Day 220: The Return

The Return

Cataracts are no laughing matter

I remember watching the very first episode of the Buffy The Vampire Slayer television series and absolutely loving it. It had the perfect mixture of horror, action, and genuinely funny comedy. What made the show work so well was the strong performance of Sarah Michelle Gellar. She was a believable action star that was capable of being serious and quirky. She made the jump to the big screen with such popular movies as Cruel Intentions and The Grudge. After that, the movie choices became questionable and she decided to focus on home life with her husband Freddie Prinze Jr. Despite her later movies not doing so well, I am at least aware that they exist, such as the Scooby-Doo movies and Southland Tales. It was to my surprise that I came across a horror starring Sarah Michelle Gellar that I never heard of before.

The Return is a 2006 horror thriller starring Sarah Michelle Gellar (The Grudge, Buffy The Vampire Slayer) as Joanna Mills. Joanna is a traveling representative for a trucking company and agrees to take a business trip to her native Texas. She has avoided the state for years after a troubled youth there., brought on by a car accident. There, she reconnects with an old friend and her father, but begins to suffer from bizarre visions. Strange occurrences such as hearing a man's voice, recurring music, and seeing the inside of a bar she's never been to before begin to effect her. Joanna begins to self-mutilate, or cut herself, to deal with the visions, but they only become more specific with a man she does not recognize harassing her. Joanna is able to find that the bar she is seeing is actually in a small town in Texas called La Salle. She goes to the town and meets a man named Terry Stahl (Peter O'Brien, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Casualty) who was suspected of murdering his wife years ago. They have a strong connection, but Joanna's visions become more intense and get in the way of their relationship. Her visions lead her to a mechanic in town and when she questions him, the mechanic becomes hostile and begins to follow her. How are the visions connected to Terry and his wife and what does the mechanic want with Joanna?

Where is Giles, Willow, and Xander when you need them?

There is a good reason why I have never heard of The Return. The movie tries so hard to be creative , and while I commend the creators for at least trying to do things differently, it just doesn't work. It's forced to be creative because the story is convoluted and confused. The story unfolds in such a disjointed way that it almost impossible to follow what is happening. It doesn't help that the pacing of The Return is akin to a death march through the desert. It's hard to keep interested in a movie where very little happens and any action that does occur is either confusing or shot so poorly that you can't focus. A steady camera would have done wonders for my eyes and my brain. A shaky camera was probably necessary to convey a real sense of fear since the story wasn't capable of achieving real emotion. While there are some elements of horror, the movie is closer to a thriller, albeit with very little thrills. It goes for psychological, but is never capable of tapping into the human imagination or psyche.

Sarah Michelle Gellar tries to make the best of a bad story, but comes off as confused as the audience. I suppose that's a good thing since we are supposed to be along the ride with her, but it feels like she's only read 1 page ahead in the script and has no idea what is going to happen. Peter O'Brien is far too broody for my liking. The relationship between Joanna and Terry is far too convenient for the story's purposes and is entirely unbelievable. Director Asif Kapadia (The Warrior, Far North) does not capture the horror necessary to make the movie thrilling. Many scenes look like they were shot in a sepia tone, which I suppose fits in with the Texas landscape, but is not visually pleasing. The movie has a little bit of action, but not enough to keep things interesting.

OK, so the movie does one thing right

The Return tries to be a horror thriller and manages to be neither. The story is too weak and the pacing is so slow I am surprised moss isn't growing on the screen. There is very little action to speak of and the suspense in the movie is countered by the disjointed storytelling and shaky camera work. It doesn't help that the acting isn't very good and the relationship between Joanna and Terry is not believable. Like I said, there is a good reason why most people haven't heard of The Return. Little advertising combined with a bad story has banished this movie to the rental shelves where it should stay forever.

2.5/10

Day 219: Vacancy

Vacancy

Oh God! This window is disgusting!

