The Worst Of 365 Days Of Horror

A "Worst Of" list from all the movies I have reviewed

Going down

 

I gave you the best, now here's the worst. When you watch 365 horror movies, you're bound to find a whole bunch of duds. When a horror movie is great, it is truly great. It's far easier to make a bad movie than a good one and it's very apparent in horror. Go to your local Wal-Mart, convenience store, or gas station and you'll probably see a pile of cheap horror movies, most of which you've never heard of. This project allowed me to see some truly great classic horror movies. It also allowed me to see some of the worst bits of entertainment committed to film. There were some movies that were so bad that I couldn't even get through them. While I could probably write for days about each terrible movie, below is a comprehensive list of the worst offenders, split into sub genres. Hope you enjoy my hate!

Worst Overall Movie

H.P. Lovecraft's The Tomb

How can one movie get something things wrong? H.P. Lovecraft is one of my favorite writers, but for whatever reason, most of the movies based off his work are terrible. I can't say that The Tomb falls into this category because it does not follow the Lovecraft story. I mean, at all. The original story is a great work of the macabre. The movie is just a confused, muddled mess of nothingness. I understand that budget constraints make some of his grander stories hard to create. The Tomb doesn't have that problem because there is no budget. I have no idea who the characters are or what is going on in this movie. The acting is horrible and the direction is almost non-existant. The best part of the movie is when I stopped watching it. Easily the worst out of 365 movies.

Runner-Up: The Zombie Diaries

Zombie Movie (Romero)

Survival of the Dead

It's no secret that I love George Romero's original “...Of The Dead” trilogy. They are what got me into a horror. While some of his non-zombie movies have been less than stellar, he is still the godfather of the undead. Like criticizing your favorite band for putting out an album that you don't like, I find it hard to point out the problems in Survival Of The Dead. Not because there aren't any (believe me, there are plenty) it's just that it's almost painful to see where things went wrong. I appreciate that the story connects with Diary Of The Dead as it adds a nice touch of continuity. Unfortunately, the rest of the story feels incredibly forced and, at times, confusing. Why are there two Irish families feuding on some island in America? And more importantly, why do we care? There is some decent action, but nowhere near the level of brutal violence and gore we've come to expect from a Romero zombie movie. Rather than going out with a bang, Survival ends the second zombie trilogy with a sad whimper.

Runner-up: Diary of the Dead

Zombie Movie (non-Romero)

The Zombie Diaries

A picture is worth a thousand words. The cover for The Zombie Diaries dvd looks like a fun, action-packed zombie bloodfest. None of that happens in this shaky found-footage borefest. It starts off relatively interesting, but the action never picks up. The story is as excruciatingly slow as the snail-paced zombies. It jumps between different groups of people, whom the audience does not know or care about. I was left bored and confused the entire length of the movie. The ending tries to be shocking, but by the time I reached the end, I just didn't care. It's shocking that they actually made a sequel to this movie considering just how bad the original is. I highly recommend that you stay far away from this movie.

Runner-up: The Quick and the Dead

Vampire Movie

Bloodrayne

Just about everything in this movie is bad, but what do you expect from Director Uwe Boll. He's the reverse Midas. Everything he touches turns to garbage. I knew that the movie was going to be bad before I watched it, it was just a matter of how bad. The story is moronic, the acting is terrible, and Michael Madsen's wig should be considered a dangerous animal. At least the movie has lots of blood and violence. Stupid, pointless violence, but violence nonetheless. I've never played the video game, so I can't compare and contrast it with the movie. Either way, Bloodrayne is further proof that video games should never be made into movies.

Runner-Up: Against the Dark

Werewolf Movie

Wolves Of Wall Street

There are no werewolves in this movie. None. Zero. Nada. Sure, there are some wolf sounds and some suggestive shadows, but no actual, on-screen shots of werewolves. I regret watching this movie so early into 365 DoH. If I had watched it later on, I would have been able to rip it apart even more. The story is goofy in the made-for-tv sense. It's clearly made on the the cheap and shots of the moon are reused so many times that it deserves top billing. There's no real horror or suspense to speak of. The only redeeming quality for the entire movie is that Elisa Donovan is in it. Beyond that, Wolves of Wall Street is just a pile of terrible.

Runner-Up: The Beast Of Bray Road

Monster Movie

Creature

Monster movies shouldn't be complicated. The old Universal monster movies got it right. Nowadays, monster movies need wild gimmicks to separate themselves from the plethora of horror movies that are churned out every day. The first 30 minutes are passable. Not good, but passable. It's not until the story finally kicks in that things fall off the rails, catch on fire, and crash into the side of a mountain. It's a goofy, convoluted legend about a man turning into some sort of alligator. It could have been fun in a SyFy sense, but it's not executed in a way where the story can be enjoyed. There are scenes of incest and sexual assault throughout the movie and neither are portrayed in a negative light. The monster does not look good and there is not as much violence as you'd expect. There's a reason why Creature made the least amount of money ever for a wide-release movie.

Runner-Up: Monsters

Foreign Movie

Ju-On

This one is partially my fault as I thought I would be watching the original Japanese version of The Grudge. I was half-right as there are certain parts of this movie in the American remake. I found the movie really hard to follow, even beyond language and cultural differences. It's relatively short, but still manages to bounce around between characters too much. I could not forge a strong connection to any characters because they would be out of the movie within 15 minutes. There are some unsettling moments and some decent suspense, but the movie lacks the proper amount of action. Most of the violence is implied and while there is a decent amount of blood, some special effects are less than convincing. Ju-On isn't horrendously bad, it's just not good.

