Day 135: The Midnight Meat Train

The Midnight Meat Train

All aboard!

Ah, the public library. It's a wonderful, magical place where you can borrow books on any subject you want, read the newspaper, or just enjoy some air conditioning. Oh, and they also have movies to rent. Libraries are an untapped resource that some horror fans may overlook. Why many people use Netflix or Hulu, the local library does actually have movies you may not be able to find via the internet. It also forces you a bit more to commit to watching a movie. I can't tell you how many movies on Netflix instant that I've stopped within 5 minutes because they sucked so badly. At least with having a physical copy, I feel more compelled to watch. Lucky for me, there was no need to force my way through today's entry.

The Midnight Meat Train is a 2008 film based on a 1984 story by novelist/director Clive Barker (Hellraiser, Nightbreed). Directed by Ryuhei Kitamura (Sky High, Godzilla: Final Wars), the movie stars Bradley Cooper (Wedding Crashers, The Hangover) as photographer Leon and Leslie Bibb (Talladega Nights, Iron Man 2) as his fiance Maya. Leon takes photos of the grim and gritty in New York City and photographs a woman being harassed by a group of thugs in the subway. He points out a surveillance camera and they leave, allowing the woman to get on a subway while Leon snaps a few more pictures. On the train, the woman is brutally murdered by a silent killer named Mahogany (Vinnie Jones, Snatch, X-Men: The Last Stand). When news breaks of the girl missing, Leon searches his photos for clues, leading to the mysterious, silent man. Leon begins to track Mahogany, following him to his work as a butcher in a meat packing plant. Leon becomes obsessed with the man. He tails him one night into the subway and witnesses Mahogany butchering passengers and hanging them on meat hooks. Leon passes out and strange creatures paw and scratch at him, leaving strange markings on his chest. Meanwhile, Maya and her friend Jurgis sneak into Mahogany's apartment to find clues as to who he is and why he's killing people. He returns to his apartment and captures Jurgis while Maya escapes. She goes to the police to report Mahogany, but the detective, seemingly involved with the conspiracy, won't listen. She goes down into the subway to find him while Leon does the same, arming himself with various butcher knives and implements. A bloody battle ensues, taking the trio deeper and deeper down into the catacombs underneath New York City, where the creatures from before are waiting for their meat. Will Leon and Maya survive and what did that symbol the creatures carved into Leon's chest mean?

I'll take a pound of pastrami and half a pound of turkey

The Midnight Meat Train is a thrilling, violent, and gruesome horror movie. I guess you can put it in the slasher genre, but crusher seems like a more appropriate title. The story is pretty basic and easy to follow, but the mystery is what keeps things interesting. We desperately want to know who this silent killer is and why he's killing and butchering people. We only get small hints and glimpses of what the creatures are, though I could have used more. I'm also not too big on conspiracies, but I would have liked to see how far it went. The other big interest factor is the bloody, gorey violence. Nothing is implied in this movie because the blood is too busy being splattered in your face. It's a face-smashing, eyeball-dangling orgy of guts and organs, making gore hounds squeal like 13 year old Justin Bieber fans. There are some scenes that are clearly “who check this on in 3D!” but it's not enough to annoy someone watching it on a regular screen.

Vinnie Jones is a big reason why the movie works out so well. For someone that has one line the entire movie, his body language and facials speak volumes. This character has one mission in life and he achieves it with sheer brutality. Bradley Cooper is a bit of an odd choice for the role of Leon, and comes off a bit awkward. He's not terrible, I just didn't really care for him that much. Ryuhei Kitamura does a fantastic job directing, with some really creative shots that still standout in my mind. One particular scene was shot from a victim's point of view. The audience is literally right there along with the victim, watching her bloody hands claw at the floor. We feel the blows of the hammer as the camera snaps back and forth. I also appreciated the parallel between Leon's psychological descent and his descent deeper down the rabbit hole, so to speak.

