Day 120: Proteus

Proteus

Who wants omelets?

Time for another Creature Feature movie. Rather than suffering through the crap-o-rama that is SyFy “exclusive movies” with ridiculous titles and even more ridiculous concepts (Ice Spiders, Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus), I thought I go for something in the mid 1990's. Oh, how I miss the 90's. It was a simpler time back then. Bill Clinton was President, cartoons were still great, and Mike Tyson was still the baddest man on the planet. Surely this movie wouldn't have some insane Roger Corman-like creature that would make a bad acid trip look like a Disney movie. Surely.

Proteus is a sci-fi/horror movie from 1995 starring Craig Fairbrass (Dead Cert, Cliffhanger) as the drug smuggling Alex. Alex takes a heroin-filled yacht out to sea with smugglers Paul, Linda, Rachel, Christine and Mark. An accident occurs, leaving them stranded on a life raft in the middle of the ocean. The come across a seemingly abandoned oil rig and climb aboard. The rig is not abandoned because they come across a few workers and a Dr. Shelley. Shelley informs them that the rig is actually a hi-tech research facility being used for biological experiments. The research is being paid for by a rich old man named Brinkstone who is looking to unlock the secrets of immortality. Shelley disappears and the group encounters a security guard, who tells them to hide from someone or something named Charlie. As they are waiting for Charlie to attack, the security guard transforms into a hideous monster. Rachel is attacked and they take her to the medical facility. While she is resting, the creature drops down from the ceiling and into her mouth, possessing her. The creature then possesses the others, leaving Alex and Linda to fight for their lives. Alex, who reveals that he is a DEA agent, finds a video of Dr. Shelley explaining that Charlie their creation from a mixture of DNA splicing and a shark. Charlie is evolving and supposedly cannot be killed. His one weakness is heroin. Will Alex and Linda be able to kill Charlie and get off the rig alive?

Heroin is one helluva drug

A heroin-addicted, possibly immortal creature that can possess the bodies of humans? Yeah that's pretty far out there even in the science fiction/horror world. Proteus is best lumped into the category of monster movies that you'd rent from the video store and then feel completely stupid that you wasted your weekend movie pick on something so stupid. It would be right there on the shelf next to Carnosaur and Dentist II. The movie has a pretty small budget, with shots in the ocean looking like it was done in a swimming pool at the local YMCA. Just because the movie is cheap, doesn't mean that the story has to be cheap as well. For a majority of the movie, we believe that Alex, despite being the hero, is a drug smuggler. I found myself thinking “Why the hell should I cheer for these people? They're drug smugglers and drug users. Fuck them. Get 'em, Proteus!” It's hard to be sympathetic when you have contempt for the characters. Usually that's reserved for one specific character so when they day, the audience can shout a collective “Good!” It doesn't work so well when most of the characters are scumbags.

Despite a barely-coherent script and some bad dialogue, Craig Fairbrass actually does a good job. He's actually had a pretty long career and was even in the very first movie I reviewed, Dead Cert. I hated that movie, but his acting was still good, even in that garbage. He doesn't get much help from his supporting cast, who's acting skills range from balsam to oak in terms of wooden acting. The makeup on the possessed people actually looks pretty good. The big payoff when “Charlie” is finally revealed is pretty laughable. It looks like a mixture of a great white shark, a dinosaur, and an octopus. And it's addicted to heroin. How convenient. Even watching a movie from the mid 90's, I can't avoid seeing a Sharktopusasaurus. It didn't help that one scene where Charlie attacks people looks like something out of a Japanese tentacle rape scene.

(shudder)

Proteus is a weird creature feature/science fiction movie that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. There are some decent action scenes and even a good amount of blood. The term “blood sprinkler” comes to mind for one scene. Craig Fairbrass does well with his limited script and even more limited supporting cast. The monster looks very silly and pretty unoriginal. The movie was able to hold my attention, but that's about it. No need to run out to the local flea market and dig through the used VHS movies for this one.