I've spent some time on the road and the only thing more important than knowing where to find a bathroom in case of an emergency is finding a clean hotel/motel. You would think that going with a national chain would be a guaranteed good night, but you would be horribly mistaken. I am still haunted by the Ramada Inn in Albany, NY. Not only was the television bolted down, but the remote was as well. Cigarette burns, disgusting carpet, and an air conditioner set to a brisk 40 degrees were just some of the “amenities” waiting for me. Throw in a city of questionable safety and you're in for a terrible night. Being around so many strangers in a place you don't know can be pretty unnerving. It could also be deadly.

Vacancy is a 2007 horror thriller starring Luke Wilson (Old School, Legally Blond) as David Fox and Kate Beckinsale (Underworld, Emma) as his wife Amy. Their relationship is on the rocks and headed for a divorce, brought on by the accidental death of their son. They travel together to Amy's parent's party, keeping up the guise that they are happily married. On the way home, David leaves the highway in favor of back roads. They get lost and soon have car trouble. They pull into a gas station where a mechanic (Ethan Embry, National Lampoon's Vegas Vacation, Brotherhood) fixes their car. Despite the help, the car breaks down soon after and David and Amy have to walk to a nearby run-down motel. There they meet the strange motel manager, Mason (Frank Whaley, Broken Arrow, World Trade Center) who was watching some sort of horror movie in a back room. Mason gives them the “honeymoon suite” which is really a disgusting room with 1970's furniture. In the room, David watches unlabeled video cassettes found in the room that show people being brutally murdered. He discovers that every scene in the videos takes place in the very room they are staying in, with cameras hidden in many places. They are soon attacked by two men in masks and try to fend them off. David runs to a pay phone outside, but when he calls 911, Mason is on the other line. He escapes the booth just in time before a car driven by one of the men crashes into it. David returns to the room with Amy and they try to get the attention of a truck driver that pulls in to the motel. The truck driver is actually working with Mason and the two other men, coming to pick up snuff videos. David studies the video tapes, looking for any mistakes that the victims made. He discovers one of the killers arriving via the bathroom and discovers a secret tunnel. Amy and David take the tunnel, which leads to Mason's office. Amy uses his phone to contact the police, but the officer is killed soon after arriving. How will David and Amy survive?

Now all those cell phone commercials make sense

While being a simple movie at it's heart, Vacancy manages to weave a tight, thrilling story that is both scary and entertaining. Sometimes, when writers know they have a basic story, they try to spice things up with complicated storytelling or plot twists. Vacancy doesn't bother with any of that and just focuses on telling they story it wants to tell. The movie is fast-paced without ever feeling rushed. Having everything take place in less than 24 hours certainly helps. There is plenty of action with good violence and some blood. For a movie that showcases snuff films, there was surprisingly very little in the way of torture. I'm grateful for this because a lesser movie would have included scenes of torture as an excuse for having gruesome injuries. Instead of closeups of bloody stumps and broken bones, we get suspense and apprehension, which are far more thrilling since the leaving things open to the imagination is far more terrifying.

I like when horror movies have well-known actors working out of their comfort zone. Luke Wilson has done serious turns, but he is better known for his good-guy comedy roles. I think this helps make Wilson a believable character as he is not the type of person that you would expect to get out of this situation. He plays the role well and I would like to see him in more action/horror roles. Kate Beckinsale is no stranger to horror or action and fits the role perfectly. Sarah Jessica Parker was rumored to have been in line for the role of Amy and I am really thankful that Kate Beckinsale took the part. It's entirely possible Sarah Jessica Parker could have pulled it off, but she would not have been as convincing. Frank Whaley is good as well, both as the quirky weirdo in the beginning of the movie and the violent killer towards the end. Director Antal Nimrod (Armored, Predators) does a solid job of conveying fear while keeping the action going. There are some creative shots throughout the movie, but nothing is overdone, making each creative shot special.

Say what?

Vacancy doesn't break any new ground with it's story, but that doesn't stop it from being entertaining. The movie has a fast pace, but nothing is ever forced are crammed in for time. The movie has plenty of action and some blood, but not as much as you might expect. If you're looking for lots of gore and torture, this movie isn't for you. The movie's horror comes more from apprehension and expectation than in-your-face violence and I'm fine with that. The acting is very good, complimented with solid directing. Vacancy is simple, but still very entertaining.