What a beautiful eye you had

The Midnight Meat Train is a fun horror movie with a simple, yet thrilling story. The movie is polished and visually appearing without ever feeling fake. Vinnie Jones is perfectly cast and the movie is well directed by Ryuhei Kitamura. There are buckets and buckets of blood and gore throughout, so you might need a strong stomach to get through it. While I would have liked to have seen a little more depth in the overall story, Midnight Meat Train is a fun and violent thrill ride to the depths of Hell.

7.5/10

Day 134: Blessed

Blessed

I can think of some curse words to describe this movie

Happy Mother's Day everyone! Be sure to treat your moms to a lovely brunch and give them something nice. They put up with you when you were a teenager, so they deserve it. There's a few Mother's Day and “mom” related horror movies out there. Maybe it was subconscious, but I watched didn't watch Blessed because it was a mother/pregnancy based horror movie. I really watched it because it had Heather Graham. I thought, “Hey, she's a real actress. Maybe this will be good.” Of course, if you've never heard of a movie before, there may be a reason for that.

Blessed is a 2004 horror/thriller starring Heather Graham (Boogie Nights, From Hell) as Samantha Howard and James Purefoy (Ironclad, John Carter) as her husband Craig. They are having trouble trying to conceive, so they briefly move to Lakeview, New York in order to receive treatments at the Spiritus Research Clinic. During the treatments, Samantha witnesses her neighbors being stalked by a hooded figure and they soon disappear. The clinic is involved with some experimental procedures and Samantha is given two eggs injected with a strange red liquid, supposedly to help increase her chance of conceiving. She learns that she is in fact pregnant with twins and they move back to the city to discover their apartment has been vandalized. They decide to move into the now empty house in Lakeview where their neighbors used to live. Craig, who is publishing a book, meets with strange publisher Earl Sidney who gives him $100,000 advance on his work. They adjust to live in Lakeview, but Samantha starts to have strange sensations and feels she is being followed by the same hooded figure from before. She meets an Italian priest, Father Carlo (Andy Serkis, Lord of the Rings, Deathwatch, who tries to warn her of the clinic and their dubious associations with a devil-worshiping cult. Supposedly the liquid injected into her eggs was the DNA of Lucifer. Father Carlo is convinced that she must kill the babies to keep from unleashing unspeakable evil in the world. Is all of this true and what does that mean for Samantha and her babies?

 And what about her giant, dinner plate-sized eyes?

 

This movie is a mess of half ideas and no ideas. It strives so hard to be Rosemary's Baby and it fails in every conceivable way. It is not scary, it is not creative, and it barely qualifies as horror. Throughout the first part of the movie, I thought they were going for the slow build, teasing the action and thrills for the second half. Then the second half occurred and still nothing. It wasn't a slow build, it was a no build. There is no flow to the story and the writing is just horrendous. If you want to see a slightly annoying couple have cutesy conversations, this movie is for you. Of course that's not the case because you want to see a horror movie. The injection of religion and the devil is muted, which is funny, considering this is supposed to be a Satanic baby movie. Why even bother if you're not going to go all out with the religious imagery? You might as well inject her with wolf DNA to make a werewolf baby or something equally stupid.

The acting is passable and is really the only thing that keeps the movie going. Heather Graham does well as the mother in trouble. Andy Serkis comes off as a bit weird in his role as Father Carlo, though I think that's just terrible character development and writing and not his acting ability. The direction is no good and the motivations of the characters are either confused or just non-existent. We see Samantha researching the clinic and finding it's weird connections with cloning. She couldn't have done that before, you know, being injected with devil juice? And why is Father Carlo the only one trying to stop this from happening? Where is the rest of the Church?

Jesus loves ya

Horror fans will be incredibly disappointed with his movie and fans of staying awake will also be disappointed. The story is weak along with the writing and directing. There is very little action and nothing particularly scary. Nothing if interest really happens and the ending is particularly stupid. Do yourself and you mother a favor and skip this movie. Happy Mother's Day.