3/10

Day 119: Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes

Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes

The only good tomato is in a bottle of ketchup or a jar of sauce

Cartoons in the 80's and early 90's were the best. Granted, most of them were made just to sell toys (G.I. Joe, Dino Riders, Go Bots), but they were still really fun to watch. Saturday morning were filled with hours of cartoons on multiple channels. Seriously, CBS, NBC, ABC, and FOX all showed cartoons. Those were usually followed by WWF Wrestling and American Gladiators. I played soccer, Little League baseball, and eventually travel hockey, so it's not like I was glued to the TV, but I still have fond memories of waking up early and soaking in the cartoons. One I specifically remember is Attack of the KillerTomatoes. Sure, it was mostly based off the Return Of The Killer Tomatoes (starring a mulleted George Clooney!) but this is where it all started and it was time to figure out just what the hell I was watching as a kid.

Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes is a 1978 horror comedy directed by John DeBello and starring David Miller as Mason Dixon. A serious of violent attacks on people committed by sentient tomatoes is gripping small communities and the government is desperately trying to keep it under wraps. The President's press secretary, Jim Richardson (George Wilson) tries to convince the public that there is no real threat from tomatoes while the President assembles a team to stop the tomato menace. Led by FBI agent Mason Dixon, his team includes Sam Smith, a master of disguise, Navy diver Greg Colburn, Russian Olympic swimmer Greta Attenbaum, and parachuted soldier Wilbur Finletter. Reporter Lois Fairchild has been given the task to break the story wide open and follows Dixon. The tomatoes kill Greta and push back the humans after a big battle. How will Mason Dixon and the humans defeat these killer tomatoes and who is behind their murderous rampage?

Not when they have such stylish ear muffs

Just from the title, you can tell that this is a silly movie. The real question is, “Is the movie funny?” The answer is sort of in the middle. There are some genuine laughs and creative ideas. There are plenty of spoofs and send-ups to famous horror movies such as Jaws and The Blob. People screaming in horror while tomatoes roll down the street are good for a few chuckles. The theme song along will get stuck in your head all day. The movie is very dated and stuck heavily in the 70's. While some of the jokes and references are timeless, a bulk of them do not hold up to the test of time and the humor is lost on a modern audience. I couldn't get over the hideous clothes, furniture, and buildings. Granted, that's more the fault of the 70's beyond a drug-filled waste of a decade, but good comedy movie should be funny no matter when you see them. Just take a look at some of Mel Brooks's films. Those are still funny to this day.

The acting throughout is not particularly good and when you have a comedy, the acting is everything. A quick search on imdb for some of the actors yield very little in the way of other movie credits. Another big component to a good comedy is smart and competent writing. The movie has small flourishes of good writing, but not enough to carry the movie. It seriously drags towards the end, which should never happen in a comedy. Granted, the movie is still better than say Disaster Movie or Meet the Spartans or any of those terrible spoofs Hollywood keeps cranking out, but it's not Airplane or The Naked Gun. 

The horror...the horror

It was nice to finally see the original movie that spawned a strange and fun cartoon from my youth. It's actually quite surprising that a children's cartoon ever came out of such a weird movie. Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes has it's moments, but as far as spoofs go, it just didn't make the cut. The acting and writing is sub-par and a lot of the jokes are dated or just plain not funny. Still, it's a cult classic for a reason, and still worth a viewing just to check it off your list.

4.5/10

Day 118: Mask Maker

Mask Maker

Stupid mask. We can see the zipper.

I have to get this out of the way before I can start. Mask maker, mask maker, make me a mask. Find me a find, catch me a catch. Ok, I feel much better now. I haven't watched a slasher movie in a while and decided to give a modern movie a try. It feels like most modern slashers just go through the motions and come off like Friday The 13^th and Halloween rehashes. Will Mask Maker show me something new or just the same old stuff?