8/10

Day 218: The Deaths Of Ian Stone

The Deaths Of Ian Stone

Get this guy some moisturizer

We live in a world of regret. Each one of us has a moment in their life they'd like to do over. Maybe say something different or act a different way in the hopes that the outcome would be different. These range from life decisions such as going to a different college or taking a different job. There is always the “what if” in life that invades our minds in those brief moments before falling asleep. These fantasies we have are created from our own minds and turn out the way we want. But what happens when these different lives are not your decision and there is nothing you can do to stop them from happening?

The Deaths of Ian Stone is a 2007 horror movie starring starring Mike Vogel (Cloverfield, The Help) as Ian Stone. Ian is an American living in England. He plays hockey and is very much in love with his British girlfriend, Jenny (Christina Cole, Casino Royale, Hex). One night after losing a hockey game, Ian comes across a man lying in the road. He gets out to check on him, but is attacked by the “corpse.” He is pushed onto nearby train tracks and is hit by an oncoming train. At the point of impact, Ian wakes up at his desk in an office. He is confused and remembers nothing, but tries to go about his day. Outside his office, he sees a man having a heart attack. One of the people attending to the man holds his hand and appears to be pulling the life force out of him. Ian is no longer dating Jenny, but lives with a mysterious woman named Medea (Jaime Murray, Devil's Playground, Botched). The next day, Ian meets an old man who frantically warms Ian that he is in danger and that “they” are coming. The old man is grabbed by something and pulled away. Eventually, Ian is killed by Medea, who is one of these monsters, and instantly starts a new life. The cycle continues with Ian waking up in a new life, but the one constant is that Jenny is in each of these lives. He begins to remember pieces of his previous lives when he runs into the old man from before. He learns that these monsters are called Harvesters who feed on fear and pain. Ian also discovers that he is one of them and rebelled against the colony when he fell in love with Jenny. Will Ian be able to remember his true past and free Jenny and himself from this endless cycle?

Hugs!

The concept of repeating lives in horror and science fiction is nothing new. The Deaths of Ian Stone instantly brings to mind The Time Machine and The Butterfly Effect. It's always fun to see where these movies go when they explore different lives of the main character. This movie does give us a few different lives, such as Ian being a heroin addict, but I feel like they should have really switched things up. Most of the time, he and Jenny were just working a different profession. The story itself is pretty mediocre, giving off the sense that I've already seen this movie before. Where this movie differs is the inclusion of the Harvester monsters who look like a cross between the smoke monster from Lost and Blackheart from the Marvel Super Heroes arcade game. The special effects used to create the monsters are decent and I never felt like the movie was overdoing it. The movie avoids most of the science fiction in favor of monsters and action. There is some blood and gore, but for a horror movie, this wasn't particularly scary or thrilling. The action is pretty much paint-by-numbers, with the last 20 or so minutes focusing solely on Ian fighting the Harvesters. The try to make the movie a love story, but it isn't able to really pull it off.

The character of Ian Stone is supposed to be your typical All-American boy, but Mike Vogel looks so much like Michael DeLuise who played the bully Matt Wilson from Encino Man that I couldn't take him seriously. I also find it strange that they decided to set the movie in the UK and have every other character in the movie be British. Is this supposed to be some fish-out-of-water experience? It just seems random and unnecessary to make the main character American. I also find it weird that they have him play hockey. I love hockey and I'm always happy to see it in movies, it's just not the biggest sport in either the United States or England. The acting and direction in the movie is fine, but nothing spectacular. That pretty much sums up the entire movie. Nothing is offensive or bad. Everything is just “OK”.

Aw, snap

The Deaths of Ian Stone tries to add a horror twist to the life-altering science-fiction genre. The inclusion of the Harvesters makes for an interesting idea and lets the movie have more action and violence. The monsters look good and the special effects are not overdone. I'm glad the movie explained who they are and what they're doing. Plenty of movies get lazy and only give a half-assed explanation. The action is decent with some good blood and violence. As a whole, the movie is pretty mediocre. No new ground is broken which is a shame because they could have made the cycle of lives far more interesting than what they came up with. The Deaths of Ian Stone is a watchable movie and even has a few good moments, but it isn't particularly special.