2/10

Day 133: Slugs

Slugs

Rejected poster for Pink Floyd's The Wall

Happy Creature Feature Saturday everyone! The movie I watched for today's entry is called Slugs. Yes, really. I have been avoiding it for a while because it just sounds so stupid and implausible. I was going to watch an equally stupid movie starring Carmen Electra and Brooke Hogan, but once I saw that The Asylum was involved, I immediately stopped and went back to Slugs. I can deal with stupid, but I can deal with the criminally insulting movies The Asylum puts out. I've I ever need to kill brain cells and forget important information, I'll watch that one. This movie came out in the 80's, at least I'd get to see some old products and advertisements from my youth.

Slugs is a 1987 horror movie based off a novel of the same name. The small rural town of Ashton is being plagued with gruesome and mysterious deaths. Health inspector Mike Brady (Michael Garfield, The Warriors, Law & Order) looks into the deaths and finds strange connections to local black slugs that are appearing all over town. One of the slugs bears fangs and actually bites him. Mike is able to capture a few of the slugs in a jar and brings them to a scientist for examination. The slugs are carnivorous hermaphroditic mutants that can easily spawn thousands of times. Mike tries to get the local sheriff and the mayor to stop the slugs before they take over the entire town, but in true horror movie cliché fashion, they dismiss him as crazy. It's up to Mike to stop the slugs himself. Will he be able to do it or will him just become another meal for the hungry, hungry mutants.

OMNOMNOMNOM

As with most insect-based horror movies, Slugs is pretty damn simple and stupid. I mean, I wasn't expecting much from a movie with killer mollusc. I was willing to suspend my disbelief enough to accept slugs as carnivorous murder machines, but the story itself is just so dumbed-down and cliched. There's horrible, gruesome murders all over town and no one is at least suspicious that something might be up? I can understand not believing it's killer slugs, but shouldn't they be more concerned that there's some organ-eating psychopath running around town? Like zombie movies, the slugs kill by swarming people and eating them. I'm ok way that, but since they're not exactly fast, why can't people, I dunno, walk briskly past them? It also blew my mind that Mike's solution to kill the slugs was to just blow them up. In the process, he actually blows up a few houses and probably caused more deaths than the slugs. Why not just use a flamethrower or some good old-fashioned poison? Or how about a giant salt shaker?

You can start a Home Depot with the amount of wooden acting in the movie. Some actors are bad and some deserve the “Tommy Lee Jones in Batman Forever” award for over-the-top acting. There are a few scenes throughout the movie where inappropriate stock music is played, such as really happy, jaunty music during scenes of a police car going to the scene of a murder. Didn't anyone notice that it didn't fit? The only saving grace for Slugs is the bloody, gorey violence. There's just enough blood and guts to keep the movie from being a complete loss. One scene in which a man explodes with slugs from inside his body is particularly creative and fun to watch.

"Gasp! This is regular Coke, not Diet!"

When you watch a movie called “Slugs” you shouldn't expect to see a classic. The story is pretty silly, but not in the fun B-movie way. Cliches abound and the acting is painful to watch. The violence is fun and bloody, but there should have been a lot more. If you can find some of the kill scenes on youtube, it's worth checking out. Beyond that, Slugs isn't worth your time.

3/10

Day 132: Midnight Movie

Midnight Movie

One-stop chop-shop

Taking bits and pieces from other films rarely makes a for a good watch. How many times do you hear someone say something like “It's like 'Jaws', but with aliens!” or “It's like a mixture of 'A Nightmare on Elm Street' with “'Lord of the Rings'”? Most of the time, writers and producers are saying the same thing in order for their movie to get made. Call it a lack of originality, in search of a quick buck, or just being lazy, but it's how a lot of entertainment is created today. Horror is a genre where mixing different ideas could either lead to a fun watch or something incredibly terrible.

