The Worst Of 365 Days Of Horror

A "Worst Of" list from all the movies I have reviewed

Going down

 

I gave you the best, now here's the worst. When you watch 365 horror movies, you're bound to find a whole bunch of duds. When a horror movie is great, it is truly great. It's far easier to make a bad movie than a good one and it's very apparent in horror. Go to your local Wal-Mart, convenience store, or gas station and you'll probably see a pile of cheap horror movies, most of which you've never heard of. This project allowed me to see some truly great classic horror movies. It also allowed me to see some of the worst bits of entertainment committed to film. There were some movies that were so bad that I couldn't even get through them. While I could probably write for days about each terrible movie, below is a comprehensive list of the worst offenders, split into sub genres. Hope you enjoy my hate!

Worst Overall Movie

H.P. Lovecraft's The Tomb

How can one movie get something things wrong? H.P. Lovecraft is one of my favorite writers, but for whatever reason, most of the movies based off his work are terrible. I can't say that The Tomb falls into this category because it does not follow the Lovecraft story. I mean, at all. The original story is a great work of the macabre. The movie is just a confused, muddled mess of nothingness. I understand that budget constraints make some of his grander stories hard to create. The Tomb doesn't have that problem because there is no budget. I have no idea who the characters are or what is going on in this movie. The acting is horrible and the direction is almost non-existant. The best part of the movie is when I stopped watching it. Easily the worst out of 365 movies.

Runner-Up: The Zombie Diaries

Zombie Movie (Romero)

Survival of the Dead

It's no secret that I love George Romero's original “...Of The Dead” trilogy. They are what got me into a horror. While some of his non-zombie movies have been less than stellar, he is still the godfather of the undead. Like criticizing your favorite band for putting out an album that you don't like, I find it hard to point out the problems in Survival Of The Dead. Not because there aren't any (believe me, there are plenty) it's just that it's almost painful to see where things went wrong. I appreciate that the story connects with Diary Of The Dead as it adds a nice touch of continuity. Unfortunately, the rest of the story feels incredibly forced and, at times, confusing. Why are there two Irish families feuding on some island in America? And more importantly, why do we care? There is some decent action, but nowhere near the level of brutal violence and gore we've come to expect from a Romero zombie movie. Rather than going out with a bang, Survival ends the second zombie trilogy with a sad whimper.

Runner-up: Diary of the Dead

Zombie Movie (non-Romero)

The Zombie Diaries

A picture is worth a thousand words. The cover for The Zombie Diaries dvd looks like a fun, action-packed zombie bloodfest. None of that happens in this shaky found-footage borefest. It starts off relatively interesting, but the action never picks up. The story is as excruciatingly slow as the snail-paced zombies. It jumps between different groups of people, whom the audience does not know or care about. I was left bored and confused the entire length of the movie. The ending tries to be shocking, but by the time I reached the end, I just didn't care. It's shocking that they actually made a sequel to this movie considering just how bad the original is. I highly recommend that you stay far away from this movie.

Runner-up: The Quick and the Dead

Vampire Movie

Bloodrayne

Just about everything in this movie is bad, but what do you expect from Director Uwe Boll. He's the reverse Midas. Everything he touches turns to garbage. I knew that the movie was going to be bad before I watched it, it was just a matter of how bad. The story is moronic, the acting is terrible, and Michael Madsen's wig should be considered a dangerous animal. At least the movie has lots of blood and violence. Stupid, pointless violence, but violence nonetheless. I've never played the video game, so I can't compare and contrast it with the movie. Either way, Bloodrayne is further proof that video games should never be made into movies.

Runner-Up: Against the Dark

Werewolf Movie

Wolves Of Wall Street

There are no werewolves in this movie. None. Zero. Nada. Sure, there are some wolf sounds and some suggestive shadows, but no actual, on-screen shots of werewolves. I regret watching this movie so early into 365 DoH. If I had watched it later on, I would have been able to rip it apart even more. The story is goofy in the made-for-tv sense. It's clearly made on the the cheap and shots of the moon are reused so many times that it deserves top billing. There's no real horror or suspense to speak of. The only redeeming quality for the entire movie is that Elisa Donovan is in it. Beyond that, Wolves of Wall Street is just a pile of terrible.

Runner-Up: The Beast Of Bray Road

Monster Movie

Creature

Monster movies shouldn't be complicated. The old Universal monster movies got it right. Nowadays, monster movies need wild gimmicks to separate themselves from the plethora of horror movies that are churned out every day. The first 30 minutes are passable. Not good, but passable. It's not until the story finally kicks in that things fall off the rails, catch on fire, and crash into the side of a mountain. It's a goofy, convoluted legend about a man turning into some sort of alligator. It could have been fun in a SyFy sense, but it's not executed in a way where the story can be enjoyed. There are scenes of incest and sexual assault throughout the movie and neither are portrayed in a negative light. The monster does not look good and there is not as much violence as you'd expect. There's a reason why Creature made the least amount of money ever for a wide-release movie.

Runner-Up: Monsters

Foreign Movie

Ju-On

This one is partially my fault as I thought I would be watching the original Japanese version of The Grudge. I was half-right as there are certain parts of this movie in the American remake. I found the movie really hard to follow, even beyond language and cultural differences. It's relatively short, but still manages to bounce around between characters too much. I could not forge a strong connection to any characters because they would be out of the movie within 15 minutes. There are some unsettling moments and some decent suspense, but the movie lacks the proper amount of action. Most of the violence is implied and while there is a decent amount of blood, some special effects are less than convincing. Ju-On isn't horrendously bad, it's just not good.