5.5/10

217: The Woman

The Woman

W is for Woman, that's good enough for me

Today's review is a special one. I received a lovely comment a few days ago about the blog which came with a special request to review today's movie. I love getting feedback (well, positive feedback anyway) and am always glad to hear that people are enjoying my reviews. After watching over 200 horror movies, it's nice to know I am helping people avoid or discover horror movies and hopefully entertain them as well. The request was for the movie The Woman. A friend of mine has previously watched the movie and was pretty down on it. Horror can be very divisive and one persons hate-a-thon can be another person's lovefest. All reviews should be taken with a grain of salt. I am still angry over listening to a review praising A History Of Violence. That movie was painfully bad and I will never understand how someone can give it 4 stars. The only way to find out if you'll like a movie or not is to see it with your own eyes. So Laura, this review is for you. If anyone else is interested in requesting a movie for me to review, please leave me a comment or send me a message on Twitter @365daysofhorror.

The Woman is a 2011 horror movies directed by Lucky McKee (Masters of Horror: Sick Girl, The Woods) and starring Pollyanna McIntosh (Bats, Land of the Lost) as the Woman. Woman is a feral cannibal living in the woods all her life. While out hunting, Chris Cleek (Sean Bridgers, Deadwood, Nell) discovers the woman and kidnaps her. He brings her back to his home and chains her up in a cellar in hopes of civilizing her. He forces his wife Belle (Angela Bettis, Masters of Horror: Sick Girl, Toolbox Murders), his daughter Peggy (Lauren Ashley Carter, Rising Stars, Law & Order SVU), and son Brian to assist him in civilizing the woman. Peggy has become distant in recent months, sitting out of gym class, wearing baggy clothes, and crying. Brian has become sadistic, enjoying seeing people in pain and torturing classmates. Chris's methods of “civilization” are cruel and violent such as washing the woman in boiling water and then with a high-powered hose. That night when the rest of the house is supposedly asleep, Chris goes into the cellar and rapes the woman. Unbeknownst to Chris, Brian sneaks out of his room and spies on him raping the woman. Belle is also aware of what is happening, but through intimidation and violence from Chris, says nothing. Peggy's teacher, Ms. Raton, notices the change in Peggy and surmises that Peggy is pregnant, perhaps carrying her father's baby. The next day, Peggy is sick and stays home from school. Brian is unaware that she is home and sneaks down into the cellar with the woman, pulling off her clothes and torturing her with pliers. Peggy catches her brother and tells her mother who in turn tells Chris when he gets home. When Chris shows no concern, Belle says she is leaving him and taking Peggy and their other daughter, Darlin. Chris responds by knocking her out. Just then, Ms. Raton arrives and tells Chris that she believes Peggy is pregnant. Believing that Ms. Raton is implying that it is his child, Chris attacks her and, along with Brian, drags her out to where they keep their dogs. She is placed in the dog pen and is attacked by another feral girl that Chris had been keeping. Peggy runs to the cellar and free the Woman. What will happen?

Things get intense at Burning Man

The Woman is an ugly mess of a movie. Apparently it is a sequel to Lucky McKee's previous movie, The Offspring, but you'd never know that unless you looked it up. A flashback or 1 minute of dialogue would have made the connection clear and given some helpful background to who the Woman is. Clocking in at about 100 minutes, The Woman is a glacially-paced movie that forgoes entertainment in favor of ham-fisted social commentary that does little to enlighten. The movie tries to go for a feminist bent, but it never fully comes together. The musical choice in the movie is highly questionable with a mixture of rock music I like to call “Jerk Rock”. It's the type of music you hear in shows on The CW, completely inoffensive, but lacking any heart. Why this music is in the movie is beyond me, especially because there are one or two scenes with creepy horror-style synth music. It's not like they didn't know good horror music, they just chose to ignore it.

