A "Worst Of" list from all the movies I have reviewed
Going down
I gave you the best, now here's the worst. When you watch 365 horror movies, you're bound to find a whole bunch of duds. When a horror movie is great, it is truly great. It's far easier to make a bad movie than a good one and it's very apparent in horror. Go to your local Wal-Mart, convenience store, or gas station and you'll probably see a pile of cheap horror movies, most of which you've never heard of. This project allowed me to see some truly great classic horror movies. It also allowed me to see some of the worst bits of entertainment committed to film. There were some movies that were so bad that I couldn't even get through them. While I could probably write for days about each terrible movie, below is a comprehensive list of the worst offenders, split into sub genres. Hope you enjoy my hate!
Worst Overall Movie
How can one movie get something things
wrong? H.P. Lovecraft is one of my favorite writers, but for whatever
reason, most of the movies based off his work are terrible. I can't
say that The Tomb falls into this category because it does not follow
the Lovecraft story. I mean, at all. The original story is a great
work of the macabre. The movie is just a confused, muddled mess of
nothingness. I understand that budget constraints make some of his
grander stories hard to create. The Tomb doesn't have that problem
because there is no budget. I have no idea who the characters are or
what is going on in this movie. The acting is horrible and the
direction is almost non-existant. The best part of the movie is when
I stopped watching it. Easily the worst out of 365 movies.
Runner-Up: The Zombie Diaries
Zombie Movie (Romero)
It's no secret that I love George
Romero's original “...Of The Dead” trilogy. They are what got me
into a horror. While some of his non-zombie movies have been less
than stellar, he is still the godfather of the undead. Like
criticizing your favorite band for putting out an album that you
don't like, I find it hard to point out the problems in Survival Of
The Dead. Not because there aren't any (believe me, there are plenty)
it's just that it's almost painful to see where things went wrong. I
appreciate that the story connects with Diary Of The Dead as it adds
a nice touch of continuity. Unfortunately, the rest of the story
feels incredibly forced and, at times, confusing. Why are there two
Irish families feuding on some island in America? And more
importantly, why do we care? There is some decent action, but nowhere
near the level of brutal violence and gore we've come to expect from
a Romero zombie movie. Rather than going out with a bang, Survival
ends the second zombie trilogy with a sad whimper.
Runner-up: Diary of the Dead
Zombie Movie (non-Romero)
A picture is worth a thousand words.
The cover for The Zombie Diaries dvd looks like a fun, action-packed
zombie bloodfest. None of that happens in this shaky found-footage
borefest. It starts off relatively interesting, but the action never
picks up. The story is as excruciatingly slow as the snail-paced
zombies. It jumps between different groups of people, whom the
audience does not know or care about. I was left bored and confused
the entire length of the movie. The ending tries to be shocking, but
by the time I reached the end, I just didn't care. It's shocking that
they actually made a sequel to this movie considering just how bad
the original is. I highly recommend that you stay far away from this
movie.
Runner-up: The Quick and the Dead
Vampire Movie
Just about everything in this movie is
bad, but what do you expect from Director Uwe Boll. He's the reverse
Midas. Everything he touches turns to garbage. I knew that the movie
was going to be bad before I watched it, it was just a matter of how
bad. The story is moronic, the acting is terrible, and Michael
Madsen's wig should be considered a dangerous animal. At least the
movie has lots of blood and violence. Stupid, pointless violence, but
violence nonetheless. I've never played the video game, so I can't
compare and contrast it with the movie. Either way, Bloodrayne is
further proof that video games should never be made into movies.
Runner-Up: Against the Dark
Werewolf Movie
There are no werewolves in this movie.
None. Zero. Nada. Sure, there are some wolf sounds and some
suggestive shadows, but no actual, on-screen shots of werewolves. I
regret watching this movie so early into 365 DoH. If I had watched it
later on, I would have been able to rip it apart even more. The story
is goofy in the made-for-tv sense. It's clearly made on the the cheap
and shots of the moon are reused so many times that it deserves top
billing. There's no real horror or suspense to speak of. The only
redeeming quality for the entire movie is that Elisa Donovan is in
it. Beyond that, Wolves of Wall Street is just a pile of terrible.
Runner-Up: The Beast Of Bray Road
Monster Movie
Monster movies shouldn't be
complicated. The old Universal monster movies got it right. Nowadays,
monster movies need wild gimmicks to separate themselves from the
plethora of horror movies that are churned out every day. The first
30 minutes are passable. Not good, but passable. It's not until the
story finally kicks in that things fall off the rails, catch on fire,
and crash into the side of a mountain. It's a goofy, convoluted
legend about a man turning into some sort of alligator. It could have
been fun in a SyFy sense, but it's not executed in a way where the
story can be enjoyed. There are scenes of incest and sexual assault
throughout the movie and neither are portrayed in a negative light.
The monster does not look good and there is not as much violence as
you'd expect. There's a reason why Creature made the least amount of
money ever for a wide-release movie.
Runner-Up: Monsters
Foreign Movie
This one is partially my fault as I
thought I would be watching the original Japanese version of The
Grudge. I was half-right as there are certain parts of this movie in
the American remake. I found the movie really hard to follow, even
beyond language and cultural differences. It's relatively short, but
still manages to bounce around between characters too much. I could
not forge a strong connection to any characters because they would be
out of the movie within 15 minutes. There are some unsettling moments
and some decent suspense, but the movie lacks the proper amount of
action. Most of the violence is implied and while there is a decent
amount of blood, some special effects are less than convincing. Ju-On
isn't horrendously bad, it's just not good.