Runner-Up: Dead Cert

Slasher Movie

Rocktober Blood

Despite being quite bad, Rocktober Blood has a special place in my heart. I fondly remember watching it (on VHS!) with my friend and laughing at how ridiculous it is. As far as slashers go, it's not suspenseful or scary, just silly. The idea of a killer that comes back from the grave to kill again is not particularly original, but it doesn't matter as the killer is portrayed in such a way that no one anywhere ever could be afraid of him. The one good takeaway is that the music in the movie is performed by the metal band Sorcery. The songs are extremely catchy. Don't believe me? Well check out this song and see if you're not humming it later on. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvB78T2KUFc

Runner-Up: Bloody Birthday

Horror Comedy

Shocker

Wait, this movie was supposed to be funny? It's the worst type of horror comedy when the movie is neither scary nor funny. Even the Scary Movie series manages to force a chuckle once in a while. Shocker tries to give us some slapstick physical comedy, but it's so hackneyed that the Three Stooges would blush. The story of an executed killer gaining electric super powers and the main character being able to have weird visions doesn't make much sense, even for a horror movie. Things just kind of happen throughout with no regard for continuity or the audience's sanity. The biggest insult of all is that Wes Craven wrote and directed this terrible movie. It would have been scarier to see Rush Limbaugh naked. Funnier too.

Runner-Up: Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes

Demonic Movie

The Devil's Rock

Sometimes you take a chance on the movie, having no prior knowledge to guide your decision. It might lead you to a pleasant surprise, much like when I watched Pontypool. Then again, it might lead you to The Devil's Rock. I was drawn in by the World War II aspect of the movie. I feel that there is a serious lack of good war-based horror movies and always like to give them a chance. Unfortunately, The Devil's Rock is a boring story about some sort of demon being held in a German bunker. The cast is razor thin as I believe there are only 4 people with speaking roles in the entire film. The demon's mind games are as predictable as the characters actions, leaving me bored and annoyed. It doesn't help that the demon looks stereotypical and cartoonish. You might actually find a better demon at your next Halloween party. By the end, I didn't care what happened and just wanted the movie to be over. So much for good war-based horror. You win some, you lose some.

Runner-Up: Blessed

Stephen King Movie

Maximum Overdrive

Stephen King is one of the the best horror writers in the modern era. Just about everyone has either read or seen one of his works. Unfortunately, some of his stories have received less than favorable treatments on the big screen. Well, if you want something right, do it yourself. Maximum Overdrive is King's directorial debut. Of course, this was during his coked-up 80's faze and it shows. The killer machine idea is nothing new, but their portrayal in this movie is far too silly to be considered scary. The movie gets stuck in one location and drags on for too long. Emilio Estevez is fine in his role, though not much was required of him. As a first-time director King was passable. Still, the story is better suited for an episode of the Twilight Zone and not a full-length movie. The wailing soundtrack by AC/DC doesn't help, either.

Runner-Up: Graveyard Shift

Sci-Fi Horror Movie

Proteus

A heroin-addicted sea monster? Check. Cheap mid-90's sets? Check. Mullets? Check. Proteus is your basic science-fiction monster movie complete with ridiculous evil bad-guy plot thrown on top of everything. The hero and his companions are portrayed as a drug smugglers, so it's hard to cheer for them to survive. The dialogue is very bad, but actor Craig Fairbrass manages to do a decent job. His supporting cast does him no favors and bring down the entire movie. The monster itself looks hilariously bad. It actually makes Carnosaur look like it should be in Jurassic Park. If you can't make a good monster, don't make a monster movie.

Runner-Up: Splice

Horror Anthology

From A Whisper To A Scream

 

This movie suckered me in by having Vincent Price in it. Sadly, he's only in a few scenes, but still manages to be the best thing in it. Everything about this anthology is terrible. There are too many stories and none of them are particularly good. The horror is weak and the storytelling is just not there to keep the audience interested. The ideas for the stories aren't bad, just unoriginal. The problem lies in the execution as the acting is poor and the sets are cheap. A little bit of money and effort could have made the movie far more enjoyable. Instead, it's just a painful reminder that I could be watching Creepshow instead.

Runner-Up: Deadtime Stories Vol. 1

Masters Of Horror

Chocolate

Masters of Horror put out plenty of dudes (Dance of the Dead, Haeckel's Tale), but they usually managed to be horror-centric stories. Chocolate doesn't even come close to horror. The idea of seeing horrible violence through another's point of view has been done before (For example, The Eye) and done better. The acting is pretty bad (with the exception of Matt Frewer) and the story is meandering and pointless. There is nothing scary or even exciting about Chocolate. It's all just one big waste of time. I legitimately feel bad for anyone who buys this on a whim. I've seen Disney movies scarier than this.This was painful to sit through.

Runner-Up: Dance Of The Dead, Haeckel's Tale

Remake

Freakshow

I usually question the necessity for remakes, but I can understand the desire to remake the classic 1932 movie “Freaks”. It's old enough where a good chunk of your audience probably have not seen it. It doesn't help, though, when you classify your remake as a “modern retelling” and the only changes you make are nudity and violence. At first, I thought Freakshow was just ripping off Freaks until I did a little research. The original was supremely unsettling while the remake is just boring and uninspired. There's a lot of talk and planning in the movie with very little action until the rushed ending. I'm not a fan of watching torture which is a problem considering the last 10 minutes of the movie are just torture. The scene is painfully slow and unpleasant, just like the rest of the movie.