Midnight Movie is a 2008 slasher horror movie starring Rebekah Brandes (Grim Reaper, Slaughter Party) as Bridget and Daniel Bonjour (Dragon Quest, Beast Beneath) as Josh. In the 1970's, a slasher movie named The Dark Beneath was released, directed and starring Ted Radford. The movie drove him mad and sent him to the psych ward. Years later, a doctor thought it would be therapeutic for him to watch the movie again, ignoring the warnings of Dr. Dave Wayne. Rather than soothing Radford, he throws him into a homicidal rage, killing 70 people and disappearing. Five years later, The Dark Beneath is being show at a grindhouse movie theater. Bridget and Josh attend with their friends Mario, Samantha, and Sully. Also in attendance are a biker named Harley, his old lady Babe, Detective Barrons, who worked on the original Radford case and Dr. Wayne. As they watch the movie, it switches from a first person point of view as the skull-masked killer murders his prey. As it turns out, Radford is actually leaving the movie, entering the real world, and killing people, much to the amusement of the audience who thinks it's all an act. When Sully is killed, they finally realize that this is no special effect and are in real danger. It's made even worse when Bridget's little brother, Timmy, sneaks into the theater. Bullets do not hurt Radford and he starts to kill off the audience one by one. He uses his powers to lock them in the theater while simultaneously shielding them from being seen by the outside world. Will Bridget and Timmy be able to escape from this horror movie come to life and will anyone believe their story?

No tongues!

This movie is a weird mixture of The Ring, 70's slashers like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and Friday the 13^th. It's an interesting take on multiple genres, I'll give them that. One good thing about giving your own twist on the supernatural slasher subgenre is that you can create your own rules. We all know that you have to shoot a zombie in the head or drive a stake through a vampire's heart. By going off into your own, relatively original, idea, you have the freedom to say what can or cannot happen. The problem that Midnight Movie runs into is that by making up their own rules, it feels like they just tossed ideas against the wall and hoped some would stick. It's never really explained why Radford could jump in and out of the movie, why he couldn't be hurt, and how he was able to block the police from seeing inside the movie theater.

The idea for Midnight Movie reminded me a little bit of Masters of Horror: Cigarette Burns. The idea of a movie driving someone insane and causing them to kill is somewhat similar, though in Cigarette Burns they tease the movie throughout, making your really want to see it, but also terrified to what you may behold. In Midnight Movie, there's about 10 minutes of mystery, before they show most of The Dark Beneath, and it's a pretty boring movie. Even one of the characters in the audience points out that it's kind of weak. It's not a big deal, but they could have put a little more effort in the movie within a movie.

The kills throughout are pretty good. Lots of blood and gore to keep slasher fans happy with some nice creativity to keep things from going stale. His weapon of choice is a big corkscrew, which is different, though not as imposing as a machete or butcher knife. Radford has a half skull mask and some sort of Do-rag covering the rest. Why not just give him a whole skull? The acting is good enough to keep me from being distracted, so that's a victory. 

Skull masks - half off

Midnight Movie is a mixture of better horror movies that you'd probably rather watch. The plot is kind of weird and at times confusing and nonsensical. Things are never fully explained or even partially explained. The movie-within-a-movie could have been handled better with a little bit more effort put into making The Dark Beneath actually scary and entertaining. The violence is pretty good and I give them credit for trying something different. The movie ends on a pretty big down note, which was unexpected, but appreciated. I like when movies don't take the easy and expected way out. Ultimately, Midnight Movie is able to entertain despite the lack of a coherent story. It was better than expected and you won't feel terrible for watching it.

5.5/10

Day 131: Ghoulies

Ghoulies

If you can even make it to the end

Sometimes you go into a movie expecting to see one movie and get another. It might be for the better or it might be for the worse, but you can't help but feel a little cheated. You wouldn't go into a sports movie and find out it's really a psychological thriller in a race against time to save the world. Most of the time, though, it's just bullshit advertising to suck you in, get your hard-earned money and give you the visual equivalent of a wedgie. This is one of those times.