Mask Maker (originally and unfortunately titled Maskerade) is a 2010 horror slasher starring Nikki Deloach (Days Of Our Lives, Ringer) as Jennifer and Stephen Colletti (One Tree Hill, Kill Katie Malone) as her boyfriend Evan. Evan secretly purchased a 19^th century plantation home and takes Jennifer out to see it. At first she is mad that he made such a big decision without her, but she quickly gets over it pretty quickly. They invite their friends for a house warming/fixing party. The house has a history and locals refuse to talk about it. One man, Mr. Peck (Terry Kiser, Weekend At Bernies, Friday the 13^th Part VII) is particularly afraid of the house and refuses to answer questions. The group unknowingly resurrect the man who used to live at the house. He suffered from some sort of skin condition and had to stay wrapped in bandages. Though some sort of voodoo, he has come back and is an unstoppable killing machine. He goes on a killing spree of the friends, cutting off their faces and wearing them as masks (hence, Mask Maker). Jennifer discovers that Mr. Peck is connected with Mask Maker through their sordid past. Will Jennifer be able to stop Mask Maker and get out alive?

Fork you

If this feels like you've seen this movie before, you're not alone. On the surface, it's pretty much your average “College Kids Go To Murdertown”. There are plenty of slasher movie cliches, including people going off to have sex only to be killed, the silent, faceless inhuman killer, and secretive townspeople. There's the usual nudity and the killer uses an axe as his weapon of choice. The movie deserves credit with their attempt to add some voodoo/magic curse into the mix, but it's never fully explored and just left me kind of confused. Ultimately, none of the back story is important, which is a shame because it could have helped set the movie apart from other slashers. Really, its just a combination of all the good slasher tropes with a dash of originality.

The film is well shot and looks good compared to some of the lower-budget affairs that are now polluting the horror genre. The directing is fine and the acting is passable, though Terry Kiser plays a drunk the way Andy Dick plays someone normal. There are some good acts of violence, though the movie lacks the amount of blood and gore necessary to make it particularly thrilling. That's not to say there isn't plenty of stabbing and chopping, just not as much as I expected. I mean, the killer wears people's faces. You'd think that'd be incredibly gorey and violent, but not really. In fact, there is one scene where he wears one of the female friend's faces complete with long hair. It is unintentionally funny as he looks like a cross between Leatherface and Bjork. 

Weekend At Bernie's gets a gritty reboot

If you've seen a slasher movie before, you've already seen most of Mask Maker. While it's not particularly original, it still has some entertainment value. There are some good kills, though the lack of extreme blood and gore is unfortunate. The movie has it's moments and it's not a bad watch, but it could have been better.

6/10

Day 117: Waxwork

Waxwork

Hunter S. Thompson's brain on a good day

A friend of mine that reads my blog, who is a big horror fan himself, asked me if a movie quote came from Dolls or Waxwork. I had never seen Waxwork, so I wasn't entirely sure at the time. In fact, I had never even heard of Waxwork. I wasn't sure what to expect, especially since I had no idea what a “Waxwork” was. Would the movie be a mixture of House of Wax and Dolls or something completely different? Judging from the poster art, it looks like it could really be scary! Seriously, look at the poster. That is some crazy shit right there. Let's give it a shot and see if I can figure out where that quote came from.

Waxwork is a 1988 horror/comedy starring Zach Galligan (Gremlins, Infested) as rich student Mark Loftmore. Mark is having trouble in school and his ex girlfriend China is going out with the school jock. China and her friend Sarah are invited to a viewing of a Waxwork museum at midnight by the strange David Lincoln (David Warner, Cross of Iron, Tron) and are told to invite their friends. The group splits up to look at the very life-like displays and two of the friends step beyond the velvet rope and are transported into the living scene. One is a scene involving a werewolf that kills the boy that walked into the scene and the other involves China being attacked by Dracula. The wax scenes alter to make the dead bodies look like they are not real. Mark gets a detective to investigate the waxwork, but Lincoln shoves the detective into the scene containing The Mummy who kills him. Mark and Sarah do some research and find out that Mark's grandfather was murdered and the only suspect was a man that looks exactly like Lincoln. They speak with his grandfather's friend Sir Wilfred, and learn that Lincoln sold his soul to the devil, stolen trinkets collected by his grandfather from the 18 most evil beings who ever lived. By feeding each wax scene a soul, it will bring about the being's resurrection, which will destroy the world. Mark and Sarah go to the waxwork to burn it down, but Mark ends up in a zombie scene and Sarah in a Marquis de Sade. Mark escapes the zombie scene because he does not believe it is real. Sarah does not want to leave de Sade, but Mark convinces her that the scene is not real and they escape back to reality. Unfortunately, Lincoln was able to get 2 other souls to be sacrificed and the 18 beings come to life. Will Mark, Sarah, and Sir Wilfred be able to stop them and save the world?