Runner-Up: The Hitcher

The Best Of 365 Days Of Horror

A "Best Of" list from all the movies I have reviewed

Better than all the rest

Greetings fellow horror fans. Have you missed me? I sure missed you. I know I posted back in January that I was going to post a few more things, but life always manages to get in the way. To make up for my lack of posting, here is my "Best Of" list where I break down some of my favorite movies from the past year. If you think I should add another genre or missed out of something, leave me a comment. I'll be doing a "Worst Of" list soon as well. Hopefully it won't take me four months to get to like this post.

Zombie Movie (Romero)

Dawn of the Dead

George Romero sure does love his zombie movies. Most people split them up into two categories: The original “...Of The Dead” trilogy of Night, Dawn, and Day and then the recent trilogy of Land, Diary, and Survival. Most would agree that the second trilogy is far inferior to the first three movies. Each of those movies have their moments, but they have too many flaws to even be mentioned in the same breath as the original trilogy. While Night and Day are both entertaining, Dawn Of The Dead is really head and shoulders above the rest. The action starts off right away, the characters are good, and the violence is great. The movie really picks up when they get to the mall, fulfilling the audience's fantasy of doing whatever they want. As is common with Romero's other movies, Dawn has a lot of smart social commentary and really positions people as the real monster.

Runner-Up: Night Of The Living Dead

Zombie Movie (non-Romero)

Pontypool

Pontypool really caught me by surprise. I watched the movie on a whim with no prior knowledge. I saw no trailers, read no reviews. I hadn't even heard of it until I started watching. It's a smart zombie movie that is also incredibly scary. While it may not have as much blood or violence as your typical zombie movie, it stays true to the basic tenets of zombie horror. There is a true sense of panic and utter hopelessness as the movie progresses. I also appreciated that the zombies come about not because of radiation or the dead coming back to life, but because of “infected” words that change people. It's abstract and unique, yet still plausible.

Runner-Up: Exit Humanity

Vampire Movie

From Dusk Till Dawn

Despite almost half the movie having no vampires, From Dusk Till Dawn is still an incredibly entertaining vampire movie. It doesn't hurt that the cast includes George Clooney, Harvey Keitel, Juliette Lewis, Quentin Tarantino, and a bikini-clad Salma Hayek. The movie has equal parts action, suspense, and horror, all of which make for an incredibly fun watch. It's over-the-top entertainment thanks to the great performances and director Robert Rodriguez's incredible eye for action.

Runner-Up: John Carpenter's Vampires

Werewolf Movie

An American Werewolf In London

Director John Landis manages to create a werewolf movie that is both scary and funny. The movie is best known for it's werewolf transformation scene. Unlike previous movies, the transformation takes place in clear light for an extended period. Thanks to incredible special effects, the audience practically feel the pain of the transformation as well. It's your traditional werewolf movie, but thanks to good acting and solid direction, An American Werewolf In London is a great watch.

Runner-Up: Ginger Snaps

Monster Movie

The Host

The Host is fashioned after the classic Godzilla movies from Japan. The movie has plenty of emotion and lots of social and environmental commentary. The monster itself looks very good thanks to some great special effects work. The characters are all likable and relatable. Thankfully the movie is in it's native Korean and not dubbed. It's a little long, but it's worth it.

Runner-Up: Monster Brawl

Foreign Movie

Frontier(s)

Frontier(s) came out of nowhere for me. I had never heard of it before and decided to watch it on a whim. It is shockingly violent, but does not rely on gore alone. It's brutal, grim, and gritty, and not for everyone. The sets and natural locations both look very good and transport the viewer to another place, fully enveloping them in horror.

Found Footage Movie

Cloverfield

Cloverfield manages to put the audience directly in the path of a gigantic monster. The movie uses Manhattan to it's advantage with scenes on bridges, on the streets, and in subways. You really feel like you're right there with the characters. There's even a decent love story thrown in for good measure. The monster looks great and some great camera work makes Cloverfield more than just another shaky-cam headache-a-thon.

Runner-Up: Quarantine

Favorite Slasher Movie

Satan's Little Helper

I have a special love for Satan's Little Helper. It's cheap, simple, and occasionally stupid, but it's still incredibly fun. The mask for “Satan” looks great and I love that we never see the killer's face. Technically, we're not even sure of the killer's true identity. The ending manages to be both scary and depressing, a high accomplishment for a lesser-known movie. While it might not make it on many (or any) lists, I enjoyed it immensely and have given it multiple views.

Runner-Up: Halloween

Favorite Universal Monster

Dracula

The classic story is full of horror, romance, and romantic horror. Bela Lugosi is the one and only Dracula and everyone else after him is just holding his place until he inevitably rises from the grave once more. The movie is over 80 years old and hasn't lost anything to time or changing trends. The movie is drenched in shadow giving it an unshakable creepiness that stands to this day.