Ghoulies is a 1985 horror/comedy starring Peter Liapis as Jonathan Graves, Lisa Pelikan (Lionheart, Julia) as Rebecca, and Michael Des Barres (Mulholland Dr., Waxwork II) as Malcolm Graves. Malcolm is a devil-worshipping magician who is about to kill his infant son Jonathan in a Satanic ritual. He is stopped by his wife and one of his followers, Wolfgang, escapes with the boy. Years later, a full grown Jonathan moves in to his father's mansion with his girlfriend Rebecca. They invite a group of friends over to celebrate when Jonathan discovers a ritual in one of his father's books. He conjures a spirit that enters his body, which convinces him to further explore the dark arts. Jonathan calls forth the ghoulies, little mutant creatures, to do his bidding, along with two little people in medieval clothes. Rebecca tries to stop him, but his powers are too strong, and he controls her mind. They once again invite their friends over, but this time, Jonathan uses his powers to raise his father Malcolm from the dead, who in turn kills all of their friends. Rebecca flees and is killed by one of the ghoulies. Will Jonathan snap out of it and stop his powerful father before it's too late?

Is that your hair or Satan's chamber pot on your head?

If you couldn't tell from my brief and painful description, this movie is fucking stupid. The plot is purely 1980's Hollywood's idea of what Satan and devil-worshiping is and how it looks. This was made around the time of mother's everywhere thinking their children were going to be kidnapped and murdered by cults. Beyond that, I really have no idea what's going on in this movie. I legitimately did not know this was supposed to be funny until I read that it was a comedy. I've seen World's Wildest Police Chases that were funnier than this movie. I have so many questions about this movie that it should be an entire category in Jeopardy. Why does Jonathan take so quickly to rituals and spells? Are his powers relegated to having green eyes and yelling a lot? How did he get the house and why were there just tons of black magic books lying around? Most importantly, WHY THE BLOODY HELL ARE THE GHOULIES INVOLVED?! I really see no point in having these demented Muppets in the movie since they really contribute nothing. They look decent, but they never really do much beyond killing a few people, and that doesn't even happen until 57 minutes in. Seriously, I made sure to check because they did nothing of note before that.

The acting in the movie is hilariously terrible, to the point where I thought they left in some bad takes. The special effects are poor as well. This just compounds the fact that this movie has a weak plot. I mean, who is supposed to be the hero of the movie? Jonathan is evil for about 85% of the movie, Rebecca puts up almost no fight and goes under Jonathan's control, and the friends are useless. Who am I supposed to cheer for? It doesn't really matter because I hate all of them, but still, you can't have a movie without a main protagonist. Maybe they were too busy designing the Ghoulies to come up with subtle things like a good story or stuff making sense.

(yawn)

Apparently, Ghoulies made a good amount of money in theaters, which could be attributed to a good advertising campaign. Congratulations, they managed to rip off a lot of people with a boring, nonsensical plot, pointless characters, and horrific special effects. The acting is very bad and the action is minimal. There is nothing cult or classic about this. I was expecting something similar to Gremlins or Demonic Toys, and was left with a ridiculous black magic/devil-worshipping movie filled with bad effects and even worse 80's hair. The worst part of it all is that there are at least three sequels including, and I am not making this up, Ghoulies III: Ghoulies Go To College. Kids, say no to drugs and say no to shitty movies.

1.5/10

Day 130: Snoop Dogg's Hood of Horror

Snoop Dogg's Hood of Horror

Murder was the case that they gave me

Hizzle foshizzle, my bizzle. Yeah, I have no idea what I just said, but Snoop Dogg might. I don't listen to hip hop or rap as I much prefer metal, hardcore, and rock, but Snoop has transcended his genre and become a household name thanks to his “reality” show and his other projects outside of the music world. A fan of comic books and scary movies, he's already stepped into the horror world, starring in the movie Bones. It comes as no surprise that he would star and contribute music to another horror movie in the same vein as Tales From The Crypt and Creepshow.