There are multiple scenes of unintentional comedy that made me legitimately question if the movie was a dark comedy or not. There is barely any horror to speak of and a majority of the movie could be confused for an after-school special. No real action begins until about 15 minutes left in the movie. These last few minutes try to make up for the slow, often times painful, story with an avalanche of violence and gore, but it's just not enough. The inclusion of another feral girl was so random that I could barely process what was happening. The ending was satisfying, if not a little strange and hardly believable. The movie lacks subtlety and plays out pretty much how you would expect, down to Brian turning out like his father (with a Justin Bieber haircut, no less) and Belle finally sticking up for herself. The only exception was the inclusion of the other feral girl, but, again, that came out of left field. 

(Sigh) I miss Al Swearengen

The heavy focus of male treatment towards women appears in many horror movies, but does not evoke the same emotion from the audience as other movies. In a movie such as this, the father needs to be far more violent and domineering, two things that are sparsely shown. Similar movies also go for a religious bent to the domineering patriarch character, but The Woman surprisingly avoided that. Perhaps it is unnecessary to the story itself, but it would have made Chris's actions more believable. It doesn't help that Sean Bridgers looks like Will Ferrell and does not come off as a scary individual. It's not a question of his acting ability, because he is able to pull the character off and was great as Johnny in the television series Deadwood. He's just not the right fit as the part is better suited for a hulking, scary man. Someone who looks like Stone Cold Steve Austin would have been far more believable. Angela Bettis is very good as the mousey wife Belle. In my previous review of Sick Girl, I mentioned her voice being incredibly annoying. Thankfully, her voice was normal in this movie, but that makes me question why in the world she spoke with a strange voice in Sick Girl. Lucky McKee has uses a lot of different shots throughout the movie, some good, some bad.

The Woman is a very divisive movie. Some will think that the social commentary is great and that sitting through the majority of a movie with nothing happening is great buildup. Unfortunately, I am not one of those people. The social commentary, while important, is not presented in such a way that it would be competent or entertaining. It's important to have social commentary in horror, but it needs to be placed into a movie with a delicate hand and not smashed all over the film like a watermelon in front of Gallagher. The story is incredibly slow with the only action coming at the very end. The acting is good, though Sean Bridgers's frame did not fit the profile necessary to be a scary figure. The Woman was not entertaining and I would not recommend it. Special thanks to Laura for requesting it and I hope it answered any questions you may have had.

2.5/10

Day 216: The Others

The Others

What, the lamp doesn't get top billing?

Can a movie still be entertaining when you know the surprise ending? People are connected now more than ever thanks to smartphones, lightning-fast internet, and social media. Nowadays, it's almost impossible not to have at least parts of movies spoiled for you by a status warning free of spoiler alerts or references in other media. I love going to the theater to watch a movie, but I hate going to the theater because of the people. For whatever reason, there are tons of people who think they're at home because they don't shut up. I have specific examples, like when I saw Gran Torino in the theater and the old bat behind me felt the need to croak “Larry had diarrhea last night!” right before the lights went down. When I saw the Star Trek remake, the woman in front of me kept laughing at inappropriate moments. Because going to theaters is so painful, I wait a few weeks to catch a movie, hoping the crowds have thinned. This wait is dangerous because a movie can be spoiled in that time. If a movie is good enough, does it matter if you know the ending?