Runner-Up: Dead Cert

Slasher Movie

Rocktober Blood

Despite being quite bad, Rocktober Blood has a special place in my heart. I fondly remember watching it (on VHS!) with my friend and laughing at how ridiculous it is. As far as slashers go, it's not suspenseful or scary, just silly. The idea of a killer that comes back from the grave to kill again is not particularly original, but it doesn't matter as the killer is portrayed in such a way that no one anywhere ever could be afraid of him. The one good takeaway is that the music in the movie is performed by the metal band Sorcery. The songs are extremely catchy. Don't believe me? Well check out this song and see if you're not humming it later on. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvB78T2KUFc

Runner-Up: Bloody Birthday

Horror Comedy

Shocker

Wait, this movie was supposed to be funny? It's the worst type of horror comedy when the movie is neither scary nor funny. Even the Scary Movie series manages to force a chuckle once in a while. Shocker tries to give us some slapstick physical comedy, but it's so hackneyed that the Three Stooges would blush. The story of an executed killer gaining electric super powers and the main character being able to have weird visions doesn't make much sense, even for a horror movie. Things just kind of happen throughout with no regard for continuity or the audience's sanity. The biggest insult of all is that Wes Craven wrote and directed this terrible movie. It would have been scarier to see Rush Limbaugh naked. Funnier too.

Runner-Up: Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes

Demonic Movie

The Devil's Rock

Sometimes you take a chance on the movie, having no prior knowledge to guide your decision. It might lead you to a pleasant surprise, much like when I watched Pontypool. Then again, it might lead you to The Devil's Rock. I was drawn in by the World War II aspect of the movie. I feel that there is a serious lack of good war-based horror movies and always like to give them a chance. Unfortunately, The Devil's Rock is a boring story about some sort of demon being held in a German bunker. The cast is razor thin as I believe there are only 4 people with speaking roles in the entire film. The demon's mind games are as predictable as the characters actions, leaving me bored and annoyed. It doesn't help that the demon looks stereotypical and cartoonish. You might actually find a better demon at your next Halloween party. By the end, I didn't care what happened and just wanted the movie to be over. So much for good war-based horror. You win some, you lose some.

Runner-Up: Blessed

Stephen King Movie

Maximum Overdrive

Stephen King is one of the the best horror writers in the modern era. Just about everyone has either read or seen one of his works. Unfortunately, some of his stories have received less than favorable treatments on the big screen. Well, if you want something right, do it yourself. Maximum Overdrive is King's directorial debut. Of course, this was during his coked-up 80's faze and it shows. The killer machine idea is nothing new, but their portrayal in this movie is far too silly to be considered scary. The movie gets stuck in one location and drags on for too long. Emilio Estevez is fine in his role, though not much was required of him. As a first-time director King was passable. Still, the story is better suited for an episode of the Twilight Zone and not a full-length movie. The wailing soundtrack by AC/DC doesn't help, either.

Runner-Up: Graveyard Shift

Sci-Fi Horror Movie

Proteus

A heroin-addicted sea monster? Check. Cheap mid-90's sets? Check. Mullets? Check. Proteus is your basic science-fiction monster movie complete with ridiculous evil bad-guy plot thrown on top of everything. The hero and his companions are portrayed as a drug smugglers, so it's hard to cheer for them to survive. The dialogue is very bad, but actor Craig Fairbrass manages to do a decent job. His supporting cast does him no favors and bring down the entire movie. The monster itself looks hilariously bad. It actually makes Carnosaur look like it should be in Jurassic Park. If you can't make a good monster, don't make a monster movie.

Runner-Up: Splice

Horror Anthology

From A Whisper To A Scream

 

This movie suckered me in by having Vincent Price in it. Sadly, he's only in a few scenes, but still manages to be the best thing in it. Everything about this anthology is terrible. There are too many stories and none of them are particularly good. The horror is weak and the storytelling is just not there to keep the audience interested. The ideas for the stories aren't bad, just unoriginal. The problem lies in the execution as the acting is poor and the sets are cheap. A little bit of money and effort could have made the movie far more enjoyable. Instead, it's just a painful reminder that I could be watching Creepshow instead.

Runner-Up: Deadtime Stories Vol. 1

Masters Of Horror

Chocolate

Masters of Horror put out plenty of dudes (Dance of the Dead, Haeckel's Tale), but they usually managed to be horror-centric stories. Chocolate doesn't even come close to horror. The idea of seeing horrible violence through another's point of view has been done before (For example, The Eye) and done better. The acting is pretty bad (with the exception of Matt Frewer) and the story is meandering and pointless. There is nothing scary or even exciting about Chocolate. It's all just one big waste of time. I legitimately feel bad for anyone who buys this on a whim. I've seen Disney movies scarier than this.This was painful to sit through.

Runner-Up: Dance Of The Dead, Haeckel's Tale

Remake

Freakshow

I usually question the necessity for remakes, but I can understand the desire to remake the classic 1932 movie “Freaks”. It's old enough where a good chunk of your audience probably have not seen it. It doesn't help, though, when you classify your remake as a “modern retelling” and the only changes you make are nudity and violence. At first, I thought Freakshow was just ripping off Freaks until I did a little research. The original was supremely unsettling while the remake is just boring and uninspired. There's a lot of talk and planning in the movie with very little action until the rushed ending. I'm not a fan of watching torture which is a problem considering the last 10 minutes of the movie are just torture. The scene is painfully slow and unpleasant, just like the rest of the movie.

Runner-Up: The Hitcher

The Best Of 365 Days Of Horror

A "Best Of" list from all the movies I have reviewed

Better than all the rest

Greetings fellow horror fans. Have you missed me? I sure missed you. I know I posted back in January that I was going to post a few more things, but life always manages to get in the way. To make up for my lack of posting, here is my "Best Of" list where I break down some of my favorite movies from the past year. If you think I should add another genre or missed out of something, leave me a comment. I'll be doing a "Worst Of" list soon as well. Hopefully it won't take me four months to get to like this post.