Hood of Horror is a 2006 trio of horror movies with an urban bent. The movie starts with an animated short that shows Devon (Snoop Dogg) selling his soul to a demon to bring back his dead sister, whom Devon may or may not have killed. In return, Devon becomes a Hound of Hell and narrates our stories. There are animated shorts connecting each story.

Crossed Out

The first story, entitled Crossed Out, stars Daniella Alonso (The Hills Have Eyes 2, Wrong Turn 2) as a graffiti artist named Posie. As a young girl, she saw her father murder her mother, before turning the gun on himself. She is chased by a gang led by Noel Gugliemi (Training Day, The Fast And The Furious). Posie escapes, but is grabbed by the mysterious and deformed Derelict (Danny Trejo, Machete, Con Air). He grants her special powers in order to change the hood for the better, but she uses the powers to cross out the tags of other people, thus killing them in gruesome fashion. Seeing that she is using the power only to kill, Derelict takes the power away and raises her zombified victims to gain their revenge.

The truth about Kool-Aid

The concept for this first story is decent, though for some reason I feel like I've heard it before. Daniella Alonso puts on a good performance and it's fun to see Danny Trejo in just about anything. Even Billy Dee Williams shows up for a brief appearance. The kills are pretty excellent in a horrifyingly funny sort of way. For example, a gang member trips and impales themselves on a 40. Now that's a creative way to kill someone. The makeup and effects used look good and are convincing. The short format did hurt the overall product as we're not really given enough time to connect with the characters and the story is rushed and a bit nonsensical. It's not really clear why Posie is given powers and why she decided to just murder the fuck out of people. It's not great, but it has it's moments.

4.5/10

The Scumlord

The second story is the Scumlord, starring Anson Mount as the racist Tex Woods Jr. and Ernie Hudson (Ghostbusters, The Substitute) as Roscoe. Tex has inherited an apartment from his father, whom he murdered. The apartment is inhabited by Roscoe and 3 black veterans. Tex and his girlfriend Tiffany make the veterans' lives hell. Roscoe and crew take out their revenge on their slumlord with bloody results.

"Okay! George W. Bush ISN'T the greatest president of all time!"

This one probably had the most entertaining story with the most disappointing ending. It's not a horror story and I'm not exactly sure what they were thinking. The acting is good and the story has some funny moments, but it's all lost with such a weak ending. It's even more confusing when Snoop Dogg's character just kind of shows up at the end. It comes out of nowhere and is really unnecessary. It's a shame because the story was good only to be ruined by half-assing it on the horror front.

5/10

Rapsody Askew

The final story Rapsody Askew is about the rise and fall of a rapped named SOD (Pooch Hall, Heist, Stomp The Yard 2). He prays to become a famous rapper and meets Quon (Aries Spears, MAD TV). At an awards show party, SOD is confronted by a woman that shows SOD the horrible person he has become since cutting his deal with God. This includes greed, statutory rape, and having Quon murdered by their bodyguard Jersey (WCW's Diamond Dallas Page) in an effort to become more famous. A zombie Quon appears before SOD, taunting him and driving him insane. Jersey comes into the room, but does not see Quon. What will happen?

You got a little something on your...eh, nevermind

Rapsody Askew is more of a psychological horror movie than anything else. It's cool to see Aries Spears in a semi-serious role, though it is a little weird to hear him rapping and dropping the n-word when you're so used to seeing him on MAD TV. It was also fun to see Diamond Dallas Page in a role other than a wrestler. The makeup used for the reanimated Quon is top-notch. The story itself is standard stuff with nothing particularly scary going on. You pretty much know exactly what will happen from start to finish.

4.5/10

The film ends in another animated short where all the main characters are taken down to Hell. Hood of Horrors does not reach the quality of Tales From The Hood, but it's better than Nite Tales. Each story has it's moments, but they're nothing spectacular. They are helped along by including well-known serious actors and some good makeup and effects. The animation is very good and reminds me of Todd McFarlane's Spawn animated series. Overall, the movie is watchable, but not unmissable.