Runner-Up: Frankenstein

Favorite Horror Comedy

Dracula: Dead And Loving It

It's Mel Brooks and Leslie Nielsen. What more could you want? The movie stays pretty true to the Dracula story, but still manages to cram in loads of laughs. While it may not be Brooks' best movie, it's still far better than any sort of “spoof” movie that has come out in the past twenty years. Comedy doesn't always work in horror, but Mel Brooks manages to do the impossible.

Runner-Up: Suck

Favorite Satanic Movie

Prince Of Darkness

I don't know why, but something about this movie legitimately scared me the first time I watched it. The slow descent of the outside world, the race against time, and the supernatural elements all work together to create something awkward and unsettling. We only see the arm of the Prince of Darkness and it still manages to be frightening. An unsung gem by John Carpenter.

Runner-Up: The Omen

Favorite Stephen King Movie

Misery

Misery is scary because it is very real. There's no supernatural elements, no aliens, no magic powers. Just a man trapped in a room with a psychopath. The real praise goes to James Caan and Kathy Bates who put in award-winning caliber performances. Director Rob Reiner does a great job giving us both thrills and chills. Misery proves that you don't need wild stories and fantasy to make good horror. Sometimes a person is the scariest monster.

Runner-Up: The Shining

Favorite Sci-Fi Horror Movie

The Thing

One of my all-time favorite movies. What can be scarier than an alien creature that can look like anything? An alien creature that can look like hideous twister monsters. Thanks to some great special effects, we see a monster straight out of our nightmares. The movie has plenty of mystery, action, suspense and horror. Kurt Russel is great as well as the rest of the supporting cast. One of John Carpenter's best.

Runner-Up: The Fly

Favorite Horror Anthology

Creepshow

When you combine two great horror minds like Stephen King and George Romero, you know you're in for a good time. Each story in Creepshow is highly enjoyable and could stand on it's own as a full-length. There are great performances from a myriad of talented actors that aren't necessarily synonymous with horror. People like Leslie Nielsen, Ted Danson, Ed Harris, Adrienne Barbeau, Hal Holbrook, and even Stephen King himself make the movie that much more enjoyable. The stories are all different and avoid falling into the usual horror cliches. Highly recommended.

Runner-Up: Trick R Treat

Favorite Masters Of Horror

Cigarette Burns

This was the one Masters of Horror episode that actually gave me the chills. I actually regret reviewing it so early because I feel like I probably missed some things. I really like everything about this movie; from the concept, to the acting, to the execution. Everything about it is as good as it is terrifying. The idea of a haunted video isn't new (The Ring anyone?), but once we actually see clips of said-haunted movie, everything becomes that much more terrifying. This could easily have been a full-length movie and could have even become a new horror classic.

Runner-Up: Family

Favorite Remake

The Crazies

The Crazies took a decent, if somewhat forgettable, George Romero horror movie and improved on it in just about every way. It manages to achieve both reasons for remaking a movie: Exposing the audience to something they might not have originally scene and making it better. The movie has lots of great action and some good scares. There are some memorable scenes and some pretty good acting that help the story along. I'm not the biggest fan of remakes, but The Crazies gives me hope for future ones.

Runner-Up: Fright Night

Most Shocking Moment

Eye-gouging scene from Zombie (Zombi 2)

Wow! This scene completely and utterly shocked me when I saw it. I was literally on the edge of my seat as I saw a woman pulled closer and closer to a piece of broken wood. Movies tend to cut away, leaving the brutal violence to the audience's imagination. Zombi stays with the scene, showing exactly what happens when the human eye meets something sharp. Here is the scene if you are morbidly curious.

Runner-Up: The “hobbling” scene from Misery

Day 353: The Howling

The Howling

My worst fear involves a locked room, Sarah Palin, and no ear plugs

Werewolf movies are all about confronting the beast within. It's man vs. nature at the most intimate level. As humans, we are taught to curb our basic animal instincts. Society frowns upon us swiping at the dominant male, fighting over carrion, and urinating on everything, despite what the subways in New York may smell like. It's this struggle that makes werewolf movies compelling. Will the character give in to his animal nature, killing and eating everything in it's path on will he be able to control the monster trying to get out? Of course, having lots of gory violence also helps make a werewolf movie fun. A balance is necessary between the emotional turmoil and the physical violence. Is it possible to have a good werewolf movie if you only have one and not the other?

The Howling is a 1981 werewolf movie based on the novel of the same name by Gary Brandner and directed by Joe Dante (Gremlins, Masters Of Horror: Homecoming). The movie stars Dee Wallace (E.T., The Hills Have Eyes) as Los Angeles television reporter Karen White. Karen is being harassed and stalked by a man named Eddie Quist (Robert Picardo, The Wonder Years, Wagons East) and cooperates with police in order to capture him. Eddie meets her in an adult video store movie booth and forces her to watch a video of a woman being raped. When she turns to look at him, Eddie begins to turn into some kind of monster before being gunned down by a police officer. Karen suffers from amnesia due to the traumatic event and has horrible recurring nightmares. At her therapist Dr. George Waggner's (Patrick Macnee, The Avengers, This Is Spinal Tap) suggestion, Karen and her husband Bill (Christopher Stone, Cujo, The New Lassie) go to a resort in the woods called “The Colony”. There are other people at The Colony who all suffer from various types of afflictions. A woman named Marsha (Elisabeth Brooks, Starsky and Hutch, The Rockford Files) is a nymphomaniac and tries to entice Bill. One night while in the woods, Bill is attacked and bitten by a wolf-like creature. Bill begins to change and eventually meets with Marsha in the woods where they both transform into werewolves and have sex. Karen is unaware of the extent to which Bill has changed, but is still scared of both him and The Colony and enlists the help of her friend Terri (Belinda Balaski, Gremlins, Small Soldiers) and her boyfriend Chris (Dennis Dugan, director of Happy Gilmore and Big Daddy). They discover that The Colony is actually a group of werewolves living amongst humans. Even more terrifying, Eddie Quist is actually alive and is part of The Colony. Will Terri and Chris be able to save Karen and expose The Colony for what it really is before it's too late?