The Others is 2001 horror movie starring Nicole Kidman (Far And Away, Cold Mountain) as Grace Stewart. Grace lives with her two small children, Anne and Nicholas, in a large, but remote country house island of Jersey in the 1940's. Three servants arrive at the house, Mrs. Bertha Mills (Fionnula Flanagan, Brotherhood, Lost), Mr. Tuttle (Edmund Sykes, Theatre of Blood, The Big Freeze), and a young mute girl named Lydia (Elaine Cassidy). Mrs. Mills is tasked with taking care of the children who suffer from photosensitivity and must remain in darkness at all times. Grace instructs Mrs. Mills and Lydia to close and lock all doors when leaving a room. After their arrival, strange events occur in the house such as bizarre noises and locked doors opening. Anne says it is the ghost of a boy named Victor and after scaring Nicholas, Grace forces Anne to read the Bible for three days. Anne draws a picture of a man, woman, Victor and an old woman, all of whom she claims to have seen in the house. Grace tries to hunt down the intruders, but finds no one. Convinced that something unholy is in the house, Grace asks Mr. Tuttle to search for a cemetery that may be on the grounds. When she leaves, Mr. Tuttle covers up a headstone with leaves. Grace goes to get the priest but on her way, she discovers her husband Charles (Christopher Eccleston, Gone in 60 Seconds, 28 Days Later) has returned from the war. He is distant and in shock from the war. The next day when Grace is preparing Anne's communion dress, she finds her daughter has been replaced by an old woman. She violently shakes and hits the old woman, only to discover that she has been hitting her daughter. Charles leaves soon after, apparently unable to acclimate to the life he once lived. Mrs. Mills, Mr. Tuttle, and Lydia have cryptic conversations about Grace, making ominous comments about the living and the dead. Who are the intruders and what do the servants want from Grace and her children?

Haunt this!

I'm not sure exactly when or where I heard about the surprise ending, but it has been years and I decided to watch the movie anyway. It's no longer a surprise thanks to countless parodies. Even the DVD box touts the surprise ending. Despite knowing how things were going to turn out, the movie is still very enjoyable. Writer/director Alejandro Amenabar crafts an atmosphere throughout the movie that is both scary and sad. There are some jolts and general scares, but the fear in the movie comes from the anticipation of the unknown. We know something is going to happen, it is just a matter of where, when, and how. The sets look great along with the style of clothing for the time period. The story itself is good with proper pacing. There are hints of foreshadow, but not as much as you'd expect for a movie with a big surprise ending. I give credit to Amenabar for being able to hold off on giving too many hints. Of course, that does put in to question his storytelling ability. Occasionally, the movie does put more emphasis on style than substance, wandering away from the meat of the story.

What makes the movie work is the performances of the actors. Nicole Kidman is great as Grace with her ability to be both strong and fragile. We believe that she is a normal mother trying to keep her family together and her faith intact. Fionnula Flanagan is very good as well. She is motherly and calm with the children, but in other scenes she portrays herself as having a hidden agenda. A certain look from her or the tone of her voice works wonders for setting the mood of the entire movie. The children are thankfully not unbearably annoying. Horror movies love to make kids either incredibly annoying or incredibly stupid. The Others managed to avoid this trap and just make the children “normal”. The movie is a bit slow in parts, taking it's time getting to the point. There are a few scenes of excitement, but to call them “action” wouldn't be correct. There is not blood or real violence to speak of as this movie is geared towards a much wider audience than what the hardcore horror fan is used to seeing.

This is her happy face. Or sad face. It's hard to tell.

Despite knowing the end of the movie, I still enjoyed The Others. The Others is a creative psychological horror movie with good direction and great acting. Nicole Kidman and Fionnula Flanagan make the movie work and Alejandro Amenabar creates a dark atmosphere. The story is good, but sometimes goes off course to favor film making over storytelling. There are a few creepy scenes, but there isn't much action to speak of. It is clever and creative with a good twist that is not ruined by earlier events in the movie. If you like psychological horror, you'll enjoy The Others.

7.5/10

Day 215: Thinner

Thinner

See, kids? This is what happens when you don't brush.

We all want to change something about ourselves. Some of us want to be taller, or have more hair, or better eyesight. The biggest change people want to make, especially in regards to Americans, is losing weight. Whether it's genetic, or a glandular problem, or a love of deep-fried anything, obesity is a big problem in the United States. There is an entire industry dedicated to weight loss. We have gyms, exercise videos, at-home workout machines, fancy diets, and even pills all claiming to help people lose weight. But what if you start to lose weight through no effort and can't stop? The supposed blessing can become a curse. A gypsy curse, to be specific.

