives a call from his father saying she has died. He returns to his old house where the incident with his father took place as a form of closure. He is briefly attacked by something in a closet, but escapes. Tim reconnects with his childhood friend, Kate (Emily Deschanel, Bones, Cold Mountain) who still lives in town. He also meets a young girl named Franny, who also believes in the Boogeyman. She leaves him a backpack full of missing children's photos, all of whom were killed by the Boogeyman. Jessica visits Tim and takes him to a motel to relax, where she mysteriously disappears. Tim stumbles backwards into the closet and comes out into his family's home. Worried he is losing his mind, he takes Kate to the motel where they discover that Tim was, in fact, at the motel. Tim meets with Franny again, who reveals that she had been taken by the Boogeyman in 1985 and her father tried to defeat him. Will Tim be able to face his fears and defeat the monster?

And can they look even whiter?

I don't recall seeing a movie where I was distracted by the poor direction and camerawork than the story. The movie has a habit of speeding up shots and having quick zoom-ins, complete with whoosing sound effects. Once or twice is fine, but the movie is full of these. There are so many shots of doors and close-ups of door knobs that you'd think Better Homes and Gardens Magazine was involved. The action doesn't really occur until the last third of the movie and the spiraling, shaky camera shocks are dizzying and nauseating. A straightforward action sequence would have been far more entertaining and far scarier than this unfortunate camera trick. When the Boogeyman is finally revealed, the special effects used to create him are downright laughable. They look like they belong in a movie from 1997, not 2005. I've seen better cut scenes from early 2000-era video games than this. You'd think by hiding the Boogeyman for most of the movie would be for atmospheric effect, but it's just because the monster is so incredibly computerized and cheap looking.

All of this just distracts from the movie itself, which is boring, unoriginal, and confusing. It feels like there are at least 20 other horror movies that have come out in recent years where a child experiences some horrible incident, no one believes them, and they come back as an adult to face their fears. I mean, I reviewed to movies just like that, Darkness Falls and Dead Silence. The acting is fine, no one was particularly good or bad. The house set they used was actually very good looking and should have been used in a better movie. The action sequences are decent, but there just isn't enough of them. The movie focuses more on psychological mind messing, with Tim going through closets and under beds and coming out in different places. It just doesn't work and left me feeling confused. At least they tried something different.

Watching someone watching someone. This movie just went meta.

Using the Boogeyman as the villain in a horror movie is a good idea. It can translate well to different cultures and different age groups. It can be legitimately scary and thrilling if done correctly. Unfortunately, Boogeyman is neither scary nor thrilling. The direction and camerawork are just not good and distract from the rest of the movie, which isn't that good. The story is unoriginal and the special effects are downright laughable. The acting manages to keep the movie afloat, but just barely. No need for you to check in the closet, because Boogeyman should be in the $5 DVD bin at Wal-Mart.

3.5/10

Day 181: Inkubus

Inkubus

Spelling was always his worst subject

I don’t go to horror conventions. I have nothing against them, they just don’t appeal all that much to me. Buy some movies, get your picture with Kane Hodder, see some people dressed up as movie characters. There’s nothing wrong with that, I just have little desire to see trailers for upcoming movies or listen to a panel discussion from the crew working on Saw 19: This Time It’s Personal. Also, I don’t feel like driving long distances to be around sweaty nerds (love you guys, keep visiting the site!). Such wasn’t the case though, when the people involved with the Independent horror movie Inkubus came literally within walking distance of me to talk about the movie. Oh, and Robert Englund was going to be there. ROBERT ENGLUND! They played a trailer for the movie and answered questions from the group. To my disappointment, Mr. Englund could not make it, but his co-star William Forsythe was there and was kind enough to take a picture with me. It was time to finally see Inkubus.