Is that werewolf part Corgi?

Despite being based off the novel by Gary Brandner, The Howling makes a number of changes, both in story and in tone. The novel is far more serious while the movie takes on a self-aware semi-humorous tone. I say semi-humorous because there really aren't any “laugh out loud” moments in the movie. Director Joe Dante, known for his in-jokes and obscure references, fills the movie with all sorts of little jokes that the average viewer will miss. I mean, I've watched a year's worth of horror movies and missed a majority of them. There are references to wolves throughout the movie, such as 'Wolf Brand' chili and a cartoon of a wolf playing on the TV. More obscure, though, it the names of characters that are actually references to all sorts of other werewolf and horror movies. I honestly had no idea about any of this and only found out while researching the movie. Maybe some of the effort gone into making jokes should have gone into making a good movie. The Howling lacks any real emotion that one would find in a typical werewolf movie. We never really care about Karen as she is portrayed as a weak character right from the beginning. We don't really care about Bill since he's kind of a jerk anyway and turns into a werewolf fairly quickly. The movie takes a strange turn and makes Chris, Terri's boyfriend, the hero. Why make what is essentially a random guy the hero? It's a strange way of writing the story and leaves the audience without a strong connection to the characters.

While The Howling disappoints as a story, it does impress with it's special effects. There werewolves look very good thanks to state-of-the-art effects (at the time) which give extreme detail to the creatures. There is a great extended scene where Eddie transforms into a werewolf, rivaling the transformation in An American Werewolf In London. Of course, the transformation happens when Eddie has Terri cornered and it takes a good 3-4 minutes for the transformation to complete. What, Terri couldn't just walk out while he was busy? There is a decent amount of violence and blood, but not as much as one would expect. The movie is well-made and Joe Dante does a fine job of directing. The acting leaves a little bit to be desired, but it is fun to see someone like Slim Pickens with werewolf teeth. The ending had potential, but

Bark at the moon

I suppose I shouldn't take the movie so seriously (clearly the people involved didn't), but I just didn't find the movie all that humorous. Maybe it's because I'm seeing this 1981 movie in 2012, but a lot of the references were lost on me. When you take the humor out, you realize that there isn't much to the story. There's no real struggle between man (and woman) against his animal instincts and no emotion to make us really care. The movie manages to stave off a complete collapse thanks to good special effects, entertaining action, and solid horror. There are a few scares and decent atmosphere when the movie decides to actually be a horror film. While it's not the best werewolf film, The Howling does have some very good werewolf moments. It's still worth a watch, but temper your expectations.

6/10

Day 338: Dog Soldiers

Dog Soldiers

Sup, dog?

Today's movie is a special request from Julian of the super catchy band Glory Days. You should go listen to them now and follow them on Twitter. I'll wait. If you're on Twitter follow Julian at @juliandimagiba and Glory days at @weareglorydays. Now that we're all done swooning, back to the horror. I have had a few requests spread out over the course of this past year. Most people pick a movie that they think I'll like or may have missed. Not so much with this request. I was given this movie to watch with the knowledge that the movie was not good. A quick search on Rotten Tomatoes shows that it actually had a pretty high rating. Who would be right?

Dog Soldiers is a 2002 British werewolf movie starring Kevin McKidd (Grey's Anatomy, Trainspotting) as Private Cooper and Sean Pertwee (Soldier, Event Horizon) as Sergeant Harry Wells. An unnamed young couple are camping in the woods when they are viciously attacked by an unknown beast. Private Cooper has a tryout to join an elite military unit. In order to pass, Captain Richard Ryan (Liam Cunningham, Safe House, Game Of Thrones) commands Cooper to shoot a dog. Cooper refuses and Ryan shoots the dog himself, failing Cooper in the process. A month later, a group of British soldiers, including Cooper, drop into the Scotish highlands for a training mission with the elite unit. The find the unit savagely murdered with Captain Ryan wounded, but alive. He mentions being attacked by someone or something, but doesn't make much sense. The group is attacked by a pack of large werewolves and they try to fight back. Sgt. Wells is badly injured Their guns prove relatively useless and they make a run for it. The find a road and are picked up by a woman named Megan (Emma Cleasby, Doomsday, F). She takes them to an empty house where they tend to Wells' wounds and fortify their positions. They fight off the werewolves, but ammunition begins to run low. Surrounded, the group decides to plan for an escape. Will they be able to survive and are both Megan and Captain Ryan hiding something?