"Did you eat all the raspberry pie?

This movie has an interesting, if not weird concept. I couldn't get over the fact that of the 18 most evil beings, most of them come from horror and literature. They use zombies, Dracula, the Mummy, the Wolfman, and body snatchers for example. If you're going to use fictional characters, why would you include the Marquis de Sade, who actually existed? I guess they wanted to get across some weird, Cinemax After Dark thing with Sarah (which was incredibly uncomfortable and unnecessary), but why use a real person? They clearly got lazy because we see flashes of unknown, generic beings like some sort of mutant baby and an axe murderer. What, there wasn't enough famous monsters to use? I like the idea, but the execution wasn't very good. Waxwork is also classified as a comedy, and while there are a few scenes worth cracking a smile at, it wasn't particularly funny.

It was weird seeing a movie where the protagonists are rich yuppies. Watching this through 2012 eyes, I can't really think of a reason why they made the characters rich snobs. It just seems odd and unnecessary. There are a few good scenes of violence and plenty of nods to classic movies and literature. The acting is decent, with David Warner putting on the best performance. Mihaly Meszaros (Big Top Pee-Wee, Freaked) is enjoyable in his small role as Hans the butler. The directing is good and makes the best of an odd and sometimes convoluted story.

So...incredibly...uncomfortable

Waxwork is an interesting and fun premise, but unfortunately the execution is poor. The movie doesn't know if it wants to be horror or comedy and achieves neither. The story is a bit confused and jumbled with logic taking a backseat to cramming in different classic horror references. There are some good scenes of violence and decent acting, but not enough to overcome the weak writing. Waxwork is good if you're looking for something from the 80s that you may not have seen before. Otherwise, you can probably skip it. Oh and to answer the question, the quote came from Dolls. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.

4/10

Day 116: H.P. Lovecraft's The Tomb

H.P. Lovecraft's The Tomb

No, bullshit will lure you in

I really enjoy H.P. Lovecraft's work. I'm such a fan that I even visited his grave. The first story I ever read by him was The Rats In The Walls and I was legitimately spooked by the end. There's something about his brand of horror and science fiction that has an ageless quality to it. His worked has lead to the creation of the Cthulhu mythos (modern writers building a universe based off his works), video games, and movies. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, his works have not translated well on film. There are a few exceptions (check out my review of Dreams In The Witch-House), but overall the movies based off his stories are just not good. There has been talk of Guillermo Del Toro working on Lovecraft's “At The Mountains Of Madness,” but it is mired in studio and creative trouble. In the meantime, there's Ulli Lommel's (Zombie Nation, Zodiac Killer) movie The Tomb.

The original short story tells the tale of Jervas Dudley who sneaks into a mausoleum belonging to the Hyde family. He begins to sleep inside a tomb bearing the name of Jervas Hyde. He is unaware that he is being spied on and against his better judgment, goes to the tomb on a stormy night. He sees that the old Hyde mansion restored to it's former state and joins a party going on inside. Lightning strikes the mansion and Jervas loses consciousness. He is awoken by men working for his father and brought home. There he finds an antique box with a porcelain figure inside bearing a striking resemblance to Jervis and the initials J.H. Jervas becomes obsessed with the crypt and begins to lose his sanity. 

Even H.P. Lovecraft couldn't make a movie so terrifyingly bad

The movie follows a bald man and a blonde woman (Victoria Ullman) are trapped inside some sort of warehouse by a shrouded killer. They discover various other people trapped in the warehouse who have all been tortured and die shortly after we are introduced to them. The scenes are interspersed with cuts of a masked person riding a horse for some reason. The blonde and the man try to escape the warehouse. How are they all connected and who is this mysterious killer?