Runner-Up: Dead Cert
Slasher Movie
Despite being quite bad, Rocktober
Blood has a special place in my heart. I fondly remember watching it
(on VHS!) with my friend and laughing at how ridiculous it is. As far
as slashers go, it's not suspenseful or scary, just silly. The idea
of a killer that comes back from the grave to kill again is not
particularly original, but it doesn't matter as the killer is
portrayed in such a way that no one anywhere ever could be afraid of
him. The one good takeaway is that the music in the movie is
performed by the metal band Sorcery. The songs are extremely catchy.
Don't believe me? Well check out this song and see if you're not
humming it later on. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvB78T2KUFc
Runner-Up: Bloody Birthday
Horror Comedy
Wait, this movie was supposed to be
funny? It's the worst type of horror comedy when the movie is neither
scary nor funny. Even the Scary Movie series manages to force a
chuckle once in a while. Shocker tries to give us some slapstick
physical comedy, but it's so hackneyed that the Three Stooges would
blush. The story of an executed killer gaining electric super powers
and the main character being able to have weird visions doesn't make
much sense, even for a horror movie. Things just kind of happen
throughout with no regard for continuity or the audience's sanity.
The biggest insult of all is that Wes Craven wrote and
directed this terrible movie. It would have been scarier to see Rush
Limbaugh naked. Funnier too.
Runner-Up: Attack Of The Killer
Tomatoes
Demonic Movie
Sometimes you take a chance on the
movie, having no prior knowledge to guide your decision. It might
lead you to a pleasant surprise, much like when I watched Pontypool.
Then again, it might lead you to The Devil's Rock. I was drawn in by
the World War II aspect of the movie. I feel that there is a serious
lack of good war-based horror movies and always like to give them a
chance. Unfortunately, The Devil's Rock is a boring story about some
sort of demon being held in a German bunker. The cast is razor thin
as I believe there are only 4 people with speaking roles in the
entire film. The demon's mind games are as predictable as the
characters actions, leaving me bored and annoyed. It doesn't help
that the demon looks stereotypical and cartoonish. You might actually
find a better demon at your next Halloween party. By the end, I
didn't care what happened and just wanted the movie to be over. So
much for good war-based horror. You win some, you lose some.
Runner-Up: Blessed
Stephen King Movie
Stephen King is one of the the best
horror writers in the modern era. Just about everyone has either read
or seen one of his works. Unfortunately, some of his stories have
received less than favorable treatments on the big screen. Well, if
you want something right, do it yourself. Maximum Overdrive is King's
directorial debut. Of course, this was during his coked-up 80's faze
and it shows. The killer machine idea is nothing new, but their
portrayal in this movie is far too silly to be considered scary. The
movie gets stuck in one location and drags on for too long. Emilio
Estevez is fine in his role, though not much was required of him. As
a first-time director King was passable. Still, the story is better
suited for an episode of the Twilight Zone and not a full-length
movie. The wailing soundtrack by AC/DC doesn't help, either.
Runner-Up: Graveyard Shift
Sci-Fi Horror Movie
A heroin-addicted sea monster? Check.
Cheap mid-90's sets? Check. Mullets? Check. Proteus is your basic
science-fiction monster movie complete with ridiculous evil bad-guy
plot thrown on top of everything. The hero and his companions are
portrayed as a drug smugglers, so it's hard to cheer for them to
survive. The dialogue is very bad, but actor Craig Fairbrass manages
to do a decent job. His supporting cast does him no favors and bring
down the entire movie. The monster itself looks hilariously bad. It
actually makes Carnosaur look like it should be in Jurassic Park. If
you can't make a good monster, don't make a monster movie.
Runner-Up: Splice
Horror Anthology
This movie suckered me in by having
Vincent Price in it. Sadly, he's only in a few scenes, but still
manages to be the best thing in it. Everything about this anthology
is terrible. There are too many stories and none of them are
particularly good. The horror is weak and the storytelling is just
not there to keep the audience interested. The ideas for the stories
aren't bad, just unoriginal. The problem lies in the execution as the
acting is poor and the sets are cheap. A little bit of money and
effort could have made the movie far more enjoyable. Instead, it's
just a painful reminder that I could be watching Creepshow instead.
Runner-Up: Deadtime Stories Vol. 1
Masters Of Horror
Masters of Horror put out plenty of
dudes (Dance of the Dead, Haeckel's Tale), but they usually managed
to be horror-centric stories. Chocolate doesn't even come close to
horror. The idea of seeing horrible violence through another's point
of view has been done before (For example, The Eye) and done better.
The acting is pretty bad (with the exception of Matt Frewer) and the
story is meandering and pointless. There is nothing scary or even
exciting about Chocolate. It's all just one big waste of time. I
legitimately feel bad for anyone who buys this on a whim. I've seen
Disney movies scarier than this.This was painful to sit through.
Runner-Up: Dance Of The Dead, Haeckel's
Tale
Remake
I usually question the necessity for
remakes, but I can understand the desire to remake the classic 1932
movie “Freaks”. It's old enough where a good chunk of your
audience probably have not seen it. It doesn't help, though, when you
classify your remake as a “modern retelling” and the only changes
you make are nudity and violence. At first, I thought Freakshow was
just ripping off Freaks until I did a little research. The original
was supremely unsettling while the remake is just boring and
uninspired. There's a lot of talk and planning in the movie with very
little action until the rushed ending. I'm not a fan of watching
torture which is a problem considering the last 10 minutes of the
movie are just torture. The scene is painfully slow and unpleasant,
just like the rest of the movie.
Runner-Up: The Hitcher