Thinner is a 1996 horror movie based off the novel of the same name by Stephen King (Misery, Children Of The Corn). The film stars Robert John Burke (Rescue Me, Dust Devil) as Billy Halleck, a wealthy, morbidly obese lawyer who lives in a nice house in Maine with his wife and daughter. Billy has just won a case defending a criminal boss named Richie “The Hammer” Ginell (Joe Mantegna, The Simpsons, Three Amigos) and goes out to celebrate with his wife Heidi (Lucinda Jenney, GI Jane, S.W.A.T.). A group have gypsies have come into town, much to the disgust of Billy's friend, Judge Cary Rossington (John Horton, Donnie Brasco, The Shawshank Redemption) On the way home from dinner, Heidi performs oral sex on Billy while he is driving. The distraction causes Billy to not see an old Gypsy woman crossing the road, hitting and killing her. Through his connections with Judge Rossington and police Chief Duncan Hopley (Daniel von Bargen, Seinfeld, Lord of Illusions), Billy is not charged with any crime. Outraged at the injustice, Tadzu Lempke, the father of the dead woman, touches Billy's face and says “Thinner.” Soon, Billy starts to lose weight, despite continuously eating whatever he wants. The weight loss continues at an alarming rate forcing Billy to go see Dr. Mike Houston (Sam Freed). Dr. Mikey, as Billy refers to him, cannot find anything wrong and sends him to a special clinic. They also cannot find out what is wrong as Billy gets thinner and thinner. He also suspects that Heidi and Dr. Mikey are having an affair. Billy discovers that Judge Rossington and Chief Hopley have also been cursed by the gypsy with Rossington turning into some sort of lizard creature and Hopley becoming covered in leprosy-like sores. Billy's weight drops dangerously low as he goes in search of the gypsies. When he finds them, he asks Tadzu to take off the curse. When he refuses and is hurt by one of the gypsies, Billy puts his own curse, the Curse of the White Man From town, on the gypsies. He reaches out to Richie to help him get the curse taken off. What will Richie do and will Billy survive?

1, 2, 3, 4: I declare a thumb war.

On paper, I can see how Thinner would be an interesting and exciting read. There are many different elements in the story that work well in the written word. The movie has some good social commentary, such as body image, racism, and obsession. Sadly, these topics are lightly touched-upon instead of at the forefront of the movie. The problem with Thinner is that since Stephen King tends to get very wordy with long novels, certain plot points need to be skipped over for a feature-length movie. For whatever reason, Thinner doesn't do that and tries to cram in as many things as possible. With a run time of 92 minutes, the movie feels incredibly long just because so much is happening at such a fast pace. I was actually surprised to see the length of the movie as it felt like a marathon to get through. Sometimes horror movies feel long because they are too slow. Thinner feels long because there is so much happening that you can't concentrate on one scene for too long or you'll miss something. Plenty of little things could have been cut out or at least replaced with longer scenes or better horror. The movie is not scary with only a psychological creepiness to focus on.

Robert John Burke plays Billy very well, going from jolly fat man to a withered skeleton trying to survive. Joe Mantegna is wildly over-the-top, but in a good way. He is essentially Fat Tony from The Simpsons with an extra dash of crazy. I couldn't help but wonder why, if Richie is a big underworld boss, he would get directly involved fighting the gypsies. You would think he'd have some goons do his dirty work for him. That question is half-heartedly answered, but it wasn't a good enough answer for me. Lucinda Jenney comes off as a bit too forced for my liking. I suppose we're not supposed to like her, but I was more annoyed at her than anything else. The makeup used on Burke is excellent, ranging from a believable fat suit to a pale, walking cadaver. You really believe that he is going to die by the end. Speaking of the end, it reminded me too much of a Goosebumps-style ending and was pretty cheesy for a Stephen King movie. Again, words on a paper were probably more effective than on the screen.

So sleepy!