Awoooo werewolves of Scotland

This may be one of the few times where I've watched a movie in English and desperately needed subtitles. It's even worse than in Dead Cert. The combination of thick accents, foreign slang, fast talking, and a sprinkling of military terms left me utterly lost and confused in certain scenes. It didn't make much of a difference in terms of the story, but it would have been nice to know just what people are saying. Speaking of the story, it's a fairly predictable werewolf movie with more gun play than some war movies. There are plenty of guns and explosions which is all well and good except they don't really stop the werewolves. What's the point of wasting the ammo when it's not really doing anything? The movie tries to go with a few surprises, but they were pretty obvious. The movie also makes it a point to inject humor into many scenes. Some are funny, but others are eye roll worthy.

Dog Soldiers knows it's a low budget B-movie and revels in it. Sometimes that's a good thing and sometimes it's a bad thing. The camera work was a little shaky and erratic during the action scenes making it hard to focus on what's happening. About 80% of the movie is action scenes so you can see how that would get old fast. The werewolves actually look good, but a little stiff. It's a shame the camera never really focuses on them as we get quick shots and individual body parts instead. What the movie lacks in story and logic it makes up for in loads of blood and gore. Sgt. If you like the color red, you're really like this movie. Wells actually has his guts spilling out yet manages to push them back in and get patched up for a majority of the movie. Come one, really? Injuring him makes sense, but don't eviscerate the guy and play it off like he's fine. Some may think this is nitpicking for a cheap horror movie, but it's just too hard to ignore. The direction is fine and the acting is good. 

Plunker! Tallywhacker! Wanker! Uh...Loo!

Between Julian requesting Dog Soldiers because it was terrible and online reviews saying it was great, I have to side with Julian and not just because we're both wrestling nerds. While the violence is good and there's plenty of blood and gore, it wasn't enough to keep me from slipping into bored annoyance. The accents were so thick that I was reminded of the scene in Austin Powers: Goldmember where he and his father speak “English” English. I know it's supposed to be a B-movie, but I found it too hard to ignore plot holes and predictable twists. The werewolves look good, but the film doesn't really focus on them. If you look at a movie like The Wolfman or An American Werewolf InLondon, we see plenty of werewolf. Why hide them? There are better werewolf movies out there and I suggest you find them before settling for Dog Soldiers.

4.5/10

Day 324: Monster Brawl

Monster Brawl

Where's The Undertaker and Kane?

I admit it. I'm a professional wrestling nerd. I am well aware that the results are predetermined (it's not fake, it's predetermined. Get it right), but I am still wildly entertained by it. I was a huge Hulkamaniac when I was younger, but became disinterested in the mid-90's. It may come as a shock to some that know me, but I pretty much missed the entire “Monday Night Wars”. While professional wrestling was at it's zenith of popularity, I wasn't watching. I felt like it was kid's stuff. I randomly became interested again while flipping through channels and saw that both Mr. Perfect and Big Boss Man, wrestlers from my childhood, were back in the WWE. An occasional watch became a weekly love affair that has extended to this day, going to live events and watching pay-per-views. I know, I'm a dork, but I'm perfectly OK with that. Being a fan things outside the mainstream tend to go together. Comic books, horror movies, heavy metal, wrestling. It was only a matter of time before there was a wrestling horror movie.

Monster Brawl is a 2011 independent horror comedy starring Dave Foley (The Kids In The Hall, Suck) as play-by-play announcer Buzz Chambers and Art Hindle (The Brood, Invasion Of The Body Snatchers) as color commentator “Sasquatch” Sid Tucker. An independent wrestling promoter and self-professed horror nerd has gathered eight monsters from across the globe and through time to compete in the ultimate monster battle. The combatants are seperated into two categories: Undead and Creatures. On the Undead side is Frankenstein, The Mummy, Zombie Man, and Lady Vampire. On the Creatures side is Cyclops, Werewolf, Witch Bitch, and Swamp Gut. The battles take place inside a wrestling ring set amidst an abandoned and cursed graveyard. Jimmy “Mouth Of The South” Hart of WWF/E and WCW fame announces the combatants as we are treated to background clips of each monster. Each clip reveals a little bit of each monster. For example, Zombie Man is the product of the army and managed by the maniacal Colonel Crookshank (Kevin Nash of WWF/E and WCW fame, Punisher). UFC referee Herb Dean referees the match to ensure the rules aren't broken, but he is killed in the first match. Which classic monster will reign supreme and prove once and for all who is the baddest monster in the world?

"Say it's fake again. I dare you."

If the above rundown of the movie felt like it was short on story, character development, and all the other hallmarks of a typical movie, you'd be right. Monster Brawl pulls no punches (sorry for the terrible pun) and makes no bones (sorry, another bad one) about what type of movie it is. Like the SpikeTV show Deadliest Warrior, Monster Brawl takes every 7 year-old's question of “Who would win in a fight?” There was really only two ways of doing this movie: lots of plot and story with a little bit of actual fighting or lots of fighting and no real story. They went with the latter and I'm OK with that decision. If you're looking for an actual movie with story, plot, emotions, and love interests, you're going to be sorely disappointed. The little background clips are fun and help break up the dark monotony of the graveyard and wrestling ring.

"We're the real monsters, baby!"