Your favorite blogger with Mr. William Forsythe

Inkubus is a 2011 independent horror movie starring Joey Fatone (My Big Fat Greek Wedding, being in freaking N’SYNC) as Detective Tom Caretti, William Forsythe (Raising Arizona, The Rock) as retired Detective Gil Diamante, and Robert Englund (A Nightmare on Elm Street, 2001 Maniacs) as Inkubus. The movie is told mostly in flashback told by a committed Det. Caretti. A small crew is working the final shift in their closing police station in Wood Haven, Rhode Island when a young man arrives named Mikes, covered in the blood of his decapitated girlfriend. He claims to have seen a man covered in shadow in his room before blacking out. As Miles is being questioned, a man named Inkubus walks into the police station holding a woman’s severed head. He surrenders freely, making his phone call via magic to retired Detective Diamante, beckoning to come to the station so he could confess. Diamante was the closest to capturing Inkubus and was eventually committed after the murder of his wife and disappearance of his son. Inkubus reveals that he has committed numerous murders over the centuries and is closing in on being 100 years old. To continue his survival, he must be reborn in a new body. Using his powers, Inkubus begins to play mind games with the officers and killing them in brutal fashion. Will Diamante finally confront his demon and why is Officer Jen Cole, Caretti’s girlfriend, suddenly in such much pain?

Even evil demons need nap time

Independent horror movies are a real mixed bag. Usually low in budget and star power, indie horror has to rely on creative ideas, good storytelling, and innovative tricks to set themselves apart from bigger Hollywood productions. Inkubus is the exception to the rule because it has established actors involved. Robert Englund, one of the kings of horror, is great as Inkubus, relishing in the character’s evil malevolence. On paper, lines like “Abra-fucking-cadabra” and “Killing is magic” may seem clichéd, but uttered by Englund, it takes on a serious and sinister feel. William Forsythe is enjoyable as the broken and emotionally fragile Diamante. His soft demeanor creates an air of sympathy from the audience and really makes us want to see him defeat Inkubus. Joey Fatone is OK, it’s just hard to talk him seriously as an authority figure. The performances by the supporting cast range from passable to questionable.

The story itself has a few good moments, but overall, doesn’t feel particularly thrilling or interesting. It pretty much boils down to “evil supernatural being fucks with some cops.” There are a few good moments and a decent idea or two, but it just misses the mark in terms of being a complete movie. Making the story told in flashback by Joey Fatone while he’s in an insane asylum is clichéd and unnecessary. Adding this little bit is pointless and adds nothing to the movie other than seeing the guy from N’SYNC in a straight jacket in the world’s brightest white room. The movie tries to compensate with some questionable special effects and a surprising amount of blood and gore. I mean, one person’s spine gets ripped out. Spine. Gets. Ripped. Out. It’s unexpected to say the least and is unintentionally funny when you see Robert Englund just holding a spine in his hand. Another poor effect occurs when Officer Cole gives birth to a demon baby. It look so silly and the movie would have been better served implying the baby is a demon than showing a Cabbage Patch doll with horns covered in red food coloring. Sometimes less is more.

Inkubus has some good moments and lots of gorey violence, but it’s just not enough to get over a mediocre story that doesn’t really go anywhere. Robert Englund and William Forsythe put on strong performances and actually make the movie far more tolerable than it would have been if unknown actors had the lead roles. I liked that the film took place in Rhode Island, a state full of scary places and colonial history. As far as independent horror goes, Inkubus isn’t that bad. I have seen much, much worse. It’s heart was in the right place, it just needed a head to follow.

5.5/10 

Day 174: A Nightmare On Elm Street

A Nightmare On Elm Street

Hat's off to horror

1, 2, Freddy's remade for you. Horror remakes are usually met with fear, anger, and derision from the horror community. Heck, just regular remakes are met the same way. We love our originals and hate to see them re-cut, altered, chewed up, and spat out onto the big screen in hopes of making a few million. A lot of us grew up with these movies and while it's great to see a new generation get into these movies, it's hard to see our favorite things be changed. But not all remakes are horrible. The Dawn of the Dead remake, while different, was still a pretty good horror movie. Could the same be said for a movie based around an iconic character?