Thinner is an example of how a good story doesn't always translate into a good movie. The story is simple, but enjoyable with a fair amount of intrigue and excitement. It is a race against the clock with a supernatural bent. There is not much horror to speak of, which was a disappointment. The movie tries to cram in way too much and feels far longer than an hour and a half. Robert John Burke and Joe Mantegna are very entertaining and help keep the moving rolling. There is even a funny cameo appearance in the movie by King himself. While not horrifically bad, Thinner is not Stephen King's best movie. It does have entertaining qualities, but just doesn't have that special King horror quality that so many of his other movies possess.

5.5/10

Day 214: Masters Of Horror: The Black Cat

Masters Of Horror: The Black Cat

Eye see you

Horror fans almost unanimously love two horror writers: H.P. Lovecraft, who is my personal favorite, and Edgar Allan Poe. Poe is one of the most celebrated authors, not just in horror and the macabre, but in general. His works have been made into countless movies, television parodies, memorabilia, and even video games. There is just something special about his stories, whether it is The Raven, The Fall Of The House Of Usher, or The Tell-Tale Heart. His work is so important that it is even taught in public schools. Up on the big screen, though, his work can be hit or miss. It's not the stories, it's the interpretation, especially when the movie includes Poe himself. John Cusack recently played Poe in “The Raven,” which told the story of a killer using Poe's stories to commit murder. It was an interesting spin and Cusack acted well. Would this Masters of Horror episode be as enjoyable?

Masters Of Horror: The Black Cat is a 2007 episode starring Jeffrey Combs (Re-Animator, FeardotCom) as Edgar Allan Poe. Poe is suffering from writer's block and running low on money. The funds he does receive in advance for his next tale go straight to alcohol. His wife Virginia (Elyse Levesque, SGU Stargate Universe, Smallville) is sick with consumption and begins coughing up blood. Poe is frantic to come up with a new story, but cannot overcome his writer's block. He becomes frustrated with the intrusion of Virginia's black cat, Bluto, who constantly meows and hisses at him. As Virginia's condition worsens, Poe takes his frustration out on Bluto, who has killed their fish and Poe's pet bird. He grabs the cat and cuts out it's eye with the pocket knife. Virginia succumbs to her sickness and passes away. In utter despair, Poe hangs Bluto and sets fire to his house so he can die with Virginia's body. She miraculously awakens and they escape the fire, moving to a small apartment. Their woes continue, compounded by the apparent reappearance of Bluto who died in the fire. Poe's sanity starts to slip due to his writer's block and the return of the cursed cat. What will happen to Poe and Virginia?

Cat's all, folks

This edition of Masters Of Horror puts an interesting twist on the classic Poe story, including the author himself in it. The problem with having a historical figure in movies is that you know how things are going to end. Much like in Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, you know what is going to happen with the main character. The only movie to pull the old switcheroo with an historical figure was Inglorious Basterds, which was a surprise, but didn't make the movie any better. The movie follows Poe's story fairly well, getting in all the important parts. There is a decent amount of action and the fear throughout the movie focuses more on tradition horror than lots of blood or violence. I didn't like the violence towards animals, though. It's hard to watch Poe hurt the cat, even if it is just movie magic.

The performances in the episode really make the story work. Jeffrey Combs is great as Edgar Allan Poe, even trying for a slightly Southern accent. He captures Poe's drunken descent and frantic style very well. Elyse Levesque is quite beautiful and plays Virginia very well. She is a believable sympathetic character and is a good juxtaposition to Combs' manic ways. Director Stuart Gordon (Masters of Horror: Dreams In The Witch-House, Dagon) has a good eye and really brings Poe's world to life. There are some creative shots that add a bizarre feel to Poe's fracturing mind which creates an overall picture of horror. The sets look very good as well as the clothes. For a television show, this episode has a big screen feel.

"This never would have happened with a dog!"

The Black Cat is enjoyable for Poe fans and non-fans alike. Historically, you have a pretty good idea of what is or is not going to happen and that may take away some of the enjoyment. That's the risk you run when having a piece of fiction involving real people. The acting is very good and compliments the story well. There isn't a lot of action, but what we do see is entertaining. The horror has a classic feel to it, which is important considering this is a story from the 1800s. The Black Cat is one of the better Masters of Horror, thanks in part to Poe's storytelling and the solid acting.

7.5/10