The fights play out like typical wrestling matches with clotheslines, jumps off the top turnbuckle, and occasional outside interference from managers. Each fighter has skill in the ring, some even better than those in WWE and TNA. The movie obviously had help laying out the matches from professionals which is great because they would be a mess otherwise. They have a good amount of psychology and good back and forth action. Each fighter cuts a promo before their match which are fun, but by no means hysterical. Dave Foley and Art Hindle are funny and have good chemistry. Foley channels his inner Howard Cossell while Hindle, dressed similar to Jim Ross from WWE, is more of a typical veteran color commentator. Lance Henriksen (Pumpkinhead, Millenium) lends his gravelly voice as the narrator during the background segments. Fans of the Mortal Kombat will enjoy the voice-overs during the fight shouting “Excellent!” and “Disturbing!” It's fun to see Jimmy Hart and Kevin Nash, but I would've liked to see more professional wrestlers throughout the movie. I'm sure they could have used the paycheck. Wrestling fans should not be surprised that Nash didn't “do the job” even in a movie. 

What a slobberknocker!

There's not a whole lot to Monster Brawl, but it is still immensely fun to watch. Writer/Director Jesse T. Cook knows exactly what he is going for with this movie. Rather than muddling around with a half-hearted story, he goes right for the action. The final fight is a little long and I felt the ending could have been better in my opinion. The fighting is good as the actors are all skilled and someone with wrestling knowledge clearly helped lay out all the matches. The monsters all look good and there is a nice variety to pick from. If you're not a wrestling fan, you'll still get a kick out of all of the fights, but don't expect much of an emotional connection to any character. For the wrestling dorks out there that also love horror, Monster Brawl is a must see. Regardless of the story (or lack thereof), I was still highly entertained.

8/10

Day 276: Ginger Snaps Back

Ginger Snaps Back

Snap into a Slim Jim

I've spoken about my wariness towards sequels before, but I've never discussed prequels. There's a good reason for that because I can't recall ever watching one. I mean, I'm sure it's happened at some point, but nothing comes to mind. I tend to avoid these even more than sequels. I never feel the need to see events “before” the original movie or watch different actors play iconic parts. You now may be wondering why I'm reviewing a prequel today. Well, it wasn't my intention, as I actually thought I was watching a sequel/prequel. Confused, well so was I, especially when I found out that this was the third movie in the series, not the second.

Ginger Snaps Back is the 2004 prequel to Ginger Snaps and Ginger Snaps: Unleashed, once again starring Katharine Isabelle (Freddy vs. Jason, Insomnia) as Ginger and Emily Perkins (Juno, She's The Man) as her sister Brigitte. The movie takes place during the 19^th century in the Canadian frontier. The girls are traveling through the wilderness when they come across an elderly Native American woman. She refers to them as “the red and the black” and warns them that if they do not “kill the boy” one of the sisters will die. Their horse flees and Brigitte chases after it, only to have her leg caught in a bear trap. She is freed by a Cree hunter (Nathaniel Arcand, Crazy Horse, American Outlaws) and, along with Ginger, taken to a nearby fort. They are given food and shelter by the leader Wallace Rowlands (Tom McCamus, Mutant X, The Newsroom), though the men inside are tired and wary of strangers, particularly Reverend Gilbert (Hugh Dillon, Trailer Park Boys, Surveillance). The fort has been under siege by werewolves for some time and their supplies are running low. One night, Ginger is awakened by a voice and searches the house where she finds a young boy cowering in a corner. She approaches him only to be shocked that he is in fact changing into a werewolf. The boy bites her and flees. The sisters discover that the boy is actually Wallace's supposedly dead son, Geoffrey. Ginger begins to change into a werewolf and Brigitte desperately tries to hide her sister's transformation. They learn that only way to reverse the curse of the werewolf is to kill the one who bit you. Will Ginger be able to kill the little boy before being discovered or will the werewolves get into the fort first?

"That's not a knife, this is a...well, it's a sword. Whatever, just die!"

The first Ginger Snaps movie had a pretty definitive ending, so when I saw that Ginger Snaps Back was a prequel, I figured “Well, there was no way they could make a sequel, so this makes sense.” Turns out I was wrong as there is, in fact, a sequel. I apologize in advance if some things are revealed in the second movie that connects the other two. That's my fault, so please let me know if I miss something. The good thing about this error is that Ginger Snaps Back is able to stand as it's own movie. There aren't a lot of references from the previous movies to confuse newcomers and the story self-contained. Of course, the reasoning behind making their story take place in the 19^th century frontier is a bit odd to me. It's not that I don't enjoy the setting, because I do, I'm just not sure how we go from late 90's horror metaphor for puberty to the Canadian wilderness. In lieu of that, the movie's commentary focuses on racism and sexism. It does a fair job of addressing these issues, though the original Ginger Snaps did a far better job of mixing humor and serious commentary.

There is very little explanation to how Ginger and Brigitte got to where they are or how they're connected to the previous movies (besides using the same names and actresses). I was a bit disappointed that more effort wasn't given to the “why” of the movie. Most people speak without accents, which is disappointing, and certain phrases used by the girls are far too modern. The acting is good and I'm glad that both Katharine Isabelle and Emily Perkins reprized their roles. Sadly, Ginger Snaps Back lacks a lot of the black humor from the first movie which is a shame because it was that humor that separated it from other werewolf movies. The sets and scenery are very good with a grey and dying atmosphere. When shown, the werewolves look good thanks to some nice makeup and special effects. There is a fair amount of action and violence in the movie with decent blood and gore. 

Awoooo, werewolves of Saskatchewan!

