The Worst Of 365 Days Of Horror

A "Worst Of" list from all the movies I have reviewed

Going down

 

I gave you the best, now here's the worst. When you watch 365 horror movies, you're bound to find a whole bunch of duds. When a horror movie is great, it is truly great. It's far easier to make a bad movie than a good one and it's very apparent in horror. Go to your local Wal-Mart, convenience store, or gas station and you'll probably see a pile of cheap horror movies, most of which you've never heard of. This project allowed me to see some truly great classic horror movies. It also allowed me to see some of the worst bits of entertainment committed to film. There were some movies that were so bad that I couldn't even get through them. While I could probably write for days about each terrible movie, below is a comprehensive list of the worst offenders, split into sub genres. Hope you enjoy my hate!

Worst Overall Movie

H.P. Lovecraft's The Tomb

How can one movie get something things wrong? H.P. Lovecraft is one of my favorite writers, but for whatever reason, most of the movies based off his work are terrible. I can't say that The Tomb falls into this category because it does not follow the Lovecraft story. I mean, at all. The original story is a great work of the macabre. The movie is just a confused, muddled mess of nothingness. I understand that budget constraints make some of his grander stories hard to create. The Tomb doesn't have that problem because there is no budget. I have no idea who the characters are or what is going on in this movie. The acting is horrible and the direction is almost non-existant. The best part of the movie is when I stopped watching it. Easily the worst out of 365 movies.

Runner-Up: The Zombie Diaries

Zombie Movie (Romero)

Survival of the Dead

It's no secret that I love George Romero's original “...Of The Dead” trilogy. They are what got me into a horror. While some of his non-zombie movies have been less than stellar, he is still the godfather of the undead. Like criticizing your favorite band for putting out an album that you don't like, I find it hard to point out the problems in Survival Of The Dead. Not because there aren't any (believe me, there are plenty) it's just that it's almost painful to see where things went wrong. I appreciate that the story connects with Diary Of The Dead as it adds a nice touch of continuity. Unfortunately, the rest of the story feels incredibly forced and, at times, confusing. Why are there two Irish families feuding on some island in America? And more importantly, why do we care? There is some decent action, but nowhere near the level of brutal violence and gore we've come to expect from a Romero zombie movie. Rather than going out with a bang, Survival ends the second zombie trilogy with a sad whimper.

Runner-up: Diary of the Dead

Zombie Movie (non-Romero)

The Zombie Diaries

A picture is worth a thousand words. The cover for The Zombie Diaries dvd looks like a fun, action-packed zombie bloodfest. None of that happens in this shaky found-footage borefest. It starts off relatively interesting, but the action never picks up. The story is as excruciatingly slow as the snail-paced zombies. It jumps between different groups of people, whom the audience does not know or care about. I was left bored and confused the entire length of the movie. The ending tries to be shocking, but by the time I reached the end, I just didn't care. It's shocking that they actually made a sequel to this movie considering just how bad the original is. I highly recommend that you stay far away from this movie.

Runner-up: The Quick and the Dead

Vampire Movie

Bloodrayne

Just about everything in this movie is bad, but what do you expect from Director Uwe Boll. He's the reverse Midas. Everything he touches turns to garbage. I knew that the movie was going to be bad before I watched it, it was just a matter of how bad. The story is moronic, the acting is terrible, and Michael Madsen's wig should be considered a dangerous animal. At least the movie has lots of blood and violence. Stupid, pointless violence, but violence nonetheless. I've never played the video game, so I can't compare and contrast it with the movie. Either way, Bloodrayne is further proof that video games should never be made into movies.

Runner-Up: Against the Dark

Werewolf Movie

Wolves Of Wall Street

There are no werewolves in this movie. None. Zero. Nada. Sure, there are some wolf sounds and some suggestive shadows, but no actual, on-screen shots of werewolves. I regret watching this movie so early into 365 DoH. If I had watched it later on, I would have been able to rip it apart even more. The story is goofy in the made-for-tv sense. It's clearly made on the the cheap and shots of the moon are reused so many times that it deserves top billing. There's no real horror or suspense to speak of. The only redeeming quality for the entire movie is that Elisa Donovan is in it. Beyond that, Wolves of Wall Street is just a pile of terrible.

Runner-Up: The Beast Of Bray Road

Monster Movie

Creature

Monster movies shouldn't be complicated. The old Universal monster movies got it right. Nowadays, monster movies need wild gimmicks to separate themselves from the plethora of horror movies that are churned out every day. The first 30 minutes are passable. Not good, but passable. It's not until the story finally kicks in that things fall off the rails, catch on fire, and crash into the side of a mountain. It's a goofy, convoluted legend about a man turning into some sort of alligator. It could have been fun in a SyFy sense, but it's not executed in a way where the story can be enjoyed. There are scenes of incest and sexual assault throughout the movie and neither are portrayed in a negative light. The monster does not look good and there is not as much violence as you'd expect. There's a reason why Creature made the least amount of money ever for a wide-release movie.

Runner-Up: Monsters

Foreign Movie

Ju-On

This one is partially my fault as I thought I would be watching the original Japanese version of The Grudge. I was half-right as there are certain parts of this movie in the American remake. I found the movie really hard to follow, even beyond language and cultural differences. It's relatively short, but still manages to bounce around between characters too much. I could not forge a strong connection to any characters because they would be out of the movie within 15 minutes. There are some unsettling moments and some decent suspense, but the movie lacks the proper amount of action. Most of the violence is implied and while there is a decent amount of blood, some special effects are less than convincing. Ju-On isn't horrendously bad, it's just not good.