Zombie Movie (Romero)

Dawn of the Dead

George Romero sure does love his zombie movies. Most people split them up into two categories: The original “...Of The Dead” trilogy of Night, Dawn, and Day and then the recent trilogy of Land, Diary, and Survival. Most would agree that the second trilogy is far inferior to the first three movies. Each of those movies have their moments, but they have too many flaws to even be mentioned in the same breath as the original trilogy. While Night and Day are both entertaining, Dawn Of The Dead is really head and shoulders above the rest. The action starts off right away, the characters are good, and the violence is great. The movie really picks up when they get to the mall, fulfilling the audience's fantasy of doing whatever they want. As is common with Romero's other movies, Dawn has a lot of smart social commentary and really positions people as the real monster.

Runner-Up: Night Of The Living Dead

Zombie Movie (non-Romero)

Pontypool

Pontypool really caught me by surprise. I watched the movie on a whim with no prior knowledge. I saw no trailers, read no reviews. I hadn't even heard of it until I started watching. It's a smart zombie movie that is also incredibly scary. While it may not have as much blood or violence as your typical zombie movie, it stays true to the basic tenets of zombie horror. There is a true sense of panic and utter hopelessness as the movie progresses. I also appreciated that the zombies come about not because of radiation or the dead coming back to life, but because of “infected” words that change people. It's abstract and unique, yet still plausible.

Runner-Up: Exit Humanity

Vampire Movie

From Dusk Till Dawn

Despite almost half the movie having no vampires, From Dusk Till Dawn is still an incredibly entertaining vampire movie. It doesn't hurt that the cast includes George Clooney, Harvey Keitel, Juliette Lewis, Quentin Tarantino, and a bikini-clad Salma Hayek. The movie has equal parts action, suspense, and horror, all of which make for an incredibly fun watch. It's over-the-top entertainment thanks to the great performances and director Robert Rodriguez's incredible eye for action.

Runner-Up: John Carpenter's Vampires

Werewolf Movie

An American Werewolf In London

Director John Landis manages to create a werewolf movie that is both scary and funny. The movie is best known for it's werewolf transformation scene. Unlike previous movies, the transformation takes place in clear light for an extended period. Thanks to incredible special effects, the audience practically feel the pain of the transformation as well. It's your traditional werewolf movie, but thanks to good acting and solid direction, An American Werewolf In London is a great watch.

Runner-Up: Ginger Snaps

Monster Movie

The Host

The Host is fashioned after the classic Godzilla movies from Japan. The movie has plenty of emotion and lots of social and environmental commentary. The monster itself looks very good thanks to some great special effects work. The characters are all likable and relatable. Thankfully the movie is in it's native Korean and not dubbed. It's a little long, but it's worth it.

Runner-Up: Monster Brawl

Foreign Movie

Frontier(s)

Frontier(s) came out of nowhere for me. I had never heard of it before and decided to watch it on a whim. It is shockingly violent, but does not rely on gore alone. It's brutal, grim, and gritty, and not for everyone. The sets and natural locations both look very good and transport the viewer to another place, fully enveloping them in horror.

Found Footage Movie

Cloverfield

Cloverfield manages to put the audience directly in the path of a gigantic monster. The movie uses Manhattan to it's advantage with scenes on bridges, on the streets, and in subways. You really feel like you're right there with the characters. There's even a decent love story thrown in for good measure. The monster looks great and some great camera work makes Cloverfield more than just another shaky-cam headache-a-thon.

Runner-Up: Quarantine

Favorite Slasher Movie

Satan's Little Helper

I have a special love for Satan's Little Helper. It's cheap, simple, and occasionally stupid, but it's still incredibly fun. The mask for “Satan” looks great and I love that we never see the killer's face. Technically, we're not even sure of the killer's true identity. The ending manages to be both scary and depressing, a high accomplishment for a lesser-known movie. While it might not make it on many (or any) lists, I enjoyed it immensely and have given it multiple views.

Runner-Up: Halloween

Favorite Universal Monster

Dracula

The classic story is full of horror, romance, and romantic horror. Bela Lugosi is the one and only Dracula and everyone else after him is just holding his place until he inevitably rises from the grave once more. The movie is over 80 years old and hasn't lost anything to time or changing trends. The movie is drenched in shadow giving it an unshakable creepiness that stands to this day.

Runner-Up: Frankenstein

Favorite Horror Comedy

Dracula: Dead And Loving It

It's Mel Brooks and Leslie Nielsen. What more could you want? The movie stays pretty true to the Dracula story, but still manages to cram in loads of laughs. While it may not be Brooks' best movie, it's still far better than any sort of “spoof” movie that has come out in the past twenty years. Comedy doesn't always work in horror, but Mel Brooks manages to do the impossible.

Runner-Up: Suck

Favorite Satanic Movie

Prince Of Darkness

I don't know why, but something about this movie legitimately scared me the first time I watched it. The slow descent of the outside world, the race against time, and the supernatural elements all work together to create something awkward and unsettling. We only see the arm of the Prince of Darkness and it still manages to be frightening. An unsung gem by John Carpenter.

Runner-Up: The Omen

Favorite Stephen King Movie

Misery

Misery is scary because it is very real. There's no supernatural elements, no aliens, no magic powers. Just a man trapped in a room with a psychopath. The real praise goes to James Caan and Kathy Bates who put in award-winning caliber performances. Director Rob Reiner does a great job giving us both thrills and chills. Misery proves that you don't need wild stories and fantasy to make good horror. Sometimes a person is the scariest monster.