5/10

Day 129: 5ive Girls

5ive Girls

I'd rather be at Five Guys

Ron Perlman is pretty awesome. He's been an actor on the big and small for many years and has lent his voice to the popular cartoon, Teen Titans. Heck, anyone that can play the weird 80's Beast from Beauty and the Beast show and still have a career should be praised anyway. His run as main character from the Hellboy franchise is probably one of his most popular roles, but he's also starred in a few horror movies as well. He's been in I Sell The Dead, Mutant Chronicles, and Alien Resurrection just to name a few. While the quality of his horror movies range from good to not so good, Ron Perlman has always been a a bright spot. Can the same be said for the movie with a number in it's name instead of a letter? Would Ron Perlman be able to make a possession movie be exciting?

5ive Girls is a 2006 Canadian horror movie starring Ron Perlman (Enemy At The Gates, Hellboy) as Father Drake and Jennifer Miller (Lucky Number Slevin, American Pie: The Naked Mile) as Alex, a young woman with psychic powers. Five years ago, a student at the Catholic school St. Mark's named Elizabeth was attacked by a demonic force. Father Drake rushed to save her, but was powerless to stop the demon, and Elizabeth vanished without a trace. Cut to the present day, St. Mark's has just reopened as a sort of reform school for five troubled girls. Under the strict rule of Headmistress Pearce (Amy LaLonde), Alex and the four other girls are subjected to harsh punishments. Alex begins to have visions of Elizabeth roaming the halls and reveals this to the other girls. It turns out they all have supernatural powers and abilities, Connie is a conduit, Mara can heal, Leah can pass through objects, and Cecilia has ESP. It turns out that Miss Pearce has actually brought the girls together in an effort to conduct a satanic ritual that will bring Elizabeth back. Each girl is possessed and murdered by the demon Legion of New Testament fame, bringing Miss Pearce closer to bringing back Elizabeth, who turns out to be her sister. With Father Drake dead, will Alex and Mara be able to stop Legion and Miss Pearce?

Shalom!

I posted a question earlier asking if Ron Perlman could make a generic movie great. To answer that question in one word, “No.” In two words, “Hell no.” In three, “Hell fucking no!” That's not to say Perlman doesn't put in a good performance, because he does, it's just not enough to pull the movie out of the depths of cliché hell. I do think it's funny though that a nice Jewish boy like Ron has played a priest in more than one movie.  All the usual religious/satanic symbols and symbolism are present; the pentagrams, the “demonic” voice, the blood, the crosses. Even if you haven't watched many of these movies, you'll feel like you've seen it all before and will be endlessly bored. With these movies, there is the possibility where you may actually learn something. As a non-Christian/Catholic, I was not particularly familiar with who or what Legion is. They gave a quick description, certainly not enough to really explain the whole backstory and just why the hell he made Elizabeth disappear and why he's back now.

Beyond the weak story, the problems lie within the acting and the special effects. The acting ranges from passable to cringe-worthy. The direction is off in some places, with angsty rock music being played in scenes that don't really need it. It doesn't help that they are given some truly terrible dialogue that sounds like it came from a bad CW teen soap drama. Some jokes and witty banter are tossed in and it just kills the flow of the movie. The special effects are pretty bad and really hurt the overall horror. There are some action scenes, but the overall feel of Catholic school girls running around comes off more like a soft core adult film.

Those effects are "special" alright

5ive Girls (not to be confused with the instrumental metal band or the boy band 5ive) is a typical religion vs. Satan story that has nothing going for it beyond Ron Perlman. I may not have watched the movie if he wasn't starring in it. He does a fine job, but he gets zero help from his supporting cast. The story is painfully cliched, the acting is poor, and the effects are unfortunate. By the end, I didn't care if the characters lived, died, or mushrooms grew out of their asses. Wait, that last one might have at least been interesting. Overall, 5ive Girls will give you the sense of deja vu from a movie you already hate.

3/10