Runner-Up: Dead Cert

Slasher Movie

Rocktober Blood

Despite being quite bad, Rocktober Blood has a special place in my heart. I fondly remember watching it (on VHS!) with my friend and laughing at how ridiculous it is. As far as slashers go, it's not suspenseful or scary, just silly. The idea of a killer that comes back from the grave to kill again is not particularly original, but it doesn't matter as the killer is portrayed in such a way that no one anywhere ever could be afraid of him. The one good takeaway is that the music in the movie is performed by the metal band Sorcery. The songs are extremely catchy. Don't believe me? Well check out this song and see if you're not humming it later on. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvB78T2KUFc

Runner-Up: Bloody Birthday

Horror Comedy

Shocker

Wait, this movie was supposed to be funny? It's the worst type of horror comedy when the movie is neither scary nor funny. Even the Scary Movie series manages to force a chuckle once in a while. Shocker tries to give us some slapstick physical comedy, but it's so hackneyed that the Three Stooges would blush. The story of an executed killer gaining electric super powers and the main character being able to have weird visions doesn't make much sense, even for a horror movie. Things just kind of happen throughout with no regard for continuity or the audience's sanity. The biggest insult of all is that Wes Craven wrote and directed this terrible movie. It would have been scarier to see Rush Limbaugh naked. Funnier too.

Runner-Up: Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes

Demonic Movie

The Devil's Rock

Sometimes you take a chance on the movie, having no prior knowledge to guide your decision. It might lead you to a pleasant surprise, much like when I watched Pontypool. Then again, it might lead you to The Devil's Rock. I was drawn in by the World War II aspect of the movie. I feel that there is a serious lack of good war-based horror movies and always like to give them a chance. Unfortunately, The Devil's Rock is a boring story about some sort of demon being held in a German bunker. The cast is razor thin as I believe there are only 4 people with speaking roles in the entire film. The demon's mind games are as predictable as the characters actions, leaving me bored and annoyed. It doesn't help that the demon looks stereotypical and cartoonish. You might actually find a better demon at your next Halloween party. By the end, I didn't care what happened and just wanted the movie to be over. So much for good war-based horror. You win some, you lose some.

Runner-Up: Blessed

Stephen King Movie

Maximum Overdrive

Stephen King is one of the the best horror writers in the modern era. Just about everyone has either read or seen one of his works. Unfortunately, some of his stories have received less than favorable treatments on the big screen. Well, if you want something right, do it yourself. Maximum Overdrive is King's directorial debut. Of course, this was during his coked-up 80's faze and it shows. The killer machine idea is nothing new, but their portrayal in this movie is far too silly to be considered scary. The movie gets stuck in one location and drags on for too long. Emilio Estevez is fine in his role, though not much was required of him. As a first-time director King was passable. Still, the story is better suited for an episode of the Twilight Zone and not a full-length movie. The wailing soundtrack by AC/DC doesn't help, either.

Runner-Up: Graveyard Shift

Sci-Fi Horror Movie

Proteus

A heroin-addicted sea monster? Check. Cheap mid-90's sets? Check. Mullets? Check. Proteus is your basic science-fiction monster movie complete with ridiculous evil bad-guy plot thrown on top of everything. The hero and his companions are portrayed as a drug smugglers, so it's hard to cheer for them to survive. The dialogue is very bad, but actor Craig Fairbrass manages to do a decent job. His supporting cast does him no favors and bring down the entire movie. The monster itself looks hilariously bad. It actually makes Carnosaur look like it should be in Jurassic Park. If you can't make a good monster, don't make a monster movie.

Runner-Up: Splice

Horror Anthology

From A Whisper To A Scream

 

This movie suckered me in by having Vincent Price in it. Sadly, he's only in a few scenes, but still manages to be the best thing in it. Everything about this anthology is terrible. There are too many stories and none of them are particularly good. The horror is weak and the storytelling is just not there to keep the audience interested. The ideas for the stories aren't bad, just unoriginal. The problem lies in the execution as the acting is poor and the sets are cheap. A little bit of money and effort could have made the movie far more enjoyable. Instead, it's just a painful reminder that I could be watching Creepshow instead.

Runner-Up: Deadtime Stories Vol. 1

Masters Of Horror

Chocolate

Masters of Horror put out plenty of dudes (Dance of the Dead, Haeckel's Tale), but they usually managed to be horror-centric stories. Chocolate doesn't even come close to horror. The idea of seeing horrible violence through another's point of view has been done before (For example, The Eye) and done better. The acting is pretty bad (with the exception of Matt Frewer) and the story is meandering and pointless. There is nothing scary or even exciting about Chocolate. It's all just one big waste of time. I legitimately feel bad for anyone who buys this on a whim. I've seen Disney movies scarier than this.This was painful to sit through.

Runner-Up: Dance Of The Dead, Haeckel's Tale

Remake

Freakshow

I usually question the necessity for remakes, but I can understand the desire to remake the classic 1932 movie “Freaks”. It's old enough where a good chunk of your audience probably have not seen it. It doesn't help, though, when you classify your remake as a “modern retelling” and the only changes you make are nudity and violence. At first, I thought Freakshow was just ripping off Freaks until I did a little research. The original was supremely unsettling while the remake is just boring and uninspired. There's a lot of talk and planning in the movie with very little action until the rushed ending. I'm not a fan of watching torture which is a problem considering the last 10 minutes of the movie are just torture. The scene is painfully slow and unpleasant, just like the rest of the movie.

Runner-Up: The Hitcher

Day 363: Frankenstein

Frankenstein

In the name of Science!