Runner-Up: The Shining

Favorite Sci-Fi Horror Movie

The Thing

One of my all-time favorite movies. What can be scarier than an alien creature that can look like anything? An alien creature that can look like hideous twister monsters. Thanks to some great special effects, we see a monster straight out of our nightmares. The movie has plenty of mystery, action, suspense and horror. Kurt Russel is great as well as the rest of the supporting cast. One of John Carpenter's best.

Runner-Up: The Fly

Favorite Horror Anthology

Creepshow

When you combine two great horror minds like Stephen King and George Romero, you know you're in for a good time. Each story in Creepshow is highly enjoyable and could stand on it's own as a full-length. There are great performances from a myriad of talented actors that aren't necessarily synonymous with horror. People like Leslie Nielsen, Ted Danson, Ed Harris, Adrienne Barbeau, Hal Holbrook, and even Stephen King himself make the movie that much more enjoyable. The stories are all different and avoid falling into the usual horror cliches. Highly recommended.

Runner-Up: Trick R Treat

Favorite Masters Of Horror

Cigarette Burns

This was the one Masters of Horror episode that actually gave me the chills. I actually regret reviewing it so early because I feel like I probably missed some things. I really like everything about this movie; from the concept, to the acting, to the execution. Everything about it is as good as it is terrifying. The idea of a haunted video isn't new (The Ring anyone?), but once we actually see clips of said-haunted movie, everything becomes that much more terrifying. This could easily have been a full-length movie and could have even become a new horror classic.

Runner-Up: Family

Favorite Remake

The Crazies

The Crazies took a decent, if somewhat forgettable, George Romero horror movie and improved on it in just about every way. It manages to achieve both reasons for remaking a movie: Exposing the audience to something they might not have originally scene and making it better. The movie has lots of great action and some good scares. There are some memorable scenes and some pretty good acting that help the story along. I'm not the biggest fan of remakes, but The Crazies gives me hope for future ones.

Runner-Up: Fright Night

Most Shocking Moment

Eye-gouging scene from Zombie (Zombi 2)

Wow! This scene completely and utterly shocked me when I saw it. I was literally on the edge of my seat as I saw a woman pulled closer and closer to a piece of broken wood. Movies tend to cut away, leaving the brutal violence to the audience's imagination. Zombi stays with the scene, showing exactly what happens when the human eye meets something sharp. Here is the scene if you are morbidly curious.

Runner-Up: The “hobbling” scene from Misery

Day 341: The Shining

The Shining

Heeeeere's Shiny!

Stanley Kubrick is a director in his own category. His attention to every single minute detail is legendary. For Dr. Strangelove, Kubrick insisted on a large table in the war room be covered in green baize, despite the fact that the movie was in black and white. Malcolm Mcdowell was permanently injured from his iconic “eye” scene in A Clockwork Orange. Many people over the course of many of his films have said that Kubrick was incredibly difficult to work with and impossible to please. All of this because Kubrick had a vision for his art. Sometimes it was for the best and sometimes it was for the worst. When you combine Stephen King and Stanley Kubrick, you're bound to get something amazing.

The Shining is a 1980 horror movie adapted from the novel of the same name by Stephen King. The movie stars Jack Nicholson (Batman, One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest) as writer Jack Torrance and Shelley Duvall (Popeye, 3 Women) as his wife Wendy. They have a young son named Danny, whom they refer to as Doc. Danny has an imaginary friend named Tony that occasionally speaks for Danny. Jack is hired as the winter caretaker of the Overlook Hotel, a grand and glorious lodging in the secluded Rocky Mountains in Colorado. The job seems fairly easily, but the owner warns Jack that isolation and cabin fever can wear on people. He also tells Jack about a former caretaker, Charles Grady, went mad during the winter of 1970 and brutally murdered his two daughters and wife before killing himself. Undisturbed by this news, Jack moves his family to the hotel for the winter. During the tour, they meet chef Dick Halloran (Scatman Crothers, Twilight Zone: The Movie, the voice of Hong Kong Phoey) who befriends Danny. He calls him “Doc” even though he never hears Wendy call him by that name. Dick than shocks Danny by offering him ice cream telepathically. He explains that, as a child, Dick and his grandmother shared telepathic abilities that they referred to as “shining”. Other people, like Danny, have that ability and even the hotel “shines”. Danny then asks Dick if he is afraid of the hotel, specifically Room 237. He warns Danny to stay away from that room. A month passes and Jack's writing has gone nowhere. He begins a slow descent into madness, wandering around the hotel until he comes to the Gold Room and sits at the bar. There he meets a ghostly bartender named Lloyd (Joe Turkel, Blade Runner, The Killing) who serves Jack and listens to him complain about his marriage. Later, a frightened Wendy finds Jack at the bar telling him that there is a crazy woman in the hotel who tried to strangle Danny. Annoyed, Jack investigates and finds Room 237 open. He finds a beautiful naked woman in the bathroom and begins to kiss her only to be horrified when she turns into a decrepit old woman. When Wendy tells Jack that she wants to take Danny away, he becomes enraged and returns to the Gold Room. It's now filled with guests and Jack meets the previous caretaker Delbert Grady (Phillip Stone, A Clockwork Orange, Thuderball). Grady informs Jack that he must “correct” his wife and son, much like how he “corrected” his own wife and daughters. He also ominously tells Jack “You've always been the caretaker. I should know sir. I've always been here.” In Florida, Dick has a “shine” from Danny that he is in trouble and travels back to Colorado. Danny, now in a strange trance, begins to refer to himself as Tony and shouts “Redrum” over and over. With Jack's violent descent into madness now complete, will Dick be able to get to the hotel in time to save Wendy and Danny?