A Nightmare On Elm Street is a 2010 remake of Wes Craven's 1984 horror film of the same name. It stars Rooney Mara (The Girl With The Dragon Tatoo, The Social Network) as Nancy Holbrook. Nancy is a waitress at a local diner and serves classmates Dean and his girlfriend, Kris (Katie Cassidy, Black Christmas, When A Stranger Calls). Dean hasn't slept in days, suffering from nightmares that a mysterious burned man is trying to kill him. He drifts into sleep and is killed in his dream by the man, but appears to kill himself in reality to those around him. At Dean's funeral, Kris sees a picture of them together as children, but doesn't remember knowing him when they were young. Kris begins to dream of the burned man and has her ex-boyfriend Jesse (Thomas Dekker, Laid To Rest, Kaboom) stay with her to keep her company. In her dreams, she meets the burned man, and in reality she is supernaturally slammed all across her room before being slashed to death. Jesse flees to Nancy's house, who reveals she also dreams of the man. Jesse is soon arrested for Kris's murder. He tries to stay awake in jail, but falls asleep and is brutally murdered by the same man. Joined by her classmate Quentin (Kyle Gallner, The Haunting in Connecticut, Jennifer's Body), Nancy discovers that they are all connected through the preschool they attended. There, the gardener named Freddy Krueger (Jackie Earle Haley, Rorschach from Watchmen) sexually abused the children and named Nancy as his favorite. Their parents took justice in their own hands and burned Krueger alive. Now he is back, killing the children who told on him through their dreams. Nancy and Quentin try to stay awake, thinking of a way to beat Freddy, but constantly drift in and out of sleep as he gets closer to killing them. Will Nancy, Freddy's favorite, be able to stop him?

Better moisturize

It's hard not to compare the remake to the original and it's impossible to replace Robert Englund. Robert Englund IS Freddy Krueger. Freddy is all personality and hard to recreate whereas a character like Jason, who is essentially just a big, unkillable bastard in a mask, can be played by anyone meeting the height and weight requirements. That being said, Jackie Earle Haley is very good as a different Freddy Krueger. Gone are the one-liners and funny quips. This Freddy is a darker character, staying more true to Wes Craven's original vision in which Freddy was a child molester. Rooney Mara is good in her role, but her characters reminds me of Raven from the cartoon Teen Titans; drab and kind of bland. As far as horror remakes go, A Nightmare On Elm Street isn't that bad. It's a good introduction for viewers who may not have seen the original. Even Freddy's face is different as they went for a more traditional burn victim look. Unfortunately, it looks stiff and a little boring, more closely resembling a cross between an alien and a burnt English muffin.

The movie itself focuses more on stylistic action and cool violence than comprehensive plot. Now that I think about it, I don't know if they ever explained just how Freddy was able to come back from the dead and haunt dreams. The new Nightmare lacks the proper amount of depth and creativity that helped make the original great. By not being a complete movie, this remake just comes off as a good, but typical supernatural slasher. The special effects are actually pretty good and some of the scenes are quite impressive, such as when the floor in a hallway becomes a pool of thick blood that drags Nancy under. The movie has a good amount of blood, gore, and action. There are a few jumps and scares, but nothing overall terrifying.

What do you mean Phish is sold out?!

Horror fans will always be wary of remakes. We hold our horror close to our gorey hearts. A Nightmare On Elm Street probably didn't need to be remade so soon, but in this day and age, it's amazing it took this long. The basic story and some characters are the same as the original, but it's the specifics that are different, similar to the Dawn Of The Dead remake. I was happy to see some scenes recreated, so at least they did that right. Jackie Earle Haley is a very good, if different, Freddy Krueger and Rooney Mara plays her part well. The movie has some great special effects and lots of blood, but the story feels empty and flat. Thankfully, this remake is not bad. It's just not great.

6.5/10

Day 171: Carrie

Carrie

Before and After Oceanspray Cranapple Juice

Can a horror movie still be good even when you know specifically what is going to happen? Thanks to television and the internet, it's almost impossible to not know specific scenes from movies even if you've never watched them. This is especially true with classic horror movies and scenes. TV shows like Bravo's 100 Scariest Movie Moments show us all the good and memorable parts of movies. Being a horror fan, of course I watch them (multiple times) despite not having seen all of the movies featured. Just about everyone knows the major scene in Carrie. It has been re-shown, spoofed, satirized, and imitated in lots of different mediums. Heck, it was even in Tiny Toon Adventures in the 90's. Even though I knew what was going to happen, I had to see the movie for myself. I also needed to get Europe's power ballad "Carrie" out of my head.