There is only one monster from the golden era of horror movies that has managed to spawn countless sequels, remakes, adaptations, and spoofs while staying almost exactly the same: Frankenstein's monster. Though commonly referred to simply as “Frankenstein” the monster has changed very from it's major motion picture in 1931. When people think of Frankenstein today, they are still thinking of Boris Karloff 's stone face and neck bolts. Even the remake starring Robert De Niro in a much more realistic interpretation of how the character looks could not change the public's perception. It is a true testament to how important the 1931 movie really is. Of course, our knowledge of things get distorted over the years thanks to all the various appearances of the character. Sure we remember the big lines like “It's Alive!” but do most people know who said it? When you ask “Who was Dr. Frankenstein's assistant in the movie?” most would be incorrect in saying “Igor”. For a character so beloved in the horror world, sometimes people get the simplest facts wrong.

Frankenstein is a 1931 Universal Pictures horror movie based on the novel of the same name by Mary Shelley. The film stars Colin Clive (Bride Of Frankenstein, Jane Eyre) as Heinrich “Henry” Frankenstein and Boris Karloff (The Mummy, Bride Of Frankenstein) as The Monster, though in the beginning credits, the Monster's role is billed only with a question mark. Henry Frankenstein is a young scientist determined to reanimate dead tissue and create new life. With the help of his hunchback assistant Fritz (Dwight Frye, Dracula, The Invisible Man), Henry steals corpses in an effort to piece together a human body for his ghoulish experiments. To continue with his morbid work, Henry has become reclusive, setting up a laboratory in an abandoned watch tower far from town. Elizabeth (Mae Clarke, The Public Enemy, Waterloo Bridge) Henry's fiance, grows concerned over his increasingly strange behavior and, with the help of her friend Victor Mortiz (John Boles, Sinners In Paradise, Curly Top), reaches out to Dr. Waldman (Edward Van Sloan, Dracula, The Black Room) for help. Dr. Waldman informs Elizabeth of Henry's dark experiments and all three agree to go see him. They find Henry in the last stages of his experiment. They watch in horror and amazement as thunder and lightning start up Henry's machines and give life to the patchwork of dead body parts, giving life to a hulking monster. Unfortunately, because of a mistake by Fritz, an abnormal brain was put into the monster's body and he proves difficult to control. Though he is hideous to look at, the monster is a simple, gentle creature. He is like a newborn baby, discovering the world for the first time. Fritz takes sadistic pleasure in torturing the monster with a torch. His fear is mistaken as an attack so Henry and Dr. Waldman chains him up in the dungeon. Later, they discover Fritz strangled to death by the monster and determine that he is unfit for society. The creature eventually escapes, strangling Dr. Waldman in the process. While Henry and Elizabeth prepare for their wedding, the monster wanders through the countryside where he meets a little girl. Much to his delight, they throw flowers into a lake. When the flowers run out, he tosses the girl into the water, drowning her by accident. An enraged band of peasants pursue the monster who is headed right for Henry and Elizabeth's wedding. What will happen to this misunderstood creature and will Henry be able to save him?

"Look at that manicure! Look at that manicure!!!"

Though it doesn't have the same supernatural elements as it's counterparts Dracula, The Mummy, and The Wolfman, Frankenstein manages to be the most frightening. Though tame by today's standards, the movie truly frightened audiences in the 1930's. Multiple scenes were censored, including the one involving the monster throwing the little girl into the lake. The movie begins with a rather ingenious warning to the audience about what the shocking things they are about to see. It is a clever introduction that sets the audience up nicely. While the monster looks are unnatural, it's the basic human emotions that are both touching and unnerving. We feel for this creature, born into a world that does not understand it. Like a baby, it is innocent, with only the most basic functions of understanding and comprehending. That touching, childlike humanity makes the monster a truly sympathetic character. That sympathy is shattered when we see how strong and violent it could be. Combined with Henry's all-encompassing obsession, Frankenstein has an incredibly sad and somber tone to it despite being a horror movie. Every character suffers in some form or another, making the film a surprisingly tragic experience. The movie does have some differences from the novel, but the overall tone is very much the same. If I have any real complaint with the story is the relatively happy ending.

"Flower Power, you say?"

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What really helps make the movie work is the great cast and solid directing. Boris Karloff's performance conveys the monster's frightening strength and incredible weakness. Though he never utters a word, Karloff is able to use simple sounds and movements that speak louder than words. His stone-solid, emotionless face also seen in The Mummy gives an unnaturalness to the monster that still unnerves audiences to this day. Colin Clive is highly enjoyable as the mad scientist Henry Frankenstein. His iconic scream of “It's Alive!” conveys his absolute madness and has been used in countless forms of media and entertainment. Universal Pictures regulars Dwight Frye and Edward Van Sloan help round out the cast with good supporting performances. Director James Whale (The Invisible Man, The Old Dark House) creates a dark and winding atmosphere, giving the film a Gothic feel. The sets are classic Universal horror and actually look better than if they were shot in a real location.

Frankenstein Meets Swamp Thing never fully materialized

We have seen Frankenstein's monster in all forms of entertainment, whether it was in the wide number of sequels, remakes, and cross-overs, or The Munsters, comic books, and Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Throughout it all, it has essentially stayed the same (Frankenberry doesn't count). The iconic monster was able to reach it's status through great acting, incredible directing, and a story that truly touches the audience. One can view Frankenstein as simply a black-and-white monster movie from the old days, but they would be missing the bigger picture. It is an existential story of man's fragile nature and society's inability to understand. It is a deep and incredibly sad story that most can relate to. The movie has a decent amount of action and some scenes deemed “too controversial” when it was first released. Thanks to the hard work and talent of all involved, Frankenstein has rightly become a classic, taking it's place on the Mt. Rushmore of Universal Monsters.

10/10

Day 337: It

It

From the makers of "Is" and "A"

Coulrophobia is the fear of clowns. Thankfully I don't suffer from such a phobia. Clowns never bothered me. I remember looking forward to seeing them on a trip to the circus when I was little. I can understand, though, why someone would be terrified of a person in white makeup, brightly-colored baggy clothes, and a crazy grin. There's something slightly unnatural about their appearance and in-your-face approach to entertainment that doesn't sit right in people. It may also have to do with the fact that John Wayne Gacy was a clown. Whatever the reason may be, clowns have a tendency to show up in horror movies like House Of Fears, Masters Of Horror: We All Scream For Ice Cream, and Killer Klowns From Outer Space. But there's one movie where a clown is the epitome of fear.