Or maybe Mark Mcgwire will show up and hit some dingers

Kubrick's movies are always intense and The Shining is no different. While he may not have made many horror movies, just about every one of his film's can be considered haunting. The Shining is an intense, engrossing horror film that completely envelopes the audience. The horror really comes in two forms: the isolation and Jack Nicholson. The movie is over 2 hours long, requiring the audience to become completely invested in the story. It makes us feel restless and uncomfortable, mimicking Jack's own cabin fever. I don't doubt that the movies length was a conscience decision by Kubrick. Stephen King himself said he did not like the adaptation as it took away a lot of the book's supernatural elements. He also did like the choice of Jack Nicholson, seeing as how he recently won the Academy Award for One Flew Over The Cuckoo's nest, his descent into madness was too obvious. The majority of people don't like to be alone for too long and, despite sitting in a movie theater or at home, The Shining makes you feel alone. There are also the standard horror scares thanks to Jack Nicholson's iconic performance. No one does “crazy” better than he does. Shelley Duvall's gaunt look and general mousiness can be see as an avatar for the audience's own fears and helplessness. Scatman Crothers is good as the sort-of hero despite not having a very big role.

The movie is very stylish thanks to the beautiful scenery and Kubrick's keen directorial eye. The Shining was one of the first movies to use a Stedicam. This allowed the movie long, steady shots such as following Danny on his tricycle rides through the hotel. The classic chase through the snow-covered hedge-maze was made possible thanks to the Stedicam as well. As with a lot of Kubrick's work, there are countless theories about what actually happens in the movie. I have read a few ranging from the possible (the movie is about Native American spirits) to the “huh?” (the movie is about the Holocaust). One could take the movie at face value, about a man going insane and attacking his family. Though muted, there is still a supernatural element, so perhaps it was evil spirits that caused Jack Torrance to lose his mind. Maybe he was a reincarnation of an older caretaker and given a second chance to make things right. I don't know if there's a right answer and I'll leave it up to you to decide what you think happens.

"I've always worn this sweater. ALWAYS."

The Shining is an intense watch from beginning to end. It's very long run time and bizarre events may be a bit difficult for some to endure, but it's worth the effort. The movie has a great performance from Jack Nicholson and Stanley Kubrick shines (pun intended) as the director. The movie looks beautiful and is full of iconic scenes. There are some good scares and plenty of memorable lines. Though the movie does differ from the novel and left writer Stephen King unhappy, the movie is still highly enjoyable. Take time out of your busy schedule because The Shining deserves your full attention.

9.5/10

Day 337: It

It

From the makers of "Is" and "A"

Coulrophobia is the fear of clowns. Thankfully I don't suffer from such a phobia. Clowns never bothered me. I remember looking forward to seeing them on a trip to the circus when I was little. I can understand, though, why someone would be terrified of a person in white makeup, brightly-colored baggy clothes, and a crazy grin. There's something slightly unnatural about their appearance and in-your-face approach to entertainment that doesn't sit right in people. It may also have to do with the fact that John Wayne Gacy was a clown. Whatever the reason may be, clowns have a tendency to show up in horror movies like House Of Fears, Masters Of Horror: We All Scream For Ice Cream, and Killer Klowns From Outer Space. But there's one movie where a clown is the epitome of fear.

It (also known as Stephen King's It) is a 1990 television movie based on the novel by Stephen King (Cujo, Misery). The two-part movie stars Tim Curry (Ritual, The Rocky Horror Picture Show) as Pennywise the Dancing Clown. In the small town of Derry, Maine a six-year old boy named Georgie Denbrough is playing with a toy boat when it was down into the sewer. A clown named Pennywise (referred by the characters as “It”) is down in the sewer and tempts Georgie to get closer. He grabs Georgie, tearing his arm off and killing him. Georgie's older brother Bill (Jonathan Bradis, Sidekicks, SeaQuest) blames himself for his brother's death and begins to stutter due to the trauma. Bill has a group of friends, Ben, Eddie, Beverly, Richie (Seth Green, Austin Powers, The Italian Job) and Stan who all encounter and are subsequently harassed by It. They are also bullied by Henry Bowers, a sadistic schoolmate who constantly threatens to kill them. Henry and his gang chase after Mike, an African American boy in their class, but Bill and his friends defend him. They vow to always stick together and protect each other. With their newfound courage, the group bands together to avenge the deaths of children killed by It. They discover his lair out in the woods and plan to kill him. Henry, who followed the group into the lair, sees his friend killed by It, causing his hair to turn white. After an intense fight, Beverly is able to hit It in the head with a piece of silver. The wound opens up, exposing light from his head before he escapes down a drain. A traumatized Henry confesses to It's murders and is institutionalized. Thirty years later, murders begin to happen again in Derry. An adult Mike (Tim Reid, Sister, Sister, WKRP In Cincinnati) calls everyone in the group, telling them that It has returned. A terrified Stan, unable to face the monster again, commits suicide. It begins to mentally torture the now-adult group of friends (Ben is played by John Ritter, Three's Company, and Richie is played by Harry Anderson, Night Court). He also frees Henry from the asylum who attacks Mike with a knife. Will the group be able to come together again and stop It for good?