I'm not really sure if the Ginger Snaps series needed a period prequel, but we get one anyway. It's a decent werewolf movie, though it could have easily been called something other than Ginger Snaps. The movie can stand on it's own from the series which is both good and bad. There is some good social commentary throughout the film, more than your average werewolf movie. I really enjoyed the original Ginger Snaps and was disappointed in this movie's lack of humor. Despite my disappointment and concern of the necessity to have a prequel, Ginger Snaps Back is still a decent watch with some fun violence. You're better off with the first movie, but this one isn't so bad.

6.5/10

Day 240: Ginger Snaps

Ginger Snaps

What's this all aboot, eh?

It's hard to find a good werewolf movie these days. Sure, you can point to the Lon Chaney Jr. “The Wolfman” or “An American Werewolf In London” as proof that good werewolf movies exist, but those are classics. For every “The Howling” and I can give you ten “Beasts Of Bray Road”. Perhaps werewolf movies are similar to zombie movies in that the great ones are truly great, but it's much easier to just throw some makeup on, splash some blood around, and call it a day. It's far easier to make a bad werewolf movie than a good one. Of course, that doesn't mean good newer werewolf movies don't exist, you just have to look a little harder for them.

Ginger Snaps is a 2000 Canadian werewolf movie starring Emily Perkins (She's The Man, Juno) as Brigitte Fitzgerald and Katharine Isabelle (Freddy vs. Jason, Insomnia) as her sister Ginger. Both girls are social outcasts and obsessed with death, even promising to kill themselves at some point in the future. One day at school, they are overheard making fun of Trina Sinclair (Danielle Hampton) a popular girl at school. Trina takes offense and knocks Brigitte to the ground. Brigitte lands on the bloody remains of a mutilated dog, one of many in town who have been killed by an urban legend named the “Beast of Bailey Downs”. The sisters plan to kidnap Trina's dog one night, but come across another mutilated dog. They are attacked by a large creature and Ginger is dragged off into the woods. Briggit is able to rescue her and they flee into the street where the creature is hit by a van driven by Sam (Kris Lemche, Final Destination 3, My Little Eye), the local drug dealer. Ginger is bitten by the creature and badly hurt, but begins to recover abnormally fast. After a few days, Ginger begins to change, both mentally and physically. She finally gets her period, which appears to be heavier than expected as well as strange hair growing from her wounds. She also becomes more aggressive, forcing a boy at school to have unprotected sex with her. Ginger also starts to grow a tail and fangs. Frightened by Ginger's changes, Brigitte reaches out to Sam to find out what is happening, telling him that she is the one that was bitten. Sam suggests that the creature he hit with his van was a lycanthrope (werewolf). Brigitte pierces Ginger's stomach with a silver ring, but it has no effect. Jason, they boy Ginger had sex with, starts to show signs of lycanthropy as well. Trina goes to the Fitzgerald's house, claiming they took her dog. During a scuffle, she slips and smashes her head on the counter, killing her instantly. The girls bury her in the backyard and Brigitte tries in vain to keep Ginger from going out any more due to her violent behavior. Sam discovers a plant that can reverse the werewolf curse and Brigitte uses it on Jason. With the cure in hand, will Brigitte be able to save Ginger before her transformation is complete?

I've seen uglier people at Canadian Tire

Ginger Snaps is equal parts good horror movie and darkly funny after-school special. There's no question that the movie is a allegory for puberty and high school. It's a pretty sound idea and I'm surprised it hasn't been done more often. The metaphors are pretty transparent, but it's OK because the movie treats the subject with a good deal of dark humor. The sister's mother (Mimi Rogers, Austin Powers, Lost In Space) is delightfully clueless to the entire situation, just trying to do her motherly duties and explain their pubescent changes. Some may find this frustrating, but most will “get” the humor in the parental figures of the movie. Maybe it's because it is a Canadian film, but the movie reminds me a lot of the Canadian school drama, Degrassi. I think the film quality was also similar to that of the aforementioned television show, but it could all just be in my head, thanks to a desire to watch MuchMusic.

The horror is very good, with a slow, but steady build towards Ginger's full transformation into a werewolf. While there is no fantastic transformation scene like in “An American Werewolf In London,” there are enough changes to Ginger to keep things visually interesting. The final incarnation of the Ginger werewolf looks good on a budget. It's not highly-detailed, but far more realistic than a person in a hairy werewolf costume. The film is very much like David Cronenberg's work in this respect. There is a large amount of blood and violence throughout the movie which keeps things fast-paced and entertaining. The movie does wrong a bit too long at almost 110 minutes and the final act drags a bit, but overall the whole story is fun. The ending was actually surprisingly downbeat in comparison to the rest of the movie's tone, but it was still enjoyable.The acting throughout the film is what makes the entire movie come together. Both Emily Perkins and Katharine Isabelle are great in their roles. They have the angsty outcast teenager ideal down well and show good emotion when needed. 

"Ugh. Let's just go to Tim Horton's and watch the Maple Leafs game."

Ginger Snaps is both a great horror movie and a great teenager movie. There is plenty of action and violence with enough blood and gore to keep even the most brutal horror fans happy. I wasn't too happy with all the dead dog shots and references, but I understood no dogs were actually hurt. The effects and makeup used to show Ginger's transformations were good, if simple. Her final werewolf stage looks good and far more realistic than what other werewolf movies try to use. The puberty metaphors are obvious, but still enjoyable thanks to some funny writing and believable performances. Ginger Snaps is highly entertaining and highly recommended.

9/10