It (also known as Stephen King's It) is a 1990 television movie based on the novel by Stephen King (Cujo, Misery). The two-part movie stars Tim Curry (Ritual, The Rocky Horror Picture Show) as Pennywise the Dancing Clown. In the small town of Derry, Maine a six-year old boy named Georgie Denbrough is playing with a toy boat when it was down into the sewer. A clown named Pennywise (referred by the characters as “It”) is down in the sewer and tempts Georgie to get closer. He grabs Georgie, tearing his arm off and killing him. Georgie's older brother Bill (Jonathan Bradis, Sidekicks, SeaQuest) blames himself for his brother's death and begins to stutter due to the trauma. Bill has a group of friends, Ben, Eddie, Beverly, Richie (Seth Green, Austin Powers, The Italian Job) and Stan who all encounter and are subsequently harassed by It. They are also bullied by Henry Bowers, a sadistic schoolmate who constantly threatens to kill them. Henry and his gang chase after Mike, an African American boy in their class, but Bill and his friends defend him. They vow to always stick together and protect each other. With their newfound courage, the group bands together to avenge the deaths of children killed by It. They discover his lair out in the woods and plan to kill him. Henry, who followed the group into the lair, sees his friend killed by It, causing his hair to turn white. After an intense fight, Beverly is able to hit It in the head with a piece of silver. The wound opens up, exposing light from his head before he escapes down a drain. A traumatized Henry confesses to It's murders and is institutionalized. Thirty years later, murders begin to happen again in Derry. An adult Mike (Tim Reid, Sister, Sister, WKRP In Cincinnati) calls everyone in the group, telling them that It has returned. A terrified Stan, unable to face the monster again, commits suicide. It begins to mentally torture the now-adult group of friends (Ben is played by John Ritter, Three's Company, and Richie is played by Harry Anderson, Night Court). He also frees Henry from the asylum who attacks Mike with a knife. Will the group be able to come together again and stop It for good?

I didn't know Pennywise was British

Despite only coming out twenty two years ago, it seems that It has managed to really become part of horror lore. It's surprisingly because, honestly, it's nothing particularly special. It's not bad, but it's not as good as one may be expecting. Part of the problem lies in the fact that the movie was made for television and not for the big screen. Being on TV handcuffs the movie in more ways then one. Obviously, the movie never reaches the proper amount of violence and true terror needed for the story. There are a few scares and eery moments, but it should have been much more. The television format also hurts the movie, fading to black multiple times for commercial breaks. When It first premiered, it was split over two days with a total run time of close to three hours. Stretching the movie out that long causes some unnecessary scenes and a lot of recapping and generalization. When watched straight through, it tends to wear on the audience. The story is just OK and the long, dawn-out scenes stretch it out way too far.

The biggest reason for It's breakthrough into notoriety is because of Tim Curry. He is utterly fantastic as the evil clown, mixing irreverent glee and general wackiness with utter terror. This is the man who was deemed “too scary” to voice the Joker in Batman: The Animated Series. By just using his voice, Curry manages to terrify and haunt multiple generations of horror fans. The first half of the movie focusing on the children is much better than the second half. The kids are all likable and it's fun to see a young Seth Green in action. When they become adults, the movie becomes a slow slog to the end. All of the characters are messed up and rightly so. The problem is that they're all incredibly fragile and no one character stands out. I also never quite understood why all the characters forgot about It. Didn't really make sense to me. When It's true form is revealed, stop-motion special effects and green screen are used, making the scene look like a reject from Jason and the Argonauts. When they get up close to the monster, it looks much better. The happy ending still manages to be depressing, which was unfortunate, but expected from King.

Clowning around

Over the past twenty years, It has managed to become a pop culture staple thanks largely to Tim Curry's turn as Pennywise. Without him, the movie wouldn't be nearly as good. His mixture of fun and evil is quite scary even for television in 1990. The story is decent, but is stretched far too thin. The movie has a long run time and lacks the necessary violence and fear to create a truly scary movie. The acting is good and there are some really fun scenes. The movie takes a long time to watch and some may come away disappointed, but It still manages to be entertaining.

6.5/10

Day 318: Dracula

Dracula

Don't call him "Drac"

Dracula. The Mummy. Frankenstein. The Wolfman. Call them “classic monsters” or “cinema monsters” or the “Universal Four”. These four are the ones you think of when you hear the words “monster movie”. Their main stories come from literature, but the basic premise from each come tales passed down from generation to generation. Each theme, whether it's man battling the beast within or man versus the unknown, has played out for centuries. It's this ability to reach out across generations that has allowed these characters to be reused and remade over and over again across literature, entertainment and pop culture. The most popular of these Universal monsters is Dracula. Need proof? Next Halloween, count how many vampires you see with black capes and fangs. Kids aren't going around like sparkly vampires with emotional problems. At least, let's hope not.