I didn't know Pennywise was British

Despite only coming out twenty two years ago, it seems that It has managed to really become part of horror lore. It's surprisingly because, honestly, it's nothing particularly special. It's not bad, but it's not as good as one may be expecting. Part of the problem lies in the fact that the movie was made for television and not for the big screen. Being on TV handcuffs the movie in more ways then one. Obviously, the movie never reaches the proper amount of violence and true terror needed for the story. There are a few scares and eery moments, but it should have been much more. The television format also hurts the movie, fading to black multiple times for commercial breaks. When It first premiered, it was split over two days with a total run time of close to three hours. Stretching the movie out that long causes some unnecessary scenes and a lot of recapping and generalization. When watched straight through, it tends to wear on the audience. The story is just OK and the long, dawn-out scenes stretch it out way too far.

The biggest reason for It's breakthrough into notoriety is because of Tim Curry. He is utterly fantastic as the evil clown, mixing irreverent glee and general wackiness with utter terror. This is the man who was deemed “too scary” to voice the Joker in Batman: The Animated Series. By just using his voice, Curry manages to terrify and haunt multiple generations of horror fans. The first half of the movie focusing on the children is much better than the second half. The kids are all likable and it's fun to see a young Seth Green in action. When they become adults, the movie becomes a slow slog to the end. All of the characters are messed up and rightly so. The problem is that they're all incredibly fragile and no one character stands out. I also never quite understood why all the characters forgot about It. Didn't really make sense to me. When It's true form is revealed, stop-motion special effects and green screen are used, making the scene look like a reject from Jason and the Argonauts. When they get up close to the monster, it looks much better. The happy ending still manages to be depressing, which was unfortunate, but expected from King.

Clowning around

Over the past twenty years, It has managed to become a pop culture staple thanks largely to Tim Curry's turn as Pennywise. Without him, the movie wouldn't be nearly as good. His mixture of fun and evil is quite scary even for television in 1990. The story is decent, but is stretched far too thin. The movie has a long run time and lacks the necessary violence and fear to create a truly scary movie. The acting is good and there are some really fun scenes. The movie takes a long time to watch and some may come away disappointed, but It still manages to be entertaining.

6.5/10

Day 323: Maximum Overdrive

Maximum Overdrive

Minimum entertainment

For someone who has had dozens of his stories turned into movies, Stephen King has only directed one. It's easy to forget that when a movie says “Stephen King presents” or “Stephen King's” he's not actually sitting in the director's chair. In the right hands, King's work can be immensely entertaining and incredibly terrifying, such as the Rob Reiner-directed “Misery” and the Stanley Kubrick-directed “The Shining”. In the wrong hands, we get mediocre movies like Cujo and Graveyard Shift. King's work has a wide range in terms of subject matter and pure horror. It takes skill and patience to lay out his works, especially his short stories. With this in mind, you would think that Stephen King's directorial debut of his own story would be great. Keep in mind, this movie came out in 1986. In the book Hollywood's Stephen King, King himself admitted he was “coked out of [his] mind all through its production, and [he] really didn't know what [he] was doing." Great.

Maximum Overdrive is 1986 horror/action movie based on Stephen King's short story “Trucks”. The movie stars Emilio Estevez (The Breakfast Club, The Mighty Ducks) as parolee Bill Robinson. Earth passes through the tail of a rogue comet called Rhea-M, bathing the planet in an eery green glow. Mechanical objects gain sentience with murderous intent. Bridges lift on their own, ATMs have smart-ass remarks, soda machines fire out drinks at deadly speed, and vehicles now drive themselves. The machines start killing humans and animals alike with no mercy. At the Dixie Boy truck stop in Wilmington, North Carolina, a waitress is attacked by an electric knife and a man is killed by an electric shock from an arcade game. The truck stop, containing cook and ex-con Bill Robinson, traveler Brett (Laura Harrington, The Devil's Advocate, Quantum Leap), newlyweds Connie (Yeardley Smith, the voice of Lisa Simpson) and Curtis (John Short), Bill's boss Bubba Hendershot (Pat Hingle, Batman, Wings), and a group of truckers is surrounded by a caravan of sentient trucks. The leader is a large tractor trailer hauling toys, complete with a giant Green Goblin mask on the grill. The trucks kill anyone who tries to leave and terrorize the survivors inside. Via morse code, the trucks demand that the humans fill them up with gas. Will Bill and the rest of the group come up with a plan to escape and stop the killer machines?

"Can you be a doll and get me some Visine? I've been up for days."

Killer sentient machines have been done many times before. In the abstract, like Terminator, Videodrome, and Westworld, the killer machines are given a “face” and possess some sort of personality. When it's just a regular old machine trying to kill someone, it usually comes off as silly. They tried with the giant Green Goblin mask (the real Green Goblin face, not that Willem Dafoe atrocity from the movie), but it's not really enough. Goofy is probably the best way to describe Maximum Overdrive. If he wanted, King could have actually made the movie scary, but instead of we get mediocre comedy and lots of explosions. The first thirty minutes of the movie are the best as we get to see all sorts of machines wreak havoc on the population. It's when we get stuck at the diner that the movie comes to a slow, staggering death. The movie was far more interesting in a heavily populated area as we see the spectacular crashes from a bridge raising with cars still on it. I'm sure budget had something to do with it, but with $10 million, they could have made it work. The isolated location of the diner allowed for more structural damage, but it's far less interesting to watch. Part of the problem is that there are a lot of people in the diner. It would be fine if a lot of them were killed, but we only get a handful and are stuck with too large a group to focus on and connect with.

The movie actually received two Golden Raspberry Awards nominations for Worst Director and Worst Actor (Emilio Estevez). While the direction is not good, I wouldn't say it's utterly atrocious. I've seen way worse which really says a lot. Certain scenes show a certain amount of style and skill, so it's not like Stephen King is completely devoid of talent. He probably just should have laid off the drugs. Think I'm wrong? Just take a look at this promo for the movie. King looks like a whacked-out Vince Russo ready to hit the clubs. I like Emilio Estevez and I didn't think his performance was that bad. Maybe that's just my Mighty Ducks love talking, but I didn't feel any disgust towards him. The supporting cast is fine, though Yeardley Smith's voice became very grating towards the end. The movie has a good amount of violence and plenty of explosions. There really isn't much horror to speak of as the constant blaring of AC/DC throughout the entire film takes away any fear or atmosphere. It may have helped revive their career, but I just don't care for them and would have enjoyed silence compared to their cock-rock shouts.