Carrie is a 1976 adaptation of the Stephen King novel of the same name. Sissy Spacek (Coal Miner's Daughter, Blast From The Past) stars as Carrie White, a shy high school girl caught in the grip of her overbearing and religious mother, Margret (Piper Laurie, The Faculty, Children Of A Lesser God). Carrie is an outcast and is ridiculed by her female classmates when she gets her period in the shower. As Carrie becomes more frantic, a lightbulb bursts before Miss Collins (Betty Buckley, The Happening, Eight Is Enough) and puts a stop to the harassment. When her mother hears of the incident, she punishes Carrie because she believes the blood is a punishment for sin. She locks Carrie in a closet and forces her to pray. Carrie believes she may be telekinetic and researches it in the school library. Carrie's classmate, Sue, guilty over teasing Carrie, convinces the hunky Tommy to take Carrie to prom. Miss Collins punishes the girls who teased Carrie by making them do physical activities. Sue Snell (Amy Irving, Yentl, Adam), who hates Carrie, refuses and is banned from prom. Carrie's mother warns her not to go to the prom because all the students will laugh at her. She disagrees, using her powers to push her mother away. She enjoys herself at the prom, unaware that Sue, along with her boyfriend Billy (John Travolta, Pulp Fiction, Battlefield Earth) have rigged the prom king and queen voting so that Carrie and Tommy would win. As she accepts her crown, Sue tips a bucket full of pig's blood onto Carrie's head, drenching her and knocking Tommy out with the bucket. Carrie, believing people are laughing at her, finally snaps, using her telekinesis to lock the doors and hurt everyone inside with a wall of flames. She even gets her revenge on Sue and Billy. Covered in blood, she returns home. What will her mother do?

Cut her a piece of cake?

Carrie is a classic for a reason. The acting is truly great, thanks to Sissy Spacek and Piper Laurie. Spacek is great as both the mousy Carrie and the insane, murderous Carrie. She really shines in the revenge scene at the prom. Without saying a word, her wide eyes and steely expression speak terrifying volumes. Piper Laurie plays the religious Margaret perfectly. I really hated her for all the right reasons. Amy Irving is good as the bratty Sue and John Travolta is in the role made for him, a total douchebag. Beyond the acting, the story is straight to the point and enjoyable. You kind of have an idea of what is going to happen, but are compelled to keep watching. The little hints of Carrie's telekinesis are a big part of that. The audience is fully behind Carrie as a sympathetic character and desperately want her to get revenge.

Director Brian De Palma (Scarface, The Untouchables) does a fantastic job of directing. Quick action shots with music swells fit perfectly for Carrie's powers. There are some great shots, including the final scene that was shot in reverse to give it a dream-like feel. The music, composed by Pino Donaggio, is another high point in the movie, though I could have done without some of the dorky 70's music. The soundtrack is so good that it has been re-released multiple times. While a majority of the movie doesn't have a lot of action, there is plenty in the final act. The scene I referenced before is truly awesome and it's no surprised it's been done in other productions so many times.

This should just be every heavy metal album cover ever

Even though I knew what was going to happen, I still really enjoyed Carrie. The story is very believable and still relevant today. Even though the movie is a bit lengthy, it never felt too long or drawn out. The acting is great with special accolades going to Sissy Spacek and Piper Laurie. It was also fun to see a young John Travolta. The direction and music are very well done and make the movie a complete package. If you've watched the prom scene, but never watched the full movie, do yourself a favor, and go see Carrie now. Make sure to avoid the ridiculous sequel, The Rage: Carrie 2 and the unnecessary made-for-TV remake. Plans are underway to remake the original with Chloe Moretz (Kick-Ass, Let Me In) as Carrie and Julianne Moore (Boogie Nights, The Big Lebowski) as Margaret White. Only time will tell if it will be as good as the original. 

9/10