Dracula is a 1931 vampire horror film starring Bela Lugosi as Count Dracula (Son Of Frankenstein, Bride Of The Monster). The film is based on the play Dracula by Hamilton Dean and John L. Balderstonr, which was based on Bram Stoker's novel Dracula. Renfield (Dwight Frye, Frankenstein, The Invisible Man) travels to Transylvania to meet with Count Dracula to settle a business deal. He is dropped off at a small village and informs some people that he is going to Dracula's castle. He is warned that vampires inhabit that castle, but insists on having a carriage take him. An innkeeper's wife gives Renfield a crucifix for protection. The carriage ride is particularly rough and when Renfield sticks his head out the window to ask the driver to slow down, he is shocked to find the driver has disappeared and a bat is now leading the horses. Once inside the castle, Renfield is greeted by the eccentric Count Dracula. Through Renfield, Dracula has purchased Carfax Abbey in London and is planning to go there the next day. Dracula turns Renfield into his slave who protects his coffin as they travel by ship to London. When the ship arrives, a raving mad Renfield is found to be the only living person on board. He is committed to Dr. Seward's (Herbert Bunston, Cardinal Richelieu, The Enchanted Cottage) sanitarium. At the same time, Dracula meets Dr. Seward at the theater, along with his daughter Mina (Helen Chandler), her fiance John Harker (David Manners), and family friend Lucy Weston (Frances Dade). Dracula charms them and later that night, drinks Lucy's blood, eventually killing her. Professor Van Helsing (Edward Van Sloan, A Shot In The Dark, The Mummy) is brought in to treat Renfield, and after studying his blood, begins to suspect a vampire is in their midst. Dracula then bites Mina with plans to turn her into a vampire. Will Professor Van Helsing and John be able to stop him before it is too late?

Can you smmmeeeeellllllll what Dracula is cooking?

This movie is over 80 years old. Let that sink in for a moment. Some movies barely hold up 5 years after they've been released. Dracula is completely timeless, still capable of striking fear into the audience while maintaining an exciting story. Though the run time is shorter than modern movies (a little over 70 minutes), the story has a steady layout. The film has a great atmosphere thanks in part to keeping the aesthetics from the play it was based on. Simple tricks like lighting and fog add to the overall creepiness of the story. One interesting thing that I noticed was that there wasn't a lot of music throughout the film. Maybe I'm just so used to movies blaring strings and telling the audience when to be scared, but it was refreshing to see a movie that didn't assault my ears. Instead, we are free to focus on the fluid dialogue and, even better, Bela Lugosi's performance.

There are few actor's who so perfectly define a role than anyone playing the character after them will never come close to their greatness. Bela Lugosi is Dracula. His unblinking, steely glare and hand motions truly give the character a supernatural feel. He is both charming and dangerous throughout the film, making it difficult to root against him. The supporting roles are played well, adding credence to the story. While there were a few scary movies prior to this, Dracula was one of the first to completely embrace the supernatural themes. There was no wink-and-nod at the end saying it was just a work of fiction. Nowadays, the special effects may seem quaint with the giant rubber bat on a string, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

I love his invisible puppet trick

Dracula is the quintessential classic horror movie. It takes a classic character from literature and brings it to the big screen with the effort and respect it deserves. Bela Lugosi is fantastic as Dracula, creating a timeless character that is enjoyable to watch while still being scary. The story has a fast pace but hits all the important parts of the story. For the time, it has good excitement and even a bit of action. Dracula can be enjoyed by both young and old, though I would suggest waiting to show this one to the very young. You're better off with Hotel Transylvania or a box of Count Chocula. Dracula is still thoroughly enjoyable despite being over 80 years old and well worth your time.

10/10

Day 314: Tales From The Darkside: The Movie

Tales From The Darkside: The Movie

Reading is FUNdamental!

While we all love horror movies, horror television shows are just as good, and sometimes better. I'm not talking about The Walking Dead or the horrendous American Horror Story. I mean the old-school horror, that didn't require lots of gore or ghost rape (seriously, fuck American Horror Story). The most famous, of course, is The Twilight Zone. The Twilight Zone is so good that they still show it on television over 50 years later. Other horror shows followed, most notably The Outer Limits. In the 1980's, a second tier of horror television shows came out, including Freddy's Nightmares: A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Series and Tales From The Darkside. Seeing the success from horror anthology movies like Creepshow and The Twilight Zone movie, Tales From The Darkside followed up with a full-length movie of their own.

Tales From The Darkside: The Movie is a 1990 horror anthology containing three stories, plus on wraparound story that runs throughout. The movie begins with a housewife named Betty (Deborah Harry, lead singer for Blondie) preparing for a dinner party. The main course is a little boy (Matthew Lawrence, The Hot Chick, Mrs. Doubtfire) whom she kidnapped and has been feeding cookies to fatten him up. To delay his death, the boy reads three stories from the book Tales From The Darkside.

Call me!

Lot 249

The first story “Lot 249” stars Steve Buscemi (Resevoir Dogs, The Big Leboswki) as Bellingham, a poor graduate student who specializes in antiquities. Bellingham has just lost out on a scholarship to the wealthy and crooked Lee (Robert Sedgwick, Die Hard With A Vengence, Damages). Bellingham has just acquired a large crate labeled “Lot 249” which he opens with the help of Lee and his friend Andy (Christian Slater, Heathers, Interview With A Vampire. Inside the crate is a mummy and later that night, Bellingham is able to reanimate it. In search of revenge, Bellingham uses the mummy to brutally murder Lee for sabotaging his chance at the scholarship. Lee's girlfriend and Andy's sister Susan (Julianne Moore, Boogie Nights, The Big Lebowski) plants a stolen item in Bellingham's room which later gets him expelled. He sends the mummy after her who cuts open her back and stuffs it with flowers, just like in the mummification process. Andy learns that Bellingham has reanimated the mummy and kidnaps him. What does Andy have planned and what will happen to the mummy?

"Whoa! Look at the hieroglyphics on her!"

Lot 249 is an adaptation of a Sir Arthur Conan Doyle story which should come as no real surprise. The story has that old-time feel to it with very little in the way of updating. That's perfectly fine in terms of the story itself. By today's standards, it could be considered tame and even a little bland. It's helped along thanks to good performances by up-and-coming stars like Buscemi and Moore. There are some good scenes of violence and gore throughout the story which keeps things interesting. The ending is very similar to Creepshow's “Something To Tide You Over” in it's execution, but I'm fine with that because I enjoyed that story as well. Overall, Lot 249 is a decent, if tame story with some good acting and fun violence.