I think the movie is trying to tell me something...

I pretty much got what I expected from Maximum Overdrive, which isn't saying much. It was pretty clear that the movie's plot was stretched out to make it a full length. The movie differs strongly from the original short story, focusing more on jokes and action and than actual horror and atmosphere. Despite plenty of explosions and some good scenes of violence, the movie is generally boring and full of plot holes. There are too many characters in the diner and not enough of them are killed. Stephen King's directorial debut was pretty much a flop, but he did show some skill. I really couldn't stand all the AC/DC, both as a fan of music and a fan of horror. Maximum Overdrive is best watched with a group of friends ready to make jokes. Beyond that, it's just a product of the drugged-out 80's.

4.5/10

Day 268: Cujo

Cujo

Nothing says "killer dog" like a white fence with red paint on it...

I love dogs. I mean, I love just about all animals, but dogs hold a special place in my heart. Their love and loyalty is second only to humans. Sorry cat-lovers, but it's true. I can't remember the last time a cat was really excited to see me. It's because of this love that I despise animal cruelty. It boils my blood to read about someone abusing an animal. Even if it's just in the world of movies, it still bothers me a little bit. It's under these general feelings that I watched a movie I had been putting off for a long time.

Cujo is a 1983 horror movie based off the novel of the same name by Stephen King (The Shining, The Shawshank Redemption). The movie stars Dee Wallace (Exit Humanity, The Howling) as Donna Trenton and Danny Pintauro (Who's The Boss?, As The World Turns) as her son Tad. A large St. Bernard named Cujo is bitten by a bat and contracts rabies. Cujo's behavior changes go unnoticed by it's owner, mechanic Joe Camber (Ed Lauter, Not Another Teen Movie, Youngblood). Donna's husband, Vic (Daniel Hugh Kelly, Ryan's Hope, Memphis Beat) rightfully suspects that Donna is cheating on him. When a work crisis forces him to take a long business trip, Donna takes her car to Joe to be fixed. Unknown to Donna, Cujo has succumbed to rabies, attacking and killing Joe and his friend. When she arrives, they are viciously attacked by Cujo, who smashed the car's windows and damages the exterior. They try to drive away, but the car will no longer start. The dog waits outside and repeatedly attacks every time Donna tries to get out of the car. Donna and Tad are forced to sit in the car for days, enduring intense heat and dehydration. Vic finally returns home from his trip to find his house vandalized and his wife and son missing. He calls the police, blaming the man Donna had an affair with for their kidnapping. A local sheriff is sent to Joe Camber's house and is attacked by Cujo. With no more help coming and death all around her, how will Donna be able to escape with her son?

"Hello, we'd like you to have this flower from the Church of Consciousness!"

If that description of a movie seems slim, don't blame me. Not much really happens in Cujo as the first half of the movie is just filler to kill time until Cujo attacks the car. Of course, the other problem is that the second half of the movie is essential just two people sitting in a car. We know Stephen King can write horror and suspense, so the source material isn't the problem. The story plods along with nothing particularly interesting happening for long stretches of time. The first few minutes of Cujo attacking Donna's car are actually frightening, but the movie gets stuck in the same gear from that point on. The true horror of a story like Cujo lies in suspense and psychological torture. It's the waiting that should be scary, the knowledge that going outside of the car means death, but staying inside the car also means death. That's pretty scary, especially in written form, when it's done correctly. Unfortunately, it's not done that way in Cujo and comes off as just boring. It's not entertaining to watch essentially the same scene over and over for half a movie.

As I mentioned above, I don't like seeing animals hurt. Cujo's transformation is quite heartbreaking, especially because it was due mostly to neglect by his owners. Selfishness is a big theme in the movie, between Cujo being ignored and Donna cheating on her husband. The entire adultery story didn't work for me as it was never portrayed as a particularly important part of the story. It didn't really change all that much or effect anyone's decisions or motivations. If anything, it just made me hate Donna and not care about her well-being. On top of that, Tad falls into the all-to-common trap of children in horror movies being incredibly annoying. I don't blame Danny Pintauro, I blame lazy writers and directors that just had him scream and cry for 45 minutes. Horror movie writers and directors, I beg you, please stop making kids in horror movies annoying or stupid. It makes me want to cheer for the bad guy to get them just so I don't have to hear or see them anymore.

Director Lewis Teague (Navy SEALs, Cat's Eye) manages to suck the life out of the few action scenes in the movie with some questionable shots. There is one scene where Donna and Tad are stuck in the car where the camera continuously swings around 360 degrees. It wasn't creative, it was just nauseating and unnecessary. He's forced to stretch out scenes far longer than they could manage and it kills what suspense the movie could muster. The acting is passable with just about hovering around my annoyance tolerance level. I don't normally pick up on a lot of errors in movies, but there is one scene in Cujo that I couldn't believe made it out of editing. On the first night of Cujo's attack, a phone ringing inside Joe's house causes Cujo to jump through the window. Before the dog leaves the house, we clearly see the trainer's hand reach up and pull the dog down. How can you miss something like that? It's not even like it was a quick flash of a hand and then a cut away. You clearly see an arm shoot up and pull the dog down. What a screw up!

"Give me all your Pupperonis!"