If you couldn't tell, the movie has noting to do with Lovecraft's short story. Nothing. Not a fucking thing. It's flat out wrong to include Lovecraft's name in this visual and mental trainwreck. It's a cheap trick to get people to watch a movie that would languish at the bottom of the $1 bin at the Dollar General. The story just that its such a confusing nonsensical mess that I can barely explain what is going on. It's as if someone watched Saw, took out all the good parts and puked on the camera used to shoot this abomination. The acting is downright horrendous. I've seen better performances by schizophrenics on a New York subway. It's not like the have much to work with because of the inane dialogue given to them. 

Cute puppies will lessen my rage at this movie

Lommel wasn't content with writing this piece of shit, but felt the need to bring his assness (if that's not a word, it should be) to the director's chair. Scenes are too dark and the sets a woefully cheap. I guess it's technically set in a tomb, but it looks like a half empty warehouse or beneath the bleachers of a local high school. Scenes jump too often with unnecessary and confusing shots. There's some violence, but its just so incredibly stupid that I can't even enjoy it. The ending is so confused and moronic that I am actually insulted for having watched this. It's like they said “Congratulations, you sat through this putrid pile of fuck, here's an ending so terrible you'll actually lose a few IQ points.”

The Tomb is so bad, I actually stopped two teenagers from getting it. If you like H.P. Lovecraft, I beg you not to watch this. If you like good stories, do not watch this. If you like good acting, or directing, or action, do not watch this. I would rather sit through a 24 hour marathon of Battlefield:Earth than watch this again. I would rather sleep on a bed of angry porcupines and use fire ants as a blanket than watch this again. I would rather have a naked jello wrestling match with Rush Limbaugh after he swallowed an entire bottle of Viagara and Siracha than watch this again. Fuck this movie with the power of a thousand suns.

-1/10

Day 115: Masters of Horror: Sounds Like

Masters of Horror: Sounds Like

I can't ear you

Personally, I like noise. Now, I'm not saying I like to hear gunshots or screams coming from the other room. I'm talking more about background and ambient noise. I prefer to sleep with music or a fan on, just so there is something going on. There's something comforting about a background that breaks the silence. Maybe it's because it stops the mind from focusing too much on the everyday problems. But what if every sound was excruciating to you? What if a scratching pen was like a rake being dragged over your brain? How would that effect you?

Masters of Horror: Sounds Like stars Chris Bauer (The Wire, Face/Off) as Larry Pearce. Larry is a quality control supervisor for a tech support call center. His job is to listen in on his worker's conversation to insure that they are meeting the customer's needs in a timely manner. Larry has an extremel ability to hear even the slightest sounds. He can hear conversations from across the room or the clicking sound of his wife Brenda's (Laura Margolis, Dirty Sexy Money, The Strangers) knitting needles. It was this ability that allowed Larry to hear that something was wrong inside his son. Despite hearing the anomaly, Larry was unable to save his son. Wracked with grief, Larry can no longer stand his wife Brenda, who desperately wants to have another child. Larry overhears a tech giving comforting personal advice to a woman caller. Rather than fire him, Larry confides in the tech and even takes him out to lunch. He is shocked when he finds out the tech reported him for being inappropriate. Larry's heightened sense of hearing gets worse, slowly driving him insane. He finally snaps when Brenda tells him she is pregnant by smashing everything making a noise in his house. The next day, sounds no longer bother him. That does not last long as the sounds become more intense with a very specific, almost squirming sound. What is the sound and what will Larry do to silence it?

"What's this horrible noise? Dubstep you say?"

While it may not seem like Sounds Like is a horror movie, in fact, it fits in very well with the Twilight Zone and The Outer Limits. You can practically hear Ron Serling's voice talking about an ordinary man with an extraordinary ability. To me, that's a very high compliment. The movie doesn't have any supernatural monsters or loads of horrific violence. It makes it's horror through the slow, agonizing torture of one man just through his sense. Chris Bauer puts on a very convincing role and without him, this movie would not have succeeded. Laura Margolis is just the right amount of annoying to make us feel like we are in Larry's shoes. When Larry hears a sound, the audience hears it too. It can be very grating, and I know that's the point, but it does become unpleasant at times. If you have sensitive ears, turn down the volume while watching.