7/10

Cat From Hell

The second story is “Cat From Hell,” a Stephen King story adapted by George Romero. Drogan (William Hickey, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Major Payne) is a wealthy eldery man who hires a hit man named Halston (David Johansen aka Buster Poindexter, Scrooged, Freejack). Drogan offers Halston $100,000 to kill a black cat inside his house. He is convinced that the cat killed his sister, her friend, and his servant. Despite his best attempts, he cannot kill the cat himself. Drogan believes the cat is a punishment because the pharmaceutical company he owned tested on cats, killing thousands of them. Surprised at such an easy target, Halston is soon surprised at how difficult killing the cat proves to be. The cat beings to stalk Halston who becomes increasingly scared. Who will win, the hit man or the cat?

"I told you to knock before coming in my room!"

On paper, Cat From Hell seems like a fun horror story. A simple black cat is killing the people around an evil old man. The story presents the killings as possible accidents or from the wild imagination of a deranged man. Unfortunately, the movie shows the cat committing the acts in a very silly way. Drogan talks about cats stealing the breath from a person's body. We then see the cat, put it's paw to a person's lips. OK, it's a little silly, but I can work with it. Then, the cat attaches itself to the person's face as they scream and thrash about. It went for slightly believable to wacky in seconds. The story is a little too long for my liking, which is never good when dealing with short stories. It does have one scene though that is downright impressive in terms of it's shock and gore. I don't want to ruin it for anyone because it is that good, so you'll have to see it for yourself. Cat From Hell is a good story, but it does swerve out of horror and borders on silly at certain times.

6/10

Lover's Vow

The final story is “Lover's Vow” starring James Remar (Highlander, Dexer) as a struggling artist named Preston. One night, Preston witnesses a gruesome murder at the hands of a hideous gargoyle-like monster. The monster speaks to him, making him swear to never speak of the event. Soon after the promise, Preston meets Carola (Rae Dawn Chong, Time Runner, Cyrus) and they soon fall in love. Preston's art career begins to turn around and he builds a happy life with Carola. Ten years later, Preston and Carola have two wonderful children and live life comfortably. The event with the monster has begun to haunt Preston and the guilt of witnessing the murder eats away at him. Will he be able to keep his promise and what are the consequences if he does not?

No amount of concealer will cover that up

Yeeeeesh. What in the bloody hell is this story? It's more like a half-thought than a story. Too much focus is given on the romance between Preston and Carola rather than horror. The monster itself looks like a cross between a gremlin and guacamole. It has a lot of detail, but looks too similar to other monsters we have seen. The end is completely random and raises a lot of questions. I don't like to spoil, but I have to in order to talk about why this story is terrible so SPOILER ALERT. It turns out Carola is actually the monster, who reverts back to her true form after Preston breaks his promise. What? Why did the monster do all of this? Why did the monster kill someone and make Preston promise not to tell anyone? Why did it become a human and fall in love with Preston? Why was it able to have kids that also turned into monsters after the broken promise? WHY? WHY? WHY? The small bright spot is the great transformation scene at the end It's all so incredibly stupid and to top it off, it's too long. That's not a good combination.

1.5/10

Tales From The Darkside: The Movie is considered by some to be the 3^rd Creepshow, but I have to disagree. Both Creepshows are far more entertaining than this movie. It lacks the creativity, humor and good horror that Creepshow contained. Creepshow also had the good sense to keep each story relatively short. The three stories in Tales From The Darkside are all too long and none are particularly good. The movie does have some good gore and violence so that's at least something. The acting is good and the direction is fine. The first two stories are decent. Not great, but decent. The third goes off the rails and crashes into a mountain made of napalm. Ultimately, Tales From The Darkside: The Movie is an OK watch with some good moments, but it is nowhere near the level of Creepshow or The Twilight Zone.

5/10

Day 304: Creature From The Black Lagoon

Creature From The Black Lagoon

Apparently, the lagoon gives you soft, pouty lips

Dracula. The Wolfman, Frankenstein's monster (Frankenstein is the name of the doctor, people). The Mummy. These classic movie monsters receive lots of love and attention and rightfully so. They've had countless remakes and adaptations, appeared in video games, comic books, and products. To this day, people still get dressed up as these monsters for Halloween. There is one classic monster that always seems to be left out: The Creature from the Black Lagoon. What is it about the creature that doesn't put it on the same level as the others? Is it because the creature doesn't really come from a well-known novel? Is it a lack of sequels and remakes? Is it because it doesn't actually have a name? It's certainly not because the movie is bad.

Creature From The Black Lagoon is a 1954 monster movie starring Richard Carlson (It Came From Outer Space, The Magnetic Monster) as Dr. David Reed and Julie Adams (The Rifleman, Maverick) as his girlfriend, Kay Lawrence. While on an expedition in the Amazon, Dr. Carl Maia (Antonio Moreno, The Searchers, The Spanish Dancer) discovers the skeletal remains of an arm that appears to have a webbed hand. Maia is able to convince his friend Dr. David Reed, an icthyologist, to aid him in the excavation of the skeleton. They are joined by David's girlfriend Kay and Dr. Mark Williams, who funds the expedition. The take the steamer Rita down the Amazon to the camp site, where they find Maia's team brutally murdered by some sort of animal. Unknown to the group, the killer was actually an amphibious humanoid, the same species as the skeleton that Dr. Maia discovered. The group travels into the nearby black lagoon in hopes of finding more of the skeletal remains. The creature, or Gill-man, watches the expedition as the search the lagoon and becomes infatuated with Kay. It eventually kills two of the crew members on the ship. They poison the water and are able to capture the creature for a short time, but it escapes. Will they be able to capture this creature before it takes Kay?