I like Stephen King's work and have enjoyed a good amount of the movies based his stories. While Cujo is a well-known story, I just don't think it had enough to create a complete movie. Like another King adaptation, Graveyard Shift, Cujo essentially has one important scene and nothing else going for it. Scenes feel too stretched-out and all the emotion from the characters feels drained and pointless. The adultery storyline never really goes anywhere and just feels like unnecessary filler material. By making Donna a cheater, I felt less inclined to cheer for her survival. Throw in an annoying child and I was practically cheering for Cujo to finish them off. I didn't like seeing the dog's transformation, but it wasn't gruesome or particularly harsh. Cujo has a few good moments and a scare or two, but it's just not enough to make the movie good.

5/10

Day 247: Misery

Misery

If this was made today, he'd be a blogger

Some of the scariest horror movies ever have no monsters in them. Movies like Psycho, Silence Of The Lambs, Audition, and Cape Fear have terrified audiences for years without the need for anything supernatural. Sure, vampires, zombies, and demons can give us jolts and make us worry about darkened corners, but Man is usually the scariest villain. By having a human as a horror films antagonist, it creates a sense of realism that no amount of makeup or special effects can equal. Of course, it doesn't hurt when Stephen King is doing the writing.

Based on the novel by Stephen King, Misery is a 1990 psychological horror movie starring James Caan (The Godfather, Rollerball) as famed novelist Paul Sheldon. Paul's series of novels based on a character named Misery Chastain is highly successful, but Paul feels the need to branch out. After finishing his new novel in Silver Creek, Colorado, Paul starts to drive back to Los Angeles when he gets caught in a blizzard. The white-out conditions cause Paul's car to go off-road and crash. He is rescued by a nurse named Annie Wilkes (Kathy Bates, Titanic, Fried Green Tomatoes) who claims to be his biggest fan. She takes Paul back to her isolated home to care for him since he has broken both of his legs. He wants to call his publicist and his daughter, but Annie tells him the phone lines are down. Initially, Annie appears to be friendly, if a little quirky, but her harsh nature is soon revealed. After purchasing Paul's latest book, Annie has an angry outburst after reading that Misery has been killed off and locks Paul in his room. Meanwhile, the local sherrif, Buster (Richard Farnsworth, The Grey Fox, The Straight Story) investigates Paul's disappearance, discovering his snow-covered car. While others believe Paul died somewhere in the woods, Buster believes that someone pulled him from the car and rescued him. The next day, Annie reads Paul's latest manuscript and is not happy. She forces Paul to burn it, insisting that when he is better, he can rewrite something worthy of the Misery series. Fearing for his life, Paul begins to write a new story and tries to stay on Annie's good side. One day when Annie leaves the house to go into town, Paul manages to escape his room and steals painkillers from a closet. He tries to drug her with a glass of wine, but she spills it before she can drink any. During another escape, Paul discovers a scrapbook of Annie's filled with newspaper clippings describing infant death's at a local hospital and Annie's subsequent trial. Knowing that Paul will never love her the way she loves him, Annie breaks Paul's ankles in brutal fashion. How will Paul be able to escape and will Buster find him before it is too late?

It could be worse. I could've been in the Rollerball remake

Misery takes what is essentially a very simple story and crafts a thrilling and horrifying tale. The characters are all believable, which makes truly scary. Paul's vulnerability throughout the majority of the movie and his dependence on Annie create a palatable anxiety. Without her help, Paul will die, but her brand of “help” is just as dangerous. The movie gets to the point quickly and keeps the excitement going with a fast pace. Annie's insanity isn't obvious at first, but we get enough of a drip so that the horror grows exponentially. There are a few traditional jump-at-you scares, but most of the fear comes from knowing that Paul is helpless. He is surrounded by an atmosphere of dread never quite knowing what will happen, but sure that something will happen. The audience wants to help Paul escape, but we are just as helpless as he is. While a majority of the movie is based on psychology, there are still some very violent scenes. Annie “hobbling” Paul with a sledgehammer is extremely vicious and difficult to watch. We may not see blood and gore, but we're given just enough to be completed horrified, with the rest left to our imagination.

It's true that the story is good, but it's the execution that puts Misery over the top. James Caan and Kathy Bates are absolutely fantastic, together and separately. The majority of the movie is just the interaction between both of them. With lesser actors, the movie would not have been able to succeed, but they are so incredibly strong in their roles that nothing else is really needed. There's a good reason why Kathy Bates won an Academy Award for her role as Annie. She is so incredibly good that it is almost hard to separator her from the role. She is able to flip the crazy switch at a moments notice, going from loving caregiver to raging lunatic in a split-second. James Caan is equally as great in his role. He is essentially the audience's avatar and he is able to convince us to feel the way he does. Every painful movement, every fearful glance just increases the horror and fear. Director Rob Reiner (When Harry Met Sally, Stand By Me) is incredibly comfortable in a movie that is outside his usual comfort zone. His direction is smart with no scenes being wasted or unnecessary. 

Hammer time!

Misery is a movie that grabs that audience and never lets go. It is a thriller, a chiller, and a psychological horror movie all wrapped in a neat, disturbing little bow. No supernatural creature is needed to make this movie scary as a human being is scary enough. The story is simple, but compelling with good scares and action. There isn't a lot of violence compared to other horror movies, but what violence is shown is extreme. Kathy Bates and James Caan are both superb and I feel that the movie wouldn't have been as good without their talent. Rob Reiner creates an intense atmosphere that compels the audience to keep watching and hoping for Paul's escape. While it may not be one of the first movies to come to mind when thinking of all-time great horror movies, Misery certainly belongs there. From start to finish, it is scary and entertaining.

10/10