The Masters of Horror hour-long format usually works for the short stories the movies are based on, but it felt too long for Sounds Like. Some episodes have too much crammed into them, but this movie was stretched out with not a lot of action. There is some mystery and intrigue to keep the audience from drifting into boredom, but there could have been a little bit more action. Maybe another flashback with Larry's son or an explanation of how his hearing became so sensitive. 

Larry smash!

If you're a fan of old school horror like Twilight Zone, The Outer Limits, and even Hitchcock, I think you'll enjoy Masters of Horror: Sounds Like. If you prefer monsters and bloody violence, you're be incredibly bored. The story is simple, but creative and the acting really makes the story work. The hour-long format is a bit of a stretch, but not enough to stop watching. Sounds Like is the thinking man's horror movie and worth your time.

7.5/10

Day 114: From Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money

From Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money

The blood money comes from the paying audience

Sequels are a complicated thing. Sometimes there is clearly a need for future movies, such as with comic book characters or a series. Other times, it's a cash grab after some unexpected success from the first movie. And something more common in today's crowded market is the direct-to-video, almost completely unrelated sequel. Welcome to From Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money.

From Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money is a direct-to-video vampire moving starring Robert Patrick (Terminator 2: Judgement Day, The Sopranos) as criminal Buck. Buck finds out that his old partner, Luther (Duane Whitaker, Tales From The Hood, Feast) has escaped from prison. He is being pursued by Texas ranger Otis Lawson (Bo Hopkins, American Graffiti, Radioland Murders) who pays a visit to Buck to see if he knows Luther's whereabouts. Luther gets in touch with Buck and they bring together their old gang for one last bank robbery south of the border. The group gets a motel room while Luther goes to scout out the place they are planning on robbing. While driving, Luther accidentally hits and kills bat that flies in front of his car. His car won't start, so he heads to a local bar, The Titty Twister, where calls to tell Buck he's getting a ride from the bartender, Razor Eddie (Danny Trejo, From Dusk Till Dawn, Machete). Razor Eddie finds the dead bat, which turns out to be his vampire friend, and Eddie bites Luther in revenge. The gang heads to the bank with the now undead Luther, who slowly turns each member of the gang into vampires. The break into the vault when Otis finally catches up to them and has the place surrounded. Will Buck, the only gang member still human, be able to fight the vampires with Otis and avoid being arrested?

Machete don't text

This movie has very little to do with the first From Dusk Till Dawn. With the exception of Danny Trejo, the Titty Twister, Mexico, and vampires, Texas Blood Money has nothing to do with it's predecessor. At least they made a half-assed effort with the inclusion of Danny Trejo, but why not have him be a bigger part of the movie? You can tell that it was written as a separate vampire movie that just happened to get “From Dusk Till Dawn” tacked on to the name, similar to the Steven Seagal movie, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory. Everything about the movie is half-hearted. The acting is phoned-in, the humor from the first movie is seriously lacking, and the plot is far too simplistic. The violence is decent, particularly the final scenes of the movie with a good amount of blood.

Another thing that seriously bothered me is that the movie was advertised as starring Bruce Campbell and Tiffani-Amber Thiessen. Don't worry, they are actually in the movie...for about the first 5 minutes. It's wrong of the movie to lure in people thinking Bruce Campbell is going to be a big part of this movie when he is barely in it. It's not false advertising, but its definitely deceptive. It just acts as a reminder that the movie could have been fun, but comes off as a mediocre B-movie with a weak connection to the original movie. There's also a third movie, which acts as a prequel to the first movie and rumors of a fourth movie being made. Maybe those will have a stronger connection than this one.

Taken from the DVD's perspective in the $5 bin

From Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money isn't deserving of the moniker. It's name and mention of Bruce Campbell lure horror fans into purchasing or watching the movie in hopes of seeing something great. While the movie is ok with some good violence, it just doesn't live up to the hype. If you don't have high hopes and want to watch some vampires in the desert, this movie isn't half bad. If you loved the first From Dusk Till Dawn, you're going to be severely disappointed. Especially because there is no Salma Hayek.

5/10