"Has anyone seen my chapstick? I'm feeling chappy."

In classic monster movie fashion, Creature From The Black Lagoon has an equal mixture of mystery, action, romance, and traditional scares. While the movie may be almost 60 years old, it still manages to be quite entertaining. The action starts out almost immediately despite not showing the creature right away. We only see it's amphibious webbed hand, but it's enough to whet the audience's appetite and send imagination's soaring. Gill-man is essentially a man in a rubber suit (technically two different men, one for land shots and one for swimming), it looks far better than other monsters from the same era. Strong detail is given to the suit with authentic looking skin and fins. The face does have some motion to it and actually appears to be breathing when out of water. Many of the underwater scenes look very good, thanks to being shot in a studio rather than an actually body of water.

Originally filmed in 3D, the movie doesn't have the usual hallmarks you see in modern 3D films. There are no blatant scenes where someone is specifically pointing something at the screen for 3D purposes. The horror of the film is helped along thanks to the music in the film, which consisted mostly of blaring trumpets. It serves it's purpose, but tends to be a little grating by the end. Director Jack Arnold has a good eye for capturing both the action and terror in the movie. The acting is good, especially considering the creature is just a guy in a suit. Julie Adams doesn't play the straight damsel in distress role, giving the character more depth. There are just enough characters involved to kill off a few without diluting the story. The movie has a good amount of action, but since it's from the 1950's, of course there is no blood. C'mon, there are kids watching!

"Attica! Attica! Attica!"

Creature From The Black Lagoon is a fun monster movie from an era where a man in a rubber suit was still terrifying. The story movies quickly and has a good amount of action for the time period. The underwater scenes look great and the makeup used for the monster is spot-on. The combination of good acting and directing helps elevate the movie to a better level than other contemporary monster movies. The movie doesn't have the built-in story that other classic monster movies do, but it still manages to be entertaining. Why Gill-man doesn't get as much attention as it deserves, it's still a classic monster from a classic movie. Maybe you should dress up like Gill-man for Halloween tomorrow.

8/10

Day 298: The Call Of Cthulhu

The Call Of Cthulhu

Nice try, Cthulhu. I have Caller ID!

"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn." To most people, that previous sentence looks like a word salad jammed into a sentence smoothee. For those, like me, who love the work of H.P. Lovecraft, that is probably one of the most famous lines in all of horror literature. The line comes from the Lovecraft story of the same name, the most popular and well known of all his work. Despite being a master of horror, Lovecraft's work has never been faithfully transitioned to the big screen. Hollywood can't seem to wrap their heads around his work and yet M. Night Shyamalan continues to get work. Sometimes you have to step out of the bright lights of La La Land in order to get to the real heart of a story and give it the love and attention it deserves.

The Call Of Cthulhu is a 2005 independent black and white silent film based on the story by H.P. Lovecraft (Pickman's Model, The Case Of Charles Dexter Ward). An unnamed man sits in a mental hospital, warning his doctor that something horrible is going to occur. The man relates the story of how he came to possess such knowledge. His grand uncle, George Gammell Angell, a professor at Brown University, had been treating a young man suffering from horrible dreams. Angell takes extensive notes until the man's death. In 1908, Angell and a group of other antiquarians gather at the American Archaeological Society in St. Lous, Missouri. John Raymond Legrasse, a police officer from New Orleans, produces a strange looking idol and asks the group of professors if they had seen anything like it. The statuette is of a hideous looking monster with wings and unearthly tentacles on it's face. While most are baffled, one eye-patched man, recognizes it and recalls when he was on an expedition and was attacked by an “Esquimaux”. He identifies the statue as “Cthulhu”. Officer Legrasses explains that the statuette came into his possession during a raid in the swamps of Louisiana. The police raided a ritual being performed by a cult who were praying to someone or something named “Cthulhu”. One prisoner is taken into custody and explains that Cthulhu is one of the Old Gods who now sleeps in the forgotten undersea city of R'lyeh. The cult is praying to Cthulhu and waiting for him to awaken from his slumber when the stars are right. After his granduncle's death, the man now in the hospital, read through his notes and became obsessed with Cthulhu, putting together all the different pieces from the story. He finds a news clipping that talks of the ship Emma which encountered the yacht Alert. Something horrible happened on that ship and only one sailor from the Emma survived. The man travels to New Zealand and then Norway in search of the sailor, only to discover that he has died. He does receive the man's diary which explains how the crew of the Emma landed on a strange and dangerous island. Who or what is on the island and does Cthulhu actually exist?

"That's the last time I eat White Castle before going to bed!"

Without a doubt, The Call Of Cthulhu is probably the best adaptation of Lovecraft's work to make it to the screen. The main reason why is works so well is because it is very faithful to the original work. Other Lovecraft adaptations like The Resurrected and The Dunwich Horror are changed around to fit a budget, or capabilities, or just because some filmmakers are lazy. Many in the past have claimed that The Call of Cthulhu story is “unfilmable,” but this movie proves the naysayers wrong. While not having a particularly large budget, director/producer Andrew Leman (The Whisperer In Darkness, A Shoggoth on the Roof: The Documentary) manages to make the most out of this lofty story through various filming and writing tricks. The movie is portrayed as being from the silent era of film and it works to the movie's advantage. Care is taken to have the film look aged and the music fits perfectly. The black and white footage allows for clothes and sets to be any color and very little makeup is needed for actors. By being silent, there's no need to worry about actors flubbing lines or audio editing. Since the movie has no speaking, the actors have to work that much harder to get across emotion and they all do a good job. How does one show the enormous and monstrous-looking Cthulhu? How about good old-fashioned claymation and perspective shots.

If there is one complaint with the movie is that it's too short. It clocks in at around 45 minutes which is a shame because it is so enjoyable. By having such a short run time, the story does feel rushed at times. While not Lovecraft's longest story, it is complex with many different parts fitting into the overarching Cthulhu story. A few too many details are crammed in and for those who are not familiar with the original story, the story may be a bit confusing. There are a few changes from the original story, but nothing significant to completely change the story. The claymation used for Cthulhu is just OK and some may even be disappointed. We only get a few brief shots and it does keep with the “era” that the movie is supposed to be from. To be fair, it's difficult to create a giant, winged god with tentacles on it's face. There is a bit of action, but no blood or gore to speak of, which is perfectly fine. The story has a traditional horror feel and it ends on the proper down-note.

Collect the whole set

With enough effort and love, just about anything can be created. While Lovecraft stories may not be the easiest to reproduce on the big screen, The Call Of Cthulhu proves it is not impossible. The story is translated well which keeps the hardcore Lovecraft fans happy while giving non-fans a good introduction to his work. By making the movie into a black and white silent film, they are able to create a unique viewing experience that most people have never seen. It also helps that doing so kept costs down. The sets look great and the expressive acting makes you forget there are no speaking roles. If you're a fan of Lovecraft or just want to see something unique, definitely check out The Call of Cthulhu.

9/10

Day 277: The Ruins

The Ruins

That's right. Let it alllll out.

“Stupid People Take A Trip” should be a subgenre in horror it happens so much. Whether the movie is like “Hostel” and “Turistas” or “An American Werewolf In London” and “The Hills Have Eyes”, it seems that leaving your couch is just a bad idea. A lot of these movies do require the main characters to make poor decisions which can range from a simple mistake to “Jesus, no one in the history of anywhere ever could be this stupid!” Regardless, it's once they make their mistake where the movie can either shine or come down with a case of visual amoebic dysentery. And yes, I keep thinking the poster says "The Runs".

The Ruins is a 2008 horror movie starring Jonathan Tucker (100 Girls, Hostage) as Jeff McIntire and Jena Malone (Sucker Punch, Donnie Darko) as his girlfriend Amy. Jeff and Amy, along with their friends Eric (Shawn Ashmore, X-Men, Frozen) and Stacy (Laura Ramsey, The Covenant, She's The Man) are on vacation in Mexico when they meet a German tourist named Mathias (Joe Anderson, The Grey, The Crazies). Mathias tells them that his brother Heinrich went with a female archaeologist to find a hidden Mayan ruin in the jungle. Heinrich has not returned and Mathias asks the group for help. Initially hesitant, they decide to go along, joined by Mathias's friend Dimitri. The group starts climbing the ruins, which is covered in vines, when a group of native villages surround them. Weapons drawn, the villages start screaming at the group and kill Dimitri when he gets too close. They escape to the top of the ruins where they find the remains of camp site. They hear a phone ringing at the bottom of a shaft and Mathias recognizes it as his brother's phone. They lower him down, but the rope breaks, sending Mathias crashing to the ground below. Jeff and Amy descend the ruins, but again the villagers won't let them leave. In anger, Amy throws a bunch of vines which hits a young boy. Terrified, the villagers kill the boy. Amy and Jeff flee back to the top and realize that everyone in the group touched the vines. They lower Stacy down to get Mathias and in the process she cuts her leg. The next morning, Stacy discovers a vine growing out of her wound. Mathias's injured legs are also covered in vines. Amy and Stacy travel down the shaft to retrieve the phone only to discover that it is the vines making the ringing sound. After amputating Mathias's legs, the group begins to unravel from stress, lack of food and water, and loss of hope. The vines continue to creep up on the group, mimicking their words. How will they be able to survive with their sanity dwindling and the vines getting closer and closer?

It's like an Abercrombie & Fitch ad come to life

I like the general idea behind The Ruins because you really don't see many “killer plant” horror movies nowadays. It's the execution that is hit and miss. The movie is slow for the first 40 minutes. Yes, there's some action, but it's not particularly interesting or thrilling. Up until that point, we have to suffer through the usual “annoying young people in a foreign land” routine with a dash of relationship issues. Most of the characters are pretty annoying up until the action starts, but they could have been worse. The acting is fine and the direction is good. I'm sure she's heard it before, but Jena Malone does look similar to Kristen Stewart. Thankfully she's not as bland and emotionless as Ms. Stewart. The killer vines look pretty good and I really enjoyed that they made mimicking sounds. It was a nice twist and was not overdone. There are a few good scenes of blood and gore which may make people with a weaker stomach ill.

My biggest issue with The Ruins is that it's not sure what type of horror movie it wants to be. It has flashes of good ideas and some good scenes, but it doesn't quite bring things together. I think the problem is that the movie wants to hit on too many passable notes instead of focusing on one good note. The story has the potential to be a great psychological horror movie with the group's isolation and the creeping knowledge that they are going to die. There is no escape, no one is coming to help, and they are exposed to the elements. Just when the movie seems to be going in that direction, we get action and violence with the vines. Then we get gruesome blood and gore from amputations. True all these things fit together, but none of them have time to shine. We get lots of little good things instead of one or two great things. Sometimes less can be way more.

Feed me, Seymour!

The Ruins has lots of good little ideas, but is unable to come together to make for one great watch. The lack of focus on what the movie wants to be hurts the overall watching experience. If it wanted to be psychological, it should have went that route. If it wanted to be a monster for, it should have been a monster movie. It's a slow first 40 minutes, but things do eventually pick up. There is a decent amount of action and a few unexpected scenes of gore. The acting is mediocre, but the direction is good. The Ruins does have a few good scenes, so it's worth a watch if you're looking for something new. You won't be blown away, but you'll appreciate the effort.

6.5/10